Sunday, February 24, 2008

DON'T FORGET TO DONATE

Thank you to those of you who dropped a few bucks on that cute little DONATE button in the UPPER RIGHT CORNER. It’s still there, waiting for you! Sister Mary is asking for one measly dollar from each of you to fund the construction of a tarot deck. The goal is raise $500! At last count, we weren’t anywhere near that. So pull out your credit cards and leave one little dollar (or more if you can swing it) to support the nun who brings you everything you never wanted to know all about you…every friggin’ week!!!

Welcome to PISCES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ah, it’s that time of year when we start to get restless in the last few throngs of winter, but Pisces law indicates that what’s on the couch stays on the couch. None shall change until the pretty girls hit the streets in their bikini tops—or when the cops are coming up the stairs. Yes, we’ve got cabin fever, but the Pisces influence will keep us comfortably uncomfortable until the last of the snow melts. (Let’s be honest, though. Global warming brought us plenty of warm, sunny days—we can’t complain too, too much.)

Read on for more stellar Planetary Movements!!!

It’s the week of February 24-March 1!!!! Time to pay the rent again…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Game over, restart, back to the first place. OR—cross the threshold, unpack the bag, fumigate for roaches and settle in with a pizza and friends. However you want to do it, Aries is starting over this week. A detoxifying cleanse, a new relationship with someone who doesn’t remotely resemble the douche you just dumped, you finally quit sniffing paint—cool! Aries resists change until the last frigging second, but is quite good to let the past be (sort of) the past and ram their horns into a delicious future. Aries, you’re going to overhear something in the company bathroom that will work in your favor. Believe it or not, it won’t make you want to kill anyone. This is a growing time for you, and it looks like the growing could include cash. Don’t spend it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Something kind of blew up at you last week, didn’t it? Sensitive little earth sign, something went and snarled at you for no proper cause. If this means a certain bitch or pussycat won’t be making its rounds near your place anymore, so mote it fucking be. You were doing fine without all the scratches and bites. If you think this is a situation where things can be worked out, limit yourself to leaving less than seven voicemails a day. Whoever is irked in your realm at the moment needs a little more space before they’re going to want to play with you again. Oh, stop wringing your hooves. It’s all going to work out fine and you’ll be onto new drama before you know it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Have you slept at all during the past few weeks? Probably not. Mars has paved a major freeway in the National Forest of your life and while it’s good for commerce, alleviates traffic, blah blah blah, your inner Spotted Owls are weeping, viciously. In plain terms, Gemini, this means you ought to go easy on yourself. Good things are happening for you, but how are you going to get to enjoy them if you double-tail spin into a nervous breakdown? The good thing about Mars, highway or no, is that it gets us started on new things that enhance our creativity, organize our homes and may even (GASP!!!) make us some money! It’s another time of new beginnings for you. Partner up with an Aries (if they’re still speaking to you), as they’re entering Blank Canvas time as well.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Ooh, boy. Just when we thought we’d shed ourselves of our favorite mistakes, they show up again in all new colors, flavors and textures!!!! Weee!!! So much new material to bring to group therapy on Thursday. Cancer brethren, we should be praised for having moved on from every trauma that assaulted us (imagined or no) in the latter part of 2007. 2007 was a bad, crappy, no-good, horrendous year for most Cancers. Even those who had awesome things happen ran into a couple of bad nasties as well. The bad news is that the Great Bastard in the Sky is planning on testing us on our ability to release—by bringing back the situation we tried so desperately to leave behind. And it will leaving us crying into our pinot glasses. Hopefully, not for long. Call SMM if you need sympathy. She’ll be doing it, too.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Well, Leo, you’ve turned over a new leaf, you’ve got a fresh new outlook and a dynamite new hairdo—now let’s see if any of this lasts while you weather the winds of the assholes who descend come Tuesday. Leo, this is your test to see if you can handle daily b.s. on your own. Your friends and family won’t be extremely sympathetic this time, as you used up all your Cry and Snot on the Shoulder points in last week’s meltdown. But you’re strong enough to handle this. You know you are, deep down. Anyway, you don’t really have a choice, but the good news is that real drama will enter the scene by Thursday, and make you forget all about Tuesday’s woes. You’re better at handling real drama than imagined, anyway.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Hmm….interesting. Looks as though the Universe is giving Virgo a teensy-weensy break from their time in Saturn: Planet of Suck. The Mercury and Venus in Aquarius hasn’t been all that friendly to Virgos. Mercury, planet of chit-chat and Venus, planet of Stupid Cupid, are both in the flighty, distracted, undefined sector of Aquarius which will INFURIATE the pragmatic, “EXPLAIN WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS” sign of Virgo. Oy. And, the good news is that the first part of your week will be so calm, you might even get depressed that you have nothing to flex your jaw about. It’s only going to get better. When stormy waters start circling your virginal (HA!) vessel, you’ll actually pull away from the drama this time and not freak out about it! See? These are the kinds of tools Saturn of Suck leaves us—after it shatters our minds, hearts and pocket books.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libra, buy more candles, incense and pretty-perfumey bath salts. It’s time for more self reflection. Libras have seen more Me Time in 2008 than in any of the last five years, or more. Generally signs that shrug off b.s. and avoid toxic people, they rarely find a need to sit down and commune within. But this moon in Libra, falling under the highly self-reflective sign of Pisces will find you deep in meditation. Stay in the bedroom or living room, avoid the woods because you’ll find more hypothermia than enlightenment. Avoid people this week, that’s your SMM advice. Many are running through cyclones and won’t be very sensitive, or fun.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
So, what kind of chaos magick were you up to—going and appearing in people’s dreams? What, you weren’t getting enough attention with sexy Pisces on the scene? Get over it, Scorpio. You’re not the only creature in the Universe that attracts the attention of genitals. Something has seriously crawled up your stinger this week, and of course, Scorpio, you’re not letting it go and you’re out plotting revenge. Remember the burns marks you’re still suffering from the last time you went after your ex’s new lover. Not to mention the restraining order and time in the pen. Repeating mistakes only leads to new trips to the Emergency Room and the staff is starting to recognize you. Give this thought some time, and you’ll be able to plot revenge in a new way even the Federal Psychic Division won’t be able to trace.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Wow. All kinds of things popped out of the cauldron this week, Sag. Some sort of major breakthrough, some sort of wholeness and completion, some sort of stagnant growth, and some sort of depression. That’s a lot for a cute little archer like you! Sag, you’re starting out the week quite strong. Your brilliant new idea looks like it could be a reality. A sense of security will overwhelm you like pretty little hallucinated butterflies. But some evil bastard is going to pop out of the woodwork around Wednesday or so and shoot all of those little butterflies in the head. Go back and figure out why you needed to have your plan come into being so badly. Was it a malaria vaccine you plan to donate to Doctors Without Borders and save hundreds of thousands of lives? Or a phony malaria vaccine you plan to sell to the Bush Administration, so they can inject it into pubescent teens in Michigan in the name of freedom from terrorist mosquitoes—in February? Does this phony vaccine contain massive quantities of valium? Whose side are you on anyway, Sag? That’s your eternal question for the week.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Great changes have taken place in the Universe and Capricorn, you’re the one who is going to make them happen. Jupiter, Planet of “Just Fucking Do It” and Pluto, Planet of “Fix it After We Just Fucking Do It” both landed in your sector within the last two months and plan on hanging out here for the next decade plus a few. Considering the debacle of the this country’s leadership, you’ll be taking the reigns not only in government, but at home as well. You’ve been watching your compatriots break things in the name of improving them and shatter things in the name of saving them and now it’s your time to get in there and say, “STOP IT, YOU STUPID MORONS!!!” Then, it will be time to clean up the mess. Good luck with it. Keep your flask handy and don’t say Sister Mary didn’t warn (and love!) you.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
You should be happy and sitting pretty. Mercury and Venus are still chilling in your oh-so-cool sector. They’re both confusing the hell out of all of us. Our lovers are shouting our bizarre things in the sack and we can’t keep track of them once they go back to their spouses—cell phones keep getting dropped in the toilets and Facebook comments keep popping up in obscene places. But for Aquarius, that’s simply another day in the life! This week is going to start off slow and sluggish—something as simple as a hangover or something as serious as a hangover. But you’ll feel better by Tuesday and will continue to enjoy this blessed time when everything people say to you makes sense for a bit. That will change shortly, but will bring important information before it goes away.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Pisces, really. It’s time to let go. Whatever rotten old habit or relationship you’re clinging to, the Universe is telling you that it’s very much time for you to get going. Hanging on might seem good for you, but is it benefiting the moldy stuffed monkey you still keep under your pillow? Wouldn’t it help the world if you let it go back to the great toy box in the sky? Of course not, you’re Pisces and contrary to popular belief, you’re worse than your Crabby friends at letting shit go. Frankly, Sister Mary warns, if you don’t let the old stuffed monkey go, your mom will fly up from Baltimore and dispose of it for you. She’s convinced the monkey is the reason she doesn’t have grandchildren.

