Sunday, March 25, 2007

Malibu, Cuervo and Spartan Glory

You know what's funny?

I can spend oh, so much time writing these essays and horrorscopes--and two days later I don't even remember what I was thinking. Or writing them.

So, if you ever want more information about something I've said, please keep in mind that I'll most likely have no friggin' clue about what you're talking about. Astrologer Courtney takes over and takes no prisoners--and then disappears again until Sunday. On a regular day, Regular Courtney is only half awake with a cup of luke-warm coffee in her hand, blinking at you and looking kind of confused. You will probably never meet Astrologer Courtney. I've never even met her. She just uses my computer to tell your future because she's too cheap to buy her own.

These are on time this week. Take that.

Aries (Mar. 21-April 19)
"362 days and counting until Kells (St. Paddy's Day) 2008!!"
Hang on. My cat is chasing the flying monkeys.
Okay. I'm back.
Good work, Aries! You finally got what you wanted and now are happy as can be. Feels good to use constructive communication as opposed to death threats, doesn't it? Not as fun, I know, but far more productive. Secrets no more--we know Aries don't like secrets. Keep in mind that you're still going to have to work for more stuff. We know, Aries is going to say, "But, the hard part is over!!! Why do I have to continue to constructively communicate and practice reasonable compromise?" True, you were finished with THAT part of whatever you were trying to accomplish, but new situation requires new tactics. The completion of one cycle only leaves for the opening of a new one! Don't you want to enjoy this fresh feeling all over again? Yes, yes you do.

Taurus(April 20-May 20)
"My mouth is like a vagina. It even has a little clitoris."
The majority of the Universe is aware that Taurus has difficulties with issues of patience, but the monkeys are pleased to report that the majority of the Universe's Bulls have latched onto this practice and are using it (almost) effectively! Hooray! Two happy readings in a row. However, I'm also seeing that Taurus is attempting desperately to conceal emotions of anger and/or painful passion. Current romantic situation resembles something in the past that sucked? Current government administration creates pain and upheaval in the name of "freedom" and it resounds poorly on your moral conscious? Current roommate took the last beer and doesn't flush the toilet? Taurus, you must find productive ways to release these frusturations. Taking it out on your sister's cat is not an option. You'll be inclined to give up on patience because--damnit--it just hasn't worked yet! I've got news for you, sweetheart. Patience only works if you keep using it. That, and gently reminding your roommate-again--to flush the godd*mn toilet.

Gemini(May 21-June 20)
"try incorporating Fern/ Alder into your health regime...."
Okay, so things didn't exactly go your way this week. Wicked uncle was supposed to pass onto the merry retirement home in the sky and leave you with a wad of cash--but just in his evil way, has clung to life a little longer and continues to suck on that tube. Frankly, investing in someone's demise is not a finacially viable solution to your current problems. My monkeys' advice is to pick up a few more hours on the job or sell a few more possessions on EBay. It's a good week to make more cash, but it's not going to come on its own. Another note--if you've been trying to get or trying to get someone knocked up, this is most certainly the week to do it. Enjoy the early days of spring. Light some candles, get some spiced wine going, and gently drape the curtain across the screen.....Careful, though. A note about disruption has just jumped out of the cauldron. You are far more likely to get "walked in on" or have a long-lost lover or relative from the past burst onto the stage just before intermission.

Cancer(June 21-July 22 )
"300 is the coolest piece of pro-war propaganda I've ever seen!"
It actually is. Afterward, I was so ready to done one of those hot, drapey dresses and go find me a soldier for whom to bear several children in which to carry on his name. Don't worry, guys. As soon as I got into the stink of Times Square again, I was over it. Charming little crabs we are this week. Peppy and smiley on the surface, just below our thin shells lurk Angry Cancerians, who--again--are plotting the deaths of those who said mean things to us either last week or last decade. Yep. This trend is just going to continue. But being the passive aggressive creatures we are, we will plan a peaceful "retreat" until it's time again to sneak around the corner of the bodega and stab our spurner to death. Or at least, spill a cheap drink on them. Back-handed compliment at the very least. (Sigh.) The monkeys say this is a big waste of time and we should project our frustrations into cleaning out the closet or making a big pot of soup to pass out to the homeless. I'm not saying that THIS particular Cancerian will be doing said things. But the Monkeys say that YOU should.

Leo(July 23-August 22)
"My sleeves are so big, I can't get them into this swan."
Smiley, happy Leos walkin' by!!!!!! Yay!!! What in the world has tickled you little kittens under your tails this week? My goodness! A giant round of bitching, followed by spectacular make-up sex! Marvelous. Do share. A think more than a few of our Zodiac sisters and brothers could learn from your example. Cursing/shouting/throwing beer bottles: break-up and/or jailtime. Constructive bitching i.e. venting without name calling and receptive listening: multiple orgasms. Wait! You're problems have still some more work to do. More things will come up in that post-sex cigarette: those of you with partners may have a little more listening to do. However, it looks as though once most of this is cleared away, you'll have more room for shiny, happy things! Take out the trash--ensure sexual space on the kitchen floor. Take out MORE trash--ensure MORE space....get it? Of course you do!!!

Virgo(Aug 23-Sept. 22)
"Those Bitches. Seriously. No mints! I'll never dream I am staying in that hotel again!"
What's left of my heart went out to all Virgos last week. No, really. It did. That was a pretty lousy reading and I spanked all monkeys thoroughly for bringing such horrid, sterile news. The news isn't a whole lot better this week, although the reading doesn't explicitly say DRY SPELL. I'm seeing the retention of emotions that ought to be released (constructively, please.) I see personal obligations distracting you from your creative endeavors. I see a disconnect to your spiritual self, a period of stagnation...okay, I'm going to quit with the astrologer crap. Basically, Virgo, you're thinking too hard again and not thinking enough about yourself. Other people's bullshit should not come before your own bullshit. In fact, all bullshit should be immediately scooped up and deposited in your neighbor's can (we know yours is full.). It's time for some candles, incense, or at the very least, the most brainless movie you can find. Take some time to be by yourself. And don't drink too much.

