Sunday, August 26, 2007

Happy Birthday, Kinky Virgins!!!!

Yes, it’s the end of the summer. Let’s ignore that fact for a second, as well as that still-nasty Venus in Retrograde which is only going to get murkier and more depressingly introspective with that Pisces full moon this week. Yeesh. Don’t want to even think about how much wine the Convent will consume to combat the upcoming blues.

So, let’s focus on something happier. It’s time, glorious sinners, to celebrate the birthdays of the sign least likely to believe in astrology….VIRGO!!!

Symbolized by a pretty “virgin,” holding a bunch of wheat in her hands—Virgos are known for their intellectual and analytical ways. They were the kids who weren’t afraid to give every friggin’ answer in every friggin’ class. As they’re reading this blog, they are decimating every description and trying to find a way to say, “That’s not really me, because…” and looking up evidence in Wikipedia to prove it. Don’t deny it, Virgo. They like to argue. They like to read. They’re also, being good little Earth signs, into things of beauty. But unlike other Earth signs, they’re more likely to create beauty than purchase it. Most Virgos are quite tight fisted with their cash, which is good since many are drawn to artistic ventures which may require periods of starvation. Most Virgos end up in careers that involve the written word, although I’ve met several who are attracted to producing theater or visual art. Shrewdly competitive, keenly observant and master strategists—I will never, ever, ever play poker opposite a Virgo. Or participate in a jousting tournament with a Virgo. Neither should you, unless you’re willing to receive merciless thrashing at either.

There is a giant misconception about Virgo. Most astrology books say they’re shy and reserved. Reserved, maybe. Shy? Quiet? HA! Hardly. Virgo loves attention, and they often get it—being naturally argumentative and alluring in their fixed listening. It only takes a drink or two to turn a reserved Virgo into the biggest ass-shaker on the dance floor.

Virgos are extremely loyal. They are happiest when everyone is getting along and often work extremely hard to mend smoldering bridges, should one come between themselves and others. Virgos don’t often find a life partner early on in their dating career. But when they choose to fuse, it’s a lifelong bond that may change forms but won’t ever dissolve. Virgos make excellent friends, advisors and partners as they constantly rein in the crazy. “Back to Earth, back to Earth,” says the Virgo mantra. They look at all sides of situations and even when we hate to hear it, force us to look at a point of view we don’t like.

In the 900 years of occult study, Sister Mary has never seen a dichotomy between the genders as is evident in Virgo. Most signs act pretty much the same whether they’re sporting a pee-pee or a hoo-ha, but Virgo men and women are devastatingly different. Male Virgos tend to be more stubborn and reserved, focusing on methodical approaches to EVERYTHING, based on solid research. Virgo women are frequently more open to exploration to expand their mind, rather than simply reading about it. It’s the Virgo women who overturn the stereotype of the shy, reserved, Virgin. They’re nuts. We love them.

While exceptional at articulating thoughts in verbal form, Virgos often have an easier time releasing emotion, stress, anxiety, hell…even joy through physical modes. I know one Virgo woman who has offered to kick my ass anytime I would like to have that experience. I have yet to take her up on this offer. When your Virgo starts to act strangely, take him or her to the gym and strap them to the Elliptical for 30 or 45 minutes. They’ll be normal again, afterward.

Even if a Virgo isn’t into physical activity, they’re definitely into sex. Which begs the question, who up there was smoking what nasty-ass grass when they decided to give Virgo the sign of the Virgin???? These kids love sex. More than that, they need it. A pent up Virgo is a dangerous, dangerous thing. Your Virgo will take to the bedroom what they don’t let people see during the day. Got a rambunctious specimen? Plan for a lot of cuddles and butterfly kisses, with climatic tears when that soft side shows through. Did you get one of the gentle, more reserved types? Get a second pack of condoms and extra lube. They’ll need several rounds of rough romp to express all that rage they hide from regular life. In either case, verbal Virgo likes to be talked to through the act. Don’t be afraid to say the dirty, dirty stuff to your Virgo. It will stimulate their intellectual kinks.

Now, here’s what’s tough about Virgo. They often come across and cold and uncaring, which isn’t necessarily true—but the mind, the method, the intellect comes first to Virgo before the emotion. They can be subject to fits of anger, and frequently don’t understand their own emotions. Sometimes so skeptical, their world outlook can often become cynical. They’re a little too often the ones Peter Pan warned us about becoming. Particularly in love, Virgos become disappointed when one communication or romantic style “that worked with the last one!” fails them in subsequent situations. Failed methods devastate analytical Virgo. They’re wont to make romantic decisions based on their head than their heart, which can lead to regrets. They’d do better if they better trust their intuition, and avoided their trait of seeing emotion as weakness.

Okay. Enough about them. It’s time to start the readings. Please help Sister Mary give an enormous HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the Virgos of the Convent of Sensual Salvation: Lopi, Jennifer Glick, Matt Johnston, Ben Reindau, Larry, Hank, Beshka, Jeff Free, Mike L., Sean, Tanya O’Debra and Boisvert. You guys are fabulous and should be eaten with velvet spoons!!! (Go ahead. Virgo-analyze that one.)