Don’t forget to DONATE!!!! SISTER MARY IS COUNTING ON YOU!!!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Aquarius...and an Urgent Request!!!

Very important. Your cooperation is essential.

Sister Mary Manhattan is not contacting you on behalf of the Flying Monkeys. (Although they’re looking quite lean.)

She is not contacting you for Guinness funds.

She is not contacting you for Sister Mary Brooklyn’s rehab, Sister Mary Astoria’s visa or Sister Mary Bronx’s bail.

Sister Mary Manhattan is designing a tarot deck.

Yup! You read it. You heard it.

IMAGINE!!! SMM WIZDUMB WHENEVER YOU NEED IT, WHEREVER YOU NEED IT—IN YOUR OWN HOME!!!

This could be a reality, but a Tarot deck takes a team to create—and this team needs money!

If you enjoy AstrologyExplained (and secret sources tell Sister Mary that many, many do) make a donation on the cute little DONATE button, upper right corner.

The goal is to raise 500 bucks to pay for artists, photographers, film, materials and beer for models.

While SMM is asking everyone to give what they can, even $1 helps. If all you critters dropped $1 on the site, SMM won’t have to nag you about this next week.

First person to donate $50 or more gets a personal ass-trology chart PLUS a Tarot consultation!!!

Sister Mary knows how broke you are—but you can find it in your wallet to leave $1.

Drop a dollar— on that cute little DONATE button in the upper right corner or face week after week of begging until each of you contribute. Sister Mary will not stop until $500 is reached.

Now, onto your favorite Air Sign!!!

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 19)

Yes, we’re nearing the end of this year’s Age of Aquarius—but that’s typical, right? Airy Aquarius showing up when it makes sense to them to do so, not when the rest of the world is counting on it? While the “Hey, man, chill…” attitude would make you want to choke anyone else who says it, Aquarians get away with it. They’re so damn likable, loving and enviable!

