AstrologyEXPLAINED

All things are temporary....

2008-10-21T04:38:00.000-07:00

Hello all!

It is with a touch of sadness that I announce that I am retiring AstrologyExplained. It's become clear that I simply cannot keep up with weekly astrological forecasts, as delightful as they may be.

I started this blog as a way to break a writer's block, and break it I did (knock on wood)! Thanks to the blog, I've started a number of projects--but those projects need my attention now. :(

I am still available for charts and Tarot readings (readings can be done by phone if you are not in the NYC area) Please contact me at sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com if you're interested!

Thanks to everyone who followed this blog and who donated their funds when I threw tantrums. I hope to have more things in print soon to appropriately horrify you!

Love,
Courtney
aka Sister Mary Manhattan

Still stuck in Sucktrograde....

2008-10-08T09:01:00.001-07:00

But the Computer EMT unit is coming to the Convent this weekend!!!

Many thanks, sinners!!!

The Effects of Sucktrograde....

2008-10-01T13:24:00.000-07:00

Sister Mary's computer caught a nasty virus last night, and she only has this fleeting moment at Mother Superior's modem to say she's sooooooo sorry the horrorscopes are late! She hopes to get you a forecast this week, but if not, she'll have an even more stellar one for you next week!

xoxo
SMM

This week!!!!!

2008-09-26T11:49:00.000-07:00

Oh, the masses are back and Sister Mary couldn’t be more pleased to see you! We hope you don’t mind that the Monday forecast has been switched to Wednesdays. This is to honor the oft-forgotten Hump Day, and also to give Sister Mary a bit more flexibility to attend Sunday evening Pilates classes, following the Mass. Her loins grow stronger by the day!

Now, you must have noticed that all things electronic and communicative wise are quickly going to shit. This is because Mercury has begun her oh-so-ungraceful waltz backwards through the Cosmos, through what is known as a Retrograde (or for clarity’s sake…Sucktrograde.). Be very, very careful over the coming weeks not to assume anything will get anywhere on its own. Emails will be lost, calls dropped, IPods mysteriously comatose. Never fear! It shall abate by Halloween. Meanwhile, read on to see what the mysterious Universe has in store for you!!!

Welcome to the week of September 24-30!!!

Aries (March 21-April 20)
Follow this advice: take the Holy lunch bag, crunch up at the top, bring to mouth. Inhale and exhale from bag, dramatically. Preferably at a family function or in 8:00 a.m. mandatory staff meeting. Not only will this get you the attention you’ve been sorely craving for the past three days, but it will alleviate the desire to throw chairs. Your already sordid relationships are strained to their maximum, and people are getting a teensy bit tired of you giving all the orders. Never mind that you are indeed better at things than most people. They need the Universal reminder by letting shit fall to pieces by not listening to you. Next week, people will be more inclined to do what you say. Now, just breathe into the bag. Very good.

Taurus (April 21-May 20)
Taurus doesn’t like change. In fact, Taurus thinks everything was just fine. Even if something wasn’t perfect, it should have changed on Taurus’s terms. Now that chaotic Pluto is doing some kind of shift up there, Taurus is mad. Pluto did not consult the Bulls, first. Now, here’s the good news. The roommate up and left (even if Taurus was not fond of the roommate—the roommate did make good coffee). This means Taurus has full use of the bedroom, now. No longer will they be kept awake by awkward noises from the other side of the room. Money will be tight without the extra rent check, but Taurus can now build a meditation area to soothe the worries from the new void. Taurus will grow to like it and probably develop a rash when the new person arrives. Maybe you ought to consider deleting the Craig’s List posting—until after Halloween, anyway.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The pull of shifting Pluto is making you reach for your scalp to pull out what’s left of your luscious locks. You weren’t ready for the summer play-time to end. Families and significant others needneedNEED YOU. Responsibility just doesn’t rhyme with fun. In fact, it doesn’t rhyme with anything. Oh, Gemini. You may actually have to roll up your sexy, gauzy sleeves and get in the muck of it for the next few weeks. If you’re in a relationship, expect that the feeling of smothered to return, briefly. Make sure it doesn’t involve strangulation. If it does involve being strangled, knee the person in the crotch and get the fuck out. If it does not involve the strangle, just politely ask for space. Of course your partner will get nervous, but they’ll try harder to please you in bed when they come back around. It all works out in the long run.

Cancer (June 21-July 20)
Cancers spent all summer cooking at the BBQs for everyone they know. Now, they’re paying for it in gym memberships and overdoses of Vitamin C. Cancers, everywhere—now is time to stop the frivolous spending of the summer and put away the ice cream. Okay, never mind the ice cream. But maybe try making your pizza instead of ordering it. We Cancerians need to take care of ourselves as most of us are probably hosting the whole fam again over the holidays. If we’re not doing the hosting, at the very least we’re making all the runs to the airports, or shelling all the crabs again for the imperials. Don’t be going sneezy into Aunt Flora’s Kwanzaa celebrations….yes, it’s early for Kwanzaa. But we Cancerians incubate awhile and don’t get over things…anythings…with speed or ease.

Leo (July 21-August 20)
You, Leo, need to stop letting the Cancerians wait on you and help Gemini rake the yard. Clean out your gutters, if you haven’t already. Your lazy summer days are over, but most Leos can still be found clinging to their comforters and whining, “Make it go away!!!” But before you do anything hasty just to make it go away, realize that you may cause a boomerang effect. What you toss aside now may likely creep back up onto your stoop at a time you’d least likely to see it return—like when you’re stumbling home from a show at 6 a.m., with a new hottie tucked in your arm. Stop ignoring arguments and make amends with even those you’d rather never see again. Trust Sister Mary, Pluto is going to have the Great Subway Blast effect, and blow everything right back in your face. Make sure it smells like roses!!!

Virgo (August 21-September 20)
Financial crisis? Romantic explosions? Terrifying new prospects in the nation’s leadership? Eh. Virgo shrugs. All run of the mill stuff of the sign squashed by Saturn for the past year. And they’ve still got a year to go, so don’t plan on whining about any of your issues to a Virgo. They will have it worse and won’t be afraid to (bluntly) tell you so. Yeah, Virgo, it’s another week of bad money, miscommunication and traffic jams in Virginland. Good luck to all you, keep your sacred flask handy. No nun will judge you for it. This just in from the cauldron…oops! More disruption. Oh, Virgo. Whatever form your crappy weekend takes, jumping from a bridge is the a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Saturn will eventually leave and start crapping on your Libra friends. Loosen the noose, you’re making us all nervous.

Libra (September 21-October 20)
Venus made a graceful bow in your sign last week, giving lots of love to one of her favorite kids (she likes you just as much as she likes Taurus), but her moving on left you with lots of deep insecurities. Again. Frankly, this is going to be the case for Libras over the next few months as Venus begins a new, two year journey. Relationships will mix and match and even swing, which is something Libra will not be into. Libra, the good news is that even through this change and these murky moments, Venus is giving you the opportunity to grow into an even better set of scales than before, even more accurate and flattering—at the same time! You’ll be much prettier than your Taurus friends when all is said and done.

Scorpio (October 21-November 20)
Comb the hair and done the lipstick, you’ve got to seduce everyone from the boss to the bodega owner. With Pluto making its move, it’s a good time to get you out of your cave and get you running to make yourself big and powerful. Seduce, seduce, seduce…that is your starting point. All other greatness comes from that. This is a great week to get your money in order, so you can buy your Cancerian friends and lovers more expensive gifts than the IOU’s you scribbled on cocktail napkins last year at Solstice. Just kidding. We’re not that bent out of shape about it.

Sagittarius (November 21-December 20)
Two words for you: QUIT and MOPING. Put them together and you’ll start to smile. Well, not really, but it’ll put you in a healthier frame of mind and maybe your girlfriend/boyfriend(s) will stop the broken record recording of ‘Honeywhat’swrong?Honeywhat’swrong?Honeywhat’swrong?’ These last couple of years have been taxing on Sagittarius—forcing them to think about the meaning of their lives and their place in the world. Thank goddess that’s almost over, so they can resume their comfortable, brainless position at the Wii.

Capricorn (December 21-January 20)
You can’t be the prettiest in the board room this week. Well, you can, but no one is going to notice because your place will be behind the Power point projector, not in its glowing amber light. This is the week for Capricorns to do the unappreciated, the icky and the unfun. It’s all part of the karmic balance, and you’ll be back around in no time with new fun stuff to do and glamour to show for it. Your hard work may end up getting you a raise (although even the grandest planetary bodies can’t fight this current economic debacle), which means you can buy more diamonds.

Aquarius (January 21-February 20)
If you have the ability (i.e., you didn’t spend all your money on comic books and your car actually works this week) to get out of town, now is the time to do it. You’re in danger of spontaneous combustion—moreso than usual! Actually, the Universe is demanding that you raise your perspective. So, seek higher ground, even if you can’t afford an airplane ticket. Even just a hike across the bridge will give you a better appreciation of the water. 

Pisces (February 21-March 20)
Pisces has been trying to get closer to something that simply seems impossibly far away. Whether or not Pisces is in a relationship, the object of their affection is just one step (or in some cases, many-many-many…) too far away. You may simply be meant to walk this part of your path alone, and that’s not such a bad thing. First of all, you won’t have a partner bugging you for cash. Two, you’ll learn a few things in your solitude that will make you far more attractive when the person finally pulls their head out of their ass and comes back to you. Give it a shot.

News News News.....

2008-09-22T06:43:00.000-07:00

Hello all,

AstrologyExplained will now be published on Wednesdays instead of Mondays. Yes...this means you have to start your week off in darkness and morbid confusion. But it'll put a refreshing turn on the phrase "hump-day"!!!

xoxo
SMM

SISTER MARY HAS RETURNED!!!

2008-09-15T06:54:00.000-07:00

Ah…Sister Mary has returned!

Yes, my darlings! Thank you SOOOO much for your patience during SMM’s sabbatical. She took that time to rest, recuperate and learn a bit more about the star patterns. The Great Bastard in the sky has a WILD autumn heading this way, so do keep up on your Prozac and Bourbon. Goddess knows both will be supremely necessary.

It’s the week of September15-21! Welcome to autumn!!!

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Schedule time with the couple’s therapist this week. Your reigning planet is standing directly across the table from lovely Venus—shaking a pissed off hoof in her fickle face. You may think you’re saying to your partner, “But Honey, you don’t look fat at all in that tube top…” but your partner is going to hear, “SWINE!!!!!” Yep. Not only is Venus totally NOT in your favor this week, the beginnings of the Mercury in Sucktrograde will make it nearly impossible to talk sense into anyone. Stock up on flowers and chocolates and try not to talk unless to alert someone of a fire.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Now, your pretty home planet of Venus is moving in with your friend Libra this week. That’s good news! Your Libra friends (however co-dependant and pushy…) are great with relationships. So, if you’ve had your eye on the cute little red-head you’ve known for a million years, now is a good time to take them out and say, “I like you. Let’s shag and then live in sin for awhile with the possibility of entering the time-honored and occasionally oppressive institute of marriage someday.” It’s a good week for love for Taurus. Don’t get stuffy and think these people need to come to you. Taurus, it’s time for you to get off your ass and go after the hottie. Sister Mary has spoken.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
If you need to get anything taken care of verbally or contractually, do it before the 24^th, Gemini. Anything you attempt to do legally or contractually between 9/24 and Halloween will fall under the realm of King FUBAR (and he’s kind of a bastard). This is because Mercury in Sucktrograde traditionally messes with chatty Gemini more than most of the signs. If you’re dating someone, know this Sucktrograde in Libra will mess with your partners at home more than your partners in business. Sign your pre-nup, now.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Our Moon is doing all kinds of wacky dances on our psyches this week. Because the Moon is going to land in Pisces, Aries, Taurus AND Gemini, we will need to work through our social phobias (Gemini), need to buy 80’s memorabilia ala Gem and the Holograms or Teddy Ruxpin on Ebay (Taurus), need to have a public outburst including lots of tears with the co-worker who is a real brown-nosing douche (Aries), and need to find out who loves us—really loves us (Pisces). It’s a heavy week. Most of this stuff can fortunately be worked out in dreams, so keep a journal by the couch you crash on. Journaling is fun. It’s a book all about you. Pull that old notebook out from beneath the mattress and get to work analyzing yourself. Nobody else cares enough, do they, Cancer? They just don’t get it.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
This is a good week for you, Leo. If you start out needing additional caffeine and Red Bull at the beginning of the week, you’ll find that by the end of the week you’ll be like the fern—drawing lots of energy from the environment around you. Watch your money, and watch your health. Many Leos have had health problems earlier this week and tried to ignore their fevers and vomitorium episodes with more beer. This was a poor, although hilarious, choice. But the astrological energies will show up with goods a plenty by the weekend, so take Monday-Wednesday off from the club.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You know how this last year has been on the sucky side of crappy? Well, that’s Saturn’s fault. Guess what? You still have another year. Word of the Prophet SMM says try to find a way to make a little money on the side—whether it’s a little housecleaning, doing a Craig’s List clearance, or selling your body to MIT drug analysts. If you really want to make the most of this time, make a list of all the things you’ve gained in the past year. Despite Saturn’s bastardly arrival, you probably had at least one or two cool things happen to you. Making this little list (alphabetized or whatever you end up doing) will make you less likely to sit and moan on the couch, looking like a dork.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

This past week should have been awesome for you. If it wasn’t totally full of love and sex and horse-drawn carriages, you’re shagging the wrong dude or chick. Venus is hanging out on your astrological couch, beginning a new two-year cycle and starting with you! This is a perfect time for lovey-dovey Libra to shack up with the right person. If it doesn’t look good, romance-wise, you need to cut, run and restart the Match.com profile. Take advantage of this mushy time. You’re the one who stands to benefit, most.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Oh! Big surprise. It’s a week of deep introspection. Particularly in dreams, you should get together with your Cancerian friends and share notes about the fucked-up things you saw in your sleep. Aries and Gemini folks are more likely than usual to annoy the crap out of you. You’d be better off to avoid the people who will encourage you to be social and just enjoy the time you have curled up in your little cave, thinking about yourself and enjoying the paintings on the wall.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Wee!!!! Celebrate! Feisty Pluto (which is still a planet—ignore what all skeptics say) is about to get the hell out of your sign. As you may recall, Pluto was bringing you the magic words “regeneration and transformation” which meant people kept moving your stapler and messing up your groove. You can take a break, as you’ll finally find that nothing needs to change. Now, this is going to bore you through the month of October, so work on planning your Halloween costume, because it will feel as though nothing is going on. That’s because Pluto is taking a big break before charging into Capricorn, moving their cheese and screwing up their I-Pod.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Well….Aries and Gemini are going to piss you the hell off, too. Just avoid those people. Talking to them won’t help, passive aggressive emails certainly won’t help. Their signs are standing way on the other side of where you are, and their voices are going to react on you like the fingernails to chalkboards. Keep your pretty little nose to the grind and work on getting your projects done. Again, before the 24^th with Mercury starts running away and causing problems. Oh! Quick note from the cauldron. There is a warning about head injuries, you might want to wear a helmet when leaving the house.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)

Umm….things are going to be even more confusing in the coming days. Not that you’ll notice, you tend to live on planet “Huh????” most days. This will be one of the few times during the year when you have to worry more about money than your record collection—pay attention to your bank account. This past year has been pretty good to you, but right now it’s better that you reign in how much money you spit out at the bar and the flea market.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)

Monday is a big day. Hope you got to bed last night. The lunar energy is all in Pisces, you’ll be feeling powerful and awesome, but by Tuesday you’ll be back to your confused, wacky selves. You also need to pay attention to your dreams. Call up your Cancer friends, but avoid Scorpios—they’re more liable than usual to fuck with you. Don’t get SMM wrong, it’s going to be a nice week, but it will be even harder than usual to see the things you want to see in action anywhere other than your pointed little head.

You were missed!!!!

Horrorscopes will Return on 9/15!

2008-09-08T06:38:00.001-07:00

Hello all,

Thanks for your patience during SMM's sabbatical! AstrologyExplained will return on Monday, 9/15!

See you then!

xoxo
SMM

Sorry, guys...

2008-05-21T20:29:00.000-07:00

Sister Mary needs to take a few weeks hiatus while she pulls her pointed head together. Nothing wrong, all is well, just too much ruckus going on in the Convent.

If you would like notification when AstrologyExplained returns, please send an email to sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com and you will be notified as soon as SMM pulls her habit together.

Blessed Be, Motherfuckers!!!!

xoxo
SMM

Tomorrow

2008-05-19T05:08:00.000-07:00

Scopes will be up Tuesday night!!! Thanks for being patient little demons!!!

BACK BACK BACK!!!

2008-05-11T19:55:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who was soooooooo very patient with Sister Mary while she took her week-long, unexpected sabbatical!!! These things happen, but you all are the greatest readers a nun could ask for.

It’s the week of May 11-May 17!!! Smile and dance bit. You look cute in that top.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Things are going to kinda smell funny around the Aries’s house in the next couple of days. Maybe it’s because they need to scrub the toilet and take out the trash, maybe it’s because the cosmos is sending them AM radio waves of bad ju-ju. Aries simply isn’t going to play well with others. Aries, if they seem like they’re all out to get you, keep in mind that you might(!) be partially to blame. Also remember that the definition of insanity is running your head into the same brick wall and expecting a different kind of concussion. (There are easier ways to get Vicadin.) Be nice to your friends, no matter how they annoy you, as you’ll need them when your car (or equally expensive necessity) breaks down at the end of the week.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Maybe it’s because they’re resting in their own planetary realm this week, or maybe it’s because they’re simply not finished with the rampages they had going on for the past few weeks—but Taurus simply isn’t finished breaking shit. Something will seriously irk them by noon on Monday morning, and they won’t shut up about it until at least Wednesday. Then, they’ll journal, reflect, meditate, fingerpaint their partners’ bathrooms—something will enable them to snap out of it. Of course, they’ll be the sensitive little bulls we know and will need to be coddled. Keep that in mind if you’re boinking a Taurus.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Maybe you’re the one colliding with Aries. Mercury chilling in your sign has drastically increased your chances of getting caught with your newly-pedicured foot in your mouth. You nut. Still, signs continue to point to you having all the cash this week. We know you like to share your partners…feel like sharing a little money as well? Buy your friends drinks and cookies to make up for whatever you say early in the week to piss them off. Something delicious will begin brewing in your world by the end of next week. You’ll somehow manage to please someone, somewhere, who will buy you extra presents at Christmas time. In plain terms, nurture your healthy alliances now.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Mars finally leaving our sign has ditched us into a pit of laziness and our kitchens stink. The mere energy to match socks is going to be a stretch this week. Now, while we’re feeling like doing nothing, it’s a good time to reflect on our favorite topic: US! ME! I! Yes, fellow Crabs! The Universe is giving us permission to gaze at our MySpace profiles, dissolve into our personal journals, and pick up a few new toys at Sex R Us. It’s all about us this week. Unless we’re friends with/involved with any Geminis. They’ll have the money and we will not.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Ha! Now you’re stuck with Mars!!! AND the moon! Actually Leos do well when their sign gets spanked by Planet Productivity. The moon in Leo is going to bring them even more delicious powers of prowess and everyone will think they’re swell. The Great Cauldron of SMM still warns you to take it easy in the first part of the week. You’ll need all of your energy for the great “coming together” you’ll receive by Wednesday. This “coming” may be a circle of friends finally getting along, your boss finally getting you out of the Suck Shift, or something of that nature. And by the end of the week you’ll have a cathartic breakthrough either creatively or spiritually and go running off into the hills again to celebrate. So make sure to get plenty of sleep on Monday or Tuesday.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Believe it or not, Virgos have a good reading this week! (Bookmark this page, so when you complain that SMM is mean to you, you can go back and see otherwise.) It’s also all about you this week. Now, instead of asking your friends and therapist team to analyze you, try analyzing yourself for once. Slowly. Don’t boil your cerebrospinal fluid. Despite the steel-gates Saturn has presented you over the past year, you’re making connections that will pay off when that Bitch Planet finally leave you. Oh, and Virgo? Quit harping on the past.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras took care of themselves (mostly…) over the weekend and are walking in a shiny and pretty to the job on Monday. Of course, they’ll have their little hearts crushed by some bastardly customer or co-worker in a matter of minutes. Instead of letting it roll off their backs as they normally would, they are ten times more likely to blow up at someone in the stock room. And then they’ll be over it. But it’ll take them a little longer than usual. Libra, don’t let these bastards f*ck you in the ass like that. They’re not that good at it, anyway.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpio, you TOO have things growing in your life this week! Unfortunately, it just looks like mold and roach colonies. Never fear! You’ll find the Achilles ’ heel of the bastard that put you in a funk and you’ll be over it once they turn up missing. (heh heh) Actually, the reason you’re going to be unhappy this week is the Universe is encouraging you to practice healthy talk. Not sociopath “kinda talk.” Which, if you’re not aware, sociopaths do to keep from getting caught being bastards—effectively skirting the questions. Don’t do that. Straight talk will keep you from winding up in jail. Well, maybe not. But you’re less likely to go to Hell. And we all know you need all the help you can get!

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Blank is the end, blank is the beginning. Our Archers are starting out this week with a kind of emotional amnesia, which is better for them and worse for the hearts they broke. But they won’t forget so much that they don’t wear their invisible suit of heart-armor when they march into the bar. Something about this Don’t F*CK with me shield is going to benefit you financially. You may be hired to whack people. This will help pay off your credit card bill! And don’t worry, you’ll get full protection from the people who hire you. We think.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You need to calm down, you need to switch to decaf. No, forget SMM just said that. Don’t even try the decaf, stay with meditation and lots of water. You’re not missing out on anything, there is nothing more for you to do. SMM will say it again. You’re NOT missing out on ANYTHING. No one, anywhere, is more successful than you at the moment. Really. SMM means it. Starting over, whatever it is you’re working on, by mid-week is going to be really awesome. (That’s the most wizdumb SMM can get out at the moment. Sorry.) But be warned that something new is going to annoy the crap out of you by Friday. Don’t mean to upset you.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Damn. You’re broke. You’re probably the brokest sign in the whole chart this week. Be sure to kiss a Gemini’s ass. Or lick it, whatever they’re into this week. But whatever you have to do to ensure your bills get paid this week, stick to whatever morals you have rattling around in there. It’s your only path out of the dungeon when you get bored. And whatever it is you have to do this week, you’ll emerge stronger for it. Good luck to you, lovely!!!

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Matters of the R word (uh…Relationships) are close at hand with Pisces this week. You’ve got to decide if the cretin sleeping on your couch is worth the trouble. Are you getting out of your lovers all the climaxes you require? And…are you satisfying your lovers? Really? Take a look at the people with whom you’re involved and make them pay rent or tell them to get the fuck out. Don’t just Go With the Stupid Flow, you lazy bastard. Actually take control…or accept the continual wallet and psychic drain without complaint.

You were missed!!!!

Oy.

2008-05-06T02:56:00.000-07:00

Sister Mary is simply going to have to take this week off because she simply has too much shite going on in the Coven!!! Er...convent. (hee!)

Running waaaaayyyyy late....

2008-05-04T22:25:00.000-07:00

You'll need to wait until Monday night!!! (Possibly Tuesday morning...)

You tell me all your secrets, but don't lie about your past.....

2008-04-28T16:13:00.000-07:00

Oh, dear. Sun in Taurus—but the crazy moon in Aquarius. Maybe some of you noticed that the full moon in Scorpio drew out secrets and wackness from the deepest regions of our subconscious and caused us to spill them across conversational lines with a force of twenty raging bulls. That’s where the Taurus comes in. China shops beware, our feisty friend Taurus has us on a wacky ride this week that doesn’t plan to stop for like, ever. Well, it will someday. But not this week. Mercury is also in Taurus which means people are going to do their favorite Bull Sign things and talk it all to friggin’ death. And with Venus in Aries, the sex will be hot but the breakups even more devastating. Don’t be too concerned! The moon has settled into flighty Aquarius which means that whatever we’re wrapped up in at the moment will fly away into “Oh, yeah. I forgot about that” in a manner of minutes. And we’ll be onto another obsession.

Cryptic enough? Read on, wise little sinners! Sister Mary has much more where that came from!!!

Aries (March 21-April 19)
While the Taurus energy is getting most of our slippery feet on the ground, Aries was already doing okay with their own hooves. The additional earth energy is going to make you feel stuck in the mud—which kind of sucks. But it isn’t all bad. The Taurus Mercury is going to make a lot more people sensitive to your rather blunt and fiery tongue. Your honesty may be mistaken for douchebaggery. Most of your problems this week will be the inability to work out issues with friends, lovers and co-workers because everyone around you will be too damn busy to sit down and have a State of the Relationship address. You’re Aries and therefore will feel physically and psychically constipated until you can get your point across. The opportunity will hit before the weekend, but don’t force it. And listen, this time. Stop snorting and growling.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
It’s all about you this week, pretty one! “About time…” Taurus grumbles, and SMM couldn’t agree with you more. Eruptions and destructions have plowed through Taurus like a paper bag of plutonium, but the new world created by your own nuclear destructions leave plenty of delicious opportunities for new friends, new lovers, and new shoes. Don’t get too hooked on battle. Breaking shit is a hard addiction for Taurus to curb. You’ve been very good all year, don’t start being Bad Taurus when it’s so close to your birthday and you want nice presents. You may have to take some time away from Pamper the Taurus to go be nice to someone else. That’s not hard for you, to be nice, but getting you out of the spa will be the challenge. Put a tight limit on the Sauna time and look out for Great-Aunt Ester. Besides, she has candy in her purse.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Chatter-box drama is overflowing the Gemini kiddy-pool this week. Gemini, you’re being warned to take note of the time on the clock before whipping out the phone and calling the BFF’s—or they won’t be the BFF’s for long. Do you really need all of this attention, or are you only driving yourself and everyone around you more than slightly mad? Consider, consider the time, Gemini. That’s your major cauldron warning for this week. Plus, if you pipe down a bit, you’ll be more likely to hear the cash-fairy when she comes knocking at your door. That’s right! Geminis have the opportunity to make some cash mid-week, and they better not blow it. Of course, they might not see this cash for a year or so, but better late than never! Start paying attention to all ringing cash registers, now.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You know, Mars in Cancer has made everything decidedly crappy. In ours heads, anyway. Thrown forward by this unusual need to accomplish EVERYTHING, we struggle when things don’t come sailing into our lap in pretty blue Tiffany’s boxes. It looks as though it’s this kind of week for Cancers. The coked-out motiviation will be met with a dried out and limp nutsack of opportunity. We’ll want to crawl into our shells and die. The shell part is a good idea. The dying part is not. Who will our co-dependant friends co-depend on? Now is also not the time to rehash the past. We will, anyway, because we’re Cancers. It’s a better week for reflection on who we are as Crabby Babies and how we can evolve to become stronger, sexier Crabby Toddlers. That’s our advice to ignore for the week.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leos have a bumpy start to this here week. Whether heartbreak, hangover or kidney stone, they hobbled into work this morning with a mimosa hidden in their travel coffee mugs and a thick supply of Advil (or acid…) under their tongues. If you’re involved with a Leo, pet them often. They’re sad little kittens this Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday. By mid week, the depression will set in for a bit. But only for a bit! No need to call the shrink, yet! They are more likely to curl up on the couch than go to the Pilates class with their friends, and that’s okay. They get one pass and this is the one. But by week’s end, they’ll emerge happy and shining with a fresh new gloss on their manes and will be back to purr, preen and entertain us. It happens. Don’t worry about them. But do spoil them.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Yeah, you and your Cancer friends should get together and feel sorry for yourselves in common spirit. You’re so sick of being in a rut, you’d like to chew through rock. It won’t help. But this time is a growing time for you. Yeah, SMM knows how much you just love (not) inspirational word-pills…but it’s true! A year from now, you’ll be very happy with yourself. And you’ll get to laugh at the poor saps stuck in Saturn once you’re all done with it! Ha ha ha ha ha.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
The chaotic Scorpio moon threw everything in your world off-center as well, which caused an outbreak in hives on Libras around the world. The early part of this week will find you reaping the rewards from your organized ways. Like, matching socks and milk that isn’t sour. This puts you miles ahead of the other knuckleheads that surround you, who are still chewing their curdled coffee and can’t even find the socks. Now, don’t get all fancy-pants and braggy, Libra. The end of your week wants to come and smack you in the ass, in a way that is not pleasant. So, keep your meditation tapes and scented candles handy. You’ll need ‘em. SMM promises. Hopefully you won’t need them too much or too long.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Well, well well…you certainly got something out of your own f-d up moon! Share, damnit! You’re reaping more and more awesomeness, which will only increase in the next few months. Take advantage of this productive time and like, get a job or something. Or sell your original graphic novel—the one you’ve kept under your mattress since the 11^th grade. Also, take time to think about you, even more than you normally do. The theme of this Scorpio’s week is “The Self.” And it’s about “Self-improvement,” not “Persuasion, domination, and annihilation of everyone but Me.” It also might be a good week to send one of your Guys out after the punks that still owe you money for whatever drugs you scored for them back in college. Chances are, they’ve found some sort of income by now.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Oh, you’re totally fine for this week. Read no further. Ha! Now that you’re ignoring SMM’s advice, she’ll say it again. You’ll be very happy for the first part of the week, and the happiness is most likely inspired by that hottie still curled up in your bed. Things are going well for Sagittarius in the heart front. Even if that hottie is still a sharpie-marked body pillow made to look like your heart’s desires, the relationship with that pillow will deepen as it contours to your lusty frame. You, too need to watch that you don’t get so enwrapped in your pillow that you suffocate or something. (That’s a metaphor for all relationships—ADD friend.) Take some time for you by the end of the week or that person you’re so crazy about now will start to bug the crap out of you by Friday and you’ll be bored and lonely over the weekend.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Something has seriously crawled under your tail this week, lovely one. Something flared out, which disappointed you greatly. The temp job folded way before it was meant to, the five-week relationship that was going so well suddenly needed “space.” Weird. Well, don’t analyze it too much, but also don’t push yourself to get over something that may simply need some more time to hurt. If you’re upset, let it be that way and don’t try to shove it off the mental plane just yet. It’ll only bounce off the jagged valley floor and come back as a migraine over a tiny traffic jam. These things have a bad way of doing just that.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Huh. Why the hell are you so calm this week? It’s making us all nervous. Maybe your own moon’s influence just puts you in a state of bliss, now that everyone is moving to your groove for once. Something big—and good!—is about to enter your realm. A promotion, maybe. Promoting an Aquarius seems like a risky business venture and is a little less likely in the realm of conservative Taurus. In fact, that’s what it looks like will happen. Someone is about to give you a lot of responsibility and then come to their senses at the last minute. Don’t take it too personally. Did you really want to micro-manage office monkeys, anyway?

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Strength is your objective and obstacle this week. You’d rather get a root canal by a rabid beaver this week—if it means you can stay in your dark little hole and hide from the world. Your time of hibernation is going to help you quite a bit. You’ll finally emerge (maybe when the weather turns) and you’ll emerge skipping (sort of) and humming (a little). Delicious new beginnings are on the way for Pisces, and they’d better make good use of them or Sister Mary will kick you with a stiletto. It’ll hurt. THAT she promises.

Be Good! Have Fun! Don’t waste your time trying to do both!!!

Here they are!!!!

2008-04-21T20:03:00.000-07:00

Oh, why bother with intros??? You’re just going to scroll down to your sign!!!

It’s the week of April 20-26!!! Remember that tax guy? Thank God that’s done…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Stock your fridge, mend your socks and pick up the condom wrappers before the wife comes home. Your week starts out strong, Aries, but some kind of torpedo is on the way. It may be nothing more than an extra stall on New Jersey transit, and it’s certainly going to work itself out just fine, but keep some canned food on hand. Batteries and bottled water, too. Not that you’ll need these things, but you should probably get them, anyway.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Happy Birthday!!! Crazy interruptions hit our Bulls squarely between the horns last week, ranging from an irritating case of the hiccups to the explosions of boilers in the basements of their spirits. It’s not a great way to begin your birthday season. Taurus, it’s going to take a long time to get over these hiccups. Maybe a year or more. After you’ve finished with that China Shop, pay attention to when you ought to pull those horns in and sneak out stealthily before the cops show up.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
As happy and flighty as our Twins can be, they hold a grudge comparable to the most vengeful Cancer or Scorpio. (Maybe not so much as Capricorn—impossible to top that kind of grudge). And, it looks like Gemini woke up out of the bed this morning with a nasty grudge squarely painted on both of their faces. If you’ve upset a Gemini recently, believe that they are running off to weep in the company restroom numerous times during the day. (And you thought they had no feelings…) It’s okay. Geminis around the galaxy will take the time to have constructive conversations in which—of course—the other party will be unable to insert a word. But it will involve minimal throwing of drinks, knives or office supplies.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
We toughened up our shells this week, and this time, it wasn’t an illusion. People actually were out to get us. So, into the bedroom we went with a pretty lavender candle and dusted off our Ani DiFranco collection. Now, having brewed in our own resentful juices, we’re getting ready to go out there and say the things we’ve rehearsed in our bedroom mirrors. However, the rest of the signs have already forgotten that we’re mad at them. Cancers, we are being warned to not enact on our Telling Douche Off In Public Place. The best thing we can do is turn up the volume on our Inner Jiminy Crickets. Murder may not be the smartest course of action.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Our Leos also had reason to prance around with caution early this week. Either they were feeling far too sensitive, or the MILF they took home last week was actually a high powered official and now the press is camping out at our Leos’ dens. (Leo—remove the blindfold once in awhile, okay? The cuffs can stay.) Leo, it’s best that you separate from whatever situation is making you nervous to stand in wide open spaces. You, even more than Cancer, need to listen to that stupid cricket. You’re not as apt to murder as you are to be assassinated. Not everyone offering you a ride in a long, black car has your speed and punctuality in mind.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Saturn of Suck has put you into a near-permanent funk. It’s okay. We’re all getting used to your crappy attitude since the arrival of the Constriction Planet into your home space. While you’re moping into a podcast for the early part of the week, some delicious ray of light is coming into your life. Either the person you’re with finally puts out, or you shack up with the hot bartender who has been ignoring you for the past two years. Looks as though there’s a strong chance of living happily ever after! Finally some good news for Virgos. Doesn’t mean it’s going to last. But it might.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras expect a fairytale ending to every week. Now, when the glorious prince or princess failed again to sweep them away in a Jaguar of pink roses, they slammed their bedroom doors and acted like Cancers for the rest of the weekend. Libra, please don’t take attention away from our tantrums. Please. Are you pushing too hard to get your way, again? Isn’t it possible that since you got the lucky arrival last week, maybe it’s say, Scorpio’s turn to get it? Or maybe Taurus? Share the glory, friend. And don’t feel the need to return every phone call. Some co-dependants will last up to twelve hours without hearing from you.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Ooh! Scorpio loooooovvvvveeeessss a good secret. And it looks as though they pulled a nice juicy one out of the social closet. If no good tid-bits have been aired, the Scorpios are also finding that things are slowly moving in their favor. This is means their voodoo dolls have been highly effective! Now, Scorpio, remember that you are not immune to the effects of Karma. Wear a helmet and watch for falling pianos. The end of this week will end in some kind of promotion, either socially or professionally. Take Sister Mary out for martinis when you learn she’s right (you cheap bastard.)…

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
What is it with all the revenge warnings??? Sag, who in the world could you have pissed off? Clearly, it was someone important, or it wouldn’t have shown up in the cauldron the way that it did. When it starts to get frustrating, make sure you truly are upset and not getting off on the pain of ripping your own hair from your scalp. SMM recommends that you get together with your Cancer and Leo friends and all of you collectively call your Inner Crickets. Let’s keep revenge-inflicted wounds to a minimum this week.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Some horrid neighbor woke up Capricorns across the galaxy with ecstatic bedroom screaming or little children who love to pound the floor with horrid feet. Cranky Capricorns are toxic to be around, and it’s likely that they’re the ones out to get Cancer, Leo, Scorpio and Sag this week. We should have avoided the absinthe-orgy, kids…or at least invited Capricorn’s frigid ass to join us. They’ll be over the insult by mid-week when they receive dozens of I’m Sorry comments on their MySpace page. We’d do better to buy them flowers, but they also know we’re broke. Now, they’ll need to watch their asses by mid-week when we start calling them on their shit. Hang in there, Friends of Capricorn. As for Capricorn, just kidding. SMM thinks you’re right about everyone and everything.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
You’ve been so friendly and jolly this week—a welcome change from the rest of the signs who have been plotting to kill one another. SMM doesn’t know many Aquarius’s who make a ton of cash, but the Flying Monkeys are reporting that they somehow managed to lend a whole mess of it to everyone they know. Now, they’re broke but don’t come crawling up to the Convent this week asking for a scrap of booze. We told you to keep an eye on your flask and your cash. On the other hand, if someone does owe you money, or sexual favors, this isn’t the week to ask for it. It’s coming to you, but you don’t need to do anything about getting it, right now.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Mixed up communication all around. Explaining yourself has never been your strongest suit, or even closest to it. But when people call you crying over something you supposedly said in G-Crack, which you don’t even remember typing. There are numerous things in Pisces land that need fixing. Pisces needs to take this time and go within, acknowledge their inner-bastards and figure out how to get rid of them. Or at least, the parts of them that make others drink heavily. It’s a growing time for Pisces. They’ll do well in the long run.

