Also known as a Rising Sign.
Also known as Courtney had a very long weekend and is a little too tired to give this a proper explanation.
While your sun sign is determined by the month in which you were born, the moon sign by the day you were born, the Ascendant/Rising Sign is determined by the hour in which you were born--also important to note where you were born.
Your Rising Sign corresponds to how you relate to others and is a strong factor in the first impression people have about you. As a Cancer girl with a Scorpio rising, people who meet me, first assume that I'm up to no good. And then, they find out that I'm this really nice Cancer girl--who just happens to have kind of a warped sense of humor. It's only later that they should have trusted their instincts, when it turns out that I'm actually up to no good all of the time.
This is why, boys and girls, always go with your instincts. That's the reason we have Rising Signs.
This is all I'm going to say about it. You're not even reading this. You've already scrolled down for your weekly Horrorscope.
To find your Rising Sign, I will again refer you to http://www.astro.com/.
Welcome to the week of January 29-February 4!!!
Aries (March 21-April 20)
Thank Goddess--whatever was bugging the hell out of you last week you are FINALLY over it! Seize this moment, little Ram soldiers! It only comes once in a while, so take full advantage of getting over it! This is why we love Aries. You burn and burn and burn and burn and then you're done. My special crystal ball says that you will finally tell off that co-worker who keeps borrowing your stapler without asking and as a result, you'll find yourself getting to keep all of your office supplies. My advice to you is to try as hard as you possibly can to have constructive conversation, instead of lighting your co-worker's desk on fire. We all know they deserve it, but you might end up unemployed. Either way you go, at the end of the week, you'll find that this is not bothering you anymore. Yay for you!!!
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
A certain Taurus told me that I was particularly mean to the bulls of the Zodiac last week. Must I remind you that first of all, I'm far meaner to Scorpio and second of all, I have no control over what the Heavens want you to know. I only say it in a way that's vaguely funny. Anyway, the Heavens tell me you didn't pay attention to your Horrorscope last week. You were too mad at me for being mean. This week, the Heavens say we don't always get accolades that we deserve for the work that we do. When things become a bigger pain in the ass than they should be, sometimes we just need to chill out and wait for them to become less of a pain in the ass. In the end, the outcome may be better! Or, we just stop caring. And then it doesn't matter! Sometimes rest is needed in perseverance. And sometimes it's a big help. So love me, damnit. I love you. (Note to all Taurus people: My Taurus sister just cut off a foot of gorgeous her hair to give to cancer patients. Role Model Taurus is my sister, in fact: role model everything. I'd like to say I would, but my hair is dyed.)
Gemini (May 22-June 21)
A certain Gemini told me that my forecasts for the cute little twins are "half-way right, half-way off." I just want to point out that this is very typical of a Gemini. Half the time, they're with me--half the time it's: "No, Courtney. You're full of shit." This week, Bobsey Twins, you must understand that "doing without doing, and everything gets done" is a true story. Tall order, I know. But especially when you're trying to solve a problem using the same methods that failed to solve that problem the first 137 times you tried to solve that problem, I can pretty much guarantee that it's not going to work on the 138th time you try to solve this problem. (Did that sentence make any sense?) Let's try using unconventional methods. I realize that your reading also sounds quite a bit like your reading from last week, so you must not have paid a lot of attention. Bad Gemini. You think I'm doing this for my health? I'm clearly not doing it for the salary.....
Cancer (June 22-July 23)
Oh my god. What a week. I am so glad it's over, I can't even express it to you in modern English. Check the bottom of my empty beer glass. Cancers! Our shitty week is over and the stars promise that this coming week will be so much better!!!! Now, our problem is that we collapse into every emotion we possibly can come up with, the good as well as the bad. So, we're going to be so relieved that this week is going well, that we'll be running around our places of employment scattering rose petals and singing a Disney song. This is going to get on people's nerves. Keep the songs for the shower and let's not get all pissy when other people don't feel like being showered with rose petals. Let's try not to take that personally. But I promise--you can call me, and I'll be there with you. I love rose petals. And Disney songs. I would be happy to share in your happiness. Just keep in mind that other people won't like us much this week, and that doesn't mean they're going to rain on our corny little parade when they scowl at us.
Leo (July 24-August 23)
There were so many of you brats at this party last night, oh my god. And of course, many had read this blog and said, "Fab-u-lous, huh? I'm a Leo! I'm a Leo!" Okay, just because I said you Leos are good in the sack, does not mean I want to test out every one of you. Typical, typical Leo. At least the other signs at this party pretended to have some kind of modesty. Don't let people take you for a ride this week, friend. And don't forget to take a nap. You're cranky when you're tired. What you need to do is calm down, chill out and take a look around this week. You may notice that someone is taking advantage of you, which really pisses me off because I tend to like Leos. Also, the cards are saying that if you're looking for a new job or chance with that guy/girl you've been secretly crushing on, it's a good week to make a move. Wow. That really sounded astrologer-y. Watch for quiet little opportunities to do something cool, and don't lend anybody any money. They probably will forget to pay you back. Or lie and say they forgot. Just don't. xoxo
Virgo (August 24-September 23)
I got an email from a Virgo this week that pretty much said, "There may be something to it, but I kind of think astrology is bunk." I pointed out that this is the most Virgo thing I've ever heard in my life. Even this Virgo couldn't argue with the fact that Virgos just don't really get into astrology. Sad, but true. You're missing out on a lot of fun. So for the one Virgo in the world who actually reads this column, this one's for you: You can't repeat the old and not suffer. Oh yes, I know your solution worked last time for a specific situation--guess what, buddy. Rules have changed, new situation requires new instruction manual. Oh, wait. You don't get an instruction manual. Stop trying to use your old bag of tricks. They're more like matches, they're only going to work once. And quit psychoanalyzing what you're reading from me at this moment. I'm only telling you what I see in the tea leaves.
Libra (September 24-October 23)
The reason we all love you Libras is that you actually try to make relationships work. This week, you don't need to push too hard. Wait for the other person to do a little pushing of their own. I know waiting is one of the hardest things a Libra could ever do, but here's your chance to practice. Take up knitting. Knit me something pretty. Send it to me. It's cold in New York this week. By the time you finish, said person over whom you're obsessing will have done their pushing. Wow. Seems as though all the signs are being told to wait and chill, baby, chill. But I meant it about the knitting thing. It really is cold this week.
Scorpio (October 24-November 22)
Hi baby. I'm back. You do love me. You're doing your shifty little thing again and disappearing from your loved ones for whatever stupid reason you have this week. Sometimes you can get away with it and frankly, as a Cancer, I understand. (Must. Withdraw. Into. Shell.) But not this week, Scorpio. As much as you can't stand it, you're going to have to be attentive to those around you because they don't have the patience for your bullshit right now. And frankly, there may be important things you need to attend to. So instead of curling up in your room with your Tori Amos c.d., wondering why the world doesn't understand you (besides, we know you like the fact that you're mysterious), get out there and at least pretend to attend to your significant others, family and friends. You can go hide next week.
Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)
Damn. You kids throw great parties. Even Aries got tipsy. You, like your friend Scorpio, are going to need to be more attentive to your people. Unfortunately for you, Sag's are lousy, lousy liars. It's going to have to be genuine. You don't fake things well. You are too damn honest. Dig deep and find compassion for your people's silly little dramas. They are probably just as silly as you think they are, but the truth is that you love these people enough to put up with them. Throw another one of your awesome parties. Maybe they'll forget their stupid dramas. You know you threw a great party when Aries got drunk and didn't throw any punches! Don't know anyone else who can get away with that!!!
