Monday, February 26, 2007

Happy Birthday, Pisces!!!

Ah, the little fishy friends of the Universe. It’s time for you to shine! I had this great idea this morning for this week’s blog: Since we’re moving over into the realm of Pisces, I should start out by talking about them a little more indepth, right? Okay, so I didn’t do if for Capricorn or Aquarius. Capricorn won’t mind, they’re still too irritated with me for something else I did—but won’t tell me, waiting me to figure it out for myself—and Aquarius has already forgotten that they had a birthday last month. Wait a year, kids! I’ll be so famous you won’t know what to do with me by then, and I’ll talk ALL ABOUT YOU AGAIN!!!

Pisces: water sign, ruled by the Planet Neptune, planet which is named after the Ocean god. (check.). They are symbolized by water-loving mammals and fish, usually marked by two fishes looking in opposite directions. Green flowers are good for them. Your Pisces friends are likely to be a little more on the quiet side, but definitely not wallflowers. They’re quietly drawing attention from those around them with witty chatter, usually sprinkled with a little self-deprecation. You’ll probably find that they’re spending more time listening to the crazy things you say than trying to impress you with their own crazy adventures. Don’t get too caught up in talking about yourself to a Pisces. Get them to tell their stories. Pisces are subject to crazy adventures, and usually have a delightfully checkered past you’re going to DIE when you hear about them. So shut up and listen, baby faces. Fish talk is good talk.

Our fish friends can go one of two ways, and often take each of these paths at some point in their lives:

They are healers and creators, often becoming writers and/or musicians. If you end up with a Pisces kid, piano lessons will not be a waste of time and money. Pisces are funny because they don’t become openly ecstatic about their passions—you’ll find the paint on their masterpiece leaking out under their bedroom door before they tell you they bought brushes. As lovers, they tend to love only person at a time. Even if they want to run around and do the nasty with others, (which is behavior not unknown to Pisces) if you’ve got their heart, you can be pretty sure that you have all of it and no one else does, either. They are pretty f*cking fabulous in the sack, as I’ve mentioned. They can be wild and nutzoid, they can be mild and gentle—the point is that they read your body and play what you know you want, without you even having to say it. Nail a Pisces, kids. Seriously.

On the downside (sorry, babies….) Pisces have spiraling times when they may disappear from the person you knew. Prone to addiction, prone to self-inflicted failure and depression, you’ve got to watch them if/when they get like this. There isn’t a whole lot you can do for a Pisces on a downswing, except remove all the sharp objects from the apartment. They can’t be coddled, they can’t be fixed. Just lock them up in their little padded rooms and play some soothing music under the door. They’ll come out eventually and be okay. Pisces do have mean streaks—the healthy ones in the pond keep it in check. Sometimes, they will shut out the world—particularly those they love the most. Don’t take it too terribly personally. I’m not going to say they don’t mean the things they say—they do—just be glad someone is finally being honest with you. And call your Cancer friends to take you out for a drink to make you feel better about yourself. We’re nice like that.

I once had an aquarium and the fish always died. That’s because I could never keep the temperature, acidic/alkaline balance in check. Now, I’ve never killed any fish people, but if you keep close relations with a Pisces, you need to know that they are extremely sensitive to their environments and like aquarium fish, it’s important to keep a balance of not too much stress (inevitable nervous breakdowns) and not too much chill (extreme laziness will take over them). They get colds easily when the weather changes and they don’t take care of themselves very well. You have to give them their vitamins because they forget.

As a whole, because who really wants to end an essay with depressing stuff, your Pisces friend/lover/co-worker is a good one to have in your court. Honest, deep, romantic, imaginative, spiritual, great in bed…..yeah. We love Pisces.

So, to all the Pisces in my life: Patrick, James, Stephanie, Raven, Nadine, Sarah, Teresa and Sue Ball: Happy Fucking Birthday You Watery-Unknowable-Surprising-Loving-Infuriating-Delightful Fiends!!!! I adore you!!!!!

(If I missed you, it’s not because I don’t love you. It’s because I forgot you were a Pisces.)

Xoxo.

It’s the week of February 25-March 3! And we are sooooooo close to being out of Retrograde…..

Aries (March 21-April 19)
“You know when a guy is comfortable enough to take a dump in your bathroom, he’s your boyfriend. He stunk it up? That’s a boyfriend right there.”
Why do I feel like telling you that someone owes you money? Maybe I should say that to all the signs. I hope it’s the IRS—and it’s not me. Aries friends, do I owe you cash (unless you’re Isabell, I KNOW I still owe you for something…..)? Okay, looks as though the Rams finally did something good this week. Maybe someone really does owe you money, and is beginning to pay you back. Yes? I’m crazy? So, something is working for you, yet you’re still shutting down and not talking to people. Why do you do that? You know you can’t keep your emotions inside for long without breaking a blood vessel. You’ve seen a bit of success in your project or relationship—so don’t get pissy that you’re not seeing ALL the success you want to. Try talking to the person(s) involved and calmly, gently figure out a way to push along the process. Call the tax-man and ask him questions—don’t drive your Subaru through his living room.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
“I ripped him so many new assholes, he’s going to find fifty new ways to shit tomorrow…”
(I love my sister.)
Good for you, Taurus. You left the B.S. behind. Taurus people should be more of a Cancerian’s role model because while they do get intricately involved in the B.S., they blow through it and out of there before it tears them up too badly. The bull in the china shop thing? Yeah, don’t lock Taurus people up with breakable things and then piss them off. Taurus, I do have some news for you. Whatever B.S. you left behind is about to start chasing you and will cut you off at the corner. DO. NOT. FREAK. OUT. I command our Tauruses this week to give the B.S. one more chance to explain itself. YOU listen, YOU don’t talk. If it’s still B.S., go ahead and run your horns up their ass again. If not, you may have some growth here and a new path awaits you. (Dear god. I really just said that last part, didn’t I? Freaky bitch, I am.) I mean it, when it comes up. swallow that ego for thirty seconds and then make your move.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
“You’re making me reconsider my Agnosticism”
Uh-oh. Dark days for the Twins ahead. Sorry. I didn’t create it, I’m just saying. Not sure what happened here—whether your boiler blew up or your condom broke, but something is going down in the Gemini realm. Your general impulse is to go fix the problem yourself—even though you’re aware that you usually make it worse when you don't accept help—but this time I see that it’s better that you actually fix it yourself. Here’s the clincher: don’t talk to other people about this issue. Really, you wouldn’t listen to them anyway, so keep the chatter to a minimum and go get the morning-after pill. Be careful not to go beyond what you know you can do alone. Slipped disks and busted knees will eventually require more help from others, so try really, really hard to find the voice of intuition (Yep! It’s in there with all the others rolling around in your heads…) and get help when you need it. TAKE help when you need it, instead of just airing more of your crazy thoughts to everyone around you.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
“I didn’t know that wearing a hat and carrying a guitar means I’m a lesbian.”
Fuck. Why won’t the universe leave us alone? 2007 has so far been the biggest pain in the ass for the majority of the crabby babies. Somewhere in there, we’ve been listening to too many people’s opinions and not trusting our own. Did you know that we give ourselves the best advice we could possible give ourselves? We need to take it, because this week will include some sort of separation and we desperately need to quell our clingy instincts. If we follow whatever is leaving us, we’re only going to make it worse. Submit and be like Buddha—give not a shit. Yes, I realize this is a disrespectfully shallow vision of Buddhism, but if you gave your own readings and saw what I see, you’d be worse and you know it. Cancerian sisters and bros: What we do not chase will inevitably return to us (whether that’s good or not.) That’s all our reading says this week, but it still doesn’t explain why I haven’t been able to stop listening to musicals…..

