Monday, April 28, 2008

You tell me all your secrets, but don't lie about your past.....

Oh, dear. Sun in Taurus—but the crazy moon in Aquarius. Maybe some of you noticed that the full moon in Scorpio drew out secrets and wackness from the deepest regions of our subconscious and caused us to spill them across conversational lines with a force of twenty raging bulls. That’s where the Taurus comes in. China shops beware, our feisty friend Taurus has us on a wacky ride this week that doesn’t plan to stop for like, ever. Well, it will someday. But not this week. Mercury is also in Taurus which means people are going to do their favorite Bull Sign things and talk it all to friggin’ death. And with Venus in Aries, the sex will be hot but the breakups even more devastating. Don’t be too concerned! The moon has settled into flighty Aquarius which means that whatever we’re wrapped up in at the moment will fly away into “Oh, yeah. I forgot about that” in a manner of minutes. And we’ll be onto another obsession.

Cryptic enough? Read on, wise little sinners! Sister Mary has much more where that came from!!!

Aries (March 21-April 19)
While the Taurus energy is getting most of our slippery feet on the ground, Aries was already doing okay with their own hooves. The additional earth energy is going to make you feel stuck in the mud—which kind of sucks. But it isn’t all bad. The Taurus Mercury is going to make a lot more people sensitive to your rather blunt and fiery tongue. Your honesty may be mistaken for douchebaggery. Most of your problems this week will be the inability to work out issues with friends, lovers and co-workers because everyone around you will be too damn busy to sit down and have a State of the Relationship address. You’re Aries and therefore will feel physically and psychically constipated until you can get your point across. The opportunity will hit before the weekend, but don’t force it. And listen, this time. Stop snorting and growling.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
It’s all about you this week, pretty one! “About time…” Taurus grumbles, and SMM couldn’t agree with you more. Eruptions and destructions have plowed through Taurus like a paper bag of plutonium, but the new world created by your own nuclear destructions leave plenty of delicious opportunities for new friends, new lovers, and new shoes. Don’t get too hooked on battle. Breaking shit is a hard addiction for Taurus to curb. You’ve been very good all year, don’t start being Bad Taurus when it’s so close to your birthday and you want nice presents. You may have to take some time away from Pamper the Taurus to go be nice to someone else. That’s not hard for you, to be nice, but getting you out of the spa will be the challenge. Put a tight limit on the Sauna time and look out for Great-Aunt Ester. Besides, she has candy in her purse.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Chatter-box drama is overflowing the Gemini kiddy-pool this week. Gemini, you’re being warned to take note of the time on the clock before whipping out the phone and calling the BFF’s—or they won’t be the BFF’s for long. Do you really need all of this attention, or are you only driving yourself and everyone around you more than slightly mad? Consider, consider the time, Gemini. That’s your major cauldron warning for this week. Plus, if you pipe down a bit, you’ll be more likely to hear the cash-fairy when she comes knocking at your door. That’s right! Geminis have the opportunity to make some cash mid-week, and they better not blow it. Of course, they might not see this cash for a year or so, but better late than never! Start paying attention to all ringing cash registers, now.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You know, Mars in Cancer has made everything decidedly crappy. In ours heads, anyway. Thrown forward by this unusual need to accomplish EVERYTHING, we struggle when things don’t come sailing into our lap in pretty blue Tiffany’s boxes. It looks as though it’s this kind of week for Cancers. The coked-out motiviation will be met with a dried out and limp nutsack of opportunity. We’ll want to crawl into our shells and die. The shell part is a good idea. The dying part is not. Who will our co-dependant friends co-depend on? Now is also not the time to rehash the past. We will, anyway, because we’re Cancers. It’s a better week for reflection on who we are as Crabby Babies and how we can evolve to become stronger, sexier Crabby Toddlers. That’s our advice to ignore for the week.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leos have a bumpy start to this here week. Whether heartbreak, hangover or kidney stone, they hobbled into work this morning with a mimosa hidden in their travel coffee mugs and a thick supply of Advil (or acid…) under their tongues. If you’re involved with a Leo, pet them often. They’re sad little kittens this Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday. By mid week, the depression will set in for a bit. But only for a bit! No need to call the shrink, yet! They are more likely to curl up on the couch than go to the Pilates class with their friends, and that’s okay. They get one pass and this is the one. But by week’s end, they’ll emerge happy and shining with a fresh new gloss on their manes and will be back to purr, preen and entertain us. It happens. Don’t worry about them. But do spoil them.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Yeah, you and your Cancer friends should get together and feel sorry for yourselves in common spirit. You’re so sick of being in a rut, you’d like to chew through rock. It won’t help. But this time is a growing time for you. Yeah, SMM knows how much you just love (not) inspirational word-pills…but it’s true! A year from now, you’ll be very happy with yourself. And you’ll get to laugh at the poor saps stuck in Saturn once you’re all done with it! Ha ha ha ha ha.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
