Sister Mary needs a break and is soaking in a mitzvah of nog at the moment.
Please forgive her lazy indiscretions brought on by holiday celebrations and really good, old movies on the rec room t.v.
Next week....the return of the Horrorscopes with a peek at 2008!
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Talk about your Favorite Sag!!!
My blessed sinners…you only have one week left before the culmination of this year’s consumerist extravaganza arrives at a dramatic end! If you missed Sister Mary’s warehouse (poor wretch…), have no fear! Based on the treasures and travesties of 2007, SMM has created a shopping list for you and all of your favorite fiends!!!
But first…let’s Talk about your favorite Sag…
Message to SMM: are you going to do a thing about the sags or what? i've only been waiting a freaking yr!
Sagittarius is not a naturally patient creature.
If your kid ends up Sagittarius, give them up for adoption. Unless you like the A.D.D. thing.
If you find yourself dating a Sagittarius, save some time and begin pulling handfuls of hair out of your head now.
If you find yourself falling in love with a Sagittarius, the only proper solution is to throw yourself infront of that upcoming A train—or at least go ahead and enroll yourself in therapy.
They are spastic. They are uncontrolled. They are delightful little creatures that are just asking to be smothered in their sleep with their goose down pillows! They probably won't read this—they easily forget to do so. Curious critters who want to know all about you, change the subject before you can finish telling them everything, because there will be some shiny object somewhere much more interesting. They don't give a shit about little shit. They are the best partying people. They are the first ones to tell you to get over it. But you can't get them to stand still long enough to love them the way you want to.
Sagittarius is good to work for and with—so long as they’re interested in the work. Despite Sag’s well-deserved reputation of being flighty, when they’re passionate about something it will take all of their focus and they won’t have as much time to play with you. Sag continues to surprise the people who know them as they seem like playful kittens most of the time…and then they crack down and turn into office-warriors when it’s time to get something done. But then they drop the Nazi act when they take you to the bar at the end of the day.
Actually, the distracted nature is one of Sag’s best qualities. They forget you ever pissed them off, as soon as they’re done being pissed off about it. But don’t expect to stay friends with them after you dump them. If Sag has typed MAJOR DOUCHE next to your name in their cell phone, it’s not ever going back to SORT OF DOUCHE. Save yourself time and don’t make that call.
Sag can be a distant lover. Therapists like to draw “Fears Commitment” on their faces with sharpies if they pass out first. (Right. Like Sag ever passes out first…) They are frisky and kinky and are comfortable with the Poly lifestyle—for awhile. Eventually they crave emotional security, but not until they jump in and out of their partner’s lives for awhile…making them crazy…turning them to drugs…(please see above).
As friends, Sag is loyal and not afraid to tell you when you need to pull your head out of your anus or when you really need to flush old shit away. But they’ll also be your friend till the end, dragging you on planes and buses and runaway SUVs to chase down sailors and help you escape from weird French guys.
With that said, HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY to the Sag’s of the Convent of Sensual Salvation: Anja, Liz, Josi Wails and Yustin!
Welcome to the week of December 17-December 23! It’s beginning to look a lot like Macy’s mechanical holiday village…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
The Rams of Planet Earth spent this year learning how to get along with the rest of us lunatics. If your Aries is happy with you (let’s do hope so…) give them some of your precious roll-over minutes—if that’s available to you—under the advisory that they use them only to satisfy their need to check in with you every five minutes to make sure you’re not fucking up. If your Aries is unhappy with you, avoid leaving automatic weapons in their stocking. In fact, this is a fair warning to all of your Aries friends—happy or unhappy. Eventually, you’ll annoy them again. You probably have already and they haven’t told you yet.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus had a year of getting rid of crusty old habits and picking up new, equally as irritating vices. At least there’s variety there. Most Tauruses had to say goodbye to someone or something they loved dearly. The rest of us thought this person/place or thing was creepy and in need of a job and a hot shower, but we’re adequately feigning sympathy. Drop off a belated Hanukkah present this week that can let Taurus vent when you’re sick of hearing that story. A new journal for the retelling—if they promise never to blog about it again. A special pack of rewritable c.d.s for those old photos that really need to come off the MySpace page. A new Social Security Number, to keep Creepy Situation from ever finding them again.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Sister Mary strongly encourages all those who know and love Gemini to bring over a bag of good strong sedatives—herbal or pharmaceutical, you pick—to remind their favorite twins that this was the year they learned the benefits of slowing down. Keep a secret flask nearby. We all know they’re not going to listen to the messages of the Universe and all drugs act like stimulants on them anyway. The flask will come in handy when they wind up jumping in front of the same subway train. (That’s a symbolic statement, by the way. If you suspect your Gemini does actually want to jump in front of a moving unit of transportation—tie them to a chair and call the White Coats.)
