Well, this week was supposed to be a dedication to Taurus. I’m going to ask for all of their impatient forgiveness, as I started the Master Cleanse fast yesterday, and am still adjusting to a diet solely of lemon, maple syrup and wishful thinking. There is no caffeine in my system. It’s with great luck that I’m even up and typing. However, there is too little brain power to write a justified description of our loyal and stubborn friend: Taurus the Bull. ‘Till next week, my darlings!!!
Even more ludicrous answers to your chronic soul searching: for the week of April 23-29!
Aries (Mar. 21-April 19)
Your parties are over, you’ve blown out all the candles, you’ve honed new “birthday resolutions” which you’ll diligently work upon for at least a month or so before you forget. This shows quite a bit more dedication than most of the zodiac. Let’s take a look at your coming week, shall we? You’ve taken on too many jobs again, friend. And as per usual, they involve cleaning up the messes your crazy friends, most likely Water Sign friends, have gotten you into. You know you want to say it. These people are incompetent, lazy and enjoy painful, repetitive behavior and this just pisses the hell out of you. But you’re not saying anything because you know they’re just going to ignore you. Again. Watch that. Stay out of it. Standing there and watching morons around you screw up will only cause nasty burns to your inner ears from the steam. Then, these people will come around all happy and playful again, wanting to have a good time and will be completely taken off guard when you throw your beer in their face. This may be a time to face the morons you love so and say, “You must face this on your own.” And walk away before you erupt.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Well, you’ve made your peace with the bad nasty whoever bothering you so. That’s good! Now, you’re wondering what in the world to do with all this excess furor and rage, coursing through your veins like confused electricity. Wow. That was an understatement. Really, though. Again, Taurus feels as though something more could have been said that wasn’t. Sorry to tell you this, but you did miss your chance. Bringing it up now is only going to cause more confusion. My advice, and I’ll never give this particular piece of advice again, is for you to get involved in someone else’s problems. You will have a friend—or several—this week, sinking into their self-created quicksand, and will need you to help. Call Aries. They’ll know who it is. While you need to be careful not to get sucked in yourself, this will be a fantastic way for you to divert some rage and gain some satisfaction by helping a friend. If this drama involves work, DEFINITELY throw yourself into the battle. You’ll end up with money. And then you can go buy something swank to wear and flaunt in front of the person who made you so angry but didn’t let you finish telling them so.
Gemini(May 21-June 20)
Good God. Quick public service announcement to the rest of the Zodiac: none of us will receive anything productive from Gemini this week. That’s right. They will not be creating, working or cleaning. They’re obsessed with getting laid and we won’t see them again until this latest fling blows over. Wow! The twins are getting some badly needed action! Really, none of us will be seeing much of Gemini for the next seven days. Their hard-earned cash will get sucked up by ordering pizza and Chinese delivery—they have NO desire to leave their bed….I guess this Gemini reading is going to be on the short side. They’re not even getting up to read it. They’ll come check next week when this current situation has provided its fill (and fill and fill). Actually, I’m selling our twins a little short this week. More than just sex, Gemini is reflecting on the nature of love, relationships, injustice, global warming—the whole bit. And maybe sex too. Frankly, I hope they all get both.
Cancer (June 21-July 22 )
Was it just me, or was this week a little more than a moody Cancer is wont to handle? I hid in my shell for a whole glorious weekend just to process all the shit that went down!!! The early part of the week will provide more much needed brooding time, with a swift kick to the creative/sexual ass come mid-week! Whew. I’m already tired of moping. We Cancers do enjoy making a dynamic return to the scene! Strong cautionary warning to all Crabs: don’t rehash. If you absolutely feel the need to rehash, write poetry or something and go to an open mic where everyone is too drunk to even notice. (Don’t get offended if no one pays attention.) Everyone else has moved on from the issue, there will be no good served if we suddenly decide to have a fabulous, public melt-down on the subject. People will think we’re nuts and won’t invite us over for fondue anymore. God. Fondue. And eight days left on this goddamn fast.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Damn, girl! You’re looking awesome this week! Yes, I’m splitting the genders on this reading. The Leo women of the world are going to be riding Cloud Fucking Nine. No, not for anything in particular. The Leonine Ladies are simply going to feel good and wanting to show off. Lucky for us, we’ll get to see it! Now, the Leo men are taking a back seat—prowling in the back row, if you will. Not sure why, except the natural Leo paranoia may be affecting this a little more than usual. That’s not such a bad thing. While they’re lurking at the corner of the bar, or smoking their cigarettes in the alleys, or sitting in a strange car across the street from their spurning lover’s apartment (I highly encourage you not to do the latter. It’s creepy), they’re also formulating plans for world-domination. Triumphant, proud and sexy—yeah. A Leo would make a great world leader. I think the Leos are all in this together. The lady Leos distracting us with over-zealous sex appeal, while the males stalk the demise of the current world order. No, not so bad. Employers of Leos: expect them to take a few sick days this week. They’re lying, but let them have them.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgos are hard at work this week while the rest of us are having nervous breakdowns and plotting the overthrow of the government. Thank god. Someone has to keep the lights on. Many a luscious adventure has tried to squeeze its seductive way into your realm, but you’re shutting it out to focus on your drafting board. Not a bad idea, I must say. However, I must also say that this cocoon you’ve created is short lived. Panic and confusion will inevitably break through your studio wall. Cover your work with a splash guard now. Watch your anger, particularly where you direct it. You can’t do much to plan for the upcoming events, except plan to listen. You are going to end up in strange situations, odd conversations with highly unusual individuals to whom you might not have given subway directions in the past--might just be the bearers of unconventional wisdom. This is the start of big changes, friend. Don’t fight them. None of them are going to kill you, and so I say enjoy the ride and analyze later!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Yeah. More than a Murphy’s Law, it’s the law of the Friggin’ Universe! Once you’ve got things going well in one direction, you’re going to get a fender bender from the other. Usually the rear. Knowing Libra, you’re going to stand around shrieking: BUT I HAD EVERYTHING RIGHT WHERE I WANTED IT!!! Sweetheart, nothing lasts. The good news is that even the bad times are temporary. I’m seeing here that Libra is going to find comfort in reaching out to brothers, fathers, male friends, male lovers. Yes! You, Libra, who is constantly in want of increased sensitivity will find it this week in men men men!!! Try to find the comfort in even a swift pat on the back. Love and comfort comes in many forms, so try to break out of the champagne and roses deal. Try a shot of Jameson. It’s quite therapeutic. Also, don’t take this short streak of bad luck as evidence that you’re doomed for all time. I mean, you could be doomed for all time—who knows? But the nasty events of this week don’t secure that, and frankly, I don’t think things are as bad as you think they are. So lighten up!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
It is my pleasure to report that this coming week will mark the beginning of the end of the financial troubles which have plagued our scorpion friends so these past few weeks! They’ve been waiting tables and gloomily looking toward a bleak future of doing just that, when quite by magic—their crumpled screenplay falls out of their apron and into the lap of a famous director who just happened to be passing through town and stopping in for a cup of diner coffee. No, the work wasn’t that good—but it got the director’s attention, and being the sexy beasts they are, now have a director-sugar daddy/mama out of the deal and now are flying to Tahiti on a private plane which is why they haven’t returned my phone calls. That’s okay. I’m not upset. Scorpio, don’t just savor this break in the mundane, use it to kick some ass in the future. This is the start of new connections and journeys. It in itself won’t give you all the power and prestige you crave, but it’s certainly the beginning of something more. Share.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Don’t give up, don’t hide. Sag, as fiery as you are, you do occasionally become overwhelmed by mean people and let them overwhelm you. You’re hot and fabulous and your grab-life-by-the-ass mentality is nerve-wrecking to those locked up signs of the Zodiac. Be sensitive to them, they don’t know what losers they really are, but don’t give up your free-wheeling ways. Tell someone to go suck it, when that’s really what they ought to be doing. They’ll grumble a little more, but they probably like being told what to do more than you realize. And, hard to believe, it will make you even MORE sexy and desirable to others! And that makes your loyal Cancer proud. This next week has unlimited possibilities for fun, fame and fortune. Don’t let little trolls drag you down under the bridge. Unless that’s something you’re into, of course. ;)
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Now, most of the Universe is aware that Capricorn had a very trying week. That’s because Capricorn doesn’t let anyone forget that they’re in a trying time. Two important things to remember: this is not the week to settle a score, nor is it a week to forgive an old grudge. Wait. Two more things: you’re still going to be required to hold together everyone else. Yep. We’re still choking on our own fears and mistakes, so you’ve got to be at our bedsides with Tylenol PM, tissues and soothing, sweet nothings. In the midst of all of this hoopla, you’re going to be crossing your fingers and praying to whatever god you even half-believe in for Prince/cess Charming to finally show up this week. Christ. Taking him or her long enough, isn’t it? Gotta keep waiting. Even if the most amazing person walked in to sweep you away on a ivory-bridled donkey, you wouldn’t notice because you’re too busy saving the tiny worlds of those around you. Don’t worry. These things come full circle.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Why is everyone being so hard on Aquarius this week? Come on, you guys. Leave them alone. Sometimes the world gets hard on Water-Bearer because, like Sag, you kids are so naturally happy, it makes us all want you to die. That doesn’t mean we actually want you to die, but the Zodiac this week is not only going to acid-rain on your parade, we’re going to hail, snow, sleet, thunder-bolt and acid rain on every parade you throw this week. Don’t lend anyone money, you’re not going to see it again. Don’t listen to critique on your water-colors this week, all suggestions will be poisoned by jealousy and angst. Keep smiling, even when everyone at your dinner party is bitching in the corners. It’s going to be a time where you feel that no one understands a word you are saying. No, we do understand, but we’re too busy wallowing in our own Universal disorder to pretend to relate. Just keep smiling and dancing, baby. That’s all I’ve got to say to you now.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
You were wise to keep your head down and pretend everyone was invisible this week. Too many problems that didn’t involve you. Good god. Is this the way of the Universe this week, or are my Monkeys watching too many soaps again? Geez. Anyway, you’re going to find yourself continuing to slip through the waves of yuck unharmed, with a peaceful smile on your face. You may find that you’re privy to secrets which have nothing to do with you—ignore those too. It would be a good time to cultivate new friends and new groups. You can rejoin the ruckus once they’ve all settled down a bit. In the meantime, keep working on your own screenplay. Scorpio got lucky. You might have to work more, but the rewards could be greater in the long run.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Sunday, April 15, 2007
For a limited time only....New Moon in Taurus!!!