Welcome to the Week of August 26-September 1st!!! You’re all beautiful, talented and delightfully flawed…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Holy jizz. Aries actually left something behind that wasn’t working anymore…This is an astrological phenomenon rarely seen. The cauldron reveals Rams across the Universe throwing up their hands in the face of the Venus in Retrograde. A part of some relationship has been discarded—perhaps the whole thing. This is new for Aries who will battle for their way into the next millennium if necessary. However, they’re now pulling the incredibly typical Aries move of, “Never again. I’m going to my room and no one is allowed to come in.” That’s only going to last like, a day, when you’re friends will get sick of your attitude and drag you of the house to go shack up with a new vixen—human or symbolic. Trust them. They know what’s best for your cranky ass.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Hey, maybe you’re the hot new thing Aries is going to bump into! Actually, if that’s true, be prepared that Aries (or any other sign, for that matter) is only using you for your sweet temperament and loving tongue. Remember, your home planet is in Retrograde. Any connections you make during this time—romantic or otherwise—are likely to be short lived. Don’t balk and don’t make us listen to you whine about it. In addition, don’t take a short-lived relationship as any kind of sign of personal failure. Sure, you’re a walking train wreck. (Who isn’t?) Just watch that you’re not measuring your worth in how many phone calls you actually get from writing your number on the bathroom stall. Damn. Taurus, did you actually do that? Take your Zanex and call me tomorrow.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
As per usual, Gemini’s reading is split down the middle between happily and morbidly chaotic—both of which will come to a dead stand still mid week, which will confuse both sides of the manic twins. Yeah, your celebration or self-medication will come to a screeching halt when you get a call from the ex, needing cat-support money. Either hungover or still inebriated, you’re more likely than ever to say something that could be drastically taken the wrong way. Let’s practice that whole, “Listen more, talk less,” thing and see if we can make any headway this week.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Okay, so let’s chart the last week or so of the Cosmic Crabs: We had some sort of epiphany. It was stellar. We tried to share that with the people around us, and they either looked as funny or deleted us as a MySpace friend for posting too many soap-box bulletins. That hurt our feelings. A lot. To make up for it, we decided to butt-in and try to go fix everyone else’s problems, even though the last time we did this, it left us tired, confus-ed and lacking cookie dough. Fellow Crabs, we must always remember to leave at least one tube of cookie dough in the fridge at all times, in order to ensure consistent self-nourishment. Too often, people take of our generous dough and forget it ever happened. Let us work on that this week.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
A special message to the Leos: quit being thrown by every remotely crazy thing landing in your general direction. The cauldron this week indicates that Leo was quite encouraged by the piece of mail that said they’d already won…blah-blah…seven weeks later and they’re still peeking through the lace curtains for that prize patrol van. Sorry, Leo, but what you thought was an opportunity was actually a gimmick to get you to buy magazines. This is quite frustrating, surely, but understand that a lack of opportunity does not constitute throwing flaming liquor bottles at the van when it goes to your neighbor’s house instead. Fate is working in your favor in that frustratingly invisible way. A happy ending is on its way, but not one you ever envisioned. Cryptic, right? Sorry.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
“Surrender” wasn’t the word you wanted last week, but it was the only one you could come up with at the end of the twelve hour Scrabble tournament. So, it seems that “Surrender” is an easy word, and you lost to the Sagittarius who somehow managed to come up with “Septuagesima.” So, you didn’t win this round and the next tournament isn’t for another year. Instead of taking Sag out back and kicking their ass, take the next twelve months to memorize the dictionary. Patience is something you, Virgo, have never liked very much. You don’t have to like it, but you’re going to have to learn to eat it before impatience eats you. And it will. Foot tapping is often misdiagnosed as “Restless Leg Syndrome,” and your local pharmaceutical-wielder will load you with a bunch of drugs that cause horridly nasty side effects including irritable bowel-syndrome and aversion to beer. You’ve been warned.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Hi, Libra! Remember last week, when you were always right and had fabulous make-up sex? Last week was great. While it’s not bad news, you won’t be thrilled. Another disruption is on its way, and it looks like a reincarnation of the last one, but in an uglier form. You won’t be able to cutesy-poo-pout your way out of it this time. This week’s obstacle course, courtesy of the shady Pisces moon, will have no obvious resolution and will require alone time. Dust off your pretty scales and weigh your needs/thinks/wants next to everyone elses. No fair adding to your side just for the sake of adding. The next course of action is not destined, but determined by your levels of clear thinking and lack of bitching. It could work out quite well. Or, it could suck. The choice is yours.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
So, you walked in on someone doing something or someone they shouldn’t have. Maybe it was your best friend. Maybe it was a bitter enemy. Maybe it was your dad, or maybe it was you—caught in the funked-out ceiling mirror. Now, the choice is yours: a.) flap your jaws b.) accept the bribe c.) remain stealthily behind the closet door. It looks as though you ought to just take the bribe and buy Sister Mary dinner so she won’t tell, either. Nah, what you should actually do is allow for some dialogue between you and the guilty party—particularly if the guilty party is yourself. Speaking the truth and keeping a secret cause individual kinds of destruction. You, Prince or Princess Chaos, need to determine which destruction is more beneficial for mankind. Then, plan on taking a vacation far, far away for a few months to let everything blow over.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Hmmm…it looks as though Sag was hiding behind the other closet door in Scorpio’s bizarre farce. Sag, who typically loathes drama, is wont to walk away humming and claiming, “What? I know nothing, I was tending the roses…” You could be undoubtedly right in your silence. But before undergoing complete amnesia, think about how what you don’t say can be just as nasty as what you do. Chances are Scorpio’s going to take care of causing the drama for you. If by some strange chance they don’t, you may need to dip your teeny toe in the drama pool…just for a bit! Then, you can go hide in the monastery for a few months while this all blows over. Cheer up and take heart. You’ll only be blamed momentarily for what isn’t your fault.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Well, Capricorn, you sat in the think tank for long enough on your last debacle, and it looks as though most of you took the ass-kicking route. The b.s. busted out of your life and that of those around you. Not everyone around you is going to take the opportunity to see the light you painstakingly shot into their retinas. A couple probably went blind, actually…but you can be happy because even if you couldn’t change everyone to suit you—you sought you to be a bigger goat in a small pen. Now, the cauldron doesn’t show you as being particularly happy. In fact, it’s showing a lot of Capricorns in obscenely foul moods. Make sure you’re not simply getting off on getting pissed. That’s no way to shape the world into the one you want. No one will want to play with you and you’ll be stuck with your little chisel and saw, alone.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Maybe it was YOU Scorpio and Sag caught shagging where you weren’t supposed to. Although Sag isn’t speaking about it, and we’re all pretty sure it was Scorpio doing the deed—something foul did fall into your realm this week, Aquarius. These problems were caused by showing off in the pool this week. Let’s hope it was a mere strained hamstring and not a head-to-the-concrete thing. Aquarius, everyone finds you sexy with or without diving board tricks. Or are you simply doing the silly Aquarius thing of interpretive dance in the neighbor’s yard? True, their yard does have a more gentle slope toward the driveway, which certainly fits your needs, but does it trample the neighbor’s marigolds? Ponder that one for awhile. While you’re doing that, Cancerians will run over and replant the neighbor’s flowers…

