Sun in Aquarius: We can’t focus on anything, but we’re having a great time.
Moon in Libra: We still can’t focus on anything, and we definitely can’t make up our mind about any of it.
Mercury in Aquarius: We have lots of big ideas this week, but the conversation continues to sway.
Venus in Capricorn: Buy us something pretty.
Sister Mary thanks you for being so patient while she disappeared into the Confessional!!! It’s kind of like doing the dishes when they’ve sat in the sink a few weeks longer than usual. Takes awhile to get rid of the really nasty stuff. She’s back now, with bukos of delicious anticipations!!!
Welcome to the week of Jan 27-February 2nd! It’s still so cold, but the stars are so warm…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
The stars this week are littered with water signs, a few stubborn earth pieces and lots and lots of air. A fire sign like you is pretty sure to be irritated on a daily basis as the majority of people around you are going to be distracted and more chatty than usual. Take it in stride—or move back to Mars. Striding is cheaper since the current administration has a landlock on your home planet’s terrain. Sister Mary’s only advice to you is to breathe deep and unlock the jaw. You’ll need it later for eating or something.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
With your home planet chilling with your favorite Capricorns, you might want to cash in some of your Karma points and listen to your Goat friends bitch about their love lives for awhile. If you don’t have any friends, this would be a good week to make some. Sister Mary is kidding, Taurus. You’re one of the most popular signs on the chart (and most sensitive, requiring this kind of reassurance). If you’re dating someone right now, it’s a good week to work on the boring kinks required of putting up with another human being. If you’re not dating anyone, you may have more luck than you think finding someone rich (although not necessarily drop-dead-sexy). Keep your eye on your SugarDaddy.com profile.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Yeah, you still have Mars direct in your house this week. You’re going to continue to get a lot of work done, but Sister Mary hates to inform you that the chaos gremlins are going to pick you to screw with this week. That comes with the Mars influence. Watch your temper in the coming days because no matter how much people may be annoying you at the moment, you’re going to need their assistance in matters of the health, home and heart. Don’t get caught having to finish a project alone. You’re Gemini and we all know how much you dislike autonomy.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
With our special planet hanging out with our Libra friends…oh, wow! Big surprise. Cancer is going to be all locked up in the head about relationships!!! Gee, anyone ever hear of a Cancer obsessing about matters of the heart? Huh. (Yeah…) Fellow Crab Cakes: whether these relationships are of the romantic, platonic or imaginary nature, be advised not to let it consume you to the point of curling up under the covers with a box of aloe-Kleenex and a flask of gin. This is also a good time to consult Libra friends, as they’re going to be the few that understand us in the coming days.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
If the independent and detached Aquarius energy has you insecure and unbalanced, you need to get over it. Breathe deep and accept the fact that you simply aren’t going to get all the attention you crave in the coming days. This is usually a tough time of year for you. First of all, it’s bloody cold. Second, the focus of the zodiac is directly opposite everything you know to be true and holy. It happens to all of us, once a year when our polar opposite takes control. This is a good period, actually, as we’ll all get tired of the detached Aquarian way and crave your warm, fuzzy nature.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You’re still in Saturn. It’s gonna suck. What more do you want?
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Break out the incense, the journal, and the Tori Amos remixes. It’s your week for personal reflection. Libras across the Universe will find themselves curled up in their apartments even more than usual this week. Be sure to make it for the self-improvement, not the self pity-party. Your home planet being in Capricorn may make you all paranoid about the state of your relationships appearance, so be careful not to annoy your mate with talk about why they won’t squeeze your ass in public like they used to.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
That fake planet of yours, Pluto, is hanging out in Capricorn this week, which is a bizarre combination for a sign like you. Capricorns aren’t quite the opposite of Scorpio, but they feel like drastically opposing forces the majority of the time. Suddenly, you’ll be plagued by thoughts on interior decorating and fire-escape gardening. You won’t be able to handle your own skin, knowing there’s a chance your cube mate is wearing white socks. Drink heavily for the next few days, Scorpio. There is little other hope for you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Liberating to have Venus move on and bother someone else, right? Your week is going to provide much needed calm. You may get around to folding the laundry decorating your bedroom floor for the past two weeks. Now, with your home planet in Capricorn, you might need to kiss the ass of any Goats you managed to irk while you were going through the “Me Think Biggie Thoughts” period a few months ago. They need more attention and they’ll expect it from you in particular. Trim the thorns and have the roses handy.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
It seems as though the birthday fairy brought you every new responsibility you managed to avoid in ’07? Welcome to a new year, a new you, a whole set of new issues to talk about with your shrink. Your love life, your interpersonal journey, your thoughts on God, Project Runway—it’s all going to feel like steel hammers on your skull. The good news is that Venus will be running along shortly, and the confusion you currently feel about the heart, short-lived. The feelings on your own journey, God and reality TV—those are life-long things you’ll have to work on. Just know they only feel more apparent because you got a few extra planets on your plate this week.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
This is probably the best birthday present anyone could give you. Everything going lightly and flippantly and no one is expecting you to give solid answers on anything because they themselves are incapable of asking solid questions. Strangely, though, you may find people are looking to you for leadership, which is something you don’t shun, but don’t know what to do with, either. That’s the Mercury visit. Everyone is speaking Aquarius, so what do we do? Ask an Aquarius to interpret. We’ll be over it and will leave you alone, shortly.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Having Uranus in Pisces is crazy for all of us. The world-wide changes coming as we slip out of your age (2,000 years of Piscean rule) to the Age of Aquarius (not just a crappy song anymore!) will hit you in the head first before the rest of us feel it. Most Pisces throughout the world are experiencing tumultuous endings and upheavals that leave them with ulcers, migraines and substance habits. Take your tummy meds, wrap a cloth over your aching eyes, share your habits. We’re all going to eventually feel as you do. Just know you’re lucky enough to get it first and have it over with.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
GAH......
Under a difficult deadline. Repentence is tough.
Will need to take this weekend off, sinners. Sorry for the eternal frustration.
:(
xoxo
SMM
Will need to take this weekend off, sinners. Sorry for the eternal frustration.
:(
xoxo
SMM
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Capricorn.
If you want something done, hire someone to do it.
If you want something done perfectly with matching colors and textures, appropriate lighting and seasonal flair hire a Capricorn to do it. (But it’ll cost you.)
Those weird people rolling over the mountains in canvas-topped shoeboxes must have had a bunch of Capricorns. There’s no way they could have made it, otherwise.
Resourceful and loyal, practical and pragmatic, Capricorn is the reason the rest of us stay employed. Actually, if you dropped Capricorn in the middle of the Sahara with nothing but a box of toothpicks, a flexi-straw and a used condom wrapper and returned in six weeks, you’d find they’d started a day spa. When you get screwed and you find yourself crying behind a Greyhound station dumpster at four in the morning, call your Capricorn friend. Not because they’ll be the softest shoulder to cry on. Not because they’ll pull some sniper action on the bitch or bastard that broke your heart. But because they’re the only one of your friends you can count on to have a working car or cab fare.
