Sunday, November 25, 2007

Turkey is done...but Sister Mary's Warehouse lives on!!!!

Why shop online or at the mall when you can help your favorite asstrologer nun pay off rehab? Super-cool holiday presents for you and yours!!! Email sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com for further details.

The Full Chart:
Sister Mary Manhattan breaks down the sun/moon/rising and 12 houses to explain why you (or your favorite brat) is such a crazy bitch or bastard!
$40 (or two for $65)

The Cheap Bastard’s Chart:
For the weak of wallet: Sister Mary Manhattan will break down the sun/moon/rising sign...and leave you wanting more, of course. But it’s a start!
$15 (two for $25, but then you really are being cheap.)

The Douchebag Chart:
For the person you’d rather leave off your list all together, but your mom says you have to get them something. Based on carefully calculated zodiac alignment, Sister Mary will explain why this person is so douche-ish—in a funny, informative way that may help them stop being that way.
$10 (two for $15. If you have more than two douchebags in your life, the problem may not be them…)

The Severe Douchebag Chart:
For the person who ONLY deserves coal…explain to Sister Mary exactly what this Severe Douche did to earn the title, and Sister Mary will personally deliver the coal herself.
$FREE. (You provide the coal.)

Welcome to the week of November 25 –December 1…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
When we last left Aries, our favorite Rams were attempting to breathe slowly and evenly to weather their family affairs. It looks as though the coming week won’t provide much relief from irritation. You know what Aries loves? Standing in long lines to buy crap they don’t need during a Gemini moon when people are running their mouths like a flesh and blood web feed. (No, they don’t.) Aries, you may need to up your Prozac to temper your inner-Scrooge. The Holiday season is just beginning, but the booze-drenched parties haven’t. Work on getting some more time for yourself or you’re going to have a mess of friends calling Sister Mary for coal delivery.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
With your home planet still hanging out in balanced Libra, don’t start digging up drama just because you’re bored. The new ADD-fused Sag energy and chatter-box Gemini lunar influences increase the potential of migraines on those people around you, and you really don’t need to be adding to that. This week will provide calm seas, so maybe get a jump on your Christmas shopping now that the Shopping weekend lines are winding down. The Flying Monkeys are warning you, however, not to get distracted by swishy fabrics that make your ass look fabulous when you need to buying pretty guest towels for Grandma.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Thank god you snapped out of that lousy mood. We were all starting to get bored. With Mr. Hyde stuffed back in the Prozac bottle, you’re in a fabulous mood to start your Holiday Binging. Oops. Looks like there are more problems on the homefront. Remember that fight you had with your mom/dad/spouse/cousin/milk man/cable guy/domme? Yeah, you forgot all about that, didn’t you? Well, they didn’t. Start buying flowers because people are ready to kick your flakey ass to the curb. Despite your impulse to share your manic thoughts (which is going to be hard, since it’s your moon causing so much indecisive blah-blah). You’d be better off listening right now.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Most of we Cancers slept through the last four days, and only part of that was the anti-Atkins coma. Mars is dragging its sweet ass out of our sign, which means we still feel like leaving the dishes for the cat to lick clean and feeling like blaming Bird Flu to use our last sick day. The good news is that Month Of Sloth is going to last only a few more days and we’ll get this strange, unusual burst of motivation we haven’t seen since August. Maybe we’ll do the dishes and fix the cabinets ourselves, instead of guilt-tripping an ex-lover into doing it. Maybe we’ll finish writing our thank-you notes for our birthday presents. Whatever it is we finally get around to doing, it’s going to put us in a fabulous mood by week’s end and maybe we’ll throw a party! That would be a nice way to kick off the holidays.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Sister Mary doesn’t want you to panic, but the first part of this week is going to kinda suck. Not really suck. Things are going okay for you, but kinda lousy for everyone around you which (of course) you’re going to be inclined to take personally. You can’t do much about it, although buying lunch for a heart-broken girlfriend might tip the Karma jar in your favor. It’s not going to last long, so don’t go throwing yourself off any bridges in sympathy for your drama-queen friends. It looks like relationships are going to get miraculously healthier by Wednesday or something and you may get called to stick up for a mousy co-worker who got thrown under the bus for something someone else did. (You, maybe?) Keep an eye on it.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Hey, cheer up. Saturn: Planet of Suck is giving you a break this week and it looks like some fabulous new project that thrills, excites and scintillates your senses is going to get thrown in your lap during the first part of the week. Don’t go getting distracted when you start getting panicked phone calls from best friends and old lovers in the middle of the night. Learn the power of the off-button on your cell phone. Not that you’re going to listen to the flying monkeys. We all know you’re going to start freaking out when you remember that you don’t hold the controls to the Universe. Step back and let people make their own mistakes for awhile. How many times do you stubborn bastards have to get this reading? You don’t get anymore this week until you think about these things.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
You must work with a Virgo or something, because you’re also getting some super cool project to play with. Although for most Libras, it looks like more of a home project. Maybe you’re busy getting animated snowmen chained to your fire escape so the little shits two floors up don’t snag them again this year. And like Virgo and Leo, you’re also going to be stuck in some kind of drama pool that you didn’t create and you sure as hell don’t have anyway to drain it. Try some of that patience thing again. If you can’t do that, try some of that marijuana thing again. Something to keep you snoozing on the couch and out of the way. We know you want to help, but you’re in more danger of getting sucked down the drainpipe. Go work on your snowmen.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
So, the sun isn’t in your sign anymore. It happens every year, you nut. At least you still have Mercury in your corner, you can still manipulate people in your favor for the next couple of weeks. Hopefully, you haven’t spent the whole time calculating your move and got some work done for yourself—besides hacking into your partner’s Mastercard account to find out what you’re getting for Christmas. This week will be thoroughly productive for you and if you’ve had unwelcome drama over the past few months, you’ll finally throw up your hands and start meddling with something else. More good news for you—when Virgo, Libra and Leo thoroughly ignore Sister Mary’s advice, you’ll end up getting their super-cool projects when they end up in the psych ward.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Happy Birthday, by the way. Don’t drink too much--this week, anyway. You’re going to have too much work to do to mess with a hangover. Wait, forget what you just heard. Some kind of b.s. is going to drive you to the bar. Seriously, though. Try not to get too blasted although it’s going to be a very tempting course of action. Take deep breaths and try not to strangle any assholes this week. Most of the crap is going to resolve itself by Thursday. Give or take a day or two. Watch how many people you try to boss around. While it’s a lot more fun than handling your own garbage, you don’t have the time for it. Don’t look for accolades for your good behavior. First of all, you’re not that well behaved. Second, The Great Bastard in the sky is paying attention, but He’s the only one.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You know, you keep getting this same reading. It’s a good reading, the Blank Canvas, Life is What You Make It, You’re the Goddess of Your Universe or some crap like that. Why does this keep coming up? Is it because you’re not actually doing anything with your blank canvas? Changes are on the way for Capricorn this week, and it’s the beginning of blossoming or decay, depending on how you work it. Do something good with it because a disheveled Goat is a rancid sight. It’s a great week to watch some Lifetime re-runs and journal your feelings or some shit. Let some stuff go so you can have plenty of room to draw up new, more interesting drama.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Clearly, SOMEONE didn’t listen to their inner cricket…why are you chasing your tail-less ass? You’re not missing out on anything. Aquarius, you must accept the fact that you are indeed the coolest person you know and no where, anywhere else are people having more fun than you’re having. Whether clubbing, tripping, or watching midget wrestling on late-night cable, no one is having more fun than you are. Right now. The Flying Monkeys indicate that you’re going to fall into an uncharacteristic bout of the bitchies this week. Fortunately, it won’t last long. You’ll be friendly and attractive again by week’s end, and may even reunite with a long-lost college sweetheart who didn’t suck as much as you remembered! The holidays are good for that, and they’re only just beginning!