Capricorn (December 22-January 20)
My fellow astrologer-Cancerian-Irish girl-Former Catholic gently called my attention to the fact that I've been way too nice to Capricorns so far. She mentioned that I overlooked the bi-polar nature of this sign and I explained to her, "Well, the reason I didn't say that is because I know a few too many crazy Capricorns--and they know where I live." Oops. I just said that. Yes, yes I did. I'm afraid you've got a bad week coming, Cappy Corn. Defenses are down, you're going to be mad about something again and you are not listening to your inner voice of wisdom. I know it's in there somewhere. Try to find the prime source and let it all go away. Also, you won't be able to lean on anyone this week. Universe wants you to learn from your mistakes. How many more times do you need to be told? Stop leaning on other people. Especially Cancers. We are not answering cell phone calls this week. We're very busy singing Disney songs and throwing rose petals. (Drip drip drop little April showers!!!)
Aquarius (January 21-February 19)
If you're having aches and pains this week, you should have had more water before going to your birthday party. But you know, who cares! Growing pains, my friend. That's what's in store for you this week. Emotions like to sneak up on Aquarians, generally optimistic little devils, and suddenly they look around and say, "Hey. I'm sad. Why me sad? Life good!" Babe, we all get the blues. Did your cat run away? Was your friend mean to you? Your Dad didn't make parole? Maybe that's why you're sad. Don't be confused by these feelings. Don't drive to Canada. I promise you'll feel better soon. There's always next week! And at that time, you'll have forgotten all about this week, anyway!
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Good week for Pisces. It's about time! Every sign this week was getting shit on. It's nice to end this way! Looks as though you took my golden advice from last week: applied for a job. Took a shower. Brushed your teeth. And the world was receptive to you! See? Hygiene=good. Stinky=bad. Enjoy this time and shine like the little goldfish that you are. Get out there and continue to make things happen for yourself. Unfortunately, goldfish only live like, two days. Enjoy life, because it's short. Call up some old friends and be sure to call your mom, too. She worries.
Quote of the week: "She's a Goya cat."
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Baby, what's your MOON sign???
If you hang out with Pagans, Witches, New-Agers or anybody of Hippy-Dippy persuasion, you've undoubtedly heard not just: "I'm a (insert sign here.)" You've more likely heard, "I'm a (sign) with a (another sign) moon and a (another another sign) rising.
Good God! Isn't one enough????
When I start going off into one of my astrology rants, a lot of people look at me bewildered and say, "What's a moon sign? What's mine?"
"Don't worry," I say. "Your moon sign is a very special part of you and whatever one you have is beautiful and radiant and all your own."
Your moon sign is whatever was rising on the horizon behind the moon on the day you were born. While your Sun sign (the thing you look up in your weekly horrorscope) covers the month in which you were born, your moon sign will be specific to your day.
What the hell does THAT mean, Weber?
A lot, actually. Your sun sign--in my case, Cancer--is what you present to the outside world every day. Your "Outer-Ego," blah diddy blah. Your moon sign is that part of you that doesn't get to see the (bad pun coming) light of day often--the side of you reserve for family, close friends, and people you really hate. My moon sign is Scorpio. This makes every one's eyes widen and say, "Ohhhhh........." Basically, it means that I'm pretty friendly and chipper and will make you quite at home upfront. However, I have this big ol' Scorpio stinger just waiting to get out on it's own time.
(Part of my astro profile says I have "a way of saying things which makes me appear skeptical and cynical." Huh. Is that true, y'all????)
You can find your Moon Sign here: http://www.astro.com/horoscopes/ahor.asp . Click on Personal Profile. It's free, but you have to give them a little personal information--such as your name, birthdate and birthplace. This does mean that a group of evil nerds will have more access to you and your internet use to sell to consumer data groups but, hey! It's free! (And they are already watching you, anyway. They know you read me. Just so you know.)
Once you determine your Moon Sign, you can read more about it and it will help explain why you're such a crazy bitch or bastard!
Welcome to the week of January 22-28, boys and girls!!!
(By the way, these are all Sun Sign Horrorscopes. Don't want nun of y'all to get all confus-ed.)
Aries (March 21-April 20)
You really need to chill this week, my friend. Yes, your co-workers are morons. Yes, your friends and family are hopeless and incompetent. But what you need to understand is that EVERYONE sometimes feels this way about the people in their lives. You, Aries, tend to think that you are the only one surrounded by idiots. You are soooo not alone in your martyrdom! In regards to whatever project you have going on--you have got to also understand that you cannot go to Target and buy a pre-packaged final outcome. You're like that farmer guy who got too impatient with his new crops so he went out at night and tugged at the new shoots. You do realize your impatience could seriously screw whatever progress you've made on your project, right? Your mantras for the week: Stuff takes time and I am not the sole survivor on Planet Dumbass. Meditate on this and check in next week.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
Okay. Whatever you're not getting from your friend, your S.O. or your S.O.B., you need to quit bitching about it. Everyone, especially the person not giving, is tired of hearing your rant. What Taurus needs to remember this week is that pushing for what you want will inevitably push others away. Try giving if you want to receive. Try listening if you want to be heard. But wait! Here's the catch. Try this giving and listening thing without expecting something in return. Just because you want something does not mean that others owe it to you. And also, sometimes you may get what you want in a package you did not expect. So you wanted jewelry in order to beautify yourself and your partner gave you power tools? Well, the power tools have the power to beautify your home--and your home is part of you! Just roll with it and maybe you'll get the jewelry next time.
Gemini (May 22-June 21)
You, Bi-Polar Beast, also need to listen to others this week! You've been so caught up in whatever problem is bugging you, chattering the ears off everyone around about it, you haven't noticed that you have like, fifteen wise gurus standing right there with really good advice! Something you might want to try doing: Get the perspective of the person you think is the least likely to know what the hell to do about your problem. Loki, the Norse Messenger God, was a shape-shifting trickster who dressed up in weird forms to remind people that wisdom often comes in unexpected guises. Working on your PhD dissertation? Something in regards to Shakespeare? You're completely stuck? Ask the janitor's opinion. She probably has a nice, big Folio at home and reads it by the fire at night after she empties your garbage can.
Cancer (June 22-July 23)
Oooo......boy. Girl. We've got some work to do this week--my fellow Crabbie Babies. We are not life rafts, kids. We will drown saving the drowning. Sometimes, we just have to walk away from the person train-wrecking their life. They will grow from helping themselves. In a recent meditation, my Goddess told me that the reason She doesn't like angels is that they protect people from lessons they could better learn in a swift fall. We need to back off and let people screw up. This does not make us cold and uncaring! Let's say this together: They Will Survive Without Our Assistance. (Except your plants and pets.) They Will Survive Without Our Assistance. Also, if there is someone taking our assistance, we can't get all arrogant about it. We've never saved or fixed anyone. THEY saved or fixed themselves using us a resource. Hopefully, they didn't use too much of us.....