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
We wept all year, didn’t we fellow Crabians? Not that this is different than any other year, granted. This year, we cried because the rest of the Universe didn’t cater to our wants—and our wants are the most important, correct? We cried harder when we realized that because we felt so bad about it. Don’t buy us anything. We feel unworthy. Instead, write us a sappy poem about all the ways we’re awesome. Give us something better to cry about. Our pillows are soggy. If you must purchase, buy us some new pillows.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leos had dual lessons this year—or dueling-lessons, who the hell knows? At least they learned that hiding under the couch is counter productive and kind of disgusting when they come out covered in last year’s cat hair. The first lesson was to stop pushing for something when you know it’s not going to work. The second is to let Mean Old Fate have a turn with your destiny. For this, give your Lion a courage medal like the Wizard did. They’ll appreciate that someone appreciates all the hard work they did on themselves this year. You may even get to cuddle with them!
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgos had a rough time in the second half of 2007. Saturn came in and announced that she’s not leaving for three years. Virgos experienced moves, drastic changes in relationships, job drama—wait. We all did. But Virgo also got the brunt of our drastic changes. While their heads are spinning and they’re trying not to vomit, distract them with a burned disk of the randiest YouTube you can find. The key theme here: THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. Leave it in their computer as a weapon against MyStalking bastards and G-Chat offenders. Let them borrow your headphones so they can use this weapon at work, too.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras don’t like surprises—they like plans. They’ve already told you what they want for Christmas. Now, ordinarily Sister Mary would tell you to simply go get it for them, and save a lot of pouting, but this time, Sister Mary encourages you to go out and get the exact opposite of what they asked for. The Wii? No. The Rubix Cube. Signed first edition of ‘His Dark Materials?’ Uh-uh. A couple of roach-eaten ‘Sweet Valley Highs’ you found in your parents’ garage. This will serve as a helpful reminder that we cannot control what the Universe sends our way. Of course, your Libra won’t speak to you for a few months, but like all good air signs, they’ll get over it.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Just get your Scorpio the nuclear football. They’ve been asking for it for years. Don’t worry. They’re not going to use it. They just want to have it. They know if they blow up the planet, there won’t be anything left to dominate. If you have trouble obtaining this fixture, scented candles are good and a copy of your favorite meditation chants Scorpios got out of balance this year trying to do everything themselves and need to center and go within to face 2008 with flying stingers.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sagittarius spent not only the last year, but the last year and a half on thinking about things in a brand new and often confusing way. This has led to a great deal of moping and whining about. Give your Sag a fresh Cat O’ Nine Tails and promise to use it on them, if they’re still feeling bad about whatever. They’ll get over themselves faster but then they’re going to want to return the favor. Proceed with caution if you like to give more than you like to receive.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
With numerous departures in the lives of our Capricorns, the nicest thing any of us could do would be to set up a new EHarmony profile for them. They’ll politely (sort of) refuse our offer. So, you counter by saying you’ve already done it and plan on screening suitor/ettes for them—just to save them some time. Tell them they’ve had six hundred hits already. (You may need to go create 600 profiles and send them fake messages.) They’ll be so curious they’ll jump all over it and take over from there.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Anything shiny that doesn’t take time to learn how to use (too easily distracted by other shiny things) are your best bets for Aquarius. While Sister Mary would normally encourage you to avoid giving Aquarius more things to distract them…it looks as though they, like their Virgo brethren, could use something to take their mind off hurtful chaos and frustrating departures. Crumple up some tin foil and kick it around the living room. Watch your Aquarius go to battle with your cat. You’ll be entertained, too!
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Our favorite fish struggled through a number of nasty, spiked roadblocks throughout 2007. The Great Bastard in the Sky shat on them right and left, forward and backward. Help get them reset by sending them to the spa. If you can’t afford the spa, set up the kiddie pool with some warm water and a little dried lavender floating on top. Dust off that Enya c.d. and play it softly. Do check their pockets for stones before leaving them alone in the kiddie pool. Not kidding. Some of our Pisces are just that desperate.
Safe travels to all in this glorious time!!! See you next week with a peek at ’08!!!
But first…let’s Talk about your favorite Sag…
Message to SMM: are you going to do a thing about the sags or what? i've only been waiting a freaking yr!
Sagittarius is not a naturally patient creature.
If your kid ends up Sagittarius, give them up for adoption. Unless you like the A.D.D. thing.
If you find yourself dating a Sagittarius, save some time and begin pulling handfuls of hair out of your head now.
If you find yourself falling in love with a Sagittarius, the only proper solution is to throw yourself infront of that upcoming A train—or at least go ahead and enroll yourself in therapy.
They are spastic. They are uncontrolled. They are delightful little creatures that are just asking to be smothered in their sleep with their goose down pillows! They probably won't read this—they easily forget to do so. Curious critters who want to know all about you, change the subject before you can finish telling them everything, because there will be some shiny object somewhere much more interesting. They don't give a shit about little shit. They are the best partying people. They are the first ones to tell you to get over it. But you can't get them to stand still long enough to love them the way you want to.