Leo (July 23-August 22)
“I think it’s awesome that this show gets shittier every time.”
Congratulations! You’ve achieved mild to moderate success on something this week. Now, be a good little lion and growl if anyone comes near it. Someone near you is bound to spill the beans or spill their coffee on your precious achievement. If this is in regards to a relationship matter, get a little more protective over your person—but not TOO much or you’re bound to undo what you fixed. However, you’re not done yet so don’t get lazy. Or impatient. The process of completion takes a long, long time—especially if it’s supposed to come together correctly. Remember the Elmer’s glue days, when you pasted construction paper together? (This was a while ago, like two weeks or something…) You worked really, really hard on your cut and paste project, but you can’t play with it until the glue dries. So leave it alone and go watch a movie. You’ll get to the next step in due time. And keep your moron friends away/out of it.

Virgo (August 23-Sept. 22)
"wow. The IRS is going to get pretty confused when you submit dozens of returns."
Are you being a cranky-pants? Why? I don’t care why, it’s no excuse for being a crank-pants asshole. Watch how you deal with others this week. You’ve had some kind of crazy revelation or realization and you being the one who finds it difficult to explain your brain to others is going to be kind of freaked out by everything this week. No, they don’t see what you’re seeing and that’s not going to change. No, they won’t get your point of view. Go create a spreadsheet or something and bond with your computer. You’re more likely to get empathy from a machine than a human being this week. That doesn’t mean we don’t love you! It just means that none of us will understand you—at all—this week. So be nice. We can’t help that.

Libra (Sept. 23-Aug. 22)
"I just want to scream at the f***ing TV: Respect the dead!!!"
Whoa, whoa, WHOA, YOU NUT!!! Oh my god you need to give your partner some mother-f*cking SPACE. This does not mean you float away into planet Nano. Breathing room is healthy. If you’re single, we know you’re trying your damnest NOT to be single because Libras don’t like the single thing. Take a break from sleeping in your beloved’s rhododendron bush. Maybe go annoy the best friend you’ve been ignoring while perusing said lover. They missed you. And when you do that, your beloved will miss you, too! And that will lead to growth. Think about this one, although I somehow suspect my advice will be ignored and we’ll be reviewing your court case next week. That’s okay. Looks as though we’re only going to end up with one or two signs in the pen this week.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
"There are complaints choirs in other cities, too."
You also need to watch your natural inclination to fold into your partnerships. Romantic, platonic, business or BDSM—I’m sensing that you are smothering someone. Give it some room to breathe or the person might suffocate and if they call me on the witness stand in your murder trial, I’m going to tell them you did it on purpose. On another front, (because your life will always be fraught with drama) some other people are using you, but as YOUR usual, you know this and are manipulating those who think they are manipulating you. Is this really the right thing to do? I’m not here to preach to you, but I am here to tell you to quiet your natural impulses for a second and think about what constitutes right action. Because you may end up trying to trick someone who’s really smart and they’ll screw you over. Don’t forget: Mercury is in Retrograde and all plans are subject to fucking.

Sag (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
"Okay, I would personally like to burn your horoscope into tiny ashes and scatter them to the 4 winds of the world."
Wow! Someone whose reading doesn’t completely suck! There’s one in every week. That’s why I’m keeping your reading short because everyone is already jealous. You’re going to make some kind of money or reap some kind of monetary reward. Good Sag! You deserve it. Now, buy me dinner because I deserve it, too. Additional opportunity is coming your way, but the rewards from that one are going to take awhile. I strongly encourage you to take me to dinner, but then you need to be careful with the rest of your money for awhile. You’re not going to see that next check for a few more readings, but I’m lots of fun and have a healthy appetite now.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
“I’m a gay man in a woman’s body. I love musical theater. I have style. I have sex with men.”
Uh-oh. You’re sad and/or pissed. This has something to do with cash. If Sag took it, forget about getting it back right now because they’re taking me to dinner. You need to be nice right now. Yes, the person who pissed you off was probably wrong (because Capricorns are never, ever wrong after all…), but you need to be very careful how you handle this situation if you place any sort of value on the relationship. You are more likely to sustain a break-up or a friend-firing than a simple clearing of the air. If this is your intention, by all means go for it, because it’s not going to get any easier when the full moon hits this weekend. If it’s Jen-Best-Friend from the glory days of crayons and diapers, you’re going to need to dust off that Pixie stick and do some blowing of the fairy dust up the ass. Just until the weekend, and then you can get the problems solved. Measure for measure. (Don’t know why I just put that in.)