Leo (July 24-August 23)
Let's talk about what you're actually trying to do this week, m'kay Mr./Miz Leo? Do you really need to possess or achieve what you're trying to possess and/or achieve? Or is it that nasty, nagging ego of yours again? Can you sit for two minutes and think about how many times you got into trouble or fights over a certain person or thing? Did you actually want or need this thing, or did you actually just need to obtain the thing you were fighting for? You needed um....victory? Before you jump into another one of your cart-wheeling crazy moments, try waiting 24 hours before purchasing, arguing, or shoplifting. If you've just broken up with someone, don't get all cranky if they don't come chasing after you. And if they've just broken up with you--try not to take it too personally. Your ego will eat you alive if you let it, Leo. Try drowning it--in a metaphorical sense. Or in an alcoholic sense--whatever works for you. Just don't drive or take the subway alone if you do the latter!!! :)
Virgo (August 24-September 23)
Hi honey! Did you finish over-analyzing what I told you last week? No? Figured. Anyway, what is this I see about you worrying about "failed communication?" Virgo, you are so difficult to read, and you really don't want to hurt any one's feelings. So stop worrying about it and fix it. If you feel you've done or said something that caused a ruffle--take the person aside and explain what you actually meant. You know people have a hard time understanding you--why not help them out a bit? You won't be "making things worse" by bringing up the past. Get some coffee, have a talk. The person(s) will appreciate you for clarifying your actions and motivations behind your words. This is how people build relationships, Lonely Virgo. I know, they didn't include that in the Earth Instruction Manual. Maybe they'll get that into the Post-Apocalyptic New World Edition.....
Libra (September 24-October 23)
Since you are the Partnership sign--let's talk more about your relationships this week. As I'm writing this, I realize all the signs are talking about relationships in some form...but I guess that's life--right? People relating to people? (Libra, I hear you shouting at your computer screen: Talk about meeeeeee, dammit!!!!) Watch how you're dealing with others at the moment. You are likely to piss off more people than usual. Your best friend's S.O. may not need to hear this week that they are a bottom-feeding soul-sucking bastard. I'm sure it's true, but wait until next week when the planets are more favorable for telling people off. Or better yet, encourage said friend to do it themselves! In the meantime, check the scales and I don't mean the dieting kind. Even though your sign is the tool of balance, you know you have a tendency to either give too much or take too much, even though you know that things out of balance make you crazy. Make a few adjustments so that you'll be in a better mood this week. Your friends and family will thank me for telling you so.
Scorpio (October 24-November 27)
Have you finished plotting my death after that last blog? Guess what--your psychic negative wishes had no effect on me!!! Bwah ha ha!!!! I'm still here to annoy the crap out of my favorite sign: The Nutter-Butter Scorpion. I totally lied last week when I said that everyone is talking about you. The truth is, no one is talking or thinking about you. I don't know whose opinion you're obsessing over this week--but I can assure you that they are thinking and talking about themselves--and not you--as you are reading this. You are not foremost in every one's mind. In regards to this week's endeavors: Scorpio, people have a hard time trusting you because your ulterior motives show through your beady little eyes. This is actually a mask on your part. You only look like you have ulterior motives because you're never really sure what your primary motives are! Why don't you sit down and write out a sentence: I am trying to achieve (fill it in.) Repeat fifty times. When your motives are clear, people will trust you and you are more likely to succeed. Just watch your back. Your co-worker is reading over your shoulder at this very moment....
Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)
Whatever happened last week that sent you into such a tizzy, you need to find better ways to express it. Sag, when you try to convince yourself that nothing is bothering you, it comes out in weird ways. You're upset about the plumbing in the kitchen--so you deal with it by breaking dishes in the garage. I guarantee you--this will not solve your problem. Emotions are not strange little aliens that possess you and make your eyes spit salty water. Do not fear them or try to hide from them. Get mad--but get mad at what you're really mad at. Cry--but cry about what actually made you sad. Don't try pinning it on something else because that will only make you more upset and continue to annoy everyone around you. Bowling is a good exercise for an unhappy Sag because they get to throw heavy things and knock things down without actually damaging anything. I strongly suggest that you stay away from archery at this time. It's also okay to talk to others about what's bothering you. They will not eat you. I promise. Your friends will not eat you if admit that you are sad or angry.
Capricorn (December 22-January 20)
Wow. I'm this far into the zodiac and only now am I getting a serious neck cramp. Cappy Cappy Friend! Time to give yourself a break this week! We all admire you for your steadfastness-ness and hard work. But don't forget that what you're trying to be--you probably already are! You spend so much time focusing on what hasn't happened yet that you forget what really awesome things are happening all around you. Relax and enjoy your bath or your good book--and remember that the Excel spreadsheet will still be there to annoy you tomorrow. The guy/girl you've been trying to impress will (maybe) give you another opportunity to do so the next time you're at the bar. Try doing this: If it's not in front of you, don't go looking for it. Don't worry. The thing you're trying to achieve will eventually present itself again. Trust me. I know everything. I feel like you're getting Horrorscope short-changed this week, Capricorn. But I think that's all I have to say to you right now.
Aquarius (January 21-February 19)
I always feel like singing that annoying song from "Hair" when I start writing about you. Happy Birthday Aquarius! Eat lots of cake and drink plenty of whatever you drink. I'm not sure why, but it looks like someone pushed your panic button this week. You're going to want to do your Aquarian thing and run, run, run like the wind blows. Before you do that, think about who else might be involved in your plight and how your disappearing act will affect them. Maybe you need to have a conversation with someone? Maybe you need to explain why you're packing all your belongings and suddenly moving to the opposite coast? Other people may want to know. Also, moving to the opposite coast is a fabulous idea. Lots of adventure, lots of new accents, maybe some new lovers. However, that problem you're running from is bound to meet up with you when you pull off the freeway--smiling and waving next to the homeless guy with the "I Need Money For Beer" sign. Keep it in mind, Water-Carrier!!!
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
You got off easy last week, Fishy Friend. This week, you really need to quit moping and makes some positive changes. Whatever fell apart for you, you probably had little to do with its demise. Quit blaming yourself. Sometimes, shit just happens. The Universal Law of Crap Falling Apart reads: Crap Will Fall Apart Without Your Help. But, the same law also reads: Crap Will Not Come Back Together Without Your Help. You're going to have to accept that. Send out a new resume, put a profile on Match.com, take a walk, take a bath, take up croquet. Do SOMETHING for God's sake. You're even getting on your cat's nerves. Remember all the times in the past when things fell apart, and as a result, good things grew in its place. But seriously. Turn off this computer and go do something else. Even I can tell you've been on the internet for like, six hours by now.
Thanks, kids!!! Tune in next week to learn all about the Rising Sign!!!
xoxo
C
Good God! Isn't one enough????
When I start going off into one of my astrology rants, a lot of people look at me bewildered and say, "What's a moon sign? What's mine?"
"Don't worry," I say. "Your moon sign is a very special part of you and whatever one you have is beautiful and radiant and all your own."
Your moon sign is whatever was rising on the horizon behind the moon on the day you were born. While your Sun sign (the thing you look up in your weekly horrorscope) covers the month in which you were born, your moon sign will be specific to your day.
What the hell does THAT mean, Weber?