SMM loves you more than you can possibly know!!!

Coming......

2008-04-21T06:06:00.000-07:00

They'll be up this evening, darlings!!! Thanks for your patience!

Cranky Crabs, Strong Bulls and Stanky, Stanky Fish....

2008-04-13T20:47:00.000-07:00

Seriously, now. If you didn’t get your spring cleaning done when the weather was still crappy—and spent those extra winter weeks watching Tivo—you might be tempted to go frolicking in the park, but you know how much better it will be for you if you get rid of the clothes you still couldn’t fit into this winter. It’s all good. You’ll surely be down two sizes next year.

Of course, having a Leo moon over the next few days will make reclining in the lawn chair seem far preferable to getting shite done, but you won’t be able to ignore the overwhelming surge of Aries energy coming in through your Sun, Mercury and Venus signs.

It’s the week of April 13-19!!! Remember that tax guy?…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Hmm….do you even remember what you drank/sniffed/inserted on Saturday night? How about where you did it? How about the name of the drag queen who’s still snoring in your bed? Aries, it looks as though you got so swept up in your own energy, you don’t even know the zip code of the place in which you woke up on Sunday morning. It looks as though this hangover, and other repercussions of your debauchery, will be following you around Monday and Tuesday. Oh, wait. Sorry. Nothing is following you, it’s just you kicking yourself to death. Oh, Aries. Don’t be so hard on yourself. When in the midst of weekend-memory hell, embrace the beauty of cucumber masks and classical music. The stringed-kind. Not the symphonies. Not with this headache, anyway.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Most Tauruses (SMM says most, so she doesn’t get spanked for being wrong about one or two) will get a little something fancy from the Tax Man this year. Either a little money back or a quiet little trip to Club Fed, depending on which side of the Responsible/Spendfiend Taurus coin they fall on. Taurus is going to do a hell of a lot better than Aries at getting shit done this week. They’re finally going to tell their partners to shape up, tell their bosses to fuck off (nicely, in a professional and diplomatic manner) and manage to get in for a mani/pedi before the next weekend. Good work, Taurus. The end of the week will feel like a new world. One of the Utopian ones with cheap, organic produce and a mess of happy, skipping hippies.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Yeah…you must have been the one leading “poor” Aries astray last week. Or maybe you just annoyed the crap out of someone. Silly Gemini. Late last week, you started feeling uncharacteristically (and ridiculously) insecure and clung to someone who was supposed to save you from yourself. From both of yourselves. Well, that person got annoyed really fast and now won’t text you back. Put down the phone, pick up a dirty magazine, do something with your hands other than call that person again. You’re very cute in your own wacky way, and they’re bound to miss you. Take Sister Mary’s advice and diddle you rather than the silent person’s digits.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
We should learn from Gemini and understand that there is no point in acting like whiney, sappy crabs when what we should be doing is going out and kicking ass in these last days of Mars energy. Most of us aren’t famous yet, but it’s quite possible it will happen before the end of the month, if we work really hard at it. Anyway, it’s a week where we have to get in touch with us and figure out what it is that makes us call our best friends, weeping, at 3:15 in the morning. Besides alcohol. Let us suck it up, bite our lips and wait it out. It’s probably just hormonal, anyway.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Since your moon is taking the world by storm in the next few days, you’re going to be quite powerful and successful at anything you try to do before Tuesday. Now, when the tides start to change a little bit come mid-week, squeeze those little paws of yours as tight as possible, because something is going to happen which will make you want to chew the head off a certain’s person’s neck. And don’t come crying to us when it’s all done. We took care of you last week, and most of us are going through emotional hoo-ha right now, anyway.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Good Goddess. It’s just not getting any easier for you, is it? Oh, Virgo, if Sister Mary could change your fate…she would so do so. After she changes the fate of Cancerians, first. Some evil bastards like to say that the origins of “suffering” actually means “undergoing.” Maybe it’s true. And it’s sad but true to know that the majority of your friends have patiently listened to you piss and moan for the past few months and while they do care, they’re going to be busier pissing and moaning about their own things. You’ll need to go back into your cave and paint on the walls for awhile. It’s the best thing to do in a time of Saturn of Suck.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Nothing highly unusual for our Libras at the moment. They’re doing fine, except for that chaotic nuclear meltdown over the weekend. SMM is willing to bet some Aries dumped their cookies on their new stilettos. You, like your Cancer and Gemini brethren, are being warned not to be crazy-needy in the next few days. You’ll have to wring your hands alone. Seems as though we’re all going to need to retreat to our hideaways this week. How odd. Not everything is going to go your way, Libra. And even if it did, it’s not always the best policy to have it do just that. Take a break this week from trying to control everything.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Hail, O Evil One! You are striding into the coming week in full glory. Everyone will bow and lick your go-go boots. Be careful not to go striding into the wrong meat market, as you’ll get the wrong sub to lick your pretty toes and end up with some pissed-to-hell dome running after you with a barbed cat-o-nine tails. Even in your world, that could be icky. Scorpio doesn’t like to run. To be pursued maybe. But not made to run. All seriousness aside, sharp ruptures are highly likely this week. Maybe they’re timely, though, although they won’t feel like butter. However, other openings are on their way as well, which is tremendously exciting. In whatever form they take, take them for all they’re worth. Hard. Harder. Damnit, you know you can do better than that.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You, like your Scorpio friends, are starting out this week very strong as well. Of course, you’re going to get that nasty-ass foot of yours stuck in your trachea and someone is going to go slash your tires for it. Exhausted from having to hitch ride after ride after ride, you consider giving up your job and just selling your shit on Ebay for awhile. That’s not a good solution. Take it as a learning exercise. Yeah. And don’t try to sneak 12 items in the 10 items or less line just to save you some time at the grocery. You don’t need that much time and people will hate you for it.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The early part of the week will be rough. That’s all there is to it. But when it gets rough, do that tuck and roll thing and let the chaos waves ride over you. It’s the only way to survive the early part of the week. And you, like Sag, need to calm down, slow down and don’t let the freaks get you down. Open up to your therapist, your spouse and your lover. They’ll probably annoy you, too, but they’re the best thing you got going for you at the moment.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Shake it up. SMM can’t believe she’s saying this to you. You? Lethargic? Whose medication did you steal last week? Well, it looks as though you’ll be reunited with your old rehab friends sometime in the coming week. Hopefully, you’ll run into them in a squeaky clean Starbucks and not in the hospital cafeteria. Careful, though. It looks as though your old junkie friend may be asking to borrow some cash. You’re going to need it to get your grandpappy’s watch out of the pawn shop, so don’t give it out.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Ooh…..Pisces. Something is seriously rotten in your fish tank this week. Never underestimate the power of the seriously pissed-off. Never take for granted another person’s silence. All fish everywhere are warned to go back and figure out if any major white elephants shitting in the middle of their living rooms need to get noticed. Pisces, we know you are the least confrontational of all signs, but that needs to change and fast if they want to continue getting laid this week. Some Pisces are already screwed beyond help. If you’re not one of those Pisces, consider making some changes before it’s too late.

SMM is craving a glass of wine and a long trip to fairy land.

It's Mantra time again.

2008-04-07T04:52:00.000-07:00

Goodness gracious! Readership was never higher than last week, when you all thought Sister Mary was about to pull the plug. So silly.

Anyway, this week is bound to be insane as we’ve got Aries in our Sun, Mercury and Venus. Basically, we won’t have time for shite—not even to read Sister Mary’s beloved column. But because the Moon is in sensitive Taurus, you’ll need the love only Sister Mary knows how to provide.

This week, SMM is giving you drive-thru mantras to get you back on the cosmic freeway and getting things done. Ride the Aries energy, fiery sinners!!! Ride it straight away!!!

It’s the week of April 6-12!!! It’ll all be over soon…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
The Morons I Carry…Eventually Will Eat Me. Keep this in mind while enabling your incompetent co-workers and siblings. While they mean well, they will eventually end up gnawing on your tired skull.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Blank is the end, Blank is the Beginning. It is healthy, wealthy and wise of you to dump the money and soul sucking gremlin currently snoring in your bed. Start over fresh, and fill that freshness with someone hotter who will pick up the check 50% of the time.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
It May Not Go Your Way…Therefore, Your Head Will Explode. Gemini, are you putting your desire to bring your partner to the absinthe party above your partner’s need to go to rehab? Be careful to separate your own need to destroy from others’ need to heal.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
When they don’t listen…Talk Louder. If we have something to say, and the other chattering monkeys just won’t stop with the chatter, we’re going to have to stand on the table and bang some pot lids together until they do. Sulking will not get our message across.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Patience is the way of the Sexy Warrior. No acting needy this week, Leo. No clinging, pouting or pushing to get your way. Work with your inner monk and enjoy the beauty of silence once in a while.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
RUN AWAY. FOR THE BASTARDS ARE OUT TO GET YOU. Not to prey on the Virgo paranoia. But this week, it’s true…

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Spicy food will clear the sinuses, and therefore, the head as well. Ignore the loudmouths around you. Spend time alone with a spicy bowl of Udon. Ask the little cricket within you, “What the fuck do I do next?” Only in that cricket, not in your hoard of LiveJournal friends, will you find the answer.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Refill the moat and clone the army. If you, Scorpio, has an obstacle between you and your goal, it’s better that you stalk the shadows and wait for it to go away on its own. Moving too fast may bring out the stubborn bastard in your enemy. It’s a pain in the ass. Just wait it out.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Don’t move. Seriously. Remain calm this week, as you’ve once again gotten yourself into a situation (probably something to do with that foot you carry around in your mouth) that you cannot get out of easily. Let the professional (white coats) take care of it. Don’t do anymore that might further screw things.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
All is whole, therefore, I will go shopping. Yes, Capricorn, enjoy this prosperous time, for even good times are temporary. Don’t get annoyed with that statement—Sister Mary is an honest nun and would say the same to you if it were nasty times in your way. Just have fun. For it won’t always be so easy.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Stuff takes awhile. Therefore, don’t push it. Aquarius, SMM wants to remind you of a proverb about the old farmer who was so eager to assist his crops’ growth that he ran outside every night and pulled at the new shoots. That’s stupid. Don’t do that.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
It’s not so bad. Come out and play. You and Capricorn should hook up this week. Things are fine, so enjoy the ride. Give yourself a week off from contemplating the darker mysteries of the Cosmos. They’ll be back next week to annoy you.

SMM loves you!!!

This is Sister Mary's Final Horrorscope....

2008-03-30T08:57:00.000-07:00

April Fools!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry about that.

It’s the week of March 30-April 5!!!! Please don’t hate Sister Mary.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
This week will feel pretty good to Aries. At least the beginning, part. For those of you lucky enough to have your birthdays this week, the Capricorn moon drastically increases your chance of getting your birthstone wrapped up in gold. (April stone=diamond, for the uninitiated.) Unfortunately, even if the decadent nature of the Capricorn does indeed make its way through your realm, a couple of nasty events are going to increase the chances of you pulling the remainder of your hair out of your head. If it’s not pipes bursting or tires exploding, your mate may decide to try live out the Lifetime movie about the bi-polar teenager. Take heart. It’s all research for their novel which will be sure to sell lots, beginning it in a Capricorn moon, after all. They’ll take you on a cruise when they finally peel themselves off the ceiling.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Maybe it’s you, adhering yourself to the ceiling of some poor Aries. But the monkey-sources indicate that you’re not actually bi-polar (you’re NOT a Gemini, after all…), you’re simply pissy because you didn’t get to pick the bar on Friday night. Well, sweetie, not everyone can afford a bottle bar (at $200 per bottle???? Geez….). Frankly, you can’t either. Brat. Learn to appreciate the finer qualities of dive bars. Chicken wings. Fries. Beer pong. Learn to love the simple things and your bad mood periods will decrease. In fact, dive-crawling will be good not only for your perspective, but for your physical activity as well. The cauldron recommends that you keep moving this week.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’re having the Taurus week, but in reverse. Mostly. You’ll start out this week hitting each and every party, concert and orgy in a sixty mile radius. Somewhere in there, the Great Bastard Up Above is going to sling-shot you with an epiphany, about which you’ll thoroughly desire to write a book. Being Gemini, you’re likely to forget your insane revelation within thirty minutes or so. Keep a tiny little notebook handy to record these major breakthroughs. Besides, it will give you something fascinating to read on the bus, later on. Take your Ritalin because it’s going to be a long journey to completion. You got the One-Year rune in your cauldron stir. Which means, whatever you start on now is going to take 12 months longer to complete than you thought. Be patient. Hello? Are you still listening?

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Aw, damnit! Just when we were starting to have fun. Some hottie is going to up and leave us. Which, of course, we’ll add to the pile of Hotties To Obsess About, the files of which go back to 1989. Fellow Crabs, let us not wail from the rooftops anymore than will wake the neighbors on the top floor. It’s not going to make us feel any better to wake up the super. Our better resort would be to go with our Sag friends to a yoga class. Sags are good, because they’ll be tired of our whining in about seven minutes and remind us to shut up. Yoga is even better as it will melt the Ben and Jerry’s therapy off our asses, and expose us to a hard-bodied yoga instructor we could love to death. And then add to the Hottie To Obsess About pile. See, Cancers? The only way to heal from one heartbreak is to replace it with another one. It won’t feel great for us, but it will feel better for our friends, who would love to hear about a new douche. They’re so sick of our rants about the old one.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Yup. Yup. Yup. Leos took the self-help books to heart and focused on their projects and personal lives instead of their romance and sex lives. Guess what, Leo! Looks like you’re going to meet someone this week! Of course, it’s going to have the lifespan of a fruit-fly, but at least that gives you something to blog about. Don’t despair too much if you meet someone and it doesn’t work out—or if you meet someone and it does work out, but they’re just not that great with their tongue. Whatever you need to separate from yourself this week, it may be painful, it may be a relief. It all depends on how you decide to handle it. Don’t drink yourself to death, and don’t blow up your best friend’s cell phone. They’re still paying off the last one you blew up. Good luck, babe.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
"Hey sweetie! How are you doing?" asks Sister Mary in the tone of someone speaking to someone in a padded cell. It’s that point in the Saturn cycle where it’s completely obvious how Virgo is doing. All other signs—just don’t ask. Back away slowly and make sure to take all sharp objects with you. Closures, getting rid of stuff, forced by doctor to give up cocaine. Virgo, that’s what Saturn Suck Time is all about. It (duh) sucks a lotta lot, but when you come out in say in about a year, you’ll be such a better person with such a well-organized wardrobe! Yes, Virgos are anally-organized in most things: their favorite blogs and newsites taped to the desk by their computer, for singular example. Their home states, however, are generally not. Whips, chains and plugs all over the place. So hard to find things in a Virgo house when you need them.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libra, you need to go back in the house and finish your meditations. You said you’d finished everything and got back into balance, but Sister Mary’s monkeys are screaming that you did not. Something else in your private psyche needs to click back into place. You’re refusing to listen to the little voice trapped beneath the filing cabinet of your soul. (Heavy, right? Think on that for awhile.) Honor your inner badass. You’ll need it in the coming week when a painfully uncomfortable reunion occurs. However, this painfully uncomfortable thing will serve to help you let go of the past ick. Looks as though your ex is going to show up, with an extra fifty pounds attached. Did Sister Mary give you this reading a few weeks ago? Well, if it didn’t happen then, it’s sure as hell going to happen now. Take pictures and circulate to loving friends.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Huh. Maybe it’s you who’s breaking all the Cancerian hearts this week. Well, if that’s the case, Sister Mary breathes a sigh of relief. She thought it might have been someone important—like a Leo or a Taurus. Maybe it’s a Leo who’s going to trounce on your black little blood-pumper! The prospects for revenge look excellent this week, although not immediate. Expect that it will take six months to a year for the Voodoo curse to come to fruition. You’ll need to pay the Mambo, so don’t spend all your money on gin. Now, it looks as though you (like many of us this week) are also ignoring your inner cricket. Did this person really deserve all the crap you’re slinging at them? We know you think so, but does the rest of the world agree? Before you say, “Eat me, cheap bastards…” think about it for a bit. Maybe if you listen to your inner cricket, you’ll avoid jail time.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sister Mary simply doesn’t see how it could get much better for you. You’re nearly exhausted from chasing that hot Aquarius all over the city, but it looks as though this week will be the time you finally nail them. Watch out. There’s a 38% chance of falling hopelessly in love. (Loving an Aquarius? Only a Sag could take on that kind of emotional mutilation…) Well, Sag, SMM is happy to announce that you’re going to have a happy ending to your week, however that ending may come. That’s all the reading you get. Sister Mary is going to save her energy for signs with real problems.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Since the moon is in your sector, take some time to get to know your inner Capricorn. We all know heavy-duty meditation, group therapy and intense journaling bore you all to tears. Maybe you should simply cash in your alimony and spend it all at the Turkish baths. Get to know yourself while being rubbed with sea-salt by a muscled dude named Ivan. Soak in hot mud and leave your negative ju-jus for someone else to pick up. You weren’t using them for good, anyway. It looks like you too have excellent prospects for meeting someone awesome this week! Perhaps a Sag? Perhaps a Leo? Seems as though those two signs are looking to mate this week. Yeah, you’ve got a good week coming. Therefore, SMM has no more to say to you.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Maybe you’re the one running into Libra with an extra fifty pounds attached! (Just kidding. No, really. April Fool’s. Get that finger out of your throat.) Aquarius does have some sort of reunion on their doorstep this week. And it’s going to start the beginning of a one-year crazed-fest. Won’t you enjoy it? It could end in marriage, so get out now, commitment-phobe, if that’s not what you’re into. All seriousness aside, the meeting you experience this week will take you on a fabulous journey. Let’s hope Tahiti is included, it’s particularly lovely in the springtime (we hear….up here….on the frigid island of Manhattan…).

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
It wasn’t that SMM was ignoring the fact that Mercury and Venus are in your sign this week, she simply didn’t want to call attention to the fact that you’re still blowing your nose on the sleeve of your coat over something that happened as many as six years ago. Matters of the heart will plague Pisces this week, and it’s all they can do not to drink a bottle of NyQuil and wait for the angels to start singing. Since Mercury also has its feet on your couch, it will be the best possible time for you to verbalize these feelings, which you should do before your insides turn gangrene on you. Tears on the inside will eventually rot away your heart, and eventually, your brain. Booze will take care of your liver.

SMM is very sorry about that joke. Please don’t flog her. Just kidding. Please DO!!!

Welcome to ARIES!!!!

2008-03-24T20:54:00.000-07:00

The last of the icicles are finally dripping off the major overpasses and the backless shirts are beginning to return!!! (There IS a Goddess!!!!) Of course, only if the chick is into the hard nipples of HYPOTHERMIA…(we can still see our breath outside the Convent of Sensual Salvation) but SMM is no nun to judge.

Still pondering our hearts and words (mixing up the Pisces influence) with the innate need to plot death against major world figures (that’s the Scorpio moon), but lead under the Aries moon, we’re getting out of our journals and Anarchistic chat rooms and frolicking in the frigid early spring sun! Just kidding. Aries doesn’t frolic. But we are outside unearthing garbage cans from the last of the winter snows and screaming at our partners to bring out the winter’s trash. Aries is like a bear out of hibernation when their sign first arrives. Time to get out and start doing things. They’ll also be the first ones to hit the bar when the works is done.

It’s the week of March 24-March 30!!!! Follow Aries, kids! It’s the start of the zodiac new year and they know the location of the cool places…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Happy Birthday! Truck it on out to Chuck E. Cheese and get some of your crazed energy out. Don’t expect us to follow you. Noises hurt the rest of us this time of year. Aries, in the coming week you’re going to have to (again) pull the rest of the world along. That’s why you were born first. Don’t try to avoid it. You’re going to have to facilitate conversations between co-workers who have taken “I Hate You” vows of silence. It’s a promising week for our rams, as they feel that they’re finally turning over a new leaf. We know how hard it is for a ram to turn anything over without beating it to a pulp with their horns, first. Congratulations to you, Aries, if nothing was broken.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’ll be conflicted with all the Rosicrucian Conspiracy Theory talk you’re getting in the chat-rooms this week. Doesn’t anyone talk about Flavor of Love, anymore? Are you the only one watching Lost? Taurus, you’re not the only one watching crappy t.v. Call up your other Taurus friends. They’re doing the same thing. The other signs are still stewing in the depths of sinister Scorpio and perturbed Pisces, but you were never really all that into that kind of wear black, smoke cloves, and give yourself premature frown lines. Don’t despair. Take out that frustration on your closet and start weeding out the clothes you bought on a Shopping Therapy spree—that you know you’re never going to wear. Call up your Aries friends. They’re getting over some dumpy moods and will be more fun than your other friends.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Gemini is following the Spring Fling lead and planning a few key parties of their own this season, just to piss off Aries, who wants their birthday pub crawl to go anywhere but near your house (you probably slept with their girl/boyfriend last year and don’t remember.). Gemini, be careful how many key parties you attend in the coming weeks. Ruptures are more likely than reconciliations, and you don’t have enough cash in your pocket to pay for all of the “I’m Sorry” drinks that are likely to result. In fact, the Flying Monkeys are very worried about your financial situation. If you haven’t done your taxes yet (because you have more random sources of income than most people, nutty Twins), be prepared that you likely have to shell out. You may even need to borrow from that Aries you pissed off last month. Might wanna go play nice for a bit.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Okay. This is it. This is reaallllllyyyyyy it. Cancers across the galaxy are going to achieve their dreams, get rich and famous, marry and breed in their dream loft by Friday. Seriously. This is the week Cancers will achieve everything they ever wanted and never have to work for a thing after this weekend. Oh, wait. That’s just what’s left the Mars energy floating around. Seriously, again. Cancers are going through a growth period. We’re so damn sensitive to the environment, and the budding tulip bulbs make us want to sprout petals from our scalps. We’ve worked hard over the past few months and we now can enjoy the fruits and veggies of our labor. Word of caution against pushing where no pushing is due. If no one is buying our stellar memoir yet, maybe it’s just not time. There are no secret publishers cemented in the walls of our neighbor’s apartment, so let’s put down the pickax.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
All kinds of nonsense flying out of the cauldron for you at this time, Leo! Our lions are frustrated by little pieces of “DAMNIT” jumping out of the shadows to eat holes in their pocket books and screw around under the hood of their cars. While you’re pounding the pavement with your fists, make sure it’s really that bad before you start blowing up the cell phone of every caring friend out there. Most of this stuff will go away on its own, without you having to do a damn thing. Understand also that the crap you’re trying to make happen needs more than like, a day to get going. Think more like, “A Year From Now…” Looks also like you’re going to run into someone you haven’t seen in awhile. Let’s hope it’s someone awesome.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Oh, Virgo…take heart in the seemingly never-ending cycle of Saturn Suck. While you still have a while to go, you won’t get bored this week. Introspective, philosophical conversations in every corner of every Starbucks will keep you questioning and dissecting every word around you. Distract yourself with abstract thought. It’s the only way. Remember that you’ve got a mess of burdens of your own. You were doing so well for awhile to get out of the drama pool, but it looks as though you’re being lured back into saving someone else from themselves. Don’t let your own strength, wit and wallet be used against you. Besides, someone is likely to take something you said the VERY wrong way and you’ll be screwed—and you WILL have to suck up to someone again. Looks like there is some money coming. Maybe the Tax Fairy will be nice to you this year!

Libra (September 23-October 22)
A week of ups and downs is coming for our most balanced sign. It’s like a tornado came blowing through your dorm room and mixed up your toothpaste with your roommate’s lube. Oops. Libra, you can’t fix everything. You can’t balance it just as soon as you want to. You’ve got to let the world take a few minutes to sort it out for you. Come mid week you’ll forget about the blues of Monday and Tuesday, but the weekend might prove tough yet again. Keep your favorite episodes of Sponge Bob in your IPod and plug in whenever you need to disappear from the crappy world of Being A Grownup. No one will resent you for it.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You must be loving this time, Scorpio friend! The moon is hanging out on your front porch, so you’re continuing on your plan of taking over your company, turning it into a medium sized militia organization and getting the state in which you reside to secede form the Union and eventually take over the WORLD???? (Doesn’t it seem like Sister Mary always gives you the same reading? But isn’t it always true?) Understand that just because not everyone is going to be in on this plan with you, doesn’t mean you have a right to plot their death. You too are going to have a glorious reunion later in the week. Probably with the Leo whose heart you broke last fall. Don’t do it again, we’ll hate you for it. Oh, and it’s really time to quit the tobacco, gambling or paint sniffing habit you re-aquired.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Good week for you, Mr./Ms. Archer! Some kind of growth or movement is coming your way. Perhaps a promotion? Perhaps a new place to live? Perhaps you figured out the rolling orgasm? Congrats! Now, once you’ve gained this stride, it’s your Universal duty to become a leader and share the wealth and knowledge. Pay back the cash you owe others, take out your weeping Taurus friends and pretend to listen to their woes. Make it up to people who looked out for you when you were confused and listless in the late fall. It’s also time to forgive the co-worker for stealing your travel mug two years ago. No, they shouldn’t have stolen it, but if enough time has gone by, you can rest assured that the Karma Fairy has already taken a big dump on their front porch. Celebrate! And call that Taurus.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Quit, fire or dump. First clues that this week is going to be a hefty one for our Goat Fiends. I mean, Friends. If you’re involved with a Capricorn, there’s a pretty good chance you’ll find your Wii packed up. Wait. Not your Wii. Your old bean bag chair and the dog-eared porn they asked you to get rid of like, six years ago. (They’re keeping the Wii.). Capricorn, whatever major move you’re making this week is going to cost you, so you might not get that trip to the salon. It may have to be Supercuts again, but you’ll survive. Change, liberation, and freedom. Sounds like a fabulous band, and you’re the lead singer. Cut a record, but understand that most musicians starve initially. Most do, always.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
The Convent keeps telling Sister Mary not to even bother writing for Aquarius this week. Or any week until they come back from Neptune. But SMM has faith that some Aquarius, somewhere, is happily reading this horrorscope. Wow!!! You’re broke, too!!! Call up Sag. They have the money this week and Sister Mary just told them to be generous. Despite your money troubles, Aquarius, you’re doing something pretty awesome with yourself—taking advantage of the self-reflective qualities of Pisces and Scorpio which aren’t especially natural to you, but will have done some quite nice things for your character. Careful you don’t feel so generous you spend all your time with a needy Leo or Taurus on the phone. They’re going to be one for the couch this week, and might zap you dry.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Pisces, with Mercury getting everyone to chat up your language, and Venus pointing the romance ray-gun straight at your heart (and groin…) Sister Mary wants to know why you’re still sitting on your butt picking skin off the bottoms of your feet. Sitting around and stewing in your own thought juices are attracting the Disruption Gremlins energy that’s heading your way and on the menu for Wednesday. Somehow, the vacuum of your brain is causing the major leak in your kitchen ceiling. Get up, get out, shake up, shake out, do something with your hair. Time to get the energy moving back in your life, or else the Great Bastard Above will do it for you. You know how that always turns out. Why let it happen again?

Turning in now, kittens!!! Sister Mary has a long day of mead-brewing in the mornin’!

Not on strike.

2008-03-23T20:08:00.001-07:00

They'll be up tomorrow night!!!

xoxo
SMM

Sister Mary Has Returned!!!!

2008-03-16T21:43:00.000-07:00

Okay, boys and girls. So we didn’t quite reach our goal of $500 to fund Sister Mary’s tarot project. It’s not too late! You can still donate in the upper right corner!

Remember how scattered and unfocused your last two weeks were when you didn’t have Sister Mary to remind you of how shitty it could be. The next time she asks for cash, make sure you bring your wallet—not just your habit!!! HAHAHAHA!!! Hoo-boy. Wrong context on a joke that wasn’t all that funny in the first place…

Over the next few days, you’ll notice everyone around you is nodding into their IPods and journals and pondering their place in the Universe. Don’t let it annoy you too much. You probably won’t notice as you’ll be doing the self-work as well. Sun, Mercury and Venus in self-over-aware Pisces with a Moon in ego-centered Leo means our thoughts and actions are all about US US US. Even more than usual! Oh, well. So be it. We’ll come out better for it once the weather is nicer. Sister Mary isn’t even sure why she’s typing this, as you’ve surely just skipped it to go read about YOU YOU YOU.

It’s the week of March 16-22!!!! Drink it up and wear some green.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Cool! You’ve embraced the Cancer in Mars energy and finally did the dishes growing a mold and roach colony in your house. All seriousness aside, the work you’ve done on your home-centered matters is coming along, nicely. So why did it all break down at the last minute? You’re reorganizing dish towels and it’s not getting any better, is it? The roaches are still coming back. Maybe if you broke that habit of leaving your cereal bowls on the coffee table when you head out the door for work, that might help. Basically, Sister Mary is telling you that there is still some nasty glue-huffing habit you simply refuse to quit and your bleeding nostrils make you less attractive to be around. Also, be nice to your co-workers. They’re feeling sensitive.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Oh, baby bull. Something crappy happened in Taurus land and has left the sweetest of our Earth signs sobbing quietly in the staff restroom. Taurus hates goodbyes. Every knowing has its eventual unknowing. Basically, every goldfish you come across, Taurus, will eventually end up in the Great Toilet Bowl in the Sky. With the aquarium of your life suddenly dismally empty, it’s time to take advantage of this Overtly Piscean week and focus on you. Feed your inner bull some spiritual free-range grass. Light some candles and do something you would otherwise consider better for your Cancerian roommate. They might even lend you some lavender oil. Did you know that’s a great plant for Taurus? Sister Mary thinks so, anyway. But she may have you confused with Gemini.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Hmmm…maybe you’re the one who blew out of Taurus’s life this week. Bad Gemini. Be kinder to your sensitive Earth Signs. Gemini, if you haven’t been fired or dumped recently, be very careful as it looks like you’re more likely than ever to deal with such inconveniences. Shopping for a new sub/dome/switch is tricky this far into spring. Besides, with Venus in Pisces, your romantic couplings are more likely to be chaotic debacles, and not in a cutesy way. Do your best to stay out of your boss’s way for a bit. You only have to hide out for a few days because come Thursday, something really awesome will happen. Sister Mary doesn’t know whether it will be a raise, an orgy, or the eviction of the family in the apartment above you—the fam with the six tap-dancing children. Eat it up. You’re the lucky one.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Ah, it’s still all work-work-work. More trips to IKEA, more coats of paint, more crap to dump on the curb. With Mars still burning up the Cancerian house, we’ve got this overabundant need to complete every task ever presented to us and it’s annoying to the Pisces-influenced people around us, who just want to chill with a Corona and watch Lost. We’re just not in THAT PLACE right now and they’re just going to have to DEAL WITH IT. While our homes and wardrobes are looking right spiffy, where we should be putting our Mars energy should be deleting the MySpace profiles of the assholes we dumped last year. Somehow, it’s always the letting go that’s the hardest for the Crab. Sigh.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leo has to make a decision this week, and it’s one that will eventually make the world a better place. Out with it, Leo. Speak up about that taxing matter. Someone, somewhere, craves your chivalry and it’s time to pull an Aslan on some shitty White Witch Ass. (Such cruel use of the word…) You’ll be happy for doing right and will probably get a statue of you in a town square, somewhere. Now, since the moon is in your sector, it’s also a good time for you to preen your inner kitten. Your gallivanting and saving the world has been kind of taxing on you as well, and it’s time to go get some rest. Ask Taurus to lend you the lavender oil when they’re through with it.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Yeah, you’re feeling the Pisces pull, too. Not normally known for self-reflection (who has TIME for that airy-fairy CRAP!!! says Virgo), even our precocious Virgins are spilling their guts into LiveJournals this week. Good! Certain things have to be worked through!!! That’s what’s good about dealing with Saturn is that it takes all of your money, so you’re forced to have to deal with your nasty-ass demons. There’s nothing else to do, when you’re finally tired of diddling with yourself. Secret forces of the Universe not so secretly want to maneuver you like a little chess piece. Sister Mary can’t explain it, but the Great Bastard Up Above is getting some helpful action out of your complication life and plans to reward you. Eventually. Meanwhile, continue to let go of old b.s. and embrace a brighter future—sans Saturn.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Hmm…..money. Are you making more money? Did you get a raise and not donate to the Sister Mary fund? You bastard. If you didn’t, you need to stop reading this because it isn’t fair. Libras across the galaxy are starting cool new lives in the coming weeks, in the Moving On Up To A Deluxe Apartment kind of way. They’re also going to run into someone from their past. Let’s hope it’s not anyone to whom they owe money. (Do you see a theme here, Luscious Libra?) Let’s hope it’s someone sexy. Is it the same person you ran into a few weeks ago, before SMM went on strike? If so, maybe they’re not just a thing of the past anymore.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Eh. You’re used to self-obsession. The planetary influences this week will feel happily natural. You’ll probably dip back into your favorite pool of depression in the first few days of the week. That’s okay. A journey to the dark part of your inner cesspool will bring back plenty of material for your latest lulu.com creation. Keep with the self-work. Whatever crazy inspiration you manage to draw from it will eventually pay off. Maybe the studio will finally get back to you and make a movie about your life. And that means you’ll make money! And THAT means you can finally donate to Sister Mary’s cause!!! Eventually. Meanwhile, you need to keep meditating. The donation you can go ahead and do.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Now, you are WHOLEHEARTEDLY resisting AstrologyExplained’s EMBRACE THE STUPID SELF campaign. Not that Sister Mary came up with it. The Universe sent it this way and made Sister Mary give it to you, dirty and straight up. Sag, you need to let it go. Sag, you need to go within. Sag, you need to open up your black little heart about those super annoying things called “feelings.” If you don’t do it, you’ll gain fifty pounds and develop backne. (The last part is a threat, not a promise.) You’ve got an opportunity to make things right with the people you’re crazy about, and you better not miss it. Your therapist will strangle you. And she’ll go to jail. And you’ll need a new therapist. Too much to do, so little time to take over the world…

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Maybe you’re the one struggling with a Sagittarius. They’re not so good at expressing themselves. Even if it’s not a Sag, you took something the wrong way. Again. Oh, Capricorn. You simply must learn to not take it so hard. Most people have not a clue as to what a giant asshole they are, the majority of the time. Go within and let your innerchild throw a tantrum or two. Sister Mary isn’t going to stop until she has every sign meditating on themselves and learning something about it. Be careful with the lover’s lament crap. You may be enjoying your suffering more than you’d like to admit. Ah, hell. If you truly enjoy suffering, you might as well continue.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
You look like you’re separating from a number of folks. Maybe it’s you who had the problem with the Capricorn. You, definitely need to nail your butt to a yoga mat and do some charka aligning. You’ve gotten so out of touch with yourself recently that your own mom asks you to repeat your name a few times. Another note about miscommunication. Your girlfriend/boyfriend won’t stop crying? I guarantee it’s something you said. And forgot you said. Try to remember what it was, or at least pretend you’re sorry. Pretend hard. Ruptures are likely for you right now, Aquarius. And they won’t be any that you like.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
It’s a good time for you. A rare occasion in the zodiac when everyone around you is on your same introspective page. First of all, the phone is quiet, so no one is bothering you. Second, you’re not insane. It’s official. All of your friends are crazier than you. But you didn’t hear that from Sister Mary and you DEFINITELY ought not to repeat it. Miscommunication is a problem this week with Mercury in your sector. Speaking in riddles and rhymes that go over the heads of the people you really do like, deep down. However, it’s also a good time for nuts like you. You’ll get closer to some folk who are helpful to you, and further away from folk who treat you like crap. It’s about time.