The chaotic Scorpio moon threw everything in your world off-center as well, which caused an outbreak in hives on Libras around the world. The early part of this week will find you reaping the rewards from your organized ways. Like, matching socks and milk that isn’t sour. This puts you miles ahead of the other knuckleheads that surround you, who are still chewing their curdled coffee and can’t even find the socks. Now, don’t get all fancy-pants and braggy, Libra. The end of your week wants to come and smack you in the ass, in a way that is not pleasant. So, keep your meditation tapes and scented candles handy. You’ll need ‘em. SMM promises. Hopefully you won’t need them too much or too long.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Well, well well…you certainly got something out of your own f-d up moon! Share, damnit! You’re reaping more and more awesomeness, which will only increase in the next few months. Take advantage of this productive time and like, get a job or something. Or sell your original graphic novel—the one you’ve kept under your mattress since the 11th grade. Also, take time to think about you, even more than you normally do. The theme of this Scorpio’s week is “The Self.” And it’s about “Self-improvement,” not “Persuasion, domination, and annihilation of everyone but Me.” It also might be a good week to send one of your Guys out after the punks that still owe you money for whatever drugs you scored for them back in college. Chances are, they’ve found some sort of income by now.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Oh, you’re totally fine for this week. Read no further. Ha! Now that you’re ignoring SMM’s advice, she’ll say it again. You’ll be very happy for the first part of the week, and the happiness is most likely inspired by that hottie still curled up in your bed. Things are going well for Sagittarius in the heart front. Even if that hottie is still a sharpie-marked body pillow made to look like your heart’s desires, the relationship with that pillow will deepen as it contours to your lusty frame. You, too need to watch that you don’t get so enwrapped in your pillow that you suffocate or something. (That’s a metaphor for all relationships—ADD friend.) Take some time for you by the end of the week or that person you’re so crazy about now will start to bug the crap out of you by Friday and you’ll be bored and lonely over the weekend.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Something has seriously crawled under your tail this week, lovely one. Something flared out, which disappointed you greatly. The temp job folded way before it was meant to, the five-week relationship that was going so well suddenly needed “space.” Weird. Well, don’t analyze it too much, but also don’t push yourself to get over something that may simply need some more time to hurt. If you’re upset, let it be that way and don’t try to shove it off the mental plane just yet. It’ll only bounce off the jagged valley floor and come back as a migraine over a tiny traffic jam. These things have a bad way of doing just that.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Huh. Why the hell are you so calm this week? It’s making us all nervous. Maybe your own moon’s influence just puts you in a state of bliss, now that everyone is moving to your groove for once. Something big—and good!—is about to enter your realm. A promotion, maybe. Promoting an Aquarius seems like a risky business venture and is a little less likely in the realm of conservative Taurus. In fact, that’s what it looks like will happen. Someone is about to give you a lot of responsibility and then come to their senses at the last minute. Don’t take it too personally. Did you really want to micro-manage office monkeys, anyway?


Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Strength is your objective and obstacle this week. You’d rather get a root canal by a rabid beaver this week—if it means you can stay in your dark little hole and hide from the world. Your time of hibernation is going to help you quite a bit. You’ll finally emerge (maybe when the weather turns) and you’ll emerge skipping (sort of) and humming (a little). Delicious new beginnings are on the way for Pisces, and they’d better make good use of them or Sister Mary will kick you with a stiletto. It’ll hurt. THAT she promises.

Be Good! Have Fun! Don’t waste your time trying to do both!!!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Here they are!!!!