It’s true. Your Capricorn will save the day, every time.
You probably don’t work for a Capricorn—but you probably work with one—but it feels like you work for one. Capricorns don’t need to be in charge. They like to walk away at the end of the day, which is why they’re probably not your boss. However, they still like things to go their way, which is why the Capricorn bus-boy still feels like a manager while he’s running behind you, re-rolling the roll-ups. They make good co-workers and business partners. They don’t do well with lazy people.
In romantic relationships, Capricorn appears detached, but it’s not quite the case. They’re most comfortable in functional, financially secure arrangement and say they want no drama, although the slightest miscommunication will end in empty tissue boxes and guilt trips to blush the pope. They need people with extra patience, yet the patient people seem to bore them terribly. Takes quite a bit of time for them to make up their minds, so when they’re going back over the window or aisle seat dilemma. If you’re dating a Capricorn, know that you’ll always be taken care of.
Capricorn makes a fussy bed-friend. They will have very specific kinks and quirks they will expect you to “just know” what they are (Call their exes…if they’re still alive) But given enough time, they will become efficient experts at what pleases you.
Things you should let Capricorn do:
1.) Decorate your apartment. They’re better at it than you.
2.) Do the talking. They’re also better at that than you.
3.) Manage the money. They may not be better at that than you, but don’t mention it.
4.) Let them say, “I told you so,” even if they didn’t.
5.) Win.
Things to never do to a Capricorn:
1.) Tell them they’re wrong.
2.) Buy a gift for them—that you found on sale. (They can smell it.)
3.) Tell them “not to take it personally.” (Already too late.)
4.) Tell them they’re wrong.
5.) Lie to them. (They can smell it.)
6.) Let them make a decision. You’ll be there all night.
7.) Tell them they’re wrong.
8.) Tell them Sister Mary said any of this.
Happy Birthday to the Capricorns of the Convent of Sensual Salvation!!! George, Catherine Gasta, Angelo, Famous Lacy and Sister Mary’s mom!!!! Hooray for you being born!!!!
Welcome to the week of Jan 13-19! Have you embraced your inner mongoose yet?
There’s a little something for every boy and girl this week in “As the Universe Expands.” Sun in dependable Capricorn: we’re all still very serious about keeping our New Year’s resolution to quit sniffing paint. But under the Pisces moon, we’re actually still sniffing paint, but doing it in secret—and lying about it. With Mercury in Aquarius, we find it hard to finish discussions about paint-sniffing-cessation before something else more interesting comes up to discuss (that’s also the fumes). And…with Venus in Sagittarius, we simply can’t commit to what brand of paint we want to sniff. Looks like a complicated week, kittens, but it’s actually quite balanced. All four elementals are out to play so even if some of us are losing our minds—it doesn’t feel so bad.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
No major planetary catastrophes in your realm this week, so you don’t have any hold-ups in kicking the ass around you that so deserves it. Aries, we know it feels as though you always have to kick ass and take names ‘round these astrological parts, but that’s your role as Big Sibling to the Stars. Someone around you needs to get whipped into shape and if (by chance) you have any reservations about it, let it go. They may balk, they may cry, they may say nasty things about you on their LiveJournal, but that’ll only last a day or so when they’ll come back and admit you were right. This will benefit your relationship with this person/place/thing and leave it both stronger and less annoying.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Either yoga didn’t take or you’ve spent too much time listening to half-formed opinions in stereo, but Taurus is out of touch with their inner bull. Taurus, if someone screwed up on your behalf, and you’re trying to be the bigger mammal about it—you really need to listen to that squeaky voice of wizdumb trapped beneath your inner filing cabinet. You’re in danger of returning trust to some lazy bitch or bastard who’s going to end up costing you, if not emotionally, then financially. Yes, Sister Mary said “financial danger.” If that doesn’t wake you up…perhaps this psychic slap will. *BAP!!!* Don’t make Sister Mary do that again.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Now, with cranky Mars still circulating Gemini, our favorite bi-polar beasts will find their new motivated selves strangely frustrated. Lots of work got done last week, and this week is all about venting about the crap you’ve been stewing about for six weeks, but haven’t had the time to spill it all out. After a late night bitch fest with a good beer buddy, you’ll feel empty and raw. Still motivated, looking around the room at all the projects you still need to complete, but finding you simply can’t get out of bed to do it. Grandaddy Depression is a bitch, but it’s short lived. After it’s over, you’ll feel better and better focused to get back to work while Mars is still around to make you do more than G-chat all day.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
It took us a couple of weeks, but we’re finally making some headway on those New Year’s resolutions. Lots of trips to the Goodwill, depositing the books we know we’re not going to need, the clothes we’ll never wear again, and the lovers who should have been pawned years ago. The middle of the week will feel empty—maybe even lonely. But it’s actually that really cool blank canvas the Great Bastard in the Sky has been promising us for a long time. We can shape our coming week however we want to. However, the new strength we’ve found in the quiet period could get easily sucked up by fleshy black holes. We need to watch out for where we put our energy in the coming week, as our brittle little shells will be easier to crack by negative nasties.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Well, it looks as though Leo will be spending the first part of the week chewing Advil to combat the hangover incurred by last week’s insanity. Leo, while you’re moping through Monday and Tuesday, take heart because you’ll be over it by Wednesday. Either some heavenly motivational speaker will appear, or the mascara tracks become just a tad too unattractive, even for your own lamenting. So, when you come back and throttle your kick-boxing instructor, you’ll find new opportunities by Thursday to meet even cooler people than the ones who upset you last week. Next weekend promises new adventures, the kind you’ll be excited to share. Your friends will be glad for a change in your dopey demeanor, as well.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Sorry, Virgo. This upcoming week will have even more of Sucky Saturn influence than the last. You’re just going to have to wade through the frustration and chaos caused by last week’s events. Get on firmer ground quickly, because you’re about to get hit by the Shit Fairy again. Such is the way of time in Saturn!!! The flying monkeys urge you not to grieve over your recent misfortunes. This is going to teach you to be happier with where you are and where you’re going.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