Sagittarius is good to work for and with—so long as they’re interested in the work. Despite Sag’s well-deserved reputation of being flighty, when they’re passionate about something it will take all of their focus and they won’t have as much time to play with you. Sag continues to surprise the people who know them as they seem like playful kittens most of the time…and then they crack down and turn into office-warriors when it’s time to get something done. But then they drop the Nazi act when they take you to the bar at the end of the day.
Actually, the distracted nature is one of Sag’s best qualities. They forget you ever pissed them off, as soon as they’re done being pissed off about it. But don’t expect to stay friends with them after you dump them. If Sag has typed MAJOR DOUCHE next to your name in their cell phone, it’s not ever going back to SORT OF DOUCHE. Save yourself time and don’t make that call.
Sag can be a distant lover. Therapists like to draw “Fears Commitment” on their faces with sharpies if they pass out first. (Right. Like Sag ever passes out first…) They are frisky and kinky and are comfortable with the Poly lifestyle—for awhile. Eventually they crave emotional security, but not until they jump in and out of their partner’s lives for awhile…making them crazy…turning them to drugs…(please see above).
As friends, Sag is loyal and not afraid to tell you when you need to pull your head out of your anus or when you really need to flush old shit away. But they’ll also be your friend till the end, dragging you on planes and buses and runaway SUVs to chase down sailors and help you escape from weird French guys.
With that said, HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY to the Sag’s of the Convent of Sensual Salvation: Anja, Liz, Josi Wails and Yustin!
Welcome to the week of December 17-December 23! It’s beginning to look a lot like Macy’s mechanical holiday village…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
The Rams of Planet Earth spent this year learning how to get along with the rest of us lunatics. If your Aries is happy with you (let’s do hope so…) give them some of your precious roll-over minutes—if that’s available to you—under the advisory that they use them only to satisfy their need to check in with you every five minutes to make sure you’re not fucking up. If your Aries is unhappy with you, avoid leaving automatic weapons in their stocking. In fact, this is a fair warning to all of your Aries friends—happy or unhappy. Eventually, you’ll annoy them again. You probably have already and they haven’t told you yet.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus had a year of getting rid of crusty old habits and picking up new, equally as irritating vices. At least there’s variety there. Most Tauruses had to say goodbye to someone or something they loved dearly. The rest of us thought this person/place or thing was creepy and in need of a job and a hot shower, but we’re adequately feigning sympathy. Drop off a belated Hanukkah present this week that can let Taurus vent when you’re sick of hearing that story. A new journal for the retelling—if they promise never to blog about it again. A special pack of rewritable c.d.s for those old photos that really need to come off the MySpace page. A new Social Security Number, to keep Creepy Situation from ever finding them again.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Sister Mary strongly encourages all those who know and love Gemini to bring over a bag of good strong sedatives—herbal or pharmaceutical, you pick—to remind their favorite twins that this was the year they learned the benefits of slowing down. Keep a secret flask nearby. We all know they’re not going to listen to the messages of the Universe and all drugs act like stimulants on them anyway. The flask will come in handy when they wind up jumping in front of the same subway train. (That’s a symbolic statement, by the way. If you suspect your Gemini does actually want to jump in front of a moving unit of transportation—tie them to a chair and call the White Coats.)
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
We wept all year, didn’t we fellow Crabians? Not that this is different than any other year, granted. This year, we cried because the rest of the Universe didn’t cater to our wants—and our wants are the most important, correct? We cried harder when we realized that because we felt so bad about it. Don’t buy us anything. We feel unworthy. Instead, write us a sappy poem about all the ways we’re awesome. Give us something better to cry about. Our pillows are soggy. If you must purchase, buy us some new pillows.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leos had dual lessons this year—or dueling-lessons, who the hell knows? At least they learned that hiding under the couch is counter productive and kind of disgusting when they come out covered in last year’s cat hair. The first lesson was to stop pushing for something when you know it’s not going to work. The second is to let Mean Old Fate have a turn with your destiny. For this, give your Lion a courage medal like the Wizard did. They’ll appreciate that someone appreciates all the hard work they did on themselves this year. You may even get to cuddle with them!