Oh, why bother with intros??? You’re just going to scroll down to your sign!!!

It’s the week of April 20-26!!! Remember that tax guy? Thank God that’s done…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Stock your fridge, mend your socks and pick up the condom wrappers before the wife comes home. Your week starts out strong, Aries, but some kind of torpedo is on the way. It may be nothing more than an extra stall on New Jersey transit, and it’s certainly going to work itself out just fine, but keep some canned food on hand. Batteries and bottled water, too. Not that you’ll need these things, but you should probably get them, anyway.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Happy Birthday!!! Crazy interruptions hit our Bulls squarely between the horns last week, ranging from an irritating case of the hiccups to the explosions of boilers in the basements of their spirits. It’s not a great way to begin your birthday season. Taurus, it’s going to take a long time to get over these hiccups. Maybe a year or more. After you’ve finished with that China Shop, pay attention to when you ought to pull those horns in and sneak out stealthily before the cops show up.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
As happy and flighty as our Twins can be, they hold a grudge comparable to the most vengeful Cancer or Scorpio. (Maybe not so much as Capricorn—impossible to top that kind of grudge). And, it looks like Gemini woke up out of the bed this morning with a nasty grudge squarely painted on both of their faces. If you’ve upset a Gemini recently, believe that they are running off to weep in the company restroom numerous times during the day. (And you thought they had no feelings…) It’s okay. Geminis around the galaxy will take the time to have constructive conversations in which—of course—the other party will be unable to insert a word. But it will involve minimal throwing of drinks, knives or office supplies.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
We toughened up our shells this week, and this time, it wasn’t an illusion. People actually were out to get us. So, into the bedroom we went with a pretty lavender candle and dusted off our Ani DiFranco collection. Now, having brewed in our own resentful juices, we’re getting ready to go out there and say the things we’ve rehearsed in our bedroom mirrors. However, the rest of the signs have already forgotten that we’re mad at them. Cancers, we are being warned to not enact on our Telling Douche Off In Public Place. The best thing we can do is turn up the volume on our Inner Jiminy Crickets. Murder may not be the smartest course of action.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Our Leos also had reason to prance around with caution early this week. Either they were feeling far too sensitive, or the MILF they took home last week was actually a high powered official and now the press is camping out at our Leos’ dens. (Leo—remove the blindfold once in awhile, okay? The cuffs can stay.) Leo, it’s best that you separate from whatever situation is making you nervous to stand in wide open spaces. You, even more than Cancer, need to listen to that stupid cricket. You’re not as apt to murder as you are to be assassinated. Not everyone offering you a ride in a long, black car has your speed and punctuality in mind.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Saturn of Suck has put you into a near-permanent funk. It’s okay. We’re all getting used to your crappy attitude since the arrival of the Constriction Planet into your home space. While you’re moping into a podcast for the early part of the week, some delicious ray of light is coming into your life. Either the person you’re with finally puts out, or you shack up with the hot bartender who has been ignoring you for the past two years. Looks as though there’s a strong chance of living happily ever after! Finally some good news for Virgos. Doesn’t mean it’s going to last. But it might.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras expect a fairytale ending to every week. Now, when the glorious prince or princess failed again to sweep them away in a Jaguar of pink roses, they slammed their bedroom doors and acted like Cancers for the rest of the weekend. Libra, please don’t take attention away from our tantrums. Please. Are you pushing too hard to get your way, again? Isn’t it possible that since you got the lucky arrival last week, maybe it’s say, Scorpio’s turn to get it? Or maybe Taurus? Share the glory, friend. And don’t feel the need to return every phone call. Some co-dependants will last up to twelve hours without hearing from you.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Ooh! Scorpio loooooovvvvveeeessss a good secret. And it looks as though they pulled a nice juicy one out of the social closet. If no good tid-bits have been aired, the Scorpios are also finding that things are slowly moving in their favor. This is means their voodoo dolls have been highly effective! Now, Scorpio, remember that you are not immune to the effects of Karma. Wear a helmet and watch for falling pianos. The end of this week will end in some kind of promotion, either socially or professionally. Take Sister Mary out for martinis when you learn she’s right (you cheap bastard.)…