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
It seems as though, Pisces, your own full moon will benefit you immensely this week. It’s going to confuse the hell out of the rest of us, so use this time to get your head back in some sort of order. It’s time to throw out the old porn, you know your tastes have evolved to erotica. The pleather skirt from twelve grade will never fit again, no matter how many times you do the lemonade fast. You’ll find that some arts and crafts thing you’ve been working on since January is going to need more time—typical—but you know how long water erosion can take on a rock sculpture. There’s a note here about miscommunication, which says you’re probably going to be the one taking an inane comment the wrong way. Did you read Gemini’s forecast? Keep that in mind when dealing with bi-polar twins this week. Or any sign for that matter. Venus’s Retrograde has turned us all into verbal blades.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

I was wrong. Wonderfully, wonderfully wrong...

Greetings, sinners! You are all wantonly congratulated for ignoring my predictions last week and getting laid all to hell. Sister Mary scratched under her wimple in delighted bewilderment. Isn’t Venus in Retrograde? Why are people suddenly slamming together in every room of every party in the Cosmos? Or is it just New York…?

But then it all became clear.

This weekend, we experienced a Scorpio moon and therefore, a desperate need to screw (Scorpios being the slutty scorpion that governs the genital region). Thank you, Scorpio. We’re all thankful for your visit over the weekend. Particularly in a Leo time, when people get feisty and crave domination!

Now, be careful. Without Venus present, a lot of hearts are getting broken and old wounds re-salted. Having Scorpio present means a lot of brooding will be going on, and Leo’s easily wounded ego is only going to make romance more complicated. But as we’ve discovered, this Leo/Scorpio time makes for great sex—so turn off the computer and get out there. Scorpio will be hanging around through Wednesday, when Sag takes over which promises a lot of tricks and twizzles to delight you through next weekend.

Okay, so we’re not getting the fairy-tale-la-la-birds-and-butterflies-ending this week. But it does look like we’re going to be partying and romping through the next seven days. Take pictures and send them to Sister Mary Manhattan, if you would. Mother Superior is holding the annual naughty collage contest next, and I’m determined to beat out Sister Mary Brooklyn this year.

Onward to the week of August 19-25! It’s not as if you have a choice, anyway…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Contrary to popular belief, Aries isn’t the partier its brethren fire signs tend to be. Think more bouncer than barfly. If you’re involved with an Aries, be prepared that the majority of the world is going to annoy the crap out of them. Yeah, Aries. You’re going to want peace and quiet. Good luck finding it, but if you do, you’ll be thrilled to find that your higher power is actually a golden version of you. That’s right. Your higher power is a golden ram who will provide you with a psychic hammer, quite useful for (symbolically, please) cracking the skulls of all the morons disrupting your all-too fragile mental disposition.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Man it sucks to have your home planet in Retrograde…Taurus, you more than any of us need to be taking full advantage of this Scorpio time. I actually don’t know a single Taurus/Scorpio relationship, friendship, co-workership, or swingership that didn’t end in broken glass and therapy. But if you take this time to open up your stubborn mind to a couple of tricks the Universe could teach you, this week could be a lot of fun. Actually, forget everything I just said. Word from the cauldron reads that Taurus is going to be cooped up at home with a case of the Brokes. I hope it’s the brokes. Haven’t noticed many flu bugs around these days. You’re not missing out on anything. Really. No one is having any fun without you. Don’t read anymore of this blog. Seriously. Stop it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Oh, yeah…Gemini is going to have a fabulous time this week. Chock full of commitment-phobic sex and frolicking semi-to-fully nude in the Universal streets? Awesome! This is exactly Gemini’s kind of week. Except…they’re going to fall hopelessly in love. Gemini, this is a very bad time to fall in love. Please be the exception and please prove poor little Sister Mary wrong, but if you start putting your heart into something now, you’re likely to get it handed back to you with a fist print in it. Probably a couple of cigarette burns as well. The good news is that you’re Gemini. If it doesn’t work, you’ll cry for a week and the next week won’t even remember the person’s name.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Ah, Cancers. This week is the perfect time to partake in our second favorite pastime: Flagrant Self-Destruction (second only to Obsessing Over Shit Long Gone). If we do feel the absolute need to ruin a frighteningly suitable partnership, this will be the greatest week to do so. In fact, we’ll be out gallivanting with some worthless someone, and will probably catch our partners doing the same thing in the same alley with someone even more worthless! Let’s use this coming unfortunate embarrassment to get rid of the drama in our lives for ten minutes and work on something important. Like that collection of short stories clogging up your hard drive. Whatever it is we’re supposed to work on, it’s going to take for-friggin’-ever so we’re not allowed to quit this time and do something else. Which means I’m actually going to have to finish these horrorscopes…huh?

