All things are temporary....

Hello all!

It is with a touch of sadness that I announce that I am retiring AstrologyExplained. It's become clear that I simply cannot keep up with weekly astrological forecasts, as delightful as they may be.

I started this blog as a way to break a writer's block, and break it I did (knock on wood)! Thanks to the blog, I've started a number of projects--but those projects need my attention now. :(

I am still available for charts and Tarot readings (readings can be done by phone if you are not in the NYC area) Please contact me at sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com if you're interested!

Thanks to everyone who followed this blog and who donated their funds when I threw tantrums. I hope to have more things in print soon to appropriately horrify you!

Love,
Courtney
aka Sister Mary Manhattan

Still stuck in Sucktrograde....

But the Computer EMT unit is coming to the Convent this weekend!!!

Many thanks, sinners!!!

The Effects of Sucktrograde....

Sister Mary's computer caught a nasty virus last night, and she only has this fleeting moment at Mother Superior's modem to say she's sooooooo sorry the horrorscopes are late! She hopes to get you a forecast this week, but if not, she'll have an even more stellar one for you next week!

xoxo
SMM

This week!!!!!

Oh, the masses are back and Sister Mary couldn’t be more pleased to see you! We hope you don’t mind that the Monday forecast has been switched to Wednesdays. This is to honor the oft-forgotten Hump Day, and also to give Sister Mary a bit more flexibility to attend Sunday evening Pilates classes, following the Mass. Her loins grow stronger by the day!

Now, you must have noticed that all things electronic and communicative wise are quickly going to shit. This is because Mercury has begun her oh-so-ungraceful waltz backwards through the Cosmos, through what is known as a Retrograde (or for clarity’s sake…Sucktrograde.). Be very, very careful over the coming weeks not to assume anything will get anywhere on its own. Emails will be lost, calls dropped, IPods mysteriously comatose. Never fear! It shall abate by Halloween. Meanwhile, read on to see what the mysterious Universe has in store for you!!!

Welcome to the week of September 24-30!!!

Aries (March 21-April 20)
Follow this advice: take the Holy lunch bag, crunch up at the top, bring to mouth. Inhale and exhale from bag, dramatically. Preferably at a family function or in 8:00 a.m. mandatory staff meeting. Not only will this get you the attention you’ve been sorely craving for the past three days, but it will alleviate the desire to throw chairs. Your already sordid relationships are strained to their maximum, and people are getting a teensy bit tired of you giving all the orders. Never mind that you are indeed better at things than most people. They need the Universal reminder by letting shit fall to pieces by not listening to you. Next week, people will be more inclined to do what you say. Now, just breathe into the bag. Very good.

Taurus (April 21-May 20)
Taurus doesn’t like change. In fact, Taurus thinks everything was just fine. Even if something wasn’t perfect, it should have changed on Taurus’s terms. Now that chaotic Pluto is doing some kind of shift up there, Taurus is mad. Pluto did not consult the Bulls, first. Now, here’s the good news. The roommate up and left (even if Taurus was not fond of the roommate—the roommate did make good coffee). This means Taurus has full use of the bedroom, now. No longer will they be kept awake by awkward noises from the other side of the room. Money will be tight without the extra rent check, but Taurus can now build a meditation area to soothe the worries from the new void. Taurus will grow to like it and probably develop a rash when the new person arrives. Maybe you ought to consider deleting the Craig’s List posting—until after Halloween, anyway.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The pull of shifting Pluto is making you reach for your scalp to pull out what’s left of your luscious locks. You weren’t ready for the summer play-time to end. Families and significant others needneedNEED YOU. Responsibility just doesn’t rhyme with fun. In fact, it doesn’t rhyme with anything. Oh, Gemini. You may actually have to roll up your sexy, gauzy sleeves and get in the muck of it for the next few weeks. If you’re in a relationship, expect that the feeling of smothered to return, briefly. Make sure it doesn’t involve strangulation. If it does involve being strangled, knee the person in the crotch and get the fuck out. If it does not involve the strangle, just politely ask for space. Of course your partner will get nervous, but they’ll try harder to please you in bed when they come back around. It all works out in the long run.

Cancer (June 21-July 20)
Cancers spent all summer cooking at the BBQs for everyone they know. Now, they’re paying for it in gym memberships and overdoses of Vitamin C. Cancers, everywhere—now is time to stop the frivolous spending of the summer and put away the ice cream. Okay, never mind the ice cream. But maybe try making your pizza instead of ordering it. We Cancerians need to take care of ourselves as most of us are probably hosting the whole fam again over the holidays. If we’re not doing the hosting, at the very least we’re making all the runs to the airports, or shelling all the crabs again for the imperials. Don’t be going sneezy into Aunt Flora’s Kwanzaa celebrations….yes, it’s early for Kwanzaa. But we Cancerians incubate awhile and don’t get over things…anythings…with speed or ease.

Leo (July 21-August 20)
You, Leo, need to stop letting the Cancerians wait on you and help Gemini rake the yard. Clean out your gutters, if you haven’t already. Your lazy summer days are over, but most Leos can still be found clinging to their comforters and whining, “Make it go away!!!” But before you do anything hasty just to make it go away, realize that you may cause a boomerang effect. What you toss aside now may likely creep back up onto your stoop at a time you’d least likely to see it return—like when you’re stumbling home from a show at 6 a.m., with a new hottie tucked in your arm. Stop ignoring arguments and make amends with even those you’d rather never see again. Trust Sister Mary, Pluto is going to have the Great Subway Blast effect, and blow everything right back in your face. Make sure it smells like roses!!!

Virgo (August 21-September 20)
Financial crisis? Romantic explosions? Terrifying new prospects in the nation’s leadership? Eh. Virgo shrugs. All run of the mill stuff of the sign squashed by Saturn for the past year. And they’ve still got a year to go, so don’t plan on whining about any of your issues to a Virgo. They will have it worse and won’t be afraid to (bluntly) tell you so. Yeah, Virgo, it’s another week of bad money, miscommunication and traffic jams in Virginland. Good luck to all you, keep your sacred flask handy. No nun will judge you for it. This just in from the cauldron…oops! More disruption. Oh, Virgo. Whatever form your crappy weekend takes, jumping from a bridge is the a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Saturn will eventually leave and start crapping on your Libra friends. Loosen the noose, you’re making us all nervous.

Libra (September 21-October 20)
Venus made a graceful bow in your sign last week, giving lots of love to one of her favorite kids (she likes you just as much as she likes Taurus), but her moving on left you with lots of deep insecurities. Again. Frankly, this is going to be the case for Libras over the next few months as Venus begins a new, two year journey. Relationships will mix and match and even swing, which is something Libra will not be into. Libra, the good news is that even through this change and these murky moments, Venus is giving you the opportunity to grow into an even better set of scales than before, even more accurate and flattering—at the same time! You’ll be much prettier than your Taurus friends when all is said and done.

Scorpio (October 21-November 20)
Comb the hair and done the lipstick, you’ve got to seduce everyone from the boss to the bodega owner. With Pluto making its move, it’s a good time to get you out of your cave and get you running to make yourself big and powerful. Seduce, seduce, seduce…that is your starting point. All other greatness comes from that. This is a great week to get your money in order, so you can buy your Cancerian friends and lovers more expensive gifts than the IOU’s you scribbled on cocktail napkins last year at Solstice. Just kidding. We’re not that bent out of shape about it.

Sagittarius (November 21-December 20)
Two words for you: QUIT and MOPING. Put them together and you’ll start to smile. Well, not really, but it’ll put you in a healthier frame of mind and maybe your girlfriend/boyfriend(s) will stop the broken record recording of ‘Honeywhat’swrong?Honeywhat’swrong?Honeywhat’swrong?’ These last couple of years have been taxing on Sagittarius—forcing them to think about the meaning of their lives and their place in the world. Thank goddess that’s almost over, so they can resume their comfortable, brainless position at the Wii.

Capricorn (December 21-January 20)
You can’t be the prettiest in the board room this week. Well, you can, but no one is going to notice because your place will be behind the Power point projector, not in its glowing amber light. This is the week for Capricorns to do the unappreciated, the icky and the unfun. It’s all part of the karmic balance, and you’ll be back around in no time with new fun stuff to do and glamour to show for it. Your hard work may end up getting you a raise (although even the grandest planetary bodies can’t fight this current economic debacle), which means you can buy more diamonds.

Aquarius (January 21-February 20)
If you have the ability (i.e., you didn’t spend all your money on comic books and your car actually works this week) to get out of town, now is the time to do it. You’re in danger of spontaneous combustion—moreso than usual! Actually, the Universe is demanding that you raise your perspective. So, seek higher ground, even if you can’t afford an airplane ticket. Even just a hike across the bridge will give you a better appreciation of the water. 

Pisces (February 21-March 20)
Pisces has been trying to get closer to something that simply seems impossibly far away. Whether or not Pisces is in a relationship, the object of their affection is just one step (or in some cases, many-many-many…) too far away. You may simply be meant to walk this part of your path alone, and that’s not such a bad thing. First of all, you won’t have a partner bugging you for cash. Two, you’ll learn a few things in your solitude that will make you far more attractive when the person finally pulls their head out of their ass and comes back to you. Give it a shot.