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgos had a rough time in the second half of 2007. Saturn came in and announced that she’s not leaving for three years. Virgos experienced moves, drastic changes in relationships, job drama—wait. We all did. But Virgo also got the brunt of our drastic changes. While their heads are spinning and they’re trying not to vomit, distract them with a burned disk of the randiest YouTube you can find. The key theme here: THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. Leave it in their computer as a weapon against MyStalking bastards and G-Chat offenders. Let them borrow your headphones so they can use this weapon at work, too.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras don’t like surprises—they like plans. They’ve already told you what they want for Christmas. Now, ordinarily Sister Mary would tell you to simply go get it for them, and save a lot of pouting, but this time, Sister Mary encourages you to go out and get the exact opposite of what they asked for. The Wii? No. The Rubix Cube. Signed first edition of ‘His Dark Materials?’ Uh-uh. A couple of roach-eaten ‘Sweet Valley Highs’ you found in your parents’ garage. This will serve as a helpful reminder that we cannot control what the Universe sends our way. Of course, your Libra won’t speak to you for a few months, but like all good air signs, they’ll get over it.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Just get your Scorpio the nuclear football. They’ve been asking for it for years. Don’t worry. They’re not going to use it. They just want to have it. They know if they blow up the planet, there won’t be anything left to dominate. If you have trouble obtaining this fixture, scented candles are good and a copy of your favorite meditation chants Scorpios got out of balance this year trying to do everything themselves and need to center and go within to face 2008 with flying stingers.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sagittarius spent not only the last year, but the last year and a half on thinking about things in a brand new and often confusing way. This has led to a great deal of moping and whining about. Give your Sag a fresh Cat O’ Nine Tails and promise to use it on them, if they’re still feeling bad about whatever. They’ll get over themselves faster but then they’re going to want to return the favor. Proceed with caution if you like to give more than you like to receive.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
With numerous departures in the lives of our Capricorns, the nicest thing any of us could do would be to set up a new EHarmony profile for them. They’ll politely (sort of) refuse our offer. So, you counter by saying you’ve already done it and plan on screening suitor/ettes for them—just to save them some time. Tell them they’ve had six hundred hits already. (You may need to go create 600 profiles and send them fake messages.) They’ll be so curious they’ll jump all over it and take over from there.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Anything shiny that doesn’t take time to learn how to use (too easily distracted by other shiny things) are your best bets for Aquarius. While Sister Mary would normally encourage you to avoid giving Aquarius more things to distract them…it looks as though they, like their Virgo brethren, could use something to take their mind off hurtful chaos and frustrating departures. Crumple up some tin foil and kick it around the living room. Watch your Aquarius go to battle with your cat. You’ll be entertained, too!
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Our favorite fish struggled through a number of nasty, spiked roadblocks throughout 2007. The Great Bastard in the Sky shat on them right and left, forward and backward. Help get them reset by sending them to the spa. If you can’t afford the spa, set up the kiddie pool with some warm water and a little dried lavender floating on top. Dust off that Enya c.d. and play it softly. Do check their pockets for stones before leaving them alone in the kiddie pool. Not kidding. Some of our Pisces are just that desperate.
Safe travels to all in this glorious time!!! See you next week with a peek at ’08!!!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
More for your Mantra...Show next weekend and More from the Sister Mary Warehouse!!!
Ah, good sinners! Many thanks for your patience. Sister Mary had BUKOS of penance this week—in addition to preparing sandwiches and bottles of beer for the poor and the sober! This week, the twelve signs will each be getting a special mantra to guide them through the next week. Full reports and the Sagittarius description will be back next week!
Lest we not forget, however, the delightful excitement to come!
What: The Ass-tro Hour with Sister Mary Manhattan
When: Sat 12.15 @ 9PM
Where: Stain Bar (766 Grand Street, Brooklyn. Take the L to Grand—walk one block west)
How Much: $FREE
http://www.stainbar.com/
This month features special guests Yenta Claws (Jennifer Glick of the Inga Studtmeier Show and the Lower East Side Match Game ), and burlesque diva Harley Dear (Five time winner Miss Galapagazanga, Spice Variety Show). Tell Yenta Claws if you were naughty or nice this year…the naughtiest guy or girl wins fabulously naughty prizes!!!
And don’t forget!!!! It’s the last week to order a special Sister Mary chart…just in time for that office gift exchange you know you’re dreading so!!!
The Full Chart:
Sister Mary Manhattan breaks down the sun/moon/rising and 12 houses to explain why you (or your favorite brat) is such a crazy bitch or bastard!
$40 (or two for $65)
The Cheap Bastard’s Chart:
For the weak of wallet: Sister Mary Manhattan will break down the sun/moon/rising sign...and leave you wanting more, of course. But it’s a start!
$15 (two for $25, but then you really are being cheap.)
The Douchebag Chart:
For the person you’d rather leave off your list all together, but your mom says you have to get them something. Based on carefully calculated zodiac alignment, Sister Mary will explain why this person is so douche-ish—in a funny, informative way that may help them stop being that way.
$10 (two for $15. If you have more than two douchebags in your life, the problem may not be them…)
The Severe Douchebag Chart:
For the person who ONLY deserves coal…explain to Sister Mary exactly what this Severe Douche did to earn the title, and Sister Mary will personally deliver the coal herself.
$FREE. (You provide the coal.)
Contact Sister Mary at sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com if you would like to purchase.
Welcome to the week of December 10-December 16! Just keep breathing, just keep breathing…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Disruption takes many forms, and few of them are pretty. Focus on laughing at these interruptions and you are less likely to punch in a wall. Broken knuckles=difficulty opening your Hanukah presents.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Enjoy your joy and try to share. If you have not found your joy, look for it in those you love. Look not for it at the bottom of your eggnog at the office holiday party.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
SHUT UP. And don’t drink too much.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Be patient—patience is an effective tool against migraines. Rome was not built in a day, nor torn down in a week. Think about Rome. The weather is nicer, too.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Stiffen that lip and take three deep breaths. Get out of that bed. Moving around will make it harder for Bad Shit to find you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Give freely and receive without condition. Your open heart is what your therapist lives for.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Slow down and stop to smell the plastic roses. Open your mind and nostrils and you’ll enjoy many new illusions—some may not be illusions after all.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Turn around and go the other way. Now, keep going. When you end up where you started, you’ve gone far enough. You’ll learn a lot too on that little jaunt around the world.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Watch your money. Don’t spend it all on coke.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Be happy. You’re the hottest kid at the party. If people don’t say it, it’s because they’re jealous. Enjoy being envied.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Nothing lost, nothing gained. Where are you, anyway?