Aquarius is your friend that may or may not show up, but when they do walk in the door, you’re instantly at ease, and equally frustrated. How is it that they’re so easy-going? It’s a great mystery of the Universe, friends and lovers. Your Aquarius is the couch-hopping guitar player guy you tried not to fall for, and tried to hide from your mom because you knew she’d disapprove of the choice. Of course, she fell for him too, when he serenaded her at your family reunion—which he crashed. Your Aquarius is the girl who promised you life-long partnership, but never agreed to wear the ring, who shrugged and said sure when you showed up at her door in the middle of the night and asked her to run away to Mexico with you. She probably did the same thing once before with a different guy. Aquarians are passionate, but not clingy. Honest, but sometimes you wish they’d figure out the white lie trigger. They are loving and devoted friends and partners, but not doting nurturers.

Aquarius makes a better free-lancer than an office drone. They need lots of flexibility to get things done on their own time, but if you hire an Aquarius to do your proofreading, roofing or dogwalking, you’ll be highly satisfied with the results. They work hard and quickly, but won’t be tied to a schedule. They’re likely to make their money in a variety of ways, as doing one thing at any point in their lives comes out terribly boring in their mind. Most of them are attracted to the arts, but probably received surprisingly high grades in math and science back in the school days. Their minds are capable of mastering many things, even if they don’t always show fiery interest in anything in particular.

If you’re dating an Aquarius, you can expect a harmonious partnership. They don’t seek out drama and don’t need it to “feel the passion.” They can have the hardest time finding mates of any sign, but that seems to bother them less than it would a different sign. They’re often too distant for the average water sign, too passive for the average fire sign, too impractical for the average earth sign and often naturally drift away from their fellow air brethren. If you do find yourself involved with one of these critters, be sure let them have as long a leash as they need. Many (but not all) are polyamorous, so keep that in mind. Most are quite flirty and naturally attract other flirts. However, they will be respectful of your wishes and will either accommodate or leave, rather than lie or betray.

If you’re friends with an Aquarius, you may go a decade without hearing a squeak out of them, only to have them turn up in your inbox and keep chatting away as though they just saw you yesterday. They’re fun and lively and will have the best plans in mind to take your worries off your navel. They know the best bars. They’re involved in the best underground scenes. They’ll kidnap you for your own good and take you to the beach in the middle of the night and back without even needing the Trucker Meds.

Don’t hold it against them that they’re flighty. Darker Aquarians can come off as isolated and cold, selfish and uncaring. Those are very few and very far between. They can be competitive to the point of damaging and some have difficulty accepting responsibility when they fuck up. Again, if you come across an Aquarius exhibiting these traits, don’t get pissy and hate the whole specimen. Sister Mary would be happy to remind you that you have your own set of nasties. Go look and see what she wrote about your sign.

Meanwhile, a GINORMOUS (and belated) HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Sarabella, Shay, A.B. Levy, Bartender Eric, Texas Dan and Nicole! You are loved more than you possibly know!!!

Welcome to the week of February 17-23!!!! Someday, Sister Mary will return your stupid phone calls…