News News News.....

Hello all,

AstrologyExplained will now be published on Wednesdays instead of Mondays. Yes...this means you have to start your week off in darkness and morbid confusion. But it'll put a refreshing turn on the phrase "hump-day"!!!

xoxo
SMM

SISTER MARY HAS RETURNED!!!

Ah…Sister Mary has returned!

Yes, my darlings! Thank you SOOOO much for your patience during SMM’s sabbatical. She took that time to rest, recuperate and learn a bit more about the star patterns. The Great Bastard in the sky has a WILD autumn heading this way, so do keep up on your Prozac and Bourbon. Goddess knows both will be supremely necessary.

It’s the week of September15-21! Welcome to autumn!!!

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Schedule time with the couple’s therapist this week. Your reigning planet is standing directly across the table from lovely Venus—shaking a pissed off hoof in her fickle face. You may think you’re saying to your partner, “But Honey, you don’t look fat at all in that tube top…” but your partner is going to hear, “SWINE!!!!!” Yep. Not only is Venus totally NOT in your favor this week, the beginnings of the Mercury in Sucktrograde will make it nearly impossible to talk sense into anyone. Stock up on flowers and chocolates and try not to talk unless to alert someone of a fire.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Now, your pretty home planet of Venus is moving in with your friend Libra this week. That’s good news! Your Libra friends (however co-dependant and pushy…) are great with relationships. So, if you’ve had your eye on the cute little red-head you’ve known for a million years, now is a good time to take them out and say, “I like you. Let’s shag and then live in sin for awhile with the possibility of entering the time-honored and occasionally oppressive institute of marriage someday.” It’s a good week for love for Taurus. Don’t get stuffy and think these people need to come to you. Taurus, it’s time for you to get off your ass and go after the hottie. Sister Mary has spoken.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
If you need to get anything taken care of verbally or contractually, do it before the 24^th, Gemini. Anything you attempt to do legally or contractually between 9/24 and Halloween will fall under the realm of King FUBAR (and he’s kind of a bastard). This is because Mercury in Sucktrograde traditionally messes with chatty Gemini more than most of the signs. If you’re dating someone, know this Sucktrograde in Libra will mess with your partners at home more than your partners in business. Sign your pre-nup, now.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Our Moon is doing all kinds of wacky dances on our psyches this week. Because the Moon is going to land in Pisces, Aries, Taurus AND Gemini, we will need to work through our social phobias (Gemini), need to buy 80’s memorabilia ala Gem and the Holograms or Teddy Ruxpin on Ebay (Taurus), need to have a public outburst including lots of tears with the co-worker who is a real brown-nosing douche (Aries), and need to find out who loves us—really loves us (Pisces). It’s a heavy week. Most of this stuff can fortunately be worked out in dreams, so keep a journal by the couch you crash on. Journaling is fun. It’s a book all about you. Pull that old notebook out from beneath the mattress and get to work analyzing yourself. Nobody else cares enough, do they, Cancer? They just don’t get it.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
This is a good week for you, Leo. If you start out needing additional caffeine and Red Bull at the beginning of the week, you’ll find that by the end of the week you’ll be like the fern—drawing lots of energy from the environment around you. Watch your money, and watch your health. Many Leos have had health problems earlier this week and tried to ignore their fevers and vomitorium episodes with more beer. This was a poor, although hilarious, choice. But the astrological energies will show up with goods a plenty by the weekend, so take Monday-Wednesday off from the club.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You know how this last year has been on the sucky side of crappy? Well, that’s Saturn’s fault. Guess what? You still have another year. Word of the Prophet SMM says try to find a way to make a little money on the side—whether it’s a little housecleaning, doing a Craig’s List clearance, or selling your body to MIT drug analysts. If you really want to make the most of this time, make a list of all the things you’ve gained in the past year. Despite Saturn’s bastardly arrival, you probably had at least one or two cool things happen to you. Making this little list (alphabetized or whatever you end up doing) will make you less likely to sit and moan on the couch, looking like a dork.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

This past week should have been awesome for you. If it wasn’t totally full of love and sex and horse-drawn carriages, you’re shagging the wrong dude or chick. Venus is hanging out on your astrological couch, beginning a new two-year cycle and starting with you! This is a perfect time for lovey-dovey Libra to shack up with the right person. If it doesn’t look good, romance-wise, you need to cut, run and restart the Match.com profile. Take advantage of this mushy time. You’re the one who stands to benefit, most.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Oh! Big surprise. It’s a week of deep introspection. Particularly in dreams, you should get together with your Cancerian friends and share notes about the fucked-up things you saw in your sleep. Aries and Gemini folks are more likely than usual to annoy the crap out of you. You’d be better off to avoid the people who will encourage you to be social and just enjoy the time you have curled up in your little cave, thinking about yourself and enjoying the paintings on the wall.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Wee!!!! Celebrate! Feisty Pluto (which is still a planet—ignore what all skeptics say) is about to get the hell out of your sign. As you may recall, Pluto was bringing you the magic words “regeneration and transformation” which meant people kept moving your stapler and messing up your groove. You can take a break, as you’ll finally find that nothing needs to change. Now, this is going to bore you through the month of October, so work on planning your Halloween costume, because it will feel as though nothing is going on. That’s because Pluto is taking a big break before charging into Capricorn, moving their cheese and screwing up their I-Pod.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Well….Aries and Gemini are going to piss you the hell off, too. Just avoid those people. Talking to them won’t help, passive aggressive emails certainly won’t help. Their signs are standing way on the other side of where you are, and their voices are going to react on you like the fingernails to chalkboards. Keep your pretty little nose to the grind and work on getting your projects done. Again, before the 24^th with Mercury starts running away and causing problems. Oh! Quick note from the cauldron. There is a warning about head injuries, you might want to wear a helmet when leaving the house.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)

Umm….things are going to be even more confusing in the coming days. Not that you’ll notice, you tend to live on planet “Huh????” most days. This will be one of the few times during the year when you have to worry more about money than your record collection—pay attention to your bank account. This past year has been pretty good to you, but right now it’s better that you reign in how much money you spit out at the bar and the flea market.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)

Monday is a big day. Hope you got to bed last night. The lunar energy is all in Pisces, you’ll be feeling powerful and awesome, but by Tuesday you’ll be back to your confused, wacky selves. You also need to pay attention to your dreams. Call up your Cancer friends, but avoid Scorpios—they’re more liable than usual to fuck with you. Don’t get SMM wrong, it’s going to be a nice week, but it will be even harder than usual to see the things you want to see in action anywhere other than your pointed little head.

You were missed!!!!

Horrorscopes will Return on 9/15!

Hello all,

Thanks for your patience during SMM's sabbatical! AstrologyExplained will return on Monday, 9/15!

See you then!

xoxo
SMM

Sorry, guys...

Sister Mary needs to take a few weeks hiatus while she pulls her pointed head together. Nothing wrong, all is well, just too much ruckus going on in the Convent.

If you would like notification when AstrologyExplained returns, please send an email to sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com and you will be notified as soon as SMM pulls her habit together.

Blessed Be, Motherfuckers!!!!

xoxo
SMM

Tomorrow

Scopes will be up Tuesday night!!! Thanks for being patient little demons!!!

BACK BACK BACK!!!

Thanks to everyone who was soooooooo very patient with Sister Mary while she took her week-long, unexpected sabbatical!!! These things happen, but you all are the greatest readers a nun could ask for.