A lot, actually. Your sun sign--in my case, Cancer--is what you present to the outside world every day. Your "Outer-Ego," blah diddy blah. Your moon sign is that part of you that doesn't get to see the (bad pun coming) light of day often--the side of you reserve for family, close friends, and people you really hate. My moon sign is Scorpio. This makes every one's eyes widen and say, "Ohhhhh........." Basically, it means that I'm pretty friendly and chipper and will make you quite at home upfront. However, I have this big ol' Scorpio stinger just waiting to get out on it's own time.
(Part of my astro profile says I have "a way of saying things which makes me appear skeptical and cynical." Huh. Is that true, y'all????)
You can find your Moon Sign here: http://www.astro.com/horoscopes/ahor.asp . Click on Personal Profile. It's free, but you have to give them a little personal information--such as your name, birthdate and birthplace. This does mean that a group of evil nerds will have more access to you and your internet use to sell to consumer data groups but, hey! It's free! (And they are already watching you, anyway. They know you read me. Just so you know.)
Once you determine your Moon Sign, you can read more about it and it will help explain why you're such a crazy bitch or bastard!
Welcome to the week of January 22-28, boys and girls!!!
(By the way, these are all Sun Sign Horrorscopes. Don't want nun of y'all to get all confus-ed.)
Aries (March 21-April 20)
You really need to chill this week, my friend. Yes, your co-workers are morons. Yes, your friends and family are hopeless and incompetent. But what you need to understand is that EVERYONE sometimes feels this way about the people in their lives. You, Aries, tend to think that you are the only one surrounded by idiots. You are soooo not alone in your martyrdom! In regards to whatever project you have going on--you have got to also understand that you cannot go to Target and buy a pre-packaged final outcome. You're like that farmer guy who got too impatient with his new crops so he went out at night and tugged at the new shoots. You do realize your impatience could seriously screw whatever progress you've made on your project, right? Your mantras for the week: Stuff takes time and I am not the sole survivor on Planet Dumbass. Meditate on this and check in next week.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
Okay. Whatever you're not getting from your friend, your S.O. or your S.O.B., you need to quit bitching about it. Everyone, especially the person not giving, is tired of hearing your rant. What Taurus needs to remember this week is that pushing for what you want will inevitably push others away. Try giving if you want to receive. Try listening if you want to be heard. But wait! Here's the catch. Try this giving and listening thing without expecting something in return. Just because you want something does not mean that others owe it to you. And also, sometimes you may get what you want in a package you did not expect. So you wanted jewelry in order to beautify yourself and your partner gave you power tools? Well, the power tools have the power to beautify your home--and your home is part of you! Just roll with it and maybe you'll get the jewelry next time.
Gemini (May 22-June 21)
You, Bi-Polar Beast, also need to listen to others this week! You've been so caught up in whatever problem is bugging you, chattering the ears off everyone around about it, you haven't noticed that you have like, fifteen wise gurus standing right there with really good advice! Something you might want to try doing: Get the perspective of the person you think is the least likely to know what the hell to do about your problem. Loki, the Norse Messenger God, was a shape-shifting trickster who dressed up in weird forms to remind people that wisdom often comes in unexpected guises. Working on your PhD dissertation? Something in regards to Shakespeare? You're completely stuck? Ask the janitor's opinion. She probably has a nice, big Folio at home and reads it by the fire at night after she empties your garbage can.
Cancer (June 22-July 23)
Oooo......boy. Girl. We've got some work to do this week--my fellow Crabbie Babies. We are not life rafts, kids. We will drown saving the drowning. Sometimes, we just have to walk away from the person train-wrecking their life. They will grow from helping themselves. In a recent meditation, my Goddess told me that the reason She doesn't like angels is that they protect people from lessons they could better learn in a swift fall. We need to back off and let people screw up. This does not make us cold and uncaring! Let's say this together: They Will Survive Without Our Assistance. (Except your plants and pets.) They Will Survive Without Our Assistance. Also, if there is someone taking our assistance, we can't get all arrogant about it. We've never saved or fixed anyone. THEY saved or fixed themselves using us a resource. Hopefully, they didn't use too much of us.....
Leo (July 24-August 23)
Let's talk about what you're actually trying to do this week, m'kay Mr./Miz Leo? Do you really need to possess or achieve what you're trying to possess and/or achieve? Or is it that nasty, nagging ego of yours again? Can you sit for two minutes and think about how many times you got into trouble or fights over a certain person or thing? Did you actually want or need this thing, or did you actually just need to obtain the thing you were fighting for? You needed um....victory? Before you jump into another one of your cart-wheeling crazy moments, try waiting 24 hours before purchasing, arguing, or shoplifting. If you've just broken up with someone, don't get all cranky if they don't come chasing after you. And if they've just broken up with you--try not to take it too personally. Your ego will eat you alive if you let it, Leo. Try drowning it--in a metaphorical sense. Or in an alcoholic sense--whatever works for you. Just don't drive or take the subway alone if you do the latter!!! :)
Virgo (August 24-September 23)
Hi honey! Did you finish over-analyzing what I told you last week? No? Figured. Anyway, what is this I see about you worrying about "failed communication?" Virgo, you are so difficult to read, and you really don't want to hurt any one's feelings. So stop worrying about it and fix it. If you feel you've done or said something that caused a ruffle--take the person aside and explain what you actually meant. You know people have a hard time understanding you--why not help them out a bit? You won't be "making things worse" by bringing up the past. Get some coffee, have a talk. The person(s) will appreciate you for clarifying your actions and motivations behind your words. This is how people build relationships, Lonely Virgo. I know, they didn't include that in the Earth Instruction Manual. Maybe they'll get that into the Post-Apocalyptic New World Edition.....
Libra (September 24-October 23)
Since you are the Partnership sign--let's talk more about your relationships this week. As I'm writing this, I realize all the signs are talking about relationships in some form...but I guess that's life--right? People relating to people? (Libra, I hear you shouting at your computer screen: Talk about meeeeeee, dammit!!!!) Watch how you're dealing with others at the moment. You are likely to piss off more people than usual. Your best friend's S.O. may not need to hear this week that they are a bottom-feeding soul-sucking bastard. I'm sure it's true, but wait until next week when the planets are more favorable for telling people off. Or better yet, encourage said friend to do it themselves! In the meantime, check the scales and I don't mean the dieting kind. Even though your sign is the tool of balance, you know you have a tendency to either give too much or take too much, even though you know that things out of balance make you crazy. Make a few adjustments so that you'll be in a better mood this week. Your friends and family will thank me for telling you so.
Scorpio (October 24-November 27)
Have you finished plotting my death after that last blog? Guess what--your psychic negative wishes had no effect on me!!! Bwah ha ha!!!! I'm still here to annoy the crap out of my favorite sign: The Nutter-Butter Scorpion. I totally lied last week when I said that everyone is talking about you. The truth is, no one is talking or thinking about you. I don't know whose opinion you're obsessing over this week--but I can assure you that they are thinking and talking about themselves--and not you--as you are reading this. You are not foremost in every one's mind. In regards to this week's endeavors: Scorpio, people have a hard time trusting you because your ulterior motives show through your beady little eyes. This is actually a mask on your part. You only look like you have ulterior motives because you're never really sure what your primary motives are! Why don't you sit down and write out a sentence: I am trying to achieve (fill it in.) Repeat fifty times. When your motives are clear, people will trust you and you are more likely to succeed. Just watch your back. Your co-worker is reading over your shoulder at this very moment....
Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)
Whatever happened last week that sent you into such a tizzy, you need to find better ways to express it. Sag, when you try to convince yourself that nothing is bothering you, it comes out in weird ways. You're upset about the plumbing in the kitchen--so you deal with it by breaking dishes in the garage. I guarantee you--this will not solve your problem. Emotions are not strange little aliens that possess you and make your eyes spit salty water. Do not fear them or try to hide from them. Get mad--but get mad at what you're really mad at. Cry--but cry about what actually made you sad. Don't try pinning it on something else because that will only make you more upset and continue to annoy everyone around you. Bowling is a good exercise for an unhappy Sag because they get to throw heavy things and knock things down without actually damaging anything. I strongly suggest that you stay away from archery at this time. It's also okay to talk to others about what's bothering you. They will not eat you. I promise. Your friends will not eat you if admit that you are sad or angry.
Capricorn (December 22-January 20)
Wow. I'm this far into the zodiac and only now am I getting a serious neck cramp. Cappy Cappy Friend! Time to give yourself a break this week! We all admire you for your steadfastness-ness and hard work. But don't forget that what you're trying to be--you probably already are! You spend so much time focusing on what hasn't happened yet that you forget what really awesome things are happening all around you. Relax and enjoy your bath or your good book--and remember that the Excel spreadsheet will still be there to annoy you tomorrow. The guy/girl you've been trying to impress will (maybe) give you another opportunity to do so the next time you're at the bar. Try doing this: If it's not in front of you, don't go looking for it. Don't worry. The thing you're trying to achieve will eventually present itself again. Trust me. I know everything. I feel like you're getting Horrorscope short-changed this week, Capricorn. But I think that's all I have to say to you right now.
Aquarius (January 21-February 19)
I always feel like singing that annoying song from "Hair" when I start writing about you. Happy Birthday Aquarius! Eat lots of cake and drink plenty of whatever you drink. I'm not sure why, but it looks like someone pushed your panic button this week. You're going to want to do your Aquarian thing and run, run, run like the wind blows. Before you do that, think about who else might be involved in your plight and how your disappearing act will affect them. Maybe you need to have a conversation with someone? Maybe you need to explain why you're packing all your belongings and suddenly moving to the opposite coast? Other people may want to know. Also, moving to the opposite coast is a fabulous idea. Lots of adventure, lots of new accents, maybe some new lovers. However, that problem you're running from is bound to meet up with you when you pull off the freeway--smiling and waving next to the homeless guy with the "I Need Money For Beer" sign. Keep it in mind, Water-Carrier!!!
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
You got off easy last week, Fishy Friend. This week, you really need to quit moping and makes some positive changes. Whatever fell apart for you, you probably had little to do with its demise. Quit blaming yourself. Sometimes, shit just happens. The Universal Law of Crap Falling Apart reads: Crap Will Fall Apart Without Your Help. But, the same law also reads: Crap Will Not Come Back Together Without Your Help. You're going to have to accept that. Send out a new resume, put a profile on Match.com, take a walk, take a bath, take up croquet. Do SOMETHING for God's sake. You're even getting on your cat's nerves. Remember all the times in the past when things fell apart, and as a result, good things grew in its place. But seriously. Turn off this computer and go do something else. Even I can tell you've been on the internet for like, six hours by now.
Thanks, kids!!! Tune in next week to learn all about the Rising Sign!!!
xoxo
C
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Meme Horoscope
Well, I guess that stupid Meme will finally get me to start this blog thing....
The task is to take the nearest book, open to page 123, and write down lines 6-8. The book nearest to me at the moment is, of course, "The Tarot Handbook" by Angeles Arrien. Page 123 is the Princess of Cups (known as the Page of Cups to most tarot-buffs) and the lines are this:
"The Princess of Cups has the capacity to offer emotional longevity and loyalty to others in objective and non-possesive ways."
Bullshit.
The Princess of Cups is the crazy bitch who tells you to go on, go away, go find yourself--and then obsessively checks your MySpace page eighty times a day to see if you're seeing someone else or if any of your friends posted anything shitty about her. She's the one who says she's not mad when in actuality, she's very, very mad indeed. The one who expects you just to know that her feelings are bent out of shape over something--even though she pretends like nothing's wrong.
That's the truth. Watch out for that Girl, peoples.
This blog is hereby dedicated to explaining those convoluted, esoteric horoscopes you may or may not ignore in the daily paper. I believe in astrology and whether or not you admit it--you kinda do too. And there's nothing wrong with that! Everyone wants to know future. I'm not going to tell you your future today. I'm going to explain the signs.
Aries: (March 21-April 20)
Crazy ass fire sign--most of my best friends and wildest ex-boyfriends have been Ariens. Ambitious and courageous--if I ever got off my lazy ass and joined some kind of team sport, I would want at least four Aries on it at all times. They are competitive and domineering, which makes them wild clubbing buddies. Just be sure to distract them with a bar fight when you want to make out with their date. They will kick your ass if they notice. Ariens tend to fall in love at first sight and stay in love for a long time. My first ex-boyfriend was an Aries and liked to show it through: "I FUCKING LOVE YOU GODDAMNIT! SO WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU????" It didn't last long. Arien relationships are full of fury and fire and burn up very, very quickly. As friends, Ariens are fucking LOYAL, guys. Most of you have met my Arien best friend. If you've pissed me off, I guarantee that she is way, way WAY more pissed at you than I will ever be. In fact, she's still mad at you for shit that I've forgotten about.
Keep your Arien friends close, and your Arien enemies as far away as you can. A separate continent is a good place to start.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
I grew up with a Taurus. That was fun. Since I was born "differently abled" in the fashion sense, having a Taurus sister saved my ass. One must always keep one Taurus in their court to make sure they can properly dress themselves and do something about decorating their apartment. Taureans have got aesthetics down like no one else. Just don't try to be prettier than them. First of all, you won't win. Second of all, if you ever beat a Taurus at anything--they will be unhappy. Unlike Aries, they won't take you outside and beat you bloody--but they will throw a verbal fit and you will never hear the end of it. Just let them win everything, guys. Every debate, fashion show and Monopoly game. If you date a Taurus, anticipate that they are going to be fierce and love you with the force of the bull. But they can be on the jealous side and get kind of insecure, so don't think that flirting with their friends is going to "keep them on their guard". They'll kill you. They will provide for you, though--they like a steady, comfortable life. While they're ambitious, they don't like taking a whole bunch of cash risks. So, also anticipate them working a good solid 60 hour work week, but don't expect that they're going to be all excited about hitting the slot machines on your trip to Vegas. They will be more inclined to attend a burlesque show on the Strip, so they can flaunt their new rhinestone-studded false eyelashes.
Gemini (May 22-June 21)
I can't figure these people out. First of all, they don't shut up. Second of all, they're always flipping on you. However, if you want to have a party, make sure you invite at least six Geminis. That way, the conversation will never get dull. They are also more likely to take their clothing off and dance around your living room in all their wacky glory. My Sister-Priestess is a Gemini and getting to see her on the all too rare occasions will never provide for a dull moment. A Gemini is the one who will join the anti-circus and ride a bus through California only to desert the side show in Oakland because Gemini has suddenly changed their mind about living with a bunch of hippies and decided they would rather live in a tree. They are as comfortable at Burning Man as they are in Times Square, so you can bet that if you need someone to just come along and not ask questions and still have fun, call up your Gemini friend. Just be sure to give yourself at least a good hour for that phone call.