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leos have been trying seriously hard to rock their birthday month hard core, but stuff just keeps getting in the way. This week may just provide the blogger-worthy adventure you’re looking for! Note of caution: Scorpio’s presence is going to cause a lot of misunderstandings. You’re likely to take something said by your partner’s play buddy at the swinger club far too personally. You’re actually quite excellent at fellatio, so stop crying in the corner. Keep in mind that most of the douchey things people say are because they’re unhappy people who don’t know how to be nice. That has nothing to do with your powers of fellatio. Cheer up and don’t let someone else’s vapid insecurities ruin yet another week for you kittens.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
It’s not as though Virgo needs to loosen up. Ha! Okay, I suck at lying. Virgo is always in need of loosening up. However, this week you’re not going to have a choice. The chaos abounding will drag you out to the club like a debaucherous tidal wave. Hang on to your Wild Turkey, which will be your safety latch. I think you are the only sign actually encouraged to hide from your sources of nasty frustration this week. Most of the problems Virgo faces at the moment come not from anything they’re doing wrong, but simply from what the Universe is crapping on their doorstep. The only way to weather through it is to find some way to laugh at it. And don’t forget the Wild Turkey.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Wow. While the rest of us are out blowing our gas and oil bill money on this Leo/Scorpio ride, you’re actually making cash on a spiked lemonade stand. Tricky, tricky Libra. You got off easy last week too, as I recall. This week, it’s not going to be so easy. Your lemonade stand is likely to be assaulted by a pack of rabid, bike humping hipsters. The reconstruction of said stand will take far longer than you expected. Do not waste your energy tracking down evil hipsters with the intent of strangling them with their IPods. This will not create the balance you crave or fix your broken stand. You may even do time with scary people in a place with bars and slippery soap bars. Patience is your friend this week, darling.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Okay. Scorpio. If you haven’t been getting laid lately, this week holds all kinds of opportunity for you—you knowing better than anyone how to handle your own crazy moon. But you know what? Hold off. Right, you’re going to ignore me and straddle one of the nasty hipsters Libra is strangling, (we know you get off on struggle) but this is your week for communication. Talk to people instead of screwing them. It might just make you a better person come the following week. You waste so much precious time attempting revenge when a good, solid talking-to might make those who crossed you feel sufficiently guilty and there’s little to no nasty clean up.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Since Sag was out trying every other sign’s patience last week, the Universe is bringing the same lesson home to you! Scorpio’s influence in the early part of the week has again provided with the sort of chaotic disruption you love. Double sided tape on the company’s toilet seats or something. Maybe you didn’t do it, but you knew about it but totally forgot about it when you snuck away to finish that last part in Harry Potter. Now, you’re stuck and like a good Sag, will loathe asking anyone for help. Whatever you’ve gotten yourself into, getting out will take awhile. Be patient with extrication or you’ll hurt yourself.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The Leo/Scorpio followed by the Leo/Sag energy is going to drill to the center of Capricorn’s psyche. Preen and brood, preen and get noticed. Not getting noticed enough? Repeat cycle obsessively and freak out as much as possible when desired effect is not achieved. All too comfortable in this alignment are the Goat friends. Capricorn, use this period of insanity to your best advantage. It’s a perfect opportunity for a rebound romp. However, be careful that you’re using said romp with the aim of getting over a certain someone, not making any certain someone desperately jealous. If someone has raging regrets for losing you, they’re most likely not going to blog explicitly about it. Sure, they may be torn up inside, but they’re also getting over you by getting under someone else!

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Hmm…this week’s readings seem to have the same theme of chaotic rebounds all throughout. My suspicion, Aquarius, is that you’re the one mending all the hearts with sweet kisses and spanks. We are all thankful. And probably because you’re the only sign not completely thrown by Venus’s Retrograde, you’ve become even more devastatingly attractive to the rest of the nuts. You’ll be pleasantly surprised to open a connection with someone new and fascinating during your week’s adventures. While the rest of us are watching carefully patched connections shatter, you’re sipping dirty martinis with your new best friend. That rocks and we’re jealous. Do it where we can’t see it, please.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Unfortunately, Pisces will be feeling the brunt of Venus’s vanishing act this week. Pisces likes to play possum when the shit goes down, but that act simply isn’t going to work this week, kiddo. Cranky old cosmic toilet got backed up with crap you should have flushed away a long time ago, and when it started leaking through your symbolic ceiling—you thought about calling the great plumber in the sky, but what’s the point? asks mopey Pisces. What’s the point in trying anything if it all falls apart? Welcome to life, Pisces. Call the plumber.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Exactly HOW much Leo?