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
“I’m like my grandmother when it comes to using MySpace.”
You poor little thing. You had such a bumpy couple of weeks. The good news is that the bad times disappear this week. You’ll be back to your old self and want to wander the globe, but this is a bad idea because the lives of everyone you care about are about to fray. When they call you and say their apartment is flooded, your response should not be, “Oh. Hey, wanna go to the movies?” It should be, “Oh. Hey, need a place to stay?” Do you know what will happen? Your friend will cook for you! I hope this isn’t me, because I don’t want my apartment flooded (I’ll cook for you anyway). Seriously. Stay put. Don’t go on any long trips. And you need to meditate. You haven’t done that in awhile and it’s bound to catch up to you.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20)
"You're cool and unusual BECAUSE you wear a helmet and ride the short bus."
What a good little fishy! You spent the week clearing your obstructions, just like you were supposed to! Gold star. However, you’re still dealing with crap and that sucks but eventually, that will change. And I know, it’s depressing you because Pisces aren’t as fond of their birthdays as say, Taurus and Capricorn. You’re not getting older, you’re getting sexier. I promise. No really, I promise. Mantra for the week: Pain brings us strength. You’re going to have to deal with it and push through it. Hasty action will make things worse. So will cutting off the limb that’s bothering you. Wait it out and get physical therapy if you need to. It will go away. Now, if your DOCTOR (and only your doctor) is telling you that you need surgery, don’t wait on that. You guys are really, really bad about seeking medical treatment for your ailments.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Better late than bite me.

Horrorscopes Continued…..

Well, this week was supposed to be about elementals—but my mom was in town this weekend. We painted my living room. Now, I have a cold. I ran around too much last week and even more this weekend. I’m going to do your forecasts, but no fancy-pants terminology explanations. By the way, I still don’t have internet. And the e-newsletter I publish went out in triplicate. My friend’s mom wrecked her car. How many more days until the Retrograde passes? Anyone know? I sure as hell don’t. How the hell is a modern astrologer supposed to know anything without the Net? Too many city lights to see the stars, like in olden times…..

(Aren’t I a ham? This week, I included direct quotes from all twelve zodiac signs!!!)

It is the Dawning of the Age of February 18-24!!!

Aries (Mar. 21-April 19)
“I’d say something, but I’ll get yelled at…okay, I’d say something, but I’d start yelling…”
Whether it’s Mercury in Retrograde dragging at your hoofs, or the vain feeling that you were the ONLY person in the zodiac without a Valentine this year—something is seriously bugging our Ram friend this week. For once, you’re not yelling about it. You’re sad and mopey, which is seriously freaking me out. Seriously, Aries. Do you really think a nasty period of time is going to last forever? No, no it doesn’t. Go get a manicure or a waxing. Make yourself feel pretty—or handsome—for a change. Yuck goes away, but often needs a kick in the dupa. Do it. I’d go with you to the spa, but I’m on short-change this week. Again.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
“So, when do you plan on writing something that you don’t give away for free?”
Face it, Taurus. You can’t do anything about what you can’t do anything about. See, there are these unfortunate times in the strange world of “human life events” that require us to sit on our asses and watch while everything we want or worked for dwindles away. I do hope this was something minor—not a house or small business or fragile empire or something. You’re no good at taking advice anyway, so don’t bother anybody with “why, how, but when’s?” Nobody can help you now. Just leave everything alone, and it will come home, with lots of new plans behind it. Good time for reorganizing your sock drawer. You can reorganize mine too, if you want.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
“Can I have two votes? I’m voting twice. That’s okay, right?”
Stop talking. Seriously. I want each and every one of you to shut up. We went over this a few weeks ago, but just like your eleven siblings, you didn’t listen. Do you know what happens when you don’t listen? You miss taking advantage of the moment. Whether that’s a job opportunity, a housing option, a date with someone supremely hot—you’re going to miss it because you keep blathering. And when you miss your opportunity, your Smart-Ass Astrologer will make fun of you. Stop, look around, listen. But use contemplation when choosing an option. Don’t just decide to get the deciding over with. Does this make any sense to you? Hope so. Your reading sure confuses the hell out of me.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
“I’m so nervous I can’t eat I can’t sleep and I can’t stop smoking. Oh my god.”
One of the biggest problems we Cancerians have, is that even long after the trial is completed—we still need only a half a glass of wine to get us to regurgitate the closing statements. Again. First, a wound needs to release pus—but then, the wound needs to heal. That’s gross, I know, but that’s what I pulled from a recent meditation. Basically, it means, at what point are we suffering over our suffering? Come on, Cancers. Admit it. We love melodrama. Did you know that as much fun as melodrama can be—letting go of it actually makes us happier individuals???? Highly theoretical, I know, but I’ve been there and during the moments that I’m actually able to let go of things that happened like, seven years ago—I’m so much more fun to be around! Let’s all try it this week and get together for a potluck-sharing exercise next Sunday. We can have it at my house and look at my new painted living room. Come on! It’ll be a blast. I promise.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
“Can I just say that I HEART you???? Please don’t snort folgers.”
Something looks completed in your den, Leo. That’s a good thing. Tired of doing readings about change and decisions. Now it’s time to rest. Leave everything alone for just a bit. Enjoy this pretty, happy, golden time. Being Leos, you tend to enjoy this kind of stuff more than most signs—most of whom start trying to cause drama because we get nervous without it. Just don’t be dismayed when the clouds roll in again. That’s normal. On the flip side—there may be those of you who completed something and feel fully defeated and yucky. The only solution I can offer is to a.) watch a funny movie b.) drink heavily or c.) do both and your make-out buddy, too. (I suggest option c.) That too, will pass. The good and the bad. I need Sudafed.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22)
“Next week, could you be sure to put the dates next to all the signs so we all know exactly who you’re talking about?”
Signals. Journey, communication, reunion. Someone is trying to tell you something and/or you’ve got a big announcement on the way. Hope you didn’t get/get anyone knocked up—unless that was your plan, of course…Listen to people you wouldn’t ordinarily listen to. Even morons have sound advice once in awhile. Looks like a moron near you may fulfill their yearly quota! My flying monkeys say that this piece of info will either start you on a new path or bring you some sort of reunion. Can’t tell whether this is icky or fab. Do blog about it so we can get all the juicy deets….