Sister Mary missed you!!! She’s so glad to have you back!!!

On our way...

2008-03-09T07:27:00.000-07:00

Hooray!!!

Sister Mary is pleased to announce that AstrologyExplained readers have donated a total of $105 to the Sister Mary Designs a Tarot Deck project! However, this means we have $395 to go...

Open your hearts and wallets and leave a buck for Sister Mary on the PayPal link in the upper right corner!

If everyone cooperates, your horrorscopes will return very, very soon!

xoxo
SMM

On Strike.

2008-03-02T07:21:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, as you may recall, Sister Mary is attempting to raise $500 for her tarot project. She is asking each reader to donate $1 to the cause.

So far, readers have donated $22.

Therefore, Sister Mary is on strike until these numbers improve.

She hates to be this way, but you hate to be without your horrorscope!!!

Donate $1 on the little button in the upper right corner and the horrorscopes will return!!!

Thanks, everyone! Sister Mary does love you and this does indeed, hurt her more than it hurts you.

DON'T FORGET TO DONATE

2008-02-24T05:10:00.000-08:00

Thank you to those of you who dropped a few bucks on that cute little DONATE button in the UPPER RIGHT CORNER. It’s still there, waiting for you! Sister Mary is asking for one measly dollar from each of you to fund the construction of a tarot deck. The goal is raise $500! At last count, we weren’t anywhere near that. So pull out your credit cards and leave one little dollar (or more if you can swing it) to support the nun who brings you everything you never wanted to know all about you…every friggin’ week!!!

Welcome to PISCES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ah, it’s that time of year when we start to get restless in the last few throngs of winter, but Pisces law indicates that what’s on the couch stays on the couch. None shall change until the pretty girls hit the streets in their bikini tops—or when the cops are coming up the stairs. Yes, we’ve got cabin fever, but the Pisces influence will keep us comfortably uncomfortable until the last of the snow melts. (Let’s be honest, though. Global warming brought us plenty of warm, sunny days—we can’t complain too, too much.)

Read on for more stellar Planetary Movements!!!

It’s the week of February 24-March 1!!!! Time to pay the rent again…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Game over, restart, back to the first place. OR—cross the threshold, unpack the bag, fumigate for roaches and settle in with a pizza and friends. However you want to do it, Aries is starting over this week. A detoxifying cleanse, a new relationship with someone who doesn’t remotely resemble the douche you just dumped, you finally quit sniffing paint—cool! Aries resists change until the last frigging second, but is quite good to let the past be (sort of) the past and ram their horns into a delicious future. Aries, you’re going to overhear something in the company bathroom that will work in your favor. Believe it or not, it won’t make you want to kill anyone. This is a growing time for you, and it looks like the growing could include cash. Don’t spend it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Something kind of blew up at you last week, didn’t it? Sensitive little earth sign, something went and snarled at you for no proper cause. If this means a certain bitch or pussycat won’t be making its rounds near your place anymore, so mote it fucking be. You were doing fine without all the scratches and bites. If you think this is a situation where things can be worked out, limit yourself to leaving less than seven voicemails a day. Whoever is irked in your realm at the moment needs a little more space before they’re going to want to play with you again. Oh, stop wringing your hooves. It’s all going to work out fine and you’ll be onto new drama before you know it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Have you slept at all during the past few weeks? Probably not. Mars has paved a major freeway in the National Forest of your life and while it’s good for commerce, alleviates traffic, blah blah blah, your inner Spotted Owls are weeping, viciously. In plain terms, Gemini, this means you ought to go easy on yourself. Good things are happening for you, but how are you going to get to enjoy them if you double-tail spin into a nervous breakdown? The good thing about Mars, highway or no, is that it gets us started on new things that enhance our creativity, organize our homes and may even (GASP!!!) make us some money! It’s another time of new beginnings for you. Partner up with an Aries (if they’re still speaking to you), as they’re entering Blank Canvas time as well.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Ooh, boy. Just when we thought we’d shed ourselves of our favorite mistakes, they show up again in all new colors, flavors and textures!!!! Weee!!! So much new material to bring to group therapy on Thursday. Cancer brethren, we should be praised for having moved on from every trauma that assaulted us (imagined or no) in the latter part of 2007. 2007 was a bad, crappy, no-good, horrendous year for most Cancers. Even those who had awesome things happen ran into a couple of bad nasties as well. The bad news is that the Great Bastard in the Sky is planning on testing us on our ability to release—by bringing back the situation we tried so desperately to leave behind. And it will leaving us crying into our pinot glasses. Hopefully, not for long. Call SMM if you need sympathy. She’ll be doing it, too.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Well, Leo, you’ve turned over a new leaf, you’ve got a fresh new outlook and a dynamite new hairdo—now let’s see if any of this lasts while you weather the winds of the assholes who descend come Tuesday. Leo, this is your test to see if you can handle daily b.s. on your own. Your friends and family won’t be extremely sympathetic this time, as you used up all your Cry and Snot on the Shoulder points in last week’s meltdown. But you’re strong enough to handle this. You know you are, deep down. Anyway, you don’t really have a choice, but the good news is that real drama will enter the scene by Thursday, and make you forget all about Tuesday’s woes. You’re better at handling real drama than imagined, anyway.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Hmm….interesting. Looks as though the Universe is giving Virgo a teensy-weensy break from their time in Saturn: Planet of Suck. The Mercury and Venus in Aquarius hasn’t been all that friendly to Virgos. Mercury, planet of chit-chat and Venus, planet of Stupid Cupid, are both in the flighty, distracted, undefined sector of Aquarius which will INFURIATE the pragmatic, “EXPLAIN WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS” sign of Virgo. Oy. And, the good news is that the first part of your week will be so calm, you might even get depressed that you have nothing to flex your jaw about. It’s only going to get better. When stormy waters start circling your virginal (HA!) vessel, you’ll actually pull away from the drama this time and not freak out about it! See? These are the kinds of tools Saturn of Suck leaves us—after it shatters our minds, hearts and pocket books.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libra, buy more candles, incense and pretty-perfumey bath salts. It’s time for more self reflection. Libras have seen more Me Time in 2008 than in any of the last five years, or more. Generally signs that shrug off b.s. and avoid toxic people, they rarely find a need to sit down and commune within. But this moon in Libra, falling under the highly self-reflective sign of Pisces will find you deep in meditation. Stay in the bedroom or living room, avoid the woods because you’ll find more hypothermia than enlightenment. Avoid people this week, that’s your SMM advice. Many are running through cyclones and won’t be very sensitive, or fun.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
So, what kind of chaos magick were you up to—going and appearing in people’s dreams? What, you weren’t getting enough attention with sexy Pisces on the scene? Get over it, Scorpio. You’re not the only creature in the Universe that attracts the attention of genitals. Something has seriously crawled up your stinger this week, and of course, Scorpio, you’re not letting it go and you’re out plotting revenge. Remember the burns marks you’re still suffering from the last time you went after your ex’s new lover. Not to mention the restraining order and time in the pen. Repeating mistakes only leads to new trips to the Emergency Room and the staff is starting to recognize you. Give this thought some time, and you’ll be able to plot revenge in a new way even the Federal Psychic Division won’t be able to trace.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Wow. All kinds of things popped out of the cauldron this week, Sag. Some sort of major breakthrough, some sort of wholeness and completion, some sort of stagnant growth, and some sort of depression. That’s a lot for a cute little archer like you! Sag, you’re starting out the week quite strong. Your brilliant new idea looks like it could be a reality. A sense of security will overwhelm you like pretty little hallucinated butterflies. But some evil bastard is going to pop out of the woodwork around Wednesday or so and shoot all of those little butterflies in the head. Go back and figure out why you needed to have your plan come into being so badly. Was it a malaria vaccine you plan to donate to Doctors Without Borders and save hundreds of thousands of lives? Or a phony malaria vaccine you plan to sell to the Bush Administration, so they can inject it into pubescent teens in Michigan in the name of freedom from terrorist mosquitoes—in February? Does this phony vaccine contain massive quantities of valium? Whose side are you on anyway, Sag? That’s your eternal question for the week.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Great changes have taken place in the Universe and Capricorn, you’re the one who is going to make them happen. Jupiter, Planet of “Just Fucking Do It” and Pluto, Planet of “Fix it After We Just Fucking Do It” both landed in your sector within the last two months and plan on hanging out here for the next decade plus a few. Considering the debacle of the this country’s leadership, you’ll be taking the reigns not only in government, but at home as well. You’ve been watching your compatriots break things in the name of improving them and shatter things in the name of saving them and now it’s your time to get in there and say, “STOP IT, YOU STUPID MORONS!!!” Then, it will be time to clean up the mess. Good luck with it. Keep your flask handy and don’t say Sister Mary didn’t warn (and love!) you.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
You should be happy and sitting pretty. Mercury and Venus are still chilling in your oh-so-cool sector. They’re both confusing the hell out of all of us. Our lovers are shouting our bizarre things in the sack and we can’t keep track of them once they go back to their spouses—cell phones keep getting dropped in the toilets and Facebook comments keep popping up in obscene places. But for Aquarius, that’s simply another day in the life! This week is going to start off slow and sluggish—something as simple as a hangover or something as serious as a hangover. But you’ll feel better by Tuesday and will continue to enjoy this blessed time when everything people say to you makes sense for a bit. That will change shortly, but will bring important information before it goes away.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Pisces, really. It’s time to let go. Whatever rotten old habit or relationship you’re clinging to, the Universe is telling you that it’s very much time for you to get going. Hanging on might seem good for you, but is it benefiting the moldy stuffed monkey you still keep under your pillow? Wouldn’t it help the world if you let it go back to the great toy box in the sky? Of course not, you’re Pisces and contrary to popular belief, you’re worse than your Crabby friends at letting shit go. Frankly, Sister Mary warns, if you don’t let the old stuffed monkey go, your mom will fly up from Baltimore and dispose of it for you. She’s convinced the monkey is the reason she doesn’t have grandchildren.

Don’t forget to DONATE!!!! SISTER MARY IS COUNTING ON YOU!!!

Aquarius...and an Urgent Request!!!

2008-02-17T18:56:00.000-08:00

Very important. Your cooperation is essential.

Sister Mary Manhattan is not contacting you on behalf of the Flying Monkeys. (Although they’re looking quite lean.)

She is not contacting you for Guinness funds.

She is not contacting you for Sister Mary Brooklyn’s rehab, Sister Mary Astoria’s visa or Sister Mary Bronx’s bail.

Sister Mary Manhattan is designing a tarot deck.

Yup! You read it. You heard it.

IMAGINE!!! SMM WIZDUMB WHENEVER YOU NEED IT, WHEREVER YOU NEED IT—IN YOUR OWN HOME!!!

This could be a reality, but a Tarot deck takes a team to create—and this team needs money!

If you enjoy AstrologyExplained (and secret sources tell Sister Mary that many, many do) make a donation on the cute little DONATE button, upper right corner.

The goal is to raise 500 bucks to pay for artists, photographers, film, materials and beer for models.

While SMM is asking everyone to give what they can, even $1 helps. If all you critters dropped $1 on the site, SMM won’t have to nag you about this next week.

First person to donate $50 or more gets a personal ass-trology chart PLUS a Tarot consultation!!!

Sister Mary knows how broke you are—but you can find it in your wallet to leave $1.

Drop a dollar— on that cute little DONATE button in the upper right corner or face week after week of begging until each of you contribute. Sister Mary will not stop until $500 is reached.

Now, onto your favorite Air Sign!!!

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 19)

Yes, we’re nearing the end of this year’s Age of Aquarius—but that’s typical, right? Airy Aquarius showing up when it makes sense to them to do so, not when the rest of the world is counting on it? While the “Hey, man, chill…” attitude would make you want to choke anyone else who says it, Aquarians get away with it. They’re so damn likable, loving and enviable!

Aquarius is your friend that may or may not show up, but when they do walk in the door, you’re instantly at ease, and equally frustrated. How is it that they’re so easy-going? It’s a great mystery of the Universe, friends and lovers. Your Aquarius is the couch-hopping guitar player guy you tried not to fall for, and tried to hide from your mom because you knew she’d disapprove of the choice. Of course, she fell for him too, when he serenaded her at your family reunion—which he crashed. Your Aquarius is the girl who promised you life-long partnership, but never agreed to wear the ring, who shrugged and said sure when you showed up at her door in the middle of the night and asked her to run away to Mexico with you. She probably did the same thing once before with a different guy. Aquarians are passionate, but not clingy. Honest, but sometimes you wish they’d figure out the white lie trigger. They are loving and devoted friends and partners, but not doting nurturers.

Aquarius makes a better free-lancer than an office drone. They need lots of flexibility to get things done on their own time, but if you hire an Aquarius to do your proofreading, roofing or dogwalking, you’ll be highly satisfied with the results. They work hard and quickly, but won’t be tied to a schedule. They’re likely to make their money in a variety of ways, as doing one thing at any point in their lives comes out terribly boring in their mind. Most of them are attracted to the arts, but probably received surprisingly high grades in math and science back in the school days. Their minds are capable of mastering many things, even if they don’t always show fiery interest in anything in particular.

If you’re dating an Aquarius, you can expect a harmonious partnership. They don’t seek out drama and don’t need it to “feel the passion.” They can have the hardest time finding mates of any sign, but that seems to bother them less than it would a different sign. They’re often too distant for the average water sign, too passive for the average fire sign, too impractical for the average earth sign and often naturally drift away from their fellow air brethren. If you do find yourself involved with one of these critters, be sure let them have as long a leash as they need. Many (but not all) are polyamorous, so keep that in mind. Most are quite flirty and naturally attract other flirts. However, they will be respectful of your wishes and will either accommodate or leave, rather than lie or betray.

If you’re friends with an Aquarius, you may go a decade without hearing a squeak out of them, only to have them turn up in your inbox and keep chatting away as though they just saw you yesterday. They’re fun and lively and will have the best plans in mind to take your worries off your navel. They know the best bars. They’re involved in the best underground scenes. They’ll kidnap you for your own good and take you to the beach in the middle of the night and back without even needing the Trucker Meds.

Don’t hold it against them that they’re flighty. Darker Aquarians can come off as isolated and cold, selfish and uncaring. Those are very few and very far between. They can be competitive to the point of damaging and some have difficulty accepting responsibility when they fuck up. Again, if you come across an Aquarius exhibiting these traits, don’t get pissy and hate the whole specimen. Sister Mary would be happy to remind you that you have your own set of nasties. Go look and see what she wrote about your sign.

Meanwhile, a GINORMOUS (and belated) HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Sarabella, Shay, A.B. Levy, Bartender Eric, Texas Dan and Nicole! You are loved more than you possibly know!!!

Welcome to the week of February 17-23!!!! Someday, Sister Mary will return your stupid phone calls…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries, the moon is in Cancer right now which means a lot of people are going to jump up and down on your last nerve. Most of the Universe is going to be navel-gazing and making a lot of stews before going to bed without cleaning up the kitchen. This too shall pass. Calm the fuck down. Plus, Aquarius is still hanging around, so we’re going to be even more distracted, which will make things worse for you at the office. There’s a warning here about miscommunication, so watch who you lecture—you might end up sleeping in the garage if you piss off the wrong spouse. Don’t worry. Pisces is moving in next week to confuse you in new ways.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The Cancer moon will work in your favor, Taurus, as people are finally attending to your emotional needs, which has been sorely lacking during the time of detached Aquarius. You’ve had a crazy couple of weeks. Money crisis (which gives you unreasonable hives). A master plan to resolve money crisis (only to discover the sperm bank is full—you weren’t the first to have that plan). But turning to that same brick wall (symbolic, darling, and you know of what Sister Mary speaks) to black yourself out for coveted numbness is going to give you yet another concussion, and your insurance company swore the last one was just that: the last one. Time for new tactics and new crutches. Don’t pretend you don’t know what Sister Mary is talking about. You’re a smart little mammal.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’ve still got Mars in your corner, so Sister Mary recommends getting your taxes done this week before it goes away and leaves you chasing that cute fanny of yours, again. Unfortunately, it looks as though you’ve gone and embraced that screwy Mr./Ms. Hyde part of you again. For whatever overblown best-reserved-for-reality-t.v. drama you’ve managed to slip into, you need to quit pretending it’s not your fault. It might not be all your fault (surely there’s a Sag somewhere to blame…) but you probably helped bury the bodies. When the zombies come out, you ought to get in and help save the village. Oh, please. Like you’re paying any attention. Just go do your taxes. Sister Mary sees a refund coming your way.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Crap. Cancer Moon done gone caught Sister Mary listening to Tori Amos again, while she contemplates her fellow crabby brethren. Quick question—what happened to our money this week? Did we spend it all on bootleg DVDs and fresh winter squashes to better hide in our cocoons and pretend the world is far away? This is a very bad idea, as it will only pile back on all the Christmas weight we managed to shed during our January Master Cleanses. Time for us to quit reflecting on the screw-ups of ‘07, ‘06, ‘05, and ’04 and embrace ’08 with open claws. We have potential for awesome new friends and lovers to come sweeping in with grace and flattery and we want to be looking good and be the fun crustaceans we know, deep down, we truly are.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Now, Leo, everyone in your home, workplace and blogging community is aware that you’ve gotten over the bodega clerk and have set your eyes on the new bartender at your local beer hole. It’s very, very important that you keep calm. You have a good chance at getting laid with this one. If you’re feeling insecure, better to stay home a night. If you’re feeling confident, better to avoid flashing your titties at the desired person. Of course you’re gorgeous, but you’d do better if you let this person approach you this time. Sister Mary will repeat herself, slower this time. You. Have. A. Chance. At. Nailing. This. Person. Control thyself and you’ll have more success.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Sister Mary isn’t going to mention Saturn this week. Except she just did. Damn. Well, you knew it was coming, right? We just won’t dwell on it. It’s been a rough couple of weeks, Virgo. No one is undermining that. Especially this past week, things got even yuckier, just when you thought they couldn’t be anymore so. The good news is that your tolerance for pain is increasing. That may sound morbid (it kind of is…) but you’ll have a better time weathering the suck this week. When you get frustrated, and you’re bound to get frustrated, practicing taking time away from everyone who annoys you. You have every right to avoid the bastards, sometimes.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Wow. You’re still rocking this Aquarius time, aren’t you? Somehow, somewhere, Libras figured out the trick to going with the flow. Your work-on-self week (two weeks ago, if you recall) has paid off in immense ways and you’re going to approach this week with the force of Joan of Arc and St. Brigid. (Look it up, if you’re missing something here.) However, crazy people will insist on bringing your easy time to a halt. Stupid crazy people. Do not embrace the crazy. SMM repeats. DO NOT EMBRACE THE CRAZY. You are unable to save anyone from themselves. Save yourself and the rest will follow.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Ah, you Cassanova of the 69th degree. You won over every bitch and bastard your heart and genitals desired on the eve of Lupercalia. (St. Valentine’s Day, for the non-heathen brethren.) Now, they’ve all discovered how truly psycho you are and you’re left alone and sexless. Don’t get too down. Random chaotic events of the Universe are on their way to make things even more complicated and distract you from the woes of the heart. Sister Mary will leave it at that because she loves leaving you in suspense.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Your inner archer kicked some ass on the Valentine’s Day playing field. It looks more likely that Sag let go of someone obnoxious than embraced someone obnoxious. Or maybe they finally kicked an obnoxious habit that was annoying the crap out of someone they actually like a lot. Either way, Sag is entering this week feeling whole and fabulous. Find some Libras to kick it with, as they’re the only ones sharing the feeling. By the end of the week, Sag is going to come to terms with something or someone else they need to part with. The old beanbag chair of your Dad’s? The one that smells like cat? Yeah. Sister Mary is talking about that.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Still dealing with Venus in your sign, huh? Such a tricky planet. For the vast majority of Capricorns (and Sister Mary desperately hopes this doesn’t include you), Valentine’s Day kind of sucked. Capricorn has pissed and moaned about the collapse of Thursday’s expectations to the point that almost all of their LiveJournal buddies and ceased commentation. Capricorn, you’re really going to need to let that go. Sister Mary empathizes, but not really. She’s a Cancer and Cancers have had a rough go in matters of the heart—so go find a nice nun. Sister Mary wants you to get over it, buy a new outfit and hit the dancefloor no later than Wednesday. Dance your cares away. Worry’s for another day. Let the Fraggles play. (Remember? Remember???)

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
And, a final Happy Birthday to you gorgeous little bugger!!! The Universe is presenting you with one more gift for Birthday ’08 by sticking Mercury in your sign for the next few days. Wait. It’s in Retrograde. So, if that new I-Pod doesn’t work (as we may recall, Mercury in Retrograde ass-rams everything electronic), it’s not that Mom and Dad were cheap. The Gods are just bastards and always will be. At least people are trying to speak your language. They don’t know exactly what they’re saying to you, but they’re making something of an effort. Might want to avoid people this week. They’re not going to do anything but take what you say the wrong way.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Standing on the sidelines, watching all the knuckleheads fall on their own switchblades—Pisces, at some point you’re going to need to step in and remove the sharp objects from the (SYMBOLIC) sandbox. Yes, we know it always seems to fall on you to do just that, but the Universal order of Jobs of the Zodiac won’t be changing this week. Shake it up and get over it. You’ll be happier when everyone else is functioning normally and all the chaos is sufficiently put back together.

Got my mojo workin', but it just won't work on you!!!

2008-02-12T03:57:00.000-08:00

Oh, blessed sinners!!! So much love in the air, where doth it all begin???

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries don’t fall in love often, but when they do—it’s going to happen fast and it’s not going to fade easily. Although their relationships tend to be faster and more furious than the other signs, and often fall tremendously apart, they don’t lose the feeling. If an Aries has loved you at one time, it's can pretty much guarantee that they still so--but disguise it by throwing flaming darts at your photo. Dating an Aries? Take them dancing. Get them hot and ready on the floor, and then get their asses off that floor and into the cab. They’ll start the party there, and it’s only going to get better. A hot date with an Aries will start out public, but get real private, real fast—and last until 3:00 p.m. the next day. If you’ve pleased them, they’ll probably cook pasta for you at 4:00 a.m. in their underwear, just before they take you one last time on the kitchen floor. Aries--love is blossoming for you right now, but at that ungoddessly slow pace that makes you want to kill the object of your affections. Be patient with the person you're after. They might be a virgin or they might just be shy. Don't blow up yet and scare them off.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
These feisty little beasts are far more romantic than the typical horrorscope book would indicate. They tend to fuse into relationships, while still maintaining their own sense of identity. This fusion is caused by an extreme loyalty and dedication inherent in Taurus kids—and a determination to make everything work, even long after the relationship should have been declared D. O. A. Basically, if you’re poly, don’t date Taurus. They will HATE you. Some of you crazier fire signs would be good to remember that solid-seeming Taurus can get a little insecure, so make sure you remind them that they’re pretty damn fabulous at regular intervals. If you’re taking one on a date, they’re likely to tell you that they “don’t really need a present,” and “let’s keep it simple.” Buy them a present. Keep it quiet, intimate, but spend money on them. They will notice and they will appreciate it. Taurus, if you're experiencing giant icebergs at the bars or frozen screens on EHarmony, it's not your fault. The Universe is simply fucking with you. Crappy to tell you this, but it may not be the best time to go sniffing out Mr. or Ms. Right. You've probably got a Karmic baglog of things that need to be done before love can come in, so get it over with so Sister Mary can bring you a better love reading next time.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Tried and true Gemini rule: The Bitches Ain’t Boring. You have got to keep surprising these people, don’t ever get into a rut with them. They’re going to keep surprising you, too—new interests, new friends, new massive road trips in stolen blue school buses. They don’t do well with insecurity, so (Cancers and Leos...) keep it in check. Gemini likes independence in themselves and their lovers and don’t plan on having to coddle. Protect, yes. Deep nurture—not so much. Taking out a Gemini for your Valentine’s Day? Go out, go out, go out. Or throw a big party. Get as many people around for them to talk to as possible. Even if it is the date-day of the year, bring home a couple of your friends and let them crash in the bed with the two of you. Sex or no, Gemini will be so happy that the party kept going even into sleepy time. In the morning, you can have a Mad-Hatter Tea Party with all the friends you brought home. Do a little—not too much—swooning infront of everyone. Gemini will like the attention, but don’t cling or smother them. They’re going to want to talk to everyone. Gemini, pay attention to the sweet little librarian nursing a scotch in the corner. Someone shy and awesome has got their eye on you, but you're too busy chasing the Aquarius with the fine rack. The quiet person may have something to teach you--and may surprise you with a Mr./Ms. Hyde owning a homemade set of dungeon equipment. Basically, someone likes you and isn't making it known. Find out for yourself.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You haven’t dated a Cancer? What the hell is wrong with you? We’re the best. Yes, we’re clingy, insecure, over-bearing, smothering, blah, blah, blah…every sign has its problems--but not every sign can cook. When you’re loved by a Cancer, you know it. We’re gonna take care of you better than everyone else because we’re quietly paying attention to your wants, and giving you what you need just when you need it—before you even realize that’s what you’re wanting. We take a lot of shit, but when we’re done. We’re done. And we’re not going to give you a lot of warning. “FUCK you, it’s over. So mote it be.” And if we say that, don’t waste your time and don’t piss us off by thinking you’ve got another chance. If you’re dating a Cancer, don’t take us anywhere if you really want it to be special. Cook for us. Massage our feet in front of the radiator. Throw your cell phone out the window if it rings. Denotes chivalry. Now, fellow Cancers: Most of us are feeling a bit of a lull during this time of chocolate and tin foil hearts. Time to retreat to the bedroom for some tear-stained poetry and Anne Rice. It's okay, crabby babies. Our time will thaw and we'll get to heal all those nuts currently damaging themselves on the battlefield of love. That means lots of rebound sex!!! Yay!!!!

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leos like to love. They like to cuddle. They like to say, “Baby, it’s going to be okay,” whether it’s true or not. They remember things about you, but they don’t necessarily like to have you do all those same things for them. They annoy the hell out of us sometimes, because you can’t coddle them—or if you do, you have to sneak up on them in one of their weak, insecure moments and pretend you’re just clipping their toenails, while you’re actually wiping their tears. They pretend to be all big and bad, but they don’t fool anyone. Don’t know why you Kitty-Cats try so hard. If you’re dating a Leo man, let him plan the evening. It could be one of those situations where you have to trick him into thinking it was all his idea. As for Leo women, you’re going to have to pretend the plans were already made and can’t be changed, otherwise she’s going to find a way to maneuver things the way she thinks they should be. And then she won’t be as happy with it. Buy them things, even though they’ll wrinkle their noses--preferring to be providers than recipients. But secretly, they’ll be quite pleased. Leo, unfortunately, your love forecast indicates a separation or a shift. If the relationship is in need of CPR, let's call it a DNR and call it a day. If there is a good solid chance in hell it could be saved, it's going to have to change. You and the person you're crazy about are going to have to break your favorite habits in order to continue to tolerate one another. True story, end of statement.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
A lot of discussion will be involved in your relationships with Virgos. Also, a lot of Scrabble. They’re quite romantic in their own way—you can tell when they’ve genuinely been thinking about you, but if you’re the type to need outlandish forms of romantic expression, move to Scorpio. Virgos are subtle, but sincere. They make good mates, if you don’t set external expectations on them. Taking a Virgo out for Valentine’s Day? I suggest a documentary film, a reading or play where they can sit and analyze for awhile, and let them analyze out loud for awhile at the bar or coffee shop later. You don’t have to shower them with lovey-dovey words, they’ll find serious listening quite romantic. Gifts? Think gadgets or games. But be prepared that you’ll lose your Virgo to the really cool toy you just gave them for like, two days. And although they can be introverted, they make surprisingly wild lovers—if you find the right seams to rip. Gemini, this could be the naughty librarian we discussed above! Virgo, you're going to make this one work if it kills you, aren't you? The Flying Monkeys applaud your choice of action, but keep in mind that there's a fifty-fifty chance it still isn't going to work, even with your best and best-calculated actions behind it. Remember that you are in the time of Saturn of Suck, and the Universe will continue to throw flaming shit-balls at your every turn. Don't take this to mean you shouldn't try. Go for it. Sister Mary wants you to. But understand that not everything works as you think it should--just because you think it should.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
“Buy me presents. I want presents.”That’s a direct Libra quote, by the way. These kittens are the biggest fusers in the whole zodiac. If you get hooked up with one, you’ve got a MATE. They are going to bring their all to your relationship and they’re going to find a way, damnit, to make it work. They will watch you, listen to you, know you, and smack you on the head if you fuck around. They give a lot of attention, but they need a lot of attention as well. Just like Taurus, they are also more sensitive than they let on, so when you feel the need to call them on their shit—try and be gentle about it, okay? They are forgiving creatures, though. They like sex, but more than they like sex, they like to be desired. Now. For the important thing. If you want to date a Libra, you’re going to need to get outlandish and ridiculous. I’m talking a dozen roses. And a horse-drawn carriage. And a sunset walk on the beach where you read the corny poem you wrote. Pictures, pictures, pictures. Making them presents is a good way to go, but you need to SHOW YOUR LOVE IN A WAY THAT LIBRA CAN SHOW TO EVERYONE. Libra, you may need to team up with a Taurus for beer, nachos and commiseration later as you too are going to run into your own problems with V-Day. Dropped calls, missed trains, bad traffic or catching your sweetie sucking the toes of a Sagittarius...if something goes wrong on your favorite holiday, don't take it personally. It's the Great Bastard above doing what the Great Bastard does so well--fuck it up.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
These slimy bastards will sweep you off your silly feet in three words or less. They are sexy, they are romantic. They are the type that climb up the fire escape? and sneak into your bed—not for sex, just to hold you. Well, maybe for sex, too. But they’re actually more insecure than your average Cancer. Do you find them attractive? Do you find them attractive enough? Who else do you find attractive? Would you ever want to date your ex again? These are very serious questions in the mind of a Scorpio. Now, we all know Scorpios have a teensy-weensy-itsy-bitsy problem with keeping their dicks and choochies to themselves. However, if their partner ever strayed on them—they’d probably find a way to make it look like not a big deal, but secretly plot the death of the extra lover and cheater. They’re naughty that way. They like keeping tabs on their former lovers (Don’t lie. That’s why you read my blog.), and are quite obsessed with knowing what their former lovers are saying about them. I say almost nothing about my former Scorpios….just to annoy them. If you’re wanting to date a Scorpio, male or female, let them take the lead. Scorpios don’t plan their dates, nor are the super-spontaneous with them. A date with a Scorpio just kind of “evolves.” I don’t know how to better explain that. You go over to a Scorpio’s house to borrow a cup of sugar, and six hours later, you find yourself sitting on the bank of a creek in the next state over, sucking that sugar from their thumb and watching the ripples on the water. It looks as though Scorpio is the winner in this Valentine's Day horrorscope saga! Scorpio, whomever you've been stalking throughout the winter is about to turn around and stalk you back. Won't that be fun? Keep an eye out for still-attached marital partners or broken-hearted formers. Meanwhile, you'll have great sex and lots of adventure. Shut up. We all resent you.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Not every Sag enjoys verbal abuse or the sight of their somewhat-significant-other slamming his/her purse against the side of the movie theater, but they do like that kind of “excitement,” or “passion” or “psychosis.” If you want a Sag to be your Valentine that year, you may have to trick him or her (ask a Scorpio for advice). Not, “What are you doing for Valentine’s Day?” but “Wanna hang out and do something on Thursday?” They'll show up at my apartment with a copy of Spinal Tap and a two pound Hershey bar and will say something like, “Hey, did you know it's Valentine's Day?” See? If you want to date a Sag, you have to pretend that it’s not a date. They’re not stupid, they’ll know it’s a date, but they won’t freak out if you let them pretend that you’re just pretending to go on a date. Competitive stuff: darts, pool, poker, those are good things to do with a Sag—keep them busy or they’ll get into your medicine cabinet. You might want to let them win, though, especially if they’re not good at the game. Careful with the flowers and the foofy stuff. Typical Sag will prefer a bottle of bourbon. Sag, you're in danger of coming on too strong during the holiday. If it doesn't go as planned, don't get too down because you're still sexier than the person they do end up going home with. Best course of action is to be gentle and approach slowly. Most of the Zodiac is walking around with wounded hearts this time of year and will need time before submitting to your cat o' nine.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn: that’s an investment right there. The kids have expensive taste, and they don’t come outright and just tell you what they want you to do for them. Gift-wise, emotion-wise, any of it. Capricorns truly believe that somewhere in your mind is a tattoo-ed list of all of their wants and needs, and if you don’t cater to them, they’re angry. Ever seen a goat get angry? They kick a lot of things--that sounds about right for your Capricorn. On the upside, they will provide for you and support you—provided you provide and support them, too. They’ve got your wants and needs down, too, but don’t forget the reciprocation. They don’t always thank you outright, but they genuinely appreciate you. (We think.) Yeah, if you’re taking a Capricorn out this Valentine’s Day, might wanna take out a loan, too. Of course, the investment is worth it. Go for quality, not quantity. Such as A diamond instead of a DOZEN roses. Capricorn, maybe you're the one Scorpio is going to capture this month! Looks as though Capricorn is going to weather a dramatic revelation about their love life--but that's a good thing! They either realize their platonic best friend is indeed their love of their life, soul mate, karmic brethren, or they WON'T and they'll MOVE ON from the co-worker who still won't return their calls! Capricorn, whether or not you have a Prince or Princess Charming waiting on your stoop on Hallmark's Holiday, you'll march through the next few weeks with a smile on your face. It's a good time for you.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
They’re fun, oh yes, they’re a friggin’ blast and a half. But you’re going to want to stand still when you’re trying to date these cats. Don't chase 'em, don't cage 'em. They’re less likely to have the “Do we want to move in together?” discussion, and more likely to come over to your house one day and never go home. Many Aquarians have married before, but Sister Mary can’t think of any right now. They’re more likely to shack up for the long-term. Again, lots of fun, but if you need consistent I-love-you-and-will-never-leave-you-ever-ever-ever, Aquarius may not be your match. You’ll have one of your insecure, weepy moments and your Aquarius will look at you with a crinkled brow, and then go climb up on the roof to watch the fireworks. There may not even be fireworks that night—but that’s never really mattered to Aquarius. It’s not to say they’ll never be attentive to your emotional baggage, but they might leave it in the overhead compartment a little longer than the other signs. I highly suggest taking your Aquarius Valentine to an amusement park (if it’s not too cold) or some other place where they can run around for a couple of hours. Parks are good, too. Just open the car door slightly and watch them go, go, go. It’s February, so they’ll want that heated car again soon. Aquarius, you too are slowly blossoming into a love affair. Might be a good idea to slow down and take stock of that person who is so wild about you, and don't go skipping off into the meadow too soon, alone.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
These kids are hot because they tuuuuuunnnnnnnneeeee into you. Running into a new Pisces, you’re bound to feel as though you’ve met them somewhere before. The hard part with your fishy friends is that they're often up to something. Usually, it's for the good of humanity. Sometimes, they're psychically wishing your death. They're not always apt to tell you what's bothering them--and they don't always want to. They're not going to ask you to talk about your feelings, because they already know what they are. Like fish, they only survive under specific conditions, so monitor the stress, temperature and acidity of your apartment on a regular basis. You can try to plan a date with your Pisces, but they're going to manuever it whatever way they want it to go. They tend to construct their own moral universe, so be prepared to have to relearn their rules every couple of days. Don't forget to make them learn your rules as well. Pisces has been going through immense change over the past year which they hate, and sorry to say, Pisces, this isn't going to change in your love life, either. Something old must be let go, something new must be brought it. If it's going to be a successful change (i.e., one that won't require a Prozac/bourbon cocktail), you're going to have to grit your teeth and embrace it. No exceptions.