Umm…how much Leo do we really need?

We’ve got the sun in Leo. We’ve got the moon in Leo. Mercury is hanging out in Leo. Venus (still in cursed Retrograde, the cretin…) in Leo. Now, while having a bunch of sexy beasts gallivanting through the cosmos is normally Sister Mary’s idea of a fantastic weekend, these next few days are going to be nutty.

Sun and Moon in Leo: everyone will need lots of attention. Including you! While you’re shaking your rhythm less booty down the street, make sure you flatter total strangers. You’ll find that it’s desperately important that you go out looking far sexier than all of your friends when you go out. In order to keep them from pushing you onto the subway tracks when you’re not looking, make sure you flatter the hell out of them, so they don’t know that, you’re actually the sexiest kitten in the litter.

Wait, it gets better….

Mercury in Leo: The communication planet in the bombastic leadership sign? Crap. Suddenly, people need to reaffirm their quasi-authority. Your boss is seriously going to come down on you for your frivolous Facebook hours. And she’s not going to be nice about it, either. Are you the boss? Watch how you come down on the plebians. Your chances of being a condescending asshole greatly increase in this Leo/Leo/Leo alignment.

Hold on. I got more….

Venus in Leo, too??? Normally, when that pretty love planet is hanging out with Leo, all you kids are going to get laid, a lot, and it’s going to be fiery and feisty with all kindza cute cuddles at the end. Leos love that stuff. But this week, Venus is continuing her back-away/back-away dance through Leo, which means you and your multiple partners are likely to experience extreme bouts of “Do I look like a cow in this?” Any signs of distraction in our partners will make us paranoid that they’re boinking every neighbor in the building and blogging about how much better in the sack they are.

Oh, dear. It’s going to be a crazy week. But when isn’t it, really? We all need to sit in circles and do the shoulder rub of the person in front of us thing. It’s an ego stroking, week, kids. Keep it in mind when you’re out there looking for someone to stroke yours.

Welcome to the week of August 12-18! You’re not so bad, yourself!!!

Aries (March 21-April 19)
While Aries is known for its leadership qualities, Aries is not as vocal as Leo. Aries sits in the back of the Holy Conference room, arms folded, shaking their head at the dumbass droning on in the front. Aries knows better and will do better. Just wait. This week, though, unexpected events will prevent Aries from fixing all the screw-ups around them. Let’s hope that whatever prevents Aries from sabotaging their co-worker’s inane plans have more to do with head colds than bridge or subway calamities. Aries, please give yourself a day or two to let the bleeding stop before you go running back into the chaos. That way, you won’t pass out.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus is probably the one crawling up Aries’s ram this week. Increased Leo influence is bringing out Taurus’s “My way…MY way…MY WAY!!!” The problem is, Taurus, you get all kinds of ideas and not always a solid plan for how the hell to do that. This week, while you’re word-vomiting your brilliant ideas to everyone you know, prepare yourself to hear, “Nope. Not gonna happen.” This does not mean your friends or co-workers are douches. This only means that it’s simply not your turn to be right. Best course of action would be to go sulk in the corner bar. You’re guaranteed to find lots of other sulkers. Lots of people want to be in charge this week, but there are only so many have the correct zodiac alignment to make that happen.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Gemini is swiftly finding out that no one is paying attention to their circular stories at the party. This doesn’t mean, Gemini, that you are any less interesting than you were last weekend. It means that every other sign is engaged in getting you to listen to their incredibly long-winded stories about doing shrooms in Vermont, too. Good news, Gemini. While you may not be getting all the attention you normally do, you’re going to have a fun week because all the hotties are coming out to play. This means new friends! New lovers! More dramatic enemies to obsess over! You may be the only one in the cosmos who will be thoroughly excited by the excess of Leo influence. Fan those flames of fickle passion, just like the good little bi-polar air sign you are!