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
What is it with all the revenge warnings??? Sag, who in the world could you have pissed off? Clearly, it was someone important, or it wouldn’t have shown up in the cauldron the way that it did. When it starts to get frustrating, make sure you truly are upset and not getting off on the pain of ripping your own hair from your scalp. SMM recommends that you get together with your Cancer and Leo friends and all of you collectively call your Inner Crickets. Let’s keep revenge-inflicted wounds to a minimum this week.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Some horrid neighbor woke up Capricorns across the galaxy with ecstatic bedroom screaming or little children who love to pound the floor with horrid feet. Cranky Capricorns are toxic to be around, and it’s likely that they’re the ones out to get Cancer, Leo, Scorpio and Sag this week. We should have avoided the absinthe-orgy, kids…or at least invited Capricorn’s frigid ass to join us. They’ll be over the insult by mid-week when they receive dozens of I’m Sorry comments on their MySpace page. We’d do better to buy them flowers, but they also know we’re broke. Now, they’ll need to watch their asses by mid-week when we start calling them on their shit. Hang in there, Friends of Capricorn. As for Capricorn, just kidding. SMM thinks you’re right about everyone and everything.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
You’ve been so friendly and jolly this week—a welcome change from the rest of the signs who have been plotting to kill one another. SMM doesn’t know many Aquarius’s who make a ton of cash, but the Flying Monkeys are reporting that they somehow managed to lend a whole mess of it to everyone they know. Now, they’re broke but don’t come crawling up to the Convent this week asking for a scrap of booze. We told you to keep an eye on your flask and your cash. On the other hand, if someone does owe you money, or sexual favors, this isn’t the week to ask for it. It’s coming to you, but you don’t need to do anything about getting it, right now.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Mixed up communication all around. Explaining yourself has never been your strongest suit, or even closest to it. But when people call you crying over something you supposedly said in G-Crack, which you don’t even remember typing. There are numerous things in Pisces land that need fixing. Pisces needs to take this time and go within, acknowledge their inner-bastards and figure out how to get rid of them. Or at least, the parts of them that make others drink heavily. It’s a growing time for Pisces. They’ll do well in the long run.

SMM loves you more than you can possibly know!!!

Coming......

They'll be up this evening, darlings!!! Thanks for your patience!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Cranky Crabs, Strong Bulls and Stanky, Stanky Fish....

Seriously, now. If you didn’t get your spring cleaning done when the weather was still crappy—and spent those extra winter weeks watching Tivo—you might be tempted to go frolicking in the park, but you know how much better it will be for you if you get rid of the clothes you still couldn’t fit into this winter. It’s all good. You’ll surely be down two sizes next year.

Of course, having a Leo moon over the next few days will make reclining in the lawn chair seem far preferable to getting shite done, but you won’t be able to ignore the overwhelming surge of Aries energy coming in through your Sun, Mercury and Venus signs.