It’s the week of May 11-May 17!!! Smile and dance bit. You look cute in that top.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Things are going to kinda smell funny around the Aries’s house in the next couple of days. Maybe it’s because they need to scrub the toilet and take out the trash, maybe it’s because the cosmos is sending them AM radio waves of bad ju-ju. Aries simply isn’t going to play well with others. Aries, if they seem like they’re all out to get you, keep in mind that you might(!) be partially to blame. Also remember that the definition of insanity is running your head into the same brick wall and expecting a different kind of concussion. (There are easier ways to get Vicadin.) Be nice to your friends, no matter how they annoy you, as you’ll need them when your car (or equally expensive necessity) breaks down at the end of the week.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Maybe it’s because they’re resting in their own planetary realm this week, or maybe it’s because they’re simply not finished with the rampages they had going on for the past few weeks—but Taurus simply isn’t finished breaking shit. Something will seriously irk them by noon on Monday morning, and they won’t shut up about it until at least Wednesday. Then, they’ll journal, reflect, meditate, fingerpaint their partners’ bathrooms—something will enable them to snap out of it. Of course, they’ll be the sensitive little bulls we know and will need to be coddled. Keep that in mind if you’re boinking a Taurus.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Maybe you’re the one colliding with Aries. Mercury chilling in your sign has drastically increased your chances of getting caught with your newly-pedicured foot in your mouth. You nut. Still, signs continue to point to you having all the cash this week. We know you like to share your partners…feel like sharing a little money as well? Buy your friends drinks and cookies to make up for whatever you say early in the week to piss them off. Something delicious will begin brewing in your world by the end of next week. You’ll somehow manage to please someone, somewhere, who will buy you extra presents at Christmas time. In plain terms, nurture your healthy alliances now.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Mars finally leaving our sign has ditched us into a pit of laziness and our kitchens stink. The mere energy to match socks is going to be a stretch this week. Now, while we’re feeling like doing nothing, it’s a good time to reflect on our favorite topic: US! ME! I! Yes, fellow Crabs! The Universe is giving us permission to gaze at our MySpace profiles, dissolve into our personal journals, and pick up a few new toys at Sex R Us. It’s all about us this week. Unless we’re friends with/involved with any Geminis. They’ll have the money and we will not.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Ha! Now you’re stuck with Mars!!! AND the moon! Actually Leos do well when their sign gets spanked by Planet Productivity. The moon in Leo is going to bring them even more delicious powers of prowess and everyone will think they’re swell. The Great Cauldron of SMM still warns you to take it easy in the first part of the week. You’ll need all of your energy for the great “coming together” you’ll receive by Wednesday. This “coming” may be a circle of friends finally getting along, your boss finally getting you out of the Suck Shift, or something of that nature. And by the end of the week you’ll have a cathartic breakthrough either creatively or spiritually and go running off into the hills again to celebrate. So make sure to get plenty of sleep on Monday or Tuesday.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Believe it or not, Virgos have a good reading this week! (Bookmark this page, so when you complain that SMM is mean to you, you can go back and see otherwise.) It’s also all about you this week. Now, instead of asking your friends and therapist team to analyze you, try analyzing yourself for once. Slowly. Don’t boil your cerebrospinal fluid. Despite the steel-gates Saturn has presented you over the past year, you’re making connections that will pay off when that Bitch Planet finally leave you. Oh, and Virgo? Quit harping on the past.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras took care of themselves (mostly…) over the weekend and are walking in a shiny and pretty to the job on Monday. Of course, they’ll have their little hearts crushed by some bastardly customer or co-worker in a matter of minutes. Instead of letting it roll off their backs as they normally would, they are ten times more likely to blow up at someone in the stock room. And then they’ll be over it. But it’ll take them a little longer than usual. Libra, don’t let these bastards f*ck you in the ass like that. They’re not that good at it, anyway.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpio, you TOO have things growing in your life this week! Unfortunately, it just looks like mold and roach colonies. Never fear! You’ll find the Achilles ’ heel of the bastard that put you in a funk and you’ll be over it once they turn up missing. (heh heh) Actually, the reason you’re going to be unhappy this week is the Universe is encouraging you to practice healthy talk. Not sociopath “kinda talk.” Which, if you’re not aware, sociopaths do to keep from getting caught being bastards—effectively skirting the questions. Don’t do that. Straight talk will keep you from winding up in jail. Well, maybe not. But you’re less likely to go to Hell. And we all know you need all the help you can get!

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Blank is the end, blank is the beginning. Our Archers are starting out this week with a kind of emotional amnesia, which is better for them and worse for the hearts they broke. But they won’t forget so much that they don’t wear their invisible suit of heart-armor when they march into the bar. Something about this Don’t F*CK with me shield is going to benefit you financially. You may be hired to whack people. This will help pay off your credit card bill! And don’t worry, you’ll get full protection from the people who hire you. We think.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You need to calm down, you need to switch to decaf. No, forget SMM just said that. Don’t even try the decaf, stay with meditation and lots of water. You’re not missing out on anything, there is nothing more for you to do. SMM will say it again. You’re NOT missing out on ANYTHING. No one, anywhere, is more successful than you at the moment. Really. SMM means it. Starting over, whatever it is you’re working on, by mid-week is going to be really awesome. (That’s the most wizdumb SMM can get out at the moment. Sorry.) But be warned that something new is going to annoy the crap out of you by Friday. Don’t mean to upset you.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Damn. You’re broke. You’re probably the brokest sign in the whole chart this week. Be sure to kiss a Gemini’s ass. Or lick it, whatever they’re into this week. But whatever you have to do to ensure your bills get paid this week, stick to whatever morals you have rattling around in there. It’s your only path out of the dungeon when you get bored. And whatever it is you have to do this week, you’ll emerge stronger for it. Good luck to you, lovely!!!

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Matters of the R word (uh…Relationships) are close at hand with Pisces this week. You’ve got to decide if the cretin sleeping on your couch is worth the trouble. Are you getting out of your lovers all the climaxes you require? And…are you satisfying your lovers? Really? Take a look at the people with whom you’re involved and make them pay rent or tell them to get the fuck out. Don’t just Go With the Stupid Flow, you lazy bastard. Actually take control…or accept the continual wallet and psychic drain without complaint.

You were missed!!!!

Oy.

Sister Mary is simply going to have to take this week off because she simply has too much shite going on in the Coven!!! Er...convent. (hee!)

Running waaaaayyyyy late....

You'll need to wait until Monday night!!! (Possibly Tuesday morning...)

You tell me all your secrets, but don't lie about your past.....

Oh, dear. Sun in Taurus—but the crazy moon in Aquarius. Maybe some of you noticed that the full moon in Scorpio drew out secrets and wackness from the deepest regions of our subconscious and caused us to spill them across conversational lines with a force of twenty raging bulls. That’s where the Taurus comes in. China shops beware, our feisty friend Taurus has us on a wacky ride this week that doesn’t plan to stop for like, ever. Well, it will someday. But not this week. Mercury is also in Taurus which means people are going to do their favorite Bull Sign things and talk it all to friggin’ death. And with Venus in Aries, the sex will be hot but the breakups even more devastating. Don’t be too concerned! The moon has settled into flighty Aquarius which means that whatever we’re wrapped up in at the moment will fly away into “Oh, yeah. I forgot about that” in a manner of minutes. And we’ll be onto another obsession.

Cryptic enough? Read on, wise little sinners! Sister Mary has much more where that came from!!!

Aries (March 21-April 19)
While the Taurus energy is getting most of our slippery feet on the ground, Aries was already doing okay with their own hooves. The additional earth energy is going to make you feel stuck in the mud—which kind of sucks. But it isn’t all bad. The Taurus Mercury is going to make a lot more people sensitive to your rather blunt and fiery tongue. Your honesty may be mistaken for douchebaggery. Most of your problems this week will be the inability to work out issues with friends, lovers and co-workers because everyone around you will be too damn busy to sit down and have a State of the Relationship address. You’re Aries and therefore will feel physically and psychically constipated until you can get your point across. The opportunity will hit before the weekend, but don’t force it. And listen, this time. Stop snorting and growling.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
It’s all about you this week, pretty one! “About time…” Taurus grumbles, and SMM couldn’t agree with you more. Eruptions and destructions have plowed through Taurus like a paper bag of plutonium, but the new world created by your own nuclear destructions leave plenty of delicious opportunities for new friends, new lovers, and new shoes. Don’t get too hooked on battle. Breaking shit is a hard addiction for Taurus to curb. You’ve been very good all year, don’t start being Bad Taurus when it’s so close to your birthday and you want nice presents. You may have to take some time away from Pamper the Taurus to go be nice to someone else. That’s not hard for you, to be nice, but getting you out of the spa will be the challenge. Put a tight limit on the Sauna time and look out for Great-Aunt Ester. Besides, she has candy in her purse.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Chatter-box drama is overflowing the Gemini kiddy-pool this week. Gemini, you’re being warned to take note of the time on the clock before whipping out the phone and calling the BFF’s—or they won’t be the BFF’s for long. Do you really need all of this attention, or are you only driving yourself and everyone around you more than slightly mad? Consider, consider the time, Gemini. That’s your major cauldron warning for this week. Plus, if you pipe down a bit, you’ll be more likely to hear the cash-fairy when she comes knocking at your door. That’s right! Geminis have the opportunity to make some cash mid-week, and they better not blow it. Of course, they might not see this cash for a year or so, but better late than never! Start paying attention to all ringing cash registers, now.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You know, Mars in Cancer has made everything decidedly crappy. In ours heads, anyway. Thrown forward by this unusual need to accomplish EVERYTHING, we struggle when things don’t come sailing into our lap in pretty blue Tiffany’s boxes. It looks as though it’s this kind of week for Cancers. The coked-out motiviation will be met with a dried out and limp nutsack of opportunity. We’ll want to crawl into our shells and die. The shell part is a good idea. The dying part is not. Who will our co-dependant friends co-depend on? Now is also not the time to rehash the past. We will, anyway, because we’re Cancers. It’s a better week for reflection on who we are as Crabby Babies and how we can evolve to become stronger, sexier Crabby Toddlers. That’s our advice to ignore for the week.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leos have a bumpy start to this here week. Whether heartbreak, hangover or kidney stone, they hobbled into work this morning with a mimosa hidden in their travel coffee mugs and a thick supply of Advil (or acid…) under their tongues. If you’re involved with a Leo, pet them often. They’re sad little kittens this Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday. By mid week, the depression will set in for a bit. But only for a bit! No need to call the shrink, yet! They are more likely to curl up on the couch than go to the Pilates class with their friends, and that’s okay. They get one pass and this is the one. But by week’s end, they’ll emerge happy and shining with a fresh new gloss on their manes and will be back to purr, preen and entertain us. It happens. Don’t worry about them. But do spoil them.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Yeah, you and your Cancer friends should get together and feel sorry for yourselves in common spirit. You’re so sick of being in a rut, you’d like to chew through rock. It won’t help. But this time is a growing time for you. Yeah, SMM knows how much you just love (not) inspirational word-pills…but it’s true! A year from now, you’ll be very happy with yourself. And you’ll get to laugh at the poor saps stuck in Saturn once you’re all done with it! Ha ha ha ha ha.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
The chaotic Scorpio moon threw everything in your world off-center as well, which caused an outbreak in hives on Libras around the world. The early part of this week will find you reaping the rewards from your organized ways. Like, matching socks and milk that isn’t sour. This puts you miles ahead of the other knuckleheads that surround you, who are still chewing their curdled coffee and can’t even find the socks. Now, don’t get all fancy-pants and braggy, Libra. The end of your week wants to come and smack you in the ass, in a way that is not pleasant. So, keep your meditation tapes and scented candles handy. You’ll need ‘em. SMM promises. Hopefully you won’t need them too much or too long.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Well, well well…you certainly got something out of your own f-d up moon! Share, damnit! You’re reaping more and more awesomeness, which will only increase in the next few months. Take advantage of this productive time and like, get a job or something. Or sell your original graphic novel—the one you’ve kept under your mattress since the 11^th grade. Also, take time to think about you, even more than you normally do. The theme of this Scorpio’s week is “The Self.” And it’s about “Self-improvement,” not “Persuasion, domination, and annihilation of everyone but Me.” It also might be a good week to send one of your Guys out after the punks that still owe you money for whatever drugs you scored for them back in college. Chances are, they’ve found some sort of income by now.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Oh, you’re totally fine for this week. Read no further. Ha! Now that you’re ignoring SMM’s advice, she’ll say it again. You’ll be very happy for the first part of the week, and the happiness is most likely inspired by that hottie still curled up in your bed. Things are going well for Sagittarius in the heart front. Even if that hottie is still a sharpie-marked body pillow made to look like your heart’s desires, the relationship with that pillow will deepen as it contours to your lusty frame. You, too need to watch that you don’t get so enwrapped in your pillow that you suffocate or something. (That’s a metaphor for all relationships—ADD friend.) Take some time for you by the end of the week or that person you’re so crazy about now will start to bug the crap out of you by Friday and you’ll be bored and lonely over the weekend.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Something has seriously crawled under your tail this week, lovely one. Something flared out, which disappointed you greatly. The temp job folded way before it was meant to, the five-week relationship that was going so well suddenly needed “space.” Weird. Well, don’t analyze it too much, but also don’t push yourself to get over something that may simply need some more time to hurt. If you’re upset, let it be that way and don’t try to shove it off the mental plane just yet. It’ll only bounce off the jagged valley floor and come back as a migraine over a tiny traffic jam. These things have a bad way of doing just that.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Huh. Why the hell are you so calm this week? It’s making us all nervous. Maybe your own moon’s influence just puts you in a state of bliss, now that everyone is moving to your groove for once. Something big—and good!—is about to enter your realm. A promotion, maybe. Promoting an Aquarius seems like a risky business venture and is a little less likely in the realm of conservative Taurus. In fact, that’s what it looks like will happen. Someone is about to give you a lot of responsibility and then come to their senses at the last minute. Don’t take it too personally. Did you really want to micro-manage office monkeys, anyway?