Two weeks ago, I wrote about a big fat full moon in Virgo. It has come to my attention that the full moon was actually in Libra. (Hence, the amateur astrologer component…) My most sincere apologies to anyone whose lives were obscenely screwed by my misinformation, and my sincere thanks to the Baron for the correction. I will never be wrong again.
Now that I’ve completely slaughtered your faith in my astrologer abilities…
We’ve got a new moon in Taurus this week! That’s right, and we’re still under the hooves of the Aries sun. Before you start to ignore this, keep in mind that the new moon is an excellent time for getting rid of the nasty old and embracing new stuff. If you work it just right, you can plant the proverbial seeds of things to come over the next two weeks! Since you’ll be feeling the ambition and determination of the Aries, think about using it to your Taurus advantage. Taurus moons are good times to get your house in order. If you’re really nice, and the weather’s not too bad, you might be able to convince your ridiculously cute neighbor to help you dump your twice-used stationary bike at the Goodwill. Because they’ll be feeling the ambitious Aries sun and home-protective Taurus moon, they’ll be more than happy to help. Then, you should order dinner in to thank him or her for their good deeds, and then do the nasty and blog it so we can all get the details. See, kids! It’s going to be a great week.
Practical answers to your deepest spiritual and philosophical questions: for the week of April 15-21!!!
Aries (Mar. 21-April 19)
Well, Ram friends, I’ve got to say that this month provided a hell of a lotta fabulous birthday parties—so thank you all for being born. My monkeys are sorry to report that it’s not going to be a fun week. Stop! Don’t scream at me, yet. It’s not going to be a bad week. You just won’t have as much Playstation time as you’d like because you’re going to have to put that pain in the ass you know as bf/gf/husband/wife/dungeon mistress/slave boy person in line. No partner? I’m sure you have friends crawling up your spine. It’s time for fresh, open communication and this needs not to involve shouting, okay? Every time you have to deal with something annoying, you spend half of your energy wondering why. Stop wondering. The only certainties in life are death, taxes and your loved ones’ irritating habits. Fortunately, the last one can be addressed.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Hm…illness at the hands of a lover is the reading for this week. Taurus is quite unhappy. Their own new moon will find them curled up in the fetal position on couches across the universe: stricken with Love Flu. Don’t worry, baby. It happens and it passes. I’m hoping your partner gave you too much alcohol on a raucous romp on the town last night, and not a meanie heart-bruising. In either case, drink plenty of cozy, soothing teas and keep a bucket nearby—for the vomit as well as the tears. Both are important. It’s going to be all sun-shiny again in no time. I mean, your girlfriend didn’t dump you solely because you made out with her brother last night…I’m sure she has commitment issues as well (?). Forgiving yourself for brash or drunken actions is the first step to renewal. Eventually, the lover will forgive too. If not complete reunion, there’s friendship potential. If not friendship, this person will eventually need to borrow money. See? It all works out lovely in the end.
Gemini(May 21-June 20)
My sister priestess is in town this week, everyone! Triple-Gemini Earth-Loving mama who wears goat cloves on anklets: one all in black, one all in white to celebrate her duality. She was on her way to Ireland and stopped in New York for a night to see me, when she came down with a nasty ear infection. Her trip was delayed by a week as a result. At first, she was quite upset for having to cut into her vacation, but she soon realized that an unexpected week in New York City could provide a whole different kind of adventure! Which, it did. Oh, yes. We’ve had an adventure. Geminis across the cosmos, take advice from your Queen Gemini Leader: Follow the “Weeee!!” plan. When your initial escapade falls through, don’t throw a tantrum. Shake your cloven anklets and embrace the alternative adventure hurdling your way. You won’t be able to avoid it, so you might as well enjoy the ride!
Cancer (June 21-July 22 )
While we’ve received this warning several times before….guess what? The monkeys want us to have it again. When we ignore our initial instincts, we could end up as someone’s basement experiment. That’s a worst case scenario. What’s more likely to happen is that we don’t speak up about what’s grating on us for reasons of being nice, only to let it fester, and then we turn into nasty, crabby bitches and that truly isn’t pleasant. Let’s all try really hard this week to speak from our warm, overly-sensitive hearts; particularly when it comes to our hearts’ keyholders. Also, don’t get too pissy about past yuckies. Yes. The past includes yesterday as well as this morning. The Universe will provide swift retribution to those who are mean. If we’re lucky, we get to watch!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Lust and conquest, lust and conquest. Always gotta be this way with you, doesn’t it? Whether it’s a lover, cash prize or your kid’s campfire candy sales, you’re not going to win this one, so chill your hot pants down. Feel free to mope, just don’t expect heaps of sympathy. Everyone else is going to be quite busy this week. The good news about a momentary set back is that a bruised ego grows back stronger. Embrace your inadequacies and make love to your failures. Might as well, you know? You’re going to get another opportunity to score with that hottie. Of course, by then you’ll probably have moved on to another lust and conquest, but if you decide to move on this opportunity when it rears its sheepish head again, be sure to take it slowly next time around. Patience is not only a virtue, it’s a necessary component to making things work smoothly. When the hell did I become a zen-wannabe? Someone wake me out of this, please!!!!!!!! Shit.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
On request of several unhappy Virgos, I’ve hereby spanked several flying monkeys until they came up with a better reading. It worked, sort of. Creative blocks. Financial deadweight. Unreturned phone calls. Pickup lines deflating before even leaving the mouth. It’s not all bad, baby. Go back to your favorite drawing board and over-think a new plan. This time, I highly encourage you to do just that. This stagnant period is only temporary. By Thursday, you’re going to be pulled in roughly 300 different directions by those crazy peeps you call friends. And while the master plans you’ve been developing were meant for something else, they’re actually going to come in handy in whatever zany adventure your people draw you into. While you’re in this drab period, remember that only when the power goes out do we remember how to use the fuse box. Ability to use the fuse box is a strength. Obliterating the darkness=strength! That’s good news! Now, leave me alone.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Your fortune has changed! There’s money involved….one Libra I know just got a major promotion!!! (Congrats, Tippy-head!!!) This is good news—obviously. Less obvious is that you’re still not in the power seat of world domination. Now, we all know that Libras don’t necessarily need power, they just want everyone to do exactly what they think is right. Not everyone is going to listen to your perfect, profound advice. Nor should they. Only from our fuck-ups do ever learn anything. How about, instead of meddling with everyone else, focus on cultivating these new found resources? Invest in au p-and-coming websites. One that is certain to be a major draw is www.astrologyexplained.blogspot.com. What? It’s a suggestion. Anyway, there is still something in your life that needs closure. Instead of doing the Libra thing and obsessing about the non-closure, without actually going and doing it yourself—um….just go get the closure done, okay? Lots of cool stuff is coming your way, so don’t miss any of it by getting locked up in your pretty head.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
I say with all sincerity the I’m happy that Scorpios of the Cosmos survived last week. Still haven’t seen much of you guys recently, so I hope nothing too terrible has happened. Hmm…things still not working the way you want them to. The proverbial “ah-HA!” still hasn’t happened. I mean, you can always ask your friend to hold a lightbulb over your head, to encourage it to happen. I don’t know if it will help, but it will amuse the rest of us. Roadblocks happen, dude. It’s just the way of things. I think you’re making the wise decision to wait it out in your Fortress of Solitude. Not that we don’t all miss you terribly, but you were kind of making us nervous for awhile. Go with your instincts. Trust them, since you obviously feel you can trust anyone else right now. That might stimulate some real, “ah-HA’s!” which will be followed by hearty “Bwah-ha-ha’s…..”