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Well, Intuitive One…you do realize the people asking you for help at the moment are perfectly capable of fixing their own broken lives, but would rather have you do it because they’re lazy rat-bastards? Whether you admit that you’re aware of this or not, try to get something out of it—even if it’s only free lunch. Your survival in the coming week is based solely on your attitude, so try extra hard not to bring out your old standby, “Why bother, we’re all dead in 2012, anyway…” Be careful not to snap at anyone, as you know you’re going to feel super bad about it, later. A necessary departure is coming up by week’s end. Maybe the free-loader is finally off the couch. You know you need to find a better place to find roommates than at the bus station.

Monday, November 19, 2007

SISTER MARY'S HOLIDAY WAREHOUSE!!!!

Mammy Superior delivers a stiff flogging if Gift Giving Season is mentioned even an hour before the turkey is carved, but Sister Mary wants to get a jump on all of your other astrologer nuns….

WELCOME TO SISTER MARY MANHATTAN’S HOLIDAY WAREHOUSE!!!

Perfect for all of your Christmas/Kwanzaa/Hanukah/Solstice needs…

The Full Chart:
Sister Mary Manhattan breaks down the sun/moon/rising and 12 houses to explain why you (or your favorite brat) is such a crazy bitch or bastard!
$40 (or two for $65)

The Cheap Bastard’s Chart:
For the weak of wallet: Sister Mary Manhattan will break down the sun/moon/rising sign...and leave you wanting more, of course. But it’s a start!
$15 (two for $25, but then you really are being cheap.)

The Douchebag Chart:
For the person you’d rather leave off your list all together, but your mom says you have to get them something. Based on carefully calculated zodiac alignment, Sister Mary will explain why this person is so douche-ish—in a funny, informative way that may help them stop being that way.
$10 (two for $15. If you have more than two douchebags in your life, the problem may not be them…)

The Severe Douchebag Chart:
For the person who ONLY deserves coal…explain to Sister Mary exactly what this Severe Douche did to earn the title, and Sister Mary will personally deliver the coal herself.
$FREE. (You provide the coal.)

To purchase or for further information, drop Sister Mary an email at sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com