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, the moon is in Cancer right now which means a lot of people are going to jump up and down on your last nerve. Most of the Universe is going to be navel-gazing and making a lot of stews before going to bed without cleaning up the kitchen. This too shall pass. Calm the fuck down. Plus, Aquarius is still hanging around, so we’re going to be even more distracted, which will make things worse for you at the office. There’s a warning here about miscommunication, so watch who you lecture—you might end up sleeping in the garage if you piss off the wrong spouse. Don’t worry. Pisces is moving in next week to confuse you in new ways.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The Cancer moon will work in your favor, Taurus, as people are finally attending to your emotional needs, which has been sorely lacking during the time of detached Aquarius. You’ve had a crazy couple of weeks. Money crisis (which gives you unreasonable hives). A master plan to resolve money crisis (only to discover the sperm bank is full—you weren’t the first to have that plan). But turning to that same brick wall (symbolic, darling, and you know of what Sister Mary speaks) to black yourself out for coveted numbness is going to give you yet another concussion, and your insurance company swore the last one was just that: the last one. Time for new tactics and new crutches. Don’t pretend you don’t know what Sister Mary is talking about. You’re a smart little mammal.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’ve still got Mars in your corner, so Sister Mary recommends getting your taxes done this week before it goes away and leaves you chasing that cute fanny of yours, again. Unfortunately, it looks as though you’ve gone and embraced that screwy Mr./Ms. Hyde part of you again. For whatever overblown best-reserved-for-reality-t.v. drama you’ve managed to slip into, you need to quit pretending it’s not your fault. It might not be all your fault (surely there’s a Sag somewhere to blame…) but you probably helped bury the bodies. When the zombies come out, you ought to get in and help save the village. Oh, please. Like you’re paying any attention. Just go do your taxes. Sister Mary sees a refund coming your way.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Crap. Cancer Moon done gone caught Sister Mary listening to Tori Amos again, while she contemplates her fellow crabby brethren. Quick question—what happened to our money this week? Did we spend it all on bootleg DVDs and fresh winter squashes to better hide in our cocoons and pretend the world is far away? This is a very bad idea, as it will only pile back on all the Christmas weight we managed to shed during our January Master Cleanses. Time for us to quit reflecting on the screw-ups of ‘07, ‘06, ‘05, and ’04 and embrace ’08 with open claws. We have potential for awesome new friends and lovers to come sweeping in with grace and flattery and we want to be looking good and be the fun crustaceans we know, deep down, we truly are.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Now, Leo, everyone in your home, workplace and blogging community is aware that you’ve gotten over the bodega clerk and have set your eyes on the new bartender at your local beer hole. It’s very, very important that you keep calm. You have a good chance at getting laid with this one. If you’re feeling insecure, better to stay home a night. If you’re feeling confident, better to avoid flashing your titties at the desired person. Of course you’re gorgeous, but you’d do better if you let this person approach you this time. Sister Mary will repeat herself, slower this time. You. Have. A. Chance. At. Nailing. This. Person. Control thyself and you’ll have more success.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Sister Mary isn’t going to mention Saturn this week. Except she just did. Damn. Well, you knew it was coming, right? We just won’t dwell on it. It’s been a rough couple of weeks, Virgo. No one is undermining that. Especially this past week, things got even yuckier, just when you thought they couldn’t be anymore so. The good news is that your tolerance for pain is increasing. That may sound morbid (it kind of is…) but you’ll have a better time weathering the suck this week. When you get frustrated, and you’re bound to get frustrated, practicing taking time away from everyone who annoys you. You have every right to avoid the bastards, sometimes.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Wow. You’re still rocking this Aquarius time, aren’t you? Somehow, somewhere, Libras figured out the trick to going with the flow. Your work-on-self week (two weeks ago, if you recall) has paid off in immense ways and you’re going to approach this week with the force of Joan of Arc and St. Brigid. (Look it up, if you’re missing something here.) However, crazy people will insist on bringing your easy time to a halt. Stupid crazy people. Do not embrace the crazy. SMM repeats. DO NOT EMBRACE THE CRAZY. You are unable to save anyone from themselves. Save yourself and the rest will follow.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Ah, you Cassanova of the 69th degree. You won over every bitch and bastard your heart and genitals desired on the eve of Lupercalia. (St. Valentine’s Day, for the non-heathen brethren.) Now, they’ve all discovered how truly psycho you are and you’re left alone and sexless. Don’t get too down. Random chaotic events of the Universe are on their way to make things even more complicated and distract you from the woes of the heart. Sister Mary will leave it at that because she loves leaving you in suspense.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Your inner archer kicked some ass on the Valentine’s Day playing field. It looks more likely that Sag let go of someone obnoxious than embraced someone obnoxious. Or maybe they finally kicked an obnoxious habit that was annoying the crap out of someone they actually like a lot. Either way, Sag is entering this week feeling whole and fabulous. Find some Libras to kick it with, as they’re the only ones sharing the feeling. By the end of the week, Sag is going to come to terms with something or someone else they need to part with. The old beanbag chair of your Dad’s? The one that smells like cat? Yeah. Sister Mary is talking about that.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Still dealing with Venus in your sign, huh? Such a tricky planet. For the vast majority of Capricorns (and Sister Mary desperately hopes this doesn’t include you), Valentine’s Day kind of sucked. Capricorn has pissed and moaned about the collapse of Thursday’s expectations to the point that almost all of their LiveJournal buddies and ceased commentation. Capricorn, you’re really going to need to let that go. Sister Mary empathizes, but not really. She’s a Cancer and Cancers have had a rough go in matters of the heart—so go find a nice nun. Sister Mary wants you to get over it, buy a new outfit and hit the dancefloor no later than Wednesday. Dance your cares away. Worry’s for another day. Let the Fraggles play. (Remember? Remember???)

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
And, a final Happy Birthday to you gorgeous little bugger!!! The Universe is presenting you with one more gift for Birthday ’08 by sticking Mercury in your sign for the next few days. Wait. It’s in Retrograde. So, if that new I-Pod doesn’t work (as we may recall, Mercury in Retrograde ass-rams everything electronic), it’s not that Mom and Dad were cheap. The Gods are just bastards and always will be. At least people are trying to speak your language. They don’t know exactly what they’re saying to you, but they’re making something of an effort. Might want to avoid people this week. They’re not going to do anything but take what you say the wrong way.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Standing on the sidelines, watching all the knuckleheads fall on their own switchblades—Pisces, at some point you’re going to need to step in and remove the sharp objects from the (SYMBOLIC) sandbox. Yes, we know it always seems to fall on you to do just that, but the Universal order of Jobs of the Zodiac won’t be changing this week. Shake it up and get over it. You’ll be happier when everyone else is functioning normally and all the chaos is sufficiently put back together.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Got my mojo workin', but it just won't work on you!!!

Oh, blessed sinners!!! So much love in the air, where doth it all begin???