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Listen to the careful words of the winos on the street. A message is coming and its sound is discreet. (Cool!!! Sister Mary made a rhyme!!!) Don’t ignore it this time, or you’ll be very, very sorry.
Lest we not forget, however, the delightful excitement to come!
What: The Ass-tro Hour with Sister Mary Manhattan
When: Sat 12.15 @ 9PM
Where: Stain Bar (766 Grand Street, Brooklyn. Take the L to Grand—walk one block west)
How Much: $FREE
http://www.stainbar.com/
This month features special guests Yenta Claws (Jennifer Glick of the Inga Studtmeier Show and the Lower East Side Match Game ), and burlesque diva Harley Dear (Five time winner Miss Galapagazanga, Spice Variety Show). Tell Yenta Claws if you were naughty or nice this year…the naughtiest guy or girl wins fabulously naughty prizes!!!
And don’t forget!!!! It’s the last week to order a special Sister Mary chart…just in time for that office gift exchange you know you’re dreading so!!!
The Full Chart:
Sister Mary Manhattan breaks down the sun/moon/rising and 12 houses to explain why you (or your favorite brat) is such a crazy bitch or bastard!
$40 (or two for $65)
The Cheap Bastard’s Chart:
For the weak of wallet: Sister Mary Manhattan will break down the sun/moon/rising sign...and leave you wanting more, of course. But it’s a start!
$15 (two for $25, but then you really are being cheap.)
The Douchebag Chart:
For the person you’d rather leave off your list all together, but your mom says you have to get them something. Based on carefully calculated zodiac alignment, Sister Mary will explain why this person is so douche-ish—in a funny, informative way that may help them stop being that way.
$10 (two for $15. If you have more than two douchebags in your life, the problem may not be them…)
The Severe Douchebag Chart:
For the person who ONLY deserves coal…explain to Sister Mary exactly what this Severe Douche did to earn the title, and Sister Mary will personally deliver the coal herself.
$FREE. (You provide the coal.)
Contact Sister Mary at sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com if you would like to purchase.
Welcome to the week of December 10-December 16! Just keep breathing, just keep breathing…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Disruption takes many forms, and few of them are pretty. Focus on laughing at these interruptions and you are less likely to punch in a wall. Broken knuckles=difficulty opening your Hanukah presents.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Enjoy your joy and try to share. If you have not found your joy, look for it in those you love. Look not for it at the bottom of your eggnog at the office holiday party.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
SHUT UP. And don’t drink too much.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Be patient—patience is an effective tool against migraines. Rome was not built in a day, nor torn down in a week. Think about Rome. The weather is nicer, too.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Stiffen that lip and take three deep breaths. Get out of that bed. Moving around will make it harder for Bad Shit to find you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Give freely and receive without condition. Your open heart is what your therapist lives for.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Slow down and stop to smell the plastic roses. Open your mind and nostrils and you’ll enjoy many new illusions—some may not be illusions after all.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Turn around and go the other way. Now, keep going. When you end up where you started, you’ve gone far enough. You’ll learn a lot too on that little jaunt around the world.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Watch your money. Don’t spend it all on coke.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Be happy. You’re the hottest kid at the party. If people don’t say it, it’s because they’re jealous. Enjoy being envied.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Nothing lost, nothing gained. Where are you, anyway?
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Listen to the careful words of the winos on the street. A message is coming and its sound is discreet. (Cool!!! Sister Mary made a rhyme!!!) Don’t ignore it this time, or you’ll be very, very sorry.
Monday, December 10, 2007
In the confessional....
It's going to be awhile.
Horrorscopes will be up this evening.
Enjoy your day!!!
xoxo
SMM
Horrorscopes will be up this evening.
Enjoy your day!!!
xoxo
SMM
Monday, December 3, 2007
Chattering monkeys and balanced equations
Good morning, Fair Sinners! Let us pray that you have settled your debts and indiscretions with your Sagittarius and Libra comrades, for they are running the entire chart this week: Sag covering the Sun and Mercury: Planet of Communication while Libra has taken hold of the Moon and Venus: Planet of Luv. Miraculously, this week should be full of sacred laughter and blessed debauchery—thank you to Sag—while Libra’s influence will keep Sag’s fanaticism at bay as well as provide some much needed procrastination to distract you from the stress of Holiday Capitalism.
But speaking of Holiday Capitalism…since you’re here…
Don’t forget to shop for your favorite alignment at Sister Mary’s Holiday Warehouse!!!!