Libra(Sept. 23-Oct 22)
"I came here to audition. Yet, I still found plenty of time to get wasted. But I don't think that has anything to do with being a Libra."
Nope. The money situation has not improved. Nor will it by Sunday, when I get the next round of readings up. I predict Libras will have at least one brow-beating curse fest with each of their neighbors, particularly the ones with the two children who run around on bare floors in the middle of the night. (Give the shits some NYQUIL for god's sake! Don't they SLEEP?) The good news is that Prince Charming will finally show up this week. Well, sort of. You will get laid. All of you. I promise. I can't promise that it will be good, or that he/she will be smart, intelligent, showered, lice-free--any of it. But won't it be nice to make more noise for once than your upstairs neighbor's kids? And since you're broke, won't it be nice to have the entertainment come to you? Yes, yes it will.

Scorpio(Oct. 23-November 21)
"Silence is golden. But it doesn't help my performance art piece like, at all."
Scorpio fell in love last week, as we may recall. Scorpio is still desperately in love this week, too. Weak in the knees, googly eyed and counting church-bells in love! This is terribly exciting! Okay, I lied. Not all Scorpios will be thoroughly wrapped around a new person, and most will have tremendous money issues. The over-riding themes of this week for our Scorpion Kings and Queens is yippy-skippy gushing over these pretty people they've found, is to not forget to keep talking and listening, too. Don't go into your watery heads and confuse the person you're so glad to have found with your silence.

Sagittarius(November 22-December 21)
"So, can we just admit that vegetarianism is flawed? we are superior to other animals. if not, then why don't we eat other humans for fun, hmmm?"
The ADD children of the zodiac should have stretched a little further in their yoga poses this week. Doing strange things with your body gets you closer to God, Sag. You didn't do enough stretching, and now you're all upset. Of course, being the little fire beast that you are, you're not letting your tears show through. Instead, you're about to drive your car through the side of your neighbor's house--all because their kid flicked a booger at your kid or something? Come on, Sag. We all know you're plagued by deep hurts and insecurities that have bothered you for years and still haven't been dealt with. We're all really worried about you, but even more so, we're really worried about us. We don't want you driving through the side of our house.

Capricorn(December 22-January 19)
"After lots and lots of traveling I returned home, bought a house, divorced, and started working at LMC again. I do have a side hobby. I make wedding videos and photography. Yes, I love it."
I just read your MySpace horoscope and frankly, it reaffirms my Astrologer Mission. Most astrology simply makes no sense. They're telling you that you've been relieved from stress, which makes it seem like you're living in a vacation, which makes everything better for everyone--but no one is fooled (by what?). If this is true, Capricorn, ENJOY this period of relaxation! It's a rarity for you, so don't stress over lack of stress. Avoid annoying people at all costs. They'll show up in your bushes again in no time, so don't help them out by seeking out those with issues. Paint the living room, and get a new lamp for the bedroom. Soon enough, the drama tornado will return--so get things in order while you have the mental energy.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb. 18)
"I'm just glad I went up there and did it."
What? I'm confused. Since when did Aquarius give a shit what other people think? Even more so, since when did they try to be everyone's BFF? Aquarius, the reason we all LIKE you is because you don't CARE whether we like you or not! The spirit of some insecure high-schooler has possessed you in your sleep and you're now trying to dress like Lindsay Lohan. This is stupid. You can't change you for our opinions. If some Capricorn is scorning at you, well, Capricorn scorns everyone, so not to worry. Go hang out with your Sag friends this week. First of all, they need the support. Second of all, they'll remind you why it's so awesome that you're the lone clown freak in a room full of suits. I seriously hope not to ever see this reading from you again, Water-Bearer.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
"I'm glad I gave him my number. I can't wait for him to call so I can tell him what a total asshole he is."
Uh-oh. Someone hurt Pisces' feelings. Who do I need to curse? Just kidding, I won't do that (unless you want me to...) Basically, someone was shitty to you and you're inclined to think they did so on purpose. Now, I'm absolutely willing to kill on your behalf--but in this case, I don't think this asshole was an asshole on purpose. They were an inconsiderate bastard, yes--but they were too caught up in themselves to even think about how their rudeness effected you. It's only going to make you more depressed if you focus on their intent. Trust me. It was them--not you.

Dear Llewellyn: Please purchase advertising on this site. I'm funnier than all the other witches and I need the cash. xoxo--your sister in the Great Goddess.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Happy Birthday, Aries!!!

It's that special time of year again. The Zodiac New Year! We survived; we were not consumed by melting glaciers or lethal black holes--yet. Spring is almost here, and it's time to celebrate the birthdays of our favorite fiery rams: Aries! Aries! Aries!

It only makes sense that Aries is the first sign in the chart. The Big Brothers/Sisters in the group (and I don't mean this in a 1984 way...), Arians were invented by the universe to get the rest of us out of the stupid jams we tend to get ourselves into. They are strong, they are stubborn, and they are brash and loyal and pretty much the best friends and worst enemies you could possibly imagine. Do you own a business? (Right.....who does?) If so, hire an Aries. I wouldn't recommend hiring more than one in the same department. First of all, they don't like working for one another. Second, they'll fight. However, your Aries employee/co-worker will be the one who has The Plan--and who won't have a problem telling you who's screwing up big time. They don't play into office/restaurant/massage parlor politics. They're there to get the job done, and even if the lazy guy who blogs all day instead of working is their doting, handicapped father--they'll tell you to fire them if they don't do the job.

Once you've got an Aries friend, take care of them. They will take care of you. They will fix your car when it breaks. If they don't know how to fix a car, they will find someone who will--and stand over their shoulder to make sure they don't screw up. They will help you move. They will beat up your cheating spouse--so make sure you let them know if that's not something you want. They will tell you everything that's wrong with your life--not because they're mean (Aries may be on the angry side, but rarely carry a malicious streak), but because they want you to be the best little soldier can be. They will be the only one in your zodiac pool who will go penguin-stalking in Antarctica. Aries do like to travel. Seriously, these guys are adventurous, loving and unbelievably loyal. They'll be on your side, even when you're unbelievably wrong. Well, publicly, anyway. Privately, they'll tear you up for being a dumbass--and they're usually right. And when they're wrong, they may fight you on it--being probably the most stubborn creatures in all of creation--but they'll eventually listen. They are willing to change when it's necessary.