Welcome to the week of November 18-24!!! As the days get shorter, it leaves more time for cuddling your favorite alignment by the radiator…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
With your home planet finally going into blessed Retrograde…our Aries friends took the opportunity to listen, learn and let their s.o. or buddy or whoever get a word in for once. Their clammed-up position over the past few weeks finally gave way…but, now you’ve got to listen to them. Uh-oh, it looks as though Aries is going to disagree. Practice some of those yoga breaths (you did take a class once, if you recall!) and back away slowly. This one is not worth the battle. The good news is that this frustrating communication (so long as you pull the horns in) will provide the beginnings of better communication in the long run! Bite your lip and let the other person win. This time.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Not a bad beginning for Taurus this week, who is going to have a momentous break-through and solve the climate crisis or something. Maybe you’ll beat Paris Hilton in the founding of the Pachyderm AA group! Whatever it is you do to save the world this week, Taurus, don’t think it’s going to be easy. Inspiration is the easy part, as it turns out. And lots of obstacles are going to pop up like the teen-porn spam in your inbox. The main thing that’s going to screw you up this week will be hasty decisions. Hear that? No eloping, even if you’ve known the person for more than a week. Try super hard to listen to other people’s ideas. A couple of them might actually help you save the world. It’s tough going on your own.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Chaotic events of the past few weeks led to the rare—but not unheard of—Gemini retreat to the bedroom. While this is good for your own sanity, your unshowered body is gathering complaints from neighbors two floors up. Besides, your friends miss you because things are boring without Gemini. They may even disown you. Kind of a worst-case scenario, but why take the risk? Actually, relationship ruptures are pretty likely this week and should one happen, it was probably time and you knew it months ago. Fortunately, this room on your dance card leaves for many new lovers and friends far sexier than the old ones. So-and-so was getting a little doughy, anyway. You were just too nice to say anything. Intentionally.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Well, Mars is still kind of hanging around. The War Planet is in retrograde, which means it’s leaving—thank Goddess. So while we’re finally getting re-attuned to our peaceful, nurturing selves we missed so much, we’re also getting kind of lazy. Remember how we pumped the friggin’ elliptical every night at the gym to bust some of that crazy aggression out? We really can’t give into our sudden bouts of laziness in the season of Mashed Potatoes and Mommy’s pumpkin pie. A bit of depression may come along with the Mars retrograde, since we’re suddenly feeling less creative and less able to kick the asses of the other Cardinal signs. Remember that it’s okay to cry into our red wine, so long as we don’t drink the whole bottle. Try to have some kind of restraint.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Did last week ever improve? Even a little? The Flying Monkeys are saying that yes, indeed, you did stick up that pretty little chin and muscle through the b.s. Good kitty! Now, you promisepromisepromise not to drag last week’s ridiculousness into this one? Pretend the bad things never happened and Sister Mary promises that the Universe will follow suit. You can pout all you want but it’s only going to make us avoid you at the bar. Just be glad you’re not Gemini. Did you read their reading this week? They’re far worse off than you. In fact, go make some money. If you don’t have a job, go panhandle. It will distract you from your problems and then you can go buy something pretty. You like pretty, don’t you?

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
What to say to you, Virgo? Ye who only reads this for avoiding bad news. This week, Virgo, you have the ability to do just that if you just shut up. The annoying situation you currently find yourself in is probably your own doing, but just as likely it’s from a series of chaotic events. You can’t stick your fat nose in it this time. If you do, you’re only going to make it worse. Dust off that rubix cube and distract yourself for twenty minutes while the other helmet-cases try to get out of it. The flying monkeys also think it’s a good time for you to lose the books you know you’ll never re-read, and ditch the beanbag chair. It smells and is keeping you from getting laid. There are other areas of your life that need ass-kicking, and guaranteed, they’re not the areas you’ve been focusing on for the last few weeks.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
With your home planet still where it belongs, with you—pretty Libra—you’ll find that this week, you’re still focusing on romance, friendships, romance, family relations, romance, sex, and romance. It’s cheap entertainment, anyway. Especially if you’ve managed to con the kitten you’re dating into paying. Be careful you’re not so into making the relationships work that you’re compromising yourself into a therapy session. Stand your ground. Don’t foresee devastating break-ups for most Libras this week (although it’s surely happening somewhere), so don’t be afraid to dig your little heels into the concrete. Unless you spent a lot of cash on those heels. Communication will be difficult for you this week. Mercury, communication planet, is still in Stupid Scorpio, which means conversations are going to be weird and stilted. Expect it and let it go.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Continue to hone your plans for world domination. We’re all still running in circles while the Communication Planet is still in your world of double-speak. Ha ha ha…says Scorpio. “I shall align the planets so that it shall ALWAYS be such!!!” Nice try, evil one. Even you are incapable of such a thing. The flying monkeys send a warning—lock up your possessions, your lovers and your kids. The Drama Train is coming your way and plans to knock you on your ass, first. The good news is that while it’s gonna SUCK…it’s also gonna move away the psychic clutter preventing you from getting your shit done. You’ll be glad once it’s over, so take deep breaths and drink heavily in the meantime.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
As you’re making your grand exit out of Weird Thinking Land (brought to you by eighteen months of Planet Jupiter…) keep a watchful eye on your belongings and cash in the coming days. Don’t get so drunk you leave your credit card with the bartender for a week. Watch how many morons borrow dough from you. You’re going to need to be a little more selfish in the coming weeks. Sister Mary has already explained the situation to the Hanukah Fairy, so you won’t come up short on presents this year. Santa, on the other hand, may require some bribery. The reason you need cash is because Planet Suck is bouncing on the great trampoline in the sky. While most of it’s on Virgo, you’re going to feel the ricochet and it’s not going to be pretty. Keep a nice cushion of cash on hand for your Taurus buddies to come bail you out of jail. Hope you’re currently on good terms with all of them.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Avoiding people was a smart move last week, as it kept you in a safe place while the rest of the world went to Hell. Now, since you’re in a position of such strength, now would be a good time to start gathering and garnering your ass-ets. Don’t start bugging your boss for a raise. It’s the holiday season for Christ’s sake! You’re not going to get anywhere with that. But you can start sucking up in a big way. Don’t go cheap on your office holiday presents—but don’t be too extravagant either. The coming New Year will continue to bring you an increase in power and prestige among those who know and love you—and even those who think you’re kind of a shit sometimes. It’s back to that friggin’ blank canvas thing you’ve been getting so much lately. You’re going to take from the world what you put into it, so don’t start out by whining over what you don’t have. You’ll only get whimpering back. Kinda would suck to start the year like that. Start out on top. If you like it that way.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
You nut. While you were off promoting or planning or hunting and executing, something was left undone at the homefront and you’re going to be sleeping on the couch for the next few nights. That’s okay. This wake-up call from your loved ones will bring you much needed clarity and you’ll stop taking your sweeties for granted. Now, you’re going to be required to pick up at least one stinky mess that you didn’t create. It’s your turn, so don’t avoid it. You, like Capricorn, have a blank slate coming in the New Year. Don’t fill it up with cocaine, fill it up with sunshine or some shit like that. Enjoy your holidays, but this time, you’re going to either have to pick up the tab on a few extra cabs or plan to be the designated driver a few times. Other people have picked up your drunk ass enough times.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Take a deep sip from the flask, Senor/ita Pisces. Your upcoming Holiday season will require such action. Expect a mess of emotion to come flying out with the gravy this Thanksgiving and you, again, will be required to be the friggin’ conduit of hope. “All is well!” Pisces will lie. But their extended families will be grateful for such a falsehood. Make sure to take time away from the madness so your blood boils only minimally. Hate to tell you this, but the Great Bastard in the Sky is providing you with another test of patience. Of course, that’s the grand scheme out of all holidays, but this one will prove particularly poignant in taking care of such things. Be the shoulder to cry on and the box that provides the Kleenex. It will come back to you, 69-fold. Sister Mary promises.