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sag is living is up this week! There has just been too much cool shit going on for them to sit at home and focus on mundane things like, reality. We don’t blame you. There was an awful lot of drama going on there for awhile. Just keep in mind your past mistakes. Following a bottle of red with a bottle of Jack will cause severe physical discomfort—if not a trip to the ER. You’re growing and maturing, as much as you loath to admit it. Don’t blot out all the yuck. It’s necessary in order to appreciate the delightful. Sometimes, the earth shakes. That’s normal. It’s called Teutonic plate movements. Now, while the rest of the Zodiac may be clutching their possessions and hiding under doorways, Sagittarius is shouting, “Woo-Hoo! I’m feeling the earth move!!!” Wouldn’t it be lovely if we all could adopt that carefree spirit? Except, Sag…earthquakes are fun, but not if you’re standing where your roof could fall on your head. Move to a safe place before surfing the earth’s waves. Then, you can dance all night.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
My lovely little goat-friends…you are going to be required this week to be the voice of wisdom for the whole world. We’re all falling the fuck apart and desperately need you to put us back together. You—being Capricorn—will of course want to bring all of your passion and emotion into whatever situation is presented to you, whether it’s prudent or necessary for you to do so. You waste energy when you do that, friend. Not only that, you scare the hell out of the person who came to you for help. Capricorns have a bad habit of dispersing their energies and ending up with the flu—which is what happens when you waste energy. It’s bad for the body and soul. So, don’t do that. It won’t be helpful to anyone. Don’t let this new-found position go to your head, and don’t create enemies for other people. Take that earthy passion you so have in abundance and build an orphanage or something. Be calm and steady when others approach you for help. We need you balanced. We’ll balance you on the next go-round.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
I really hope I didn’t lose any Aquarius subscribers as a result of last week’s reading. It looks as though this week will be far less bumpy. Awfully nice of the Universe to give you a break! The beginnings of a new relationship are at hand, or a new turning point in a current around the corner. Careful with the shiny objects—don’t get too distracted. Careful with the entertainment—don’t get sucked back into someone else’s drama. Often when we come out of a dark time, we’re just like those who come out of a long illness. We’re happy to feel so much better, but we still kind of feel like shit. Be careful with yourself. Might be a good idea to exchange a night at the club for a night at home with the fingerpaints. Just as expressive, a lot cheaper, and you stand a far slimmer chance of getting slipped a roofie again. Plus, might provide some extra cuddle time with this special someone….
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Oh, dear. Pisces has slipped from reality again. Quick! Someone normal do acid and go find them on the astral plane. We need them back—stat. Really, friend. Instead of completing that which needed completion so desperately, you hid in your bad habits. It gets toughest just before the very end. Drawing back at this point will only make completion harder when you try again—and increase your bar tab to the point of credit card cancellation. It’s not as treacherous as you think. There will be far more goblins in your acid trip than in the simple conversation you need to have. Now, if you’re smoking pot instead of cleaning out your closet…well, you might be safer with that. Water-sign hoarding (shudder…shudder…shudder….) Be careful with the judgments you bring to your situations. Remember that parable: “When you assume, you make an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’?” Fuck that, I think it sucks, too. But watch your judgments.
Now that I’ve completely slaughtered your faith in my astrologer abilities…
We’ve got a new moon in Taurus this week! That’s right, and we’re still under the hooves of the Aries sun. Before you start to ignore this, keep in mind that the new moon is an excellent time for getting rid of the nasty old and embracing new stuff. If you work it just right, you can plant the proverbial seeds of things to come over the next two weeks! Since you’ll be feeling the ambition and determination of the Aries, think about using it to your Taurus advantage. Taurus moons are good times to get your house in order. If you’re really nice, and the weather’s not too bad, you might be able to convince your ridiculously cute neighbor to help you dump your twice-used stationary bike at the Goodwill. Because they’ll be feeling the ambitious Aries sun and home-protective Taurus moon, they’ll be more than happy to help. Then, you should order dinner in to thank him or her for their good deeds, and then do the nasty and blog it so we can all get the details. See, kids! It’s going to be a great week.
Practical answers to your deepest spiritual and philosophical questions: for the week of April 15-21!!!
Aries (Mar. 21-April 19)
Well, Ram friends, I’ve got to say that this month provided a hell of a lotta fabulous birthday parties—so thank you all for being born. My monkeys are sorry to report that it’s not going to be a fun week. Stop! Don’t scream at me, yet. It’s not going to be a bad week. You just won’t have as much Playstation time as you’d like because you’re going to have to put that pain in the ass you know as bf/gf/husband/wife/dungeon mistress/slave boy person in line. No partner? I’m sure you have friends crawling up your spine. It’s time for fresh, open communication and this needs not to involve shouting, okay? Every time you have to deal with something annoying, you spend half of your energy wondering why. Stop wondering. The only certainties in life are death, taxes and your loved ones’ irritating habits. Fortunately, the last one can be addressed.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Hm…illness at the hands of a lover is the reading for this week. Taurus is quite unhappy. Their own new moon will find them curled up in the fetal position on couches across the universe: stricken with Love Flu. Don’t worry, baby. It happens and it passes. I’m hoping your partner gave you too much alcohol on a raucous romp on the town last night, and not a meanie heart-bruising. In either case, drink plenty of cozy, soothing teas and keep a bucket nearby—for the vomit as well as the tears. Both are important. It’s going to be all sun-shiny again in no time. I mean, your girlfriend didn’t dump you solely because you made out with her brother last night…I’m sure she has commitment issues as well (?). Forgiving yourself for brash or drunken actions is the first step to renewal. Eventually, the lover will forgive too. If not complete reunion, there’s friendship potential. If not friendship, this person will eventually need to borrow money. See? It all works out lovely in the end.
Gemini(May 21-June 20)
My sister priestess is in town this week, everyone! Triple-Gemini Earth-Loving mama who wears goat cloves on anklets: one all in black, one all in white to celebrate her duality. She was on her way to Ireland and stopped in New York for a night to see me, when she came down with a nasty ear infection. Her trip was delayed by a week as a result. At first, she was quite upset for having to cut into her vacation, but she soon realized that an unexpected week in New York City could provide a whole different kind of adventure! Which, it did. Oh, yes. We’ve had an adventure. Geminis across the cosmos, take advice from your Queen Gemini Leader: Follow the “Weeee!!” plan. When your initial escapade falls through, don’t throw a tantrum. Shake your cloven anklets and embrace the alternative adventure hurdling your way. You won’t be able to avoid it, so you might as well enjoy the ride!
Cancer (June 21-July 22 )
While we’ve received this warning several times before….guess what? The monkeys want us to have it again. When we ignore our initial instincts, we could end up as someone’s basement experiment. That’s a worst case scenario. What’s more likely to happen is that we don’t speak up about what’s grating on us for reasons of being nice, only to let it fester, and then we turn into nasty, crabby bitches and that truly isn’t pleasant. Let’s all try really hard this week to speak from our warm, overly-sensitive hearts; particularly when it comes to our hearts’ keyholders. Also, don’t get too pissy about past yuckies. Yes. The past includes yesterday as well as this morning. The Universe will provide swift retribution to those who are mean. If we’re lucky, we get to watch!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Lust and conquest, lust and conquest. Always gotta be this way with you, doesn’t it? Whether it’s a lover, cash prize or your kid’s campfire candy sales, you’re not going to win this one, so chill your hot pants down. Feel free to mope, just don’t expect heaps of sympathy. Everyone else is going to be quite busy this week. The good news about a momentary set back is that a bruised ego grows back stronger. Embrace your inadequacies and make love to your failures. Might as well, you know? You’re going to get another opportunity to score with that hottie. Of course, by then you’ll probably have moved on to another lust and conquest, but if you decide to move on this opportunity when it rears its sheepish head again, be sure to take it slowly next time around. Patience is not only a virtue, it’s a necessary component to making things work smoothly. When the hell did I become a zen-wannabe? Someone wake me out of this, please!!!!!!!! Shit.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
On request of several unhappy Virgos, I’ve hereby spanked several flying monkeys until they came up with a better reading. It worked, sort of. Creative blocks. Financial deadweight. Unreturned phone calls. Pickup lines deflating before even leaving the mouth. It’s not all bad, baby. Go back to your favorite drawing board and over-think a new plan. This time, I highly encourage you to do just that. This stagnant period is only temporary. By Thursday, you’re going to be pulled in roughly 300 different directions by those crazy peeps you call friends. And while the master plans you’ve been developing were meant for something else, they’re actually going to come in handy in whatever zany adventure your people draw you into. While you’re in this drab period, remember that only when the power goes out do we remember how to use the fuse box. Ability to use the fuse box is a strength. Obliterating the darkness=strength! That’s good news! Now, leave me alone.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Your fortune has changed! There’s money involved….one Libra I know just got a major promotion!!! (Congrats, Tippy-head!!!) This is good news—obviously. Less obvious is that you’re still not in the power seat of world domination. Now, we all know that Libras don’t necessarily need power, they just want everyone to do exactly what they think is right. Not everyone is going to listen to your perfect, profound advice. Nor should they. Only from our fuck-ups do ever learn anything. How about, instead of meddling with everyone else, focus on cultivating these new found resources? Invest in au p-and-coming websites. One that is certain to be a major draw is www.astrologyexplained.blogspot.com. What? It’s a suggestion. Anyway, there is still something in your life that needs closure. Instead of doing the Libra thing and obsessing about the non-closure, without actually going and doing it yourself—um….just go get the closure done, okay? Lots of cool stuff is coming your way, so don’t miss any of it by getting locked up in your pretty head.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
I say with all sincerity the I’m happy that Scorpios of the Cosmos survived last week. Still haven’t seen much of you guys recently, so I hope nothing too terrible has happened. Hmm…things still not working the way you want them to. The proverbial “ah-HA!” still hasn’t happened. I mean, you can always ask your friend to hold a lightbulb over your head, to encourage it to happen. I don’t know if it will help, but it will amuse the rest of us. Roadblocks happen, dude. It’s just the way of things. I think you’re making the wise decision to wait it out in your Fortress of Solitude. Not that we don’t all miss you terribly, but you were kind of making us nervous for awhile. Go with your instincts. Trust them, since you obviously feel you can trust anyone else right now. That might stimulate some real, “ah-HA’s!” which will be followed by hearty “Bwah-ha-ha’s…..”