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries don’t fall in love often, but when they do—it’s going to happen fast and it’s not going to fade easily. Although their relationships tend to be faster and more furious than the other signs, and often fall tremendously apart, they don’t lose the feeling. If an Aries has loved you at one time, it's can pretty much guarantee that they still so--but disguise it by throwing flaming darts at your photo. Dating an Aries? Take them dancing. Get them hot and ready on the floor, and then get their asses off that floor and into the cab. They’ll start the party there, and it’s only going to get better. A hot date with an Aries will start out public, but get real private, real fast—and last until 3:00 p.m. the next day. If you’ve pleased them, they’ll probably cook pasta for you at 4:00 a.m. in their underwear, just before they take you one last time on the kitchen floor. Aries--love is blossoming for you right now, but at that ungoddessly slow pace that makes you want to kill the object of your affections. Be patient with the person you're after. They might be a virgin or they might just be shy. Don't blow up yet and scare them off.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
These feisty little beasts are far more romantic than the typical horrorscope book would indicate. They tend to fuse into relationships, while still maintaining their own sense of identity. This fusion is caused by an extreme loyalty and dedication inherent in Taurus kids—and a determination to make everything work, even long after the relationship should have been declared D. O. A. Basically, if you’re poly, don’t date Taurus. They will HATE you. Some of you crazier fire signs would be good to remember that solid-seeming Taurus can get a little insecure, so make sure you remind them that they’re pretty damn fabulous at regular intervals. If you’re taking one on a date, they’re likely to tell you that they “don’t really need a present,” and “let’s keep it simple.” Buy them a present. Keep it quiet, intimate, but spend money on them. They will notice and they will appreciate it. Taurus, if you're experiencing giant icebergs at the bars or frozen screens on EHarmony, it's not your fault. The Universe is simply fucking with you. Crappy to tell you this, but it may not be the best time to go sniffing out Mr. or Ms. Right. You've probably got a Karmic baglog of things that need to be done before love can come in, so get it over with so Sister Mary can bring you a better love reading next time.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Tried and true Gemini rule: The Bitches Ain’t Boring. You have got to keep surprising these people, don’t ever get into a rut with them. They’re going to keep surprising you, too—new interests, new friends, new massive road trips in stolen blue school buses. They don’t do well with insecurity, so (Cancers and Leos...) keep it in check. Gemini likes independence in themselves and their lovers and don’t plan on having to coddle. Protect, yes. Deep nurture—not so much. Taking out a Gemini for your Valentine’s Day? Go out, go out, go out. Or throw a big party. Get as many people around for them to talk to as possible. Even if it is the date-day of the year, bring home a couple of your friends and let them crash in the bed with the two of you. Sex or no, Gemini will be so happy that the party kept going even into sleepy time. In the morning, you can have a Mad-Hatter Tea Party with all the friends you brought home. Do a little—not too much—swooning infront of everyone. Gemini will like the attention, but don’t cling or smother them. They’re going to want to talk to everyone. Gemini, pay attention to the sweet little librarian nursing a scotch in the corner. Someone shy and awesome has got their eye on you, but you're too busy chasing the Aquarius with the fine rack. The quiet person may have something to teach you--and may surprise you with a Mr./Ms. Hyde owning a homemade set of dungeon equipment. Basically, someone likes you and isn't making it known. Find out for yourself.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You haven’t dated a Cancer? What the hell is wrong with you? We’re the best. Yes, we’re clingy, insecure, over-bearing, smothering, blah, blah, blah…every sign has its problems--but not every sign can cook. When you’re loved by a Cancer, you know it. We’re gonna take care of you better than everyone else because we’re quietly paying attention to your wants, and giving you what you need just when you need it—before you even realize that’s what you’re wanting. We take a lot of shit, but when we’re done. We’re done. And we’re not going to give you a lot of warning. “FUCK you, it’s over. So mote it be.” And if we say that, don’t waste your time and don’t piss us off by thinking you’ve got another chance. If you’re dating a Cancer, don’t take us anywhere if you really want it to be special. Cook for us. Massage our feet in front of the radiator. Throw your cell phone out the window if it rings. Denotes chivalry. Now, fellow Cancers: Most of us are feeling a bit of a lull during this time of chocolate and tin foil hearts. Time to retreat to the bedroom for some tear-stained poetry and Anne Rice. It's okay, crabby babies. Our time will thaw and we'll get to heal all those nuts currently damaging themselves on the battlefield of love. That means lots of rebound sex!!! Yay!!!!