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct 22)
“I like being quoted.”
Okay. You’re going to hate this one—and I don’t want you blaming me. Again. If you’ve been enjoying bunnies and sunshine, that’s about to change. If you’ve had a lot of stormy yuck, it’s about to get worse. The good news is that then, it’s going to get better. But first, you’ll have to go through blank-time. Television time. Sweatpants time. If you get laid off, give it a few days before sprucing the resume. If you break up with someone, give it at least a week with the ice cream before you hit Match. You’re going to need a break before you rev up again—so do it. And don’t blame me if this comes true. I didn’t make this shite up—I just wrote it.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-November 21)
“Why you gotta go and hate on us?...Yeah, so what if it's true?”
(How much paranoia can one Cancerian create?) As much as you like to throw them, we all know how much you hate to get mixed signals—and unfortunately for the Scorpions of the crew, EVERYONE is throwing them at you this week—and not just me. No, we’re not all out to get you, it’s only going to feel that way. Ignore us and retreat to your fortress. Don’t plan any kind of retaliation because all attacks are self-imagined. The truth is that everyone around you is even far more confused than you on one of your days. Just go put on some mopey music and paint something with lots of black and purple. Eventually, everyone will start calling again just to say that they love you, and you can go back to returning their affections in that intoxicatingly convoluted way that you have. Yes, I said it. I called you intoxicating. Get over it and go back to work. Your boss is coming up behind you.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Okay, first of all—let me say that I love you. Second, let me say that you are a BITCH.”
Sag, one of the reasons you are so fabulous is that you dive-bomb skull-first into everything. Even though it means the rest of us are going to have to clean up all the messes you are bound to make, we still love your enthusiasm—even when we’re rolling our eyes and wishing your death for getting us into ANOTHER mess. This week, it looks as though you’re not only diving headfirst into something, you’re creating some kind of molecular fusion with whatever project you’re into between now and Sunday. Don’t do that. Try to keep to shattering things and not melding with them. It will take the whole zodiac to get you out and I have plans next weekend. There’s a note here about fertility, so watch your condoms and birth control. If you’re finally starting to see some progress on a project, go ahead and throw a big ol’ party to celebrate, but don’t forget that it’s not over yet. Things take a long time to ferment. Ask the grapes in my glass of wine.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You forgot Capricorn? Big mistake. BIG.”
Things are not going to go according to plan and this is really going to piss you off. I’m blaming the retrograde and you can’t convince me otherwise. My suggestion is that when your super-duper plan A doesn’t work, avoid doing your Capricorn thing: thinking of a 1,000 reasons why every other solution won’t work either. Nothing is perfect--GoatBoat. Why do you think they invented erasers? Do not attempt to go where you have not yet begun. Your poor mind is skipping three thousand light years ahead and the rest of us are dawdling around here wondering what the hell you’re talking about. Capricorn Of the Year Award goes to: My Mom. Because Capricorns have a good eye for everything pretty, my mom came to visit me this weekend (Oregon to NYC, kids. That’s a trek.) and decorated my apartment. That razor-sharp eye of hers can detect when a picture frame is tilting 1/1,000th of an inch to the left or right—no need for the level in my place! And she bought me pillows, a bedspread, a table, a vase, and don’t forget—we painted the living room! Then, she made me wash my sofa covers because they were dirty. She said next time I’d better have them clean before she arrives. Or else.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb. 18)
“I’m not sure I agree with your depiction of us, although I think your depiction of the other signs are mostly accurate...”
Happy Aquarius! Don’t float away in happy happy land! So happy, don’t forget the needs of those around you. They’re talking while you’re floating away. Things take a long time, so to celebrate too much over one little victory is just dumb. You’ve got lots of work yet to do. Because you are who you are, things will change next week and leave you confused again. You’ll know that at one time, things were very pretty and sunny, but once they’re checkboarded again, you forget that it was easy, so therefore, you will once again forget that it’s going to get easy again! I must repeat, because I know you’ve already been distracted by an ad on your co-worker’s computer, do not collapse into your happy-daze. It will be super annoying to your S.O., co-workers, roommates, aquarium fish, etc. You will need to still take out the garbage.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
(Called, I think—but did not leave a message.)
Oh, dear. Something has gone and stalled my fishy-friend again. These pond creatures get so stagnant sometimes. What is it this week? You were so happy last time I checked in with you! Something is clearly not going your way and I am inclined to blame it all on what’s-their-name, and you know who I’m talking about. (I don’t know who I’m talking about—but YOU do…..) Are you putting your wants before needs of others? Are you secretly harboring these wants and not telling anyone—again? Are you waiting for the rest of the world to figure it out, or for the problem to resolve itself? I’ve got news for you, doodle-bug: cut away dead wood. It’s not going to cut itself. Those magazines and comic books were plugging up the exit of your apartment the last time you were stagnant like this, but then you got that new opportunity and lost the will to lose them. However, now that the sparkle has worn off, all that crap is still being annoying. Time to get rid of all the stuff that’s choking your gills, Pisc. Don’t make me tell you again.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Valentine Horrorscopes!!!!!

Mercury in Retrograde was supposed to be a topic on its own time, but I guess that time is now. Boys and girls, who among you knows what Mercury in Retrograde means? I hear my friends Megan and Tony shouting their answers from McKinney, but for the majority of the world who don’t have a friggin’ clue—Mercury is the planet that guides communication, electronics, and movement. When it’s in Retrograde, I’m not entirely sure where its position is located, but it means that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO GO WRONG. This explains why one friend had his debit card numbers jacked, my other friend had all of her bills messed up, why the MTA scrambled every train I tried to ride on Saturday night, why my insurance decided not to cover the prescription it told me earlier was fully blanketed, why I suddenly don’t have Internet and why I’m typing this on a Word document which I’ll have to publish tomorrow at my job. Making my Horrorscopes two days late. I hate this Retrograde. And we still have fifteen days to go….

Kids! If your computer hasn’t crashed yet, go back up your stuff now, because it’s bound to. Check your automatic payments, they probably forgot to leave your bank account—or they had so much fun paying themselves this month, they decided to do it again! I’m cranky. I still don’t have internet. But they’re sending me a new modem.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! Shut up with your grumbling. It’s not even a real holiday. I get why you might get depressed at Christmas, but sorry. A day full of red shiny things, lots of chocolate and men dressed in diapers is a fun day.

Instead of reading your forecasts this week, I’m going to talk about Romance in the Signs. Not only are you going to check yours, you’re going to check your partner’s, your crushes, your secret affairs and your exes—all in one easy to read format!!!

Happy Valentine’s Day, all of you grumbling little sinners! Enjoy your chocolates and not to worry: if you’re single and sad about it for some reason, take heart that someone near you has a partner who is going to ruin the holiday for them. For those of you who have partners bound to ruin the day, just remember that no matter how much it gets ruined for you, some whiney single person envies you, anyway.