The Full Chart:
Sister Mary Manhattan breaks down the sun/moon/rising and 12 houses to explain why you (or your favorite brat) is such a crazy bitch or bastard!
$40 (or two for $65)
The Cheap Bastard’s Chart:
For the weak of wallet: Sister Mary Manhattan will break down the sun/moon/rising sign...and leave you wanting more, of course. But it’s a start!
$15 (two for $25, but then you really are being cheap.)
The Douchebag Chart:
For the person you’d rather leave off your list all together, but your mom says you have to get them something. Based on carefully calculated zodiac alignment, Sister Mary will explain why this person is so douche-ish—in a funny, informative way that may help them stop being that way.
$10 (two for $15. If you have more than two douchebags in your life, the problem may not be them…)
The Severe Douchebag Chart:
For the person who ONLY deserves coal…explain to Sister Mary exactly what this Severe Douche did to earn the title, and Sister Mary will personally deliver the coal herself.
$FREE. (You provide the coal.)
Contact Sister Mary at sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com if you would like to purchase.
Welcome to the week of December 2-December 8! Just when you thought it couldn’t get any weirder…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Since the communication planet is still hanging out in Sag, chances are someone said something downright douche-ish (but well-meaning!) and you, Aries, are severely irritated that you missed the chance to backhand them. Aries, Sister Mary assures you that the opportunity to smack them will not return. Besides, Mercury in Sag also means that people are going to forget the crazy things they’ve said within three minutes, anyway! Punching out the co-worker, friend or feeble old uncle is only going to make you look like an ass and probably get you arrested. Focus this week on pretending your annoyances never happened and you’ll live a much more fulfilling existence.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus’s week is actually going to start out strong—but Taurus isn’t going to see it like that. They’re going to see the departure of the soul-sucking lover as proof of their inadequacy, while not-so-secretly, all their friend are glad you won’t be bringing around Should-Have-Showered-First Guy (or Girl) ever again. Taurus, whether you did have a stinky lover, or you got fired or your cat ran away with the flea circus, this departure is The Great Bastard In The Sky’s way of telling you that you CAN do better. Now, while you’re whimpering into your eggnog over in the corner, keep in mind you’re ignoring lots of hot people at the party. Blot up the mascara runs and munch a breath mint. You look fabulous, by the way...even with the runs.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Nothing to report for Gemini this week. It’s all thoroughly boring. Wait. This just in from the cauldron…Gemini is being pursued by cops or something. Or else their partner is chasing them around with an electric rolling pin. You were supposed to get something done last week and you got distracted. Now, that thing is chasing after you and plans to stick around like hangover nausea. While you’re looking for an excuse, you’re only going to come up with the answer, “Um…I suck?” You know you’ve made this mistake before and you don’t have many ways of evading it this time—save jumping out the window, but that’s messy and you’re not really keen on broken skulls, anyway. Admitting to a fuck-up is the sign of the wise person. Work on being wise this week.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Wake UP!!! Colder weather and warmer blankets are keeping we nesters out of accomplishing anything this week, except making heating up a can of Organic Tomato Soup, served with a slice of smoked gouda…damn. It’s good to be a food-loving Cancer when it’s cold. Now, we had some kind of creative or emotional breakthrough at the end of last week, but we’re too lazy this week to do anything about it. Scary considering the Dude in the Whitehouse is a Cancer who was supposed to be doing something about a peace accord last week…why does Mars have to retrograde through our sign during times of war and holiday shopping? While hibernating for three days straight feels good on our icy toes, it doesn’t do much for the rest of the world and we’ll start getting depressed about it, which will keep us on the couch for another week or so.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Your fellow fire sign having control of the communication center of the zodiac is going to work well for you this week, leonine friend. You’re going to get some helpful information, and hopefully a delightful compliment as well. Your ego could use it—again. Whether this is a lead on a job, an elusive Hanukah present or the home address of the bitch or bastard who stole your high school love, you’ll be on the path you’ve wanted to be on for the next five to seven days. This will ultimately end in a new partnership. You’ll get the job you’re after. You’ll nab the gift for Aunt Ruth. You’ll find that vixen and instead of murdering him or her, will see that they actually are the coolest thing since blue-jean pockets and you’ll fall desperately in love. Enjoy this week. It’ll be good for you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Did you rob a bank or something? How in the hell does a sign end up with cash in its pocket when Saturn: Planet of Suck is taking a dump in their sun-sign region? Wait, never mind. Looks as though you did formulate some kind of heist, but it’s about to get busted so your entire reading is back to Suck. Yeah, Virgo. No matter how much you thought about it, there isn’t a short-cut out of your time in Saturn. Looks as though the only way to relieve this frustration is to talk to someone you trust about it. Make sure they’re the listening type, not the Give Annoying Advice type, because the only way to get you out of your current predicament is to wait and not get suicidal.