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Strength is your objective and obstacle this week. You’d rather get a root canal by a rabid beaver this week—if it means you can stay in your dark little hole and hide from the world. Your time of hibernation is going to help you quite a bit. You’ll finally emerge (maybe when the weather turns) and you’ll emerge skipping (sort of) and humming (a little). Delicious new beginnings are on the way for Pisces, and they’d better make good use of them or Sister Mary will kick you with a stiletto. It’ll hurt. THAT she promises.

Be Good! Have Fun! Don’t waste your time trying to do both!!!

Here they are!!!!

Oh, why bother with intros??? You’re just going to scroll down to your sign!!!

It’s the week of April 20-26!!! Remember that tax guy? Thank God that’s done…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Stock your fridge, mend your socks and pick up the condom wrappers before the wife comes home. Your week starts out strong, Aries, but some kind of torpedo is on the way. It may be nothing more than an extra stall on New Jersey transit, and it’s certainly going to work itself out just fine, but keep some canned food on hand. Batteries and bottled water, too. Not that you’ll need these things, but you should probably get them, anyway.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Happy Birthday!!! Crazy interruptions hit our Bulls squarely between the horns last week, ranging from an irritating case of the hiccups to the explosions of boilers in the basements of their spirits. It’s not a great way to begin your birthday season. Taurus, it’s going to take a long time to get over these hiccups. Maybe a year or more. After you’ve finished with that China Shop, pay attention to when you ought to pull those horns in and sneak out stealthily before the cops show up.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
As happy and flighty as our Twins can be, they hold a grudge comparable to the most vengeful Cancer or Scorpio. (Maybe not so much as Capricorn—impossible to top that kind of grudge). And, it looks like Gemini woke up out of the bed this morning with a nasty grudge squarely painted on both of their faces. If you’ve upset a Gemini recently, believe that they are running off to weep in the company restroom numerous times during the day. (And you thought they had no feelings…) It’s okay. Geminis around the galaxy will take the time to have constructive conversations in which—of course—the other party will be unable to insert a word. But it will involve minimal throwing of drinks, knives or office supplies.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
We toughened up our shells this week, and this time, it wasn’t an illusion. People actually were out to get us. So, into the bedroom we went with a pretty lavender candle and dusted off our Ani DiFranco collection. Now, having brewed in our own resentful juices, we’re getting ready to go out there and say the things we’ve rehearsed in our bedroom mirrors. However, the rest of the signs have already forgotten that we’re mad at them. Cancers, we are being warned to not enact on our Telling Douche Off In Public Place. The best thing we can do is turn up the volume on our Inner Jiminy Crickets. Murder may not be the smartest course of action.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Our Leos also had reason to prance around with caution early this week. Either they were feeling far too sensitive, or the MILF they took home last week was actually a high powered official and now the press is camping out at our Leos’ dens. (Leo—remove the blindfold once in awhile, okay? The cuffs can stay.) Leo, it’s best that you separate from whatever situation is making you nervous to stand in wide open spaces. You, even more than Cancer, need to listen to that stupid cricket. You’re not as apt to murder as you are to be assassinated. Not everyone offering you a ride in a long, black car has your speed and punctuality in mind.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Saturn of Suck has put you into a near-permanent funk. It’s okay. We’re all getting used to your crappy attitude since the arrival of the Constriction Planet into your home space. While you’re moping into a podcast for the early part of the week, some delicious ray of light is coming into your life. Either the person you’re with finally puts out, or you shack up with the hot bartender who has been ignoring you for the past two years. Looks as though there’s a strong chance of living happily ever after! Finally some good news for Virgos. Doesn’t mean it’s going to last. But it might.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras expect a fairytale ending to every week. Now, when the glorious prince or princess failed again to sweep them away in a Jaguar of pink roses, they slammed their bedroom doors and acted like Cancers for the rest of the weekend. Libra, please don’t take attention away from our tantrums. Please. Are you pushing too hard to get your way, again? Isn’t it possible that since you got the lucky arrival last week, maybe it’s say, Scorpio’s turn to get it? Or maybe Taurus? Share the glory, friend. And don’t feel the need to return every phone call. Some co-dependants will last up to twelve hours without hearing from you.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Ooh! Scorpio loooooovvvvveeeessss a good secret. And it looks as though they pulled a nice juicy one out of the social closet. If no good tid-bits have been aired, the Scorpios are also finding that things are slowly moving in their favor. This is means their voodoo dolls have been highly effective! Now, Scorpio, remember that you are not immune to the effects of Karma. Wear a helmet and watch for falling pianos. The end of this week will end in some kind of promotion, either socially or professionally. Take Sister Mary out for martinis when you learn she’s right (you cheap bastard.)…

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
What is it with all the revenge warnings??? Sag, who in the world could you have pissed off? Clearly, it was someone important, or it wouldn’t have shown up in the cauldron the way that it did. When it starts to get frustrating, make sure you truly are upset and not getting off on the pain of ripping your own hair from your scalp. SMM recommends that you get together with your Cancer and Leo friends and all of you collectively call your Inner Crickets. Let’s keep revenge-inflicted wounds to a minimum this week.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Some horrid neighbor woke up Capricorns across the galaxy with ecstatic bedroom screaming or little children who love to pound the floor with horrid feet. Cranky Capricorns are toxic to be around, and it’s likely that they’re the ones out to get Cancer, Leo, Scorpio and Sag this week. We should have avoided the absinthe-orgy, kids…or at least invited Capricorn’s frigid ass to join us. They’ll be over the insult by mid-week when they receive dozens of I’m Sorry comments on their MySpace page. We’d do better to buy them flowers, but they also know we’re broke. Now, they’ll need to watch their asses by mid-week when we start calling them on their shit. Hang in there, Friends of Capricorn. As for Capricorn, just kidding. SMM thinks you’re right about everyone and everything.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
You’ve been so friendly and jolly this week—a welcome change from the rest of the signs who have been plotting to kill one another. SMM doesn’t know many Aquarius’s who make a ton of cash, but the Flying Monkeys are reporting that they somehow managed to lend a whole mess of it to everyone they know. Now, they’re broke but don’t come crawling up to the Convent this week asking for a scrap of booze. We told you to keep an eye on your flask and your cash. On the other hand, if someone does owe you money, or sexual favors, this isn’t the week to ask for it. It’s coming to you, but you don’t need to do anything about getting it, right now.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Mixed up communication all around. Explaining yourself has never been your strongest suit, or even closest to it. But when people call you crying over something you supposedly said in G-Crack, which you don’t even remember typing. There are numerous things in Pisces land that need fixing. Pisces needs to take this time and go within, acknowledge their inner-bastards and figure out how to get rid of them. Or at least, the parts of them that make others drink heavily. It’s a growing time for Pisces. They’ll do well in the long run.