Trapped under a filing cabinet....

Sister Mary will return with horrorscopes this evening. Promise.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

A Conversation with a Scorpio...

Below please find a recent conversation between Sister Mary Manhattan and a Scorpio Male:

Scorpio: Wanna hear something insane? I’ve recently thought about becoming an RN.

SMM: Hmmm….where did that come from?

Scorpio: I dreamt I was a doctor. Anyway, I’m slowly shaking that feeling.

SMM: Why shake it?

Scorpio: Because it’s sort of messed up. Imagine you’ve accidentally cut yourself badly, or you were in a serious but non-life threatening accident. And you go to the hospital, scared. And I’m your nurse. Would you trust me with a needle? Or a tongue depressor?

SMM: Are you talking me me, or the General Population Me?

Scorpio: Both

SMM:
General Population Me: yes. As a Scorpio, you come across as calm, collected, in control and knowing more than everyone else. Plus, Scorpios generally want well-being for the general world. They’d like to be in charge of it, though. And they’re usually quite good at it. While their tactics may make us nervous, the General Population trusts your authority. Me me: HELL NO. We have a sordid romantic past which ended with five years of icy silence. As friendly as we are now, I would enter the ER, see your face and panic, knowing your Scorpio tendency to wreak revenge over a deep-seated resentment is quite close to the surface and I wouldn’t let you near me with that f*cking needle.

Scorpio: “Oops, looks like I injected you with Morphine! Nighty night!”

Yes, children. As the days grow shorter and colder, so enters our most simultaneously loved and loathed sign, SCORPIO!

Many a Scorpio has accused Sister Mary of being unduly cruel and vicious to Scorpio in her readings. First of all, please remember that Sister Mary is cruel to all signs. Scorpio only thinks they’re getting the shaft because they’re bunch of paranoid loons, often too focused on what’s “going on with them” to remember that other signs exist.

Ah, well. We all have those tendencies.

Two of the great things Scorpio gave the planet include intensely hot sex and calm, cool revenge. Don’t scoff and think your sign invented the former. We have to give them credit for something and Scorpio’s sign does rule the genitals. And don’t pretend to be appalled by calm, cool revenge. If you had the cash to bribe Mammy Superior into cursing your most loathed ex with a nasty STD, you’d do it. Better yet, go bribe a Scorpio to do it. Your local Scorpio is guaranteed to have a secret library full of occult books and has already highlighted at least seven recipes to suit your needs.

Remember how you were warned not to forget Libra’s birthday? The same holds true for Scorpio. However, you’re not going to have the luck you had of being reminded consistently for a month prior to the date that it’s coming. In fact, they may resort as to burying all personal information with their birth date attached and enjoy watching you hound their relatives for a clue about it. They’ll pretend they don’t care, but very much want to have their five closest friends arrive (they keep their intimate numbers small) with wine and fancy delicacies to watch a highly intellectual film of some sort—probably something with a dirty, yet tasteful, flavor to it.

Mistake it not, your Scorpio likes to party. But they also like to get away from it all, and make it very clear who is on their short list of acceptable people to let into the house.

In the nature of things being meticulous, organized, focused and All About Scorpio…read the following list of instructions should you ever find a Scorpio in your social circle or household.

Things you should do around a Scorpio:

-Tell them they’re awesome, but not if it’s coming out of your ass. They’ll know. Scorpios come across as quite secure of themselves, but like reassurance, and don’t like to be lied to.

-Ask their advice. They like to help. Be prepared for rather cryptic advice that may only make sense on your next shroom trip. At least it’s in there.