It’s the week of April 13-19!!! Remember that tax guy?…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Hmm….do you even remember what you drank/sniffed/inserted on Saturday night? How about where you did it? How about the name of the drag queen who’s still snoring in your bed? Aries, it looks as though you got so swept up in your own energy, you don’t even know the zip code of the place in which you woke up on Sunday morning. It looks as though this hangover, and other repercussions of your debauchery, will be following you around Monday and Tuesday. Oh, wait. Sorry. Nothing is following you, it’s just you kicking yourself to death. Oh, Aries. Don’t be so hard on yourself. When in the midst of weekend-memory hell, embrace the beauty of cucumber masks and classical music. The stringed-kind. Not the symphonies. Not with this headache, anyway.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Most Tauruses (SMM says most, so she doesn’t get spanked for being wrong about one or two) will get a little something fancy from the Tax Man this year. Either a little money back or a quiet little trip to Club Fed, depending on which side of the Responsible/Spendfiend Taurus coin they fall on. Taurus is going to do a hell of a lot better than Aries at getting shit done this week. They’re finally going to tell their partners to shape up, tell their bosses to fuck off (nicely, in a professional and diplomatic manner) and manage to get in for a mani/pedi before the next weekend. Good work, Taurus. The end of the week will feel like a new world. One of the Utopian ones with cheap, organic produce and a mess of happy, skipping hippies.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Yeah…you must have been the one leading “poor” Aries astray last week. Or maybe you just annoyed the crap out of someone. Silly Gemini. Late last week, you started feeling uncharacteristically (and ridiculously) insecure and clung to someone who was supposed to save you from yourself. From both of yourselves. Well, that person got annoyed really fast and now won’t text you back. Put down the phone, pick up a dirty magazine, do something with your hands other than call that person again. You’re very cute in your own wacky way, and they’re bound to miss you. Take Sister Mary’s advice and diddle you rather than the silent person’s digits.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
We should learn from Gemini and understand that there is no point in acting like whiney, sappy crabs when what we should be doing is going out and kicking ass in these last days of Mars energy. Most of us aren’t famous yet, but it’s quite possible it will happen before the end of the month, if we work really hard at it. Anyway, it’s a week where we have to get in touch with us and figure out what it is that makes us call our best friends, weeping, at 3:15 in the morning. Besides alcohol. Let us suck it up, bite our lips and wait it out. It’s probably just hormonal, anyway.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Since your moon is taking the world by storm in the next few days, you’re going to be quite powerful and successful at anything you try to do before Tuesday. Now, when the tides start to change a little bit come mid-week, squeeze those little paws of yours as tight as possible, because something is going to happen which will make you want to chew the head off a certain’s person’s neck. And don’t come crying to us when it’s all done. We took care of you last week, and most of us are going through emotional hoo-ha right now, anyway.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Good Goddess. It’s just not getting any easier for you, is it? Oh, Virgo, if Sister Mary could change your fate…she would so do so. After she changes the fate of Cancerians, first. Some evil bastards like to say that the origins of “suffering” actually means “undergoing.” Maybe it’s true. And it’s sad but true to know that the majority of your friends have patiently listened to you piss and moan for the past few months and while they do care, they’re going to be busier pissing and moaning about their own things. You’ll need to go back into your cave and paint on the walls for awhile. It’s the best thing to do in a time of Saturn of Suck.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Nothing highly unusual for our Libras at the moment. They’re doing fine, except for that chaotic nuclear meltdown over the weekend. SMM is willing to bet some Aries dumped their cookies on their new stilettos. You, like your Cancer and Gemini brethren, are being warned not to be crazy-needy in the next few days. You’ll have to wring your hands alone. Seems as though we’re all going to need to retreat to our hideaways this week. How odd. Not everything is going to go your way, Libra. And even if it did, it’s not always the best policy to have it do just that. Take a break this week from trying to control everything.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Hail, O Evil One! You are striding into the coming week in full glory. Everyone will bow and lick your go-go boots. Be careful not to go striding into the wrong meat market, as you’ll get the wrong sub to lick your pretty toes and end up with some pissed-to-hell dome running after you with a barbed cat-o-nine tails. Even in your world, that could be icky. Scorpio doesn’t like to run. To be pursued maybe. But not made to run. All seriousness aside, sharp ruptures are highly likely this week. Maybe they’re timely, though, although they won’t feel like butter. However, other openings are on their way as well, which is tremendously exciting. In whatever form they take, take them for all they’re worth. Hard. Harder. Damnit, you know you can do better than that.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You, like your Scorpio friends, are starting out this week very strong as well. Of course, you’re going to get that nasty-ass foot of yours stuck in your trachea and someone is going to go slash your tires for it. Exhausted from having to hitch ride after ride after ride, you consider giving up your job and just selling your shit on Ebay for awhile. That’s not a good solution. Take it as a learning exercise. Yeah. And don’t try to sneak 12 items in the 10 items or less line just to save you some time at the grocery. You don’t need that much time and people will hate you for it.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The early part of the week will be rough. That’s all there is to it. But when it gets rough, do that tuck and roll thing and let the chaos waves ride over you. It’s the only way to survive the early part of the week. And you, like Sag, need to calm down, slow down and don’t let the freaks get you down. Open up to your therapist, your spouse and your lover. They’ll probably annoy you, too, but they’re the best thing you got going for you at the moment.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Shake it up. SMM can’t believe she’s saying this to you. You? Lethargic? Whose medication did you steal last week? Well, it looks as though you’ll be reunited with your old rehab friends sometime in the coming week. Hopefully, you’ll run into them in a squeaky clean Starbucks and not in the hospital cafeteria. Careful, though. It looks as though your old junkie friend may be asking to borrow some cash. You’re going to need it to get your grandpappy’s watch out of the pawn shop, so don’t give it out.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Ooh…..Pisces. Something is seriously rotten in your fish tank this week. Never underestimate the power of the seriously pissed-off. Never take for granted another person’s silence. All fish everywhere are warned to go back and figure out if any major white elephants shitting in the middle of their living rooms need to get noticed. Pisces, we know you are the least confrontational of all signs, but that needs to change and fast if they want to continue getting laid this week. Some Pisces are already screwed beyond help. If you’re not one of those Pisces, consider making some changes before it’s too late.