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
When everyone starts bickering about who gets to play what BDSM role, they call in Mom to straighten it out. Still reeling from the effects of a very nasty Mercury in Retrograde earlier this summer (Cancer takes awhile to recover from everything), the Zodiac Mommies and Daddies would rather hide out in their bathtubs with the scented candles burning for the next few days. We’ll probably need to get out there and straighten up a few squabbles, but it’s our turn. Everyone else has been extremely patient with us. For losses that Cancerians have experienced this summer, it’s time to stop lamenting and time to start updating the Match.com profiles—if it was that kind of loss. The Universe keeps saying opportunity is provided in a loss. It better mean it.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Well, Leo. All the critters in the Universe are starting to get a good idea of what it’s like to be you, all the time. Looks as though you and Aries will be trapped in the same elevator this week. Some crazy event is going to prevent you from doing all the cool shit you had planned this week. Don’t panic and don’t take it out on Aries. They will punch you in the nose. Some kind of lesson didn’t get through to you the first hundred times The Great Universal Teacher sent your way. This time, they’re wrapping you up in saran wrap until you figure it out. Before you panic and start tearing up the couch, get a grip and know that things are going to be better after you get out of the elevator, or whatever GUT has in store for you.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
All right, Virgo. With a plethora of egos colliding skull-first all around, you’re going to be called, again, to play Constructive Communication Guy or Girl. This time, it looks like Cancer’s going to be on your side, so try communicating with those whiney bitches, too. They might be helpful. You’re going to have to do your un-favorite thing and put down the instruction manual. Old tricks, again, aren’t going to cut it this time around. Be brutally honest with all the freaks, but don’t outright tell them that they’re freaks. Know when to get out, or wear a helmet. Actually, I recommend the helmet, anyway. It’s going to be a wild week.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libra will need to make peace with Taurus this week. They’re not always an ideal pair, but they will be the only ones who understand one another. Libra requires a good smack of attention on a daily business, and isn’t always so good at doling it out. While we’re all possessed by Leo, Libra will find their secret compulsive natures taking over and the house will be meticulously neat, the DVD’s chronologically ordered by birth of the director. And no one will notice. Libra, instead of investing your frustrations in your pad, try investing a little more love in your friends and lovers this week. Your need for balance will be satiated by trying to balance out the pod people who have taken over everyone you know. Run away when they get truly crazy.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Ah, Scorpion Ruler. You shall enjoy this time of frenzy, taking it in stride to sit in the back and scribble in your notebook about it. Now is indeed the good time to sequester yourself from the rabble. It simply won’t be possible for you to supply the compassion your Leo-frenzied friends will need at this time. You’re likely to say, “Yes, you do look like a cow in said outfit.” Of course it’s true, but they don’t need to hear it. Take this time to hole up in your apartment and actually read those volumes of Crowley that impress the guests so much. Cancers wish we could be right there with you, believe it or not. Be glad it’s not your turn to draw the battle lines.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Hey, Sag doesn’t have a clue as to why people are so rattle. As usual, Sag is having him or herself a friggin’ blast and thinks everyone else needs to get over themselves. Don’t think you’re not exempt from the crazy. Seems as though all the fire signs are dealing with a disruption. Hell, you probably caused it, just to watch Aries and Leo freak out a little. Bad Sag. But maybe shooting your flaming darts into the heads of the freaks and nuts was exactly what they needed. Now, get the hell out. You’ve caused enough trouble.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
It must have been a Capricorn who designed the “It’s All About Me,” shirt. First of all, they have extremely aesthetically pleasing lines on most who wear them, of course. Second, it’s a Capricorn creed they like to deny. However, the MeMeMe influence of the quadruple Leo will make it impossible for Capricorns to get away with saying, “But it’s not about me…” Don’t waste your energy, baby. We’re all feeling the same way, so no guilt is necessary. Now, be particularly careful who you hassle this week for attention. Leo-influence will make people doubly sensitive and because you can be a little harsh, make sure you’re not harsh on anyone whose presence you’d like to keep.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
It’s doubtful that this self-centered time will affect our Aquarians very much. They rarely pay attention to anyone, so they’re not too concerned if anyone is actually paying attention to them. The strange little voices in the Water Bearers’ heads do quite nicely. Your best move, Aquarius, is to keep your place in the center of everyone else’s hurricane. It’s quiet there, but since they can see you, your friends won’t think you’re avoiding them. Careful with the unneeded distractions. While everyone is out causing their own chaos, don’t short-sheet any beds. Of course, it would be HILARIOUS, but they’re bound to take it too personally and cry when they get under the covers. You’d feel badly if that happened.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Having finally washed their hands of all the B.S. that wasn’t their own, Pisces has quietly admitted that they, too, would like a little tender and loving care. Pisces, if this is true for you, you’re going to need to speak up about it. Everyone around you is far too self-centered right now to notice that you’re pouting on a chair in the corner. Raise your pretty little fin and say, “Over here! Over here! Someone love me, damnit!” Being full of Leo, we’re going to want to love and will have plenty to share. This next period is going to be a quiet and rather lonely time for Pisces. As much as you run to solitude, we all know you don’t like it. Be sure to get our attention when you need it.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Venus....COME BACK!!!!

Venus is in retrograde? What?!!! The planet of love slowly moving away from our pretty little war-pit? Venus, you vixen. You whore. You harlot of everything we adore (romance, sex, fine chocolate and pretty things with glitter on them)…how can you leave us alone down here with our insecurities and debt issues? This week on AstrologyExplained…

Sorry. Interrupting this horrorscope to plug another Sister Mary appearance.

Pseudoscience: A therapeutic summer art lab
Saturday, August 11, 2007 6-9pm
236 Grand Street
Brooklyn, NY 11211
hqbrooklyn.com
718 418 7182

Join Sister Mary, Eh Team, Cassie Thornton, Egnekn, Minister of Lamination, Meg Duguid, Catie Olson and curator Alison Beth Levy for science-bent interactive art installations and performances whose hypotheses are infused with levity. Egnekn, Minister of Lamination, will be performing metaphysical sound ritual with flat objects brought to him by the public. (Get creative, kids!!!) Canadian HQ founders, the Eh Team, will collaborate with "Against Maps" artist Cassie Thornton to create a sprawling hydraulic installation called The Backyard Purification System (BPS). Mimicking a natural water table the BPS will process and regenerate tap water to support an isolated biosphere. Hot from their recent weekend performance at Central Park, where they tested the humorous properties of meringue, duo Meg Duguid and Catie Olson will perform Piograms, a single pie-component balancing act.