-Tell them about your sexcapades. Even if you’re dating them, they’ll want to hear all about what you did before you met them. Give them every sexy, steamy, sticky detail.

-Bring them small, homemade gifts—particularly if it has a secret meaning only the two of you will know. It will create a glow in their beady little eyes.

-If you work with a Scorpio, partner with them. They’re planning to run the company first, then the world, and they’ll give you lots of money, land and servants if you help them achieve what they’re looking for. So long as it doesn’t conflict with their agenda, they will be consistently supportive of yours.

-Sleep with them. They go all night and they’re extremely attentive to what makes you happy. It strokes their ego to get you off, so everybody wins!!!

Things you should NEVER do to a Scorpio:

-Make them jealous. They’re already jealous. They’re naturally jealous creatures. They’ll plot your death.

-Touch their IPod. In fact, don’t touch any of their shit, but DEFINITELY not the IPod. Scorpios love technology, first of all, and probably went into debt getting a bootleg version of their current IPod, one yet to be released to the public. Second, their IPod has a meticulous arrangement of songs that suit each moment of the oncoming day and if you mess up 11:14 a.m. Coffee Break Interlude, it will throw them out of alignment/attunement. They’ll plot your death.

-Even REMOTELY allude to the possibility that you’ve ever, ever, EVER had sex that was even in the same universe as good as what you had with Scorpio. Even if that’s a lie, don’t tell them that. They’re very sensitive. Even though they say it’s okay, they’ll be quite sad and later, they’ll plot your death.

-Touch their significant other without their expressed, written consent. A handshake may require a visa. If you do such a thing, particularly if you sleep with their significant other without this expressed, written consent, the Scorpio may feign forgiveness and simulate understanding, but you can be assured that they will plot your death.

-Cheat on them without their expressed, written consent. They may very well deliver their consent—they get kinky that way. They may even want to select the person with whom you stray. Expect to be asked to deliver a full report with specific details. But if straying is a no-no with your Scorpio, or if you pick someone your Scorpio disapproves of, leave the continent. They will plot your death.

-Tell any Scorpio what Sister Mary is about to tell you: they are beautiful, sexy creatures with more depth and wisdom than most of the rest of us have. Their crazy minds are too big to fit on this tiny planet which is why the rest of us can’t figure them out worth a crap. If you tell any Scorpio what you’ve just read, Sister Mary will plot your death.

Happy birthday to Anasua, Larissa, Maggie, Margaret Dodge, Heather, Misha, Velocity, Oliver and Mr. Ross!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sister Mary does like you and some of you, very much so! Don’t tell anyone.

Welcome to the week of November 11-17!!! As the days get shorter, it leaves more time for cuddling your favorite alignment by the radiator…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
With your home planet still kicking it in Cancer—and the fact that this season has provided one randy debacle after another—Aries kids can be found curled up in front of the television with their shmoopy, if they’ve got one, or just their blankie, if they don’t. Aries, now is a good time to hide from the crazy world out there—especially since it’s cold now and you can’t go backless to the club. Why go out, if you can’t do that? Aries is going through a change right now, and if you got through puberty and you’re pretty sure the hot flashes are due to crappy steam heat, it’s probably some kind of personal thing your therapist has been trying to get you to grasp for at least three sessions now. My flying monkeys say this has something to do with the shmoopy currently drooling on your shoulder. Be nice to your friends and lovers if you’ve got ‘em. Some kind of disappointment may show up at the end of the week (making room for opportunity!!! Don’t get growly!!!), and you’ll need the loving hugs and cold beer provided by those who love you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Now, with YOUR home planet safe in the arms of balanced and friendly Libra, things probably won’t suck for you this week in Romance land. Even if you’re not getting laid with all the hot kittens you’ve been pining for, you’ve finally come to accept this as your fate, particularly when you look around and see multitudes of couples attempting to gnaw each other’s eyes out. Frankly, it’s a better use of your time for you to be keeping an eye on things on the job. Your cube-mate is tracking your G-Chat hours. You may have to (crap…) try to get to work a little earlier, or better yet, sneak back in an 5:45, and catch the spying cube-mate wanking off to kiddie porn or something. Balance out the blackmail. Actually, if you catch your cube-mate looking at kiddie-porn, kill the bastard. Or get him fired, anyway. Your G-Crack hours will be forgiven and you’ll have a blissfully quiet cube all to yourself for awhile!