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leos like to love. They like to cuddle. They like to say, “Baby, it’s going to be okay,” whether it’s true or not. They remember things about you, but they don’t necessarily like to have you do all those same things for them. They annoy the hell out of us sometimes, because you can’t coddle them—or if you do, you have to sneak up on them in one of their weak, insecure moments and pretend you’re just clipping their toenails, while you’re actually wiping their tears. They pretend to be all big and bad, but they don’t fool anyone. Don’t know why you Kitty-Cats try so hard. If you’re dating a Leo man, let him plan the evening. It could be one of those situations where you have to trick him into thinking it was all his idea. As for Leo women, you’re going to have to pretend the plans were already made and can’t be changed, otherwise she’s going to find a way to maneuver things the way she thinks they should be. And then she won’t be as happy with it. Buy them things, even though they’ll wrinkle their noses--preferring to be providers than recipients. But secretly, they’ll be quite pleased. Leo, unfortunately, your love forecast indicates a separation or a shift. If the relationship is in need of CPR, let's call it a DNR and call it a day. If there is a good solid chance in hell it could be saved, it's going to have to change. You and the person you're crazy about are going to have to break your favorite habits in order to continue to tolerate one another. True story, end of statement.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
A lot of discussion will be involved in your relationships with Virgos. Also, a lot of Scrabble. They’re quite romantic in their own way—you can tell when they’ve genuinely been thinking about you, but if you’re the type to need outlandish forms of romantic expression, move to Scorpio. Virgos are subtle, but sincere. They make good mates, if you don’t set external expectations on them. Taking a Virgo out for Valentine’s Day? I suggest a documentary film, a reading or play where they can sit and analyze for awhile, and let them analyze out loud for awhile at the bar or coffee shop later. You don’t have to shower them with lovey-dovey words, they’ll find serious listening quite romantic. Gifts? Think gadgets or games. But be prepared that you’ll lose your Virgo to the really cool toy you just gave them for like, two days. And although they can be introverted, they make surprisingly wild lovers—if you find the right seams to rip. Gemini, this could be the naughty librarian we discussed above! Virgo, you're going to make this one work if it kills you, aren't you? The Flying Monkeys applaud your choice of action, but keep in mind that there's a fifty-fifty chance it still isn't going to work, even with your best and best-calculated actions behind it. Remember that you are in the time of Saturn of Suck, and the Universe will continue to throw flaming shit-balls at your every turn. Don't take this to mean you shouldn't try. Go for it. Sister Mary wants you to. But understand that not everything works as you think it should--just because you think it should.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
“Buy me presents. I want presents.”That’s a direct Libra quote, by the way. These kittens are the biggest fusers in the whole zodiac. If you get hooked up with one, you’ve got a MATE. They are going to bring their all to your relationship and they’re going to find a way, damnit, to make it work. They will watch you, listen to you, know you, and smack you on the head if you fuck around. They give a lot of attention, but they need a lot of attention as well. Just like Taurus, they are also more sensitive than they let on, so when you feel the need to call them on their shit—try and be gentle about it, okay? They are forgiving creatures, though. They like sex, but more than they like sex, they like to be desired. Now. For the important thing. If you want to date a Libra, you’re going to need to get outlandish and ridiculous. I’m talking a dozen roses. And a horse-drawn carriage. And a sunset walk on the beach where you read the corny poem you wrote. Pictures, pictures, pictures. Making them presents is a good way to go, but you need to SHOW YOUR LOVE IN A WAY THAT LIBRA CAN SHOW TO EVERYONE. Libra, you may need to team up with a Taurus for beer, nachos and commiseration later as you too are going to run into your own problems with V-Day. Dropped calls, missed trains, bad traffic or catching your sweetie sucking the toes of a Sagittarius...if something goes wrong on your favorite holiday, don't take it personally. It's the Great Bastard above doing what the Great Bastard does so well--fuck it up.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
These slimy bastards will sweep you off your silly feet in three words or less. They are sexy, they are romantic. They are the type that climb up the fire escape? and sneak into your bed—not for sex, just to hold you. Well, maybe for sex, too. But they’re actually more insecure than your average Cancer. Do you find them attractive? Do you find them attractive enough? Who else do you find attractive? Would you ever want to date your ex again? These are very serious questions in the mind of a Scorpio. Now, we all know Scorpios have a teensy-weensy-itsy-bitsy problem with keeping their dicks and choochies to themselves. However, if their partner ever strayed on them—they’d probably find a way to make it look like not a big deal, but secretly plot the death of the extra lover and cheater. They’re naughty that way. They like keeping tabs on their former lovers (Don’t lie. That’s why you read my blog.), and are quite obsessed with knowing what their former lovers are saying about them. I say almost nothing about my former Scorpios….just to annoy them. If you’re wanting to date a Scorpio, male or female, let them take the lead. Scorpios don’t plan their dates, nor are the super-spontaneous with them. A date with a Scorpio just kind of “evolves.” I don’t know how to better explain that. You go over to a Scorpio’s house to borrow a cup of sugar, and six hours later, you find yourself sitting on the bank of a creek in the next state over, sucking that sugar from their thumb and watching the ripples on the water. It looks as though Scorpio is the winner in this Valentine's Day horrorscope saga! Scorpio, whomever you've been stalking throughout the winter is about to turn around and stalk you back. Won't that be fun? Keep an eye out for still-attached marital partners or broken-hearted formers. Meanwhile, you'll have great sex and lots of adventure. Shut up. We all resent you.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Not every Sag enjoys verbal abuse or the sight of their somewhat-significant-other slamming his/her purse against the side of the movie theater, but they do like that kind of “excitement,” or “passion” or “psychosis.” If you want a Sag to be your Valentine that year, you may have to trick him or her (ask a Scorpio for advice). Not, “What are you doing for Valentine’s Day?” but “Wanna hang out and do something on Thursday?” They'll show up at my apartment with a copy of Spinal Tap and a two pound Hershey bar and will say something like, “Hey, did you know it's Valentine's Day?” See? If you want to date a Sag, you have to pretend that it’s not a date. They’re not stupid, they’ll know it’s a date, but they won’t freak out if you let them pretend that you’re just pretending to go on a date. Competitive stuff: darts, pool, poker, those are good things to do with a Sag—keep them busy or they’ll get into your medicine cabinet. You might want to let them win, though, especially if they’re not good at the game. Careful with the flowers and the foofy stuff. Typical Sag will prefer a bottle of bourbon. Sag, you're in danger of coming on too strong during the holiday. If it doesn't go as planned, don't get too down because you're still sexier than the person they do end up going home with. Best course of action is to be gentle and approach slowly. Most of the Zodiac is walking around with wounded hearts this time of year and will need time before submitting to your cat o' nine.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn: that’s an investment right there. The kids have expensive taste, and they don’t come outright and just tell you what they want you to do for them. Gift-wise, emotion-wise, any of it. Capricorns truly believe that somewhere in your mind is a tattoo-ed list of all of their wants and needs, and if you don’t cater to them, they’re angry. Ever seen a goat get angry? They kick a lot of things--that sounds about right for your Capricorn. On the upside, they will provide for you and support you—provided you provide and support them, too. They’ve got your wants and needs down, too, but don’t forget the reciprocation. They don’t always thank you outright, but they genuinely appreciate you. (We think.) Yeah, if you’re taking a Capricorn out this Valentine’s Day, might wanna take out a loan, too. Of course, the investment is worth it. Go for quality, not quantity. Such as A diamond instead of a DOZEN roses. Capricorn, maybe you're the one Scorpio is going to capture this month! Looks as though Capricorn is going to weather a dramatic revelation about their love life--but that's a good thing! They either realize their platonic best friend is indeed their love of their life, soul mate, karmic brethren, or they WON'T and they'll MOVE ON from the co-worker who still won't return their calls! Capricorn, whether or not you have a Prince or Princess Charming waiting on your stoop on Hallmark's Holiday, you'll march through the next few weeks with a smile on your face. It's a good time for you.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
They’re fun, oh yes, they’re a friggin’ blast and a half. But you’re going to want to stand still when you’re trying to date these cats. Don't chase 'em, don't cage 'em. They’re less likely to have the “Do we want to move in together?” discussion, and more likely to come over to your house one day and never go home. Many Aquarians have married before, but Sister Mary can’t think of any right now. They’re more likely to shack up for the long-term. Again, lots of fun, but if you need consistent I-love-you-and-will-never-leave-you-ever-ever-ever, Aquarius may not be your match. You’ll have one of your insecure, weepy moments and your Aquarius will look at you with a crinkled brow, and then go climb up on the roof to watch the fireworks. There may not even be fireworks that night—but that’s never really mattered to Aquarius. It’s not to say they’ll never be attentive to your emotional baggage, but they might leave it in the overhead compartment a little longer than the other signs. I highly suggest taking your Aquarius Valentine to an amusement park (if it’s not too cold) or some other place where they can run around for a couple of hours. Parks are good, too. Just open the car door slightly and watch them go, go, go. It’s February, so they’ll want that heated car again soon. Aquarius, you too are slowly blossoming into a love affair. Might be a good idea to slow down and take stock of that person who is so wild about you, and don't go skipping off into the meadow too soon, alone.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
These kids are hot because they tuuuuuunnnnnnnneeeee into you. Running into a new Pisces, you’re bound to feel as though you’ve met them somewhere before. The hard part with your fishy friends is that they're often up to something. Usually, it's for the good of humanity. Sometimes, they're psychically wishing your death. They're not always apt to tell you what's bothering them--and they don't always want to. They're not going to ask you to talk about your feelings, because they already know what they are. Like fish, they only survive under specific conditions, so monitor the stress, temperature and acidity of your apartment on a regular basis. You can try to plan a date with your Pisces, but they're going to manuever it whatever way they want it to go. They tend to construct their own moral universe, so be prepared to have to relearn their rules every couple of days. Don't forget to make them learn your rules as well. Pisces has been going through immense change over the past year which they hate, and sorry to say, Pisces, this isn't going to change in your love life, either. Something old must be let go, something new must be brought it. If it's going to be a successful change (i.e., one that won't require a Prozac/bourbon cocktail), you're going to have to grit your teeth and embrace it. No exceptions.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Crunched under another deadline....