SMM is craving a glass of wine and a long trip to fairy land.

Monday, April 7, 2008

It's Mantra time again.

Goodness gracious! Readership was never higher than last week, when you all thought Sister Mary was about to pull the plug. So silly.

Anyway, this week is bound to be insane as we’ve got Aries in our Sun, Mercury and Venus. Basically, we won’t have time for shite—not even to read Sister Mary’s beloved column. But because the Moon is in sensitive Taurus, you’ll need the love only Sister Mary knows how to provide.

This week, SMM is giving you drive-thru mantras to get you back on the cosmic freeway and getting things done. Ride the Aries energy, fiery sinners!!! Ride it straight away!!!

It’s the week of April 6-12!!! It’ll all be over soon…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
The Morons I Carry…Eventually Will Eat Me. Keep this in mind while enabling your incompetent co-workers and siblings. While they mean well, they will eventually end up gnawing on your tired skull.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Blank is the end, Blank is the Beginning. It is healthy, wealthy and wise of you to dump the money and soul sucking gremlin currently snoring in your bed. Start over fresh, and fill that freshness with someone hotter who will pick up the check 50% of the time.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
It May Not Go Your Way…Therefore, Your Head Will Explode. Gemini, are you putting your desire to bring your partner to the absinthe party above your partner’s need to go to rehab? Be careful to separate your own need to destroy from others’ need to heal.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
When they don’t listen…Talk Louder. If we have something to say, and the other chattering monkeys just won’t stop with the chatter, we’re going to have to stand on the table and bang some pot lids together until they do. Sulking will not get our message across.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Patience is the way of the Sexy Warrior.
No acting needy this week, Leo. No clinging, pouting or pushing to get your way. Work with your inner monk and enjoy the beauty of silence once in a while.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
RUN AWAY. FOR THE BASTARDS ARE OUT TO GET YOU. Not to prey on the Virgo paranoia. But this week, it’s true…

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Spicy food will clear the sinuses, and therefore, the head as well.
Ignore the loudmouths around you. Spend time alone with a spicy bowl of Udon. Ask the little cricket within you, “What the fuck do I do next?” Only in that cricket, not in your hoard of LiveJournal friends, will you find the answer.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Refill the moat and clone the army.
If you, Scorpio, has an obstacle between you and your goal, it’s better that you stalk the shadows and wait for it to go away on its own. Moving too fast may bring out the stubborn bastard in your enemy. It’s a pain in the ass. Just wait it out.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Don’t move. Seriously.
Remain calm this week, as you’ve once again gotten yourself into a situation (probably something to do with that foot you carry around in your mouth) that you cannot get out of easily. Let the professional (white coats) take care of it. Don’t do anymore that might further screw things.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
All is whole, therefore, I will go shopping.
Yes, Capricorn, enjoy this prosperous time, for even good times are temporary. Don’t get annoyed with that statement—Sister Mary is an honest nun and would say the same to you if it were nasty times in your way. Just have fun. For it won’t always be so easy.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Stuff takes awhile. Therefore, don’t push it.
Aquarius, SMM wants to remind you of a proverb about the old farmer who was so eager to assist his crops’ growth that he ran outside every night and pulled at the new shoots. That’s stupid. Don’t do that.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
It’s not so bad. Come out and play.
You and Capricorn should hook up this week. Things are fine, so enjoy the ride. Give yourself a week off from contemplating the darker mysteries of the Cosmos. They’ll be back next week to annoy you.

SMM loves you!!!