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Ick. Gemini is in the land of Suck where romance is concerned. Let’s hope it’s one of those “growing things” and won’t last long. But if you’ve felt recently that your partner’s entrance into a room brings a psychic prison door clang as well, maybe you need to take a little walk to the park and get some space. If you don’t have a honey, and you’re still stalking your married neighbor, maybe you need to take a break from that as well. Do you know what bad news usually portends in the Universal Book of Truth that Sucks? Bad news usually portends more bad news, and if you’re having problems at home, they’re going to double when it turns out that your upstairs neighbor passed away blissfully in his/her sleep last night. Unfortunately, that neighbor was also kind of senile and forgot they were doing the dishes when they went to bed. Running water, symbolic or actual, may cause your kitchen ceiling to fall through. Be nice to your partner, or on the flipside, don’t look suspicious to your neighbor’s spouse. In either case you’re probably going to need to call on them for help.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Yep, Mars is still here. Until the end of the calendar year, which means New Years is going to be awesome!!! We’ve been hiding away too much in the last few weeks, but damn. It’s really cold outside. Fortunately, we’ve brought out our cozy, comfy sweaters and have been burning scented candles to get rid of Sister Mary Queens’ cigar odor. Our homes are neat and tidy, which means we have no choice but to stop ignoring our personal lives. Instead of waiting for people to come and invite us out for beer and nachos, we may have to call them. This is doubly important and here’s why: we have a nasty disruption of our own, that may cause icky stomach discomfort. Hopefully, it was only Friday’s take-out. But if it’s not, we may have to team up with Gemini, who’s likely going to be on this crash course with us. Despite the chatter, they’re good in a crisis.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
You’re just not taking well to anything these days, are you? Sister Mary is wont to blame the Scorpio influence, but she’s ALWAYS blaming the Scorpio influence. Leo, who is so easily affected by the bullshit around them, needs to learn when to shut off the cell phone, close the chat window and turn off the television. Just getting evening news previews makes you start to plan how you could jump in a little plane and go pass out sacks of rice, and cry when you realize you’re down to half a box of Uncle Ben’s and aren’t getting paid until Thursday. Leo, you simply cannot take on the UN’s missions alone. Even if you give up your job and all your possessions and get yourself overseas, you’ll only be able to put a little bandaid on a much bigger problem. The same goes for the life of those around you! Little bandaids are helpful. Don’t forget to put them on the things in your own life as well.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Well….SOMEONE (Virgo…) didn’t take Sister Mary’s advice last week and is finding themselves running into that damn brick wall again. While it’s good that you’ve listened and tried to judge fairly, your head is getting in the way of your gut again and that’s why the brick wall looks like a yellow brick road. It’s not an acid flashback. They lied to you about those. Look around and find out if getting everyone to listen to you is really important. Do you need them to do what you say, or do you simply need a place to vent? Before you have a stroke or get a broken nose, talk to a trusted friend and let go of the things you can’t do anything about. Most things will improve on their own.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Yay, Libra! All this change has done fabulous things for your home and your appearance. You feel like a new person now that you’ve gone red, and think Cribs is retarded for not putting your apartment on the show. (Here’s a hint: they’re not into IKEA and potpourri. Get a naked chick to swim in your fish tank and maybe it’ll sell.) But, hey! You’re going to have another breakthrough this week! It turns out that the nails and the hair and the eco-friendly washer/dryer combo didn’t actually change the YOU part of you, and for that, we’re all grateful. Now, if you’re going after Buddhism to get those changes you desire, understand that it may take several lifetimes to reach enlightenment. Maybe take some Reiki courses—you can be a master in 3 weeks or something! But if you’re having trouble rushing enlightenment or your local Reiki instructor is out of town on a Raw Foods retreat for a bit, stay calm and don’t get icky. We love you as you are, and your hair does, by the way, look spectacular.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Sun in Scorpio, a new moon in Scorpio? Are you trying to kill us? It’s a complicated time for the rest of us, but Scorpios are reveling in their own cosmic energy, garnering strength and kicking ass all across the Cosmos. Now, for the frustrating news. The chaos your sign brings is making everyone else insane. Suddenly, you’re the recipient of sobbing phone calls, you’re breaking up fights (what? You???) at the bar. With power comes the responsibility of having to deal with other people’s garbage. Don’t get worried if you don’t know how to help those around you. Pay attention to what it is they’re not saying. Aren’t you supposed to be the psychic one? Go read one of those books on constructive communication and make a power-point presentation for all of your friends. They may not find it helpful, but any excuse to get people to bring liquor to your house is a good thing. Maybe everyone will get drunk and start screwing one another. Now, THAT, they’ll thank you for.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Not that you’d ever admit it…but you’re pretty damn upset about something. You got dumped, or dumped someone you kinda thought was cool, or your roommate got sent back to Bulgaria…whatever the case. You’re pretty sorry you had to see that someone go. We all know you’re upset, little Sag. You’re wasting your breath when you lie! While you’re drawing up that Craig’s list ad, understand that the immigration department gave you a gift when they deported your mail-order “bride.” Not only does it open the doors to meet new cool people, you’ve got even more cool stories to share at the Moth! Now, if these glorious new cool people don’t show up, or if you don’t get your name drawn, don’t be sad. It wasn’t meant to be. However, the flying monkeys are pleased to report that there is a new partnership on the way for Sag. Whether business or pleasure, be sure to get back to us with juicy details.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The death of Norman Mailer has affected many of us Capricorn, but you’re acting as though no one will ever publish a book again. True, the movement to the Pod and the Web means more stuff to read is electronic, but that doesn’t warrant cutting up your library card. Yet. Unless you’ve got a good line on Jesus (let me know if you do, he has my shoes), there’s no chance of bringing the old bastard back to life. And there will be other writers, and maybe one of them will live up to one of your merciless standards. Until that genius appears and pleases you, they say Rowling is coming out with a new series.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Congratulations! You win the sexiest sign award this week! Someone who blew you off awhile ago is back to kiss your ass, sweep you off your feet and carry you away to the backseat of the car. Now, be sure this person doesn’t just want what’s left of your checking account. The last time YOU checked, there wasn’t much to see, there. Actually, it looks as though this person has good things to share with you. Even if it’s not sex, they may have other presents for you. Or, they’ll take the place of your gassy-roommate who’s still not caught up on February’s rent. They’re here to help you and you’ll have a good time. Let this be a warning not to get distracted and run away with the circus when this friend comes to town. You won’t get a third chance.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Slowly coming back to earth brings the dry heaves and the bends. You’d much prefer to go curl up under the radiator with the cat and wait for the bad things to disappear. The truth is, Pisces, the bad things you ran away from simply aren’t there. The flying monkeys want you to know that there are delicious opportunities sitting outside and purring for you, but they’ll wander away if you don’t run out there and pick ‘em up. However, in these opportunities, it’s important not to bring the past of “Boy, that sucked,” or the ignorant “It’s going to be perfect!!!” along with you. Understand that there are parts of both in both and that you’re not alone in any of it. Take your time and enjoy the dance.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

And...we're back!!!!