Cancer (June 22-July 23)
I'm a Cancer, so I'm definitely going for the throat on this one. We are the biggest pains in the asses on the whole chart. I guarantee that we're brooding about something, somewhere and if we tell you we're not upset about whatever you've done to upset us--we're upset. Don't believe us when we say we're not. Buy us flowers and tell us we're beautiful and special so we can cry and get it out of our systems. You probably wish we would just disappear from the entire zodiac, but guess what? We can't and you really don't want us to. We're the best cooks in the zodiac, and we're the ones who are going to pamper you when the rest of the signs treat you like shit. We're the best lovers because we're fucking psychic as all hell and pay attention to the things you like. We're more about pleasing you than ourselves (something we really need to work on). Be romantic, goddamnit. And be old-fashioned about it. Yes, roses and getting down on your knees is a good way to begin. (Unless the particular Cancer is me. Just bring me beer and stop with the poetry.) We're whiney and elusive, but sweet as we can be and the truth is that we have a lovely aura of mystery that keeps us really damn interesting. This is why you are still reading my blog after all this time.
Leo (July 24-August 23)
Oh, Leo. It's hard to be you. You've got all kinds of wacky ideas and passions and can't ever fully express them without setting something on fire. You're way too damn insecure. We can all see through your ego-wall. Why are you so worried about what we think? Nearly everyone loves a Leo (except Scorpio--but who cares?). Don't take everything so personally. Leos are fab-u-lous in the sack and if you haven't tried a Leo yet, get your ass on MySpace or Match or whatever and just look for Leos. No other qualifications need apply. If you have a Leo friend or lover and they give you a present, fawn the fuck all over it and fawn the fuck all over them. Even if it's not true. Let them think it is. If you hurt a Leo's feelings, it's kind of like when you yell at your cat. They will hide under the couch for three days, pulling the most spectacular guilt trip. Be very gentle with them. As much as they like to pretend to be the biggest, baddest asses around, they deep down inside want you to approve of everything they do. Just go with me on this one, guys. Don't try to give them a good character shaping. Wait until their next lifetime when they come back as a Capricorn.
Virgo (August 24-September 23)
I don't know why I'm bothering writing anything for Virgo. None of them believe in Astrology anyway. If there is a Virgo reading this blog, it's only because they know me and are nice enough people to indulge in the strange things their friend is into. Virgos like having strange people around them, although most Virgos come off as being quite normal. But in actuality, most Virgos are cracked just below the surface. And as they are reading this, they are intricately analyzing themselves and probably asking their office mate if this is true. And then, they're going to Wikipedia-it. (You know you're going to......) If you need a logical solution to anything, ask a Virgo. Because if they don't know the answer, they are probably going to research it for you. It's really fun to get a Virgo drunk, because even the straightest and narrowest Virgo General Manager will start shaking it to Brittany Spear's "Toxic" and outdancing even the hottest Leos in the room. Be sure to take pictures and post them the next day on the Virgo's MySpace page. They will at first be horrified, but they actually love the attention.
Libra (Sept 24-Oct 23)
My Libra best friend has been my Libra best friend for almost fifteen years. They stick around and they don't like to let you go, even after they divorce you--they will still keep tabs on you. THEY LOVE ROMANCE. Let me repeat. THEY LOVE ROMANCE. Your Cancer partner will let you get away with bringing them carnations when they wanted roses, but your Libra partner will throw the carnations at you and whatever else you tried to buy them, too. Poems, guys (and girls). Libras need the cut and dry "I love you" and overly expressive ways to show it. They are good to have around because they will not put up with your bullshit and will tell you when you are seriously fucking up. But they tend to put things off as long as possible, so don't ever let them do your taxes. But they will make you a fabulous scrap-book because they are some sentimental mother-fuckers. They like getting their way and if they don't get their way, it's more than being angry about it, they just can't comprehend how something could NOT go their way. So, you end up with an angry and confused Libra. However, they are gracious enough to reflect on the situation and will thank you for helping them see the bigger picture. Then, you need to go buy them flowers. Let me repeat. BUY YOUR LIBRA GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND DON'T BE CHEAP ABOUT IT. THEY WILL NOTICE. Love your Libra friends and lovers because they will take good care of you. Just make sure to buy them presents.
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 27th)
Scorpio. Oh, Scorpio. There is no sign more fun to screw with than a Scorpio. Scorpios think that the world is conspiring against them and that everyone is talking shit about them behind their backs. Guess what, Scorpio? It's true! Everyone IS out to get you and we're ALL talking shit about you behind your back. That's why your planet was taken away--they did it to piss you off. You know how most astrology guides say you're the best in bed? They lied. There are lots of other astrology books out there entitled "Don't tell Scorpio" and they all agree that we've been saying that to inflate your ego so we can laugh about it when you leave the room. Yes, you're intuitive and magnetic. We enjoy your obsessive qualities. They're funny. You are also the ones most likely to have spontaneous sex in a place like a public bathroom. You guys are great partners in many respects because you are very protective--bordering on possessive. Your only problem is that you can't keep your dick or choochie in your pants. If you'd ever learn to do this, you wouldn't have to deal with your former lovers (usually Cancers....) lighting your shit on fire in your front lawn. Best way to screw with a Scorpio: "Someone was talking about you the other day, but I forget who it was and what they said."
Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)
If your kid ends up Sagittarius, give them up for adoption. Unless you like the A.D.D. thing. If you find yourself dating a Sagittarius, save yourself some time and start pulling handfuls of hair out of your head now. If you find yourself falling in love with a Sagittarius, the only proper solution is to throw yourself infront of that upcoming A train, or at least go ahead and enroll yourself in therapy because they're bound to send you there anyway. They are spastic. They are uncontrolled. They are delightful little creatures that are just asking to be smothered in their sleep with their goose down pillows! They probably won't read this--but they will call me later and say, "I forgot to read your new blog. Sorry. But what did you say about Sag?" And they'll change the subject before I can finish telling them, because there will be some shiny object somewhere much more interesting. I love Sag. They don't give a shit about little shit. They are the best partying people. They are the first ones to tell you to get over it. But you can't get them to stand still long enough to love them the way you want to. Fucking Sag.
Capricorn (December 22nd-January 20th)
I was raised by a Capricorn woman and therefore imbued with a sense of honor, good manners, good money practices, and a deep need for perfection. But Capricorns pull it off. Cancers, not so much. As a Cancer, my emotional outbursts would confuse my poor mother--because Capricorns don't really do that. It's not logical in their minds--although perfectly logical to a Cancer! My Capricorn friends keep themselves in pretty damn good shape and are pretty damn good at finding crazy ways to make money. Such as subletting their living room to German tourists or selling their dirty underwear on Ebay. And they don't see anything strange about it. Money is money, right? I like to keep Capricorns handing in order to have potential wacky business partners there. They are incredibly resourceful--whether it's having a perfect recipe for a perfect Gorgonzola cheesecake--or just happening to have fake silicone bra cups to go under my new club shirt.