Bring flat objects to be laminated, if you’d like. There will also be a sprinkler for gallivanting about (prime timing for those of us without a.c.) along with munchies, $2 beers and PIE THROWING!!! Come on. When was the last time you threw a good pie?

Thank you for your patience! This week on AstrologyExplained…

Our love planet is moving far, far away from us this week, kittens. Well, that’s actually not true. Venus is following its own cosmic path around the sun just like it has for several million years, but because of where Earth is choo-chooing right now, it looks like Venus is backing away, slowly. And since it is all about appearances in the long run, it’s still going to affect us. Just as it has since the cave days.

Don’t be alarmed. Getting rabid Venus out of the way for a couple of months means we’re less likely to hump someone or something we’d later regret. Maybe it’s the bloody August heat melting the paint right off our faces, but the things we normally find attractive just aren’t going to do it for us. Now is not the time to pursue orgies, explore polyamory or get any boob jobs. Sexually and cosmetically speaking, we’re all going to be a feel a little more dull and drab than usual.

Yes, it’s time for us to Focus On What’s Important To Us. Oh, and here’s the clincher. Moon in Virgo!!! Super-charged over-analyze time. Yup. Expect to find yourself contemplating your role in relationship to the Universe instead of your role in BDSM-D&D. You’ll read and you’ll write.

Enjoy this nerd-ish time, my darlings! No way to avoid it. Don’t worry, Venus is making her glorious return just in time for the Halloween party season which means you’ll be getting your delicious freak on with all kinds of ghosts and ghoulies for the rest of the year.

(Astrologer note: I highly encourage everyone to prove me wrong on what I’ve just written. Please, please PLEASE prove Sister Mary wrong, wrong, WRONG…)

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries has painstakingly spent all kinds of cash on dating sites, on wooing with boxes of fine wine and buying all kinds of home-decor crap for their significant other for the past few months. However, Venus’s departure made that all go away. Suddenly, no lovers are returning their phone calls. Significant others are suffering from week-long headaches. Even booty-call exes are saying they need space. Aries is approaching Shut The World Out mode, which takes a cosmic crowbar to reopen. While you’re blocking us out, take this time to get caught up on that wizard-boy book series before some Gemini blabs out the ending. Or better yet, write a letter to yourself detailing all the ways you’re wonderful and why your suddenly flaky romantic interests don’t quite deserve you. Find some nurturing Cancer to affirm it. We like to do that.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
One Taurus in the Convent of Sensual Salvation requested a horrorscope reading, “Taurus gets a hot date.” First of all, silly Taurus, the Cosmic spectrum is not a restaurant. You’ll read what you’re forecast. Second, your ruling planet is running away from you as fast as it can. So will anyone who recently stabbed your heart with a flaming dart. If you’re involved with someone, expect that they’re suddenly going to go wishy-washy on you. If you’re single and hunting, expect that even in your Taurus finery (you kids sure do clean up well), your normal bar lines will fall flat. Don’t stomp your hooves at me. This Retrograde is going to be good for you. Your departed planet is taking with it love and relationship blocks that have actually been holding you back from a fairy-tale ending. Use these next couple of weeks to get some headway on your schoolwork or job. When Venus returns in October, she’ll likely bring some fresh blood to your romance pool. You might want to have that extra cash lined up for it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Sister Mary came across a lovely Gemini lady who lamented, “Are all Geminis destined to be alone?” The answer from the cauldron read, “For a sexy lady like you? No way!!!” Truthfully, many Geminis waste a lot of spastic energy looking for their missing twin. Even Geminis in healthy romantic couplings often look elsewhere for “The One”—not considering that “The One” might be an illusion. Particularly in this orgy-less time of Venus in Retrograde, Gemini is encouraged to make a list of all the blessings they have, and go burn the list of things they think they should have. Gemini, if it’s not sitting there on your kitchen counter staring at you, it may not exist. Well, if something is staring at you from your kitchen counter, you probably need to throw it out. But don’t go looking for stuff to replace it. That “missing twin” is already in you. You really want to make it a triplet?