SMM loves you more than you can possibly know!!!

Coming......

They'll be up this evening, darlings!!! Thanks for your patience!

Cranky Crabs, Strong Bulls and Stanky, Stanky Fish....

Seriously, now. If you didn’t get your spring cleaning done when the weather was still crappy—and spent those extra winter weeks watching Tivo—you might be tempted to go frolicking in the park, but you know how much better it will be for you if you get rid of the clothes you still couldn’t fit into this winter. It’s all good. You’ll surely be down two sizes next year.

Of course, having a Leo moon over the next few days will make reclining in the lawn chair seem far preferable to getting shite done, but you won’t be able to ignore the overwhelming surge of Aries energy coming in through your Sun, Mercury and Venus signs.

It’s the week of April 13-19!!! Remember that tax guy?…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Hmm….do you even remember what you drank/sniffed/inserted on Saturday night? How about where you did it? How about the name of the drag queen who’s still snoring in your bed? Aries, it looks as though you got so swept up in your own energy, you don’t even know the zip code of the place in which you woke up on Sunday morning. It looks as though this hangover, and other repercussions of your debauchery, will be following you around Monday and Tuesday. Oh, wait. Sorry. Nothing is following you, it’s just you kicking yourself to death. Oh, Aries. Don’t be so hard on yourself. When in the midst of weekend-memory hell, embrace the beauty of cucumber masks and classical music. The stringed-kind. Not the symphonies. Not with this headache, anyway.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Most Tauruses (SMM says most, so she doesn’t get spanked for being wrong about one or two) will get a little something fancy from the Tax Man this year. Either a little money back or a quiet little trip to Club Fed, depending on which side of the Responsible/Spendfiend Taurus coin they fall on. Taurus is going to do a hell of a lot better than Aries at getting shit done this week. They’re finally going to tell their partners to shape up, tell their bosses to fuck off (nicely, in a professional and diplomatic manner) and manage to get in for a mani/pedi before the next weekend. Good work, Taurus. The end of the week will feel like a new world. One of the Utopian ones with cheap, organic produce and a mess of happy, skipping hippies.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Yeah…you must have been the one leading “poor” Aries astray last week. Or maybe you just annoyed the crap out of someone. Silly Gemini. Late last week, you started feeling uncharacteristically (and ridiculously) insecure and clung to someone who was supposed to save you from yourself. From both of yourselves. Well, that person got annoyed really fast and now won’t text you back. Put down the phone, pick up a dirty magazine, do something with your hands other than call that person again. You’re very cute in your own wacky way, and they’re bound to miss you. Take Sister Mary’s advice and diddle you rather than the silent person’s digits.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
We should learn from Gemini and understand that there is no point in acting like whiney, sappy crabs when what we should be doing is going out and kicking ass in these last days of Mars energy. Most of us aren’t famous yet, but it’s quite possible it will happen before the end of the month, if we work really hard at it. Anyway, it’s a week where we have to get in touch with us and figure out what it is that makes us call our best friends, weeping, at 3:15 in the morning. Besides alcohol. Let us suck it up, bite our lips and wait it out. It’s probably just hormonal, anyway.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Since your moon is taking the world by storm in the next few days, you’re going to be quite powerful and successful at anything you try to do before Tuesday. Now, when the tides start to change a little bit come mid-week, squeeze those little paws of yours as tight as possible, because something is going to happen which will make you want to chew the head off a certain’s person’s neck. And don’t come crying to us when it’s all done. We took care of you last week, and most of us are going through emotional hoo-ha right now, anyway.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Good Goddess. It’s just not getting any easier for you, is it? Oh, Virgo, if Sister Mary could change your fate…she would so do so. After she changes the fate of Cancerians, first. Some evil bastards like to say that the origins of “suffering” actually means “undergoing.” Maybe it’s true. And it’s sad but true to know that the majority of your friends have patiently listened to you piss and moan for the past few months and while they do care, they’re going to be busier pissing and moaning about their own things. You’ll need to go back into your cave and paint on the walls for awhile. It’s the best thing to do in a time of Saturn of Suck.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Nothing highly unusual for our Libras at the moment. They’re doing fine, except for that chaotic nuclear meltdown over the weekend. SMM is willing to bet some Aries dumped their cookies on their new stilettos. You, like your Cancer and Gemini brethren, are being warned not to be crazy-needy in the next few days. You’ll have to wring your hands alone. Seems as though we’re all going to need to retreat to our hideaways this week. How odd. Not everything is going to go your way, Libra. And even if it did, it’s not always the best policy to have it do just that. Take a break this week from trying to control everything.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Hail, O Evil One! You are striding into the coming week in full glory. Everyone will bow and lick your go-go boots. Be careful not to go striding into the wrong meat market, as you’ll get the wrong sub to lick your pretty toes and end up with some pissed-to-hell dome running after you with a barbed cat-o-nine tails. Even in your world, that could be icky. Scorpio doesn’t like to run. To be pursued maybe. But not made to run. All seriousness aside, sharp ruptures are highly likely this week. Maybe they’re timely, though, although they won’t feel like butter. However, other openings are on their way as well, which is tremendously exciting. In whatever form they take, take them for all they’re worth. Hard. Harder. Damnit, you know you can do better than that.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You, like your Scorpio friends, are starting out this week very strong as well. Of course, you’re going to get that nasty-ass foot of yours stuck in your trachea and someone is going to go slash your tires for it. Exhausted from having to hitch ride after ride after ride, you consider giving up your job and just selling your shit on Ebay for awhile. That’s not a good solution. Take it as a learning exercise. Yeah. And don’t try to sneak 12 items in the 10 items or less line just to save you some time at the grocery. You don’t need that much time and people will hate you for it.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The early part of the week will be rough. That’s all there is to it. But when it gets rough, do that tuck and roll thing and let the chaos waves ride over you. It’s the only way to survive the early part of the week. And you, like Sag, need to calm down, slow down and don’t let the freaks get you down. Open up to your therapist, your spouse and your lover. They’ll probably annoy you, too, but they’re the best thing you got going for you at the moment.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Shake it up. SMM can’t believe she’s saying this to you. You? Lethargic? Whose medication did you steal last week? Well, it looks as though you’ll be reunited with your old rehab friends sometime in the coming week. Hopefully, you’ll run into them in a squeaky clean Starbucks and not in the hospital cafeteria. Careful, though. It looks as though your old junkie friend may be asking to borrow some cash. You’re going to need it to get your grandpappy’s watch out of the pawn shop, so don’t give it out.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Ooh…..Pisces. Something is seriously rotten in your fish tank this week. Never underestimate the power of the seriously pissed-off. Never take for granted another person’s silence. All fish everywhere are warned to go back and figure out if any major white elephants shitting in the middle of their living rooms need to get noticed. Pisces, we know you are the least confrontational of all signs, but that needs to change and fast if they want to continue getting laid this week. Some Pisces are already screwed beyond help. If you’re not one of those Pisces, consider making some changes before it’s too late.

SMM is craving a glass of wine and a long trip to fairy land.

It's Mantra time again.

Goodness gracious! Readership was never higher than last week, when you all thought Sister Mary was about to pull the plug. So silly.

Anyway, this week is bound to be insane as we’ve got Aries in our Sun, Mercury and Venus. Basically, we won’t have time for shite—not even to read Sister Mary’s beloved column. But because the Moon is in sensitive Taurus, you’ll need the love only Sister Mary knows how to provide.

This week, SMM is giving you drive-thru mantras to get you back on the cosmic freeway and getting things done. Ride the Aries energy, fiery sinners!!! Ride it straight away!!!