This week’s Libra lesson is learning about control. That is—you’re going to have to give it up. Many Libras experienced painful breakups of some sort—primarily of the romantic fashion, but could be in the friend’s sense, too. It’s a good week for you to reorganize your current relationships and stop hanging out with people you can’t control. It gives you zits. Look for a flock of willing sheep to govern and dictate. Now, if you’re lucky enough to find them, read no further. If you’re not, might want to consider tempering the hot sauce in your head. Pour it out on some chicken wings. Maybe you’re lacking protein.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpio kicks the most ass this week. Don’t get excited. Doesn’t mean you’ve won anything. You just happen to have more planets working in your favor. Now, this week you’ll start out strong and be blessed with a super-sonic breakthrough that could make you rich and famous. However, being Scorpio, you’re too nervous to share your plan with anyone and are more likely to see some Sag catch the psychic wind and FOIL your plans with the same idea!!! Don’t let that happen. This is a rare period of strength, so move forward while your foible enemies are just that.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Oy. Venus in your sign. The next few weeks—right up until bloody Valentine’s day, actually—your focus will be all on your heart and its little pitter-pats. Flighty Sag…careful whose hearts you break in the coming weeks. They may have a fresh ju-ju batch going on with eye of newt and fresh bat wing with your name on it. Your passions and loves are so hot, but the rest of the world doesn’t cool as quickly as you do. If you get excited with a new hottie, make sure you clearly, slowly and articulately enunciate each word when you explain what you want from the situation. It also looks like there are individuals you’re planning on pulling away from and if that’s the case, know that hurt feelings are a definite possibility. Don’t break the heart of anyone who carries a weapon.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
More happy birthdays to you!!! The beginning of this week will provide a much needed lull in your extra-curricular adventures. Say bye-bye to friends calling to check in on your drama. Your personal circus is quiet this week, but the clowns and bears in the ring tops of your friends are going on a picket-line and throwing giant red shoes. This is why you haven’t heard from them. Now, take three deep breaths for this next piece of news. Some kind of announcement or revelation mid week is going to make you very, very sad. Not the blue kind of sadness where you stare at the Hudson and sigh a lot. The kind of sadness that makes you hang out under a stoop that’s not your own in the middle of a blizzard, catching your tears in an empty bottle of gin. If this proves to be accurate, tune in next week when Sister Mary will have the solution for you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Good, strong week for Aquarius, up through the weekend! Breaking your own paint-sniffing habit has been an inspiration to many, and the book you wrote about said experience will fly off the shelves. Your reading is short this week, because it’s just so damn good. It’s all going to work out fine, even things with that asshole boss. (Maybe someone will take an extended vacation for like…forever!!!) And…looks like the One That Got Away will make a surprise return before the weekend! Don’t know if this means they want to get back with you, get back in bed with you, or merely borrow five bucks. In any case, it’ll be a nice boost for your ego.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
With your own moon brooding overhead, it’s a good week for reflection into what makes you tick-tick-boom. Pisces, harness the meticulous, hardworking Capricorn energy and take a look at your employment and creative endeavors. The early part of this week will be a good time to start a long term project, which could make you some money—just don’t expect to see the green paper come flying your way for awhile. On a personal note, pay attention to your relationships at the moment. The flying monkeys highly encourage you to have some Dr. Phil-type conversations with the people you care about.
If you want something done perfectly with matching colors and textures, appropriate lighting and seasonal flair hire a Capricorn to do it. (But it’ll cost you.)
Those weird people rolling over the mountains in canvas-topped shoeboxes must have had a bunch of Capricorns. There’s no way they could have made it, otherwise.
Resourceful and loyal, practical and pragmatic, Capricorn is the reason the rest of us stay employed. Actually, if you dropped Capricorn in the middle of the Sahara with nothing but a box of toothpicks, a flexi-straw and a used condom wrapper and returned in six weeks, you’d find they’d started a day spa. When you get screwed and you find yourself crying behind a Greyhound station dumpster at four in the morning, call your Capricorn friend. Not because they’ll be the softest shoulder to cry on. Not because they’ll pull some sniper action on the bitch or bastard that broke your heart. But because they’re the only one of your friends you can count on to have a working car or cab fare.
It’s true. Your Capricorn will save the day, every time.
You probably don’t work for a Capricorn—but you probably work with one—but it feels like you work for one. Capricorns don’t need to be in charge. They like to walk away at the end of the day, which is why they’re probably not your boss. However, they still like things to go their way, which is why the Capricorn bus-boy still feels like a manager while he’s running behind you, re-rolling the roll-ups. They make good co-workers and business partners. They don’t do well with lazy people.
In romantic relationships, Capricorn appears detached, but it’s not quite the case. They’re most comfortable in functional, financially secure arrangement and say they want no drama, although the slightest miscommunication will end in empty tissue boxes and guilt trips to blush the pope. They need people with extra patience, yet the patient people seem to bore them terribly. Takes quite a bit of time for them to make up their minds, so when they’re going back over the window or aisle seat dilemma. If you’re dating a Capricorn, know that you’ll always be taken care of.
Capricorn makes a fussy bed-friend. They will have very specific kinks and quirks they will expect you to “just know” what they are (Call their exes…if they’re still alive) But given enough time, they will become efficient experts at what pleases you.
Things you should let Capricorn do:
1.) Decorate your apartment. They’re better at it than you.
2.) Do the talking. They’re also better at that than you.
3.) Manage the money. They may not be better at that than you, but don’t mention it.
4.) Let them say, “I told you so,” even if they didn’t.
5.) Win.
Things to never do to a Capricorn:
1.) Tell them they’re wrong.
2.) Buy a gift for them—that you found on sale. (They can smell it.)
3.) Tell them “not to take it personally.” (Already too late.)
4.) Tell them they’re wrong.
5.) Lie to them. (They can smell it.)
6.) Let them make a decision. You’ll be there all night.
7.) Tell them they’re wrong.
8.) Tell them Sister Mary said any of this.
Happy Birthday to the Capricorns of the Convent of Sensual Salvation!!! George, Catherine Gasta, Angelo, Famous Lacy and Sister Mary’s mom!!!! Hooray for you being born!!!!
Welcome to the week of Jan 13-19! Have you embraced your inner mongoose yet?