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Since you’ve still got Venus in your corner, you’ll still (big news there) be thinking about matters of your flighty little heart. But the moon being in your sign too means you’ll also be thinking about you and how you can better things for others. Lots of introspection and lots of phone calls to trusted psychic advisors—that’s what the cauldron is saying about Libra this week. Just remember that psychic advisors are thoroughly swamped during the Holidays with depressed people, so don’t drain on them too much. You know there are some serious habits you’ll have to break this year, besides those involving nicotine and nose picking. But you’ll have to do most of it on your own. Besides, phone psychics are expensive.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)Despite what the voices in your head keep telling you—you CAN NOT run the planet alone. You have to have advisors and assistants, not just subjects to bring you food and water. Basically, you did too much on your own last week which has created either emotional melt-down, hernia or both. Communication planet in Sag means people seem like they’re mocking you, but that’s your paranoia coming to get you again. Sag people mouth off to everyone and they’re possessing the minds of everyone this week. Try not to kill anyone you may later regret killing.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
So, Sag, this is the week you’ll be able to take over the world, if you can keep your attention on it that long. Domination of even small nations can take as long a year to even get started. Actually, why don’t you focus on controlling a simpler faction? Like yourself? While people are speaking your language in the coming days (Communication Mercury being in your sign), work on healing relationships with people you pissed off over the last few months. Try some loathed brown-nosing to get yourself a raise. Don’t annoy anyone. The last one is a random fact, but should be taken seriously as well.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Well, it’s safe to say that it’s all about you this week, Capricorn. At least in your mind. That’s not such a bad thing, except you’ll be irritated with the rest of the world when they don’t necessarily think the same thing. In their world, it’s all about them. Now, if you’re wondering why after all this time waiting in line to audition for American Idol why you’re still not famous, remember that you’re still in line!!! You haven’t missed any opportunities, yes. They’re coming and probably so many you’ll get dizzy and have a mild-medium panic attack. Some Capricorn, somewhere, is going to hit the big time this week and we all hope it’s going to be you. You. You…
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
The sign of the wizened drunk is to know when to leave the party. Aquarius, you should have embraced that wisdom and called a cab before making out with the burly chick’s date. You weren’t even into this person, anyway, you just like causing trouble. Now, while half the people at the party are bumping you from their MySpace pages in solidarity with burly chick, you may need to make some new friends and not hit on their dates. Some of you may need to consider moving to a different time zone, depending on which burly chick you messed with. In fact, this may be a great idea for all Aquarius this week. Since most of you don’t have the option of moving, consider a fresh disguise.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Yeah, you could have a good week coming your way if you actually get leave your bedroom for a few hours. Good things are in the cauldron for you this week. You’ll have some of those delightful soul-sharing moments with your favorite friends and lovers. But you also may find that you’re being pulled into refereeing a fight between your favorite couple and that’s not a particularly delightful place to be. Be careful which places you get into, because it will take a long time to get out. Pisces, you’ve also been on a course of creative development which you get wishy-washy about. This week, you’ll return to it, even for a brief bit before hiding behind the plastic plants of your mind again. But it’s still a step in a positive direction.
But speaking of Holiday Capitalism…since you’re here…
Don’t forget to shop for your favorite alignment at Sister Mary’s Holiday Warehouse!!!!
The Full Chart:
Sister Mary Manhattan breaks down the sun/moon/rising and 12 houses to explain why you (or your favorite brat) is such a crazy bitch or bastard!
$40 (or two for $65)
The Cheap Bastard’s Chart:
For the weak of wallet: Sister Mary Manhattan will break down the sun/moon/rising sign...and leave you wanting more, of course. But it’s a start!
$15 (two for $25, but then you really are being cheap.)
The Douchebag Chart:
For the person you’d rather leave off your list all together, but your mom says you have to get them something. Based on carefully calculated zodiac alignment, Sister Mary will explain why this person is so douche-ish—in a funny, informative way that may help them stop being that way.
$10 (two for $15. If you have more than two douchebags in your life, the problem may not be them…)
The Severe Douchebag Chart:
For the person who ONLY deserves coal…explain to Sister Mary exactly what this Severe Douche did to earn the title, and Sister Mary will personally deliver the coal herself.
$FREE. (You provide the coal.)
Contact Sister Mary at sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com if you would like to purchase.