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Ugh. Cancers feeling the Venus pull-out is also pulling out the yuckiest of Cancerian insecurities. Are we nice people? Really? You really don’t think we’re giant ass-holes? Nah, you’re just saying that…Fellow Cancers, have you noticed how our friends are changing the subject when we start going into our self-discussing feedback loop? It’s getting old, but they’re too nice to say anything. Sometimes, when Cancers feel low, we make impulsive decisions such as repainting the whole apartment, buying tickets to Ireland, or eloping. Let’s try not to do that, this week especially. Lack of Venus means aesthetic decisions will look crappy come fall. Plane tickets=credit card debt. Eloping with someone we’ve just met is likely to mean divorce, not “A Wedding Story” special. Start by discussing something else—anything­ else—with your friends than “Why I, Cancer, Sucks As A Human Being.” Talk about the weather, go see a movie. Something brainless, with no romance at all. We’re not in a place to handle that, right now.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Ah, Leo was hoping for a good birthday lay and for many of youse, it probably came true! Wait, then Venus took off. Bitch. Many Leos are finding themselves weepy and heartbroken this week. Excuse me, have you read the other readings this week? Don’t you see that romance is pretty much sucky for all of us? Any departures Leo has recently experienced were all part of the Cosmic timing. Leos, with their delightful penchant for staying in the moment might do themselves some good by borrowing from Libra the trait of looking far, far ahead of them. Learn something from Scorpio (don’t tell anyone I said that) and replay the past a few times in your fevered brain. Notice how even the lousiest of times were temporary? Sometimes long-term temporary, but nothing is permanent? You’re still the sexiest beast in the Zodiac. Yes, yes you are and no one is going to take that away from you. Now, come out from under the couch.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Oh, pensive Virgin…lead us in your analytical ways. The Venus departure has confused us all to no end and the moon being with you means you must know something we don’t. Oh, wait. You’re Virgo and probably aren’t even reading this. (Grounded Virgo prefers sciencemag.org) In the event that you are, I have good news for once. Virgos are best equipped to deal with the absence of Venus in the coming weeks. They’ve been stewing their What Is Best For Me thoughts for the past several months, anyway and have a giant light bulb about to go off over their heads. Lead us in your glowing light. Shower us with practical advice and lift us up from our floor of delusions. Come on, Virgo. We’ve been shaking up your buttoned-up world for months now. Show us how it’s done and we’ll rock you hard when the Retrograde passes.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Oy. A Libra devoid of Romance is like a (insert your own vision of a cracked out, spent and stung lady shaving cats on the side of the freeway.). Despite your track record of needing rainbow-colored ponies to pull you along in the carriage of life, Libras will survive Venus in Retrograde surprisingly well. In relationships and courtships, Libra is being uncharacteristically patient. They’re reflecting on all the times they pushed things along too fast and how icky the mess was when it all exploded. Keep with this trend, Libra. In a few weeks you’re going to start to want to up the number of phone calls you receive and start to crave dozens of thorn-less roses left on your pillow. Don’t. Remain focused and you’ll remain balanced. None of us want to fix your scales again this year. You’ve filled your Help Me quota.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Normally, the dark lords and ladies of destruction adore chaos and while the rest of us scramble around trying to put things in order, Scorpios cackles from their towers. We mortals no nothing of the ways of powerful Scorpio…heathen fools we are! Except in matters of the heart. Scorpio doesn’t like their love lives outside of their grasps. But Venus’s vanishing has stuck a big ol’ disruption in the heart realms of Scorpio, and they’re wimpering more than bellowing laughter these days. And while it’s great fun to tell Scorpio that indeed the Universe is conspiring to get them, it’s actually not true this time. Whatever was abruptly torn out of Scorpio’s life is going to help them in the long run. The disruption will provide new clarity and eventually, a romantic situation better suited for you—either a new person or a new change in the dynamic with the person they’re currently possessing. Take heart and turn off the goddamn Radio Head.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Something blew past our favorite fire sign this week. Oh Sag, you had all the signs coming, but you were too busy shaking it up in the pool hall to recognize that something was about to leave your romantic realm. If Venus didn’t take your favorite person, they took your favorite bedroom game. Partner’s not into it anymore and that makes you sad. Whatever left you, Sag, has left you feeling uncommonly cold and all too familiarly confused. This Retrograde will be a quiet time for you, and there really isn’t anything you can do to change it. You won’t even have the energy to practical joke someone to lighten your mood. Do some good porch or fire escape contemplation. This could likely be the only time this year you have the want or ability to be calm. Enjoy it. This fall is going to be WILD for you, again….

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Actually, Capricorn is the only sign this week being encouraged to focus and fix romantic ties! Are you the one that broke all the hearts in the Zodiac this week? Bad Cappy. However, this doesn’t mean that you should try to hook up with anyone during this Retrograde. Doing so is likely to only produce frustration, you’re not exempt from that. But Capricorn has struggled this year in determining what’s best for their fussy tastes in matters of the heart. During this time, make a list of all the ways you could be a better partner. Grit your teeth and also make a list of things you actually don’t need from another person but only think they do. Need ideas? Call Gemini, they’re doing a similar thing. It’s to hot to wear clothes, let alone buy them, so avoid that nasty distraction. Save your cash for Venus’s return, so you can be the sexiest bedazzled-baby at the Halloween parade.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Another sister in the Convent of Sensual Salvation noted that many Aquarians are suddenly into becoming physically healthy! They’re quitting smoking! They’re eating vegan! They’re leaving polluted cities on the East Coast for…polluted cities in the Midwest? “What’s up with that?” our sister asked. If it’s attributed to the Venus in Retrograde (as all things this week are) it’s because you kids are taking the droll period to clean up your livers and systems after a year’s worth of misuse. Stick with your blue berries, your grilled salmon and your beets. The lack of distractions will finally enable you to make your bodies healthy again, and hopefully, your minds and spirits, too. That way, you’ll have lots of antibodies to handle all the toxins you plan to replace in the fall when Venus comes back to play.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Pisces is angry that Venus left. Of course, being a good Pisces, they don’t show it—they mope it. Retrograde does not mean defeat, water-friend. It also does not mean love is an illusion. If love has left Pisces in recent days, they’re wont to assume it will never return and will start closing in the walls on their fish bowl. Not a bad plan, until stewing in their own misery makes this fish bowl a toxic environment. When holing yourself away, you need to cleanse your energies at least every two days. That sounds New-Agey and dumb. What it means is that it’s okay to get all pissy about something crappy that happened, but then you need to let it go. Keep going through the layers of “That sucked,” and respond to it with, “Oh, well. It’s done.” When you get to the last one, call your therapist. You might need some temporary drugs for it.