There’s a little something for every boy and girl this week in “As the Universe Expands.” Sun in dependable Capricorn: we’re all still very serious about keeping our New Year’s resolution to quit sniffing paint. But under the Pisces moon, we’re actually still sniffing paint, but doing it in secret—and lying about it. With Mercury in Aquarius, we find it hard to finish discussions about paint-sniffing-cessation before something else more interesting comes up to discuss (that’s also the fumes). And…with Venus in Sagittarius, we simply can’t commit to what brand of paint we want to sniff. Looks like a complicated week, kittens, but it’s actually quite balanced. All four elementals are out to play so even if some of us are losing our minds—it doesn’t feel so bad.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
No major planetary catastrophes in your realm this week, so you don’t have any hold-ups in kicking the ass around you that so deserves it. Aries, we know it feels as though you always have to kick ass and take names ‘round these astrological parts, but that’s your role as Big Sibling to the Stars. Someone around you needs to get whipped into shape and if (by chance) you have any reservations about it, let it go. They may balk, they may cry, they may say nasty things about you on their LiveJournal, but that’ll only last a day or so when they’ll come back and admit you were right. This will benefit your relationship with this person/place/thing and leave it both stronger and less annoying.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Either yoga didn’t take or you’ve spent too much time listening to half-formed opinions in stereo, but Taurus is out of touch with their inner bull. Taurus, if someone screwed up on your behalf, and you’re trying to be the bigger mammal about it—you really need to listen to that squeaky voice of wizdumb trapped beneath your inner filing cabinet. You’re in danger of returning trust to some lazy bitch or bastard who’s going to end up costing you, if not emotionally, then financially. Yes, Sister Mary said “financial danger.” If that doesn’t wake you up…perhaps this psychic slap will. *BAP!!!* Don’t make Sister Mary do that again.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Now, with cranky Mars still circulating Gemini, our favorite bi-polar beasts will find their new motivated selves strangely frustrated. Lots of work got done last week, and this week is all about venting about the crap you’ve been stewing about for six weeks, but haven’t had the time to spill it all out. After a late night bitch fest with a good beer buddy, you’ll feel empty and raw. Still motivated, looking around the room at all the projects you still need to complete, but finding you simply can’t get out of bed to do it. Grandaddy Depression is a bitch, but it’s short lived. After it’s over, you’ll feel better and better focused to get back to work while Mars is still around to make you do more than G-chat all day.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
It took us a couple of weeks, but we’re finally making some headway on those New Year’s resolutions. Lots of trips to the Goodwill, depositing the books we know we’re not going to need, the clothes we’ll never wear again, and the lovers who should have been pawned years ago. The middle of the week will feel empty—maybe even lonely. But it’s actually that really cool blank canvas the Great Bastard in the Sky has been promising us for a long time. We can shape our coming week however we want to. However, the new strength we’ve found in the quiet period could get easily sucked up by fleshy black holes. We need to watch out for where we put our energy in the coming week, as our brittle little shells will be easier to crack by negative nasties.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Well, it looks as though Leo will be spending the first part of the week chewing Advil to combat the hangover incurred by last week’s insanity. Leo, while you’re moping through Monday and Tuesday, take heart because you’ll be over it by Wednesday. Either some heavenly motivational speaker will appear, or the mascara tracks become just a tad too unattractive, even for your own lamenting. So, when you come back and throttle your kick-boxing instructor, you’ll find new opportunities by Thursday to meet even cooler people than the ones who upset you last week. Next weekend promises new adventures, the kind you’ll be excited to share. Your friends will be glad for a change in your dopey demeanor, as well.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Sorry, Virgo. This upcoming week will have even more of Sucky Saturn influence than the last. You’re just going to have to wade through the frustration and chaos caused by last week’s events. Get on firmer ground quickly, because you’re about to get hit by the Shit Fairy again. Such is the way of time in Saturn!!! The flying monkeys urge you not to grieve over your recent misfortunes. This is going to teach you to be happier with where you are and where you’re going.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
This week’s Libra lesson is learning about control. That is—you’re going to have to give it up. Many Libras experienced painful breakups of some sort—primarily of the romantic fashion, but could be in the friend’s sense, too. It’s a good week for you to reorganize your current relationships and stop hanging out with people you can’t control. It gives you zits. Look for a flock of willing sheep to govern and dictate. Now, if you’re lucky enough to find them, read no further. If you’re not, might want to consider tempering the hot sauce in your head. Pour it out on some chicken wings. Maybe you’re lacking protein.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpio kicks the most ass this week. Don’t get excited. Doesn’t mean you’ve won anything. You just happen to have more planets working in your favor. Now, this week you’ll start out strong and be blessed with a super-sonic breakthrough that could make you rich and famous. However, being Scorpio, you’re too nervous to share your plan with anyone and are more likely to see some Sag catch the psychic wind and FOIL your plans with the same idea!!! Don’t let that happen. This is a rare period of strength, so move forward while your foible enemies are just that.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Oy. Venus in your sign. The next few weeks—right up until bloody Valentine’s day, actually—your focus will be all on your heart and its little pitter-pats. Flighty Sag…careful whose hearts you break in the coming weeks. They may have a fresh ju-ju batch going on with eye of newt and fresh bat wing with your name on it. Your passions and loves are so hot, but the rest of the world doesn’t cool as quickly as you do. If you get excited with a new hottie, make sure you clearly, slowly and articulately enunciate each word when you explain what you want from the situation. It also looks like there are individuals you’re planning on pulling away from and if that’s the case, know that hurt feelings are a definite possibility. Don’t break the heart of anyone who carries a weapon.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
More happy birthdays to you!!! The beginning of this week will provide a much needed lull in your extra-curricular adventures. Say bye-bye to friends calling to check in on your drama. Your personal circus is quiet this week, but the clowns and bears in the ring tops of your friends are going on a picket-line and throwing giant red shoes. This is why you haven’t heard from them. Now, take three deep breaths for this next piece of news. Some kind of announcement or revelation mid week is going to make you very, very sad. Not the blue kind of sadness where you stare at the Hudson and sigh a lot. The kind of sadness that makes you hang out under a stoop that’s not your own in the middle of a blizzard, catching your tears in an empty bottle of gin. If this proves to be accurate, tune in next week when Sister Mary will have the solution for you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Good, strong week for Aquarius, up through the weekend! Breaking your own paint-sniffing habit has been an inspiration to many, and the book you wrote about said experience will fly off the shelves. Your reading is short this week, because it’s just so damn good. It’s all going to work out fine, even things with that asshole boss. (Maybe someone will take an extended vacation for like…forever!!!) And…looks like the One That Got Away will make a surprise return before the weekend! Don’t know if this means they want to get back with you, get back in bed with you, or merely borrow five bucks. In any case, it’ll be a nice boost for your ego.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
With your own moon brooding overhead, it’s a good week for reflection into what makes you tick-tick-boom. Pisces, harness the meticulous, hardworking Capricorn energy and take a look at your employment and creative endeavors. The early part of this week will be a good time to start a long term project, which could make you some money—just don’t expect to see the green paper come flying your way for awhile. On a personal note, pay attention to your relationships at the moment. The flying monkeys highly encourage you to have some Dr. Phil-type conversations with the people you care about.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Chaos, frustration, celibacy...and a PARTY!!!!
Good morning, Blessed Sinners!!!
Mammy Superior has the entire Convent of Sensual Salvation on a strict detoxification diet of Lemon Juice, Cayenne Pepper and Maple Syrup—squeezing our livers back to their pristine states! This week, we’ll find every kid in the zodiac also putting the petal on their New Years resolutions. Now, since we’re in the realm of Capricorn, the second most determined resolution after rehab is making more money (and for most of Gen X and Y…making a nick in vampiric debt.)
Now, this week marks the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF ASTROLOGY EXPLAINED!!!
That’s right! 52-ish weeks of everything you never wanted to know…all about you! And for this, the Convent of Sensual Salvation will be throwing a birthday bash at Stain Bar on Sunday, January 13th and you all need to show up.
Sunday, January 13
6:00-9:00 p.m.
Stain Bar
766 Grand Street, Brooklyn, NY
(L to Grand, walk 1 block West)
718-387-7840
$FREE!!!
Performances by:
Michele Carlo (It Came From New York; The Liar; The MOTH)
Lilith Dorsey (Anthropologist; dancer; Voodoo Priestess; author of Voodoo and Afro-Caribbean Paganism)
***Lilith will be available for tarot consultation***
Satan (Lord of Darkness)
Music by Vanessa Boyd and the Yes Men
The Sisters of Sensual Salvation
Food!