As lovers--wow. Shy kids need not apply. Exhibitionists, stand here. People with a tendency to cheat, stay the hell away from Aries. They will kill those that stray. Your Aries lover is quite likely to have sex with you in a stairway, public bathroom, on the end of the subway car, on top of a subway car, yeah. They get hot quickly and will need it no less than half a dozen times before they let you go to sleep. This is the sign where you're likely to find your strangest tie me-beat me-harder-harder fantasies fulfilled.

Arians don't warm up to people instantly. Some even come off an introverted in the beginning, although I've only seen two cases of this for the most part. Most have a natural sense of distrust of others. When you first meet an Aries, you're probably going to think that they don't like you. It may be true--most Arians don't like a lot of people--but chances are they just don't know you yet. Don't try too hard to get to know them right away, they'll trust you even less. Just hang around and let them feel out if you're a jackass or not.

On the flip side, because we've all got them, Arian's big nasty is their rage. These kids get mad easily, and trying to calm them down is about as easy and productive as getting my cat to do the dishes. They cling to past hurts and furies in a way that baffles even the most unforgiving Cancerian. No one does grudge like Aries does grudge. Arians have a tendency to misunderstand their emotions and either take it out on the house by tearing down a wall that suddenly annoys the crap out of them, or sometimes, on their loved ones. They've really got to watch that violent streak.The good news is that in every Arians life, there are one or two people they genuinely listen to. If you happen to be that person in an Arian's life, consider yourself flattered as they certainly do have remarkable respect for you. Remember that when you are sincerely tempted to use that frying pan against their skull.

Aries have a lot of love, and if you're lucky enough that they share it with you, they envelope you and it will be a long, long time before they even think of letting you go.

So, to the fiery, loving, genuine, honest, crazy, sexy, fabulous extra-terrestrials we know as Aries in my life, whom I absolutely could NOT live without: Nola, Christopher, Becky, Marc, Master Lee, Steph Sabelli and of course...my best Aries of all time: Izzy. Happy Birthday you battering rams, you! I love you to fiery pieces!

Aries (Mar. 21-April 19)
"I gotta keep my spreading my legs wide so I can keep up with you."
It's your birthday! Eat some cake. All right, who are you mad at this week? I guess I should say, when is there a week when you're not mad at someone? However, this week, the flying monkeys have decreed that there is strength in your cold shoulder--perhaps you did the right thing this time by erecting a concrete wall between yourself and the guy who shares your cubicle. Nice choice. Just know when it's time to tear the thing down--and do it. Don't make me have to call and remind you.

Taurus(April 20-May 20)
"It's a story about fucking a republican."
Taurus is also holding a grudge this week. I wonder if the two horned kids got into some kind of zodiacal battle. Only, Taurus isn't just mad, Taurus is pissed. And they're not saying who and they're not saying why and the rest of us are going to have to sit real pretty and try to remember if we've angered any bulls this week. (I'm sure I did.) Taurus, none of us ever knows when you're mad at us, even when we try. If you'd actually tell us what we did, I promise that each and every one of us will try very, very hard not to do it again. Right, guys? I think we had this conversation last week, Taurus. You're going to need to give people a clue.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
"False hope is the cockroach of human emotions."
At first, the forecast showed that the lady Geminis were going to be broke this week. Wait! Nope. All Geminis are going to be broke this week. Sorry! You're stuck in a rut and it's making you blue. Honeys, it happens! It's almost the end of the month and eventually, you will get paid again. Or the people on the subway will eventually buy your candy. It's not going to get any easier for awhile. Try not to whine too much about it because you've already used up a great deal of everyone's sympathy last week. See if you can do some household chores for your Mom. Sure, she still pays in 1964 wages, but that way you don't have to look so pathetic at the bar Friday night.

Cancer (June 21-July 22 )
"Best way to learn from a mistake is to just go and make it again."
So, for the most part, things are going well for the crabby babies. Oh, yeah. We're still crying over something our roommate said about us being kind of stout--which happened like, three years ago and this was before the gym membership. I want to give us a lecture about how ridiculous we all are, but I think that will only waste the time I could otherwise use for writing a smart-ass novel that will make far more money than this smart-ass blog. End of the week brings a tall, handsome and wealthy stranger. Either that or we'll all gain some strength in order to cope with the things we let bother us.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
"Does labia walk, or does it slither? How exactly does labia get around?"
Cataclysm! An end to a cycle! Leos, I highly advise you to stay where you are and don't go outside. If you must, wear a helmet. Someone is going to drop a piano on the head of your world this week, and it's not going to be pretty. Initially. However, the good news is that this proverbial piano is coming at just the right time. Once you clear from the wreckage, the sun will be all pretty and shiny and you'll find new strength--or something fruity like that. I sincerely wish upon you only pianos that cause no physical harm and only temporary emotional damage.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22)
"STOP listening to BREAKAWAY. STOP dancing in your cubicle chair to SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE. you make me sick. you disgust me. they are evil."
Hmm......Something has come to an end for the Virgos of the world. A triumphant end, for good or bad. Virgo, you're likely to break up with someone this week, or come to the realization that someone you're fond of isn't quite so fond of you. A girlfriend/boyfriend/friendfriend/or fuckbuddy is no longer in your corner and this isn't my fault, it's just what the monkeys are saying. You may be dealing with this overwhelming sensation that something has gotten into your blood, heated it up a little bit, sloshed it around, and now you want to go screaming through the park with your underpants on your head. These, Virgo, are called emotions and you're going to have a lot of them this week. Outlook for sex and/or other creative endeavors: also not so good. Sorry. The good news is this is decidedly temporary. I'll bribe the monkeys into telling you something better on Sunday.