Crunched under another deadline....

2008-02-10T18:35:00.000-08:00

Will have the 'scopes posted by tomorrow evening!!!

xoxox
SMM

Running away from the real real world tonight...

2008-02-03T11:16:00.000-08:00

With a sun in Aquarius and a moon in Sagittarius this week, we’re going to be more convinced than ever that the world is actually a fluffy bunny place of rainbows and sunshine and strippers without crabs. World leaders are improving things. Glaciers are growing. Yupsters are moving away and taking Starbucks with them.

It’s possible that all of this is true—but it’s more likely that happy-go-lucky Aquarius has teamed up with Fuck-All Sagittarius and made you think your Prozac prescription has gone up a few notches without your knowledge. The latter may be true. Might wanna check the bottle.

This week, we’re still feeling the effects of Aquarius in Mercury, we’re still talking big about the shape of the world and how if those crazy cretins in the Casa Blanca would listen to us, all things would be perfect—but we’re probably ignoring the traumatic events going on in the lives those close to us. If your roommate is playing Man Man’s Van Helsing Boombox repeatedly and hasn’t come out of the room except to pee in the last few days, you might want to go knock on the door. And with a Venus in Capricorn, your usually swinger-happy, poly-loving girl or boyfriend is suddenly flipping through wedding magazines and using that C word. That’s “commitment,” if you’re slow and hungover this morning.

All in all, the next seven days look to be both frightening and delightful, horrifying and delicious—just like every week!

Welcome to the week of February 2nd-8th! Please return to the Circulation Counter…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries, you really need to quit wiping the asses of others, as it’s wearing on your health. The Great Cauldron of Sister Mary decrees that you need to look at the people you’re hanging out with and make sure they’re not pulling a psychic vampire thing on you—sucking your soul and leaving you empty and unable to dance. If you succeed in not screwing that part up, it looks as though you’ll meet someone obscenely cool in the coming days—or re-link with someone you already know. This may mean severing ties with old assholes, because the new relationships you’re forming will take up a bunch of your precious time. That’s a good thing. Stay with it. Don’t return certain phone calls.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Pretty little bulls, it’s your time to open up, stop playing Greta Garbo and meet some new people! Contrary to popular belief, you—little socialite that you are—sometimes don’t like to come out of the apartment to play. The Flying Monkeys want you to let your guard down. The events of 2007 made you want to change your species—and even your home planet, if you could—and you may be experiencing a few spit-ups from all that movement. It looks as though there are a few more ties you need to sever. If you don’t sever them, they’ll do it for you. It will be painful, but don’t drink too much over it. It’s going to make room for much sexier beasts to come in and bite you.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Whoa, chatter-box. You need to calm down, tune in and shut up. Something has seriously crawled up your toga and it’s time to go take a bath. There is something in your life that requires brutal honesty—the kind that gets drinks thrown in your face. Wear goggles, but don’t hold back the truth. The good news is (Yes! Sister Mary provides good news several times a year, actually) that by week’s end, you’ll emerge strong and gorgeous and everyone in town will want to sleep with you. Speak the truth, and ye shall be laid. That’s your mantra for the week.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Cancers around the Universe took this time to clean up their bodies, minds and vocabularies (SH*T!!!!!!!!) at New Years, and several of us were able to accomplish that! With clean closets, healthy (er….health-ier…) livers and fresh paths to trod, we’re opening ourselves in all kinds of ways (hee hee) to new people and perspective. Always feels that way, doesn’t it, fellow Crabs? We’re always getting over some emotional trauma and learning something from it and rebuilding? Maybe we should change our symbol from Cranky Crab to Anal Architect. Sister Mary’s putting in a request.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Oh, shit. Leo up and fell in luv again. Someone go get a broom. Leo, when are you going to learn that just because the dude or chick selling beer at the Bodega has the most beautiful eyes you’ve ever seen and giggles when you tell them so, doesn’t necessarily mean that person is going to leave their spouse and six kids and run away with you to the Caribbean? Do you even have the resources to move someone to the Caribbean? When things get awkward at the Bodega, please don’t call us crying at 3:14 in the morning. The Flying Monkeys want you to work on breaking the habits that sent you into therapy several times over.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgo, Sister Mary knows she pissed a lot of you off with that reading last week. There truly wasn’t anything new to report. She does also loathe noting that you’re still going to have to work on your un-favorite chore: developing patience. There are many things our Virgos want to see happen, but Saturn visits all of us from time to time, making all of that excruciatingly slow and horrendously arduous. Many Virgos are finding that they need to let go of nasty habits that harm their health and make their apartments stink of glue. Many Virgos are also obsessing (duh) over some kind of failed communication. Did your cell phone break? If so, get a new one and shut up. If it’s a deeper kind of miscommunication, let it go. Somehow, it was meant to be, but don’t ask Sister Mary how.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
HOLY SHIT. Libra quit gabbing for twenty seconds and realized there was something major to work on in themselves!!! This is very cool. Only happens once in an eon or so to Libras, so if you’re heavily involved with one of these little honey-drops, don’t bother them for the next few days. They’re saying goodbye to something heavy in their lives and don’t want you bothering them. Now, Libra—with all this new self-awareness, don’t start getting all whiney and wanting reassurance from all of us all the friggin’ time. Relax and be happy, you have a glorious reunion coming. Either you’ll run into yourself during one of your yoga sessions, or you’ll run into that old love you’ve been pining for and discover they’ve acquired a nasty meth habit. You’ll be over that and ready to move onto something more glorious.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Sister Mary would recommend Scorpios team up against the world with Virgo this week—except she knows how un-well that would end. You too, Scorpio, are being leeched for patience this week by things far bigger than yourself. Since you still won’t be able to assassinate God this week, stay calm and retreat to your Fortress and plan for how to get out with the road-bumps finally go away. You can stare out your window and watch Virgo ignore this piece of very powerful advice and laugh when they slip on the banana peels placed for them. You too are struggling with miscommunication, but that’s because your Fortress gets lousy cell service. Might want to go out and look for a signal to make the ride smoother this week.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Well, you’re going to start out strong with week—helped along by the forces of your own gorgeous moon. However, there is weakness to come. You finally catch your co-worker’s cold and because you never slow down, end up with pneumonia. You got too busy on the job and your lover ended up boning someone else, leaving you feeling sexless and unattractive. (How untrue!!!) Suck it up and move along, slow down so that the people who love you can find you.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Venus in your own sign seemed like such a good idea earlier in the week, didn’t it? Yeah. Your thoughts are all on love and you’re thinking of Valentine’s Day, Prom Night and Eloping all in the same beat. Stop that. You’re scaring people. Most of the people you’re fantasizing about you just met last week. It also looks as though you’re spending too much time with Scorpio and Virgo—both of whom are going to be having communication issues and therefore, you’re bound to misunderstand something as well. Silly. Keep your cell charged and a box of tissues handy. You’ll need both at regular intervals.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Why are you so paranoid? Do the street people really make you that nervous? Come on, Aquarius—it’s not like you to get so defensive. Shut down and shutting out—yes. We’re used to that from you. But something has frightened you…oh. The Capricorn Venus. Looks as though someone out there is pushing you for a commitment to something you’re not ready for. Or think you’re not ready for. Make sure entering this commitment is a really, really bad idea before sprinting off into the hills again. Tears could be coming your way—make sure whatever you bid farewell deserves the bid.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
The week will start out slow and sluggish which means our fish are treading water slowly in the coming days. Pisces, you’re feeling depressed and cranky over things you can’t do anything about. When things suck and we can’t change them, remember this mantra: Eventually, suckage ceases. Sister Mary has a couple of things to tell you that you may not like, so quit reading if you’re not interested. Still here? Okay. It will eventually level out and you won’t feel so sad about the circumstances. But just when you get to that point, you’ll find a few more bright lights fizzle and fade. (That’s what you get with non-florescent.) Take heart and remember the mantra: Eventually, suckage ceases. It has to. That’s the law.

Earth, Air, Water...there's got to be something missing.

2008-01-27T20:33:00.000-08:00

Sun in Aquarius: We can’t focus on anything, but we’re having a great time.

Moon in Libra: We still can’t focus on anything, and we definitely can’t make up our mind about any of it.

Mercury in Aquarius: We have lots of big ideas this week, but the conversation continues to sway.

Venus in Capricorn: Buy us something pretty.

Sister Mary thanks you for being so patient while she disappeared into the Confessional!!! It’s kind of like doing the dishes when they’ve sat in the sink a few weeks longer than usual. Takes awhile to get rid of the really nasty stuff. She’s back now, with bukos of delicious anticipations!!!

Welcome to the week of Jan 27-February 2nd! It’s still so cold, but the stars are so warm…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
The stars this week are littered with water signs, a few stubborn earth pieces and lots and lots of air. A fire sign like you is pretty sure to be irritated on a daily basis as the majority of people around you are going to be distracted and more chatty than usual. Take it in stride—or move back to Mars. Striding is cheaper since the current administration has a landlock on your home planet’s terrain. Sister Mary’s only advice to you is to breathe deep and unlock the jaw. You’ll need it later for eating or something.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
With your home planet chilling with your favorite Capricorns, you might want to cash in some of your Karma points and listen to your Goat friends bitch about their love lives for awhile. If you don’t have any friends, this would be a good week to make some. Sister Mary is kidding, Taurus. You’re one of the most popular signs on the chart (and most sensitive, requiring this kind of reassurance). If you’re dating someone right now, it’s a good week to work on the boring kinks required of putting up with another human being. If you’re not dating anyone, you may have more luck than you think finding someone rich (although not necessarily drop-dead-sexy). Keep your eye on your SugarDaddy.com profile.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Yeah, you still have Mars direct in your house this week. You’re going to continue to get a lot of work done, but Sister Mary hates to inform you that the chaos gremlins are going to pick you to screw with this week. That comes with the Mars influence. Watch your temper in the coming days because no matter how much people may be annoying you at the moment, you’re going to need their assistance in matters of the health, home and heart. Don’t get caught having to finish a project alone. You’re Gemini and we all know how much you dislike autonomy.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
With our special planet hanging out with our Libra friends…oh, wow! Big surprise. Cancer is going to be all locked up in the head about relationships!!! Gee, anyone ever hear of a Cancer obsessing about matters of the heart? Huh. (Yeah…) Fellow Crab Cakes: whether these relationships are of the romantic, platonic or imaginary nature, be advised not to let it consume you to the point of curling up under the covers with a box of aloe-Kleenex and a flask of gin. This is also a good time to consult Libra friends, as they’re going to be the few that understand us in the coming days.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
If the independent and detached Aquarius energy has you insecure and unbalanced, you need to get over it. Breathe deep and accept the fact that you simply aren’t going to get all the attention you crave in the coming days. This is usually a tough time of year for you. First of all, it’s bloody cold. Second, the focus of the zodiac is directly opposite everything you know to be true and holy. It happens to all of us, once a year when our polar opposite takes control. This is a good period, actually, as we’ll all get tired of the detached Aquarian way and crave your warm, fuzzy nature.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You’re still in Saturn. It’s gonna suck. What more do you want?

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Break out the incense, the journal, and the Tori Amos remixes. It’s your week for personal reflection. Libras across the Universe will find themselves curled up in their apartments even more than usual this week. Be sure to make it for the self-improvement, not the self pity-party. Your home planet being in Capricorn may make you all paranoid about the state of your relationships appearance, so be careful not to annoy your mate with talk about why they won’t squeeze your ass in public like they used to.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
That fake planet of yours, Pluto, is hanging out in Capricorn this week, which is a bizarre combination for a sign like you. Capricorns aren’t quite the opposite of Scorpio, but they feel like drastically opposing forces the majority of the time. Suddenly, you’ll be plagued by thoughts on interior decorating and fire-escape gardening. You won’t be able to handle your own skin, knowing there’s a chance your cube mate is wearing white socks. Drink heavily for the next few days, Scorpio. There is little other hope for you.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Liberating to have Venus move on and bother someone else, right? Your week is going to provide much needed calm. You may get around to folding the laundry decorating your bedroom floor for the past two weeks. Now, with your home planet in Capricorn, you might need to kiss the ass of any Goats you managed to irk while you were going through the “Me Think Biggie Thoughts” period a few months ago. They need more attention and they’ll expect it from you in particular. Trim the thorns and have the roses handy.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
It seems as though the birthday fairy brought you every new responsibility you managed to avoid in ’07? Welcome to a new year, a new you, a whole set of new issues to talk about with your shrink. Your love life, your interpersonal journey, your thoughts on God, Project Runway—it’s all going to feel like steel hammers on your skull. The good news is that Venus will be running along shortly, and the confusion you currently feel about the heart, short-lived. The feelings on your own journey, God and reality TV—those are life-long things you’ll have to work on. Just know they only feel more apparent because you got a few extra planets on your plate this week.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
This is probably the best birthday present anyone could give you. Everything going lightly and flippantly and no one is expecting you to give solid answers on anything because they themselves are incapable of asking solid questions. Strangely, though, you may find people are looking to you for leadership, which is something you don’t shun, but don’t know what to do with, either. That’s the Mercury visit. Everyone is speaking Aquarius, so what do we do? Ask an Aquarius to interpret. We’ll be over it and will leave you alone, shortly.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Having Uranus in Pisces is crazy for all of us. The world-wide changes coming as we slip out of your age (2,000 years of Piscean rule) to the Age of Aquarius (not just a crappy song anymore!) will hit you in the head first before the rest of us feel it. Most Pisces throughout the world are experiencing tumultuous endings and upheavals that leave them with ulcers, migraines and substance habits. Take your tummy meds, wrap a cloth over your aching eyes, share your habits. We’re all going to eventually feel as you do. Just know you’re lucky enough to get it first and have it over with.

GAH......

2008-01-20T16:04:00.000-08:00

Under a difficult deadline. Repentence is tough.

Will need to take this weekend off, sinners. Sorry for the eternal frustration.

:(

xoxo
SMM

Capricorn.

2008-01-13T10:28:00.000-08:00

If you want something done, hire someone to do it.

If you want something done perfectly with matching colors and textures, appropriate lighting and seasonal flair hire a Capricorn to do it. (But it’ll cost you.)

Those weird people rolling over the mountains in canvas-topped shoeboxes must have had a bunch of Capricorns. There’s no way they could have made it, otherwise.
Resourceful and loyal, practical and pragmatic, Capricorn is the reason the rest of us stay employed. Actually, if you dropped Capricorn in the middle of the Sahara with nothing but a box of toothpicks, a flexi-straw and a used condom wrapper and returned in six weeks, you’d find they’d started a day spa. When you get screwed and you find yourself crying behind a Greyhound station dumpster at four in the morning, call your Capricorn friend. Not because they’ll be the softest shoulder to cry on. Not because they’ll pull some sniper action on the bitch or bastard that broke your heart. But because they’re the only one of your friends you can count on to have a working car or cab fare.

It’s true. Your Capricorn will save the day, every time.

You probably don’t work for a Capricorn—but you probably work with one—but it feels like you work for one. Capricorns don’t need to be in charge. They like to walk away at the end of the day, which is why they’re probably not your boss. However, they still like things to go their way, which is why the Capricorn bus-boy still feels like a manager while he’s running behind you, re-rolling the roll-ups. They make good co-workers and business partners. They don’t do well with lazy people.

In romantic relationships, Capricorn appears detached, but it’s not quite the case. They’re most comfortable in functional, financially secure arrangement and say they want no drama, although the slightest miscommunication will end in empty tissue boxes and guilt trips to blush the pope. They need people with extra patience, yet the patient people seem to bore them terribly. Takes quite a bit of time for them to make up their minds, so when they’re going back over the window or aisle seat dilemma. If you’re dating a Capricorn, know that you’ll always be taken care of.

Capricorn makes a fussy bed-friend. They will have very specific kinks and quirks they will expect you to “just know” what they are (Call their exes…if they’re still alive) But given enough time, they will become efficient experts at what pleases you.

Things you should let Capricorn do:

1.) Decorate your apartment. They’re better at it than you.
2.) Do the talking. They’re also better at that than you.
3.) Manage the money. They may not be better at that than you, but don’t mention it.
4.) Let them say, “I told you so,” even if they didn’t.
5.) Win.

Things to never do to a Capricorn:

1.) Tell them they’re wrong.
2.) Buy a gift for them—that you found on sale. (They can smell it.)
3.) Tell them “not to take it personally.” (Already too late.)
4.) Tell them they’re wrong.
5.) Lie to them. (They can smell it.)
6.) Let them make a decision. You’ll be there all night.
7.) Tell them they’re wrong.
8.) Tell them Sister Mary said any of this.

Happy Birthday to the Capricorns of the Convent of Sensual Salvation!!! George, Catherine Gasta, Angelo, Famous Lacy and Sister Mary’s mom!!!! Hooray for you being born!!!!

Welcome to the week of Jan 13-19! Have you embraced your inner mongoose yet?

There’s a little something for every boy and girl this week in “As the Universe Expands.” Sun in dependable Capricorn: we’re all still very serious about keeping our New Year’s resolution to quit sniffing paint. But under the Pisces moon, we’re actually still sniffing paint, but doing it in secret—and lying about it. With Mercury in Aquarius, we find it hard to finish discussions about paint-sniffing-cessation before something else more interesting comes up to discuss (that’s also the fumes). And…with Venus in Sagittarius, we simply can’t commit to what brand of paint we want to sniff. Looks like a complicated week, kittens, but it’s actually quite balanced. All four elementals are out to play so even if some of us are losing our minds—it doesn’t feel so bad.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
No major planetary catastrophes in your realm this week, so you don’t have any hold-ups in kicking the ass around you that so deserves it. Aries, we know it feels as though you always have to kick ass and take names ‘round these astrological parts, but that’s your role as Big Sibling to the Stars. Someone around you needs to get whipped into shape and if (by chance) you have any reservations about it, let it go. They may balk, they may cry, they may say nasty things about you on their LiveJournal, but that’ll only last a day or so when they’ll come back and admit you were right. This will benefit your relationship with this person/place/thing and leave it both stronger and less annoying.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Either yoga didn’t take or you’ve spent too much time listening to half-formed opinions in stereo, but Taurus is out of touch with their inner bull. Taurus, if someone screwed up on your behalf, and you’re trying to be the bigger mammal about it—you really need to listen to that squeaky voice of wizdumb trapped beneath your inner filing cabinet. You’re in danger of returning trust to some lazy bitch or bastard who’s going to end up costing you, if not emotionally, then financially. Yes, Sister Mary said “financial danger.” If that doesn’t wake you up…perhaps this psychic slap will. *BAP!!!* Don’t make Sister Mary do that again.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Now, with cranky Mars still circulating Gemini, our favorite bi-polar beasts will find their new motivated selves strangely frustrated. Lots of work got done last week, and this week is all about venting about the crap you’ve been stewing about for six weeks, but haven’t had the time to spill it all out. After a late night bitch fest with a good beer buddy, you’ll feel empty and raw. Still motivated, looking around the room at all the projects you still need to complete, but finding you simply can’t get out of bed to do it. Grandaddy Depression is a bitch, but it’s short lived. After it’s over, you’ll feel better and better focused to get back to work while Mars is still around to make you do more than G-chat all day.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
It took us a couple of weeks, but we’re finally making some headway on those New Year’s resolutions. Lots of trips to the Goodwill, depositing the books we know we’re not going to need, the clothes we’ll never wear again, and the lovers who should have been pawned years ago. The middle of the week will feel empty—maybe even lonely. But it’s actually that really cool blank canvas the Great Bastard in the Sky has been promising us for a long time. We can shape our coming week however we want to. However, the new strength we’ve found in the quiet period could get easily sucked up by fleshy black holes. We need to watch out for where we put our energy in the coming week, as our brittle little shells will be easier to crack by negative nasties.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Well, it looks as though Leo will be spending the first part of the week chewing Advil to combat the hangover incurred by last week’s insanity. Leo, while you’re moping through Monday and Tuesday, take heart because you’ll be over it by Wednesday. Either some heavenly motivational speaker will appear, or the mascara tracks become just a tad too unattractive, even for your own lamenting. So, when you come back and throttle your kick-boxing instructor, you’ll find new opportunities by Thursday to meet even cooler people than the ones who upset you last week. Next weekend promises new adventures, the kind you’ll be excited to share. Your friends will be glad for a change in your dopey demeanor, as well.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Sorry, Virgo. This upcoming week will have even more of Sucky Saturn influence than the last. You’re just going to have to wade through the frustration and chaos caused by last week’s events. Get on firmer ground quickly, because you’re about to get hit by the Shit Fairy again. Such is the way of time in Saturn!!! The flying monkeys urge you not to grieve over your recent misfortunes. This is going to teach you to be happier with where you are and where you’re going.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
This week’s Libra lesson is learning about control. That is—you’re going to have to give it up. Many Libras experienced painful breakups of some sort—primarily of the romantic fashion, but could be in the friend’s sense, too. It’s a good week for you to reorganize your current relationships and stop hanging out with people you can’t control. It gives you zits. Look for a flock of willing sheep to govern and dictate. Now, if you’re lucky enough to find them, read no further. If you’re not, might want to consider tempering the hot sauce in your head. Pour it out on some chicken wings. Maybe you’re lacking protein.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpio kicks the most ass this week. Don’t get excited. Doesn’t mean you’ve won anything. You just happen to have more planets working in your favor. Now, this week you’ll start out strong and be blessed with a super-sonic breakthrough that could make you rich and famous. However, being Scorpio, you’re too nervous to share your plan with anyone and are more likely to see some Sag catch the psychic wind and FOIL your plans with the same idea!!! Don’t let that happen. This is a rare period of strength, so move forward while your foible enemies are just that.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Oy. Venus in your sign. The next few weeks—right up until bloody Valentine’s day, actually—your focus will be all on your heart and its little pitter-pats. Flighty Sag…careful whose hearts you break in the coming weeks. They may have a fresh ju-ju batch going on with eye of newt and fresh bat wing with your name on it. Your passions and loves are so hot, but the rest of the world doesn’t cool as quickly as you do. If you get excited with a new hottie, make sure you clearly, slowly and articulately enunciate each word when you explain what you want from the situation. It also looks like there are individuals you’re planning on pulling away from and if that’s the case, know that hurt feelings are a definite possibility. Don’t break the heart of anyone who carries a weapon.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
More happy birthdays to you!!! The beginning of this week will provide a much needed lull in your extra-curricular adventures. Say bye-bye to friends calling to check in on your drama. Your personal circus is quiet this week, but the clowns and bears in the ring tops of your friends are going on a picket-line and throwing giant red shoes. This is why you haven’t heard from them. Now, take three deep breaths for this next piece of news. Some kind of announcement or revelation mid week is going to make you very, very sad. Not the blue kind of sadness where you stare at the Hudson and sigh a lot. The kind of sadness that makes you hang out under a stoop that’s not your own in the middle of a blizzard, catching your tears in an empty bottle of gin. If this proves to be accurate, tune in next week when Sister Mary will have the solution for you.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Good, strong week for Aquarius, up through the weekend! Breaking your own paint-sniffing habit has been an inspiration to many, and the book you wrote about said experience will fly off the shelves. Your reading is short this week, because it’s just so damn good. It’s all going to work out fine, even things with that asshole boss. (Maybe someone will take an extended vacation for like…forever!!!) And…looks like the One That Got Away will make a surprise return before the weekend! Don’t know if this means they want to get back with you, get back in bed with you, or merely borrow five bucks. In any case, it’ll be a nice boost for your ego.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
With your own moon brooding overhead, it’s a good week for reflection into what makes you tick-tick-boom. Pisces, harness the meticulous, hardworking Capricorn energy and take a look at your employment and creative endeavors. The early part of this week will be a good time to start a long term project, which could make you some money—just don’t expect to see the green paper come flying your way for awhile. On a personal note, pay attention to your relationships at the moment. The flying monkeys highly encourage you to have some Dr. Phil-type conversations with the people you care about.

Chaos, frustration, celibacy...and a PARTY!!!!

2008-01-07T04:36:00.000-08:00

Good morning, Blessed Sinners!!!

Mammy Superior has the entire Convent of Sensual Salvation on a strict detoxification diet of Lemon Juice, Cayenne Pepper and Maple Syrup—squeezing our livers back to their pristine states! This week, we’ll find every kid in the zodiac also putting the petal on their New Years resolutions. Now, since we’re in the realm of Capricorn, the second most determined resolution after rehab is making more money (and for most of Gen X and Y…making a nick in vampiric debt.)

Now, this week marks the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF ASTROLOGY EXPLAINED!!!

That’s right! 52-ish weeks of everything you never wanted to know…all about you! And for this, the Convent of Sensual Salvation will be throwing a birthday bash at Stain Bar on Sunday, January 13th and you all need to show up.

Sunday, January 13
6:00-9:00 p.m.
Stain Bar
766 Grand Street, Brooklyn, NY
(L to Grand, walk 1 block West)
718-387-7840
$FREE!!!

Performances by:
Michele Carlo (It Came From New York; The Liar; The MOTH)
Lilith Dorsey (Anthropologist; dancer; Voodoo Priestess; author of Voodoo and Afro-Caribbean Paganism)
***Lilith will be available for tarot consultation***
Satan (Lord of Darkness)
Music by Vanessa Boyd and the Yes Men
The Sisters of Sensual Salvation
Food!
Magickal Raffle!
ASS-trology foretold!!!The World Famous Magic Microphone!!!And more!!!!

This will be Sister Mary’s last Ass-tro Hour for awhile…she’s taking a break to catch up on her penance. But AstrologyExplained won’t be going anywhere…so you can continue to check in here for your horrorscope needs…

Welcome to the week of January 6-January 12! Just when you thought it was safe to remove the slumber mask…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
With most of the celestial bodies colliding with Capricorn this week, you’re more likely to experience some much needed calm-time. In fact, the cauldron indicates that you’re finally going to get inspired to fix things that have been bugging you—primarily in the organizational sense. Pre-spring removal of the clothes you know still won’t fit even after the holiday cheer melts off your ass, burning print-out emails from your college lover (the one who’s now in a cult? Yeah. Let it go.), deleting incriminating photos from the MySpace page. This is a good week to get your life de-cluttered. Of course, you’re Aries and are probably a compulsive cleaner anyway, but take this week to reorganize what’s already in place. It’ll be fun.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Now, since Capricorn has all the planets this week, Taurus will find that most things aren’t going their way, which will annoy them, but they’ll also find that the current going the way of Capricorn won’t be so bad—it might even make you some money. It’s a good time to let go of people still asking to borrow cash and never repaying you. Might also be a good idea to take a long look at your life-insurance beneficiary? (Do you ever wake to find this person holding a pillow over your face? Or brandishing a knife under your stoop? Might want to consider changing a certain name on your policy…) It’s a good week to rev up your New Year’s resolutions. It looks as though you are going to be voted Most Likely to Not Say “Fuck It” to those self-promises the rest of us will have forgotten by Thursday.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Mars is taking a visit to your sector this week, Gemini, and plans to stink up your bathroom for a few after that. If you’ve recently felt more bored than usual, or irritated at that guy/girl in the bed, don’t start throwing gin bottles at the wall. Yet. This is your motivation to get shite done talking, which means it’s probably time to make changes in where you work, where you live, and/or who you sleep with. If you can afford it, take a spa to sit in a steam bath away from everyone. If that’s too pricey, lock the bathroom door, plant yourself on the toilet and run the shower hot for awhile. Visualize the steam opening up your pores and letting it ooze the irritations, frustrations and dead-beats from your vicinity. When you’re done, go out and put all their stuff on the curb before they wake up. Then, get back on the eHarmony and get someone else in that bed before you get so bored you call them up again.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Now with feverish Mars bugging the Gemini next door, we can go back to being lazy little caterpillars and not feel guilty that we should have turned into butterflies like, six months ago. It’s cold. The couch is warm and some of us finally got NetFlix for Kwanzaa!!! And while many Cancerians are still weepy over the events of big, nasty 2007, most of us will do better to continue hiding in our warm little apartment-shells until we get bored enough to go out and stir up new drama. This new drama will take many months to fully cultivate, and it’s promising to be even MORE blog-worthy than last year’s debacle, so as soon as you feel even the least bit motivated to quit feeling sorry for your Crabby self, get your flabby ass off that couch and go out and play.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leo, you too will be experiencing an unnerving week of calm. At least, until Wednesday or so. Yeah, through Wednesday you’ll be busy making plans to complete your own resolutions. Being Leo, it’s likely something to re-affirm your status as the Sexiest Kitten in the Universe—your hair, your weight, your waxings—but these plans will come grinding to a halt Wednesday afternoon or Thursday morning when some unforeseen annoyance spelled C-A-T-A-S-T-R-O-P-H-E will rear it’s greasy head. Don’t worry. Nothing terrible will result. But you’re Leo and will take a broken platform strap as indication of your failure as a sex-pot human being and you’ll be convinced you’ll never get laid again. If you really think this is true—just call Sister Mary. She’ll prove you wrong.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The arrival of Catastrophic Saturn in the Virgo home stretch has prompted many a skeptical Virgin to come running to Sister Mary for ass-trological wizdumb. She can honestly say that no nun anywhere can move Saturn’s fierce rays of Suck, and even if she could, she’d charge way more than you could afford. Now, Virgo, you’re probably already finding that your week started in a funk. Stop reminiscing about the days when Mom paid for everything. It’s never going to happen again. Stop whining about nothing going your way. Nothing will go your way until July 21, 2010, so just learn to laugh at the crap. Start saving pennies in the coffee can in your freezer to take a nice long cruise when this turmoil is done. More likely, you’ll need them before that for a Saturn Suck Day, so it’s good to plan now.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libra, you too are starting out this week with all kinds of plans to complete your New Year’s resolutions by Thursday. However, it looks like you’ll be hanging out with Leo with the caca hits the fan and will need to put your plans for the Life-Sized Barbie Dream House on hold until February. Take deep breaths and avoid letting the freak-outs give you panic attacks. If you take medication, you might want to nicely ask your doctor for a teensy bit more this week. By the week’s end, you’ll realize that you won’t be able to do anything about the chronic disruption and will simply go watch Lost episodes until you forget about existing on this plane at all. Sister Mary will be back next week with some motivational tools.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpio will start out this week in the fantastical delusion that they do indeed own several small island nations and are worshipped by naked gorgeous people. Scorpio is going to disown anyone who tries to tell them otherwise. Scorpio, maybe you’re the one exception. Maybe you do own an island where the locals leave you offerings of fruit, rum and virgins on your doorstep. But just in case you’re the one exception, let it go. Pick up a few more hours on the job this week, because you’re likely to make more money that way. Then you can waste it on new technology to drown out your inferiors.
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Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
With Jupiter finally out of your hair, you can relax your brain a little. No more giant thoughts making your daily life feel inadequate. Now, while you may be suffering from a philosophical hangover, this could lead to a touch of depression in the early part of the week. Probably induced by some petty bullshit you just don’t want to deal with…Don’t these morons know there are starving and dying people all over the Congo??? You may feel that irritable need to leave this life and go start another one far, far away…but you’ll probably end up watching television and tuning out the whiners around you. By week’s end, you’ll come back to save the day and be glad you stuck around with the morons you know—and do love. J

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
These next few weeks are going to feel like you’re being slapped at every turn—for good and for shitty. That’s because you have the Sun (daily grind), the Moon (private thoughts), Mercury (blah-blah-chatter), AND Jupiter (ideas of the grander scheme) all in Capricorn this week—which means you’ll be reevaluating what it is you do with your free time, the kind of person you want to be and how well you play with others at the café. Unfortunately, the start of this week is fraught with financial woes, followed by the regurgitation of some personal issue you thought you finally whipped, followed by some other moment of random chaos which will make you want to go back to rehab just for the time in the hot-tub. Hang in there Capricorn. It will get better as the week goes on and you’ll be stronger for it. Just think of all the cool stuff you can finally put in that memoir.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Yeah, most of us are still having trouble getting you to return our phone calls—since Neptune started hanging around, you’re not really with us. Are you even reading this? The first part of this week, you’ll be mistaking yourself for some mythical creature flying gracefully out of the clutches of the mad, evil giant. This means, you may just have to dump the loser this week. Which is good! They’ll finally pay you the money you’ve needed for awhile. Of course, it may bring on bouts of depression when you realize you’re not getting nearly as much sex as you were before…but that’ll change. You’ll re-embrace Buddhism, having already forgotten that you were into that last year and it didn’t work out like you thought. What is mind, really? (Never mind.)

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
The start of 2008 should mark something else Pisces will love—just over the half-way mark of their time in Uranus! Nasty planet of swift change has haunted you since 2003, but you’ll be through with it by ’10. Promise. So, whenever you start to cry because there’s just too much going on for your temperate mind to handle, try to be the glorious fish that you are and go with the friggin’ flow. You’ll find strength and wholeness…until mid-week with the shit comes crashing down again. Sorry. It’s happening all over the zodiac this week, if you noticed. Avoid Capricorn—they’re going through thorough insanity. Aries might be your best hang-out person this week, if you need companionship. (Who doesn’t?)

See you on Sunday, 1/13!!!!

Happy New Year!!!

2008-01-02T20:14:00.001-08:00

Happy New Year!!!

Oh, let’s hope that 2008 packs fewer shitballs than 2007. That won’t be hard, but Great Bastard Up Above sure does like to bring around a few surprises…

Let’s take a peek into the Magickal Cauldron and see what 2008 has in store for you!!!

Now, let’s do something fun and different. Sister Mary is going to pull a tarot card out of the cauldron for each and every sexy sign to forecast what kind of year you’re going to have!

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Temperance. You probably got this one last year. You probably get it every year! The Aries theme of 2008 is patience and balance, your two least favorite things next to liver and onions and taxes and traffic. Now, while 2007 and all the previous years demanded patience and balance, 2008 is going to demand it like a crusty old crack whore. Start your yoga and double up on the Enya in the IPod. The alternative includes your head exploding.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The Star. Illusions and fantasies will be your friends and your backstabbing bastards all at the same time. Dreams keep you in shape, make you more attractive to the world, so long as you’re actually enacting them and not wanking off to them all day in your mom’s basement. Make the choice this year to get the new headshots and actually send the fuckers to an agent, or realize that you’re a few years past that fresh prime phase and consider directing. Whatever it is that you’ve been kinda thinking about for the past good bit, make this the year you do it—or get over it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The World. It’s the year of wrap-ups for Gemini and fortunately, these look like pretty happy endings for most of you. In the Universal sense, anyway. Yet ye mortals have such a hard time letting go of anything, you cry even at the happiest cartoon bunny ending. Hop Hop Hop!!! Now, Gemini. You will, naturally, feel thwarted and confused by the quick succession of endings, many of which will occur before your birthday, but you’ll quickly be distracted by the pretty shiny sparkles on the water and move onto your next chapter of insanity.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Many Cancers are already in the year of The Hermit, a time for re-evaluating relationships—or, in Cancer World, who enable and who we permit to enable us. Looks like 2008 will provide a big steaming heap of relationship streamlining, strengthening and severing when necessary. Be sure to collect all money you owe before you have to fire people.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
The Sun. Hooray! How perfect is it to have your home planet hanging above you all year long! The Sun represents warmth, optimism and ultraviolet burns. 2008 will teach you to smile at every fubar, grin at every fucktard and most importantly, know when you’ve had enough and go inside for an aloe bath. The former part of that equation will make you an even stronger and friskier lion as the year goes on, but don’t Pollyanna your way through a minefield. If you don’t get what Sister Mary is saying, go look it up on the Internet or call a jaded friend and get their opinion.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The Hanged Man. Virgo, it is Sister Mary’s most sincere regret to inform you that 2008 is going to kick your bony ass almost as much as 2007 did. Financial woes, heartache, backache, unintentional celibacy—you’re strung up by your own bootstraps and you’re wondering how the hell to get down. In time, the bow will break and the futon will fall and you’ll land on your feet (maybe) and it will be time to start all over. Meanwhile, drink heavily and pretend it’s all a dream.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
The Wheel of Fortune. Libras are funny critters when it comes to change. They’ll dig their stilettos into the dirt and say “No, no, no!!!” at the thought of even changing their underwear. But then Libra is suddenly so curious about the bangles on the new thong, they’ll deny ever having been against it. Libra, you do have a year of changing the thong coming up. But you’ll be very happy with the results.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Justice. Oh, what is it with you? Who do you just HAVE to kill this year that you didn’t bump off last year? Actually, Scorpio, you’re going to be reaping every bit as much Karma as you distribute along the way. Make sure you light the pigeon poo on the right doorstep.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
The High Priestess. So, your year of existential thinking has left you with the residual migraine, correct? SMM thought that you were going to eventually come back to this planet and reside with the sort of normal people again, but it doesn’t look as though it’s going to happen in 2008. The ideas and philosophies you’ve been pondering over the past 18 months will be put into practice in the coming year. For some of you, you’ll quickly learn that the rhetoric was actually rheto-BULLSHIT. Then again, others of you may find you like having a shaved head and wearing orange sari-thingies in the middle of winter. Suit yourself!