Will have the 'scopes posted by tomorrow evening!!!

xoxox
SMM

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Running away from the real real world tonight...

With a sun in Aquarius and a moon in Sagittarius this week, we’re going to be more convinced than ever that the world is actually a fluffy bunny place of rainbows and sunshine and strippers without crabs. World leaders are improving things. Glaciers are growing. Yupsters are moving away and taking Starbucks with them.

It’s possible that all of this is true—but it’s more likely that happy-go-lucky Aquarius has teamed up with Fuck-All Sagittarius and made you think your Prozac prescription has gone up a few notches without your knowledge. The latter may be true. Might wanna check the bottle.

This week, we’re still feeling the effects of Aquarius in Mercury, we’re still talking big about the shape of the world and how if those crazy cretins in the Casa Blanca would listen to us, all things would be perfect—but we’re probably ignoring the traumatic events going on in the lives those close to us. If your roommate is playing Man Man’s Van Helsing Boombox repeatedly and hasn’t come out of the room except to pee in the last few days, you might want to go knock on the door. And with a Venus in Capricorn, your usually swinger-happy, poly-loving girl or boyfriend is suddenly flipping through wedding magazines and using that C word. That’s “commitment,” if you’re slow and hungover this morning.

All in all, the next seven days look to be both frightening and delightful, horrifying and delicious—just like every week!