Libra(Sept. 23-Oct 22)
"I suck my tongue in remembrance of you."
Jesus Christ, Libra. You are pissed to all hell. What in the world happened? Actually, I don't want to know, but I hope it didn't involve me because you are doing a highly unusual thing for a Libra to do: plotting the deaths of all of your enemies. If you kill someone, you will go to jail. Don't think you're going to get away with it because we all know that Libras have gigantic flapping jaws. Instead, plot the death of your enemies using unconventional methods. Do the kill with kindness thing. It actually works. Basically, you're going to need to start from scratch on something. It's not an official starting over-starting over, but your new tactics are going to call for some thought before approach. Don't be stupid.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-November 21)
"...balancing social justice and my desire for shit I don't need."
I want to be super annoying and start singing "When you wish upon a star...." but it'll get stuck in your head. Oh, wait. Too late. (insert wicked cackle) Aw....Scorpio's in love this week! Or lust. Or delicious delusion. I almost feel like skipping the rest of your reading this week and let you stay in your pretty little fantasy land. I almost don't want to tell you that these fantasies can only become flesh-ities if you pull a plan together and make it happen. I also don't want to mention that the courtship of the person or object of your desires is going to take much longer than you think. I don't want to wake you from your daydream of sweeping Mr./Ms. Wonderful onto your gallant steed and racing off into the sunset--this person has to want to come with you, first. So, I'm not going to say anything.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
"When you picture your labia, do you picture one particular side? I picture my left."
It's a good week for Sag to try that whole Ritalin thing again. Or meditation exercises, for the hippies of the group. Our flickering little friends are in desperate need of communing with their higher power. (It's in there! I promise!) They are also in desperate need of a good conversation with the person who helps them spend their money. Clearly, all that cash we saw in weeks past did not stick around. It's going to be a rather quiet week for Sag, so don't blow it and wreck your house by having all of your friends over. We'll be back around, so learn to enjoy quiet and balance. It'll all be over soon enough.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
"And you ride a rocket powered silver slipper trailing a stream of multicolored candy!"
Another Cataclysmic week! Your reading will confuse the hell out of most people, but not for Capricorn because this is all too typical. What you wanted to arrive, arrived. And that's turned your world inside out. You're angry because it didn't arrive in the form you wanted it to--or you're angry because...shit. I don't know why you're upset, but this anger is driving people away and making it difficult for anything to really be accomplished. Slow down, take some time and listen to that inner voice you've so desperately been trying to smother. I can't help but thinking that this new arrival is a marvelous one, so none of us have any sympathy for your yammering this time.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb. 18)
"Posting it twice is just a waste of cyberspace. Even if it is theoretical."
Something crawled under your skin and you're pretending it didn't happen. I hope it wasn't herpes. No, really. You're pretending it didn't happen and spending all of your hard-earned cash at the bar, trying to impress all of your friends with how cute and funny you are. The latter is true, you are cute and funny, but we're not impressed because we already thought you are cute and funny. We also know you picked up something in your one-night stand with the girl you met at the gas station because you're walking funny. This is all symbolic, you may not have contracted an STD (but if you think you might have, you need to go get tested.) but something icky is going on with you. We can all see it, and you're not admitting it. This is going to cause some problems for you down the road in the name of cranky attitude and/or emotional deluge. Talk to your friends. They like you and they'll listen to you. Hell, you've had to listen to them when they picked up something nasty from that girl at the gas station.....

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
"Email me. Casey Affleck is waiting in the car."
Remember last week? I said you were bound to hit a bump in your road, and this was going to make you irritable and unhappy, but you need to keep going? I guess that bump hit sooner than expected. So, instead of sitting there chain-smoking, go kick someone in the ass. You know exactly who I'm talking about, too. Your impatience will only work for you if it prompts you to make changes. Silent grudges will be the sword on which you fall. I want to spray-paint that on the subway. I won't, but I want to. A confrontation is at hand--either with a person or a nasty habit you've been trying to kick. Do it, and stop being mopey.

Wow. Better late than BITE ME BITE ME BITE ME.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

What if it doesn't exist??????

Just because I'm woo-woo, doesn't mean I'm a nut.

Just because I'm a nut, doesn't mean I deny it.

Just because I deny it, doesn't mean there isn't something to astrology.

And just because I'm uber-defensive for no particular reason does not make me a typical Cancerian. (Lie.)

Thank you. Bad poetry on a Tuesday morning.

I read a lot of blogs. Yes. Yes, I do. And they all sound smarter than my astrology blog. Particularly the pool of theater bloggers I've fallen into who actually see plays, think about them, think about art, think about life and use big words when they talk about it. Granted, people are more apt to read astrology and frankly, astrology is more fun, but does that mean that I'm wasting my talents on writing funny fluff? Well, I wouldn't call it wasting. Or talent. Or even funny, really. But certainly not fluff.

Why? Are we sure astrology even exists?

No. We're not.

I was in a bookstore a few years ago, perusing the astrology section when this guy came up to me and pointed out that the constellations that supposedly guide our zodiacal tendencies don't even exist anymore. They burned out long ago, but their light is only reaching us now.

"Therefore," he surmised as if I'd begged and begged for his opinion. "I'm not sure astrology exists."

No scientific backing? No, not really. Can't hold it in our hands? Nope. Can't do that, either. Astrology is likely a man-made conception, on which we place a lot of emphasis but does not exist "on its own" or something like that.

But you know what? Currency is man-made too. Does that mean currency isn't real?

You can argue that currency is real because you can hold it in your hand and use it to buy things. But truthfully, most of us use our currency through little cards that are connected to little numbers somewhere on a big giant machine. You can argue that those little numbers translate into little pieces of green paper--which are "real," but those little pieces of green paper are in actuality only IOU notes for pieces of gold in a big vault somewhere down south--and we're not even really sure there is enough gold to back up all those IOU's.

But money does exist--you dirty hippies, you. Because we make it so. Whether or not those numbers or pieces of paper "mean" anything, we use it, we earn it, it's the reason we get up and out the door every day to go sit in an office. Plus (people are arguing) we can hold it in our hand.