It’s the week of April 6-12!!! It’ll all be over soon…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
The Morons I Carry…Eventually Will Eat Me. Keep this in mind while enabling your incompetent co-workers and siblings. While they mean well, they will eventually end up gnawing on your tired skull.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Blank is the end, Blank is the Beginning. It is healthy, wealthy and wise of you to dump the money and soul sucking gremlin currently snoring in your bed. Start over fresh, and fill that freshness with someone hotter who will pick up the check 50% of the time.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
It May Not Go Your Way…Therefore, Your Head Will Explode. Gemini, are you putting your desire to bring your partner to the absinthe party above your partner’s need to go to rehab? Be careful to separate your own need to destroy from others’ need to heal.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
When they don’t listen…Talk Louder. If we have something to say, and the other chattering monkeys just won’t stop with the chatter, we’re going to have to stand on the table and bang some pot lids together until they do. Sulking will not get our message across.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Patience is the way of the Sexy Warrior. No acting needy this week, Leo. No clinging, pouting or pushing to get your way. Work with your inner monk and enjoy the beauty of silence once in a while.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
RUN AWAY. FOR THE BASTARDS ARE OUT TO GET YOU. Not to prey on the Virgo paranoia. But this week, it’s true…

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Spicy food will clear the sinuses, and therefore, the head as well. Ignore the loudmouths around you. Spend time alone with a spicy bowl of Udon. Ask the little cricket within you, “What the fuck do I do next?” Only in that cricket, not in your hoard of LiveJournal friends, will you find the answer.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Refill the moat and clone the army. If you, Scorpio, has an obstacle between you and your goal, it’s better that you stalk the shadows and wait for it to go away on its own. Moving too fast may bring out the stubborn bastard in your enemy. It’s a pain in the ass. Just wait it out.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Don’t move. Seriously. Remain calm this week, as you’ve once again gotten yourself into a situation (probably something to do with that foot you carry around in your mouth) that you cannot get out of easily. Let the professional (white coats) take care of it. Don’t do anymore that might further screw things.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
All is whole, therefore, I will go shopping. Yes, Capricorn, enjoy this prosperous time, for even good times are temporary. Don’t get annoyed with that statement—Sister Mary is an honest nun and would say the same to you if it were nasty times in your way. Just have fun. For it won’t always be so easy.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Stuff takes awhile. Therefore, don’t push it. Aquarius, SMM wants to remind you of a proverb about the old farmer who was so eager to assist his crops’ growth that he ran outside every night and pulled at the new shoots. That’s stupid. Don’t do that.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
It’s not so bad. Come out and play. You and Capricorn should hook up this week. Things are fine, so enjoy the ride. Give yourself a week off from contemplating the darker mysteries of the Cosmos. They’ll be back next week to annoy you.

SMM loves you!!!

This is Sister Mary's Final Horrorscope....

April Fools!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry about that.

It’s the week of March 30-April 5!!!! Please don’t hate Sister Mary.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
This week will feel pretty good to Aries. At least the beginning, part. For those of you lucky enough to have your birthdays this week, the Capricorn moon drastically increases your chance of getting your birthstone wrapped up in gold. (April stone=diamond, for the uninitiated.) Unfortunately, even if the decadent nature of the Capricorn does indeed make its way through your realm, a couple of nasty events are going to increase the chances of you pulling the remainder of your hair out of your head. If it’s not pipes bursting or tires exploding, your mate may decide to try live out the Lifetime movie about the bi-polar teenager. Take heart. It’s all research for their novel which will be sure to sell lots, beginning it in a Capricorn moon, after all. They’ll take you on a cruise when they finally peel themselves off the ceiling.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Maybe it’s you, adhering yourself to the ceiling of some poor Aries. But the monkey-sources indicate that you’re not actually bi-polar (you’re NOT a Gemini, after all…), you’re simply pissy because you didn’t get to pick the bar on Friday night. Well, sweetie, not everyone can afford a bottle bar (at $200 per bottle???? Geez….). Frankly, you can’t either. Brat. Learn to appreciate the finer qualities of dive bars. Chicken wings. Fries. Beer pong. Learn to love the simple things and your bad mood periods will decrease. In fact, dive-crawling will be good not only for your perspective, but for your physical activity as well. The cauldron recommends that you keep moving this week.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’re having the Taurus week, but in reverse. Mostly. You’ll start out this week hitting each and every party, concert and orgy in a sixty mile radius. Somewhere in there, the Great Bastard Up Above is going to sling-shot you with an epiphany, about which you’ll thoroughly desire to write a book. Being Gemini, you’re likely to forget your insane revelation within thirty minutes or so. Keep a tiny little notebook handy to record these major breakthroughs. Besides, it will give you something fascinating to read on the bus, later on. Take your Ritalin because it’s going to be a long journey to completion. You got the One-Year rune in your cauldron stir. Which means, whatever you start on now is going to take 12 months longer to complete than you thought. Be patient. Hello? Are you still listening?

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Aw, damnit! Just when we were starting to have fun. Some hottie is going to up and leave us. Which, of course, we’ll add to the pile of Hotties To Obsess About, the files of which go back to 1989. Fellow Crabs, let us not wail from the rooftops anymore than will wake the neighbors on the top floor. It’s not going to make us feel any better to wake up the super. Our better resort would be to go with our Sag friends to a yoga class. Sags are good, because they’ll be tired of our whining in about seven minutes and remind us to shut up. Yoga is even better as it will melt the Ben and Jerry’s therapy off our asses, and expose us to a hard-bodied yoga instructor we could love to death. And then add to the Hottie To Obsess About pile. See, Cancers? The only way to heal from one heartbreak is to replace it with another one. It won’t feel great for us, but it will feel better for our friends, who would love to hear about a new douche. They’re so sick of our rants about the old one.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Yup. Yup. Yup. Leos took the self-help books to heart and focused on their projects and personal lives instead of their romance and sex lives. Guess what, Leo! Looks like you’re going to meet someone this week! Of course, it’s going to have the lifespan of a fruit-fly, but at least that gives you something to blog about. Don’t despair too much if you meet someone and it doesn’t work out—or if you meet someone and it does work out, but they’re just not that great with their tongue. Whatever you need to separate from yourself this week, it may be painful, it may be a relief. It all depends on how you decide to handle it. Don’t drink yourself to death, and don’t blow up your best friend’s cell phone. They’re still paying off the last one you blew up. Good luck, babe.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
"Hey sweetie! How are you doing?" asks Sister Mary in the tone of someone speaking to someone in a padded cell. It’s that point in the Saturn cycle where it’s completely obvious how Virgo is doing. All other signs—just don’t ask. Back away slowly and make sure to take all sharp objects with you. Closures, getting rid of stuff, forced by doctor to give up cocaine. Virgo, that’s what Saturn Suck Time is all about. It (duh) sucks a lotta lot, but when you come out in say in about a year, you’ll be such a better person with such a well-organized wardrobe! Yes, Virgos are anally-organized in most things: their favorite blogs and newsites taped to the desk by their computer, for singular example. Their home states, however, are generally not. Whips, chains and plugs all over the place. So hard to find things in a Virgo house when you need them.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libra, you need to go back in the house and finish your meditations. You said you’d finished everything and got back into balance, but Sister Mary’s monkeys are screaming that you did not. Something else in your private psyche needs to click back into place. You’re refusing to listen to the little voice trapped beneath the filing cabinet of your soul. (Heavy, right? Think on that for awhile.) Honor your inner badass. You’ll need it in the coming week when a painfully uncomfortable reunion occurs. However, this painfully uncomfortable thing will serve to help you let go of the past ick. Looks as though your ex is going to show up, with an extra fifty pounds attached. Did Sister Mary give you this reading a few weeks ago? Well, if it didn’t happen then, it’s sure as hell going to happen now. Take pictures and circulate to loving friends.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Huh. Maybe it’s you who’s breaking all the Cancerian hearts this week. Well, if that’s the case, Sister Mary breathes a sigh of relief. She thought it might have been someone important—like a Leo or a Taurus. Maybe it’s a Leo who’s going to trounce on your black little blood-pumper! The prospects for revenge look excellent this week, although not immediate. Expect that it will take six months to a year for the Voodoo curse to come to fruition. You’ll need to pay the Mambo, so don’t spend all your money on gin. Now, it looks as though you (like many of us this week) are also ignoring your inner cricket. Did this person really deserve all the crap you’re slinging at them? We know you think so, but does the rest of the world agree? Before you say, “Eat me, cheap bastards…” think about it for a bit. Maybe if you listen to your inner cricket, you’ll avoid jail time.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sister Mary simply doesn’t see how it could get much better for you. You’re nearly exhausted from chasing that hot Aquarius all over the city, but it looks as though this week will be the time you finally nail them. Watch out. There’s a 38% chance of falling hopelessly in love. (Loving an Aquarius? Only a Sag could take on that kind of emotional mutilation…) Well, Sag, SMM is happy to announce that you’re going to have a happy ending to your week, however that ending may come. That’s all the reading you get. Sister Mary is going to save her energy for signs with real problems.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Since the moon is in your sector, take some time to get to know your inner Capricorn. We all know heavy-duty meditation, group therapy and intense journaling bore you all to tears. Maybe you should simply cash in your alimony and spend it all at the Turkish baths. Get to know yourself while being rubbed with sea-salt by a muscled dude named Ivan. Soak in hot mud and leave your negative ju-jus for someone else to pick up. You weren’t using them for good, anyway. It looks like you too have excellent prospects for meeting someone awesome this week! Perhaps a Sag? Perhaps a Leo? Seems as though those two signs are looking to mate this week. Yeah, you’ve got a good week coming. Therefore, SMM has no more to say to you.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Maybe you’re the one running into Libra with an extra fifty pounds attached! (Just kidding. No, really. April Fool’s. Get that finger out of your throat.) Aquarius does have some sort of reunion on their doorstep this week. And it’s going to start the beginning of a one-year crazed-fest. Won’t you enjoy it? It could end in marriage, so get out now, commitment-phobe, if that’s not what you’re into. All seriousness aside, the meeting you experience this week will take you on a fabulous journey. Let’s hope Tahiti is included, it’s particularly lovely in the springtime (we hear….up here….on the frigid island of Manhattan…).