Not me. As I type this, Cupid is massaging my fully naked body with coconut oil and feeding me chocolates with his toes…..;)

Aries!
Love me, goddamnit!!!!
Ooh boy. I mentioned once before how my first ex-boyfriend was an Aries. (Still is. Both an Aries, and my ex.) Aries don’t fall in love often, but when they do—it’s going to happen fast and it’s not going to fade easily. Although their relationships tend to be faster and more furious than the other signs, and often fall tremendously apart, they don’t lose the feeling. If an Aries has loved you at one time, I can pretty much guarantee that they still so. Dating an Aries? Take them dancing. Get them hot and ready on the floor, and then get their asses off that floor and into the cab or your car. They’ll start the party there, and it’s only going to get better. A hot date with an Aries will start out public, but get real private, real fast—and last until 3:00 p.m. the next day. If you’ve pleased them, they’ll probably cook pasta for you at 4:00 a.m. in their underwear, just before they take you one last time on the kitchen floor.

Taurus!
Of course you want to love me….don’t you?
I haven’t dated a Taurus yet, but I know quite a few of them. These feisty little beasts are far more romantic than they let on. They don’t ever expect that anyone is aware of the little violins playing in their warm little hearts. They tend to fuse into relationships, while still maintaining their own sense of identity. This fusion is caused by an extreme loyalty and dedication inherent in Taurus kids—and a determination to make everything work, even long after the relationship should have been declared D. O. A. Basically, if you’re poly, don’t date Taurus. They will HATE you. If you are dating a Taurus, watch out that you’re not being an asshole because you’re probably hurting their feelings far more than you’d think. They get a little insecure, so make sure you remind them that they’re pretty damn fabulous. If you’re taking one on a date, they’re likely to tell you that they “don’t really need a present,” and “let’s keep it simple.” Buy them a present. Keep it quiet, intimate, but spend money on them. Trust me, they’ll notice and appreciate it. Think small, intimate Italian restaurant with a menu you can’t read and a $100 bottle of wine. Not Olive Garden. Sure, they’ll say Olive Garden is fine, but I’ll have to hear about you being a cheap-ass later. Just sayin.’

Gemini!
It’s a toss-up. Could go either way! What? Me?
Haven’t dated Gemini either—yet. Here I was thinking I’d gone through all the signs, but I guess not. What I can tell you about Gemini is this: The Bitches Ain’t Boring. You have got to keep surprising these people, don’t ever get into a rut with them. They’ll leave. They’re going to keep surprising you, too—new interests, new friends, new massive road trips in stolen blue school buses. They don’t do well with insecurity, so if you’re of that kind of nature, keep it in check. Gemini likes independence in themselves and their S.O.’s, and don’t plan on having to coddle. Protect, yes. Deep nurture—not so much. Taking out a Gemini for your Valentine’s Day? Go out, go out, go out. Or throw a big party. Get as many people around for them to talk to as possible. Even if it is the date-day of the year, bring home a couple of your friends and let them crash in the bed with the two of you. Sex or no, Gemini will be so happy that the party kept going even into sleepy time. In the morning, you can have a Mad-Hatter Tea Party with all the friends you brought home. Do a little—not too much—swooning infront of everyone. Gemini will like the attention, but don’t cling or smother them. They’re going to want to talk to everyone. Poly-kids, I do direct you to these little delicious twinsy-winsies.

Cancer!
Love me, touch me, do it or I’ll cry.
You haven’t dated a Cancer? What the hell is wrong with you? We’re the best. Yes, we’re rumored to be clingy, insecure, over-bearing, smothering, blah, blah, blah….everyone has their problems. What makes us so awesome is that when you’re loved by a Cancer, you know it. We’re gonna take care of you better than everyone else because we’re quietly paying attention to your wants, and giving you what you need just when you need it—before you even realize that’s what you’re wanting. We take a lot of shit, but when we’re done. We’re done. And we’re not going to give you a lot of warning. “It’s okay, babe…..it’s okay, babe…..it’s okay, babe……FUCK you, it’s over.” And if we say that, don’t waste your time and don’t piss us off by thinking you’ve got another chance. Nope. Yeah, we look like pushovers, but we won’t let real crap fly. I had this thrown in my face recently by a Cancer man whom I’d walked all over for six months and I was pretty shocked when he turned around one day and said, “What’s it going to be, Court? Quit fucking around.” Eek! I felt like a crabby asshole. Oh yeah, and watch it when you call us on our shit. Especially Cancer men. I’ve thoroughly pissed off two Cancer men in the past year by telling them exactly what I thought of their actions. Neither speaks to me anymore. Don’t know if Cancer women are the same, I think we’d like to think we don’t do that. If you’re dating a Cancer, don’t take us anywhere if you really want it to be special. Cook for us. Massage our feet in front of the fireplace. Or radiator, for you New Yorkers. Something quiet. Candles, lavender baths. Throw your cell phone out the window if it rings. We like that kind of stuff.

Leo!
Grrrrrrr…………….
I’ve dated two Leos in my life, and frankly, they set the bar for the rest of all of you goobers. Not only do they rock the bedroom, (I hear certain girls arguing with me, but I’m ignoring you), they like to love. They like to cuddle. They like to say, “Baby, it’s going to be okay,” whether it’s true or not. They remember things about you, but they don’t necessarily like to have you do all those same things for them. They annoy the hell out of Cancers sometimes, because you can’t coddle them—or if you do, you have to sneak up on them in one of their weak, insecure moments and pretend you’re just clipping their toenails, while you’re actually wiping their tears. They pretend to be all big and bad, but they don’t fool anyone. Don’t know why you Kitty-Cats try so hard. If you’re dating a Leo man, let him plan the evening. It could be one of those situations where you have to trick him into thinking it was all his idea. As for Leo women, (I guess…) you’re going to have to pretend the plans were already made and can’t be changed, otherwise she’s going to find a way to maneuver things the way she thinks they should be. And then she won’t be as happy with it. Buy them things, even though they’ll wrinkle their noses—they’re not really into receiving gifts that much. But secretly, they’ll be quite pleased.