Magickal Raffle!
ASS-trology foretold!!!The World Famous Magic Microphone!!!And more!!!!
This will be Sister Mary’s last Ass-tro Hour for awhile…she’s taking a break to catch up on her penance. But AstrologyExplained won’t be going anywhere…so you can continue to check in here for your horrorscope needs…
Welcome to the week of January 6-January 12! Just when you thought it was safe to remove the slumber mask…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
With most of the celestial bodies colliding with Capricorn this week, you’re more likely to experience some much needed calm-time. In fact, the cauldron indicates that you’re finally going to get inspired to fix things that have been bugging you—primarily in the organizational sense. Pre-spring removal of the clothes you know still won’t fit even after the holiday cheer melts off your ass, burning print-out emails from your college lover (the one who’s now in a cult? Yeah. Let it go.), deleting incriminating photos from the MySpace page. This is a good week to get your life de-cluttered. Of course, you’re Aries and are probably a compulsive cleaner anyway, but take this week to reorganize what’s already in place. It’ll be fun.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Now, since Capricorn has all the planets this week, Taurus will find that most things aren’t going their way, which will annoy them, but they’ll also find that the current going the way of Capricorn won’t be so bad—it might even make you some money. It’s a good time to let go of people still asking to borrow cash and never repaying you. Might also be a good idea to take a long look at your life-insurance beneficiary? (Do you ever wake to find this person holding a pillow over your face? Or brandishing a knife under your stoop? Might want to consider changing a certain name on your policy…) It’s a good week to rev up your New Year’s resolutions. It looks as though you are going to be voted Most Likely to Not Say “Fuck It” to those self-promises the rest of us will have forgotten by Thursday.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Mars is taking a visit to your sector this week, Gemini, and plans to stink up your bathroom for a few after that. If you’ve recently felt more bored than usual, or irritated at that guy/girl in the bed, don’t start throwing gin bottles at the wall. Yet. This is your motivation to get shite done talking, which means it’s probably time to make changes in where you work, where you live, and/or who you sleep with. If you can afford it, take a spa to sit in a steam bath away from everyone. If that’s too pricey, lock the bathroom door, plant yourself on the toilet and run the shower hot for awhile. Visualize the steam opening up your pores and letting it ooze the irritations, frustrations and dead-beats from your vicinity. When you’re done, go out and put all their stuff on the curb before they wake up. Then, get back on the eHarmony and get someone else in that bed before you get so bored you call them up again.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Now with feverish Mars bugging the Gemini next door, we can go back to being lazy little caterpillars and not feel guilty that we should have turned into butterflies like, six months ago. It’s cold. The couch is warm and some of us finally got NetFlix for Kwanzaa!!! And while many Cancerians are still weepy over the events of big, nasty 2007, most of us will do better to continue hiding in our warm little apartment-shells until we get bored enough to go out and stir up new drama. This new drama will take many months to fully cultivate, and it’s promising to be even MORE blog-worthy than last year’s debacle, so as soon as you feel even the least bit motivated to quit feeling sorry for your Crabby self, get your flabby ass off that couch and go out and play.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leo, you too will be experiencing an unnerving week of calm. At least, until Wednesday or so. Yeah, through Wednesday you’ll be busy making plans to complete your own resolutions. Being Leo, it’s likely something to re-affirm your status as the Sexiest Kitten in the Universe—your hair, your weight, your waxings—but these plans will come grinding to a halt Wednesday afternoon or Thursday morning when some unforeseen annoyance spelled C-A-T-A-S-T-R-O-P-H-E will rear it’s greasy head. Don’t worry. Nothing terrible will result. But you’re Leo and will take a broken platform strap as indication of your failure as a sex-pot human being and you’ll be convinced you’ll never get laid again. If you really think this is true—just call Sister Mary. She’ll prove you wrong.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The arrival of Catastrophic Saturn in the Virgo home stretch has prompted many a skeptical Virgin to come running to Sister Mary for ass-trological wizdumb. She can honestly say that no nun anywhere can move Saturn’s fierce rays of Suck, and even if she could, she’d charge way more than you could afford. Now, Virgo, you’re probably already finding that your week started in a funk. Stop reminiscing about the days when Mom paid for everything. It’s never going to happen again. Stop whining about nothing going your way. Nothing will go your way until July 21, 2010, so just learn to laugh at the crap. Start saving pennies in the coffee can in your freezer to take a nice long cruise when this turmoil is done. More likely, you’ll need them before that for a Saturn Suck Day, so it’s good to plan now.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libra, you too are starting out this week with all kinds of plans to complete your New Year’s resolutions by Thursday. However, it looks like you’ll be hanging out with Leo with the caca hits the fan and will need to put your plans for the Life-Sized Barbie Dream House on hold until February. Take deep breaths and avoid letting the freak-outs give you panic attacks. If you take medication, you might want to nicely ask your doctor for a teensy bit more this week. By the week’s end, you’ll realize that you won’t be able to do anything about the chronic disruption and will simply go watch Lost episodes until you forget about existing on this plane at all. Sister Mary will be back next week with some motivational tools.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpio will start out this week in the fantastical delusion that they do indeed own several small island nations and are worshipped by naked gorgeous people. Scorpio is going to disown anyone who tries to tell them otherwise. Scorpio, maybe you’re the one exception. Maybe you do own an island where the locals leave you offerings of fruit, rum and virgins on your doorstep. But just in case you’re the one exception, let it go. Pick up a few more hours on the job this week, because you’re likely to make more money that way. Then you can waste it on new technology to drown out your inferiors.
.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
With Jupiter finally out of your hair, you can relax your brain a little. No more giant thoughts making your daily life feel inadequate. Now, while you may be suffering from a philosophical hangover, this could lead to a touch of depression in the early part of the week. Probably induced by some petty bullshit you just don’t want to deal with…Don’t these morons know there are starving and dying people all over the Congo??? You may feel that irritable need to leave this life and go start another one far, far away…but you’ll probably end up watching television and tuning out the whiners around you. By week’s end, you’ll come back to save the day and be glad you stuck around with the morons you know—and do love. J
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
These next few weeks are going to feel like you’re being slapped at every turn—for good and for shitty. That’s because you have the Sun (daily grind), the Moon (private thoughts), Mercury (blah-blah-chatter), AND Jupiter (ideas of the grander scheme) all in Capricorn this week—which means you’ll be reevaluating what it is you do with your free time, the kind of person you want to be and how well you play with others at the café. Unfortunately, the start of this week is fraught with financial woes, followed by the regurgitation of some personal issue you thought you finally whipped, followed by some other moment of random chaos which will make you want to go back to rehab just for the time in the hot-tub. Hang in there Capricorn. It will get better as the week goes on and you’ll be stronger for it. Just think of all the cool stuff you can finally put in that memoir.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Yeah, most of us are still having trouble getting you to return our phone calls—since Neptune started hanging around, you’re not really with us. Are you even reading this? The first part of this week, you’ll be mistaking yourself for some mythical creature flying gracefully out of the clutches of the mad, evil giant. This means, you may just have to dump the loser this week. Which is good! They’ll finally pay you the money you’ve needed for awhile. Of course, it may bring on bouts of depression when you realize you’re not getting nearly as much sex as you were before…but that’ll change. You’ll re-embrace Buddhism, having already forgotten that you were into that last year and it didn’t work out like you thought. What is mind, really? (Never mind.)