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
It wasn’t that SMM was ignoring the fact that Mercury and Venus are in your sign this week, she simply didn’t want to call attention to the fact that you’re still blowing your nose on the sleeve of your coat over something that happened as many as six years ago. Matters of the heart will plague Pisces this week, and it’s all they can do not to drink a bottle of NyQuil and wait for the angels to start singing. Since Mercury also has its feet on your couch, it will be the best possible time for you to verbalize these feelings, which you should do before your insides turn gangrene on you. Tears on the inside will eventually rot away your heart, and eventually, your brain. Booze will take care of your liver.

SMM is very sorry about that joke. Please don’t flog her. Just kidding. Please DO!!!

Welcome to ARIES!!!!

The last of the icicles are finally dripping off the major overpasses and the backless shirts are beginning to return!!! (There IS a Goddess!!!!) Of course, only if the chick is into the hard nipples of HYPOTHERMIA…(we can still see our breath outside the Convent of Sensual Salvation) but SMM is no nun to judge.

Still pondering our hearts and words (mixing up the Pisces influence) with the innate need to plot death against major world figures (that’s the Scorpio moon), but lead under the Aries moon, we’re getting out of our journals and Anarchistic chat rooms and frolicking in the frigid early spring sun! Just kidding. Aries doesn’t frolic. But we are outside unearthing garbage cans from the last of the winter snows and screaming at our partners to bring out the winter’s trash. Aries is like a bear out of hibernation when their sign first arrives. Time to get out and start doing things. They’ll also be the first ones to hit the bar when the works is done.

It’s the week of March 24-March 30!!!! Follow Aries, kids! It’s the start of the zodiac new year and they know the location of the cool places…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Happy Birthday! Truck it on out to Chuck E. Cheese and get some of your crazed energy out. Don’t expect us to follow you. Noises hurt the rest of us this time of year. Aries, in the coming week you’re going to have to (again) pull the rest of the world along. That’s why you were born first. Don’t try to avoid it. You’re going to have to facilitate conversations between co-workers who have taken “I Hate You” vows of silence. It’s a promising week for our rams, as they feel that they’re finally turning over a new leaf. We know how hard it is for a ram to turn anything over without beating it to a pulp with their horns, first. Congratulations to you, Aries, if nothing was broken.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’ll be conflicted with all the Rosicrucian Conspiracy Theory talk you’re getting in the chat-rooms this week. Doesn’t anyone talk about Flavor of Love, anymore? Are you the only one watching Lost? Taurus, you’re not the only one watching crappy t.v. Call up your other Taurus friends. They’re doing the same thing. The other signs are still stewing in the depths of sinister Scorpio and perturbed Pisces, but you were never really all that into that kind of wear black, smoke cloves, and give yourself premature frown lines. Don’t despair. Take out that frustration on your closet and start weeding out the clothes you bought on a Shopping Therapy spree—that you know you’re never going to wear. Call up your Aries friends. They’re getting over some dumpy moods and will be more fun than your other friends.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Gemini is following the Spring Fling lead and planning a few key parties of their own this season, just to piss off Aries, who wants their birthday pub crawl to go anywhere but near your house (you probably slept with their girl/boyfriend last year and don’t remember.). Gemini, be careful how many key parties you attend in the coming weeks. Ruptures are more likely than reconciliations, and you don’t have enough cash in your pocket to pay for all of the “I’m Sorry” drinks that are likely to result. In fact, the Flying Monkeys are very worried about your financial situation. If you haven’t done your taxes yet (because you have more random sources of income than most people, nutty Twins), be prepared that you likely have to shell out. You may even need to borrow from that Aries you pissed off last month. Might wanna go play nice for a bit.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Okay. This is it. This is reaallllllyyyyyy it. Cancers across the galaxy are going to achieve their dreams, get rich and famous, marry and breed in their dream loft by Friday. Seriously. This is the week Cancers will achieve everything they ever wanted and never have to work for a thing after this weekend. Oh, wait. That’s just what’s left the Mars energy floating around. Seriously, again. Cancers are going through a growth period. We’re so damn sensitive to the environment, and the budding tulip bulbs make us want to sprout petals from our scalps. We’ve worked hard over the past few months and we now can enjoy the fruits and veggies of our labor. Word of caution against pushing where no pushing is due. If no one is buying our stellar memoir yet, maybe it’s just not time. There are no secret publishers cemented in the walls of our neighbor’s apartment, so let’s put down the pickax.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
All kinds of nonsense flying out of the cauldron for you at this time, Leo! Our lions are frustrated by little pieces of “DAMNIT” jumping out of the shadows to eat holes in their pocket books and screw around under the hood of their cars. While you’re pounding the pavement with your fists, make sure it’s really that bad before you start blowing up the cell phone of every caring friend out there. Most of this stuff will go away on its own, without you having to do a damn thing. Understand also that the crap you’re trying to make happen needs more than like, a day to get going. Think more like, “A Year From Now…” Looks also like you’re going to run into someone you haven’t seen in awhile. Let’s hope it’s someone awesome.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Oh, Virgo…take heart in the seemingly never-ending cycle of Saturn Suck. While you still have a while to go, you won’t get bored this week. Introspective, philosophical conversations in every corner of every Starbucks will keep you questioning and dissecting every word around you. Distract yourself with abstract thought. It’s the only way. Remember that you’ve got a mess of burdens of your own. You were doing so well for awhile to get out of the drama pool, but it looks as though you’re being lured back into saving someone else from themselves. Don’t let your own strength, wit and wallet be used against you. Besides, someone is likely to take something you said the VERY wrong way and you’ll be screwed—and you WILL have to suck up to someone again. Looks like there is some money coming. Maybe the Tax Fairy will be nice to you this year!

Libra (September 23-October 22)
A week of ups and downs is coming for our most balanced sign. It’s like a tornado came blowing through your dorm room and mixed up your toothpaste with your roommate’s lube. Oops. Libra, you can’t fix everything. You can’t balance it just as soon as you want to. You’ve got to let the world take a few minutes to sort it out for you. Come mid week you’ll forget about the blues of Monday and Tuesday, but the weekend might prove tough yet again. Keep your favorite episodes of Sponge Bob in your IPod and plug in whenever you need to disappear from the crappy world of Being A Grownup. No one will resent you for it.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You must be loving this time, Scorpio friend! The moon is hanging out on your front porch, so you’re continuing on your plan of taking over your company, turning it into a medium sized militia organization and getting the state in which you reside to secede form the Union and eventually take over the WORLD???? (Doesn’t it seem like Sister Mary always gives you the same reading? But isn’t it always true?) Understand that just because not everyone is going to be in on this plan with you, doesn’t mean you have a right to plot their death. You too are going to have a glorious reunion later in the week. Probably with the Leo whose heart you broke last fall. Don’t do it again, we’ll hate you for it. Oh, and it’s really time to quit the tobacco, gambling or paint sniffing habit you re-aquired.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Good week for you, Mr./Ms. Archer! Some kind of growth or movement is coming your way. Perhaps a promotion? Perhaps a new place to live? Perhaps you figured out the rolling orgasm? Congrats! Now, once you’ve gained this stride, it’s your Universal duty to become a leader and share the wealth and knowledge. Pay back the cash you owe others, take out your weeping Taurus friends and pretend to listen to their woes. Make it up to people who looked out for you when you were confused and listless in the late fall. It’s also time to forgive the co-worker for stealing your travel mug two years ago. No, they shouldn’t have stolen it, but if enough time has gone by, you can rest assured that the Karma Fairy has already taken a big dump on their front porch. Celebrate! And call that Taurus.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Quit, fire or dump. First clues that this week is going to be a hefty one for our Goat Fiends. I mean, Friends. If you’re involved with a Capricorn, there’s a pretty good chance you’ll find your Wii packed up. Wait. Not your Wii. Your old bean bag chair and the dog-eared porn they asked you to get rid of like, six years ago. (They’re keeping the Wii.). Capricorn, whatever major move you’re making this week is going to cost you, so you might not get that trip to the salon. It may have to be Supercuts again, but you’ll survive. Change, liberation, and freedom. Sounds like a fabulous band, and you’re the lead singer. Cut a record, but understand that most musicians starve initially. Most do, always.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
The Convent keeps telling Sister Mary not to even bother writing for Aquarius this week. Or any week until they come back from Neptune. But SMM has faith that some Aquarius, somewhere, is happily reading this horrorscope. Wow!!! You’re broke, too!!! Call up Sag. They have the money this week and Sister Mary just told them to be generous. Despite your money troubles, Aquarius, you’re doing something pretty awesome with yourself—taking advantage of the self-reflective qualities of Pisces and Scorpio which aren’t especially natural to you, but will have done some quite nice things for your character. Careful you don’t feel so generous you spend all your time with a needy Leo or Taurus on the phone. They’re going to be one for the couch this week, and might zap you dry.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Pisces, with Mercury getting everyone to chat up your language, and Venus pointing the romance ray-gun straight at your heart (and groin…) Sister Mary wants to know why you’re still sitting on your butt picking skin off the bottoms of your feet. Sitting around and stewing in your own thought juices are attracting the Disruption Gremlins energy that’s heading your way and on the menu for Wednesday. Somehow, the vacuum of your brain is causing the major leak in your kitchen ceiling. Get up, get out, shake up, shake out, do something with your hair. Time to get the energy moving back in your life, or else the Great Bastard Above will do it for you. You know how that always turns out. Why let it happen again?