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sag is living is up this week! There has just been too much cool shit going on for them to sit at home and focus on mundane things like, reality. We don’t blame you. There was an awful lot of drama going on there for awhile. Just keep in mind your past mistakes. Following a bottle of red with a bottle of Jack will cause severe physical discomfort—if not a trip to the ER. You’re growing and maturing, as much as you loath to admit it. Don’t blot out all the yuck. It’s necessary in order to appreciate the delightful. Sometimes, the earth shakes. That’s normal. It’s called Teutonic plate movements. Now, while the rest of the Zodiac may be clutching their possessions and hiding under doorways, Sagittarius is shouting, “Woo-Hoo! I’m feeling the earth move!!!” Wouldn’t it be lovely if we all could adopt that carefree spirit? Except, Sag…earthquakes are fun, but not if you’re standing where your roof could fall on your head. Move to a safe place before surfing the earth’s waves. Then, you can dance all night.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
My lovely little goat-friends…you are going to be required this week to be the voice of wisdom for the whole world. We’re all falling the fuck apart and desperately need you to put us back together. You—being Capricorn—will of course want to bring all of your passion and emotion into whatever situation is presented to you, whether it’s prudent or necessary for you to do so. You waste energy when you do that, friend. Not only that, you scare the hell out of the person who came to you for help. Capricorns have a bad habit of dispersing their energies and ending up with the flu—which is what happens when you waste energy. It’s bad for the body and soul. So, don’t do that. It won’t be helpful to anyone. Don’t let this new-found position go to your head, and don’t create enemies for other people. Take that earthy passion you so have in abundance and build an orphanage or something. Be calm and steady when others approach you for help. We need you balanced. We’ll balance you on the next go-round.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
I really hope I didn’t lose any Aquarius subscribers as a result of last week’s reading. It looks as though this week will be far less bumpy. Awfully nice of the Universe to give you a break! The beginnings of a new relationship are at hand, or a new turning point in a current around the corner. Careful with the shiny objects—don’t get too distracted. Careful with the entertainment—don’t get sucked back into someone else’s drama. Often when we come out of a dark time, we’re just like those who come out of a long illness. We’re happy to feel so much better, but we still kind of feel like shit. Be careful with yourself. Might be a good idea to exchange a night at the club for a night at home with the fingerpaints. Just as expressive, a lot cheaper, and you stand a far slimmer chance of getting slipped a roofie again. Plus, might provide some extra cuddle time with this special someone….
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Oh, dear. Pisces has slipped from reality again. Quick! Someone normal do acid and go find them on the astral plane. We need them back—stat. Really, friend. Instead of completing that which needed completion so desperately, you hid in your bad habits. It gets toughest just before the very end. Drawing back at this point will only make completion harder when you try again—and increase your bar tab to the point of credit card cancellation. It’s not as treacherous as you think. There will be far more goblins in your acid trip than in the simple conversation you need to have. Now, if you’re smoking pot instead of cleaning out your closet…well, you might be safer with that. Water-sign hoarding (shudder…shudder…shudder….) Be careful with the judgments you bring to your situations. Remember that parable: “When you assume, you make an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’?” Fuck that, I think it sucks, too. But watch your judgments.
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Catchy title required for most Astrological Sense.
Hi everyone! I am amazingly NOT hungover after clicking my glittering high heels and severely grooving to the New York Howl at one fabulous Arian birthday party last night. Got to see those delicious boys THREE TIMES this weekend! Hangover may hit later. This weekend, I've broken one purse (which was a real shame), sprained one finger (which I still don't remember doing), spent nearly $100 on cabs (ouch) and consumed roughly 36 cans of PBR and Budweiser (yummy). Okay, the latter two are mild exaggerations, but I assure you that I did break my purse and sprain my finger--although I don't remember it happening. Yet, I'm still here to give you all the answers to the mysteries of the Universe!
Thank you all for reading this site so diligently!!! As much as I growl, it's kind of flattering to have panicked MySpace messages, emails and Gmail IMs saying WHERE ARE THE HORRORSCOPES????? first thing Monday morning. As soon as I'm famous, I'm buying all of you lunch.
Welcome to the week of April 9th-15th!!!
Aries (Mar. 21-April 19)
Stupid blogger. I wrote a great reading for you, and it ate it!!! I’m going to try to reconstruct what I wrote. The shit thoroughly hit the fan for Aries last week, but no matter how bad the ride got, they didn’t get off and they didn’t kill anyone. It’s an inspiration to the rest of the zodiac, all of whom let their houses burn down with them still in them. However, Aries has started doing their “bottle the friggin’ emotions” until they’re all rusty on the inside thing. Or until they “go punch a hole” in the wall thing. Look, Aries. Shit Happening is a part of life. You can’t get mad at life for it. Life can’t help that. The good news is that the coming week will provide some safe, pleasant padded room time for the nervous breakdown you’ve been wanting to have. (Funny Aries trivia of the week: Ask an Aries if they’re a typical Aries. Bet you five dollars the Aries will say no.)
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus loves to do stuff. Taurus is talented at lots of things and fun to bring to lots of things. Taurus doesn’t like to sit home while everyone else is having a good time—unless they’re doing too much. Taurus, you know you freak out when you’ve got too much going on. You’re not disappointing anyone by staying home a night this week or saying no to another project that doesn’t pay. You need to take it easy this week because you’ve got a major shift coming. I mean major shift—as in, partner gets laid off, partner gets knocked up, best friend divorces and moves into your living room. Yeah. You’re going to feel like no one understands you and that no one knows what you’re going through. It’s not that we don’t understand or listening to you—most of us have had best friends set up their lives in our living rooms—it’s that we’re all going to be extra busy this week. Don’t get mad at us. We are listening.
Gemini(May 21-June 20)
What the hell happened? Why are you freaking out? You finally got some cash, even if it’s not all that you wanted. We all want you to calm down because you’re driving us all crazy. No one is out to get you. Not even Scorpio. If you refuse to calm down, I suggest getting out to a club before the weekend and dance some of that shit out. You’re not trapped in a basement, cage or dungeon. If you’re into that stuff, you LIKE cages and dungeons and are not being held against your will. Unless you like being held against your will. Which in that case, you’re still not really trapped. Shit. I’m getting confused. Damn you and your double lives. Ah, well. I’m not too worried. You’re going to flip a switch around Wednesday, lunchtime, I think. And you’ll be all happy-skippy-jumpy and annoying the hell out of your co-workers. It’s okay. We like you better that way.