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The Empress. Dealing with Mommy Issues??? Better late than whenever. Capricorns will find themselves becoming mothers or marrying mothers or screwing mothers or maybe just calling their mothers a bit more often. Feminine power is key to Capricorns in 2008. If you’re not on good terms with your mom, try to fix that before Valentine’s Day. Maybe she’ll give you one of her Cubic Zirconia and you can propose (or at least swoon) that cutie you’ve been after.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
The Magician. The Magician is said to be the strongest trump in the tarot because that dude knows everything. Guess what? It’s YOU this year! You’re going to have to pull yourself together just enough to keep the rest of the world from exploding. It actually won’t be that hard for you. You’ll find you’ve got supplies and information that others desperately need. It’s about time to payback all those people who let you crash on their floors in 2007.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
The Hierophant. Pisces, you might hate this. But you’re going to find strength in structure this year, primarily in terms of higher institutions of learning. You might even find yourself in Synagogue more than twice in the coming year. It’s going to be a year of aligning yourself with a higher power, which is undoubtedly glorious. Maybe you’ll end up with super powers. That’s a pretty exciting prospect.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SMM still loves you!!!

Hungover.

2008-01-01T15:40:00.000-08:00

Will post tomorrow.

Get over it.

Sincerely,
SMM

P.S. Happy New Year!!!

Oy.

2007-12-23T22:26:00.000-08:00

Sister Mary needs a break and is soaking in a mitzvah of nog at the moment.

Please forgive her lazy indiscretions brought on by holiday celebrations and really good, old movies on the rec room t.v.

Next week....the return of the Horrorscopes with a peek at 2008!

Talk about your Favorite Sag!!!

2007-12-16T11:18:00.000-08:00

My blessed sinners…you only have one week left before the culmination of this year’s consumerist extravaganza arrives at a dramatic end! If you missed Sister Mary’s warehouse (poor wretch…), have no fear! Based on the treasures and travesties of 2007, SMM has created a shopping list for you and all of your favorite fiends!!!

But first…let’s Talk about your favorite Sag…

Message to SMM: are you going to do a thing about the sags or what? i've only been waiting a freaking yr!

Sagittarius is not a naturally patient creature.

If your kid ends up Sagittarius, give them up for adoption. Unless you like the A.D.D. thing.

If you find yourself dating a Sagittarius, save some time and begin pulling handfuls of hair out of your head now.

If you find yourself falling in love with a Sagittarius, the only proper solution is to throw yourself infront of that upcoming A train—or at least go ahead and enroll yourself in therapy.

They are spastic. They are uncontrolled. They are delightful little creatures that are just asking to be smothered in their sleep with their goose down pillows! They probably won't read this—they easily forget to do so. Curious critters who want to know all about you, change the subject before you can finish telling them everything, because there will be some shiny object somewhere much more interesting. They don't give a shit about little shit. They are the best partying people. They are the first ones to tell you to get over it. But you can't get them to stand still long enough to love them the way you want to.

Sagittarius is good to work for and with—so long as they’re interested in the work. Despite Sag’s well-deserved reputation of being flighty, when they’re passionate about something it will take all of their focus and they won’t have as much time to play with you. Sag continues to surprise the people who know them as they seem like playful kittens most of the time…and then they crack down and turn into office-warriors when it’s time to get something done. But then they drop the Nazi act when they take you to the bar at the end of the day.

Actually, the distracted nature is one of Sag’s best qualities. They forget you ever pissed them off, as soon as they’re done being pissed off about it. But don’t expect to stay friends with them after you dump them. If Sag has typed MAJOR DOUCHE next to your name in their cell phone, it’s not ever going back to SORT OF DOUCHE. Save yourself time and don’t make that call.

Sag can be a distant lover. Therapists like to draw “Fears Commitment” on their faces with sharpies if they pass out first. (Right. Like Sag ever passes out first…) They are frisky and kinky and are comfortable with the Poly lifestyle—for awhile. Eventually they crave emotional security, but not until they jump in and out of their partner’s lives for awhile…making them crazy…turning them to drugs…(please see above).

As friends, Sag is loyal and not afraid to tell you when you need to pull your head out of your anus or when you really need to flush old shit away. But they’ll also be your friend till the end, dragging you on planes and buses and runaway SUVs to chase down sailors and help you escape from weird French guys.

With that said, HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY to the Sag’s of the Convent of Sensual Salvation: Anja, Liz, Josi Wails and Yustin!

Welcome to the week of December 17-December 23! It’s beginning to look a lot like Macy’s mechanical holiday village…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
The Rams of Planet Earth spent this year learning how to get along with the rest of us lunatics. If your Aries is happy with you (let’s do hope so…) give them some of your precious roll-over minutes—if that’s available to you—under the advisory that they use them only to satisfy their need to check in with you every five minutes to make sure you’re not fucking up. If your Aries is unhappy with you, avoid leaving automatic weapons in their stocking. In fact, this is a fair warning to all of your Aries friends—happy or unhappy. Eventually, you’ll annoy them again. You probably have already and they haven’t told you yet.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus had a year of getting rid of crusty old habits and picking up new, equally as irritating vices. At least there’s variety there. Most Tauruses had to say goodbye to someone or something they loved dearly. The rest of us thought this person/place or thing was creepy and in need of a job and a hot shower, but we’re adequately feigning sympathy. Drop off a belated Hanukkah present this week that can let Taurus vent when you’re sick of hearing that story. A new journal for the retelling—if they promise never to blog about it again. A special pack of rewritable c.d.s for those old photos that really need to come off the MySpace page. A new Social Security Number, to keep Creepy Situation from ever finding them again.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Sister Mary strongly encourages all those who know and love Gemini to bring over a bag of good strong sedatives—herbal or pharmaceutical, you pick—to remind their favorite twins that this was the year they learned the benefits of slowing down. Keep a secret flask nearby. We all know they’re not going to listen to the messages of the Universe and all drugs act like stimulants on them anyway. The flask will come in handy when they wind up jumping in front of the same subway train. (That’s a symbolic statement, by the way. If you suspect your Gemini does actually want to jump in front of a moving unit of transportation—tie them to a chair and call the White Coats.)

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
We wept all year, didn’t we fellow Crabians? Not that this is different than any other year, granted. This year, we cried because the rest of the Universe didn’t cater to our wants—and our wants are the most important, correct? We cried harder when we realized that because we felt so bad about it. Don’t buy us anything. We feel unworthy. Instead, write us a sappy poem about all the ways we’re awesome. Give us something better to cry about. Our pillows are soggy. If you must purchase, buy us some new pillows.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leos had dual lessons this year—or dueling-lessons, who the hell knows? At least they learned that hiding under the couch is counter productive and kind of disgusting when they come out covered in last year’s cat hair. The first lesson was to stop pushing for something when you know it’s not going to work. The second is to let Mean Old Fate have a turn with your destiny. For this, give your Lion a courage medal like the Wizard did. They’ll appreciate that someone appreciates all the hard work they did on themselves this year. You may even get to cuddle with them!

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgos had a rough time in the second half of 2007. Saturn came in and announced that she’s not leaving for three years. Virgos experienced moves, drastic changes in relationships, job drama—wait. We all did. But Virgo also got the brunt of our drastic changes. While their heads are spinning and they’re trying not to vomit, distract them with a burned disk of the randiest YouTube you can find. The key theme here: THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. Leave it in their computer as a weapon against MyStalking bastards and G-Chat offenders. Let them borrow your headphones so they can use this weapon at work, too.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras don’t like surprises—they like plans. They’ve already told you what they want for Christmas. Now, ordinarily Sister Mary would tell you to simply go get it for them, and save a lot of pouting, but this time, Sister Mary encourages you to go out and get the exact opposite of what they asked for. The Wii? No. The Rubix Cube. Signed first edition of ‘His Dark Materials?’ Uh-uh. A couple of roach-eaten ‘Sweet Valley Highs’ you found in your parents’ garage. This will serve as a helpful reminder that we cannot control what the Universe sends our way. Of course, your Libra won’t speak to you for a few months, but like all good air signs, they’ll get over it.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Just get your Scorpio the nuclear football. They’ve been asking for it for years. Don’t worry. They’re not going to use it. They just want to have it. They know if they blow up the planet, there won’t be anything left to dominate. If you have trouble obtaining this fixture, scented candles are good and a copy of your favorite meditation chants Scorpios got out of balance this year trying to do everything themselves and need to center and go within to face 2008 with flying stingers.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sagittarius spent not only the last year, but the last year and a half on thinking about things in a brand new and often confusing way. This has led to a great deal of moping and whining about. Give your Sag a fresh Cat O’ Nine Tails and promise to use it on them, if they’re still feeling bad about whatever. They’ll get over themselves faster but then they’re going to want to return the favor. Proceed with caution if you like to give more than you like to receive.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
With numerous departures in the lives of our Capricorns, the nicest thing any of us could do would be to set up a new EHarmony profile for them. They’ll politely (sort of) refuse our offer. So, you counter by saying you’ve already done it and plan on screening suitor/ettes for them—just to save them some time. Tell them they’ve had six hundred hits already. (You may need to go create 600 profiles and send them fake messages.) They’ll be so curious they’ll jump all over it and take over from there.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Anything shiny that doesn’t take time to learn how to use (too easily distracted by other shiny things) are your best bets for Aquarius. While Sister Mary would normally encourage you to avoid giving Aquarius more things to distract them…it looks as though they, like their Virgo brethren, could use something to take their mind off hurtful chaos and frustrating departures. Crumple up some tin foil and kick it around the living room. Watch your Aquarius go to battle with your cat. You’ll be entertained, too!

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Our favorite fish struggled through a number of nasty, spiked roadblocks throughout 2007. The Great Bastard in the Sky shat on them right and left, forward and backward. Help get them reset by sending them to the spa. If you can’t afford the spa, set up the kiddie pool with some warm water and a little dried lavender floating on top. Dust off that Enya c.d. and play it softly. Do check their pockets for stones before leaving them alone in the kiddie pool. Not kidding. Some of our Pisces are just that desperate.

Safe travels to all in this glorious time!!! See you next week with a peek at ’08!!!

More for your Mantra...Show next weekend and More from the Sister Mary Warehouse!!!

2007-12-11T04:29:00.000-08:00

Ah, good sinners! Many thanks for your patience. Sister Mary had BUKOS of penance this week—in addition to preparing sandwiches and bottles of beer for the poor and the sober! This week, the twelve signs will each be getting a special mantra to guide them through the next week. Full reports and the Sagittarius description will be back next week!

Lest we not forget, however, the delightful excitement to come!

What: The Ass-tro Hour with Sister Mary Manhattan
When: Sat 12.15 @ 9PM
Where: Stain Bar (766 Grand Street, Brooklyn. Take the L to Grand—walk one block west)
How Much: $FREE
http://www.stainbar.com/

This month features special guests Yenta Claws (Jennifer Glick of the Inga Studtmeier Show and the Lower East Side Match Game ), and burlesque diva Harley Dear (Five time winner Miss Galapagazanga, Spice Variety Show). Tell Yenta Claws if you were naughty or nice this year…the naughtiest guy or girl wins fabulously naughty prizes!!!

And don’t forget!!!! It’s the last week to order a special Sister Mary chart…just in time for that office gift exchange you know you’re dreading so!!!

The Full Chart:
Sister Mary Manhattan breaks down the sun/moon/rising and 12 houses to explain why you (or your favorite brat) is such a crazy bitch or bastard!
$40 (or two for $65)

The Cheap Bastard’s Chart:
For the weak of wallet: Sister Mary Manhattan will break down the sun/moon/rising sign...and leave you wanting more, of course. But it’s a start!
$15 (two for $25, but then you really are being cheap.)

The Douchebag Chart:
For the person you’d rather leave off your list all together, but your mom says you have to get them something. Based on carefully calculated zodiac alignment, Sister Mary will explain why this person is so douche-ish—in a funny, informative way that may help them stop being that way.
$10 (two for $15. If you have more than two douchebags in your life, the problem may not be them…)

The Severe Douchebag Chart:
For the person who ONLY deserves coal…explain to Sister Mary exactly what this Severe Douche did to earn the title, and Sister Mary will personally deliver the coal herself.
$FREE. (You provide the coal.)

Contact Sister Mary at sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com if you would like to purchase.

Welcome to the week of December 10-December 16! Just keep breathing, just keep breathing…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Disruption takes many forms, and few of them are pretty. Focus on laughing at these interruptions and you are less likely to punch in a wall. Broken knuckles=difficulty opening your Hanukah presents.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Enjoy your joy and try to share. If you have not found your joy, look for it in those you love. Look not for it at the bottom of your eggnog at the office holiday party.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
SHUT UP. And don’t drink too much.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Be patient—patience is an effective tool against migraines. Rome was not built in a day, nor torn down in a week. Think about Rome. The weather is nicer, too.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Stiffen that lip and take three deep breaths. Get out of that bed. Moving around will make it harder for Bad Shit to find you.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Give freely and receive without condition. Your open heart is what your therapist lives for.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Slow down and stop to smell the plastic roses. Open your mind and nostrils and you’ll enjoy many new illusions—some may not be illusions after all.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Turn around and go the other way. Now, keep going. When you end up where you started, you’ve gone far enough. You’ll learn a lot too on that little jaunt around the world.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Watch your money. Don’t spend it all on coke.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Be happy. You’re the hottest kid at the party. If people don’t say it, it’s because they’re jealous. Enjoy being envied.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Nothing lost, nothing gained. Where are you, anyway?

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Listen to the careful words of the winos on the street. A message is coming and its sound is discreet. (Cool!!! Sister Mary made a rhyme!!!) Don’t ignore it this time, or you’ll be very, very sorry.

In the confessional....

2007-12-10T05:08:00.000-08:00

It's going to be awhile.

Horrorscopes will be up this evening.

Enjoy your day!!!

xoxo
SMM

Chattering monkeys and balanced equations

2007-12-03T06:26:00.000-08:00

Good morning, Fair Sinners! Let us pray that you have settled your debts and indiscretions with your Sagittarius and Libra comrades, for they are running the entire chart this week: Sag covering the Sun and Mercury: Planet of Communication while Libra has taken hold of the Moon and Venus: Planet of Luv. Miraculously, this week should be full of sacred laughter and blessed debauchery—thank you to Sag—while Libra’s influence will keep Sag’s fanaticism at bay as well as provide some much needed procrastination to distract you from the stress of Holiday Capitalism.

But speaking of Holiday Capitalism…since you’re here…

Don’t forget to shop for your favorite alignment at Sister Mary’s Holiday Warehouse!!!!

The Full Chart:
Sister Mary Manhattan breaks down the sun/moon/rising and 12 houses to explain why you (or your favorite brat) is such a crazy bitch or bastard!
$40 (or two for $65)

The Cheap Bastard’s Chart:
For the weak of wallet: Sister Mary Manhattan will break down the sun/moon/rising sign...and leave you wanting more, of course. But it’s a start!
$15 (two for $25, but then you really are being cheap.)

The Douchebag Chart:
For the person you’d rather leave off your list all together, but your mom says you have to get them something. Based on carefully calculated zodiac alignment, Sister Mary will explain why this person is so douche-ish—in a funny, informative way that may help them stop being that way.
$10 (two for $15. If you have more than two douchebags in your life, the problem may not be them…)

The Severe Douchebag Chart:
For the person who ONLY deserves coal…explain to Sister Mary exactly what this Severe Douche did to earn the title, and Sister Mary will personally deliver the coal herself.
$FREE. (You provide the coal.)

Contact Sister Mary at sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com if you would like to purchase.

Welcome to the week of December 2-December 8! Just when you thought it couldn’t get any weirder…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Since the communication planet is still hanging out in Sag, chances are someone said something downright douche-ish (but well-meaning!) and you, Aries, are severely irritated that you missed the chance to backhand them. Aries, Sister Mary assures you that the opportunity to smack them will not return. Besides, Mercury in Sag also means that people are going to forget the crazy things they’ve said within three minutes, anyway! Punching out the co-worker, friend or feeble old uncle is only going to make you look like an ass and probably get you arrested. Focus this week on pretending your annoyances never happened and you’ll live a much more fulfilling existence.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus’s week is actually going to start out strong—but Taurus isn’t going to see it like that. They’re going to see the departure of the soul-sucking lover as proof of their inadequacy, while not-so-secretly, all their friend are glad you won’t be bringing around Should-Have-Showered-First Guy (or Girl) ever again. Taurus, whether you did have a stinky lover, or you got fired or your cat ran away with the flea circus, this departure is The Great Bastard In The Sky’s way of telling you that you CAN do better. Now, while you’re whimpering into your eggnog over in the corner, keep in mind you’re ignoring lots of hot people at the party. Blot up the mascara runs and munch a breath mint. You look fabulous, by the way...even with the runs.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Nothing to report for Gemini this week. It’s all thoroughly boring. Wait. This just in from the cauldron…Gemini is being pursued by cops or something. Or else their partner is chasing them around with an electric rolling pin. You were supposed to get something done last week and you got distracted. Now, that thing is chasing after you and plans to stick around like hangover nausea. While you’re looking for an excuse, you’re only going to come up with the answer, “Um…I suck?” You know you’ve made this mistake before and you don’t have many ways of evading it this time—save jumping out the window, but that’s messy and you’re not really keen on broken skulls, anyway. Admitting to a fuck-up is the sign of the wise person. Work on being wise this week.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Wake UP!!! Colder weather and warmer blankets are keeping we nesters out of accomplishing anything this week, except making heating up a can of Organic Tomato Soup, served with a slice of smoked gouda…damn. It’s good to be a food-loving Cancer when it’s cold. Now, we had some kind of creative or emotional breakthrough at the end of last week, but we’re too lazy this week to do anything about it. Scary considering the Dude in the Whitehouse is a Cancer who was supposed to be doing something about a peace accord last week…why does Mars have to retrograde through our sign during times of war and holiday shopping? While hibernating for three days straight feels good on our icy toes, it doesn’t do much for the rest of the world and we’ll start getting depressed about it, which will keep us on the couch for another week or so.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Your fellow fire sign having control of the communication center of the zodiac is going to work well for you this week, leonine friend. You’re going to get some helpful information, and hopefully a delightful compliment as well. Your ego could use it—again. Whether this is a lead on a job, an elusive Hanukah present or the home address of the bitch or bastard who stole your high school love, you’ll be on the path you’ve wanted to be on for the next five to seven days. This will ultimately end in a new partnership. You’ll get the job you’re after. You’ll nab the gift for Aunt Ruth. You’ll find that vixen and instead of murdering him or her, will see that they actually are the coolest thing since blue-jean pockets and you’ll fall desperately in love. Enjoy this week. It’ll be good for you.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Did you rob a bank or something? How in the hell does a sign end up with cash in its pocket when Saturn: Planet of Suck is taking a dump in their sun-sign region? Wait, never mind. Looks as though you did formulate some kind of heist, but it’s about to get busted so your entire reading is back to Suck. Yeah, Virgo. No matter how much you thought about it, there isn’t a short-cut out of your time in Saturn. Looks as though the only way to relieve this frustration is to talk to someone you trust about it. Make sure they’re the listening type, not the Give Annoying Advice type, because the only way to get you out of your current predicament is to wait and not get suicidal.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Since you’ve still got Venus in your corner, you’ll still (big news there) be thinking about matters of your flighty little heart. But the moon being in your sign too means you’ll also be thinking about you and how you can better things for others. Lots of introspection and lots of phone calls to trusted psychic advisors—that’s what the cauldron is saying about Libra this week. Just remember that psychic advisors are thoroughly swamped during the Holidays with depressed people, so don’t drain on them too much. You know there are some serious habits you’ll have to break this year, besides those involving nicotine and nose picking. But you’ll have to do most of it on your own. Besides, phone psychics are expensive.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)Despite what the voices in your head keep telling you—you CAN NOT run the planet alone. You have to have advisors and assistants, not just subjects to bring you food and water. Basically, you did too much on your own last week which has created either emotional melt-down, hernia or both. Communication planet in Sag means people seem like they’re mocking you, but that’s your paranoia coming to get you again. Sag people mouth off to everyone and they’re possessing the minds of everyone this week. Try not to kill anyone you may later regret killing.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
So, Sag, this is the week you’ll be able to take over the world, if you can keep your attention on it that long. Domination of even small nations can take as long a year to even get started. Actually, why don’t you focus on controlling a simpler faction? Like yourself? While people are speaking your language in the coming days (Communication Mercury being in your sign), work on healing relationships with people you pissed off over the last few months. Try some loathed brown-nosing to get yourself a raise. Don’t annoy anyone. The last one is a random fact, but should be taken seriously as well.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Well, it’s safe to say that it’s all about you this week, Capricorn. At least in your mind. That’s not such a bad thing, except you’ll be irritated with the rest of the world when they don’t necessarily think the same thing. In their world, it’s all about them. Now, if you’re wondering why after all this time waiting in line to audition for American Idol why you’re still not famous, remember that you’re still in line!!! You haven’t missed any opportunities, yes. They’re coming and probably so many you’ll get dizzy and have a mild-medium panic attack. Some Capricorn, somewhere, is going to hit the big time this week and we all hope it’s going to be you. You. You…

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
The sign of the wizened drunk is to know when to leave the party. Aquarius, you should have embraced that wisdom and called a cab before making out with the burly chick’s date. You weren’t even into this person, anyway, you just like causing trouble. Now, while half the people at the party are bumping you from their MySpace pages in solidarity with burly chick, you may need to make some new friends and not hit on their dates. Some of you may need to consider moving to a different time zone, depending on which burly chick you messed with. In fact, this may be a great idea for all Aquarius this week. Since most of you don’t have the option of moving, consider a fresh disguise.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Yeah, you could have a good week coming your way if you actually get leave your bedroom for a few hours. Good things are in the cauldron for you this week. You’ll have some of those delightful soul-sharing moments with your favorite friends and lovers. But you also may find that you’re being pulled into refereeing a fight between your favorite couple and that’s not a particularly delightful place to be. Be careful which places you get into, because it will take a long time to get out. Pisces, you’ve also been on a course of creative development which you get wishy-washy about. This week, you’ll return to it, even for a brief bit before hiding behind the plastic plants of your mind again. But it’s still a step in a positive direction.

Turkey is done...but Sister Mary's Warehouse lives on!!!!

2007-11-25T17:14:00.000-08:00

Why shop online or at the mall when you can help your favorite asstrologer nun pay off rehab? Super-cool holiday presents for you and yours!!! Email sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com for further details.

The Full Chart:
Sister Mary Manhattan breaks down the sun/moon/rising and 12 houses to explain why you (or your favorite brat) is such a crazy bitch or bastard!
$40 (or two for $65)

The Cheap Bastard’s Chart:
For the weak of wallet: Sister Mary Manhattan will break down the sun/moon/rising sign...and leave you wanting more, of course. But it’s a start!
$15 (two for $25, but then you really are being cheap.)

The Douchebag Chart:
For the person you’d rather leave off your list all together, but your mom says you have to get them something. Based on carefully calculated zodiac alignment, Sister Mary will explain why this person is so douche-ish—in a funny, informative way that may help them stop being that way.
$10 (two for $15. If you have more than two douchebags in your life, the problem may not be them…)

The Severe Douchebag Chart:
For the person who ONLY deserves coal…explain to Sister Mary exactly what this Severe Douche did to earn the title, and Sister Mary will personally deliver the coal herself.
$FREE. (You provide the coal.)

Welcome to the week of November 25 –December 1…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
When we last left Aries, our favorite Rams were attempting to breathe slowly and evenly to weather their family affairs. It looks as though the coming week won’t provide much relief from irritation. You know what Aries loves? Standing in long lines to buy crap they don’t need during a Gemini moon when people are running their mouths like a flesh and blood web feed. (No, they don’t.) Aries, you may need to up your Prozac to temper your inner-Scrooge. The Holiday season is just beginning, but the booze-drenched parties haven’t. Work on getting some more time for yourself or you’re going to have a mess of friends calling Sister Mary for coal delivery.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
With your home planet still hanging out in balanced Libra, don’t start digging up drama just because you’re bored. The new ADD-fused Sag energy and chatter-box Gemini lunar influences increase the potential of migraines on those people around you, and you really don’t need to be adding to that. This week will provide calm seas, so maybe get a jump on your Christmas shopping now that the Shopping weekend lines are winding down. The Flying Monkeys are warning you, however, not to get distracted by swishy fabrics that make your ass look fabulous when you need to buying pretty guest towels for Grandma.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Thank god you snapped out of that lousy mood. We were all starting to get bored. With Mr. Hyde stuffed back in the Prozac bottle, you’re in a fabulous mood to start your Holiday Binging. Oops. Looks like there are more problems on the homefront. Remember that fight you had with your mom/dad/spouse/cousin/milk man/cable guy/domme? Yeah, you forgot all about that, didn’t you? Well, they didn’t. Start buying flowers because people are ready to kick your flakey ass to the curb. Despite your impulse to share your manic thoughts (which is going to be hard, since it’s your moon causing so much indecisive blah-blah). You’d be better off listening right now.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Most of we Cancers slept through the last four days, and only part of that was the anti-Atkins coma. Mars is dragging its sweet ass out of our sign, which means we still feel like leaving the dishes for the cat to lick clean and feeling like blaming Bird Flu to use our last sick day. The good news is that Month Of Sloth is going to last only a few more days and we’ll get this strange, unusual burst of motivation we haven’t seen since August. Maybe we’ll do the dishes and fix the cabinets ourselves, instead of guilt-tripping an ex-lover into doing it. Maybe we’ll finish writing our thank-you notes for our birthday presents. Whatever it is we finally get around to doing, it’s going to put us in a fabulous mood by week’s end and maybe we’ll throw a party! That would be a nice way to kick off the holidays.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Sister Mary doesn’t want you to panic, but the first part of this week is going to kinda suck. Not really suck. Things are going okay for you, but kinda lousy for everyone around you which (of course) you’re going to be inclined to take personally. You can’t do much about it, although buying lunch for a heart-broken girlfriend might tip the Karma jar in your favor. It’s not going to last long, so don’t go throwing yourself off any bridges in sympathy for your drama-queen friends. It looks like relationships are going to get miraculously healthier by Wednesday or something and you may get called to stick up for a mousy co-worker who got thrown under the bus for something someone else did. (You, maybe?) Keep an eye on it.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Hey, cheer up. Saturn: Planet of Suck is giving you a break this week and it looks like some fabulous new project that thrills, excites and scintillates your senses is going to get thrown in your lap during the first part of the week. Don’t go getting distracted when you start getting panicked phone calls from best friends and old lovers in the middle of the night. Learn the power of the off-button on your cell phone. Not that you’re going to listen to the flying monkeys. We all know you’re going to start freaking out when you remember that you don’t hold the controls to the Universe. Step back and let people make their own mistakes for awhile. How many times do you stubborn bastards have to get this reading? You don’t get anymore this week until you think about these things.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
You must work with a Virgo or something, because you’re also getting some super cool project to play with. Although for most Libras, it looks like more of a home project. Maybe you’re busy getting animated snowmen chained to your fire escape so the little shits two floors up don’t snag them again this year. And like Virgo and Leo, you’re also going to be stuck in some kind of drama pool that you didn’t create and you sure as hell don’t have anyway to drain it. Try some of that patience thing again. If you can’t do that, try some of that marijuana thing again. Something to keep you snoozing on the couch and out of the way. We know you want to help, but you’re in more danger of getting sucked down the drainpipe. Go work on your snowmen.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
So, the sun isn’t in your sign anymore. It happens every year, you nut. At least you still have Mercury in your corner, you can still manipulate people in your favor for the next couple of weeks. Hopefully, you haven’t spent the whole time calculating your move and got some work done for yourself—besides hacking into your partner’s Mastercard account to find out what you’re getting for Christmas. This week will be thoroughly productive for you and if you’ve had unwelcome drama over the past few months, you’ll finally throw up your hands and start meddling with something else. More good news for you—when Virgo, Libra and Leo thoroughly ignore Sister Mary’s advice, you’ll end up getting their super-cool projects when they end up in the psych ward.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Happy Birthday, by the way. Don’t drink too much--this week, anyway. You’re going to have too much work to do to mess with a hangover. Wait, forget what you just heard. Some kind of b.s. is going to drive you to the bar. Seriously, though. Try not to get too blasted although it’s going to be a very tempting course of action. Take deep breaths and try not to strangle any assholes this week. Most of the crap is going to resolve itself by Thursday. Give or take a day or two. Watch how many people you try to boss around. While it’s a lot more fun than handling your own garbage, you don’t have the time for it. Don’t look for accolades for your good behavior. First of all, you’re not that well behaved. Second, The Great Bastard in the sky is paying attention, but He’s the only one.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You know, you keep getting this same reading. It’s a good reading, the Blank Canvas, Life is What You Make It, You’re the Goddess of Your Universe or some crap like that. Why does this keep coming up? Is it because you’re not actually doing anything with your blank canvas? Changes are on the way for Capricorn this week, and it’s the beginning of blossoming or decay, depending on how you work it. Do something good with it because a disheveled Goat is a rancid sight. It’s a great week to watch some Lifetime re-runs and journal your feelings or some shit. Let some stuff go so you can have plenty of room to draw up new, more interesting drama.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Clearly, SOMEONE didn’t listen to their inner cricket…why are you chasing your tail-less ass? You’re not missing out on anything. Aquarius, you must accept the fact that you are indeed the coolest person you know and no where, anywhere else are people having more fun than you’re having. Whether clubbing, tripping, or watching midget wrestling on late-night cable, no one is having more fun than you are. Right now. The Flying Monkeys indicate that you’re going to fall into an uncharacteristic bout of the bitchies this week. Fortunately, it won’t last long. You’ll be friendly and attractive again by week’s end, and may even reunite with a long-lost college sweetheart who didn’t suck as much as you remembered! The holidays are good for that, and they’re only just beginning!

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Well, Intuitive One…you do realize the people asking you for help at the moment are perfectly capable of fixing their own broken lives, but would rather have you do it because they’re lazy rat-bastards? Whether you admit that you’re aware of this or not, try to get something out of it—even if it’s only free lunch. Your survival in the coming week is based solely on your attitude, so try extra hard not to bring out your old standby, “Why bother, we’re all dead in 2012, anyway…” Be careful not to snap at anyone, as you know you’re going to feel super bad about it, later. A necessary departure is coming up by week’s end. Maybe the free-loader is finally off the couch. You know you need to find a better place to find roommates than at the bus station.

SISTER MARY'S HOLIDAY WAREHOUSE!!!!

2007-11-19T18:34:00.000-08:00

Mammy Superior delivers a stiff flogging if Gift Giving Season is mentioned even an hour before the turkey is carved, but Sister Mary wants to get a jump on all of your other astrologer nuns….

WELCOME TO SISTER MARY MANHATTAN’S HOLIDAY WAREHOUSE!!!

Perfect for all of your Christmas/Kwanzaa/Hanukah/Solstice needs…

The Full Chart:
Sister Mary Manhattan breaks down the sun/moon/rising and 12 houses to explain why you (or your favorite brat) is such a crazy bitch or bastard!
$40 (or two for $65)

The Cheap Bastard’s Chart:
For the weak of wallet: Sister Mary Manhattan will break down the sun/moon/rising sign...and leave you wanting more, of course. But it’s a start!
$15 (two for $25, but then you really are being cheap.)

The Douchebag Chart:
For the person you’d rather leave off your list all together, but your mom says you have to get them something. Based on carefully calculated zodiac alignment, Sister Mary will explain why this person is so douche-ish—in a funny, informative way that may help them stop being that way.
$10 (two for $15. If you have more than two douchebags in your life, the problem may not be them…)

The Severe Douchebag Chart:
For the person who ONLY deserves coal…explain to Sister Mary exactly what this Severe Douche did to earn the title, and Sister Mary will personally deliver the coal herself.
$FREE. (You provide the coal.)

To purchase or for further information, drop Sister Mary an email at sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com

Welcome to the week of November 18-24!!! As the days get shorter, it leaves more time for cuddling your favorite alignment by the radiator…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
With your home planet finally going into blessed Retrograde…our Aries friends took the opportunity to listen, learn and let their s.o. or buddy or whoever get a word in for once. Their clammed-up position over the past few weeks finally gave way…but, now you’ve got to listen to them. Uh-oh, it looks as though Aries is going to disagree. Practice some of those yoga breaths (you did take a class once, if you recall!) and back away slowly. This one is not worth the battle. The good news is that this frustrating communication (so long as you pull the horns in) will provide the beginnings of better communication in the long run! Bite your lip and let the other person win. This time.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Not a bad beginning for Taurus this week, who is going to have a momentous break-through and solve the climate crisis or something. Maybe you’ll beat Paris Hilton in the founding of the Pachyderm AA group! Whatever it is you do to save the world this week, Taurus, don’t think it’s going to be easy. Inspiration is the easy part, as it turns out. And lots of obstacles are going to pop up like the teen-porn spam in your inbox. The main thing that’s going to screw you up this week will be hasty decisions. Hear that? No eloping, even if you’ve known the person for more than a week. Try super hard to listen to other people’s ideas. A couple of them might actually help you save the world. It’s tough going on your own.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Chaotic events of the past few weeks led to the rare—but not unheard of—Gemini retreat to the bedroom. While this is good for your own sanity, your unshowered body is gathering complaints from neighbors two floors up. Besides, your friends miss you because things are boring without Gemini. They may even disown you. Kind of a worst-case scenario, but why take the risk? Actually, relationship ruptures are pretty likely this week and should one happen, it was probably time and you knew it months ago. Fortunately, this room on your dance card leaves for many new lovers and friends far sexier than the old ones. So-and-so was getting a little doughy, anyway. You were just too nice to say anything. Intentionally.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Well, Mars is still kind of hanging around. The War Planet is in retrograde, which means it’s leaving—thank Goddess. So while we’re finally getting re-attuned to our peaceful, nurturing selves we missed so much, we’re also getting kind of lazy. Remember how we pumped the friggin’ elliptical every night at the gym to bust some of that crazy aggression out? We really can’t give into our sudden bouts of laziness in the season of Mashed Potatoes and Mommy’s pumpkin pie. A bit of depression may come along with the Mars retrograde, since we’re suddenly feeling less creative and less able to kick the asses of the other Cardinal signs. Remember that it’s okay to cry into our red wine, so long as we don’t drink the whole bottle. Try to have some kind of restraint.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Did last week ever improve? Even a little? The Flying Monkeys are saying that yes, indeed, you did stick up that pretty little chin and muscle through the b.s. Good kitty! Now, you promisepromisepromise not to drag last week’s ridiculousness into this one? Pretend the bad things never happened and Sister Mary promises that the Universe will follow suit. You can pout all you want but it’s only going to make us avoid you at the bar. Just be glad you’re not Gemini. Did you read their reading this week? They’re far worse off than you. In fact, go make some money. If you don’t have a job, go panhandle. It will distract you from your problems and then you can go buy something pretty. You like pretty, don’t you?