What about thoughts? We can't see those. We can't hold them in our hands. Do they exist? I'm not always sure about that--but I figure if I'm thinking about thoughts, well, they must sort-of be real, right?

God is a whole different story that I'm not going into right now.

I believe in astrology. Duh. I also believe in God. Several, in fact. And both of these things do exist. Whether or not they existed before humans came out of caves is beside the point. We open the newspaper--and there's an astrology column. Even the staunchest atheist probably knows their zodiac sign. And whether you want to admit it--when you start dating someone, their sign crosses your mind along with the question of whether it will work with yours. Hell, you people read my astrology blog--and not just because you desperately want your friend to become famous so she can buy a yacht and take you places on it. Just like money, just like government, just like God, religion and the concept of love--these things exist because we engage them.

And the fact that--admit it--sometimes forecasts can be chillingly accurate.

I think I've made a point here. I've tried to, anyway. Not bad for 11:00 a.m. on a Tuesday morning with only three cups of coffee.

It's the week of March 12-18! And the Retrograde has finally passed!!!!

Aries
(Mar. 21-April 19)
"I like him. Like, I'm really into him. Like, I love him."
It's that special time of year when our little Rams get to sharpen their horns and lay low in the grass for awhile. They've likely shot their mouth off--again--and now in order to keep their job or marriage need to do some serious DL time. That's okay! We all go through this. My flying monkeys tell me that this particular warning has more to do with cash than love this time for the Rams. Basically, most Arians have probably angered their bosses or co-workers. Be cool this week, guys. It's in your best interests. I'm seeing here that the person you rattled is probably going to come around and see your thwarted way of thinking. This will lead to healing, reunion and far fewer fist fights. Sit back and watch something on You-Tube, just don't let the boss catch you.....


Taurus
(April 20-May 20)
"Did I make Taurus quote of the week?" (No. You're not the only Taurus I know.) "Well, I SHOULD be..."
Now, TAURUS is the one who needs to get over something. Whatever this is that crawled between your hooves this morning happened at lease a month ago. And everyone else involved thought it was resolved. I've got a sneaking suspicion that the Tauruses of the world said, "Oh sure! We're fine!" little bits of sarcastic saliva dripping out of their clenched teeth. Well, the whole world didn't know your clenched teeth meant you were still angry. We all thought you were constipated. No, truthfully, you're going to need to get over this because the rest of us have moved on. If you simply can't let it go, you need to talk to the person who upset you. Chances are, they will respond with, "Why didn't you just say so, numb-nut?" Don't let that upset you further. You have a chance to assist in the growth of one of your many confusing relationships. Watch where you put your horns.

Gemini
(May 21-June 20)
"But I'm wearing long johns underneath......"
Aw....Gemini is sad this week! I think there were a series of break-ups or other losses running around in the land of the Twins. Sorry, baby! I only dumped two or three Geminis this week, so it's not all because of me. Loss is a part of life, friend. And I'm really not that cool, anyway. Seriously, though. Look at what you received from the association and try really, really hard to celebrate that instead of mourn what you lost. When you start to mourn, meditate on all the really annoying things that person or situation provided. And then meditate on how much room you have to find new people and things to annoy you! I guarantee that this will change your mood. Plus, you're a Gemini who will be on to some other project that will curl the toes of your friends and S.O. We can't wait to see what you're going to come up with.


Cancer
(June 21-July 22)
"What is it with Capricorns and their thing with shoes?"
I'm serious. I'm about to pull the reading and if it's that 'don't hold on' thing again......it's not going to be pretty.
(Stir stir stir the cauldron....)
Thank Goddess.
Wow! Partnership! Each and every Cancer this week is going to meet a beautiful, exotic stranger who will carry us off into the sunset. Or, their cranky-pants partner will suddenly become beautiful and exotic and apologize for all of the cranky-pants things they did recently and carry us off into the sunset. What a great reading! Oh, yeah. We're also being warned not to collapse into these beautiful, exotic entities--like we like to do. It won't work out so well. We've got a chance to pass through one of those life-time gateways if we stay calm and level and don't run around throwing rose petals in the air when we should be taking out the trash. We should actually try really, really hard to listen to the advice of people around us, particularly those we tend to ignore. So, if someone we tend to avoid suddenly has to talk to us--just give them three minutes. They don't need to know we're taking their advice--they might come back and do it again--but it could be helpful in the long run. So there.

Leo
(July 23-August 22)
When Carrie from Sex in the City gets dumped
She has the option of buying Manolos
But I don't have that option
So I buy a Budweiser

(The Reverend Jen. I include the name this time because it's her poetry.)
The Leos of the world have hereby refused to come out of their dens because they're all in pissy moods. Well kittens, ruts happen. To all of us. As a Cancer, I think it's highly productive to retreat and wait for the world to go away, however, you don't have the luxury of doing so just now. Someone around you needs your attention, and they're likely to go seeking for it elsewhere if you keep all curled up and moody. It's probably a Gemini--those kids had a rough week. You're going to have to suck it up and go attend to them, even though we all know that you are seriously not in the mood to be doting. The good news is that you're probably going to find that helping your friend or lover will snap you out of your funk. Even better news is that you two are going to put each other back together and go skipping down the lane to the end of the rainbow. I think that sounds quite nice.

Virgo
(Aug 23-Sept. 22)
"I should have checked the bed before I got in. I ended up sleeping on a choo-choo."
Uh-oh. The Holy Virgins discovered some secret, or found the answer to some nagging question--and while the zodiac Virgins are information whores, this particular piece of info has upset them greatly. If you were being blind to something, be thankful you finally woke up. If you were lied to, be thankful you finally got the truth, little melancholy babies. If this involves a good-bye, you need to make it a good BYE. Erase the emails, delete the text messages, store the photos on a disc in some place you're not going to "accidentally" put it back in your computer and flip through it. You little buggers are far more sentimental than you'll ever let anyone know. Although we can all tell. Start over, kids. It'll be better next time around.

Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct 22)
"Insert witty quote here."
I think even my cat is aware of how much Libras dislike change. Lily and I were actually discussing this last night. Until she bit me. Again. Anyway, even when it's a good change, the Libras like to cling to old stuff. They'd rather stop up the river, even though they know it's going to flood all those pretty condos on the riverbank. Maybe that's their intention--little hippy fascists. Anyway, it does mean that whatever you're clinging to is going to drive people away. And we ALL know how Libras don't like to see people go away. If someone needs space, give it to them. That's all I'm going to say.


Scorpio
(Oct. 23-November 21)
"It was that 'if you believe in yourself, you can do anything,' kind of thing. Yeah, she wasn't really into that."
Ick. Sorry kids, your reading this week is pretty yucky. You too have found some kind of cesspool that you're kicking around. Our poor little scorpions are feeling all vulnerable and as if they are completely out of control of their lives. Of course, we know you love chaos, but only when you're the one to stir up--and therefore, control--a chaotic situation. Someone has taken the reins of mayhem away from you and are using them against you. I hate it when that happens. This is likely related to a sudden loss of cash. Your ex is taking you for a serious ride, your boss or landlord has decided to thoroughly "f" you over, or you've been dropping all of your paycheck in the bar to deal with related situation. I guess I can't make fun of you this week. It wouldn't be fair. Ride it out, Scorpio. A brilliant idea for retaliation will come to you in a thunderstormy moment when you're lurking in your tower. Soon. But not today. (Sorry.)

Sagittarius
(November 22-December 21)
"Courtney, you are not appropriate for small children."
(True story.)
Sag is having a great week! Lots of creativity! Lots of sex, looks like! Our favorite fire sign is happy all around! So happy, they might go jump over a garbage can and break a limb. Yeah, your warning this week is to slow the fuck down. It's supremely awesome that you're having so much fun with your lover. They're probably the greatest person who ever lived. But don't elope. Not this week, anyway. While you're running around and sloshing oil paint on the living room wall, remember all the times you did that before and got a whole lot on your mom's expensive rug or passed out from all the fumes and hit your head on something when you fell. I'm NOT trying to put a damper on all of your happy happy joy joy. I'm just saying not to push for even more happy-joy. More will come to you, so let's not be greedy, mmkay?


Capricorn
(December 22-January 19)
"Of course I read my horrorscope every week. How else am I supposed to know all the bad things that are going to happen?"
Okay, some goat who shall remain nameless (Capricorn) has taken something someone close to them said--very, very personally. And in the grand tradition of Capricorns, they are dragging everyone into it--except the person who said or did this terrible, terrible thing. It would seriously be in your best interest to confront this person--or situation, whatever the case may be--but be careful not to take their response personally, either. Sometimes, Capricorn, you do this thing, "People make mistakes and people are human--unless it involves me. Then, it was premeditated." In some cases, premeditation may be involved. I don't think it was the case this time around. Let's work on building and healing relationships this week--not necessarily proving who's right and wrong. Then, we can journal about it and it'll be lots of fun.


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb. 18)
"It's just that one department where I feel like a one-legged duck swimming in circles..."
Oooo.....I think I just figured out who pissed off Capricorn....
Aquarius, one of the reasons we all like you so damn much is because you just let things fly by. Including stuff you say. Yes, we know you don't remember what you said yesterday--let alone what you said last week, but it looks as though someone around you took it a little too much to heart. If this is someone close to you, you're going to need to do some feather un-ruffling. It might involve wine or flowers...so hopefully your tax return has come in. Either way, it looks as though you're going to learn something this week and my suspicion is that it will come in the form of needs of a partner or other loved one. And this will lead to you guys growing together! It might even mean sex! So listen well and check in with your people. You could end up in an awesome orgy!!!!!

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
"I, meanwhile, had a dream about a tiny little monkey. Was that you?"
Eek! Pisces had a break through, or a religious epiphany, or some incredible acid trip--I don't know. But it looks like it was pretty damn awesome and I hope they write about it. This has done wonders for you, and we all know you've needed it. The puzzle pieces of the Pisces world (did you see THAT alliteration???) have all come together to create a delightful picture. Now, put your powers to good use. Okay. I'm stopping with the "p's." If this epiphany is accompanied by an idea for a creative project or the beginning of a relationship, or the start of a 3,000 mile journey by foot--keep in mind that the whole thing may take as long as a year to come together, and so when you reach that first bump--don't do your Pisces thing by sitting down and smoking a joint and mulling about how nothing ever works out. Just keep moving and you'll find it gets easier. I mean, you can still smoke a joint, but just don't stop your progress while you're doing it. You're talented, right? You can do both.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

C

Monday, March 12, 2007

Sorry.

Your horrorscopes will be up tomorrow--with any luck.

Josi, Queen of the Sag's and Foster, The World's Most Handsome Gemini, forced Stephanie and I to drink copious amounts of liquor and consume mass quantities of charred animal flesh, while banging drums around the bonfire all night with a bunch of sailors all weekend long.

So, last night I was pretty damn tired and slept on the couch instead of figuring out your future.

Hang in there, kids. You'll get all the news soon enough.

xoxo
C

Sunday, March 4, 2007

It's the latest, it's the greatest, it's your ELEMENTAL SIGN!!!

(Un-Astrological Side Note: If you would like to wee-wee in your pants for reasons of pure funny, go check out Boisvert's blog and watch the two videos. Then come back and read your horrorscope. ;)

At my last hippy-dippy bonfire gathering, a band called INCUS played a song called "Water Sign." The lyrics go something like this: Water sign, water sign, what is up with you? You gave up your addictions, now you're at them all again....

Meanwhile, a former lover of mine walked up to my best Aries and said, "Can I ask you a question? Courtney's a Water Sign, right?"

"I don't know," said my Best Aries.

"She's a Cancer, right?" Former Lover said.

" Yeah," said my Best Aries.

"So, she's a Water Sign," said my Former Lover.

"I guess so," said my Best Aries. "Why?"

"That explains everything," he replied. And then he walked away.