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
The start of 2008 should mark something else Pisces will love—just over the half-way mark of their time in Uranus! Nasty planet of swift change has haunted you since 2003, but you’ll be through with it by ’10. Promise. So, whenever you start to cry because there’s just too much going on for your temperate mind to handle, try to be the glorious fish that you are and go with the friggin’ flow. You’ll find strength and wholeness…until mid-week with the shit comes crashing down again. Sorry. It’s happening all over the zodiac this week, if you noticed. Avoid Capricorn—they’re going through thorough insanity. Aries might be your best hang-out person this week, if you need companionship. (Who doesn’t?)
See you on Sunday, 1/13!!!!
Mammy Superior has the entire Convent of Sensual Salvation on a strict detoxification diet of Lemon Juice, Cayenne Pepper and Maple Syrup—squeezing our livers back to their pristine states! This week, we’ll find every kid in the zodiac also putting the petal on their New Years resolutions. Now, since we’re in the realm of Capricorn, the second most determined resolution after rehab is making more money (and for most of Gen X and Y…making a nick in vampiric debt.)
Now, this week marks the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF ASTROLOGY EXPLAINED!!!
That’s right! 52-ish weeks of everything you never wanted to know…all about you! And for this, the Convent of Sensual Salvation will be throwing a birthday bash at Stain Bar on Sunday, January 13th and you all need to show up.
Sunday, January 13
6:00-9:00 p.m.
Stain Bar
766 Grand Street, Brooklyn, NY
(L to Grand, walk 1 block West)
718-387-7840
$FREE!!!
Performances by:
Michele Carlo (It Came From New York; The Liar; The MOTH)
Lilith Dorsey (Anthropologist; dancer; Voodoo Priestess; author of Voodoo and Afro-Caribbean Paganism)
***Lilith will be available for tarot consultation***
Satan (Lord of Darkness)
Music by Vanessa Boyd and the Yes Men
The Sisters of Sensual Salvation
Food!
Magickal Raffle!
ASS-trology foretold!!!The World Famous Magic Microphone!!!And more!!!!
This will be Sister Mary’s last Ass-tro Hour for awhile…she’s taking a break to catch up on her penance. But AstrologyExplained won’t be going anywhere…so you can continue to check in here for your horrorscope needs…
Welcome to the week of January 6-January 12! Just when you thought it was safe to remove the slumber mask…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
With most of the celestial bodies colliding with Capricorn this week, you’re more likely to experience some much needed calm-time. In fact, the cauldron indicates that you’re finally going to get inspired to fix things that have been bugging you—primarily in the organizational sense. Pre-spring removal of the clothes you know still won’t fit even after the holiday cheer melts off your ass, burning print-out emails from your college lover (the one who’s now in a cult? Yeah. Let it go.), deleting incriminating photos from the MySpace page. This is a good week to get your life de-cluttered. Of course, you’re Aries and are probably a compulsive cleaner anyway, but take this week to reorganize what’s already in place. It’ll be fun.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Now, since Capricorn has all the planets this week, Taurus will find that most things aren’t going their way, which will annoy them, but they’ll also find that the current going the way of Capricorn won’t be so bad—it might even make you some money. It’s a good time to let go of people still asking to borrow cash and never repaying you. Might also be a good idea to take a long look at your life-insurance beneficiary? (Do you ever wake to find this person holding a pillow over your face? Or brandishing a knife under your stoop? Might want to consider changing a certain name on your policy…) It’s a good week to rev up your New Year’s resolutions. It looks as though you are going to be voted Most Likely to Not Say “Fuck It” to those self-promises the rest of us will have forgotten by Thursday.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Mars is taking a visit to your sector this week, Gemini, and plans to stink up your bathroom for a few after that. If you’ve recently felt more bored than usual, or irritated at that guy/girl in the bed, don’t start throwing gin bottles at the wall. Yet. This is your motivation to get shite done talking, which means it’s probably time to make changes in where you work, where you live, and/or who you sleep with. If you can afford it, take a spa to sit in a steam bath away from everyone. If that’s too pricey, lock the bathroom door, plant yourself on the toilet and run the shower hot for awhile. Visualize the steam opening up your pores and letting it ooze the irritations, frustrations and dead-beats from your vicinity. When you’re done, go out and put all their stuff on the curb before they wake up. Then, get back on the eHarmony and get someone else in that bed before you get so bored you call them up again.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Now with feverish Mars bugging the Gemini next door, we can go back to being lazy little caterpillars and not feel guilty that we should have turned into butterflies like, six months ago. It’s cold. The couch is warm and some of us finally got NetFlix for Kwanzaa!!! And while many Cancerians are still weepy over the events of big, nasty 2007, most of us will do better to continue hiding in our warm little apartment-shells until we get bored enough to go out and stir up new drama. This new drama will take many months to fully cultivate, and it’s promising to be even MORE blog-worthy than last year’s debacle, so as soon as you feel even the least bit motivated to quit feeling sorry for your Crabby self, get your flabby ass off that couch and go out and play.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leo, you too will be experiencing an unnerving week of calm. At least, until Wednesday or so. Yeah, through Wednesday you’ll be busy making plans to complete your own resolutions. Being Leo, it’s likely something to re-affirm your status as the Sexiest Kitten in the Universe—your hair, your weight, your waxings—but these plans will come grinding to a halt Wednesday afternoon or Thursday morning when some unforeseen annoyance spelled C-A-T-A-S-T-R-O-P-H-E will rear it’s greasy head. Don’t worry. Nothing terrible will result. But you’re Leo and will take a broken platform strap as indication of your failure as a sex-pot human being and you’ll be convinced you’ll never get laid again. If you really think this is true—just call Sister Mary. She’ll prove you wrong.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The arrival of Catastrophic Saturn in the Virgo home stretch has prompted many a skeptical Virgin to come running to Sister Mary for ass-trological wizdumb. She can honestly say that no nun anywhere can move Saturn’s fierce rays of Suck, and even if she could, she’d charge way more than you could afford. Now, Virgo, you’re probably already finding that your week started in a funk. Stop reminiscing about the days when Mom paid for everything. It’s never going to happen again. Stop whining about nothing going your way. Nothing will go your way until July 21, 2010, so just learn to laugh at the crap. Start saving pennies in the coffee can in your freezer to take a nice long cruise when this turmoil is done. More likely, you’ll need them before that for a Saturn Suck Day, so it’s good to plan now.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libra, you too are starting out this week with all kinds of plans to complete your New Year’s resolutions by Thursday. However, it looks like you’ll be hanging out with Leo with the caca hits the fan and will need to put your plans for the Life-Sized Barbie Dream House on hold until February. Take deep breaths and avoid letting the freak-outs give you panic attacks. If you take medication, you might want to nicely ask your doctor for a teensy bit more this week. By the week’s end, you’ll realize that you won’t be able to do anything about the chronic disruption and will simply go watch Lost episodes until you forget about existing on this plane at all. Sister Mary will be back next week with some motivational tools.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpio will start out this week in the fantastical delusion that they do indeed own several small island nations and are worshipped by naked gorgeous people. Scorpio is going to disown anyone who tries to tell them otherwise. Scorpio, maybe you’re the one exception. Maybe you do own an island where the locals leave you offerings of fruit, rum and virgins on your doorstep. But just in case you’re the one exception, let it go. Pick up a few more hours on the job this week, because you’re likely to make more money that way. Then you can waste it on new technology to drown out your inferiors.