Aquarius (January 21-February 19)
Your aquarian friends are the most likely to show up at the middle of the night and want to take a drive with you five hours north to Issaqua Washington to pick up a fresh box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts as they roll off the conveyor belt. (This was back in the day before Krispy Kreme had officially opened everywhere in Oregon and the only place we could go was Issaqua.) Of course, your Aquarian friend will have Trucker Meds ready in their Altoids box so you don't pass out. They don't them, Aquarians never sleep. And, once you reach your destination, they will decide it's a good idea to first break into an empty house in a new housing development just to look around. If you're a Cancer, you're probably going to freak out about this, but you go along to protect your Aquarian friend from themselves. Don't ever worry about your Aquarian friend or partner. As much trouble as they cause, they tend to have incredible luck and while most of us would end up dead or arrested, they are still up in time for brunch. That's because they never went to bed. Avoid telling Aquarians deep secrets--as they are likely to forget the part about not telling anyone. They can't help that.
Pisces (February 20th-March 20th)
Keep your Pisces friends and lovers close, close, close. They are the secret gems of the Zodiac. Most of them don't call alot of attention to themselves, and therefore when you find yourself in bed with a Pisces, you're more than pleasantly suprised to find a Fertility God/dess who will keep your neighbors awake and cause you to forget your name. But they don't brag about this (Leo. Scorpio.), so it's a refreshing thing to find. Just don't try to pin them in, tell them what to do, or be shitty to them. They will quietly leave your life and not tell you. And you will miss them. Greatly. They can be pretty fucking unforgiving, but they come off as "Everything is fine." So, if you've done something horribly shitty to a Pisces lately, pray pray pray that he or she is not a witch. Or that he or she does not have witch friends. Especially Cancer witch friends. Those pissy, protective friends are sticking pins in your effigy as we speak. We love our Pisces friends and lovers and everyone should. Like when you release a fish in the water (Wow. Weber's getting poetic), they ain't comin' back once you've let them go.
The task is to take the nearest book, open to page 123, and write down lines 6-8. The book nearest to me at the moment is, of course, "The Tarot Handbook" by Angeles Arrien. Page 123 is the Princess of Cups (known as the Page of Cups to most tarot-buffs) and the lines are this:
"The Princess of Cups has the capacity to offer emotional longevity and loyalty to others in objective and non-possesive ways."
Bullshit.
The Princess of Cups is the crazy bitch who tells you to go on, go away, go find yourself--and then obsessively checks your MySpace page eighty times a day to see if you're seeing someone else or if any of your friends posted anything shitty about her. She's the one who says she's not mad when in actuality, she's very, very mad indeed. The one who expects you just to know that her feelings are bent out of shape over something--even though she pretends like nothing's wrong.
That's the truth. Watch out for that Girl, peoples.
This blog is hereby dedicated to explaining those convoluted, esoteric horoscopes you may or may not ignore in the daily paper. I believe in astrology and whether or not you admit it--you kinda do too. And there's nothing wrong with that! Everyone wants to know future. I'm not going to tell you your future today. I'm going to explain the signs.
Aries: (March 21-April 20)
Crazy ass fire sign--most of my best friends and wildest ex-boyfriends have been Ariens. Ambitious and courageous--if I ever got off my lazy ass and joined some kind of team sport, I would want at least four Aries on it at all times. They are competitive and domineering, which makes them wild clubbing buddies. Just be sure to distract them with a bar fight when you want to make out with their date. They will kick your ass if they notice. Ariens tend to fall in love at first sight and stay in love for a long time. My first ex-boyfriend was an Aries and liked to show it through: "I FUCKING LOVE YOU GODDAMNIT! SO WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU????" It didn't last long. Arien relationships are full of fury and fire and burn up very, very quickly. As friends, Ariens are fucking LOYAL, guys. Most of you have met my Arien best friend. If you've pissed me off, I guarantee that she is way, way WAY more pissed at you than I will ever be. In fact, she's still mad at you for shit that I've forgotten about.
Keep your Arien friends close, and your Arien enemies as far away as you can. A separate continent is a good place to start.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
I grew up with a Taurus. That was fun. Since I was born "differently abled" in the fashion sense, having a Taurus sister saved my ass. One must always keep one Taurus in their court to make sure they can properly dress themselves and do something about decorating their apartment. Taureans have got aesthetics down like no one else. Just don't try to be prettier than them. First of all, you won't win. Second of all, if you ever beat a Taurus at anything--they will be unhappy. Unlike Aries, they won't take you outside and beat you bloody--but they will throw a verbal fit and you will never hear the end of it. Just let them win everything, guys. Every debate, fashion show and Monopoly game. If you date a Taurus, anticipate that they are going to be fierce and love you with the force of the bull. But they can be on the jealous side and get kind of insecure, so don't think that flirting with their friends is going to "keep them on their guard". They'll kill you. They will provide for you, though--they like a steady, comfortable life. While they're ambitious, they don't like taking a whole bunch of cash risks. So, also anticipate them working a good solid 60 hour work week, but don't expect that they're going to be all excited about hitting the slot machines on your trip to Vegas. They will be more inclined to attend a burlesque show on the Strip, so they can flaunt their new rhinestone-studded false eyelashes.
Gemini (May 22-June 21)
I can't figure these people out. First of all, they don't shut up. Second of all, they're always flipping on you. However, if you want to have a party, make sure you invite at least six Geminis. That way, the conversation will never get dull. They are also more likely to take their clothing off and dance around your living room in all their wacky glory. My Sister-Priestess is a Gemini and getting to see her on the all too rare occasions will never provide for a dull moment. A Gemini is the one who will join the anti-circus and ride a bus through California only to desert the side show in Oakland because Gemini has suddenly changed their mind about living with a bunch of hippies and decided they would rather live in a tree. They are as comfortable at Burning Man as they are in Times Square, so you can bet that if you need someone to just come along and not ask questions and still have fun, call up your Gemini friend. Just be sure to give yourself at least a good hour for that phone call.
Cancer (June 22-July 23)
I'm a Cancer, so I'm definitely going for the throat on this one. We are the biggest pains in the asses on the whole chart. I guarantee that we're brooding about something, somewhere and if we tell you we're not upset about whatever you've done to upset us--we're upset. Don't believe us when we say we're not. Buy us flowers and tell us we're beautiful and special so we can cry and get it out of our systems. You probably wish we would just disappear from the entire zodiac, but guess what? We can't and you really don't want us to. We're the best cooks in the zodiac, and we're the ones who are going to pamper you when the rest of the signs treat you like shit. We're the best lovers because we're fucking psychic as all hell and pay attention to the things you like. We're more about pleasing you than ourselves (something we really need to work on). Be romantic, goddamnit. And be old-fashioned about it. Yes, roses and getting down on your knees is a good way to begin. (Unless the particular Cancer is me. Just bring me beer and stop with the poetry.) We're whiney and elusive, but sweet as we can be and the truth is that we have a lovely aura of mystery that keeps us really damn interesting. This is why you are still reading my blog after all this time.
Leo (July 24-August 23)
Oh, Leo. It's hard to be you. You've got all kinds of wacky ideas and passions and can't ever fully express them without setting something on fire. You're way too damn insecure. We can all see through your ego-wall. Why are you so worried about what we think? Nearly everyone loves a Leo (except Scorpio--but who cares?). Don't take everything so personally. Leos are fab-u-lous in the sack and if you haven't tried a Leo yet, get your ass on MySpace or Match or whatever and just look for Leos. No other qualifications need apply. If you have a Leo friend or lover and they give you a present, fawn the fuck all over it and fawn the fuck all over them. Even if it's not true. Let them think it is. If you hurt a Leo's feelings, it's kind of like when you yell at your cat. They will hide under the couch for three days, pulling the most spectacular guilt trip. Be very gentle with them. As much as they like to pretend to be the biggest, baddest asses around, they deep down inside want you to approve of everything they do. Just go with me on this one, guys. Don't try to give them a good character shaping. Wait until their next lifetime when they come back as a Capricorn.