Cancer (June 21-July 22 )
Wee!!! Happy happy Cancers are we! I don’t know about the rest of the Moon Children, but I couldn’t stop laughing this week! It’s a good week to start scoping out new ways to make some cash. Hey! We could do the Capricorn thing and selling our dirty underwear on the internet! It could be lucrative. CancerPanties.com. Um…that doesn’t have a good ring to it. It’s also a good week to talk to God. Or Goddess. Or Higher Self. Time to take stock of the spiritual life as well as the monetary. We know it’s an ongoing Cancerian battle to get a grip on the emotional yo-yo. When we start to feel wonky and wobbly this week, we’ve got to keep it in and work through it ourselves. We run a high risk of annoying the crap out of everyone around us. Monday, we’re happy. Tuesday, we suck. Wednesday, our lives are futile attempts at nothingness. STOP!!! Listen to that sweet little voice within. I’m trying really hard, except my inner voice whines a lot.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Ah! Someone has embarked on a healthy new endeavor! We like it when Leos are hard at work. They’re happy little critters when they’re up to their elbows in a project they love. Knowing Leo, it probably has to do with performance, paint or Play-Doe. Or taking over a small nation. They like doing that, too. Leo, I’m happy to report that the path this week is free of pirates and other scallywags. I know there was a panic button pushed last week, but that wasn’t my fault. Or yours, either. Blame the fucking stars, man. Anyway, the downside is that if you’re looking for love, it’s not going to happen this week. Don’t take that to mean you’re going to be unhappily single for all time. Just this week. What they hell? Why are you unhappily single? Go stay out at a party until 5 a.m. and be glad you don’t have to check in with anyone. Or call me! I’ll go dancing with you. If you’re in a relationship, don’t let your deep-rooted insecurities choke you if your partner seems distant. Talk to them. If they’re not in the mood to talk, give them space. No imminent breakups on the horizon. You can always call me! I’ll go dancing with you. And I promise not to hit on you. Too much.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
It hurts me to see you this way, my Virgin Child. In a lot of ways, you’re on top of the world. Some sort of financial success occurred—pseudo or otherwise. You’re feeling remotely optimistic about the future. However, you didn’t learn from a past mistake. Perhaps you didn’t even realize you were making it, but you need to wake up. If this regards a relationship, demand changes or get the fuck out. I’ve got some wizdumb to impart. No one ever picks the one who waits for them. I repeat. NO ONE. EV-ER. PICKS THE ONE WHO WAITS FOR THEM. You may be the coolest, hippest dude or chick who ever lived, but if you’re hung up on someone and waiting for them to come around—they won’t. People just don’t do that. In the rare exceptions to this clause, the person will feel as though they settled, and you’re too good for that. Have some goddamn respect for yourself. Pack it up and move on to the next one. Trust me, baby. I’ve been there. ;)
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Can I just take a moment and say how much I love the way Libra lets shit go so quickly? Even when they’re completely freaked out, as soon as the problem is solved, they forget it ever happened. As Queen of Not Letting Shit Go Ever, I respect and admire Libras all over. Wow. Libras are titty-deep in emotions this week in regards to, of course, relationships. Looks as though for most of them, these are good emotions. For some, it may be pressing repeat on Arcade Fire’s Crown of Love. (Eek.) No matter which side of the love scale you’re on, don’t drown in your emotions this week. This time, the drama wagon is coming your way! We’re trying to give Sagittarius a break. It’s going to make for a lot of super-annoying interruptions in things you’d rather be doing. When you’re having to deal with evil Step-Parent making your Blood Parent unhappy, help as you can, but know you probably won’t win the battle. It’s not your shit to fix, first of all. Second, people don’t always fix their own shit in the way you think they should. Nothing you can do about that!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Where are you guys? I haven’t seen or heard from my Scorpios in awhile. They’re either lurking in their towers, plotting my death again, or lurking in a smoky bar drowning their sorrows—and plotting my death. Again. Ah! The monkeys have explained it. Scorpio is hiding out because they’re all broke. Ooh. Well, we’ve all been there, doll-face! They’re also none too happy because they’re not getting the power and recognition they deserve. You all probably don’t deserve it, but the majority of Scorpios questing for prestige this week have global concerns as well as personal. You probably do have a better economic plan for the small nation your army is taking over, than the moron currently in charge. However, your need to search and destroy this one particular person is inhibiting your creative self. Enable that ironic smile of yours. This person or situation is going to self destruct, you won’t even have to lift a finger. God, I hope it’s not me. When the dust settles, you’ll be able to move in and set up the utopia colony for which you’ve researched and studied and planned. And we’ll all live happily ever after. The end.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
I wish everyone could have heard the conversation my two Sagittarians co-workers had this week! They both said, pretty much at the same time, “Astrology can be applied to anything, don’t you think? Don’t you think the descriptions of the signs can be tailored to anyone? But, yeah. Personal drama sucks.” Then, they looked at each other and laughed. Sag, if you’re trying to get knocked up (WHAT??????), it’s not going to happen this week. For those of you determined to stay barren for the time being, the super-cool change or thing you’ve been waiting to have happen, isn’t going to happen this week. Sorry. Wait! This reading isn’t going to completely suck. While you may feel kind of stuck-in-a-rut for the time being, you’re going to be surrounded by lots and lots of sweet, sweet LOVE!!!! Suck it in and enjoy it for the rest of us! The Universe is trying to teach the Archers patience this week—and that in itself shall be your reward. Not as cool as a pony, I know, but I don’t control your destiny. Drink in the love and ignore the fact that you don’t have all the things you want. That’s not a bad reading, right? It’s better than last week, isn’t it? Damn Cancerian insecurities….
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Look, babe. We know you’re upset. You have every reason to be pissed all to hell. I’d be pissed too if that shit happened to me! Now, don’t get angry because the rest of the world isn’t angry. We can feel for you without actually having to join you in your fury. Now, the best way for you to deal with the frustrating thing is to focus on something else. Work, creative endeavors, household repairs. I know some Capricorns last week are angry because of one of those items. At least you have two other options. It’s actually going to be a break-through week for Capricorn—business and/or creatively speaking. They’re going to end this week looking back on mentioned drama with an ironic smile. They didn’t let it destroy them. You guys are so much more sturdy than you give yourselves credit for. You’re going to be given a blank canvas to do all kinds of cool stuff. Do it and invite us all over to look at it.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Uh oh. Aquarius, I regret to inform you that this week is going to suck in a monstrous form. All signs of the Zodiac have personal demons and ickies, and occasionally we’re face to face with them. This week, baby, it’s you. Don’t disappear into you. We all care about you and want to help. Facing your nasties does not spell D-E-S-T-R-U-C-T-I-O-N. Maybe I shouldn’t have typed that, I’m afraid you’re only focusing on the word in caps and not reading the rest of this. Disruption takes many forms, but it’s all timely. You need to face that which you’ve been hiding from. Keep talking, keep open. When the dust settles, you’ll find that you’re a stronger, fully person—with several loving hands to hold! Okay. I want to stop sounding like a New Age barker. In other good news, you’re going to find a couple of healthy distractions that will start you on some new projects that are going to be lots of fun and full of bunnies and sunshine. I just typed sunSHITE by accident. That’s pretty funny. See the humor in a fuck-up? There’s hope for you, yet.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Ooh. Another ew-ey reading. Well, fish-friend, the good news is that the bad news is all in your head. No one is bent on your demise this week. You do have some mental garbage to take out and probably a lot of tears to cry, but other than that, you’re doing pretty okay. I don’t see any serious financial hardships or nasty drama wagons. I’m stirring the cauldron and looking for some good news…friendship! While you may not have a gob of people making stupid faces at you to cheer you up, you do have a couple of close friends nearby who love you very much and are there to help. I always want to help my Pisces friends. However, most of this you’re going to have to work through alone—as is your way, anyway. Discarding old habits, eliminating dead relationships, severing gangrene limbs, it’s all timely! (Timely. The only way to make a bad horrorscope better.) Remember that people are there for you when you’re ready to take their help. Xoxoxo
Happy Easter! Do you know what this means? Only three weeks to Beltaine!!! :D!!!
Thank you all for reading this site so diligently!!! As much as I growl, it's kind of flattering to have panicked MySpace messages, emails and Gmail IMs saying WHERE ARE THE HORRORSCOPES????? first thing Monday morning. As soon as I'm famous, I'm buying all of you lunch.
Welcome to the week of April 9th-15th!!!
Aries (Mar. 21-April 19)
Stupid blogger. I wrote a great reading for you, and it ate it!!! I’m going to try to reconstruct what I wrote. The shit thoroughly hit the fan for Aries last week, but no matter how bad the ride got, they didn’t get off and they didn’t kill anyone. It’s an inspiration to the rest of the zodiac, all of whom let their houses burn down with them still in them. However, Aries has started doing their “bottle the friggin’ emotions” until they’re all rusty on the inside thing. Or until they “go punch a hole” in the wall thing. Look, Aries. Shit Happening is a part of life. You can’t get mad at life for it. Life can’t help that. The good news is that the coming week will provide some safe, pleasant padded room time for the nervous breakdown you’ve been wanting to have. (Funny Aries trivia of the week: Ask an Aries if they’re a typical Aries. Bet you five dollars the Aries will say no.)
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus loves to do stuff. Taurus is talented at lots of things and fun to bring to lots of things. Taurus doesn’t like to sit home while everyone else is having a good time—unless they’re doing too much. Taurus, you know you freak out when you’ve got too much going on. You’re not disappointing anyone by staying home a night this week or saying no to another project that doesn’t pay. You need to take it easy this week because you’ve got a major shift coming. I mean major shift—as in, partner gets laid off, partner gets knocked up, best friend divorces and moves into your living room. Yeah. You’re going to feel like no one understands you and that no one knows what you’re going through. It’s not that we don’t understand or listening to you—most of us have had best friends set up their lives in our living rooms—it’s that we’re all going to be extra busy this week. Don’t get mad at us. We are listening.
Gemini(May 21-June 20)
What the hell happened? Why are you freaking out? You finally got some cash, even if it’s not all that you wanted. We all want you to calm down because you’re driving us all crazy. No one is out to get you. Not even Scorpio. If you refuse to calm down, I suggest getting out to a club before the weekend and dance some of that shit out. You’re not trapped in a basement, cage or dungeon. If you’re into that stuff, you LIKE cages and dungeons and are not being held against your will. Unless you like being held against your will. Which in that case, you’re still not really trapped. Shit. I’m getting confused. Damn you and your double lives. Ah, well. I’m not too worried. You’re going to flip a switch around Wednesday, lunchtime, I think. And you’ll be all happy-skippy-jumpy and annoying the hell out of your co-workers. It’s okay. We like you better that way.