.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
With Jupiter finally out of your hair, you can relax your brain a little. No more giant thoughts making your daily life feel inadequate. Now, while you may be suffering from a philosophical hangover, this could lead to a touch of depression in the early part of the week. Probably induced by some petty bullshit you just don’t want to deal with…Don’t these morons know there are starving and dying people all over the Congo??? You may feel that irritable need to leave this life and go start another one far, far away…but you’ll probably end up watching television and tuning out the whiners around you. By week’s end, you’ll come back to save the day and be glad you stuck around with the morons you know—and do love. J
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
These next few weeks are going to feel like you’re being slapped at every turn—for good and for shitty. That’s because you have the Sun (daily grind), the Moon (private thoughts), Mercury (blah-blah-chatter), AND Jupiter (ideas of the grander scheme) all in Capricorn this week—which means you’ll be reevaluating what it is you do with your free time, the kind of person you want to be and how well you play with others at the café. Unfortunately, the start of this week is fraught with financial woes, followed by the regurgitation of some personal issue you thought you finally whipped, followed by some other moment of random chaos which will make you want to go back to rehab just for the time in the hot-tub. Hang in there Capricorn. It will get better as the week goes on and you’ll be stronger for it. Just think of all the cool stuff you can finally put in that memoir.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Yeah, most of us are still having trouble getting you to return our phone calls—since Neptune started hanging around, you’re not really with us. Are you even reading this? The first part of this week, you’ll be mistaking yourself for some mythical creature flying gracefully out of the clutches of the mad, evil giant. This means, you may just have to dump the loser this week. Which is good! They’ll finally pay you the money you’ve needed for awhile. Of course, it may bring on bouts of depression when you realize you’re not getting nearly as much sex as you were before…but that’ll change. You’ll re-embrace Buddhism, having already forgotten that you were into that last year and it didn’t work out like you thought. What is mind, really? (Never mind.)
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
The start of 2008 should mark something else Pisces will love—just over the half-way mark of their time in Uranus! Nasty planet of swift change has haunted you since 2003, but you’ll be through with it by ’10. Promise. So, whenever you start to cry because there’s just too much going on for your temperate mind to handle, try to be the glorious fish that you are and go with the friggin’ flow. You’ll find strength and wholeness…until mid-week with the shit comes crashing down again. Sorry. It’s happening all over the zodiac this week, if you noticed. Avoid Capricorn—they’re going through thorough insanity. Aries might be your best hang-out person this week, if you need companionship. (Who doesn’t?)
See you on Sunday, 1/13!!!!
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Happy New Year!!!
Happy New Year!!!
Oh, let’s hope that 2008 packs fewer shitballs than 2007. That won’t be hard, but Great Bastard Up Above sure does like to bring around a few surprises…
Let’s take a peek into the Magickal Cauldron and see what 2008 has in store for you!!!
Now, let’s do something fun and different. Sister Mary is going to pull a tarot card out of the cauldron for each and every sexy sign to forecast what kind of year you’re going to have!
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Temperance. You probably got this one last year. You probably get it every year! The Aries theme of 2008 is patience and balance, your two least favorite things next to liver and onions and taxes and traffic. Now, while 2007 and all the previous years demanded patience and balance, 2008 is going to demand it like a crusty old crack whore. Start your yoga and double up on the Enya in the IPod. The alternative includes your head exploding.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The Star. Illusions and fantasies will be your friends and your backstabbing bastards all at the same time. Dreams keep you in shape, make you more attractive to the world, so long as you’re actually enacting them and not wanking off to them all day in your mom’s basement. Make the choice this year to get the new headshots and actually send the fuckers to an agent, or realize that you’re a few years past that fresh prime phase and consider directing. Whatever it is that you’ve been kinda thinking about for the past good bit, make this the year you do it—or get over it.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The World. It’s the year of wrap-ups for Gemini and fortunately, these look like pretty happy endings for most of you. In the Universal sense, anyway. Yet ye mortals have such a hard time letting go of anything, you cry even at the happiest cartoon bunny ending. Hop Hop Hop!!! Now, Gemini. You will, naturally, feel thwarted and confused by the quick succession of endings, many of which will occur before your birthday, but you’ll quickly be distracted by the pretty shiny sparkles on the water and move onto your next chapter of insanity.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Many Cancers are already in the year of The Hermit, a time for re-evaluating relationships—or, in Cancer World, who enable and who we permit to enable us. Looks like 2008 will provide a big steaming heap of relationship streamlining, strengthening and severing when necessary. Be sure to collect all money you owe before you have to fire people.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
The Sun. Hooray! How perfect is it to have your home planet hanging above you all year long! The Sun represents warmth, optimism and ultraviolet burns. 2008 will teach you to smile at every fubar, grin at every fucktard and most importantly, know when you’ve had enough and go inside for an aloe bath. The former part of that equation will make you an even stronger and friskier lion as the year goes on, but don’t Pollyanna your way through a minefield. If you don’t get what Sister Mary is saying, go look it up on the Internet or call a jaded friend and get their opinion.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The Hanged Man. Virgo, it is Sister Mary’s most sincere regret to inform you that 2008 is going to kick your bony ass almost as much as 2007 did. Financial woes, heartache, backache, unintentional celibacy—you’re strung up by your own bootstraps and you’re wondering how the hell to get down. In time, the bow will break and the futon will fall and you’ll land on your feet (maybe) and it will be time to start all over. Meanwhile, drink heavily and pretend it’s all a dream.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
The Wheel of Fortune. Libras are funny critters when it comes to change. They’ll dig their stilettos into the dirt and say “No, no, no!!!” at the thought of even changing their underwear. But then Libra is suddenly so curious about the bangles on the new thong, they’ll deny ever having been against it. Libra, you do have a year of changing the thong coming up. But you’ll be very happy with the results.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Justice. Oh, what is it with you? Who do you just HAVE to kill this year that you didn’t bump off last year? Actually, Scorpio, you’re going to be reaping every bit as much Karma as you distribute along the way. Make sure you light the pigeon poo on the right doorstep.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
The High Priestess. So, your year of existential thinking has left you with the residual migraine, correct? SMM thought that you were going to eventually come back to this planet and reside with the sort of normal people again, but it doesn’t look as though it’s going to happen in 2008. The ideas and philosophies you’ve been pondering over the past 18 months will be put into practice in the coming year. For some of you, you’ll quickly learn that the rhetoric was actually rheto-BULLSHIT. Then again, others of you may find you like having a shaved head and wearing orange sari-thingies in the middle of winter. Suit yourself!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The Empress. Dealing with Mommy Issues??? Better late than whenever. Capricorns will find themselves becoming mothers or marrying mothers or screwing mothers or maybe just calling their mothers a bit more often. Feminine power is key to Capricorns in 2008. If you’re not on good terms with your mom, try to fix that before Valentine’s Day. Maybe she’ll give you one of her Cubic Zirconia and you can propose (or at least swoon) that cutie you’ve been after.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
The Magician. The Magician is said to be the strongest trump in the tarot because that dude knows everything. Guess what? It’s YOU this year! You’re going to have to pull yourself together just enough to keep the rest of the world from exploding. It actually won’t be that hard for you. You’ll find you’ve got supplies and information that others desperately need. It’s about time to payback all those people who let you crash on their floors in 2007.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
The Hierophant. Pisces, you might hate this. But you’re going to find strength in structure this year, primarily in terms of higher institutions of learning. You might even find yourself in Synagogue more than twice in the coming year. It’s going to be a year of aligning yourself with a higher power, which is undoubtedly glorious. Maybe you’ll end up with super powers. That’s a pretty exciting prospect.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SMM still loves you!!!