We weren't quite sure what that meant.

So, I did some research.

There are four Elementals: Fire, Air, Earth and Water and each Elemental rules three of our delicious signs.

The Fire Signs:
Aries
Leo
Sag

The Air Signs:
Gemini
Libra
Aquarius (yes, contrary to popular belief. The "Water Bearer" is an Air Sign.)

The Earth Signs:
Taurus
Virgo
Capricorn

The Water Signs:
Cancer
Scorpio
Pisces

Your Fire Sign Friends:
Fire signs are (duh) fiery little devils who are the most likely to start a fight in the bar, but are also the most likely to get your back on those random days when YOU start a fight in the bar. They are crazy in the way that you find yourself rocking your head in your hands saying, "Oh, f*ck. Crazy bastard has gone and done it again...." Most likely to throw things when angered. Most likely to have sex on your roof. Most likely to give you the big, warm hug you know you need because every other elemental is treating you shabbily. Of course, the big warm hug usually comes with a breath-breaking slap on the back and probably a shot down the throat, too.

Your Earth Sign Friends:
The Earth Signs keep the rest of us from floating into outer space. They're the ones who, we think, invented economic systems and they're the ones who pay the bills. Most likely to dress better than you. Most likely to buy good shoes. Every fashion mag, every decorator mag, every stupid design show you find your mom watching--run by Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo. Basically, they like the picture to look good. Yes, I hear my male Virgo friends saying, "gbhvvvvvvvhgbbbbbbbbbbbb!!! I don't do fashion/decorating!!!" Oh, but three of you are theater directors/producers which means that you DO have an eye/obsession for the aesthetically pleasing!!! C. Raymond--you're not exempt either, with your photo montages and all....(By the way, the gibberish was my kitty's addition to the blog this week. Pretty fitting, yes?)

Your Air Sign Friends:
Your Air Sign friends are the diplomats/translators you send into situations to figure out just what the hell is going on. They talk, they sort of listen, but best of all, they explain what's going on. They get and keep communication open. They're probably the reason we haven't blown up our planet--yet. A good, strong helping of Air Signs in any group will keep the other Elementals from destroying one another. Most likely to talk you to death. Most likely to entertain you to death. Most likely to repeat the juicy piece of gossip no one else will tell you. Most likely to tell you the truth that no one else will tell you. Most likely to forget that the secret you told them, was supposed to be a secret....Very likely to be your friend for all time. Most likely to forgive and forget the dumb shit you do.

Your Water Sign Friends:
(Hee hee!) Your Water Sign friends drive you nuts sometimes, because we're so sensitive and wishy-washy and confusing as all hell, but you know deep down that we love you more than they do and you can't live without us, no matter how hard you try. We're the painters and poets, artists and dreamers, the sentimental mother-f*ckers who write the Lifetime and Hallmark movies. Most likely to call you up just because we "felt" something was up--and correctly so. Most likely to brood about something you said in like, middle school. Most likely to know everything about Astrology (eep!) and Tarot, too. Most likely to pull a 180 on you at the last second with our own thoroughly valid reasons for doing so that won't make sense to anyone else--especially you. But also, most likely to "get" you, when no one else does.

The Elementals are broken into Cardinal, Fixed and Mutable signs, but I think what we have here is enough. I'll finish next week when I get back from my trip to Connecticut.

Aries
(Mar. 21-April 19)
"i'm wearing my insane asylum socks. they're my favorite."
Shit! This week's reading flew out of my cauldron like popcorn. What is up? Looks like someone or some group has kept a secret from you, to your detriment. Watch how you deal with this. Doing your steaming ears, overturning desks thing is more likely than usual to end in unemployment or divorce. How worth it is this? If it's time to move on from said situation, you need to do that. Let's look at the picture objectively, if at all possible, and find out if your ego is choking you again. Don't try to win the argument for the sake of winning, try to figure out the best solution. If you don't freak out, you will either mend said situation, or swiftly move onto a bigger, better, newer situation with more money, a nicer car and cooler friends.

Taurus
(April 20-May 20)
"Curled up cat looks like meatloaf."
Hooray! We have a happy Taurus this week! Have a good time and don't let any pissy Aries or brooding Cancer ruin it for you. Trust me, they're going to try. Now, with all this happy-dappy time, use it for good, not frivolous evil. I mean, don't shop with your tax return at Anthropology, when you could be investing it in a Green Mutual Fund. Also meaning, if it's a new person you've met or a new turning point with a person you're already seeing, don't start shopping for a wedding dress. Try a romantic dinner--and YOU foot the bill this time. You've had a rough go of it lately in the bull ring, and deserve to have a little fun these days. Don't forget to be sensitive to your friends who aren't quite through the B.S. jungle yet. And really, don't take it personally when they're not as happy for you as you think they should be. I'm happy for you. Really, I am, you stubborn bastard. But not everyone will be.

Gemini
(May 21-June 20)
"You make me want to get married so that I can get divorced and come over and hang out."
Yeah, it seems like all the signs are about cash this week. Must have something to do with tax season. Something's got the twins hung up on the material end. You might have skipped something on your filing, which is making your rebate late. Or someone forgot to pay you, your account froze, leftover retrograde stuff. I'm thinking you drank too much last night and forgot to close your tab. Don't worry--they've still got your card and added 20% gratuity. You'll eventually get what's owed to you, but I feel inclined to warn you--being the chatter box that you are--not to bitch about it too terribly much. Someone may take your "venting" the wrong way and will do their best to aid in further delays.

Cancer
(June 21-July 22)
"I hate men, I hate dating, I hate the idea of being single, I hate the idea of being in a relationship, I hate it all and wish it would all go away."
Not this again. Which one of us is still clinging to some stupid issue from last century? I am so sick of getting this reading, guys. I swear it's not me this time. My head is clear as clean water, so bite me. Did it happen? Yes, it happened. Was it terrible? Yes, it sucked. Is it in the past? YES, GODDAMNIT. Quit with the laments, Romeos and Juliets. Are we looking for apologies and recognitions that we're simply not going to get? Sometimes, we're simply not going to get them. But, when we get over these things and move forward, people like us more and then they buy us drinks. I swear--if I get this reading one more time, I'm trading myself in for an Aquarius. Those kids are so much less obnoxious.