Virgo!
What’s she gonna say about me????
Oh, calm down, Virgy. The Virgos I’ve dated are line by line reading this page and sweating blood about what I’m going to say about them—but too nervous about what I’m going to say to actually jump down and just read the damn thing. I’m not even going to begin to analyze the relationships I’ve had with Virgos—they’ve already dissected them down to basic molecular components which they’ve got stored in strange Virgo laboratory in their basements. I pity the Landlords, I really do. A lot of discussion will be involved in your relationships with Virgos. Also, a lot of Scrabble. They’re quite romantic in their own way—you can tell when they’ve genuinely been thinking about you, but if you’re the type to need outlandish forms of romantic expression, move to Scorpio. Virgos are subtle, but sincere. They make good mates, if you don’t set external expectations on them. Taking a Virgo out for Valentine’s Day? I suggest a documentary film, a reading or play where they can sit and analyze for awhile, and let them analyze out loud for awhile at the bar or coffee shop later. You don’t have to shower them with lovey-dovey words, they’ll find serious listening quite romantic. Gifts? Think gadgets or games. But be prepared that you’ll lose your Virgo to the really cool toy you just gave them for like, two days. And although they can be introverted, they make surprisingly wild lovers—if you find the right seams to rip……

Libra!
“Buy me presents. I want presents.”
That’s a direct Libra quote, by the way. No, haven’t dated Libras either. But I’ve been best friends with one for twelve years. These kittens are the biggest fusers in the whole zodiac. If you get hooked up with one, you’ve got a MATE. They are going to bring their all to your relationship and they’re going to find a way, damnit, to make it work. They know that can sometimes lead to co-dependency, but I’ve found that most people don’t want to be co-dependant, but don’t complain so much if a person is co-dependent on them. They will watch you, listen to you, know you, and smack you on the head if you fuck around. Again, Poly people need not apply. Infidelity is a big no-no in Libra Land. On both sides. They give a lot of attention, but they need a lot of attention as well. Just like Taurus, they are also more sensitive than they let on, so when you feel the need to call them on their shit—try and be gentle about it, okay? They are forgiving creatures, though. They like sex, but more than they like sex, they like to be desired. Now. For the important thing. If you want to date a Libra, you’re going to need to get outlandish and ridiculous. I’m talking a dozen roses. And a horse-drawn carriage. And a sunset walk on the beach where you read the corny poem you wrote. Pictures, pictures, pictures. Making them presents is a good way to go, but you need to SHOW YOUR LOVE IN A WAY THAT LIBRA CAN SHOW TO EVERYONE. Seriously. I’m talking Hallmark/Lifetime movie romance. Don’t be cheap and if they say they want something, they’re not fucking around. However, they prefer for you to be the one to plan the horse-drawn champagne sipping tour through the Enchanted Forest.

Scorpio!
We can’t do that, can we????
Good god. My romantic associations with Scorpios are the reason I continuously need to make fun of them. These slimy bastards will sweep you off your silly feet in three words or less. They are sexy, they are romantic. They are the type that climb up the trellis (um…fire escape?) and sneak into your bed—not for sex, just to hold you. Well, maybe for sex, too. But they’re so completely insecure and easy to mess with. Do you find them attractive? Do you find them attractive enough? Who else do you find attractive? Would you ever want to date your ex again? These are very serious questions in the mind of a Scorpio. Now, Poly people. These people are not the ones you necessarily date—they are you. We all know Scorpios have a teensy-weensy-itsy-bitsy problem with keeping their sexual organs to themselves. However, if their partner ever strayed on them—they’d probably find a way to make it look like not a big deal, but secretly plot the death of the extra-lover. They’re naughty that way. They like keeping tabs on their former lovers (Don’t lie. That’s why you read my blog.), and are quite obsessed with knowing what their former lovers are saying about them. I say almost nothing about my former Scorpios….just to annoy them. If you’re wanting to date a Scorpio, male or female, let them take the lead. Scorpios don’t plan their dates, nor are the super-spontaneous with them. A date with a Scorpio just kind of “evolves.” I don’t know how to better explain that. You go over to a Scorpio’s house to borrow a cup of sugar, and six hours later, you find yourself sitting on the bank of a creek in the next state over, sucking that sugar from their thumb and watching the ripples on the water. Damn, Weber. Someone needs to sleep.

Sagittarius!
I’m going to need a drink for that.
Wanna hear about my Valentine’s Day date with a Sag? End of a two-year matchstick war—this was the only guy who ever got me to throw things, only guy I’ve ever screamed at in public. He liked it. Anger=funny. Not every Sag enjoys verbal abuse or the sight of their somewhat-significant-other slamming his/her purse against the side of the movie theater, but they do like that kind of “excitement,” or “passion” or “psychosis.” I wanted this Sag to be my Valentine that year, but I had to trick him (that’s the Scorpio in me). Not, “What are you doing for Valentine’s Day?” but “Wanna hang out and do something on Wednesday?” He showed up at my apartment with a two pound Hershey bar and said something like, “I was supposed to bring chocolate or something, right? Did you know it's Valentine's Day?” Then, we watched Spinal Tap. Deliciously romantic, no? See? If you want to date a Sag, you have to pretend that it’s not a date. They’re not stupid, they’ll know it’s a date, but they won’t freak out if you let them pretend that you’re just pretending to go on a date. Competitive stuff: darts, pool, poker, those are good things to do with a Sag—keep them busy or they’ll get into your medicine cabinet. You might want to let them win, though, especially if they’re not good at the game. Highly recommended course of action. Careful with the flowers and the foofy stuff. Typical Sag will prefer a bottle of bourbon.

Capricorn!
You’re just going to have to go on instinct.
I have never, ever, ever dated a Capricorn. That’s an investment right there. The kids have expensive taste, and they don’t come outright and just tell you what they want you to do for them. Gift-wise, emotion-wise, any of it. Capricorns truly believe that somewhere in your mind is a tattoo-ed list of all of their wants and needs, and if you don’t cater to them, they’re angry. Ever seen a goat get angry? Neither have I, but I hear they kick a lot of things. That sounds about right for your Capricorn. On the upside, they will provide for you and support you—provided you provide and support them, too. They’ve got your wants and needs down, too, but don’t forget the reciprocation. They don’t always thank you outright, but they genuinely appreciate you. (We think.) Yeah, if you’re taking a Capricorn out this Valentine’s Day, might wanna take out a loan, too. Of course, the investment is worth it. Go for quality, not quantity. Such as A diamond instead of a DOZEN roses……