Ah, the retrograde has passed at last…so if you’re still finding yourself returning phone calls without promptness, rolling into work disheveled and hungover, crashing computers with illegal downloads and copious pornography—the only heavenly body you can blame is your own. The gloriously sinister Scorpio moon is a great time for garnering power. The Libra moon will keep you in balance, however, so that you don’t end up turning yourself into a great Lord/Lady of Destruction. While you’re twitching your mustaches over this one, don’t forget to make your weekend plans!!!

The Ass-tro Hour with Sister Mary Manhattan
Sat 11.10 @ 9PM Stain Bar
(766 Grand Street, Brooklyn. Take the L to Grand—walk one block west)
$FREE
www.stainbar.com

This month: the Scorpio Birthday Party! You don't have to be a Scorpio to show up, but if you are a Scorpio, you DEFINITELY should because you'll get all the attention you crave, plus there will be a cake! Special guests Jennifer Glick will read Cosmo's Bedside Astrology Guide and Larissa Fuchs of Gemini and Scorpio will speak on the art of Scorpio seduction. Co-Hosted by Hymen: The Demon Puppet of Awesome.

Welcome to the week of November 4-10!!! Sister Mary missed you dreadfully…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Slow and steady wins the race, right? Yeah. Sure. Try to tell an Aries that. In fact, try and tell that to anyone who just finished running the New York marathon. Actually, don’t try and tell an Aries that. The steam will increase and blow their ears right off. Actually, Aries, you’ve had to put that annoying theory to the test this year and drum your fingers while watching the paint dry on your masterpiece. The good news is that the Great Bastard in the Sky will be supplying you with a special helper on this long-winded journey. Don’t do your Aries thing and fold up. This person or persons, no matter how “special” they may be, will supply some much needed inspiration to finish that goddamn project. You’ll probably need to buy these helpers dinner, so don’t spend too much money on bootleg DVDs this week.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Maybe it’s you who’s supplying Aries’s inspiration! It kind of looks as though they’re going to run off with it, so you’d better cash in on that dinner arrangement. Actually, whatever you’re stuck on has to do with your still analyzing why the July Cape Cod fling in June never called. It wasn’t Vegas or anything. You should have at least gotten an email, right? Taurus, you’re tailspinning in something that’s not important and it means your flashes of brilliance are coming through kinda dim and icky-smelling. Stop being cranky about things not going your way and go buy a new outfit. Get some kick-ass boots to go with it so you can appropriately kick some ass, which you’re going to have to do come week’s end. Be ready—in style.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Oh, you poor thing. Some kind of door had to be closed this week for Gemini. That’s right. You may have had to fire a dozen or so of your lovers which makes you sad, because they were so much fun in the sack—even if they turned out to be such randy skanks of human beings in the real world. That’s okay. You learned that one only needs three or four kind-hearted, sweet and loving bedmates and not a football team of flakey ones. Sister Mary sees in the cauldron some type of disruption toward the end of the week, so whether that’s a flat tire, a terrible cold, a terrible rash or simply a minor mental breakdown, this so-called moment of bad luck will give you the chance to survey what is lovely and delicious about your life and the opportunity to figure out ways to multiply that. Attempt to focus, You of the ADD Tendencies. Helpful bad luck doesn’t always come as often as we’d like.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
With Mars STILL in our realm, it’s safe to say that Cancerians STILL aren’t fully fit for human interaction. A more sane world would provide Cancerian Spas for times when the War Planet is taking a dump on our heads—a place for Cancerians to do mud masks, eat comfort foods and take things far too personally, far away from the rest of society. However, we don’t live in that sane world. Cancerians still have to get their crabby asses out the door and to the job. Like Gemini, we too are going to run across a helpful distraction. If we are in the car with the Gemini when the tire goes flat on the side of the spooky, scary freeway, we will need to take this moment to close our eyes and ears to the Gemini panic-chatter and go within to our happy place. Cultivate warm, fuzzy feelings from within and attempt to bring them closer to the surface. Once we get through the first streak of Helpful Bad Luck, we’re going to run across some Less Than Helpful Bad Luck which may just send us into a weeping coma if we’re not ready for it.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
The week will start out rather quiet for our frisky Leos, who are probably still nursing themselves back to sobriety after their Halloween festivities. It is safe to say that you, Leo, were definitely the sexiest cat in the place. But something happened at this party that made you want to return to your safe little place beneath the couch, but you’re being good and getting that upper lip as stiff as can be! This is a good time to ignore the want-to-be-helpful-but-kinda-make-it-worse people who will pepper you with unwanted advice. Instead, take a few words from the guy asking for cash in a paper cup on the sidewalk. He’s the one who has all the answers. The unlikely piece of wisdom you find may bring you to sniffles and tears, but you needed to get it out anyway. No sense turning mildewy on the inside.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Oh, goody! Not only is Virgo wading through the frustrations inherit when Saturn comes to play, but now Venus is making a visit as well! This doesn’t (necessarily) mean, Virgo, that you’re going to get dumped or stood up or matched with someone lame at a Speed Dating meet-up. It does mean, however, that your chronic analyzing will be turned to matters of the heart. When the little cartoon hearts are suddenly nowhere to be found, it’s a good time to sit and look into that magic mirror (Mammy Superior has one. I can arrange for you to borrow it, if you want.) and concoct the perfect person to ride up on horseback. Ignore for a second that you probably live in a place where horses aren’t around, that you don’t quite believe in magic mirrors and that Mammy Superior scares you. You, Virgo, are taking the beauty out of your reading by analyzing it too much. Just try the magic mirror—even if it’s only the one in your head. Someone unbelievably sexy will look back at you.