Leo
(July 23-August 22)
"...you somehow knew I didn't have heart insurance."
Something either happened to Leo that was kind of crappy, or something crappy is about to happen that has sent or will send them to their dens to sulk and lick their newly manicured paws. What's the deal? You were awesome last week, as I recall. But now you're beating yourself up for something you think you did. Trust me, you probably weren't that integral in the Jenga tower's fall. I know that hurts even more to hear, but it's true. Or maybe...did you put your wants ahead of the needs of others, and did they go ahead and tend to their needs--as they should have? Time to start over and rebuild, kiddo. You'll feel better in no time.

Virgo
(Aug 23-Sept. 22)
"I have Yoda ears. But sorry, I'm a Virgo."
So, you're feeling stuck and that's annoying you. You're not actually stuck--you're just impatient this week. Yes, you planted the seeds and watered them and checked the light with your little hand-held meter to make sure they had the adequate afternoon rays, but no sprouts yet? Sweetheart, you only planted them yesterday! Okay, Friday, but that was only two days ago. I promise, they're down there germinating their little pods out--don't get in the way. Go read that book on Tibetan Buddhism you've been meaning to get to and chill for a bit. If necessary, you may need to go and add a little plant food to the mix, but not yet. You'll get a big, old signal from the Universe when it's time to act. In the meantime, quit meddling.

Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct 22)
"If you've ever read Chaucer's "The Canterbury Tales" then you are familiar. If not, oh well, come along for the ride anyway."
Ooh....bad Libra moon rising. Sorry, honey. This week's going to suck. You pushed for something too hard and it set your fragile scales out of balance. If you're not laid up in the hospital with three slipped disks, you can actually do something about this to fix it. It's going to require (after your stiff daiquiri) a thorough, objective evaluation of the situation. Call another one of your Air Sign friends to talk you through it, and throw in a Water sign for a feelings check--and a Fire Sign for that stiff daiquiri. The Earth signs are kind of annoyed with you right now, so leave them out of it. A cleansing and overhaul of situation will be required. Remember that nasty stuff is temporary and makes us stronger in the long run. Quit freaking out.

Scorpio
(Oct. 23-November 21)
"And here i was thinking you were talking to ME!!!!!!!"
Oh, and I was. In fact, I was up all night last night just thinking of things to say to you. I really feel like I should be nice to you this week, as all Scorpios in my immediate vicinity have been very sweet as of late. Of course, they want something--but I'm doing okay at the moment and probably have plenty to share. You had or soon will have one of your seasonal epiphanies which will make you feel enlightened and at one with the Universe and at peace with all those around you, blah blah blah. If you left a situation behind, that was a good thing. Now, don't go back to it (why DO you do that, anyway?). Stuff will continue to go well, if you let it. And I do mean IF you let it, and don't start causing chaos again.....

Sagittarius
(November 22-December 21)
" i don't understand the nature of love and relationships at all."
And you never will......(Kidding. You guys aren't so inept.) Ah! Another popcorn reading. Something in the kiln is overproducing the fire sign readings. The eclipse, maybe? You've got a few good things going for you this week, creatively speaking, monetarily speaking. Did you take my advice from last week? If so, you ignored very valuable items like taking me to dinner...but as a whole, stuff seems to be going well. On a personal note, take this slightly easier time and reflect on who you are, what you want, and who you want to be. You've got another turning point coming very soon that has unlimited potential. Make sure you're sound in mind, body and spirit so that you fill this blank canvas with super-awesome-gorgeous things. And take me to dinner, since you've got so much spare change these days. Christ. Don't I do enough for you as it is?

Capricorn
(December 22-January 19)
"When are we going to get together so you can fix all the problems in my life?"
Yeah, something's up in Cappy-land. You didn't address something that annoyed the hell out of you, and that's what's causing your mood swings and migraines. That, and the bottle of wine you polished off in order to deal with said situation. You've waited too long to fix the problem, so now you have to be doubly careful in how you do address it. Don't assume everyone knows what pissed you off. If they do know, they're not going to fix it for you. Don't act expecting a specific result. Believe me, you won't get it. Don't use other people's advice, either. Your own advice is better--just act carefully and consciously. You're in serious danger of making everything worse. Sorry.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb. 18)
"I've done born some water in my time. Who wants to know?"
It's like you're the prince in that Sleeping Beauty story--at the part where he approaches the castle and gets all tangled up in the thorns. But instead of taking out that really cool sword and cutting yourself out, you're standing there scratching your silly head and saying, "How did all these thorns get here? Did I plant them? Was it that awful nasty witch queen again?" (I did NOT. Moron.) Sometimes, things just happen, and sometimes we set up things to just happen. You can look back later and try to figure out how the hell you got yourself into this situation. In the meantime, have those meaningful conversations, fix the problems with the plumbing. Work your way out of this problem in as constructive a manner as possible. You've got a big old nasty dragon to face pretty soon, which you'll have to slay before you can get laid with the Princess, so get the immediate crap fixed now. It's going to be worth it. She's pretty hot.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
"And, do Jewish people go to confession? All the sudden my little religious brain split."
I'm going broke buying all of you fuckers birthday presents. I've collected a lot of Pisces in the past year, and they're all throwing their laid-back, kinda chill, relatively intimate birthday parties at the same time. This is a good time for you, Pisc. Maybe it's your birthday, maybe it's just that time, but you're moving into a new realm, which for most of you has been sorely overdue (and you know it.) Enjoy the changes you're seeing, but know that you won't see the majority of the changes you want for awhile. Time actually moves a lot slower than we think it does in the world of insta-instant. Take this time to not only improve your situation, but yourself, too. Haircuts. Showers. A new shirt, even. Don't forget you when you're fixing your world. The rest of the zodiac thanks me for telling you.

Cue the damn pig.

That's all, folksies!!!

xoxo
C