Oh, let’s hope that 2008 packs fewer shitballs than 2007. That won’t be hard, but Great Bastard Up Above sure does like to bring around a few surprises…
Let’s take a peek into the Magickal Cauldron and see what 2008 has in store for you!!!
Now, let’s do something fun and different. Sister Mary is going to pull a tarot card out of the cauldron for each and every sexy sign to forecast what kind of year you’re going to have!
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Temperance. You probably got this one last year. You probably get it every year! The Aries theme of 2008 is patience and balance, your two least favorite things next to liver and onions and taxes and traffic. Now, while 2007 and all the previous years demanded patience and balance, 2008 is going to demand it like a crusty old crack whore. Start your yoga and double up on the Enya in the IPod. The alternative includes your head exploding.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The Star. Illusions and fantasies will be your friends and your backstabbing bastards all at the same time. Dreams keep you in shape, make you more attractive to the world, so long as you’re actually enacting them and not wanking off to them all day in your mom’s basement. Make the choice this year to get the new headshots and actually send the fuckers to an agent, or realize that you’re a few years past that fresh prime phase and consider directing. Whatever it is that you’ve been kinda thinking about for the past good bit, make this the year you do it—or get over it.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The World. It’s the year of wrap-ups for Gemini and fortunately, these look like pretty happy endings for most of you. In the Universal sense, anyway. Yet ye mortals have such a hard time letting go of anything, you cry even at the happiest cartoon bunny ending. Hop Hop Hop!!! Now, Gemini. You will, naturally, feel thwarted and confused by the quick succession of endings, many of which will occur before your birthday, but you’ll quickly be distracted by the pretty shiny sparkles on the water and move onto your next chapter of insanity.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Many Cancers are already in the year of The Hermit, a time for re-evaluating relationships—or, in Cancer World, who enable and who we permit to enable us. Looks like 2008 will provide a big steaming heap of relationship streamlining, strengthening and severing when necessary. Be sure to collect all money you owe before you have to fire people.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
The Sun. Hooray! How perfect is it to have your home planet hanging above you all year long! The Sun represents warmth, optimism and ultraviolet burns. 2008 will teach you to smile at every fubar, grin at every fucktard and most importantly, know when you’ve had enough and go inside for an aloe bath. The former part of that equation will make you an even stronger and friskier lion as the year goes on, but don’t Pollyanna your way through a minefield. If you don’t get what Sister Mary is saying, go look it up on the Internet or call a jaded friend and get their opinion.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The Hanged Man. Virgo, it is Sister Mary’s most sincere regret to inform you that 2008 is going to kick your bony ass almost as much as 2007 did. Financial woes, heartache, backache, unintentional celibacy—you’re strung up by your own bootstraps and you’re wondering how the hell to get down. In time, the bow will break and the futon will fall and you’ll land on your feet (maybe) and it will be time to start all over. Meanwhile, drink heavily and pretend it’s all a dream.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
The Wheel of Fortune. Libras are funny critters when it comes to change. They’ll dig their stilettos into the dirt and say “No, no, no!!!” at the thought of even changing their underwear. But then Libra is suddenly so curious about the bangles on the new thong, they’ll deny ever having been against it. Libra, you do have a year of changing the thong coming up. But you’ll be very happy with the results.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Justice. Oh, what is it with you? Who do you just HAVE to kill this year that you didn’t bump off last year? Actually, Scorpio, you’re going to be reaping every bit as much Karma as you distribute along the way. Make sure you light the pigeon poo on the right doorstep.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
The High Priestess. So, your year of existential thinking has left you with the residual migraine, correct? SMM thought that you were going to eventually come back to this planet and reside with the sort of normal people again, but it doesn’t look as though it’s going to happen in 2008. The ideas and philosophies you’ve been pondering over the past 18 months will be put into practice in the coming year. For some of you, you’ll quickly learn that the rhetoric was actually rheto-BULLSHIT. Then again, others of you may find you like having a shaved head and wearing orange sari-thingies in the middle of winter. Suit yourself!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The Empress. Dealing with Mommy Issues??? Better late than whenever. Capricorns will find themselves becoming mothers or marrying mothers or screwing mothers or maybe just calling their mothers a bit more often. Feminine power is key to Capricorns in 2008. If you’re not on good terms with your mom, try to fix that before Valentine’s Day. Maybe she’ll give you one of her Cubic Zirconia and you can propose (or at least swoon) that cutie you’ve been after.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
The Magician. The Magician is said to be the strongest trump in the tarot because that dude knows everything. Guess what? It’s YOU this year! You’re going to have to pull yourself together just enough to keep the rest of the world from exploding. It actually won’t be that hard for you. You’ll find you’ve got supplies and information that others desperately need. It’s about time to payback all those people who let you crash on their floors in 2007.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
The Hierophant. Pisces, you might hate this. But you’re going to find strength in structure this year, primarily in terms of higher institutions of learning. You might even find yourself in Synagogue more than twice in the coming year. It’s going to be a year of aligning yourself with a higher power, which is undoubtedly glorious. Maybe you’ll end up with super powers. That’s a pretty exciting prospect.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SMM still loves you!!!
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
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