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Well, the moon being in your sign this week is good for the majority of people—we’re going to pick up on your naturally sympathetic, let-it-go, shop until you drop the blues mentality. It’s not great for you, however, because you’re going to take even longer than usual deciding between pumpkin spice and eggnog lattes. Yeah, your moon is going to provide some rancid indecision. But, as it seems to be the theme through the cosmos this week, you’re also going to experience a breakthrough which will help you decide on at least one of the issues at present. Then, of course, you’re going to freak out and wonder if the tattoo can be removed or changed. Maybe you shouldn’t have put your lover’s initials on your forehead? Maybe somewhere more discreet? Take some time to be alone with your tattoo (this is symbolic for “decision”) and accept that it’s been made and can’t be changed. Chances are you’re going to grow to love your lover even more than the weird tattoo on your forehead. You can always grow bangs.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Whether you’ve been characteristically hiding from the celebrations surrounding your birth, or whether you’re actually allowing yourself to enjoy them this year, you are wise to keep your eye on the barfly chatting up your boy/girlfriend. Your sign makes everyone feel more powerful and sexier. Of course, you’re Scorpio and knew this was coming long before. Sucks to be psychic, doesn’t it? Cancerians understand. Some people might call us all paranoid, but we all know better. Anyway, watch out for dropped calls and miscommunications. You’re still getting the Karmic backlash for allowing Mercury to Retrograde through your sign. You can say it’s not your fault, but you’re going to be blamed for it, anyway. Careful who you get pissed at in the coming days. More people are likely to delete your from their Facebook, as your sign also brings the tendency to mistake friends for douchebags.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Ah, endings endings are no fun. Endings, endings, drink some rum. This time, you’re too tired from the drama to even give the situation another try. It’s a quality many a Taurus, Capricorn and (eek) Cancerian could learn from—we who never let anything go. It’s a good time to go manic and clean out the stacks of moldy dirty mags—some so dirty even Sister Mary isn’t allowed to mention them. Fortunately, your last few weeks with Jupiter in your sector is keeping you mindful of that super-annoying “big picture.” That’ll help you through this particular ending, but may make you come across as an aloof asshole. It’s not true, but other people might get pissy with you for it. Your next phase (don’t ask me when it starts. My flying monkeys are taking a wee.) is going to be whatever you want it to be. Which is deftly cool. Make sure you fill that void with something delicious.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The Scorpio time is a confusing one for our pragmatic, down to earth Goat friends. People are acting all shady, feels as though everyone is talking in riddles. You are not alone in your frustration. Some of us like the chaos. Capricorn doesn’t. But the world (this time) isn’t gearing up to make you miserable. The Universe is giving you a blank slate to keep you quiet for a little while. Use it to draw something pretty and make this time into something fabulous. Unfortunately, this mumbo-jumbo Scorpio time is going to make some kind of communication confusing on the home front. Be sure to use extra-small words with your partner. However, even in the midst of plate-throwing and rolling-pin injuries, some kind of clarity is going to come through. Yay! You get your own breakthrough to take home with you! Use it wisely and do NOT allow it to seed more drama. Watch a soap, if you need distraction that badly.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
This is not like you, Aquarius. Must be the Scorpio influence. Now YOU’RE not getting over something that should have been gotten over, like, an eon or two ago. Now, your drastic action is to run away run away run away. This is a very bad idea. You’ll hurt someone’s feelings and even though you’ll forget it ever happened, they’re not likely to forget and won’t want to play with you when you call them next month to see what’s up. The next word from the cauldron (well, wordS) says DON’T BE HASTY YOU CRAZY NUT. It only looks as though you’re getting a shorter reading this week. That’s because you only have one message.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Some kind of sadness and strife came to visit our fish friends this week. Pisces, whether it was you who left the cigarette burning while you took a nap or your neighbor…you’ve been wandering around picking up the pieces of what used to be your life. This happens often for Pisces, so you usually keep super-glue handy. Now, you get your very own breakthrough as well! That’s terribly exciting. Use it to move forward and change stuff up—don’t do your usual thing of sitting there and staring at this new jewel of knowledge and doing nothing about it. You’re going to have to be strong in the coming days as some knucklehead is going to crawl out the woodwork and screw with you during your vulnerable time. Kick ‘em in the nuts, if you have to. If you insist on being passive, at least give them the finger before you walk away. You heard it here first, Pisces.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Ah, alas...

The journey to save the Irish from sobriety is over. While Sister Mary worships the holy detox tea to recouperate, she asks for your patience for the long delay.

Horrorscopes will be posted in the morning.

xoxo
SMM