Aquarius!
Where’d they go?
Yeah, these kids aren’t a good match for Cancers. I think I tried to date one in high school. I’m amazed they ever date anyone at all. They’re fun, oh yes, they’re a friggin’ blast and a half. But you’re going to want to stand still when you’re trying to date these cats. Don't chase 'em, don't cage 'em. They’re less likely to have the “Do we want to move in together?” discussion, and more likely to come over to your house one day and never go home. I’m sure Aquarians have married before, but I can’t think of any right now. They’re more likely to shack up for the long-term. Again, lots of fun, but if you need consistent I-love-you-and-will-never-leave-you-ever-ever-ever, I don’t think Aquarius is your match. You’ll have one of your insecure, weepy moments and your Aquarius will look at you with a crinkled brow, and then go climb up on the roof to watch the fireworks. There may not even be fireworks that night—but that’s never really mattered to Aquarius. It’s not to say they’ll never be attentive to your emotional baggage, but they might leave it in the overhead compartment a little longer than the other signs. I highly suggest taking your Aquarius Valentine to an amusement park (if it’s not too cold) or some other place where they can run around for a couple of hours. Parks are good, too. Just open the car door slightly and watch them go, go, go. It’s February, so they’ll want that heated car again soon.

Pisces!
I could go for some of that…..
I dated my first Pisces last year. These kids are hot because they tuuuuuunnnnnnnneeeee into you. Running into a new Pisces, you’re bound to feel as though you’ve met them somewhere before. The hard part with your fishy friends is that they're often up to something. Usually, it's for the good of humanity. Sometimes, they're psychically wishing your death. They're not always apt to tell you what's bothering them--and they don't always want to. They're not going to ask you to talk about your feelings, because they already know what they are. I'm awfully fond of Pisces, if you munchkins can't tell. But as I've said before, they're slippery little things who swim away and hide for awhile, popping out of the plastic plants only when the coast looks clear (or when you're not expecting it.) Like fish, they only survive under specific conditions, so monitor the stress, temperature and acidity of your apartment on a regular basis. You can try to plan a date with your Pisces, but they're going to manuever it whatever way they want it to go. Sure, you planned a cordial coffee date--but they had a trip to the Coney Island Freak Show in mind....and that's where you'll find yourself happily entangled the next morning......

Happy Valentine's Day, Lovely-Hearts!!!!

xoxo

C

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Wait....

Slept too late, went to Target, waited in line for two hours. Train problems, jello wrestling, more train problems, and now I'm too tired to think and my fingers are too cold to type. For all three of you who have been waiting all weekend for your horrorscopes, please hang in there until tomorrow night. I promise they'll be the best ever.

xoxo
C

Sunday, February 4, 2007

Reading your Horrorscope

It's about 3 degrees outside right now. It's so cold, my cat is being nice to me and cuddling on my lap in the interest of staying warm. My radiator is on high, but there are large cracks where my floor meets my wall--and the cold air sneaks in cackling "Ha! Insulation-shmulation." Nothing better to suit the day than to drink luke-warm coffee that I can't refill because it would disturb the kitty, and write to you about your horrorscopes!!!

My hot and gorgeous friend Josi the Queen of the Sagittarians mentioned to me that when she reads the Horrorscopes, she doesn't just read Sag--please note: this is most DEFINITELY a-typical Sag behavior--she reads the whole thing. Why? Because one, she's a good friend who likes to read my writing for some inane reason, and two--reading just your own horrorscope doesn't adequately show you the whole picture. Everyone has an astrological symbol and so by reading all signs, you can see what's going on with those around you--making it easier to explain why they do the crazy shit they do. Which ultimately relates to you, and so this is why it's important to at least try to read all of them--not just yours and your ex's.

Fair enough? Thought so. I wouldn't even try to do this with a standard newspaper. One boring horrorscope is enough. At least mine are funny and probably poke at someone you know, anyway......

Also, bear with me. A few weeks ago, I found a sturdy chair on the sidewalk of East 9th street. It was night time. I needed a chair for my desk, and so I took it. It wasn't until the harsh lights of the subway illuminated the thorough rusting, that I understood why it had been abandoned by the restaurant. However, it was great fun riding the subway with a chair. Tourists asked to sit in it, and rode the subway in my chair. Their friends took their pictures and sometimes got into them--immortalizing myself in their memories as "Lady with the Rusty Chair. " Yesterday, I got all the rust off using a powerful remover. It's still fuming and I think I'm getting high......

Bienvenidos a la semana de 4-10 Febrero!!!

Aries (March 21-April 20)
Those born beneath the sharp hooves of the battering ram.....
Seriously. Get over it. I don't know what crawled under your tail this week, but I KNOW you need to get over it. For an animal without thumbs, you sure as hell hold onto stuff you ought to let go of. You do realize holding onto the past causes gas, right? And if you're in a relationship, you do realize that farting in the bed could potentially shake the already shaky cinder blocks on which your relationship is built? Come on. Your forecast this week asks you to "review it all, bless it all, release it all." I'm not that optimistic. Aries will NEVER bless the thing that pissed them off. But do review, consider what you have learned, and give it all a big, fat finger and then let it go. You will reach a golden, blissful feeling--known as peace. Not that you'll keep it long, but you might get giddy for a second or two.

Taurus (April 21-May 21)
The stubborn, the proud....they who break things with their heads....
Aw.....why is Taurus sad this week? Sometimes you kids get so determined, so hard headed, we forget that you have sensitive little feelings crawling around in there. Looks as though this week, someone sawed off your horns while you slept and mounted them over the fireplace--making you feel vulnerable. Defenseless. That was mean of them. Don't grieve when something falls apart with a douche bag. If they weren't a douche bag, it probably wouldn't have fallen apart! Try to be happy that you learned a life lesson and see it as the beginning of a new chapter. Laugh about it, somehow. Or tell me all about it so that I can make it funny for you. Laughter is the best way to get your horns off the mantle and start aiming them at the flag-waver's ass again....

Gemini (May 22-June 21)
There are two......
Look, you're just going to have to make a decision. There are plenty of options, we know, there are lots of ways this can be done. But at some point, you just have to pick one......See, I'm having trouble understanding why this choice is perplexing you so much (BRB--stereo playing Neil Diamond. Must Change.). I can't see how it's life or death. If it is life or death, like deciding whether to give your kidney to your sister, I'm going to make the decision for you. Your sister needs the kidney. See? So much easier, right? Trust me. For the little shit, make a choice and stay with it. Once you pick a path, things become much easier and more opportunities will grow. Just like when you pick the dead spider-plant leave out of the pot, the ones that died because your cat decided to eat them, fresher, prettier shoots grow in their place. That's what's going to happen to you, Gemini, when you get all the dead, over-thought choices out of your way!!! Give the kidney.