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
What to say to you, Virgo? Ye who only reads this for avoiding bad news. This week, Virgo, you have the ability to do just that if you just shut up. The annoying situation you currently find yourself in is probably your own doing, but just as likely it’s from a series of chaotic events. You can’t stick your fat nose in it this time. If you do, you’re only going to make it worse. Dust off that rubix cube and distract yourself for twenty minutes while the other helmet-cases try to get out of it. The flying monkeys also think it’s a good time for you to lose the books you know you’ll never re-read, and ditch the beanbag chair. It smells and is keeping you from getting laid. There are other areas of your life that need ass-kicking, and guaranteed, they’re not the areas you’ve been focusing on for the last few weeks.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
With your home planet still where it belongs, with you—pretty Libra—you’ll find that this week, you’re still focusing on romance, friendships, romance, family relations, romance, sex, and romance. It’s cheap entertainment, anyway. Especially if you’ve managed to con the kitten you’re dating into paying. Be careful you’re not so into making the relationships work that you’re compromising yourself into a therapy session. Stand your ground. Don’t foresee devastating break-ups for most Libras this week (although it’s surely happening somewhere), so don’t be afraid to dig your little heels into the concrete. Unless you spent a lot of cash on those heels. Communication will be difficult for you this week. Mercury, communication planet, is still in Stupid Scorpio, which means conversations are going to be weird and stilted. Expect it and let it go.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Continue to hone your plans for world domination. We’re all still running in circles while the Communication Planet is still in your world of double-speak. Ha ha ha…says Scorpio. “I shall align the planets so that it shall ALWAYS be such!!!” Nice try, evil one. Even you are incapable of such a thing. The flying monkeys send a warning—lock up your possessions, your lovers and your kids. The Drama Train is coming your way and plans to knock you on your ass, first. The good news is that while it’s gonna SUCK…it’s also gonna move away the psychic clutter preventing you from getting your shit done. You’ll be glad once it’s over, so take deep breaths and drink heavily in the meantime.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
As you’re making your grand exit out of Weird Thinking Land (brought to you by eighteen months of Planet Jupiter…) keep a watchful eye on your belongings and cash in the coming days. Don’t get so drunk you leave your credit card with the bartender for a week. Watch how many morons borrow dough from you. You’re going to need to be a little more selfish in the coming weeks. Sister Mary has already explained the situation to the Hanukah Fairy, so you won’t come up short on presents this year. Santa, on the other hand, may require some bribery. The reason you need cash is because Planet Suck is bouncing on the great trampoline in the sky. While most of it’s on Virgo, you’re going to feel the ricochet and it’s not going to be pretty. Keep a nice cushion of cash on hand for your Taurus buddies to come bail you out of jail. Hope you’re currently on good terms with all of them.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Avoiding people was a smart move last week, as it kept you in a safe place while the rest of the world went to Hell. Now, since you’re in a position of such strength, now would be a good time to start gathering and garnering your ass-ets. Don’t start bugging your boss for a raise. It’s the holiday season for Christ’s sake! You’re not going to get anywhere with that. But you can start sucking up in a big way. Don’t go cheap on your office holiday presents—but don’t be too extravagant either. The coming New Year will continue to bring you an increase in power and prestige among those who know and love you—and even those who think you’re kind of a shit sometimes. It’s back to that friggin’ blank canvas thing you’ve been getting so much lately. You’re going to take from the world what you put into it, so don’t start out by whining over what you don’t have. You’ll only get whimpering back. Kinda would suck to start the year like that. Start out on top. If you like it that way.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
You nut. While you were off promoting or planning or hunting and executing, something was left undone at the homefront and you’re going to be sleeping on the couch for the next few nights. That’s okay. This wake-up call from your loved ones will bring you much needed clarity and you’ll stop taking your sweeties for granted. Now, you’re going to be required to pick up at least one stinky mess that you didn’t create. It’s your turn, so don’t avoid it. You, like Capricorn, have a blank slate coming in the New Year. Don’t fill it up with cocaine, fill it up with sunshine or some shit like that. Enjoy your holidays, but this time, you’re going to either have to pick up the tab on a few extra cabs or plan to be the designated driver a few times. Other people have picked up your drunk ass enough times.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Take a deep sip from the flask, Senor/ita Pisces. Your upcoming Holiday season will require such action. Expect a mess of emotion to come flying out with the gravy this Thanksgiving and you, again, will be required to be the friggin’ conduit of hope. “All is well!” Pisces will lie. But their extended families will be grateful for such a falsehood. Make sure to take time away from the madness so your blood boils only minimally. Hate to tell you this, but the Great Bastard in the Sky is providing you with another test of patience. Of course, that’s the grand scheme out of all holidays, but this one will prove particularly poignant in taking care of such things. Be the shoulder to cry on and the box that provides the Kleenex. It will come back to you, 69-fold. Sister Mary promises.

Trapped under a filing cabinet....

2007-11-19T04:22:00.000-08:00

Sister Mary will return with horrorscopes this evening. Promise.

A Conversation with a Scorpio...

2007-11-11T15:27:00.000-08:00

Below please find a recent conversation between Sister Mary Manhattan and a Scorpio Male:

Scorpio: Wanna hear something insane? I’ve recently thought about becoming an RN.

SMM: Hmmm….where did that come from?

Scorpio: I dreamt I was a doctor. Anyway, I’m slowly shaking that feeling.

SMM: Why shake it?

Scorpio: Because it’s sort of messed up. Imagine you’ve accidentally cut yourself badly, or you were in a serious but non-life threatening accident. And you go to the hospital, scared. And I’m your nurse. Would you trust me with a needle? Or a tongue depressor?

SMM: Are you talking me me, or the General Population Me?

Scorpio: Both

SMM:
General Population Me: yes. As a Scorpio, you come across as calm, collected, in control and knowing more than everyone else. Plus, Scorpios generally want well-being for the general world. They’d like to be in charge of it, though. And they’re usually quite good at it. While their tactics may make us nervous, the General Population trusts your authority. Me me: HELL NO. We have a sordid romantic past which ended with five years of icy silence. As friendly as we are now, I would enter the ER, see your face and panic, knowing your Scorpio tendency to wreak revenge over a deep-seated resentment is quite close to the surface and I wouldn’t let you near me with that f*cking needle.

Scorpio: “Oops, looks like I injected you with Morphine! Nighty night!”

Yes, children. As the days grow shorter and colder, so enters our most simultaneously loved and loathed sign, SCORPIO!

Many a Scorpio has accused Sister Mary of being unduly cruel and vicious to Scorpio in her readings. First of all, please remember that Sister Mary is cruel to all signs. Scorpio only thinks they’re getting the shaft because they’re bunch of paranoid loons, often too focused on what’s “going on with them” to remember that other signs exist.

Ah, well. We all have those tendencies.

Two of the great things Scorpio gave the planet include intensely hot sex and calm, cool revenge. Don’t scoff and think your sign invented the former. We have to give them credit for something and Scorpio’s sign does rule the genitals. And don’t pretend to be appalled by calm, cool revenge. If you had the cash to bribe Mammy Superior into cursing your most loathed ex with a nasty STD, you’d do it. Better yet, go bribe a Scorpio to do it. Your local Scorpio is guaranteed to have a secret library full of occult books and has already highlighted at least seven recipes to suit your needs.

Remember how you were warned not to forget Libra’s birthday? The same holds true for Scorpio. However, you’re not going to have the luck you had of being reminded consistently for a month prior to the date that it’s coming. In fact, they may resort as to burying all personal information with their birth date attached and enjoy watching you hound their relatives for a clue about it. They’ll pretend they don’t care, but very much want to have their five closest friends arrive (they keep their intimate numbers small) with wine and fancy delicacies to watch a highly intellectual film of some sort—probably something with a dirty, yet tasteful, flavor to it.

Mistake it not, your Scorpio likes to party. But they also like to get away from it all, and make it very clear who is on their short list of acceptable people to let into the house.

In the nature of things being meticulous, organized, focused and All About Scorpio…read the following list of instructions should you ever find a Scorpio in your social circle or household.

Things you should do around a Scorpio:

-Tell them they’re awesome, but not if it’s coming out of your ass. They’ll know. Scorpios come across as quite secure of themselves, but like reassurance, and don’t like to be lied to.

-Ask their advice. They like to help. Be prepared for rather cryptic advice that may only make sense on your next shroom trip. At least it’s in there.

-Tell them about your sexcapades. Even if you’re dating them, they’ll want to hear all about what you did before you met them. Give them every sexy, steamy, sticky detail.

-Bring them small, homemade gifts—particularly if it has a secret meaning only the two of you will know. It will create a glow in their beady little eyes.

-If you work with a Scorpio, partner with them. They’re planning to run the company first, then the world, and they’ll give you lots of money, land and servants if you help them achieve what they’re looking for. So long as it doesn’t conflict with their agenda, they will be consistently supportive of yours.

-Sleep with them. They go all night and they’re extremely attentive to what makes you happy. It strokes their ego to get you off, so everybody wins!!!

Things you should NEVER do to a Scorpio:

-Make them jealous. They’re already jealous. They’re naturally jealous creatures. They’ll plot your death.

-Touch their IPod. In fact, don’t touch any of their shit, but DEFINITELY not the IPod. Scorpios love technology, first of all, and probably went into debt getting a bootleg version of their current IPod, one yet to be released to the public. Second, their IPod has a meticulous arrangement of songs that suit each moment of the oncoming day and if you mess up 11:14 a.m. Coffee Break Interlude, it will throw them out of alignment/attunement. They’ll plot your death.

-Even REMOTELY allude to the possibility that you’ve ever, ever, EVER had sex that was even in the same universe as good as what you had with Scorpio. Even if that’s a lie, don’t tell them that. They’re very sensitive. Even though they say it’s okay, they’ll be quite sad and later, they’ll plot your death.

-Touch their significant other without their expressed, written consent. A handshake may require a visa. If you do such a thing, particularly if you sleep with their significant other without this expressed, written consent, the Scorpio may feign forgiveness and simulate understanding, but you can be assured that they will plot your death.

-Cheat on them without their expressed, written consent. They may very well deliver their consent—they get kinky that way. They may even want to select the person with whom you stray. Expect to be asked to deliver a full report with specific details. But if straying is a no-no with your Scorpio, or if you pick someone your Scorpio disapproves of, leave the continent. They will plot your death.

-Tell any Scorpio what Sister Mary is about to tell you: they are beautiful, sexy creatures with more depth and wisdom than most of the rest of us have. Their crazy minds are too big to fit on this tiny planet which is why the rest of us can’t figure them out worth a crap. If you tell any Scorpio what you’ve just read, Sister Mary will plot your death.

Happy birthday to Anasua, Larissa, Maggie, Margaret Dodge, Heather, Misha, Velocity, Oliver and Mr. Ross!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sister Mary does like you and some of you, very much so! Don’t tell anyone.

Welcome to the week of November 11-17!!! As the days get shorter, it leaves more time for cuddling your favorite alignment by the radiator…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
With your home planet still kicking it in Cancer—and the fact that this season has provided one randy debacle after another—Aries kids can be found curled up in front of the television with their shmoopy, if they’ve got one, or just their blankie, if they don’t. Aries, now is a good time to hide from the crazy world out there—especially since it’s cold now and you can’t go backless to the club. Why go out, if you can’t do that? Aries is going through a change right now, and if you got through puberty and you’re pretty sure the hot flashes are due to crappy steam heat, it’s probably some kind of personal thing your therapist has been trying to get you to grasp for at least three sessions now. My flying monkeys say this has something to do with the shmoopy currently drooling on your shoulder. Be nice to your friends and lovers if you’ve got ‘em. Some kind of disappointment may show up at the end of the week (making room for opportunity!!! Don’t get growly!!!), and you’ll need the loving hugs and cold beer provided by those who love you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Now, with YOUR home planet safe in the arms of balanced and friendly Libra, things probably won’t suck for you this week in Romance land. Even if you’re not getting laid with all the hot kittens you’ve been pining for, you’ve finally come to accept this as your fate, particularly when you look around and see multitudes of couples attempting to gnaw each other’s eyes out. Frankly, it’s a better use of your time for you to be keeping an eye on things on the job. Your cube-mate is tracking your G-Chat hours. You may have to (crap…) try to get to work a little earlier, or better yet, sneak back in an 5:45, and catch the spying cube-mate wanking off to kiddie porn or something. Balance out the blackmail. Actually, if you catch your cube-mate looking at kiddie-porn, kill the bastard. Or get him fired, anyway. Your G-Crack hours will be forgiven and you’ll have a blissfully quiet cube all to yourself for awhile!

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Ick. Gemini is in the land of Suck where romance is concerned. Let’s hope it’s one of those “growing things” and won’t last long. But if you’ve felt recently that your partner’s entrance into a room brings a psychic prison door clang as well, maybe you need to take a little walk to the park and get some space. If you don’t have a honey, and you’re still stalking your married neighbor, maybe you need to take a break from that as well. Do you know what bad news usually portends in the Universal Book of Truth that Sucks? Bad news usually portends more bad news, and if you’re having problems at home, they’re going to double when it turns out that your upstairs neighbor passed away blissfully in his/her sleep last night. Unfortunately, that neighbor was also kind of senile and forgot they were doing the dishes when they went to bed. Running water, symbolic or actual, may cause your kitchen ceiling to fall through. Be nice to your partner, or on the flipside, don’t look suspicious to your neighbor’s spouse. In either case you’re probably going to need to call on them for help.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Yep, Mars is still here. Until the end of the calendar year, which means New Years is going to be awesome!!! We’ve been hiding away too much in the last few weeks, but damn. It’s really cold outside. Fortunately, we’ve brought out our cozy, comfy sweaters and have been burning scented candles to get rid of Sister Mary Queens’ cigar odor. Our homes are neat and tidy, which means we have no choice but to stop ignoring our personal lives. Instead of waiting for people to come and invite us out for beer and nachos, we may have to call them. This is doubly important and here’s why: we have a nasty disruption of our own, that may cause icky stomach discomfort. Hopefully, it was only Friday’s take-out. But if it’s not, we may have to team up with Gemini, who’s likely going to be on this crash course with us. Despite the chatter, they’re good in a crisis.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
You’re just not taking well to anything these days, are you? Sister Mary is wont to blame the Scorpio influence, but she’s ALWAYS blaming the Scorpio influence. Leo, who is so easily affected by the bullshit around them, needs to learn when to shut off the cell phone, close the chat window and turn off the television. Just getting evening news previews makes you start to plan how you could jump in a little plane and go pass out sacks of rice, and cry when you realize you’re down to half a box of Uncle Ben’s and aren’t getting paid until Thursday. Leo, you simply cannot take on the UN’s missions alone. Even if you give up your job and all your possessions and get yourself overseas, you’ll only be able to put a little bandaid on a much bigger problem. The same goes for the life of those around you! Little bandaids are helpful. Don’t forget to put them on the things in your own life as well.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Well….SOMEONE (Virgo…) didn’t take Sister Mary’s advice last week and is finding themselves running into that damn brick wall again. While it’s good that you’ve listened and tried to judge fairly, your head is getting in the way of your gut again and that’s why the brick wall looks like a yellow brick road. It’s not an acid flashback. They lied to you about those. Look around and find out if getting everyone to listen to you is really important. Do you need them to do what you say, or do you simply need a place to vent? Before you have a stroke or get a broken nose, talk to a trusted friend and let go of the things you can’t do anything about. Most things will improve on their own.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Yay, Libra! All this change has done fabulous things for your home and your appearance. You feel like a new person now that you’ve gone red, and think Cribs is retarded for not putting your apartment on the show. (Here’s a hint: they’re not into IKEA and potpourri. Get a naked chick to swim in your fish tank and maybe it’ll sell.) But, hey! You’re going to have another breakthrough this week! It turns out that the nails and the hair and the eco-friendly washer/dryer combo didn’t actually change the YOU part of you, and for that, we’re all grateful. Now, if you’re going after Buddhism to get those changes you desire, understand that it may take several lifetimes to reach enlightenment. Maybe take some Reiki courses—you can be a master in 3 weeks or something! But if you’re having trouble rushing enlightenment or your local Reiki instructor is out of town on a Raw Foods retreat for a bit, stay calm and don’t get icky. We love you as you are, and your hair does, by the way, look spectacular.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Sun in Scorpio, a new moon in Scorpio? Are you trying to kill us? It’s a complicated time for the rest of us, but Scorpios are reveling in their own cosmic energy, garnering strength and kicking ass all across the Cosmos. Now, for the frustrating news. The chaos your sign brings is making everyone else insane. Suddenly, you’re the recipient of sobbing phone calls, you’re breaking up fights (what? You???) at the bar. With power comes the responsibility of having to deal with other people’s garbage. Don’t get worried if you don’t know how to help those around you. Pay attention to what it is they’re not saying. Aren’t you supposed to be the psychic one? Go read one of those books on constructive communication and make a power-point presentation for all of your friends. They may not find it helpful, but any excuse to get people to bring liquor to your house is a good thing. Maybe everyone will get drunk and start screwing one another. Now, THAT, they’ll thank you for.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Not that you’d ever admit it…but you’re pretty damn upset about something. You got dumped, or dumped someone you kinda thought was cool, or your roommate got sent back to Bulgaria…whatever the case. You’re pretty sorry you had to see that someone go. We all know you’re upset, little Sag. You’re wasting your breath when you lie! While you’re drawing up that Craig’s list ad, understand that the immigration department gave you a gift when they deported your mail-order “bride.” Not only does it open the doors to meet new cool people, you’ve got even more cool stories to share at the Moth! Now, if these glorious new cool people don’t show up, or if you don’t get your name drawn, don’t be sad. It wasn’t meant to be. However, the flying monkeys are pleased to report that there is a new partnership on the way for Sag. Whether business or pleasure, be sure to get back to us with juicy details.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The death of Norman Mailer has affected many of us Capricorn, but you’re acting as though no one will ever publish a book again. True, the movement to the Pod and the Web means more stuff to read is electronic, but that doesn’t warrant cutting up your library card. Yet. Unless you’ve got a good line on Jesus (let me know if you do, he has my shoes), there’s no chance of bringing the old bastard back to life. And there will be other writers, and maybe one of them will live up to one of your merciless standards. Until that genius appears and pleases you, they say Rowling is coming out with a new series.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Congratulations! You win the sexiest sign award this week! Someone who blew you off awhile ago is back to kiss your ass, sweep you off your feet and carry you away to the backseat of the car. Now, be sure this person doesn’t just want what’s left of your checking account. The last time YOU checked, there wasn’t much to see, there. Actually, it looks as though this person has good things to share with you. Even if it’s not sex, they may have other presents for you. Or, they’ll take the place of your gassy-roommate who’s still not caught up on February’s rent. They’re here to help you and you’ll have a good time. Let this be a warning not to get distracted and run away with the circus when this friend comes to town. You won’t get a third chance.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Slowly coming back to earth brings the dry heaves and the bends. You’d much prefer to go curl up under the radiator with the cat and wait for the bad things to disappear. The truth is, Pisces, the bad things you ran away from simply aren’t there. The flying monkeys want you to know that there are delicious opportunities sitting outside and purring for you, but they’ll wander away if you don’t run out there and pick ‘em up. However, in these opportunities, it’s important not to bring the past of “Boy, that sucked,” or the ignorant “It’s going to be perfect!!!” along with you. Understand that there are parts of both in both and that you’re not alone in any of it. Take your time and enjoy the dance.

And...we're back!!!!

2007-11-06T07:38:00.000-08:00

Ah, the retrograde has passed at last…so if you’re still finding yourself returning phone calls without promptness, rolling into work disheveled and hungover, crashing computers with illegal downloads and copious pornography—the only heavenly body you can blame is your own. The gloriously sinister Scorpio moon is a great time for garnering power. The Libra moon will keep you in balance, however, so that you don’t end up turning yourself into a great Lord/Lady of Destruction. While you’re twitching your mustaches over this one, don’t forget to make your weekend plans!!!

The Ass-tro Hour with Sister Mary Manhattan
Sat 11.10 @ 9PM Stain Bar
(766 Grand Street, Brooklyn. Take the L to Grand—walk one block west)
$FREE
www.stainbar.com

This month: the Scorpio Birthday Party! You don't have to be a Scorpio to show up, but if you are a Scorpio, you DEFINITELY should because you'll get all the attention you crave, plus there will be a cake! Special guests Jennifer Glick will read Cosmo's Bedside Astrology Guide and Larissa Fuchs of Gemini and Scorpio will speak on the art of Scorpio seduction. Co-Hosted by Hymen: The Demon Puppet of Awesome.

Welcome to the week of November 4-10!!! Sister Mary missed you dreadfully…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Slow and steady wins the race, right? Yeah. Sure. Try to tell an Aries that. In fact, try and tell that to anyone who just finished running the New York marathon. Actually, don’t try and tell an Aries that. The steam will increase and blow their ears right off. Actually, Aries, you’ve had to put that annoying theory to the test this year and drum your fingers while watching the paint dry on your masterpiece. The good news is that the Great Bastard in the Sky will be supplying you with a special helper on this long-winded journey. Don’t do your Aries thing and fold up. This person or persons, no matter how “special” they may be, will supply some much needed inspiration to finish that goddamn project. You’ll probably need to buy these helpers dinner, so don’t spend too much money on bootleg DVDs this week.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Maybe it’s you who’s supplying Aries’s inspiration! It kind of looks as though they’re going to run off with it, so you’d better cash in on that dinner arrangement. Actually, whatever you’re stuck on has to do with your still analyzing why the July Cape Cod fling in June never called. It wasn’t Vegas or anything. You should have at least gotten an email, right? Taurus, you’re tailspinning in something that’s not important and it means your flashes of brilliance are coming through kinda dim and icky-smelling. Stop being cranky about things not going your way and go buy a new outfit. Get some kick-ass boots to go with it so you can appropriately kick some ass, which you’re going to have to do come week’s end. Be ready—in style.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Oh, you poor thing. Some kind of door had to be closed this week for Gemini. That’s right. You may have had to fire a dozen or so of your lovers which makes you sad, because they were so much fun in the sack—even if they turned out to be such randy skanks of human beings in the real world. That’s okay. You learned that one only needs three or four kind-hearted, sweet and loving bedmates and not a football team of flakey ones. Sister Mary sees in the cauldron some type of disruption toward the end of the week, so whether that’s a flat tire, a terrible cold, a terrible rash or simply a minor mental breakdown, this so-called moment of bad luck will give you the chance to survey what is lovely and delicious about your life and the opportunity to figure out ways to multiply that. Attempt to focus, You of the ADD Tendencies. Helpful bad luck doesn’t always come as often as we’d like.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
With Mars STILL in our realm, it’s safe to say that Cancerians STILL aren’t fully fit for human interaction. A more sane world would provide Cancerian Spas for times when the War Planet is taking a dump on our heads—a place for Cancerians to do mud masks, eat comfort foods and take things far too personally, far away from the rest of society. However, we don’t live in that sane world. Cancerians still have to get their crabby asses out the door and to the job. Like Gemini, we too are going to run across a helpful distraction. If we are in the car with the Gemini when the tire goes flat on the side of the spooky, scary freeway, we will need to take this moment to close our eyes and ears to the Gemini panic-chatter and go within to our happy place. Cultivate warm, fuzzy feelings from within and attempt to bring them closer to the surface. Once we get through the first streak of Helpful Bad Luck, we’re going to run across some Less Than Helpful Bad Luck which may just send us into a weeping coma if we’re not ready for it.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
The week will start out rather quiet for our frisky Leos, who are probably still nursing themselves back to sobriety after their Halloween festivities. It is safe to say that you, Leo, were definitely the sexiest cat in the place. But something happened at this party that made you want to return to your safe little place beneath the couch, but you’re being good and getting that upper lip as stiff as can be! This is a good time to ignore the want-to-be-helpful-but-kinda-make-it-worse people who will pepper you with unwanted advice. Instead, take a few words from the guy asking for cash in a paper cup on the sidewalk. He’s the one who has all the answers. The unlikely piece of wisdom you find may bring you to sniffles and tears, but you needed to get it out anyway. No sense turning mildewy on the inside.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Oh, goody! Not only is Virgo wading through the frustrations inherit when Saturn comes to play, but now Venus is making a visit as well! This doesn’t (necessarily) mean, Virgo, that you’re going to get dumped or stood up or matched with someone lame at a Speed Dating meet-up. It does mean, however, that your chronic analyzing will be turned to matters of the heart. When the little cartoon hearts are suddenly nowhere to be found, it’s a good time to sit and look into that magic mirror (Mammy Superior has one. I can arrange for you to borrow it, if you want.) and concoct the perfect person to ride up on horseback. Ignore for a second that you probably live in a place where horses aren’t around, that you don’t quite believe in magic mirrors and that Mammy Superior scares you. You, Virgo, are taking the beauty out of your reading by analyzing it too much. Just try the magic mirror—even if it’s only the one in your head. Someone unbelievably sexy will look back at you.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Well, the moon being in your sign this week is good for the majority of people—we’re going to pick up on your naturally sympathetic, let-it-go, shop until you drop the blues mentality. It’s not great for you, however, because you’re going to take even longer than usual deciding between pumpkin spice and eggnog lattes. Yeah, your moon is going to provide some rancid indecision. But, as it seems to be the theme through the cosmos this week, you’re also going to experience a breakthrough which will help you decide on at least one of the issues at present. Then, of course, you’re going to freak out and wonder if the tattoo can be removed or changed. Maybe you shouldn’t have put your lover’s initials on your forehead? Maybe somewhere more discreet? Take some time to be alone with your tattoo (this is symbolic for “decision”) and accept that it’s been made and can’t be changed. Chances are you’re going to grow to love your lover even more than the weird tattoo on your forehead. You can always grow bangs.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Whether you’ve been characteristically hiding from the celebrations surrounding your birth, or whether you’re actually allowing yourself to enjoy them this year, you are wise to keep your eye on the barfly chatting up your boy/girlfriend. Your sign makes everyone feel more powerful and sexier. Of course, you’re Scorpio and knew this was coming long before. Sucks to be psychic, doesn’t it? Cancerians understand. Some people might call us all paranoid, but we all know better. Anyway, watch out for dropped calls and miscommunications. You’re still getting the Karmic backlash for allowing Mercury to Retrograde through your sign. You can say it’s not your fault, but you’re going to be blamed for it, anyway. Careful who you get pissed at in the coming days. More people are likely to delete your from their Facebook, as your sign also brings the tendency to mistake friends for douchebags.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Ah, endings endings are no fun. Endings, endings, drink some rum. This time, you’re too tired from the drama to even give the situation another try. It’s a quality many a Taurus, Capricorn and (eek) Cancerian could learn from—we who never let anything go. It’s a good time to go manic and clean out the stacks of moldy dirty mags—some so dirty even Sister Mary isn’t allowed to mention them. Fortunately, your last few weeks with Jupiter in your sector is keeping you mindful of that super-annoying “big picture.” That’ll help you through this particular ending, but may make you come across as an aloof asshole. It’s not true, but other people might get pissy with you for it. Your next phase (don’t ask me when it starts. My flying monkeys are taking a wee.) is going to be whatever you want it to be. Which is deftly cool. Make sure you fill that void with something delicious.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The Scorpio time is a confusing one for our pragmatic, down to earth Goat friends. People are acting all shady, feels as though everyone is talking in riddles. You are not alone in your frustration. Some of us like the chaos. Capricorn doesn’t. But the world (this time) isn’t gearing up to make you miserable. The Universe is giving you a blank slate to keep you quiet for a little while. Use it to draw something pretty and make this time into something fabulous. Unfortunately, this mumbo-jumbo Scorpio time is going to make some kind of communication confusing on the home front. Be sure to use extra-small words with your partner. However, even in the midst of plate-throwing and rolling-pin injuries, some kind of clarity is going to come through. Yay! You get your own breakthrough to take home with you! Use it wisely and do NOT allow it to seed more drama. Watch a soap, if you need distraction that badly.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
This is not like you, Aquarius. Must be the Scorpio influence. Now YOU’RE not getting over something that should have been gotten over, like, an eon or two ago. Now, your drastic action is to run away run away run away. This is a very bad idea. You’ll hurt someone’s feelings and even though you’ll forget it ever happened, they’re not likely to forget and won’t want to play with you when you call them next month to see what’s up. The next word from the cauldron (well, wordS) says DON’T BE HASTY YOU CRAZY NUT. It only looks as though you’re getting a shorter reading this week. That’s because you only have one message.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Some kind of sadness and strife came to visit our fish friends this week. Pisces, whether it was you who left the cigarette burning while you took a nap or your neighbor…you’ve been wandering around picking up the pieces of what used to be your life. This happens often for Pisces, so you usually keep super-glue handy. Now, you get your very own breakthrough as well! That’s terribly exciting. Use it to move forward and change stuff up—don’t do your usual thing of sitting there and staring at this new jewel of knowledge and doing nothing about it. You’re going to have to be strong in the coming days as some knucklehead is going to crawl out the woodwork and screw with you during your vulnerable time. Kick ‘em in the nuts, if you have to. If you insist on being passive, at least give them the finger before you walk away. You heard it here first, Pisces.

Ah, alas...

2007-11-05T12:59:00.000-08:00

The journey to save the Irish from sobriety is over. While Sister Mary worships the holy detox tea to recouperate, she asks for your patience for the long delay.

Horrorscopes will be posted in the morning.

xoxo
SMM

Another Retrograde!!! Hold on!!!

2007-10-22T04:47:00.000-07:00

Greetings, charming sinners!!!

Many thanks to all of you who donated to Sister Mary’s Prophetic Guinness Fund! If you’re feeling obscenely guilty that you did not contribute to this (sort of) worthy cause, it’s absolutely not too late! That little donate button to the right of this paragraph will allow you to do just that, and allow Sister Mary a little more cash on her voyage to Ireland!

Now, that being said….

Please take a deep breath and listen to the following announcement with the gracious qualities you know your sort of possess…

There will not be an AstrologyExplained posting on Sunday, October 28.

AstrologyExplained WILL return on Monday, November 5. A week and a day later. You will most certainly manage!!!

Keep reading, there is much more to tell…

Onward thrusting into the week of October 21-27!!! You’ll be glad you did…

As you’re probably already aware, Mercury is in Retrograde again. This explains why your computer keeps freezing and choking (it isn’t just the illegal software downloads), it explains why your phone keeps cutting out. (For some of you, anyway. A few caustic signs may actually be getting hung up on by other signs.) Mercury rules communication and electronics. Traffic will be worse, trains will get snarled, you’ll walk around thinking everyone is speaking ancient Greek. Even Sister Mary’s digital camera bit the dust a mere three days before her voyage—and it wasn’t only because Mammy Superior borrowed it for vampire tracking. Back up your work on your jump drives now. Take even more time to talk slowly and clearly to your significant other. Be sure to use little words with your boss. Now is not the time to let anything get confusing. This retrograde is in Scorpio, which means people are more likely to plot your death. Clarity is key, kids.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries, you’ve been very well behaved on Planet Dumbass so far. You’ve kept your mouth shut and watched the League of Morons run head first into everything hard. As the Chronic Oldest Sibling in the zodiac, you’ll often find yourself in the position of wanting to knock people’s heads together in Curly-Larry-Moe fashion. Again, your best Aries course of action is to take a deep breath and back away slowly from the situation. Please understand…Sister Mary wants to tell you to go bust some skulls as it seems their Karmic actions are screaming for it. However, the Flying Monkeys are saying that if you let your violent impulses go wild, you might end up in jail. That’s not something you want to deal with, so close to Halloween when Venus is back in town and people might want to nail you. Just sayin.’

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus did the un-characteristic thing last week of letting something in the past be just that. However, the other characters involved in that past incident (they know who they are) did something else to annoy our favorite Bulls. So, Taurus felt the need to bring it up again. Taurus, whether this past incident involved finding out that your lover cheated on you last week, last year or in a past life—you took the whole thing with a kind, patient Taurus smile. But then you caught this lover taking a bath with the slut next door—and using your raspberry soap without asking. Now, you’re ready to release the bull. An angry Taurus is a scary thing. The Flying Monkeys want to warn you that hasty decisions will cause deep regrets. Consider dropping a couple of people’s cell phones into the bath with them, instead of a live toaster. The former is funny. The latter, no matter how tempting, will get you in trouble.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Whatever partnership you’ve entered as of late—be it romance, business, or making peace with the crazy monkey that lives in your head—has somehow left you insecure. Since when did Gemini get so paranoid about being cheated on (don’t you like to share?) or fired (wouldn’t you love unemployment checks?) or going completely insane (you’re already there, sweetheart). It seems as though you’re going to be the ultimate cause of your own destruction by destroying whatever it is that scares you before it bites you in the ass. Please be sure the thing was actually going to bite you—as in, it was growling and the sweaty teeth were showing—before you go ruining a good thing. Let the partner know you’re pee in your pants scared. Vocalize these fears before they get the best of you. (Maybe leave out the pee part.)

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Well, Mars is still taking up space in our place and will be through the first week of December. The good news is that Mars makes us want to get shit done. The bad news is that we’re going to be cranky bitches the whole time, Mars being the planet of war. While our Hanukkah shopping may be done well before Thanksgiving this year, we might be inclined to break the noses of lard-ass Macy’s salespeople. We need to be prepared over the coming weeks that lots of things are not going to go our way, and try to remember that little burps and bumps in the road is merely the Great F*cker in the Sky trying to teach us something. And It better have a GOOD reason for it. We’ll probably want to do some more shell-hiding time, and that’s not a bad thing. Probably better for our mental health and that of those around us.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Slowly healing from the bumps and bruises of the summer, Leo is finally going to delete a couple of MySpace friends, maybe even delete the damn profile all together, give up dairy and refined sugar and start pilates again. Anything to take their mind off of whatever it was that made them hide in the bottom of a carton of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food. (Mmmmm…) Leo, people may be coming to you for money, time and attention this week. You probably owe it to some of them, particularly if any of these bastards were there for you during your time of need. Those that weren’t may be using you, as Leos become very generous when they’re vulnerable. Be sure to take note if you’re being taken for any stupid rides. That way, when you’re strong again, you can beat some ass.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Don’t know if you’ll think this is good news or not, Virgo, but even during your Saturn visitation, you can still get calls from other planets! This week, Venus is in Virgo which means our thoughtful little “virgins” will be turning their intellectual obsessions onto matters of the heart. Whether they’re feeling optimistic about love (hey, it could be the only thing going for Virgos during this nasty time) or picking apart what went wrong in the last one—again—Virgo, the key here is to not let your emotions drown you this week. If love stuff in your head requires conversation, have it and don’t nit-pick things until they fall apart. Your patience is about to get tried big time with either someone you’re involved with now, or someone from the past. Careful how you approach things, or be prepared to get slapped.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Last week, Libra went into a dark phase where they simply didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Libras do that from time to time and it freaks people out—as they’re supposed to be the friendly ones. This week, they’re coming out and delicately explaining using lots of Dr. Phil words why they got upset and what everyone in the world can do to change it. The Flying Monkeys indicate that this is actually quite good and may end up in you getting a bubble bath with a dozen roses floating in it—and maybe even a cold glass of ginger ale! It’s good someone will be doing the communication. Goddess knows this Mercury Retrograde in Scorpio is going to make the rest of us crazy.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Having Mercury in Retrograde through your home sign is bound to make your I-Pod crash. Sorry to be the one to tell you. The little electronic things you like to collect before the rest of the world catches on will be letting you down this week and it’s a sad, sad thing. However, this Retrograde provides plenty of opportunity for introspection. You’ll have plenty of time and energy to write your thesis on Reptilian Domination—only to burn it in the alley so “They” don’t find out about it. Yep, Scorpio. Retrograde aside, your social life is at a standstill this week, but you don’t mind hanging out in your cave for a few more days. You’ll be re-evaluating the people around you: who are your friends and who do you think you have to kill.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
The source of frustrations, as it turns out, is your own wicked self after all! What a relief. You thought it was all those crazy Virgos you had running around. Maybe it was the crazy pack of Virgos—but you were the one who let them in to mess around with your Playstation. Did we mention that Virgos are causing a lot of havoc for Sag in the coming months? They are. Along with Gemini and Pisces and Capricorn and well, probably the whole zodiac. Sag, in order to keep your mind and body remotely healthy, you’re going to need to quit about three of your favorite hobbies and try sleeping more than two hours a night. Hell, see if you can charm someone into letting you into the spa at night. They’ll be more than glad to have your “help.” Once you get some rest, you’ll be a much happier person all together.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn, it’s time to let the guard down and admit you were wrong. Lie if you have to. But it’s the only way to get yourself out of the predicament you’re currently in. Crazy Taurus lover backed you up against the wall—and it’s not a game this time? You should have taken the warning about dueling earth signs when you answered their Nerve personal. You’re going to run into an element of darkness in a partnership of some kind this week and please take Sister Mary’s advice: don’t try to be right this time. Of course you’re right. You’re Capricorn. You’re always right. But let this little battle go. It will soothe the course of the next phase of this relationship, and you can sneak out and be right next time.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Slow down, child. You’re giving most of the world a migraine. You’ve got big ideas, everything you want to do has enormously fabulous proportions, but you can’t rush the magic mushrooms. Trust Sister Mary. They will grow on their own good time. You’re going to have to take your hands off the person or project you’ve been working on for so long and let things happen on their own. Go outside and enjoy the benefits of Global Warming. Nice to have six month summers, huh? Eventually, you’ll be required to jump back in with a brilliant idea. The robots around you only have so much creative steam, and you’re the one who pumped them up in the first place. Enjoy your time off, and don’t break any limbs.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Ah! So it’s YOUR moon making us all loony this week. Deep, rich Pisces moon making you even more aware of other people’s neurotic tendencies. Don’t go around psychically collecting every crazy attribute of every wino you pass. Sure, it’s good the streets are clean and clear for everyone—but not if you end up twitching and rocking and not leaving your apartment for four days. Don’t forget that balance thing. That means, eating. Sleeping. Drinking water occasionally—not just gin. Honestly, you won’t be required to solve anyone’s problems this week for a change. Of course, being Pisces, you’re going to try to do that anyway. Understand that it’s going to be a drain on your resources and probably isn’t necessary. No need to enable. Most people would continue to do the crazy things anyway.