Cancer (June 21-July 22 )
Wee!!! Happy happy Cancers are we! I don’t know about the rest of the Moon Children, but I couldn’t stop laughing this week! It’s a good week to start scoping out new ways to make some cash. Hey! We could do the Capricorn thing and selling our dirty underwear on the internet! It could be lucrative. CancerPanties.com. Um…that doesn’t have a good ring to it. It’s also a good week to talk to God. Or Goddess. Or Higher Self. Time to take stock of the spiritual life as well as the monetary. We know it’s an ongoing Cancerian battle to get a grip on the emotional yo-yo. When we start to feel wonky and wobbly this week, we’ve got to keep it in and work through it ourselves. We run a high risk of annoying the crap out of everyone around us. Monday, we’re happy. Tuesday, we suck. Wednesday, our lives are futile attempts at nothingness. STOP!!! Listen to that sweet little voice within. I’m trying really hard, except my inner voice whines a lot.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Ah! Someone has embarked on a healthy new endeavor! We like it when Leos are hard at work. They’re happy little critters when they’re up to their elbows in a project they love. Knowing Leo, it probably has to do with performance, paint or Play-Doe. Or taking over a small nation. They like doing that, too. Leo, I’m happy to report that the path this week is free of pirates and other scallywags. I know there was a panic button pushed last week, but that wasn’t my fault. Or yours, either. Blame the fucking stars, man. Anyway, the downside is that if you’re looking for love, it’s not going to happen this week. Don’t take that to mean you’re going to be unhappily single for all time. Just this week. What they hell? Why are you unhappily single? Go stay out at a party until 5 a.m. and be glad you don’t have to check in with anyone. Or call me! I’ll go dancing with you. If you’re in a relationship, don’t let your deep-rooted insecurities choke you if your partner seems distant. Talk to them. If they’re not in the mood to talk, give them space. No imminent breakups on the horizon. You can always call me! I’ll go dancing with you. And I promise not to hit on you. Too much.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
It hurts me to see you this way, my Virgin Child. In a lot of ways, you’re on top of the world. Some sort of financial success occurred—pseudo or otherwise. You’re feeling remotely optimistic about the future. However, you didn’t learn from a past mistake. Perhaps you didn’t even realize you were making it, but you need to wake up. If this regards a relationship, demand changes or get the fuck out. I’ve got some wizdumb to impart. No one ever picks the one who waits for them. I repeat. NO ONE. EV-ER. PICKS THE ONE WHO WAITS FOR THEM. You may be the coolest, hippest dude or chick who ever lived, but if you’re hung up on someone and waiting for them to come around—they won’t. People just don’t do that. In the rare exceptions to this clause, the person will feel as though they settled, and you’re too good for that. Have some goddamn respect for yourself. Pack it up and move on to the next one. Trust me, baby. I’ve been there. ;)
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Can I just take a moment and say how much I love the way Libra lets shit go so quickly? Even when they’re completely freaked out, as soon as the problem is solved, they forget it ever happened. As Queen of Not Letting Shit Go Ever, I respect and admire Libras all over. Wow. Libras are titty-deep in emotions this week in regards to, of course, relationships. Looks as though for most of them, these are good emotions. For some, it may be pressing repeat on Arcade Fire’s Crown of Love. (Eek.) No matter which side of the love scale you’re on, don’t drown in your emotions this week. This time, the drama wagon is coming your way! We’re trying to give Sagittarius a break. It’s going to make for a lot of super-annoying interruptions in things you’d rather be doing. When you’re having to deal with evil Step-Parent making your Blood Parent unhappy, help as you can, but know you probably won’t win the battle. It’s not your shit to fix, first of all. Second, people don’t always fix their own shit in the way you think they should. Nothing you can do about that!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Where are you guys? I haven’t seen or heard from my Scorpios in awhile. They’re either lurking in their towers, plotting my death again, or lurking in a smoky bar drowning their sorrows—and plotting my death. Again. Ah! The monkeys have explained it. Scorpio is hiding out because they’re all broke. Ooh. Well, we’ve all been there, doll-face! They’re also none too happy because they’re not getting the power and recognition they deserve. You all probably don’t deserve it, but the majority of Scorpios questing for prestige this week have global concerns as well as personal. You probably do have a better economic plan for the small nation your army is taking over, than the moron currently in charge. However, your need to search and destroy this one particular person is inhibiting your creative self. Enable that ironic smile of yours. This person or situation is going to self destruct, you won’t even have to lift a finger. God, I hope it’s not me. When the dust settles, you’ll be able to move in and set up the utopia colony for which you’ve researched and studied and planned. And we’ll all live happily ever after. The end.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
I wish everyone could have heard the conversation my two Sagittarians co-workers had this week! They both said, pretty much at the same time, “Astrology can be applied to anything, don’t you think? Don’t you think the descriptions of the signs can be tailored to anyone? But, yeah. Personal drama sucks.” Then, they looked at each other and laughed. Sag, if you’re trying to get knocked up (WHAT??????), it’s not going to happen this week. For those of you determined to stay barren for the time being, the super-cool change or thing you’ve been waiting to have happen, isn’t going to happen this week. Sorry. Wait! This reading isn’t going to completely suck. While you may feel kind of stuck-in-a-rut for the time being, you’re going to be surrounded by lots and lots of sweet, sweet LOVE!!!! Suck it in and enjoy it for the rest of us! The Universe is trying to teach the Archers patience this week—and that in itself shall be your reward. Not as cool as a pony, I know, but I don’t control your destiny. Drink in the love and ignore the fact that you don’t have all the things you want. That’s not a bad reading, right? It’s better than last week, isn’t it? Damn Cancerian insecurities….
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Look, babe. We know you’re upset. You have every reason to be pissed all to hell. I’d be pissed too if that shit happened to me! Now, don’t get angry because the rest of the world isn’t angry. We can feel for you without actually having to join you in your fury. Now, the best way for you to deal with the frustrating thing is to focus on something else. Work, creative endeavors, household repairs. I know some Capricorns last week are angry because of one of those items. At least you have two other options. It’s actually going to be a break-through week for Capricorn—business and/or creatively speaking. They’re going to end this week looking back on mentioned drama with an ironic smile. They didn’t let it destroy them. You guys are so much more sturdy than you give yourselves credit for. You’re going to be given a blank canvas to do all kinds of cool stuff. Do it and invite us all over to look at it.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Uh oh. Aquarius, I regret to inform you that this week is going to suck in a monstrous form. All signs of the Zodiac have personal demons and ickies, and occasionally we’re face to face with them. This week, baby, it’s you. Don’t disappear into you. We all care about you and want to help. Facing your nasties does not spell D-E-S-T-R-U-C-T-I-O-N. Maybe I shouldn’t have typed that, I’m afraid you’re only focusing on the word in caps and not reading the rest of this. Disruption takes many forms, but it’s all timely. You need to face that which you’ve been hiding from. Keep talking, keep open. When the dust settles, you’ll find that you’re a stronger, fully person—with several loving hands to hold! Okay. I want to stop sounding like a New Age barker. In other good news, you’re going to find a couple of healthy distractions that will start you on some new projects that are going to be lots of fun and full of bunnies and sunshine. I just typed sunSHITE by accident. That’s pretty funny. See the humor in a fuck-up? There’s hope for you, yet.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Ooh. Another ew-ey reading. Well, fish-friend, the good news is that the bad news is all in your head. No one is bent on your demise this week. You do have some mental garbage to take out and probably a lot of tears to cry, but other than that, you’re doing pretty okay. I don’t see any serious financial hardships or nasty drama wagons. I’m stirring the cauldron and looking for some good news…friendship! While you may not have a gob of people making stupid faces at you to cheer you up, you do have a couple of close friends nearby who love you very much and are there to help. I always want to help my Pisces friends. However, most of this you’re going to have to work through alone—as is your way, anyway. Discarding old habits, eliminating dead relationships, severing gangrene limbs, it’s all timely! (Timely. The only way to make a bad horrorscope better.) Remember that people are there for you when you’re ready to take their help. Xoxoxo
Happy Easter! Do you know what this means? Only three weeks to Beltaine!!! :D!!!
Monday, April 2, 2007
Sun in Aries, Moon in Virgo--WHAT????
Big, luscious full moon out tonight, kids! Don't forget, we're still fresh to the realm of Aries and also, this delightful moon is in VIRGO!!! Who can tell me what this means?
(crickets--go.)
The time of Aries means that most of us (and I do mean most, not all...) will feel the pull of our industrious ram friend and peel ourselves off the couch more than usual. We restart our dusty New Year's resolutions, start doing the Spring cleaning thing, start pushing a little more at work. Personally, I painted the kitchen. Part of this is the fresh air and finally melted snow (spring), but it also may have to do with that fiery beast in the sky, nudging our cosmic asses to move a little more.
However, we have a full moon in Virgo.
When the moon is in a certain sign, the people of planet earth will feel the influence of the darker part of that sign. While Virgo has many lovely qualities: the thinker, the wise friend, the Devil's Advocate of the Zodiac we all occasionally want to kill...Virgo is also plagued with over-analyzing of minutia that borders on obsession, paranoia, OCD cleanliness and frigid posture. If this week, you're working extra hard at the office but you're convinced that the co-worker who gave you a quasi-frown is secretly harboring your imminent destruction--chill. If you become obsessed with the removal of a colony of mold on your shower floor--no matter how long you've peacefully lived with said mold--again, just chill. If your friend or partner's underdeveloped thoughts regarding whether 300 is propaganda or comic relief and you want to strangle them with their messenger bag for being such a shallow idiot (the strangling part is the Aries influence...)--please chill. The inconsequential things suddenly bothering the hell out of you are part of this Virgo moon, and Aries' influence has removed all patience from your ordinarily glowing cosmic rays. Give it a week or so. Be thankful it's not a Gemini moon under Aries. Geez.