Cancer (June 22-July 23)
We who would rather loose an arm than release the claw.....
Ooh...I don't like this reading. I want to recast so that it gives me a reading I want, but that would only go to further prove the point this reading is trying to make. Are we putting our wants ahead of the needs of other people? Again? Yes, it's true that if they do what we want, they'll be happier, because we do know better, after all--but they really need to find that out for themselves. We CANNOT control every element in our little sea of drama. Time to attempt to loosen the claws and let things just take their course. Plenty of things will come our way to try to shape and manipulate. I'm stopping now because seeing this coming my way, as a Cancer, makes me want to withdraw and pout for awhile. I still have many signs to go. (Insert Weber grrrrrrrr.)

Leo (July 24-August 23)
They who purr and they who roar....those who hide from the vacuum cleaner more.....
There has got to be something nasty rolling around the cosmos. Here is yet another example. (Shit. Neil Diamond's back. Whose stupid c.d. is this????) You are yowling and hissing more than my little Lilith this week. When bad nasties come over Leos, they tend to want to tear shit up as a way to dealing with it. It's not going to last long, don't try to get over it any faster. That's bound to make it worse. Dark times are temporary, and your happy little Sun symbol is bound to come bouncing out. Roaring at a night sky is only bound to annoy your neighbors--and possibly raise your rent. Remember this when I start pounding on my ceiling with my broomstick.....I'm talking to YOU!!!!!

Virgo (August 24-September 23)
Born under the sign of the Virgin--but they're not fooling anyone....
Another
growth reading? I'm going to need to talk to my scrying mirror. This is getting boring. I hereby command that every Virgo learn something this week about doing nothing. Sometimes, problems occur without your help and no amount of band-aids or complex theorems are going to fix it. Submit, be still, and play with your rubix cube. We'll call you when you're ready for you. I will remind you once more that over-analyzation will cause a migraine. (Or an ulcer....;) Do you realize how productive you can be when you focus your energy on other things? Laundry? Dishes? My laundry? My dishes? I could keep you busy for awhile. Please don't take it down skanky alley, Virg.....

Libra (September 24-October 23)
They are not an animal. They are not a person. They are the scales and they HATE to be off.....
When you go down to the crossroads, and some handsome guy offers to give you the ability to play the guitar in exchange for your soul....I know you're going to be tempted, not because you crave musical ability, but because that guy is really cute and he can't be all that bad....the horns can be removed with surgery.......Stop. Libra, this cross-roads you've reached requires non-action. I believe this is the same thing I told you last week, but maybe you just needed to hear it again. (Crossings-over take awhile.) When you reach a cross-road, it means it's time to take a new path, and that will require a new set of shoes. The gold-glitter high heels worked great for the last six miles (Liar. You've got blisters to beat the devil...) but this new path may require Birkenstocks. Let go of the flash and glamour. Don't wait for your companions to do the same.

(Astrologer's note: I am now OFFICIALLY high from rust remover....)

Scorpio (October 24-November 23)
Can't you please just get over it? I was only f*cking with you.....
No. No, it's not going to happen. Your ex does not want you back. Frankly, you don't want them either, but you simply cannot accept that there is someone in the world who isn't in love with you. Leaven them alone. Now is the time to lock yourself in your room with Tori Amos. Now is the time to contemplate why the world doesn't understand you. No, sweetie, we don't. And we never will. Focus this week on turning your dark thoughts into bad poetry. And focus on a way to manipulate someone into publishing it somewhere, make some money, and buy me dinner. I'm hungry and don't have much cash this week. I promise to be sympathetic to all of your delusions.

Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)
Honey, I said don't play with the archery set in the house. Honey? HONEY! NO!!!!!!!
Look. You need a time out. Go sit in the corner and think about what you did, or didn't do, until I say you can come out. There is lots of work to be done, and now is not the time to pick up pottery, Amway or Greenpeace. Something has been disowned and is wreaking havoc in your life. You think that by making yourself even busier, that problem will go away. Uh-uh. It's bound to take over your house--like the plant from Little Shop of Horrors. It might even eat your cat. Can't have that. Time to wake up and face the plant face-on. You might need to feed your roommate to the beast, or your S.O., whoever is asking for it. Let's take thing head-on and forget the rest. I really can't type in this chair today. My nose is burning.

Capricorn (December 22-January 20)
Oh, yeah. Goats look all innocent. But why do you think they made the Devil look like so?.....
Wow. Someone who got a good reading this week. Capricorn managed to find the answer to their question or solution to their problem this week! Feel like bottling some of that and marketing it to the rest of the signs? If you could, you would, I know....Take advantage of this enlightened time. Your reading this week very much wants you to know that you now have enough light to see that the patient on the operating table is yourself. I'm starting to hallucinate. I'd better make this fast. It's going to be a good week for you, so try to share some of that wisdom with your friends in the other signs--we all need it this week.

Aquarius (January 21- February 19)
They who carry the water, but are likely to forget the pail at the well...
Lord. You don't know the shape I'm in. Don't think it matters, though. See, kids? This is why the DARE team taught you that doing inhalants will harm you. I'm opening a window--even though it's 3 degrees outside. For those of you who have never been to my apartment don't understand--I only have room for one chair, and fumey-chair is it. You, Aquarius, are also being told to sit still. Don't know who these crazy friends are of yours who think you're able to shoulder all of their difficulties (Cancers, right?) but whatever generosity you've shown as of late is kind of being used against you. Be careful, right now. Don't give out more than you have--which means taking the unusual step of taking stock of what you have and are able to give. My cat is biting me.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Slippery little devils.....they shift and change without notice and don't like being held long....
You seem happy this week! Is it because you managed to put up proper defenses to keep the nasties from getting in? Or is it because you embraced the shift or change that was due you? I'd like to credit you for both, modest little Pisces. You'll blush and change the subject. Maybe you need to team up with your Capricorn friends to keep the rest of us from robbing Aquarius blind of their energies. Time to shine, Koi-Boy and Glitter-Girl! But in your assistance, don't turn a blind fin to those who may want to use you. Kick the asses of those who are taking up space, but don't collapse yourself into your victories. Otherwise, you'll end up with the same reading you got two weeks ago......

All right. Can't deal with the cold. I'd rather be high.