Contribute to the Sister Mary Guiness Fund!!!

2007-10-14T14:00:00.000-07:00

Listen well to Sister Mary, sinners!!! In just over a week, she will be embarking on a vision quest to Ireland!!! That’s correct! And she needs YOUR help!

On the right side of the screen, you will notice a bright yellow button that says DONATE. Do you see it? No? Here’s another one:

Every donation goes directly to Sister Mary’s Prophetic Guinness fund! The more she drinks, the more wizdumb she shall provide. It’s truly an investment in your future—plus, think of all she does for you! $1 will guarantee you points in the Karma jar. $5 will guarantee you BONUS points in the Karma jar!!! And remember, $1000 guarantees you access to the Great Swingers Club in the Sky!!!

Seriously, folks. The Convent of Sensual Salvation knows you’re broke and feels your awful pain. But considering that Astrology Explained is the closest thing most of you get to Sunday worship service of any kind, cough up a buck. SMM is soooooo worth it!!! Be glad she doesn’t tithe!

Welcome to the week of October 14-20! Look to the skies…cover your Holy Heads!

Aries (March 21-April 19)
On a cosmic level, Aries, you seem to be the only one who is directly being left alone. This means, you’re going to be called upon to help a lot of people out of jams. Best friends calling about douche-bag lovers, parents calling about douche-bag siblings. As the Natural Older Sibling of the zodiac, you’re going to have to take a deep breath and have patience with the chaos around you. Listen to people blah-blah-blah, instead of chucking the cell phone into the toilet when they won’t listen to you. Your advice isn’t being sought after this week. Your ear, your money and your ability to feed the cat of the person suddenly arrested while on a trip upstate—that’s what will be required of you. If someone asks to borrow money—don’t expect it to be repaid. So, don’t give too much of it. That goes for your listening abilities and cat-sitting availability as well. Pull back when you’re being taken advantage of, or it will be YOU on the Great Cosmic Couch next week.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Couples counseling, friend-of-couples counseling, pet psychic services…Taurus, you’ve put a lot of time, energy and your oh-so-precious cash into making something work. Now, just when you’re going to start seeing the object of your affections turn into the emotionally honest, hard-working, Bull-pleasing robot you’ve dreamed of—smoke and sparks and immediate reversion back to the lazy, insensitive thing you should have fired months ago. This is as true for human relationships and jobs as it is for robots. Taurus, you tried really, really hard and true, it would be fair if the Universe took notice and rewarded you for it. But the true truth is that most of the time the Universe isn’t paying attention. And when the Universe is paying attention, It has a nasty sense of humor and likes to break the toys we worked so hard to put together. Wipe the radioactive dust from your hands and walk away. Something new will come along for you to duct-tape back together into your favorite Taurus fashion.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Either the drama of last week drained the last of your cash, or the Gemini Twins suffered catastrophic nervous breakdowns circa Friday. Either way, the only method for you to get extra time in the courtyard this next week is to bribe the guard with cigarettes or sexual favors—but frankly, it doesn’t look as though either are going to work for you. It’s not that you’re not the sexy pair of bitches you were last week—even in the straight jacket. Your time in lock down has been brought to you by the Gods of the Inner-Psycho, which you will need to appease with meditation, lavender tea and Live Journal to get that time off. It’s time for you to reflect upon why you’ve been on the roller coaster of self-destruction the past nine months. Don’t blame the Cosmos. This time, they’re only partially responsible. You’ll need to accept your reoccurring role in why you keep running into the brick wall of heartbreak and rehab and fix it before the all-powerful “they” add an extra life-sentence to your “rehabilitation.”

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
With Mars still putting Her dirty feet on the couch in our Cosmic living room, Cancerians everywhere are making lists and checking them twice of all the people who have pissed us off—from the bully Capricorn in Montessori school to the whiney Leo in last week’s staff meeting. We’re still brooding, but this week it may come to a head. It’s good practice to write a letter to that mean old Goat from back in the day. It’s bad practice to Google the person and actually send it to them. Likewise, it’s good practice to scream out your frustrations to the co-worker’s effigy. It’s bad practice to stick pins in the effigy—but if they’re too atrocious, it might be a better alternative than blowing up at them in the break room. First of all, you’ll keep your job. Second, Whiney Leo might go on an extended retreat to the Black Hills and never come back. That will make things easier. Fellow Cancerians, we must remember that most of our frustrations are in our fevered heads. The Wise Crab knows when to retreat into its shell. The Psycho Cancer knows this too, but goes and pinches the annoying thing anyway…thereby losing a claw. Project of the week: keep all limbs intact.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Financial and emotional turmoil may have subsided temporarily for our sexy felines, but Leos across the Universe are still limping from a drawn-out season of heartache and credit card debt. Leo, Sister Mary has been very patient with you for several months now. In fact, most of the Universe has been extremely patient with you. Now, we’re asking that you take a shower, brush your teeth and come out to play with us because your moping is making us sad. Okay, the truth is that your roommate called and notified said the neighbors are beginning to complain about the smell and the chorus of lamenting coming from your bedroom. It’s time to shake your gorgeous manes and join the world again. You’re really going to hate Sister Mary for this next piece of news…while the yuck may have subsided, it’s not over yet. One more bad moon on the rise before things stop sucking…WAIT!!! DON’T CRAWL BACK UNDER THE BED!!! You can either face the suck alone, which only made you more depressed last time, or you can come out with your friends and we can all face the suck together. The latter is a better option and this is a prophetic promise—some sweetie out there wants to buy you a beer. Take the beer.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
One Virgo said to Sister Mary this week: “Three Years of Suck? Man, I HATE astrology…” This particular Virgo, like all good Virgos, doesn’t believe in astrology. Unless the reading promises bad news. Then, the Virgo is all into it. Virgo, this is a typical doldrumsitic response that only propagates your misfortune. Putting new faith in astrology when Saturn, Planet of Suck arrives will not prevent crap from happening. You’re going to have to take this one piece of ick at a time. If you have Gemini friends, avoid them. They’ll be in the same padded cell as you, and you’ll be tempted to commiserate, but commiseration is only going to lead to feeling sorry for yourself and increasing your drinking problem. In between the hurdles, go lock yourself in your bedroom with a couple of old Radiohead c.d.s and do some contemplation. Really. What is the Universe trying to teach you? No one ever figures it out on the first go round, but it will give you a definite edge for the next lifetime…

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Congratulations on your hard work this year, Libra. You finally got everything exactly where and how you want it to be. Now, for the Great Upheaval fairy….oh, don’t whine. Actually, it looks as though you, Libra will be the one who tips your own scales and blows your own house down. It’s timely and it’s appropriate as you, Libra, don’t like being bored. However, don’t be surprised and upset if the overhaul isn’t easy, causes crankiness around you or exposes gangrene in the rafters. Do a lot of that deep breathing stuff, don’t freak out over little details. Only at the moments of deepest frustration do we become stronger and better adjusted. Also, remember WHO created the upheaval (you!). Remember why you wanted things to change. Embrace the rocky time and you’ll be a hell of a lot happier with the finished product.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Unlike Libra, things weren’t completely okay in the Scorpion sector this past week. The object of your affections didn’t find your blog dedicated solely to them romantic. Perhaps they found it creepy? Perhaps you’re being called a stalker? Maybe you didn’t get the promotion you wanted—it was given to some inept Aquarius??? Ooh…that one does hurt. The wise man says, Scorpio, “If you can’t be with the one you love…don’t go killing the one they’re with.” It is time, Scorpio, to appreciate the lovelies all around you and don’t go searching for more. At the same time, don’t go demanding more from what you have. That may scare off more things you’re wild about. Once you can look around with a true smile and bask in the wonderfulness that surrounds you on a daily basis, you’ll feel less of a need to go out and consume. Remember, the MAN wants you to consume. Embrace your rebel self and stop absorbing subliminal messages from corporate whores. You’re okay without excess. True story.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Oops! Sagittarius overheard something under the bathroom stall walls, or found a chat-transcript on you roommate’s computer—one that would make you rich if you wanted to blackmail. (By the way, did you even get permission to use the computer?) Nah, blackmail isn’t Sag’s style. But this new information, be it a secret of someone else, something you’ve learned about yourself or the location of Bin Laden, you really need to be careful with how you reveal this information. Is now even a good time to spill your guts? Will it help those around you, or send them to prison? Would having your roommate locked up give you the space you need to write your novel or leave you desperately lonely? If the information isn’t specifically helpful to anyone, you might want to keep your mouth shut—or leak in a way that’s productive. Don’t ask how it might be productive…we don’t provide answers here. Just inane warnings.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn, you did good, as they say. Something was bothering you and instead of pouting about it, you approached the person or situation and calmly explained your side of the story, using all those really annoying “I feel” statements instead of the more satisfying, “You Asshole…” statements. Good work. However, it was ineffective. This isn’t your fault. It’s the fault of the lazy douche bag who has no interest in changing his/her/it/their ways. Don’t waste your energy or your good manicure by trying to change the shape of a brick wall with your bare hands. Walk away. Don’t interrupt and don’t try to explain your side of things again. It didn’t work last time, and it’s not going to work this time and will leave you with painful, ragged cuticles. Wait for the Universe to act and sit back with your ice tea and watch it happen. Don’t say “Toldya so” too loudly, or the Kickback will hear and come after you, too. Giggle to yourself and walk away clean. ‘Tis the mark of the seasoned Capricorn.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Some kind of separation has occurred in the Aquarian realm. Of course, poor Aquarius didn’t notice a damn thing until they realized no one had answered their calls for more toilet paper in the upstairs john. Wow. Amazing how long you held out, Waterbearer! You may be confused as to why people aren’t calling or coming over to play anymore. It’s two-fold. One, it’s probably the Universe sucking all of your friends into wormholes. Don’t worry. They’ll get kicked out. Wiser for it. Two, you didn’t listen to Sister Mary when she told you to reach out to your mopey friends and cheer them up. Now, you’re going to have to work doubly hard to get them out of their hobbit holes for an evening. This is a good time for you, as you’re re-learning the rules here on Earth. You had a great trip through outerspace. Now come home.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
When we left our fishes last week, they had to crawl out to the rescue of a number of friends having nervous breakdowns. This left considerably less time for Pisces to finish their own nervous breakdown. Ah, well. It’s the way of the Cosmic Martyr. Pisces, whatever it is that you’re rebuilding will take a great deal of time and a lot of patience. You have the patience, but you don’t always have the ability to discern between “Slow to Grow” and “Total F*cking Failure.” You’re not failing this time. Continue to listen to the great Wino Prophets on the Subway. Delve deeper into your hallucinations. A reunion of sorts is on the way, whether it be with a old lover, a “new” lover (aka, someone you nailed in a past life) or the continued adventures of old psychopath boss who now needs you to clean up his/her mess. Remember, old glue takes time to re-adhere. That’s all the wizdumb you get this week.

Libra--Explained.

2007-10-07T18:42:00.000-07:00

You all may have noticed the little “Donate” button! The one on the right of the paragraph. It’s yellow. Keep looking. It’s really not hard to find.

That’s right! If you enjoy AstrologyExplained and want to help feed Sister Mary’s flying monkeys and help pay down Mammy Superior’s bar tab, your contributions make that possible. $1 is cool! $5, even cooler! $1,000 and Sister Mary will tell God what an awesome person you are and get you access to all the burlesque clubs in Heaven.

(Don’t tempt Sister Mary into starting a pledge drive…)
The time of Libra provides little fodder for the average smart-ass Nun Astrologer—it’s a time of balance, like the little scales that represent them. While Sag and Pisces, Gemini and psycho Scorpio break though the Universal Unconscious with quirks and wacky things galore, Libra resets its eccentricities before we get a moment to make fun of them. Libra time is one of bringing things into balance—organizing closets for winter, paying off a few more debts before the holidays begin, doning kelp wraps and chomping on beets to undo the summer’s fabulously toxic damage.

And yes! It’s time to celebrate that courageously well-balanced sign—the only one symbolized by something that doesn’t eat or screw—Libra!

First thing to remember about Libra, particularly since we’re in that time, is that you don’t want to forget a Libra’s birthday. If you do, they will be disappointed. If you do remember their birthday and don’t make it super cool with a trip to Six Flags and a lot of roses, they will be disappointed. A disappointed Libra is a horrible, horrible thing. Think about the cutest puppy in the world, and imagine it welping and crying because it’s sad. Try to add big cartoon teardrops if you can. Is that not the saddest image you’ve ever had? Well, it’s only half as sad as the sight of a disappointed Libra.

Libras are idealistic and true romantics. If you’re dating one, plan on doing the wooing thing more than you ever had to do for even the most precious Capricorn. They’ll reward you, though. Extremely loyal and supportive partners, Libras mate for life; in friendships and in romance. Many, however, seeking the glorious idyllic situation of fairytales, most are likely to partner more than once—but don’t ever fully disappear from their former lovers lives, melding the relationship into a glorious friendship.

The best and most frustrating thing about Libras is their ability to call bullshit. This is why we need them, and why we sometimes throw our cell phones in the Holy toilet when they call. No one delivers a realistic slap in the face like our buddy Libra, who listens well and thinks about all things before explaining to you that it’s not quite all about you—that you might just be screwing up—but will still go kick the ass of the douchebag who bothered you. Are you dating a Libra? Buy them presents, and don’t plan on this catch being all excited by your notions of orgy or poly. Trust Sister Mary—they’re monogamous and cheating is the biggest of all no-nos, followed immediately by lying and forgetting their birthday.

Libras, again, with their balance thing, are extremely practical—but “balance it out” by occasionally buying all kinds of shit they don’t need or can’t afford to keep from getting bored. They can be extremely meticulous most of the time, particularly about having a clean home, but balance it out with periods of extreme laziness. Sometimes they need to be encouraged to get out of their ruts and habits, and are often reluctant to bringing new things and influences into their lives, but once they do, embrace them wholeheartedly. Libras tend to keep small circles of friends, but keep them forever and don’t crave fame or notoriety, but a nice home with a traditional structure and usually kids. Libras approach their relationships as methodically as they approach their shopping. Romance, tradition and sentimentality. Plan on having to leaf through a dozen or so new scrapbooks your Libra puts together every week.

You know, Libras are the toughest signs to describe and pick on—because they’re just too damn balanced. They keep their quirks tucked in places Sister Mary doesn’t know about, or doesn’t care to discover. Which they probably won’t like so much, as Libras like attention as much as any of us. They also don’t like criticism. They like things to go their way, and will pout a bit when it doesn’t—quietly weighing the pros and cons of not getting what they want, and eventually accept it if no other options are available. They get mad, but they get over it.

Frankly, though. The Great Drunk In The Sky knew what He/She was doing when they made Libras. Someone has to keep the rest of us wackos from jumping off the planet.

A very happy birthday to the Libras who keep Sister Mary from being hauled away in a hand-cauldron: Bud, Jessica Elizabeth, Robin, Jethro, and Kanani. I LOVE YOU GUYS A LOT A LOT A LOT, LIKE A LOT!!!!!!!

This week, we’ll find that the commonly stubborn Libra qualities will be exacerbated by the Leo moon—these two influences also making mortals and non-mortals alike more obsessed with being the prettiest quill on the Cosmic porcupine. With Mars, warring planet, still camping out in Cancer this week—domestic quarrels will be on the rise. This alignment is likely to create the doorway for “Why didn’t you take the trash out?” conversations to quickly evolve into “What did you mean when you said last March that I’m insane????” Fortunately, planet of communication Mercury is coming through Scorpio this week, meaning we’ll all have the right amount of manipulative flattery to soothe our ornery partners until we get out of this cranky time.

Onto other news, be sure to keep a sharp eye on your Virgos as Saturn, Planet of Suck, has made an ungracious visit to our “Virgin” friends, and will be causing problems them. Oh, yeah. It’s going to be affecting Gemini, Sag and Pisces too—these folks will be aiding and abetting our Virgo friends over this next dreadful period, at the same time making things more frustrating as aider and abettors tend to do. Trust Sister Mary—tried and true Cancer.

Onward and Sideways into the week of October 7th-13th!

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Free from burdens many other signs will experience this week, Aries! The planets seemed to have passed you by and even the moon is looking the other way. However, you’re once again frustrated and this time, it’s likely to be in regards to matters of communication. Communication planet in Scorpio is making all signs talk as though they’re in film noir. Aries, who puts on the subtitles on the DVD just to ensure they don’t miss anything, and becomes severely annoyed if the film doesn’t explain every plot twist within the first fifteen minutes, is wont to crave the catharsis of a swift punch to a number of noses. Best course of action is to breathe deeply, lift flask, swallow deeply and continue on your merry way. Expect to run into an old friend this week—who may be the only one who knows what you’re going through. They may be the only one you can stand!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus is irritated this week. Something simply didn’t go their way. Whether it was having to bail some Gemini out of a cash crisis (common to Saturn backlash) or fighting with a Sag over the headline color of the Excel spreadsheet (Libra/Leo time = stubborn motherfuckers), Taurus, you’re going to have to let this battle slide. Since we know you’re not so capable of letting it all go, practice that compromise thing you learned from Dr. Phil or whoever and give the Gemini some cash—but make them rake your lawn. Go ahead and let Sag go with fuchsia, even if you know burgundy is the way to go. Insist they buy you a mocha when the boss vomits all over their fuchsia-splashed atrocity. Then, you won’t even have to say “Told you so…” (like that would stop you!!! Xoxo). Believe it or not, this patience/compromise thing is essential as you’re going to be required to rely on these knuckleheads in upcoming waves of drama. Don’t get paranoid, they happen to everyone. But be nice to people who bug you.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
For the past few months, Gemini has been feeling as though a storm of whack has been encircling their heads. Wait. Gemini will always feel as though that is the case—but it’s gotten even worse since that Saturn cross-roads thing, which has got them feeling struck through the skull. Gemini, there isn’t much you can do to get out of this bout of bad luck except keep an eye on your wallet and keys, and don’t get caught without a condom. Not a good time for dealing with STD’s. Sag will look out for you, Pisces will seem to avoid you, but will continue to look out for you. Virgo will act as though they want nothing to do with you, but will come around needing your help at some point before the end of the week. Give it to them. They’ve helped you out a lot. You’re probably going to want to crash and burn, but Sister Mary doesn’t see that inhibiting you from going out to the bar on a Wednesday, anyway. Things look better by next weekend, so bite your lip and try to enjoy the ride. Might make from some good blogging.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Yep, yep…still got old Mars funking shit up in our realm this week. Fights with housemates are inevitable. If we happen to live alone, fights with pets are inevitable. Those extremely rare Cancerians who have no housemates or pets will find themselves viciously arguing with people from the past, who have forgotten we’ve ever existed and found the Facebook friend request to be random if not outright creepy. Cancerians this week are five times as likely to misinterpret something our friends or co-workers say that was NOT meant to be insulting, but we’re Cancers and can’t take it any other way. This will result in severe Drawing Into Shell, which will be good for work and creative endeavors. Giving the cold shoulder to people on G-Chat will mean stuff will actually get done this week, and allow us to clean up all the messes our distracted selves got us into last week. Next week, we’ll be out again to play and people will be glad, as they will miss us.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
The spirit of the legendary Anita Tension will be invoked by our luscious felines this week! Leo, you’ll find yourself more than ever needing compliments on everything from your work to your sudden lack of dandruff. Please be prepared that not everyone is aware of your change of shampoo and may even consider it an insult to you to bring it up. This is particularly true of matters of the heart for Leo, as Venus will continue to do the Return Waltz through their realm in the coming days. It’s been a hard year for Leo—try to be thankful that Saturn: Planet of Suck has finally moved onto Virgo and will leave you alone for the next dozen years or so. Particularly, Leo, if you’re involved with a Virgo, Pisces, Sagittarius or Gemini—be prepared that they’re not going to be doling out all the attention you seem to need so badly. They’re pretty wrapped up with their own garbage this week. You’d be better off seeking out your Aquarius buddies, and perhaps even a Capricorn or two. The Capricorn will listen briefly before slapping you out of it—and the Aquarius will simply be fun to hang with. Time will change your rotten tides. In the meantime, go do something scandalous. ;)

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The arrival of Planet Suck has already taken Virgo through the shock and denial phases, and now they’re deep into bargaining and anger. Virgo, you cannot bribe the Gods into increasing your cash flow or sex life. Well, perhaps you can, but you’re too intellectually charged to actually go out there and cut the head of the chicken to the drum beat (“Simply don’t see how this equates to effective action…”) The Cosmic disruptions as of late were sent to teach you patience. Yes, Virgo, you tend to be more patient than most, but this is to ensure that you don’t get lazy. Trust Sister Mary. There will be times in the coming weeks when you’re going to want to run your car through the side of the 7-11 rather than look for non-existent parking again. Yes. Planet of Suck inhibits the ability to find parking. Maybe you should stop driving. It’s better for the planet. Perhaps this whole mess is meant to get you to be more eco-friendly. Ponder this one while shelling out your hard earned, quickly diminishing cash at the pump. For non-drivers, bike instead of cab. Physical stuff is better for releasing your Virgo aggression, anyway.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libra, you’re happy. Everything is going your way, and that is precisely why we’re all avoiding you. The truth is, and we know it as well as you do, is that you’ve suddenly been given magic goggles to see where everyone around you is screwing up and you have no qualms about saying something. As much as we’re loathe to hear it, you’re absolutely correct—but don’t expect us to take it well. If we start to lash out at you, simply imagine us all in diapers with binkies and make us take a time out. Now is not the time to take shit personally—particularly when you’ve been going around exposing everyone for being dumbasses. Be prepared, however, to get what you put out there, and toward the end of the week, someone will correct you on one of your screw ups. You don’t have to admit they’re right to anyone but yourself. And it is all about you, anyway, right? Especially during your birthday time!!!

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
If Scorpio isn’t caught playing King Arthur at a Medieval Faire, leading the Grail search re-enactment this weekend, they’re bound to be at home scouring their roommate’s collection of Crowley. Mercury coming through their sign has made them now more than ever determined to discover the secrets of the Universe—and they insist on having it done by Thursday. Scorpio is experiencing a rare stroke of wholeness and completion, which has further exacerbated their need to complicate things by rooting for new philosophical concepts with which to annoy and torture their partners and friends. Chances are, however, that this Mercury in Scorpio will allow others to have a rare clue about what cryptic Scorpio is talking about. Watch you don’t get too arrogant about people’s sudden connections with you. It’s not that they’re coming around to see your side, it’s that Mercury is a bastard that way. They’ll be off understanding Taurus or something next week and replacing you in your natural “no one understands me” state. Enjoy it while it lasts and enjoy the extra mead.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sag, your connection with this Saturn cross-roads is putting you back in that leadership position you tend to crave—until actually put in it. In addition to having to talk your Virgo and Gemini friends off the Chrysler building (Pisces prefers the padded cell), you’re still wrangling the Jupiter: Planet of Big, Weird Ideas influence that has been crawling up your slack leg for the past year. It’s almost over. Really. Try those deep breathing meditations you’ve been ignoring for awhile, since patience is essential. It’s not a good week to rely on Valium. You’re going to have too much to do to be distracted by hallucinated bunnies and sunshine. Like your friend Virgo, impulsive decisions will be costly and are guaranteed to drive up your insurance premiums.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Perhaps they’re feeling the brunt of so many other signs being slammed by the Cosmos, or perhaps they’re simply not getting enough attention, but the Flying Monkeys are reporting that we have a lot of unhappy Cappys this week. Some sort of inevitable disruption has taken place in the realm of our favorite goats. Perhaps they had to house a suddenly vagrant Gemini, or made the mistake (well-meaning, of course!) of coaxing a cranky Cancer out of their shell. Whatever Capricorn got themselves into with the purpose of making the world a shinier place, they certainly found themselves having to wade through a bunch more shit than they cared to deal with. Go ahead, Capricorn. For once, admit you made a mistake. Whether it be sticking our your hand to help, or your tongue to voice an opinion, take it back and say, “Oops!” You can do it. It’s just one syllable and mostly vowels, anyway. Back out and protect yourself. Queen Drama will be back with presents of your own, shortly.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
You know, part of the reason you’re off in Leary land most of the time is not because you dropped so much acid in college, it’s because Neptune has been in your sign since 1998. Did you know that? Mammy Superior severely flogged Sister Mary for forgetting to mention that you’re in a 13 year cycle of boundless love and limitless emotion. For those of you too young to remember much of 1997, these open ways and paths may seem natural to you Aquarius, and in many ways, they are. Do expect, however, that if you haven’t knocked someone up or yet acquired remote responsibilities, you’re going to need to figure that shit out roughly by 2011. That’s right. You’ll have one year of hard work before the meteor hits in 2012. This week, however, continue to keep in mind that a lot of your friends are in the crapper and need you to cheer them up. Most of them will seek you out, but in some cases, you’ll need to dig them out of their holes. Jump off the speaker and run out of the club to call your mopey friend and let them know what an awesome party they’re missing. If you don’t, they might think you don’t care and that certainly isn’t true. Make little ring-ding reminders on your IPhone if you have to. But don’t forget people this week.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
In addition to you having to deal with Virgo’s Saturn, the influence of Uranus (Planet of What the Fuck Just Happened, aka, “upheaval”) will become even more intense in the coming months. With the arrival of Sucky Saturn, Pisces has so far used this opportunity to swim back under their favorite rock or plastic plant. Maybe they even have one of those cool little aquarium divers to hide behind. Whatever the case may be, Pisces around the Universe are avoiding hurricane by delving deeply into their sub and unconsciousness. Unfortunately for them, but fortunately for the rest of us, Pisces will be called out of seclusion this week to make the pool safe for all Cosmic kiddies to play in. That’s what they do and can’t avoid it! It’s not going to be easy for them, and they’re likely to hide behind their favorite vices while having to face people (THESE kids will be the one to go to for illegal stimulation in the coming days), but will be presently surprised to find themselves making new connections with cool people, and strengthening ties once thought lost. Maybe your former boss didn’t hate you after all! Maybe they fired you in a moment of psychosis and you’ll get an apology—along with forty bucks. Wouldn’t that be nice? Buy Sister Mary dinner. Think of all she does for you.

Gemini Moon and Saturn to Share...have your meds handy.

2007-09-30T21:37:00.000-07:00

Your Horrorscope forecast this week indicates that if you are in the New York area this weekend…you will find yourself at Stain Bar…for the greatest Saturday night in the world!

The Ass-tro Hour with Sister Mary Manhattan
Saturday, Oct. 6, 9:00 PM
Stain Bar
766 Grand Street,Brooklyn
(L to Grand, walk 1 block west)
http://www.stainbar.com/
$FREE

Sister Mary’s monthly showcase of the fabulously weird and deliciously creepy continues!!! Show up and get your ass-trological questions answered and take your turn at the Magic Microphone--the only mic in New York City guaranteed to grant wishes within three days. Special guests: The Blood Brothers. Dug from the darkest part of the city's unconscious, these two ghouls will both chill and charm you with tales of the freaky. Enjoy local wines, beer and a view of the hottest nun in town. Basically, just show up. You'll be so very, VERY glad you did....;)

Welcome to the week of September 30-October 6!!! Onward and sideways!!!

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries, you’re absolutely going to need to try that meditation thing to make it through this week. The moon is starting out in Gemini, which means people are going to be more indecisive than usual about pretty much everything. If you’re dating someone, particularly a Gemini (god forbid THAT crazy combination…), plan some retreat time away from them. The park. The library. Bellevue. Not the bar. Avoid getting loaded as you’re more likely than usual to verbally explode all the crazy things you keep bottled up between your horns. It has been said by wise philosophers that only at the moment when morons can piss us off no further, do we learn to love the moron in every person. Focus on that while grinding your teeth this week.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Nothing unusual to report for Taurus this week—except to say that all Cosmic Bulls will end up hopelessly rich and terribly famous and laid several times before the end of the week. That was what you were hoping to read, right? I’m sure that will happen to some Taurus, somewhere, but all Bulls everywhere are cleaning up broken plates and femur bones after some spat with someone they’re crazy about. And, per usual, Taurus can be found weeping into their soy lattes, wracked with guilt for having unleashed the inner bull, and not having a clue about how to go back and fix it. How about picking up the phone? Invite that person to come share in that soy latte. Actually, you’ll probably have to shell out $4 and buy it for them—which isn’t your favorite thing to do—but the giving and the listening and the all powerful “I’m so terribly, terribly sorry for having gone nuts on you” will do wonders for a glorious reunion.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Your own moon this week will have you talking in circles about all to all present—and even those not so present. Gemini, sometimes the voices in our heads make the best listeners. Don’t let either of your feelings get hurt when people get short with you this week. They’re just as confused as you are by the presence of your moon—which leads to indecision and random barroom make-out parties with people normally considered icky. You may find this week that people are not returning your phone calls. You may even find them making ridiculous excuses to leave the party as soon as you show up. This should only be taken quasi-personally. First of all, they’re as confused about the little things as you are. Second, who cares? This is one of those clearing sessions when you get the opportunity to see who your true allies are. A true friend is one that puts up with verbal vomit, even when they’re sick to death of it. And buys you beer to distract you.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Ummm….Mars showed up in our house today. Come ON, Cosmos…haven’t you tortured your Cancerians ENOUGH? Of course not, and it’s all about us. NO other signs are EVER bottle-banged by the Great Drunk Up Above like we are. This week, we’re going to be crankier than usual. It’s a good time to air grievances. Inform your lover that bathing the nether regions needs to happen before you perform down there from now on. Tell your upstairs neighbors to drug the kids so they’ll stop the stomping. With the potential tongue-lashing native to Cancerians, sometimes we’re wont to resort to the Angry Blog or the Pissy Email rather than the confrontation, which tends to draw blood. Our best course of action this week would be to wait until Mars leaves our sector, second course of action is the Angry Blog. Meanwhile, cry a little and write some bad poetry.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Venus is slowly making her return and when she waltzes through Leo’s realm this week, she’s bringing with her a blast from the past. Did you take Sister Mary’s advice and shack up with your Cancerian ex? Hmmm….that probably wasn’t the best idea. Sorry about that. Don’t get angry. Why are you taking sex advice from a nun anyway? Something about this past-blast will provide some much needed closure and even a strange sort of peace of mind. Careful, Leo. Watch your sentimental trigger. The crazy bitch or bastard hasn’t changed all that much. Be glad that you got to hug and say “sorry” and smile about all the Karmic things you learned from them, but don’t be terribly disappointed when they’re still doing all the same crap that made you guys fall apart the first time.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Has anyone noticed abnormally stressed-out Virgos climbing all sorts of cubicle walls? Yeah…Sister Mary was a bit slow to report that Saturn left poor Leo at the beginning of the month and is now residing in Virgo. Saturn—planet of the F*CKED UP—will be taking a nice long vacation in Virgo. Like, a three year long vacation. It’s also going to be affecting your Gemini, Sag and Pisces friends, but you’re going to feel the brunt of it. Worry over inane shit is nothing new to Virgo, but they’re just now beginning to feel the nasty crunch of the cash flow and the natural chi. Virgo, you’re simply going to have to take better care of yourself. Go organic. Do it, and quit the cigs. All the nasties are going to make things even more complicated for you in these early days of your Saturn visit.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Hope you’re still having a fabulous birthday month!!! This week, try to get all of your housekeeping stuff in order as the Gemini moon is going to make you even more indecisive about everything. Make your sig-oth (Wow. New phrase there.) pack your lunches for you under the guise of “It’s my BIRTHDAY MONTH, damnit!” all the while saving you the time of deciding between tofu and bologna. But if you’re going to order people around, make sure you do your share of cleaning up after them. While your partner is busy making your food, take this opportunity to get rid of the three years of New Yorkers they “keep meaning to” throw away. Don’t touch the Hustlers. You might like them too, if you give them a chance. Your goal for this week is to avoid having to make decisions—since you won’t be able to—and to give porn a chance.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Ha ha ha…distracted mortals abound! Scorpio praises the Gemini moon for distracting their friends and lovers. While they’re running in circles, Scorpio can run through their purses. You’re not being accused of theft, Scorpio, but of being nosey. Actually, you could use a delightful distraction. A chord of heartache has hit Scorpio this week—and they, actually, may not even deserve it! It looks as though something said in your direction was taken too personally. Guess what, Scorpio? Most people aren’t plotting your demise. A few are, granted, but the majorities aren’t even thinking about you! That could be almost as painful to hear as the thought that someone out there may think you’re a douche. Continue digging through Livejournals, hack someone’s email account. Hell, go read some of that stuff about Burma. It could be so much worse…

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Now, you may recall that Jupiter entered your realm a little before Christmas last year. Jupiter is the little bugger that gets under your skin and makes you all philosophical and annoy your friends with drunken rants on Marx or Rand or Krishna or whatever it is that you’re into this week. The good news—for them, anyway—is that you’ll either find the philosophical path you’re meant to follow before the end of the year, when Jupiter leaves, or you’ll get reinvested in normal things. Like your job. Basically, whatever concepts have had your mind spinning over the past year will easily fit into the life you live now. Hypno-dominatrix theory was just that—theory—but now seems to be working out quite well for you. It will seem more mundane, and you’ll probably want a new hobby. Be patient. Distractions are on the way.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
With so many of our zodiac brethren losing their minds during the Gemini moon, you’re going to be required—again—to mommy/daddy the crazies and get them in order. Don’t be too pushy. Simply use your resourceful Capricorn ways to leave out cute little maps with colorful arrows, and let them think they’ve thought of all of it themselves. In addition, the monkeys want you to know that whatever it is that you’re currently planting, be it plans for your house or starting a business or cultivating a magical crop of mushrooms, it’s going to take awhile. Imagine yourself a year from now reading AstrologyExplained and seeing, “Told you so!!! You made a lot of cash on that slow growing crop!!!” That’s exactly what will happen. Buy Sister Mary dinner with the money you make. Think of all that she does for you!!!

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
You, who spend so much of your life so distracted, you only become confused when you’re focused, won’t notice much new chaos during the Gemini moon. You’ve had to cut a lot of ties in the past year and this has given way to lots of space to play around in. Now that the trustafarians have been properly sent back to the suburbs, you can use the space they used to take up in your living room to do all the naked paint angels you’ve been wanting to do! Thoroughly exciting…It looks as though new people, concepts and opportunities are coming for you, Aquarius. Let’s hope they’re hot and funny and carry flasks of green liquor. That’s Sister Mary’s Aquarius fantasy, anyway.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Pisces, Sister Mary has now determined part of your problem. You’re experiencing Virgo’s Saturn. That means you’re also feeling the brunt of the planet of annoyances. Watch your depression meter—don’t allow yourself more than three days in the padded room. Eventually, you will need to shower. Most Pisces have experienced loss in some form over the past year and were pretty pissed about it. The good news is that those Pisces who didn’t drink away their irritations, used it to fuel the rebuilding process. Keep in mind, Pisces, that rebuilding the harem can take awhile. You’re usually pretty good with the patience thing, but nasty-ass Saturn is going to test it by throwing red tape and b.s. into the mix. She’s good that way. It will build character, so don’t get too frustrated too soon.