Virgo (August 24-September 23)
I don't know why I'm bothering writing anything for Virgo. None of them believe in Astrology anyway. If there is a Virgo reading this blog, it's only because they know me and are nice enough people to indulge in the strange things their friend is into. Virgos like having strange people around them, although most Virgos come off as being quite normal. But in actuality, most Virgos are cracked just below the surface. And as they are reading this, they are intricately analyzing themselves and probably asking their office mate if this is true. And then, they're going to Wikipedia-it. (You know you're going to......) If you need a logical solution to anything, ask a Virgo. Because if they don't know the answer, they are probably going to research it for you. It's really fun to get a Virgo drunk, because even the straightest and narrowest Virgo General Manager will start shaking it to Brittany Spear's "Toxic" and outdancing even the hottest Leos in the room. Be sure to take pictures and post them the next day on the Virgo's MySpace page. They will at first be horrified, but they actually love the attention.
Libra (Sept 24-Oct 23)
My Libra best friend has been my Libra best friend for almost fifteen years. They stick around and they don't like to let you go, even after they divorce you--they will still keep tabs on you. THEY LOVE ROMANCE. Let me repeat. THEY LOVE ROMANCE. Your Cancer partner will let you get away with bringing them carnations when they wanted roses, but your Libra partner will throw the carnations at you and whatever else you tried to buy them, too. Poems, guys (and girls). Libras need the cut and dry "I love you" and overly expressive ways to show it. They are good to have around because they will not put up with your bullshit and will tell you when you are seriously fucking up. But they tend to put things off as long as possible, so don't ever let them do your taxes. But they will make you a fabulous scrap-book because they are some sentimental mother-fuckers. They like getting their way and if they don't get their way, it's more than being angry about it, they just can't comprehend how something could NOT go their way. So, you end up with an angry and confused Libra. However, they are gracious enough to reflect on the situation and will thank you for helping them see the bigger picture. Then, you need to go buy them flowers. Let me repeat. BUY YOUR LIBRA GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND DON'T BE CHEAP ABOUT IT. THEY WILL NOTICE. Love your Libra friends and lovers because they will take good care of you. Just make sure to buy them presents.
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 27th)
Scorpio. Oh, Scorpio. There is no sign more fun to screw with than a Scorpio. Scorpios think that the world is conspiring against them and that everyone is talking shit about them behind their backs. Guess what, Scorpio? It's true! Everyone IS out to get you and we're ALL talking shit about you behind your back. That's why your planet was taken away--they did it to piss you off. You know how most astrology guides say you're the best in bed? They lied. There are lots of other astrology books out there entitled "Don't tell Scorpio" and they all agree that we've been saying that to inflate your ego so we can laugh about it when you leave the room. Yes, you're intuitive and magnetic. We enjoy your obsessive qualities. They're funny. You are also the ones most likely to have spontaneous sex in a place like a public bathroom. You guys are great partners in many respects because you are very protective--bordering on possessive. Your only problem is that you can't keep your dick or choochie in your pants. If you'd ever learn to do this, you wouldn't have to deal with your former lovers (usually Cancers....) lighting your shit on fire in your front lawn. Best way to screw with a Scorpio: "Someone was talking about you the other day, but I forget who it was and what they said."
Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)
If your kid ends up Sagittarius, give them up for adoption. Unless you like the A.D.D. thing. If you find yourself dating a Sagittarius, save yourself some time and start pulling handfuls of hair out of your head now. If you find yourself falling in love with a Sagittarius, the only proper solution is to throw yourself infront of that upcoming A train, or at least go ahead and enroll yourself in therapy because they're bound to send you there anyway. They are spastic. They are uncontrolled. They are delightful little creatures that are just asking to be smothered in their sleep with their goose down pillows! They probably won't read this--but they will call me later and say, "I forgot to read your new blog. Sorry. But what did you say about Sag?" And they'll change the subject before I can finish telling them, because there will be some shiny object somewhere much more interesting. I love Sag. They don't give a shit about little shit. They are the best partying people. They are the first ones to tell you to get over it. But you can't get them to stand still long enough to love them the way you want to. Fucking Sag.
Capricorn (December 22nd-January 20th)
I was raised by a Capricorn woman and therefore imbued with a sense of honor, good manners, good money practices, and a deep need for perfection. But Capricorns pull it off. Cancers, not so much. As a Cancer, my emotional outbursts would confuse my poor mother--because Capricorns don't really do that. It's not logical in their minds--although perfectly logical to a Cancer! My Capricorn friends keep themselves in pretty damn good shape and are pretty damn good at finding crazy ways to make money. Such as subletting their living room to German tourists or selling their dirty underwear on Ebay. And they don't see anything strange about it. Money is money, right? I like to keep Capricorns handing in order to have potential wacky business partners there. They are incredibly resourceful--whether it's having a perfect recipe for a perfect Gorgonzola cheesecake--or just happening to have fake silicone bra cups to go under my new club shirt.
Aquarius (January 21-February 19)
Your aquarian friends are the most likely to show up at the middle of the night and want to take a drive with you five hours north to Issaqua Washington to pick up a fresh box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts as they roll off the conveyor belt. (This was back in the day before Krispy Kreme had officially opened everywhere in Oregon and the only place we could go was Issaqua.) Of course, your Aquarian friend will have Trucker Meds ready in their Altoids box so you don't pass out. They don't them, Aquarians never sleep. And, once you reach your destination, they will decide it's a good idea to first break into an empty house in a new housing development just to look around. If you're a Cancer, you're probably going to freak out about this, but you go along to protect your Aquarian friend from themselves. Don't ever worry about your Aquarian friend or partner. As much trouble as they cause, they tend to have incredible luck and while most of us would end up dead or arrested, they are still up in time for brunch. That's because they never went to bed. Avoid telling Aquarians deep secrets--as they are likely to forget the part about not telling anyone. They can't help that.
Pisces (February 20th-March 20th)
Keep your Pisces friends and lovers close, close, close. They are the secret gems of the Zodiac. Most of them don't call alot of attention to themselves, and therefore when you find yourself in bed with a Pisces, you're more than pleasantly suprised to find a Fertility God/dess who will keep your neighbors awake and cause you to forget your name. But they don't brag about this (Leo. Scorpio.), so it's a refreshing thing to find. Just don't try to pin them in, tell them what to do, or be shitty to them. They will quietly leave your life and not tell you. And you will miss them. Greatly. They can be pretty fucking unforgiving, but they come off as "Everything is fine." So, if you've done something horribly shitty to a Pisces lately, pray pray pray that he or she is not a witch. Or that he or she does not have witch friends. Especially Cancer witch friends. Those pissy, protective friends are sticking pins in your effigy as we speak. We love our Pisces friends and lovers and everyone should. Like when you release a fish in the water (Wow. Weber's getting poetic), they ain't comin' back once you've let them go.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