(FYI. Stupid Blogger ate all the quotes I had for the week. That's not why you read it, anyway. So, here are the Horrorscopes without the Famous Last Cosmic words. xoxo!!!)
Aries (Mar. 21-April 19)
You're working hard for the money, aren't you, sweetie pie? You are not letting anyone distract you from your goals--not even that pesky spouse of yours. Aries, we all admire and wish we had the kick-ass attitude that you do, but when you ignore the rest of us--particularly those of us closest to you--we become resentful. Cosmically speaking, when putting all of your energy into accomplishing one thing, you will undoubtedly fail. Even if you win that cheap-ass trophy you're going for, no one is going to care enough to show up at the awards ceremony. Not even for cheap wine and brie. So, where's the glory in that? (By the way--most trophies are painted. Even the Oscars have little 'real' gold in them.) You're on the verge of burnout, too, by the way. This isn't to say you shouldn't try, just slow down and don't forget the people in your life. We actually do like cheap wine and brie very much and would love to come to your awards ceremony when you get there--but not if you've been a jackass all year. Think about it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Boy. Something is just not going your way, is it? Taurus becomes supremely unhappy when the going way isn't their own. Whether or not it's true--Taurus feels stuck in rut. Frankly, you're simply not being creative enough to get yourself out of this (self-created....) ditch. Can't call for help--phone's out of minutes. Can't climb out--expensive manicure will crack. Stupid partner is at the bar and too wasted to know you're missing--loser. Guess what? This ain't Oz or Disney and no happy endings happen on their own. Can't scream? Sing. Can't walk? Dance. Can't dance? Dance anyway--but not publicly, please. Do something to break up your monotony because no one is going to do it for you. Get over it, Taurus. You'll be glad you took care of yourself because when you're rich and famous and running the world--you'll only have yourself to thank and won't owe anyone drinks.
Gemini(May 21-June 20)
Clearly, you're still having money troubles and clearly, this has made you incredibly unpleasant to be around. Gemini, ye who wear emotions on your billowy sleeves, you also hate being alone and when people don't return your phone calls--you don't just feel lonely, you feel panicked and lost. Stop bitching about your troubles and look for simple do-it-yourself solutions. With a plethora of "Blah-Blah for Dummies" on the market, the only way you won't find a solution is if you don't look for one. If this is a financial issue, and all monkeys seem to agree that it IS...it's going to take quite a while to dig out. However, you will learn new things about yourself in the process! Who knew you'd enjoy a paper route so much? No one could have told you what a great hot dog vendor you make. By George, plasma donation tickles! By the way, Rich and Evil old Uncle won't bite it this week either. However, the following week looks much better for sudden inheritance.
Cancer (June 21-July 22 )
Has anyone ever told us that we have the shittiest name in the whole Zodiac?
Well, we Cancerians are broke this week, too. Again. 'Tis the season for spending all of the tax refund at IKEA. We do want our nests to be pretty, after all. But it's not bothering us. Cancer is in LOVE this week!!! If it's not someone new, we're pining over the MySpace photos of junior-high flames who now live 700+ miles away with lovely spouses and 2.35 charming kids. (Sigh.) It could have been us....Whether this flame is requited or not, Cancerians around the globe are skipping to the gym and gussying it up with red lips and fishnets--determined are we to be the sexiest crustaceans in the pond. However, everyone can see right through our soft-shelled demeanor. We're using pretty-pretties to cover up deep insecurities. That dresser mirror would better be used in a symbolic sense. Maybe we should take a look at who we are, and start fixing ourselves from within. My mom says that will make us prettier on the outside. It's true. Why? Are you arguing with my mom? Shut up. You're a moron and my mom knows everything.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd)
ATTENTION ZODIAC. AVOID LEOS THIS WEEK NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO NAIL THEM. THEY ARE PISSED ALL TO HELL AND THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE IT OUT ON US.
Leo. Oh my God. I don't want to know what happened, I don't care to know who did it--so long as it wasn't me. The Lions are so angry, even my bad-ass Flying Monkeys are hiding under the couch. You're pounding your hot little heads into your palms and chanting, "I can't do it again. I don't want to do it again. Why the hell do I have to do it again?" The process of starting over sucks big time, Leo. Even with all of its shiny, pretty rainbows of promise--the nasty storms just prior to those pretty rainbows cause trees to fall on cars and stuff. You are going to have to calm down, friend. It iss a pretty common Leo trait to gloriously panic when the whole world collapses--whether or not it actually collapsed. Unfortunately, it looks as though the world did collapse on Leo this week. But Leos take no time to jump back up and shake that sexy mane, ready to tear the throat out of the next thing in their path. Hang in there through Friday, Leo. I can't promise it'll automatically get better--but at least it will be Friday. In the meantime, pretend you have a migraine and take three days off work. I see no other viable solution.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Is your own full moon affecting you, Virgin Child? It's affecting the hell out of all of us, too. We frankly don't know how you live as a Virgo. Virgo, you have a tendency to let your heads collapse due to chronic over-thinking. I know I make fun of you all the time for that, but this week I'm sincerely worried about the Virgos of the world. Neurosis, addiction and other nasty little monsters will creep out not only from under your bed, but up the kitchen sink and potty too--like in the bad, scary movies. It's all in your head, Virgo. Think of your mind as a house and your obsessive thoughts as black mold. If you let them go too far, you'll get asthma or something. I don't know, I haven't dealt with black mold since I left Oregon. Reach out to your friends. They're worried about you. The Cancers are feeling loving and generous this week--might be a good place to start. This will be the only time I will whore my own sign out for the benefit of others, so get it while it's good. (Psst.....Zodiac! Look! We've distracted Virgo from their thoughts! Leave while they're analyzing the symbolic meaning of mind as house.....)
(crickets--go.)
The time of Aries means that most of us (and I do mean most, not all...) will feel the pull of our industrious ram friend and peel ourselves off the couch more than usual. We restart our dusty New Year's resolutions, start doing the Spring cleaning thing, start pushing a little more at work. Personally, I painted the kitchen. Part of this is the fresh air and finally melted snow (spring), but it also may have to do with that fiery beast in the sky, nudging our cosmic asses to move a little more.
However, we have a full moon in Virgo.
When the moon is in a certain sign, the people of planet earth will feel the influence of the darker part of that sign. While Virgo has many lovely qualities: the thinker, the wise friend, the Devil's Advocate of the Zodiac we all occasionally want to kill...Virgo is also plagued with over-analyzing of minutia that borders on obsession, paranoia, OCD cleanliness and frigid posture. If this week, you're working extra hard at the office but you're convinced that the co-worker who gave you a quasi-frown is secretly harboring your imminent destruction--chill. If you become obsessed with the removal of a colony of mold on your shower floor--no matter how long you've peacefully lived with said mold--again, just chill. If your friend or partner's underdeveloped thoughts regarding whether 300 is propaganda or comic relief and you want to strangle them with their messenger bag for being such a shallow idiot (the strangling part is the Aries influence...)--please chill. The inconsequential things suddenly bothering the hell out of you are part of this Virgo moon, and Aries' influence has removed all patience from your ordinarily glowing cosmic rays. Give it a week or so. Be thankful it's not a Gemini moon under Aries. Geez.
(FYI. Stupid Blogger ate all the quotes I had for the week. That's not why you read it, anyway. So, here are the Horrorscopes without the Famous Last Cosmic words. xoxo!!!)
Aries (Mar. 21-April 19)
You're working hard for the money, aren't you, sweetie pie? You are not letting anyone distract you from your goals--not even that pesky spouse of yours. Aries, we all admire and wish we had the kick-ass attitude that you do, but when you ignore the rest of us--particularly those of us closest to you--we become resentful. Cosmically speaking, when putting all of your energy into accomplishing one thing, you will undoubtedly fail. Even if you win that cheap-ass trophy you're going for, no one is going to care enough to show up at the awards ceremony. Not even for cheap wine and brie. So, where's the glory in that? (By the way--most trophies are painted. Even the Oscars have little 'real' gold in them.) You're on the verge of burnout, too, by the way. This isn't to say you shouldn't try, just slow down and don't forget the people in your life. We actually do like cheap wine and brie very much and would love to come to your awards ceremony when you get there--but not if you've been a jackass all year. Think about it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Boy. Something is just not going your way, is it? Taurus becomes supremely unhappy when the going way isn't their own. Whether or not it's true--Taurus feels stuck in rut. Frankly, you're simply not being creative enough to get yourself out of this (self-created....) ditch. Can't call for help--phone's out of minutes. Can't climb out--expensive manicure will crack. Stupid partner is at the bar and too wasted to know you're missing--loser. Guess what? This ain't Oz or Disney and no happy endings happen on their own. Can't scream? Sing. Can't walk? Dance. Can't dance? Dance anyway--but not publicly, please. Do something to break up your monotony because no one is going to do it for you. Get over it, Taurus. You'll be glad you took care of yourself because when you're rich and famous and running the world--you'll only have yourself to thank and won't owe anyone drinks.