Late September....

2007-09-23T14:36:00.000-07:00

Ah, it is with rather great sadness and woe that we bid goodbye to the warm days of summer, and hello to rain, chilly winds and the beginning of Fall. Mother Superior has decreed that all members of the Convent of Sensual Salvation begin strict diets of beets, elderberries and milk-thistle tea to repair the damage we did to our Holy livers throughout the summer. I sip as I type…

But the arrival of Autumn provides plenty of time for cuddles and snuggles and pumpkin-spice lattes—along with the births of our sign of balance, serial monogamy and impulsive purchases which tap their credit limit, Libra!

Libra will have to do something out of the norm and be patient for seven days. Sister Mary will return next week with their overtly-detailed description. Meanwhile, she would like to say:

Happy Anniversary!!!!

To The Parents of Sister Mary Manhattan who are celebrating 29 years of marital bliss this very 23rd of September.

LOVE YOU MUMSY AND POPS!!!

Keep up the good work.

xoxoxo

‘Tis the week of Sept. 23-29! With a Libra Sun and an oncoming Pisces moon, it’s feelings, feelings, stupid friggin’ feelings…’

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Yes, Aries, you were right about something. Whether this involved the tenuous handling of diplomatic relations with Syria or the tenuous handling of office paper storage, no one listened to you. Therefore, you sat with arms-folded in the corner, watching the moron monkeys Do It All Wrong. Now that you’ve ordered the forklift to remove the pile of reams currently pinning your co-worker to the storage closet floor, people are sheepishly admitting that you actually did know what you were talking about. Take this opportunity to overthrow a government or take down the corporation or something. Just be prepared that your new role as Aries Dictator will mean more moronic monkeys to stop from screwing up more diplomatic relations and office supply storage. Plus, being in charge means evil genius-monkeys will try to challenge your authority. You know how you hate that. Says Aries, “They should just know I’m way smarter...” They don’t. Sleep with one eye open and keep your stapler where you can see it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
“Focus, fusion and follow-through!” God, Taurus hates their company’s Motivational Speaker Day. Most of all, they’re pissed that the chocolate donuts all got eaten before they arrived. Taurus, when you procrastinate, you miss the pastry of your choice. Write that down and meditate on it twice a day this week. Also, instead of stewing on missing out on donuts, actually listen to that corny nut onstage. Get the work done, whether it’s at the job, at your not-quite-yet-lucrative hobby, or with your significant other. You’ve got all the plans to bring the spark back, now go buy the lube. Your home planet is finally getting her lard-ass back in town, so you should have plenty of opportunities to fix the romance spectrum. If you don’t have a cute & cuddly waiting for you at home, don’t expect them to show up at your door with the pizza guy. Flirting with strangers will be necessary. Unless it’s the pizza guy you want. Then, you need to work on the art of pizza guy seduction. It’s quite handy.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Unlike most signs, experienced a romantic vacuum during the Retrograde, many Geminis fell hopelessly in love at some point over the summer. They either a.) joyously got that love in return b.) had their hearts brutally shredded or c.) never came home from Burning Man. In any case, Venus’s return is affecting Gemini more like Mom than a Lover, appalled at the mess the Twins made in her absence. Time to a.) admit your lover is a real person and start acknowledging where the dreaded “compromise” needs to happen b.) admit that your ex-lover was not a real person but a heart-eating demon whose name should NEVER be mentioned again lest the demon be summoned—particularly to your friends who (I promise) are sick of hearing about it c.) let the trip wear off and admit that the Art City is gone and the desert is cold at night. Hitchhike back to civilization and hope you still have a job. This next chapter for you, Gemini, is all about letting things go. Choose one of the above and get to work.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
It often would make more sense if the Gods had given Venus to us as a planet—although having the Moon is awesome because we don’t have to share it with any other signs! Cancers spent the majority of their lives obsessing over loved ones—usually romantic. As we learned in Cancer Cosmology 101, if a Cancer does not have an object of affection in their immediate vicinity, they’re combing through their old diaries to find a lost one to obsess about. Unfortunately, Venus did not bring new Soul Mates to Cancers as souvenirs from her Retrograde journey—nor did she bring sudden bursts of Gio Casanova tendencies to Cancers’ current mates. It’s going to look as though everyone besides Cancer is getting laid and getting flowers. We should take this time to learn to knit so that we can make warm fuzzy lingerie for Christmas, in case Santa decides to stick a sweetie in our stockings. Sister Mary’s gambling on that. ;)

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leo has not had an easy road with matters of the heart this season. Our Lions will stand next to our Lonely Crabs this fall, getting skipped over while Venus is doling out romance. Leo, consider shacking up with your Cancerian ex. They may not have you, or they may bring up sixty-nine things in the past you did to piss them off, but they might just cuddle with you for an evening, which could ease some of the hurt. Watch how much you wallow, watch how many people you ask to lick your wounds. Your wounds nasty and we won’t be putting our tongues there—trust us. Some sulking is good, but watch how many times you play Little Earthquakes. Stick with Tom Waits instead. He’ll appropriately commiserate and annoy your roommate far less than Tori.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Hmm…it looks as though Venus is bringing a new love to the Virgins when she comes back! It’s about time you had someone assist you in your enabling endeavors. Virgo, this person is just as likely to be a platonic friend as a romantic partner—or perhaps your current significant other is finally going to start being nice to you. Don’t be afraid to actually get excited about this development, for crying out loud! Sister Mary can hear the Virgo lament, “Yeah, (insert name) is awesome and even likes anal…but my boss is being such an ass…” CHRIST. Get over your woes and focus on the yummy things around you! Just because you’re happy doesn’t mean you’ve died and gone to Fake Heaven. Enjoy your gifts or someone else will happily enjoy them for you.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Hey, your home planet is coming back, too! And it’s your birthday??? Careful not to overextend yourself expecting everything to go exactly as you planned. The full moon in Pisces coming this week is going to make you even more sensitive than usual. It’s good because you’ll be more attune to what’s going on with people you care about—particularly what they’re not saying—but bad because you’re more likely to take the stupid things they say personally. Watch your money this week, trust that your peops will take care of your birthday celebration and you don’t have to hire the stripper yourself. Even though it’s your time to be the star, you may notice that you’ll be called to do the Balancing Act, again, with those around you who are out of whack. Darlin’, that’s just the way it goes, sometimes…

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You freaky nut, stewing in your toxic emotions will cause ulcers. In a classic Scorpio move, someone stepped all over Scorpio’s claws and they retreated under their rocks to devise a proper response. Contrary to popular belief, Scorpio knows the power of their venom and how mean they can be when crossed—which is the main reason for the sudden retreat. They do it for the good of humanity. Make sure, Scorpio, you are using your retreat time for cooling off, not developing more pissiness. Eventually you will need to leave the house for toilet paper and cat food. You may even run across the barista whose rude service sent you into flight. Avoid the urge to push said barista into traffic. If you must, do a better job than last time of making it look like an accident.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Looks as though Sagittarius is still reeling from the injuries they suffered during Venus’s vacation. But now that you’re somewhat on the mend, Sister Mary needs to deliver some annoying news: YOU WERE WARNED AND YOU DIDN’T LISTEN. Your friends had written on every wall of your house, “Your Lover Is A Jizz Licker” and you just kept bopping and boinking along. Naughty Sag. Guess what? It looks as though whoever was mean to you is going to make a startling return. Why? Hon, you’re simply more fun than everyone else on Match.com and stupid person simply didn’t realize it. Do not be tempted to make the same mistake again. If all Venus can do is bring you a double-dip, tell her to move along please, whore…nothing changes that quickly.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
While Venus may not have brought you a person to love and cherish, she brought Capricorn other fabulousness to celebrate. This past year has been one of extreme hard work and a lot of own-hair-pulling for the sign known for big dreams and impossible standards. This week, Capricorn will finally see a return for all of their extra hours and massive schmoozing. While many around you will lament the return of things they worked extremely hard to send away, you’re going to be smothering yourself in opportunity, recognition and hopefully cash. Go ahead, brag. You deserve it. But don’t drink too much blueberry vodka at your Self-Serving bash. First of all, you may have a Scorpio try to poison you. Second, your rewards are going to call for many more early mornings. Avoid hangovers at all cost.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
This week, Aquarius, you’re going to be summoned by Middle Earth to get the hell off that Eagle King and deal with all the crap going on down here. While you were out seeking higher perspective, Chaos crept in and took up residency on your couch. If you’re confused as to how to remove the unwelcome entity, consider taking advice from the bumbling wino on the subway. Most people would run away because that guy often stinks something supremely horrid, but your recent exploration of lofty realms taught you that the craziest, strangest places often have the simplest answers—once you can break down the mumbles into something coherent. It looks as though ruptures in relationships will be part of this Chaos. It may not affect you, flighty Aquarius, more than a day or two. But be sensitive as it may be affecting those you care about quite deeply. Watch how often you change the subject. Someone may need to you listen.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)

So, your own moon is taking up space in the Land of Balance (Libra Sun). Thank Goddess. It’s about time. Pisces, you’ve been nagged all year about managing stress and murdering those around you who create it. The Universe is tired of telling you to do it, and is going to go do it for you. But just this once, and don’t you dare screw it up. You’ll find that the middle of this week will bring clarity of sight and intention of what to do with the plethora of dead bodies. Gee, you had no idea so many people were irritating you! Of course, Pisces who doesn’t adjust well to new environments may not take well to this new “peaceful, warm and fuzzy” disposition surrounding them and decide to surround themselves with carbon copies of the assholes God just removed. This will piss Her off. Greatly. Don’t piss off God. That’s your only assignment this week.

Take your Mantra and Call in the Morning

2007-09-17T22:00:00.001-07:00

Rather calm sky these days, Sister Mary is pleased to report. However, Neptune and Uranus are still in cursed Retrograde, which means your questions about God will remain unanswered for the time being and your novel, unfinished.

Yes, even Sister Mary discovered her philosophical questions will likely go unheeded this week. In fact, this evening she went down the street to the local Blockbuster only to find that they no longer carry “Monty Python’s The Meaning Of Life.” Further proof to add to her petition to Mother Superior for a Netflix subscription for the Convent.

Never fear, Great Sinners! When you are down, and troubled and need a groping hand, let Sister Mary assist you in your groping for light in a time of darkness, confusion and Clearwater drizzle eroding your natural creative juices through the air waves! Your Horrorscopes this week will describe the biggest philosophical battles you and your zodiac kin are currently facing as well as mantras to help you steer through!

‘Tis the week of Sept. 16-22! Read, listen and know thyself well…’

Aries (March 21-April 19)
“God hates me and therefore shits on me all the friggin’ time. Therefore, I hate God and shall go shit on Him. Where is that Holy Bastard?”
Ah, yes, Aries the great martyr of the sky. Many signs enjoy playing their own cranky violin—but no one believes in their right to bitch more than an Aries. Often, Aries is so angry from the piano recently dropped upon his/her head, they can’t see through the red to notice that second piano close to dropping as well. What Aries would learn from realizing that the Holy Bastard exists in all of us—including you! Seek the Holy Bastard within yourself—for there you shall find the correct place to shit.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
“ I wanna be a Toys R’ Us kid for evah and evah and evah.”
Ah, yes…but do you recall the days when Mom had to grant you permission to do friggin’ everything? Of course not, you’re Taurus. You charmed your way out of having to wipe your own booty. However, grown-up world comes to us all. At least, those of us without trust funds. The Great Taurus Mantra can be as such: “When I go to work, I make money. When I make money, I buy pretty things. Pretty things=good. Good things=Happy Me.” Many a Taurus out there will scoff, for many a Taurus works quite hard for the money. But Taurus, do you not secretly pout and wish for the days of cradle and rattle? Say goodbye to the old, little one. Get to work on time today.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
“I panic in the stillness, therefore, I press through.”
…and when you press through the guard rail or police line, your head shall crack somehow. Rapid, over-caffeinated, ADD Gemini seeks for something new everyday. New ideas, new friends, new walls with which to collide. You see, Gemini, you’re not always missing out on all the fun if you stay home two nights a week. Gemini would do well to repeat, If I anticipate stupidity, I shall avoid concussions. Quite esoteric, yes. But deftly true.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
“I cry, I cry, for without tears, I die…”
The sad news is that crying to get what we want or what we want to get out of, is so early 20th century romance novel it causes Sister Mary to cringe. So effective, too! And economical to boot! The truth is that many of we Cancers merely get our way because others are tired of our whining and just give it to us. Those victories have the same spiritual nutrition as a Weight Watchers microwave dinner, served lukewarm. Fellow Cancers, learn the meaning of grace and bat your sacred eyelashes in the direction of your desires. Flirting generates better Karma than whining.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
“I shall leap rivers and knock down walls, for that is the test of true love.”
And the quickest way to ER or jail! Leo wants to understand why they end up with so many injuries on a regular basis. Ah, love causes them to do such crazy f-d up things. Leo must learn patience and the virtue of a phone call or email instead of stretching out naked on the threshold of their desire which is, first of all, stalker material and second, quite chilly now that we’re nearing the fall months. If Leo does not achieve that which Leo so desperately desires, Leo would do well to meditate on “It’s not me, it’s them.” For it is silly to take it all so damn personally.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
“Save me from myself, so that I shall be free from having to deal with me.”
Oh, Virgo. That’s silly. No one can save you from yourself. If it’s any consolation to you, you’re far beyond help! So stop looking for redemption in other humans just as jaded and flawed as yourself. Now that you’ve received this news, you are free to go feel sorry for yourself—but only for a moment or two. Then come back and play with us because someone needs to be the logical one and it sure as hell ain’t gonna be Sister Mary. Be patient with us, now that you know we can’t save you. With your new knowledge, your mantra ought to be, “I shall forgive the moronic ones, for they know not how they annoy the crap out of me.”

Libra (September 23-October 22)
“Let’s go. NOW.”
Libran magicians have spent eons in their towers trying to pull the forces of the future into the present, and only ended up with funky smelling gas. There is no way to speed up the arrival of the things you want, short of speeding up the spin of the planet—which might just cause us all to fall off. Besides, why do you need to go barreling into the yet to come when there is so much delicious chaos surrounding you now? Go out and cause trouble. That shall keep you rooted in the present. Here’s your new mantra: “Sparkle! Pretty! Mine! Mine! Mine!”

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
“I think, therefore, I think I need to nail things.”
Yes, Scorpio, while you may be ruled by the great Cock in the Sky, it doesn’t mean your life’s purpose is to run around and try to stick it in things. It’s not safe, in this disease ridden era. Plus, it makes you look slutty in a bad sort of way. Perhaps your need to screw is being confused with a need to create—art or commerce, not necessarily offspring. But despite how magically delicious you may be, you’re not necessarily able to fart out your desires on a first go round. Things take a long time to come to fruition. A good thing to chant when you start to lose it would be, “The time it takes to grow a tree, is not the planet conspiring against me.” Plenty of other things are conspiring against you, Scorpio. Just not foliage.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
“If I can do nothing about it, I shall run it over with my car.”
And it will go splat, splooge and smell pretty icky when the sun finds it! Oh, Sag. So much useful energy wasted on the Can’t Do Shit About It. Short of mass extinction, there is little Sag can do to be rid of all the people and things that get under their sensitive skin. The best course of action would be to simply gag all the people who annoy you—although there probably isn’t that much leather in the world. This is why God invented the IPod. Sag should repeat, “I shall plug my ears against that which sucks.” Keep your eyes and ears open to injustice, but close them to bullshit. That’s the key to an ulcerless-Sag.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
“It’s all about me, isn’t it? Why the f*ck not???”
Capricorn laments all that did not go their way, through all stages of their life. They can probably remember losing out on the lead in the Hanukkah Pageant at eight years old. Denying the Capricorn what they want is the gravest of betrayals. Sort of. In their mind, anyway. The big secret is that the rest of us aren’t paying attention!!! Here, Capricorn. Something else for you chew on for awhile: “I shall get over it, and then I shall get over it.” Liberating! Innovative! Thank the Goddess someone finally told you….

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
“What?”
Over here, Water Bearer! Over here! That’s right, it’s your turn! Life would be so much easier if we all were the light footed creatures Aquarians are. Although we’d quickly run out of civilization. We’d be running around barefoot and eating alley cats—and having a stupendous time of it—but then we’d get cold and wonder what happened to central heating. Aquarians reading this have likely already wandered away from the computer. If you’re involved with an Aquarius and want to help them out, here’s what you do: Tie them to a chair and force them to look at the news. They ought to know what’s going on. “Pay attention. Something cool will happen.” The cool part isn’t a guarantee, but it will keep them interested for a moment.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
“I ain’t got nothin’.”
Oh, that’s such a lie and you know it. Melancholy Pisces likes to dip deep in that nasty well of “Woe is I…stuff so sucks!” They come out smelling like mildew and old man pee and say, “What? I feel no pain.” (They’re lousy liars.) Cheer up, Pisces! Most of you reading this live in the richest country in the world! True, matters of the heart often weigh the heaviest and Pisces carries one heavy heart through most of their life. But you’re also full of deep wisdom and insight that everyone needs to hear, even if they bitch about it. Pisces ought to say, “All right, at least I got somethin’.” That’s closer to reality.

Coming!!!!!

2007-09-17T05:16:00.000-07:00

Hello my beauties,

Sister Mary is running a wee bit slow this morning...this weekend was the semi-annual pogo bouncing tournament here at the Convent, and Sister Mary is in desperate need of having her loins massaged. (She did place second, however!!! Thank you for all of your cheering!!!)

Horrorscopes will be posted this evening.

Enjoy your day!!!

xoxo
SMM

Sigh of moderate relief....

2007-09-09T11:11:00.000-07:00

Like all flakey lovers, Venus is finally coming back around. She’s not FULLY back yet, but yes. She missed her complicated, dramatic and destructive relationship with planet Earth and is doing the cosmic equivalent of emailing to ask about the cat, and weaseling in a way to say I miss you and it’s so friggin’ confusing and you wonder why she just doesn’t come out and SAY she misses you instead of just saying she’s “working through things”...uh, yeah. Sister Mary is projecting and going to stop now.

Seriously, though. Venus is beginning her spectacular return which should be complete in the middle of October. Old lovers from the past begin popping out of the woodwork like cockroaches—when you see one, there are ten more stalking you on MySpace. You’re doing it to them, too. Don’t lie. Maybe the beginning of the return of the Romance Planet will distract you from the problems you’re having dealing with creativity issues and the meaning of God (both symptoms of having Uranus and Neptune in cursed Retrograde). Hope you had some fun this weekend, because both the sun and moon will be in Virgo for most of the coming week, which means OCD-level attention to spell-check at the job will be required. You may find your boss spontaneously firing all illegal alien employees, possibly even fleeing back to Saturn herself. Virgos worry, and so there is likely to be plenty of paranoia to feed it in the coming days.

It’s the week of September 9-15!!! Don’t get TOO depressed…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
How many Aries spent last week sleeping on the couch because of some do-do bird statement said to their touchy-touchy significant other? Billions, surely. This is particularly true if Aries happened to be involved with a Taurus or Pisces, both of whom spent most of last week fuming and stewing. Aries, Czar/Czarina of “I REALLY don’t want to DEAL with this SH*T right now…” is going to have to drop the pissy ego and go talk to the other person. I guarantee, they’re already checking out your brother because you were an inconsiderate wiener. Kid brother “understands so much better.” Plan on the rift taking awhile to heal, because it will. Be patient or go away.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
No one is going to appreciate the return of Venus more than poor little Taurus, who lamented its loss like a cheerleader stood up at the prom. Things of a romantic nature will perk up for Taurus this week—much to the delight of many an AstrologyExplained Taurean reader, who have been requesting Hot Date readings for awhile. While your date may not be hot, your date will definitely be sweet and probably buy you presents. If you’re partnered, said partner will not completely abandon the super-annoying things you’ve been hoping they would, but they’ll be making a better effort to do the dishes and stop peeing on the seat. Changes take time, particularly pretty, happy changes. Be patient and call your local Aries. They’ll sympathize.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Welcome to Wild and Wacky Gemini Week, where your already imbalanced serotonin levels will reincarnate into a brand new Six Flags Ride that will leave everyone around you either whiplashed or nauseous. Hold off on all trips to the DMV as it’s definitely a good time to avoid assholes. That includes your socially inept but usually tolerable drinking buddies. Some major personal issues need to be addressed and for you, Gemini, it looks to be a work-related conundrum. Use this Virgo-Virgo thing to your advantage. You could use the focus (duh) and more people will be open to listen to you yammer.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
If you, Cancer, are reading this, then you survived the turmoil of last week. We, the sentimental critters, felt Venus’s loss and slow, creepy return almost as strongly as our Taurus brothers and sisters. The major issue of this week will be to understand that we’re emotionally exhausted and not so capable of dealing with insensitive comments said in our general direction. We’re not only going to have to avoid assholes, we’re actually going to have to dump/fire/stab them. Crabs, who would rather loose an arm than release the claw, suck at this. We’ve got to learn that repeating mistakes doesn’t make up for it. It leads to additional therapist bills and alcohol poisoning.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Wow. I loathe seeing an unhappy Leo, but something at the end of last week has caused our Leos to trip over their lower lips through even the coolest parties all weekend! It doesn’t look like it was anything too devastating. The other kittens at the party wanted to rusty old Spin the Bottle, while you were purring and ready to play Extreme Strip Poker. Do you understand that not everyone looks as good in a split-crotch tanga as you do? Forcing them to expose their moth eaten Granny-Panties simply turns you into a bully, and no one likes that. You’re not as likely to see as many super cool opportunities in the coming days as you’d like, but take heart. I feel an invitation to take a burlesque class coming your sweet way.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Perhaps you had a milestone birthday this year, and your gift from the Universe was the keys to Its primordial secrets. Not likely, but if so, please send Sister Mary a copy of the soon-to-be-best-seller about it, with a naked picture of you attached. Even if the Universe did grant you such a gift, do you actually think you’re going to have any more luck than thousands of modern scientists in overturning Creationist notions? Your truth about the Big Bang being in actuality a Big Ink Fart from a Cosmic Octopus will impress upon few. Whatever juicy tid-bit you discovered, keep it to yourself and ponder it at this time. You, Virgo, are excellent at this pondering thing, but not always so good at keeping stuff in. Work on keeping your mouth shut. You’ll find it easier to obsess.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Well, we’ve unfortunately hit a rough patch for the Libras of the Universe. Some kind of something had to be left behind on this stage of their cosmic journey. Take heart. The company blocking Gmail means you’re less likely to piss someone off by putting in your significant other’s chat window what should have belonged in your extra-lover’s. Oopsie! And your significant other happens to be your boss? You could be dodging a giant bullet, Libra. You’ll need lots of eye-batting to keep that job and piece of ass. You won’t get enormous amounts of sympathy for this loss, as your constantly breaking through your friends’ BUSY sign was getting on their nerves. Use your slacking on the job time for more productive purposes, such as researching the things mean nasty Walmart is up to now. It’ll make you sound smarter at the coffee house, too.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
I think you should call a discussion group for Aries, Geminis and Scorpios to sit around and discuss communication issues. But call me first and let me know where it is so I can be FAR, FAR AWAY. That’s a scary combination, there. Scorpio, you too are missing cues and mistakenly thinking everyone around you is speaking Ancient Greek. Take the time to stop and ask for clarification. Avoid your trait of maneuvering what you don’t like hearing into something you’d rather hear, i.e.: “You’re saying you want me to untie you, but what I’m hearing is you want me to call your sister and have her come over, too…” This will get you nowhere and re-establish your already creepy vibe. Listen to what others are saying, and don’t respond to any of it. Go meditate and write some inane private blog about it. Others will appreciate and deep down, you do so want to please.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Wrapped in the arms of LOVE this week, it looks like! Wait. Still don’t have our Love Planet back. Well, Sag can still be wrapped in the arms of what looks like Love, but is actually Love’s morbid twin, Suck—who has razor blades for arms. (No, I wasn’t a gothic teen, but I sat next to plenty in English class) Sag has hurt feelings this week, and it looks like something their partner, lover or crush object did. Sag, everyone forgets that you have feelings. It’s sad and mean, but it’s true. You’re just so damn happy most of the time! You need to speak up about your wounds and ask for a lot of flowers, liquor and ice cream to make up for it. You’re certainly worth it. Was this an Aries? Ask for even more. Those kids got into serious trouble last week…

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Oh, what? You’re jealous that Sag is getting all the attention so you want to have a pity party, too? Sorry, Capricorn, I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but your latest drama just doesn’t have enough draw. You’re tapping your cloven foot in the corner, waiting for your turn to get attention. That’s only going to make people less likely to buy you beer. I think you had a very similar reading last week. If you’re making me repeat myself, I’m totally coming after you with the biggest ruler in the whole, wide world and you won’t find it kinky. No, not even a little.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Your happy streak last week will stay with you at least until Wednesday! It would be so great if we could all learn something from your bunny-sunshine attitude, but it looks as though we’re all more likely to be gigantic jizz-sickles to you, instead. We’re jealous. End of story. You’ll probably find yourself dancing all alone in the club, because we all got sick of watching you catch all the sexy barflies. If you find yourself dancing alone in the street, we left because people think you’re weird. If you’re dancing alone on the roof, come down. You are disallowed further trips to the ER, Death-Wish-Water-Bearer. Enjoy this time alone, play and/or entertain yourself before Mama Chaos returns.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Another spiritual/philosophical/conspiratorial revelation, Pisces? You plan on embracing this one, or ignoring it again? You are only allowed a certain number of enlightened moments. Pisces tend to get more than most of the signs, but often lack the Get-Off-The-Couch-ity to put them into a sort of practice that will benefit the world. You’d better act on it this time, because The Great Bringer of Suck has Her wandering eye on you. That dream about flying monkeys breaking through your windows and soaring off with your peanut butter and pickles may be a sign to finally get some security gates in place. Sister Mary will hold no sympathy for you should you ignore your premonitions.

Multi-Retrogrades...

2007-09-02T12:36:00.000-07:00

…but they’re not all so bad. Thank the Goddess: Mercury happens to be in town this week, and since we’re in Virgoville, it’s a good time to have overly analytical conversations about everything that’s been bugging you this year. Venus, one of the many Retrogrades, will leave us all babbling over Chilean red about what’s missing from our romantic spectrum. On top of that, Uranus has been backing our slowly (hee hee), which may explain why you suddenly suck at improv. Uranus, being the planet of Innovation and Genius Qualities can seriously drain our creativity when pulling out. Virgo-time is generally a time for focusing on projects and suffering creative blocks during this time doubly sucks. Oh, yeah. Neptune is Retrograding, too. Neptune governs spiritual innovation, and if you’ve never wondering if God is dead—you may find yourself wondering just that in the coming days. Alternately, if you’ve always been pretty sure God is dead, your spiritual forensic evidence may turn up flat and useless—your arguments failing in the face of Team Born Again. Wait….PLUTO is in Retrograde, too!!! So, NASA says it’s not a real planet. That doesn’t change the fact that the little icy beauty is up there wringing things around in the Cosmos. Pluto, governing the occult, will make your Magic 8 ball spin out of wack during its backwards bounce. It looks as though we’re all going to be contemplating love, God and our own contributions to the evolution of humanity in the coming few weeks—and feeling like a failure at all of it. You know, light stuff.

Wait! Don’t get down hearted! The moon is in Taurus so it’s a fabulous time to make money! Go out there, earn and spend like the good little Capitalists you are. No, the Evil Empire did not pay me to say this (although they should…). With Mercury and Mars hanging around, you’ll have plenty of people to debate and discuss the things mentioned above. When it gets to be too much, do some retail therapy. But only for a short while. It’s a means to an end, not a personal philosophy.

And if you’re in New York City this week, come out to the Ass-tro Hour next weekend!!!

The Ass-tro Hour
Saturday, Sept. 8, 9:00 PM
Stain Bar766 Grand Street
brooklyn, ny 11211(L to Grand, 1 block west)
718/387-7840
http://www.stainbar.com/
$FREE

Special guests this week: Michele Carlo (of The MOTH, The Liar, Producer and Host of It Came From New York) tells the unbelievable true story: “Night of the Black Chrysanthemums”: growing up between warring Santaria neighbors. Also, Voodoo Priestess Lilith Dorsey with true tales of things she’s seen and done in her world of New Orleans Voodoo. Of course, Ass-trological Q&A and the World Famous Magic Microphone!!! Show up, fools!!!
Welcome to the Week of September 2-8!!! It’s all going to rain thorn-less roses from here on out…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries, good work. You fought firmly for your little piece of being right and finally gave up when whatever beast you were fighting couldn’t feel the bricks you flung at its hard head. This is part of something you’re learning at present—when to give up before you collapse, exhausted, into the pile of garbage on the sidewalk. If you feel like your retreat was in weakness, listen to Sister Mary. It wasn’t. Sure, you might be hearing chicken “bwak-bwaks” from surrounding morons. Give them the finger and walk away. This ego battle you’ve been fighting all year is unappealing. It’s time to cross the threshold and move on into an even more annoying ego-battle. Hey, no one said it would ever stop…just morph a bit.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Damn. All sorts of things happened to Taurus this week. I’m inclined to blame Aries, but perhaps it’s because I’ve just finished their reading. Your sensitive little selves got hurt in some drunken barroom verbal blowout and you stormed off angrily. Now, Taurus. Not everyone likes to chase an angry bull. Have you any clue how freaky you look when you’re pissed? The person or situation from which you stormed is not pursuing you because they’re rather not end up with your horns up their booty. Take this time to cool off. Mercury’s influence will help you better express yourself while your home planet is away. Approach those who need approaching and speak calmly, but don’t expect them to come looking for you.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
With the Communication gods abounding, you’ll probably be called in to, in the very least, entertain people with your rambling stories, if not provide some good, solid wisdom. Normally, Gemini, you become frustrated because you don’t feel people adequately listen to you. This won’t be such an issue this week as your fast talking ways will be comforting to many a wounded ego. Most Geminis have recently experienced personal break-throughs or break-downs which have supplied them with much wisdom to impart. But don’t forget to do your own share of listening. When friends come for comfort, set an egg timer for six minutes. That’s your talking time. When it’s up, set it again for six minutes, which will be your listening time. It’s a good time to solidify relationships of all kinds, so take advantage of the egg timer.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
They say Saturn: Planet of Disruption is finally moving out of the Cancerian realm. Don’t know about you kittens, but Sister Mary hasn’t had a break yet. Cancers crave peace, yet we have a hard time pulling out of drama. This week, even our most sincere efforts to avoid insanity will not prevail. For some reason, we’ll be flung back into the Chaos mixing bowl as a primary ingredient. The good news is that it won’t be terribly damaging, and will provide plenty of fodder for ironic laughter over cold beer next weekend. Take deep breaths and keep the condom strapped tight. It’s going to be another wild week.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
I’m so thankful to have finally pulled a reading that won’t send you kittens right back under the couch. Leo, Oracles in the Cauldron are not nearly as nasty as they appear. Remember that next time you find yourself all upset over a particularly foreboding-sounding horrorscope. Anyway…couple’s counseling worked well, right? That’s what the monkeys are chattering, anyway. Your careful choice of “I” statements instead of “You Bastard” statements in last week’s dramatic chapter lead to a solidified position in your current partnership—friend, lover or dungeon master. Now, the lesson has not yet been completed. It will take awhile for the safety words to catch on, so don’t expect lashings—symbolic or actual—to cease, or continue, as you’d like in the immediate. Patience, gentle lion. You know you’ve got it in you.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgo was like a Hobbitt this week—giving away cool stuff on their birthday. Attention Non-Virgos: they totally pulled one over on us. The tube socks and label-makers they gave away in abundance were actually leftover White Elephant presents from last year’s office Christmas party. Hell, I needed a label maker for the herb cabinet—so it worked out fine over here. Virgo, it was sure as hell time you let go of some of that stuff. In fact, you should continue to do so! Now this is what’s harder. Time to give up the Retro NES because it’s keeping you confined to your parents’ basement when you should be out on the prowl for hotties. It’s your birthday! Who wants to pass up a possible birthday adventure? You, do, Virgo, because you’re still obsessed with getting Mario to jump the flagpole. You don’t get extra lives for that. Trust Sister Mary, she knows.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras have all been too DAMN HAPPY these past few months and it was pissing the rest of us off. Libra who sailed through Mercury’s Tyrannical Retrograde earlier this summer; Libra who has so far simply shrugged at Venus’s horrendous disappearance. Libra, your luck isn’t about to change, but your attitude is for some reason. Someone must have run over your sandaled feet with a grocery cart at just the right angle, bringing up a horridly repressed memory locked in an inconspicuous toe. Why are you suddenly picking at your significant other for their behavior at your mom’s house three Thanksgivings ago? Why are you suddenly writing poetry about the high school English teacher you severely crushed-on, the one who went to jail for groping your best friend? Libra, these things don’t seem to need to be rehashed, but you seem to think they do. Journal them, and then burn the journal for god’s sake. Please don’t blog or blather about this to people. We’re all going to get creeped out.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Ah, so it was a triumphant week for our rulers of Chaos! Yes, there is a note that the Scorpios of the Universe managed to wrangle the prince or princess out of the tower of doom (I don’t know why I need fantasy images to explain Scorpio…but it seems to work) and sped off on their magical scooter to a far away land. It wasn’t until they got to the faraway land that Scorpio discovered they didn’t have very much in common with the coveted royalty. Now, they’re stuck with an OCD-ridden drama-priss who still isn’t over their ex and snores to boot. Maybe it’s time you acknowledged that your impulsive streak can damage others as well as yourself. Politely tell the prince or princess that eloping might have been a mistake and give them plenty of cab fare to get back to the tower. Then, run, run, RUN. Faster, you lard-ass. Do NOT let this situation follow you.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
So, your disruption of last week cost you a bunch of cash. That’s what happens when you let crazy Aunt Carla drive the car instead of pulling her license like the doctor said to. Since you’re without cash, don’t use this time to knock down walls in the garage that are probably better off as they are. Try that meditation thing you’ve been meaning to get to. Focus on becoming a more evolved spiritual being so that next lifetime, you can come back as a Queen or Emperor with lots of cash to throw at problems such as these. This will help with your focus, which will help you to be able to actually read through a horrorscope before the shiny object becomes too fascinating. Did you get that? Sag? Hello? Damnit.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn, you too ran out of cash this week and few signs hate that more than you do. But you didn’t lose your resources because you were being a drunken moron who dropped their wallet on the subway tracks. You “lost” your money because you were called upon to be the grown-up. Increasing your student loan payments, knocking off a credit card debt, helping a frazzled sibling get Dad into a new adult day care you hope won’t kick him out this time…Capricorn, the Universe will reward you. Don’t do your typical “Woe is I, my well is dry and none of you assholes CARE!” dance. We do kind of care. In fact, some of us more than “kind of” care and want to buy you dinner for being so appropriately martyr-istic. Do us a favor and bring the Capricorn charm when we take you out, not the goat braying.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
One of the few signs with occasion for joy this week…yay, Aquarius!!! A multitude of problems were solved and harmony restored in all the delicious places. You deserve it. Aquarius is one of the few signs in which it’s hard to resent their happiness. You’re just too darn sweet to resent. Surely, there are a few of us out there, so ignore anyone who grumbles at you. Enjoy this peaceful week and snuggle with your sweeties, if you got ‘em. Don’t burrow too deeply into your cozy little nest. There’s lots of fun to be had in the late summer sunshine, and many of us could use your happy-happy-joy-joy energy. Come out and play!!!

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Oh, Pisces. I cannot believe I pulled this reading for you again. Trapped in a situation created by events out of your hands, you’re sitting on the side of the road again, smoking cigarettes and feeling incredibly sorry for yourself. Pisces, wanting the situation to go away does not equate to situation actually going away. The Universe is going to send one more big, giant revelation your way to try and help. Take advantage of this revelation and use it to get out of this predicament. If you don’t, you’ll end up sunburned on the side of the great Cosmic Freeway. Over and out.