Turning in now, kittens!!! Sister Mary has a long day of mead-brewing in the mornin’!

Not on strike.

They'll be up tomorrow night!!!

xoxo
SMM

Sister Mary Has Returned!!!!

Okay, boys and girls. So we didn’t quite reach our goal of $500 to fund Sister Mary’s tarot project. It’s not too late! You can still donate in the upper right corner!

Remember how scattered and unfocused your last two weeks were when you didn’t have Sister Mary to remind you of how shitty it could be. The next time she asks for cash, make sure you bring your wallet—not just your habit!!! HAHAHAHA!!! Hoo-boy. Wrong context on a joke that wasn’t all that funny in the first place…

Over the next few days, you’ll notice everyone around you is nodding into their IPods and journals and pondering their place in the Universe. Don’t let it annoy you too much. You probably won’t notice as you’ll be doing the self-work as well. Sun, Mercury and Venus in self-over-aware Pisces with a Moon in ego-centered Leo means our thoughts and actions are all about US US US. Even more than usual! Oh, well. So be it. We’ll come out better for it once the weather is nicer. Sister Mary isn’t even sure why she’s typing this, as you’ve surely just skipped it to go read about YOU YOU YOU.

It’s the week of March 16-22!!!! Drink it up and wear some green.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Cool! You’ve embraced the Cancer in Mars energy and finally did the dishes growing a mold and roach colony in your house. All seriousness aside, the work you’ve done on your home-centered matters is coming along, nicely. So why did it all break down at the last minute? You’re reorganizing dish towels and it’s not getting any better, is it? The roaches are still coming back. Maybe if you broke that habit of leaving your cereal bowls on the coffee table when you head out the door for work, that might help. Basically, Sister Mary is telling you that there is still some nasty glue-huffing habit you simply refuse to quit and your bleeding nostrils make you less attractive to be around. Also, be nice to your co-workers. They’re feeling sensitive.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Oh, baby bull. Something crappy happened in Taurus land and has left the sweetest of our Earth signs sobbing quietly in the staff restroom. Taurus hates goodbyes. Every knowing has its eventual unknowing. Basically, every goldfish you come across, Taurus, will eventually end up in the Great Toilet Bowl in the Sky. With the aquarium of your life suddenly dismally empty, it’s time to take advantage of this Overtly Piscean week and focus on you. Feed your inner bull some spiritual free-range grass. Light some candles and do something you would otherwise consider better for your Cancerian roommate. They might even lend you some lavender oil. Did you know that’s a great plant for Taurus? Sister Mary thinks so, anyway. But she may have you confused with Gemini.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Hmmm…maybe you’re the one who blew out of Taurus’s life this week. Bad Gemini. Be kinder to your sensitive Earth Signs. Gemini, if you haven’t been fired or dumped recently, be very careful as it looks like you’re more likely than ever to deal with such inconveniences. Shopping for a new sub/dome/switch is tricky this far into spring. Besides, with Venus in Pisces, your romantic couplings are more likely to be chaotic debacles, and not in a cutesy way. Do your best to stay out of your boss’s way for a bit. You only have to hide out for a few days because come Thursday, something really awesome will happen. Sister Mary doesn’t know whether it will be a raise, an orgy, or the eviction of the family in the apartment above you—the fam with the six tap-dancing children. Eat it up. You’re the lucky one.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Ah, it’s still all work-work-work. More trips to IKEA, more coats of paint, more crap to dump on the curb. With Mars still burning up the Cancerian house, we’ve got this overabundant need to complete every task ever presented to us and it’s annoying to the Pisces-influenced people around us, who just want to chill with a Corona and watch Lost. We’re just not in THAT PLACE right now and they’re just going to have to DEAL WITH IT. While our homes and wardrobes are looking right spiffy, where we should be putting our Mars energy should be deleting the MySpace profiles of the assholes we dumped last year. Somehow, it’s always the letting go that’s the hardest for the Crab. Sigh.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leo has to make a decision this week, and it’s one that will eventually make the world a better place. Out with it, Leo. Speak up about that taxing matter. Someone, somewhere, craves your chivalry and it’s time to pull an Aslan on some shitty White Witch Ass. (Such cruel use of the word…) You’ll be happy for doing right and will probably get a statue of you in a town square, somewhere. Now, since the moon is in your sector, it’s also a good time for you to preen your inner kitten. Your gallivanting and saving the world has been kind of taxing on you as well, and it’s time to go get some rest. Ask Taurus to lend you the lavender oil when they’re through with it.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Yeah, you’re feeling the Pisces pull, too. Not normally known for self-reflection (who has TIME for that airy-fairy CRAP!!! says Virgo), even our precocious Virgins are spilling their guts into LiveJournals this week. Good! Certain things have to be worked through!!! That’s what’s good about dealing with Saturn is that it takes all of your money, so you’re forced to have to deal with your nasty-ass demons. There’s nothing else to do, when you’re finally tired of diddling with yourself. Secret forces of the Universe not so secretly want to maneuver you like a little chess piece. Sister Mary can’t explain it, but the Great Bastard Up Above is getting some helpful action out of your complication life and plans to reward you. Eventually. Meanwhile, continue to let go of old b.s. and embrace a brighter future—sans Saturn.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Hmm…..money. Are you making more money? Did you get a raise and not donate to the Sister Mary fund? You bastard. If you didn’t, you need to stop reading this because it isn’t fair. Libras across the galaxy are starting cool new lives in the coming weeks, in the Moving On Up To A Deluxe Apartment kind of way. They’re also going to run into someone from their past. Let’s hope it’s not anyone to whom they owe money. (Do you see a theme here, Luscious Libra?) Let’s hope it’s someone sexy. Is it the same person you ran into a few weeks ago, before SMM went on strike? If so, maybe they’re not just a thing of the past anymore.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Eh. You’re used to self-obsession. The planetary influences this week will feel happily natural. You’ll probably dip back into your favorite pool of depression in the first few days of the week. That’s okay. A journey to the dark part of your inner cesspool will bring back plenty of material for your latest lulu.com creation. Keep with the self-work. Whatever crazy inspiration you manage to draw from it will eventually pay off. Maybe the studio will finally get back to you and make a movie about your life. And that means you’ll make money! And THAT means you can finally donate to Sister Mary’s cause!!! Eventually. Meanwhile, you need to keep meditating. The donation you can go ahead and do.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Now, you are WHOLEHEARTEDLY resisting AstrologyExplained’s EMBRACE THE STUPID SELF campaign. Not that Sister Mary came up with it. The Universe sent it this way and made Sister Mary give it to you, dirty and straight up. Sag, you need to let it go. Sag, you need to go within. Sag, you need to open up your black little heart about those super annoying things called “feelings.” If you don’t do it, you’ll gain fifty pounds and develop backne. (The last part is a threat, not a promise.) You’ve got an opportunity to make things right with the people you’re crazy about, and you better not miss it. Your therapist will strangle you. And she’ll go to jail. And you’ll need a new therapist. Too much to do, so little time to take over the world…

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Maybe you’re the one struggling with a Sagittarius. They’re not so good at expressing themselves. Even if it’s not a Sag, you took something the wrong way. Again. Oh, Capricorn. You simply must learn to not take it so hard. Most people have not a clue as to what a giant asshole they are, the majority of the time. Go within and let your innerchild throw a tantrum or two. Sister Mary isn’t going to stop until she has every sign meditating on themselves and learning something about it. Be careful with the lover’s lament crap. You may be enjoying your suffering more than you’d like to admit. Ah, hell. If you truly enjoy suffering, you might as well continue.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
You look like you’re separating from a number of folks. Maybe it’s you who had the problem with the Capricorn. You, definitely need to nail your butt to a yoga mat and do some charka aligning. You’ve gotten so out of touch with yourself recently that your own mom asks you to repeat your name a few times. Another note about miscommunication. Your girlfriend/boyfriend won’t stop crying? I guarantee it’s something you said. And forgot you said. Try to remember what it was, or at least pretend you’re sorry. Pretend hard. Ruptures are likely for you right now, Aquarius. And they won’t be any that you like.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
It’s a good time for you. A rare occasion in the zodiac when everyone around you is on your same introspective page. First of all, the phone is quiet, so no one is bothering you. Second, you’re not insane. It’s official. All of your friends are crazier than you. But you didn’t hear that from Sister Mary and you DEFINITELY ought not to repeat it. Miscommunication is a problem this week with Mercury in your sector. Speaking in riddles and rhymes that go over the heads of the people you really do like, deep down. However, it’s also a good time for nuts like you. You’ll get closer to some folk who are helpful to you, and further away from folk who treat you like crap. It’s about time.


Sister Mary missed you!!! She’s so glad to have you back!!!