Welcome to the week of February 2nd-8th! Please return to the Circulation Counter…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries, you really need to quit wiping the asses of others, as it’s wearing on your health. The Great Cauldron of Sister Mary decrees that you need to look at the people you’re hanging out with and make sure they’re not pulling a psychic vampire thing on you—sucking your soul and leaving you empty and unable to dance. If you succeed in not screwing that part up, it looks as though you’ll meet someone obscenely cool in the coming days—or re-link with someone you already know. This may mean severing ties with old assholes, because the new relationships you’re forming will take up a bunch of your precious time. That’s a good thing. Stay with it. Don’t return certain phone calls.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Pretty little bulls, it’s your time to open up, stop playing Greta Garbo and meet some new people! Contrary to popular belief, you—little socialite that you are—sometimes don’t like to come out of the apartment to play. The Flying Monkeys want you to let your guard down. The events of 2007 made you want to change your species—and even your home planet, if you could—and you may be experiencing a few spit-ups from all that movement. It looks as though there are a few more ties you need to sever. If you don’t sever them, they’ll do it for you. It will be painful, but don’t drink too much over it. It’s going to make room for much sexier beasts to come in and bite you.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Whoa, chatter-box. You need to calm down, tune in and shut up. Something has seriously crawled up your toga and it’s time to go take a bath. There is something in your life that requires brutal honesty—the kind that gets drinks thrown in your face. Wear goggles, but don’t hold back the truth. The good news is (Yes! Sister Mary provides good news several times a year, actually) that by week’s end, you’ll emerge strong and gorgeous and everyone in town will want to sleep with you. Speak the truth, and ye shall be laid. That’s your mantra for the week.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Cancers around the Universe took this time to clean up their bodies, minds and vocabularies (SH*T!!!!!!!!) at New Years, and several of us were able to accomplish that! With clean closets, healthy (er….health-ier…) livers and fresh paths to trod, we’re opening ourselves in all kinds of ways (hee hee) to new people and perspective. Always feels that way, doesn’t it, fellow Crabs? We’re always getting over some emotional trauma and learning something from it and rebuilding? Maybe we should change our symbol from Cranky Crab to Anal Architect. Sister Mary’s putting in a request.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Oh, shit. Leo up and fell in luv again. Someone go get a broom. Leo, when are you going to learn that just because the dude or chick selling beer at the Bodega has the most beautiful eyes you’ve ever seen and giggles when you tell them so, doesn’t necessarily mean that person is going to leave their spouse and six kids and run away with you to the Caribbean? Do you even have the resources to move someone to the Caribbean? When things get awkward at the Bodega, please don’t call us crying at 3:14 in the morning. The Flying Monkeys want you to work on breaking the habits that sent you into therapy several times over.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgo, Sister Mary knows she pissed a lot of you off with that reading last week. There truly wasn’t anything new to report. She does also loathe noting that you’re still going to have to work on your un-favorite chore: developing patience. There are many things our Virgos want to see happen, but Saturn visits all of us from time to time, making all of that excruciatingly slow and horrendously arduous. Many Virgos are finding that they need to let go of nasty habits that harm their health and make their apartments stink of glue. Many Virgos are also obsessing (duh) over some kind of failed communication. Did your cell phone break? If so, get a new one and shut up. If it’s a deeper kind of miscommunication, let it go. Somehow, it was meant to be, but don’t ask Sister Mary how.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
HOLY SHIT. Libra quit gabbing for twenty seconds and realized there was something major to work on in themselves!!! This is very cool. Only happens once in an eon or so to Libras, so if you’re heavily involved with one of these little honey-drops, don’t bother them for the next few days. They’re saying goodbye to something heavy in their lives and don’t want you bothering them. Now, Libra—with all this new self-awareness, don’t start getting all whiney and wanting reassurance from all of us all the friggin’ time. Relax and be happy, you have a glorious reunion coming. Either you’ll run into yourself during one of your yoga sessions, or you’ll run into that old love you’ve been pining for and discover they’ve acquired a nasty meth habit. You’ll be over that and ready to move onto something more glorious.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Sister Mary would recommend Scorpios team up against the world with Virgo this week—except she knows how un-well that would end. You too, Scorpio, are being leeched for patience this week by things far bigger than yourself. Since you still won’t be able to assassinate God this week, stay calm and retreat to your Fortress and plan for how to get out with the road-bumps finally go away. You can stare out your window and watch Virgo ignore this piece of very powerful advice and laugh when they slip on the banana peels placed for them. You too are struggling with miscommunication, but that’s because your Fortress gets lousy cell service. Might want to go out and look for a signal to make the ride smoother this week.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Well, you’re going to start out strong with week—helped along by the forces of your own gorgeous moon. However, there is weakness to come. You finally catch your co-worker’s cold and because you never slow down, end up with pneumonia. You got too busy on the job and your lover ended up boning someone else, leaving you feeling sexless and unattractive. (How untrue!!!) Suck it up and move along, slow down so that the people who love you can find you.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Venus in your own sign seemed like such a good idea earlier in the week, didn’t it? Yeah. Your thoughts are all on love and you’re thinking of Valentine’s Day, Prom Night and Eloping all in the same beat. Stop that. You’re scaring people. Most of the people you’re fantasizing about you just met last week. It also looks as though you’re spending too much time with Scorpio and Virgo—both of whom are going to be having communication issues and therefore, you’re bound to misunderstand something as well. Silly. Keep your cell charged and a box of tissues handy. You’ll need both at regular intervals.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Why are you so paranoid? Do the street people really make you that nervous? Come on, Aquarius—it’s not like you to get so defensive. Shut down and shutting out—yes. We’re used to that from you. But something has frightened you…oh. The Capricorn Venus. Looks as though someone out there is pushing you for a commitment to something you’re not ready for. Or think you’re not ready for. Make sure entering this commitment is a really, really bad idea before sprinting off into the hills again. Tears could be coming your way—make sure whatever you bid farewell deserves the bid.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
The week will start out slow and sluggish which means our fish are treading water slowly in the coming days. Pisces, you’re feeling depressed and cranky over things you can’t do anything about. When things suck and we can’t change them, remember this mantra: Eventually, suckage ceases. Sister Mary has a couple of things to tell you that you may not like, so quit reading if you’re not interested. Still here? Okay. It will eventually level out and you won’t feel so sad about the circumstances. But just when you get to that point, you’ll find a few more bright lights fizzle and fade. (That’s what you get with non-florescent.) Take heart and remember the mantra: Eventually, suckage ceases. It has to. That’s the law.