Gemini(May 21-June 20)
Clearly, you're still having money troubles and clearly, this has made you incredibly unpleasant to be around. Gemini, ye who wear emotions on your billowy sleeves, you also hate being alone and when people don't return your phone calls--you don't just feel lonely, you feel panicked and lost. Stop bitching about your troubles and look for simple do-it-yourself solutions. With a plethora of "Blah-Blah for Dummies" on the market, the only way you won't find a solution is if you don't look for one. If this is a financial issue, and all monkeys seem to agree that it IS...it's going to take quite a while to dig out. However, you will learn new things about yourself in the process! Who knew you'd enjoy a paper route so much? No one could have told you what a great hot dog vendor you make. By George, plasma donation tickles! By the way, Rich and Evil old Uncle won't bite it this week either. However, the following week looks much better for sudden inheritance.
Cancer (June 21-July 22 )
Has anyone ever told us that we have the shittiest name in the whole Zodiac?
Well, we Cancerians are broke this week, too. Again. 'Tis the season for spending all of the tax refund at IKEA. We do want our nests to be pretty, after all. But it's not bothering us. Cancer is in LOVE this week!!! If it's not someone new, we're pining over the MySpace photos of junior-high flames who now live 700+ miles away with lovely spouses and 2.35 charming kids. (Sigh.) It could have been us....Whether this flame is requited or not, Cancerians around the globe are skipping to the gym and gussying it up with red lips and fishnets--determined are we to be the sexiest crustaceans in the pond. However, everyone can see right through our soft-shelled demeanor. We're using pretty-pretties to cover up deep insecurities. That dresser mirror would better be used in a symbolic sense. Maybe we should take a look at who we are, and start fixing ourselves from within. My mom says that will make us prettier on the outside. It's true. Why? Are you arguing with my mom? Shut up. You're a moron and my mom knows everything.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd)
ATTENTION ZODIAC. AVOID LEOS THIS WEEK NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO NAIL THEM. THEY ARE PISSED ALL TO HELL AND THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE IT OUT ON US.
Leo. Oh my God. I don't want to know what happened, I don't care to know who did it--so long as it wasn't me. The Lions are so angry, even my bad-ass Flying Monkeys are hiding under the couch. You're pounding your hot little heads into your palms and chanting, "I can't do it again. I don't want to do it again. Why the hell do I have to do it again?" The process of starting over sucks big time, Leo. Even with all of its shiny, pretty rainbows of promise--the nasty storms just prior to those pretty rainbows cause trees to fall on cars and stuff. You are going to have to calm down, friend. It iss a pretty common Leo trait to gloriously panic when the whole world collapses--whether or not it actually collapsed. Unfortunately, it looks as though the world did collapse on Leo this week. But Leos take no time to jump back up and shake that sexy mane, ready to tear the throat out of the next thing in their path. Hang in there through Friday, Leo. I can't promise it'll automatically get better--but at least it will be Friday. In the meantime, pretend you have a migraine and take three days off work. I see no other viable solution.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Is your own full moon affecting you, Virgin Child? It's affecting the hell out of all of us, too. We frankly don't know how you live as a Virgo. Virgo, you have a tendency to let your heads collapse due to chronic over-thinking. I know I make fun of you all the time for that, but this week I'm sincerely worried about the Virgos of the world. Neurosis, addiction and other nasty little monsters will creep out not only from under your bed, but up the kitchen sink and potty too--like in the bad, scary movies. It's all in your head, Virgo. Think of your mind as a house and your obsessive thoughts as black mold. If you let them go too far, you'll get asthma or something. I don't know, I haven't dealt with black mold since I left Oregon. Reach out to your friends. They're worried about you. The Cancers are feeling loving and generous this week--might be a good place to start. This will be the only time I will whore my own sign out for the benefit of others, so get it while it's good. (Psst.....Zodiac! Look! We've distracted Virgo from their thoughts! Leave while they're analyzing the symbolic meaning of mind as house.....)
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Hmm....all kinds of stuff going on here this week. Money problems, which Libra chooses to ignore for the time being--thank you. They're irritated, probably at their partner, best friend, pet rat, whoever. They're not doing anything about it for the time being either. The monkeys say it's because the scales are SO out of whack, they're springing all over the place, but silence will not help them settle. If someone hurt your feelings, you need to say so. If someone pissed you off, you definitely need to say so. Wrapping your frustrations into pretty little coils will cause them to spring back and take some poor bastard's eye out. You'll have to pay for a glass eye and then your money problems will be really bad. You'll be tempted to console your ragged feelings with consumerist therapy. But no matter how lovely the Capitalist sirens sing...don't do it. We all know your credit card bill is a terrifying thing. Don't make it worse.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
What the hell happened? You were BEYOND twitterpated last week, and now you're sulking. Did you get bored with your partner, or did your romantic lurking come off as stalker-ish? Was this a Taurus? Yeah, they're not really into you just showing up at their dentist appointment to bring them toothpaste--even if you were in the neighborhood, and even if it's a (creepily) thoughtful thing to do. So, you tried to make something work, and it didn't. That's life. Take some time to go reflect under a tree or something. That's what Buddha did and it worked out pretty well for him. Since you're Scorpio, you're bound to go brood about this anyway for awhile. Use your powers of reflection for good, not retaliation. I don't think your dumpy feelings will last long, however. I see you back up and prowling bars and bookshops for a new object of desire. You kids never have long between lovers, so don't fret, act pompous or get bitter. Write some poetry. And....were you really into this person? Or was it the chase? These are tricky little questions, I know...but since you're brooding anyway.......
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sag is in six different positions--I mean--directions this week. Gee. What else is new? Oh, Sag. The world is just too pretty and fascinating not to go and stick your grubby fingers in everything. And for once, the world's most overbearing Cancerian is telling you to go ahead. Try some new drugs. Reckless behavior makes our little Sags so very happy. No, really. Have some fun because the drama wagon is coming your way and plans to smother you with everyone else's problems. For those of you who are just joining us, Sag detests drama in a way that's only comparable to a Capricorn's hatred of poverty. When these dumb bastards show up and start polluting your back yard with "wah wah wah's..." you will need to be steady, no matter how much you want to hide from office politics in a bottle of Jim Beam. You're going to be the one playing Mr./Ms. Mediator. It sucks, but we all have to do it sometimes. It's your turn. So, while the going is good, enjoy the pleasures of something illegal. Just don't get caught because I'm turning my phone off and don't have the cash to bail you out, anyway.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Damn. I'm glad I'm not involved with a Capricorn this week. It looks as though our Goat-friends will be doing a lot screaming and hurling of random objects. Capricorn, I may sound condescending, but you do realize this is a wholly counter-productive approach to personal tensions, don't you? Try to remember what your therapist said at your last session, without focusing on what a total moron they are. We think your therapist is a cash-sucking asshole, too--but just pretend they're not for this week, okay? Try really, really hard to be the beautiful and unique snowflake we know you are, and live in joy for the time being. Capricorn, you're perfect in this one moment--right, guys? Capricorn is perfect? The turmoil you're facing is just that--turmoil. And it probably sucks a lot. But let's not make it worse by freaking the fuck out about it. Plus, throwing things at your friends is not the best way to get them to come back and play again.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
This is taking too long. Not the reading, of course. But in Aquarius's mind--hey, what was that? You were all excited about your latest obsession, but when it started to demand...um, commitment, from our charmingly flighty friend--Aquarius wanted to join the Peace Corps. I'm not saying the Peace Corps isn't a fantastic idea. Leave the greedy First World behind, go help the sick and impoverished. I am saying that it will take longer than two weeks to cure the world of sickness and poverty, so you might as well finish the project you started last week here in the Great Satan. All things take time to complete, and they're not always going to be roller skate and chocolate pudding fun. If this project or relationship suddenly imploded just as things were going well, cheer up. Something else will be along to distract you in no time. In fact, I'm not so sure everything did implode. It may have just crinkled a bit. So before you go running off to Botswana or Omaha, take a moment to look at what happened. There may be something you can do to fix it.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Huh. Well, I can't say I'm too surprised. Pisceans found the Spirit this week, guys. That's pretty cool. Some of us would call that being brainwashed--but it can't be that bad when the Fish Kids seem so happy about it. Pisces, you're on a new path. Please don't let it involve drinking someone's Kool-Aid. This new path will require you to abandon the way you relate to others. Your pick-up lines are null and void. (It was time for a fresh set, anyway...) It's not a time to go looking for cash, but you knew that. It's not a time to go looking for sex. You knew that too, but didn't want to admit it. You'll probably go through a few days of feeling completely lost and crave union. The best union you could attain right now is one with yourself. Anyone you start dating right now is probably going to be a soul and cash sucking bitch or bastard and you'll have to start all over again, anyway. If you take this opportunity to commune with your own spirit, you'll probably reach enlightenment by Thursday. Thank God, someone will have the answers around here. I'll even let you take over this Astrology monster I've created.
Dear Llewlyn:
You didn't answer my message last week. Why won't you buy advertising for me? Even my Dad thinks this shit is funny--and he doesn't even like Astrology. If I can get my Sagittarian father to read this, I could part seas with this crap. Think of all the underwater people we'd reach!
xoxo
C
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