Welcome to the week of December 2-December 8! Just when you thought it couldn’t get any weirder…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Since the communication planet is still hanging out in Sag, chances are someone said something downright douche-ish (but well-meaning!) and you, Aries, are severely irritated that you missed the chance to backhand them. Aries, Sister Mary assures you that the opportunity to smack them will not return. Besides, Mercury in Sag also means that people are going to forget the crazy things they’ve said within three minutes, anyway! Punching out the co-worker, friend or feeble old uncle is only going to make you look like an ass and probably get you arrested. Focus this week on pretending your annoyances never happened and you’ll live a much more fulfilling existence.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus’s week is actually going to start out strong—but Taurus isn’t going to see it like that. They’re going to see the departure of the soul-sucking lover as proof of their inadequacy, while not-so-secretly, all their friend are glad you won’t be bringing around Should-Have-Showered-First Guy (or Girl) ever again. Taurus, whether you did have a stinky lover, or you got fired or your cat ran away with the flea circus, this departure is The Great Bastard In The Sky’s way of telling you that you CAN do better. Now, while you’re whimpering into your eggnog over in the corner, keep in mind you’re ignoring lots of hot people at the party. Blot up the mascara runs and munch a breath mint. You look fabulous, by the way...even with the runs.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Nothing to report for Gemini this week. It’s all thoroughly boring. Wait. This just in from the cauldron…Gemini is being pursued by cops or something. Or else their partner is chasing them around with an electric rolling pin. You were supposed to get something done last week and you got distracted. Now, that thing is chasing after you and plans to stick around like hangover nausea. While you’re looking for an excuse, you’re only going to come up with the answer, “Um…I suck?” You know you’ve made this mistake before and you don’t have many ways of evading it this time—save jumping out the window, but that’s messy and you’re not really keen on broken skulls, anyway. Admitting to a fuck-up is the sign of the wise person. Work on being wise this week.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Wake UP!!! Colder weather and warmer blankets are keeping we nesters out of accomplishing anything this week, except making heating up a can of Organic Tomato Soup, served with a slice of smoked gouda…damn. It’s good to be a food-loving Cancer when it’s cold. Now, we had some kind of creative or emotional breakthrough at the end of last week, but we’re too lazy this week to do anything about it. Scary considering the Dude in the Whitehouse is a Cancer who was supposed to be doing something about a peace accord last week…why does Mars have to retrograde through our sign during times of war and holiday shopping? While hibernating for three days straight feels good on our icy toes, it doesn’t do much for the rest of the world and we’ll start getting depressed about it, which will keep us on the couch for another week or so.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Your fellow fire sign having control of the communication center of the zodiac is going to work well for you this week, leonine friend. You’re going to get some helpful information, and hopefully a delightful compliment as well. Your ego could use it—again. Whether this is a lead on a job, an elusive Hanukah present or the home address of the bitch or bastard who stole your high school love, you’ll be on the path you’ve wanted to be on for the next five to seven days. This will ultimately end in a new partnership. You’ll get the job you’re after. You’ll nab the gift for Aunt Ruth. You’ll find that vixen and instead of murdering him or her, will see that they actually are the coolest thing since blue-jean pockets and you’ll fall desperately in love. Enjoy this week. It’ll be good for you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Did you rob a bank or something? How in the hell does a sign end up with cash in its pocket when Saturn: Planet of Suck is taking a dump in their sun-sign region? Wait, never mind. Looks as though you did formulate some kind of heist, but it’s about to get busted so your entire reading is back to Suck. Yeah, Virgo. No matter how much you thought about it, there isn’t a short-cut out of your time in Saturn. Looks as though the only way to relieve this frustration is to talk to someone you trust about it. Make sure they’re the listening type, not the Give Annoying Advice type, because the only way to get you out of your current predicament is to wait and not get suicidal.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Since you’ve still got Venus in your corner, you’ll still (big news there) be thinking about matters of your flighty little heart. But the moon being in your sign too means you’ll also be thinking about you and how you can better things for others. Lots of introspection and lots of phone calls to trusted psychic advisors—that’s what the cauldron is saying about Libra this week. Just remember that psychic advisors are thoroughly swamped during the Holidays with depressed people, so don’t drain on them too much. You know there are some serious habits you’ll have to break this year, besides those involving nicotine and nose picking. But you’ll have to do most of it on your own. Besides, phone psychics are expensive.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)Despite what the voices in your head keep telling you—you CAN NOT run the planet alone. You have to have advisors and assistants, not just subjects to bring you food and water. Basically, you did too much on your own last week which has created either emotional melt-down, hernia or both. Communication planet in Sag means people seem like they’re mocking you, but that’s your paranoia coming to get you again. Sag people mouth off to everyone and they’re possessing the minds of everyone this week. Try not to kill anyone you may later regret killing.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
So, Sag, this is the week you’ll be able to take over the world, if you can keep your attention on it that long. Domination of even small nations can take as long a year to even get started. Actually, why don’t you focus on controlling a simpler faction? Like yourself? While people are speaking your language in the coming days (Communication Mercury being in your sign), work on healing relationships with people you pissed off over the last few months. Try some loathed brown-nosing to get yourself a raise. Don’t annoy anyone. The last one is a random fact, but should be taken seriously as well.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Well, it’s safe to say that it’s all about you this week, Capricorn. At least in your mind. That’s not such a bad thing, except you’ll be irritated with the rest of the world when they don’t necessarily think the same thing. In their world, it’s all about them. Now, if you’re wondering why after all this time waiting in line to audition for American Idol why you’re still not famous, remember that you’re still in line!!! You haven’t missed any opportunities, yes. They’re coming and probably so many you’ll get dizzy and have a mild-medium panic attack. Some Capricorn, somewhere, is going to hit the big time this week and we all hope it’s going to be you. You. You…
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
The sign of the wizened drunk is to know when to leave the party. Aquarius, you should have embraced that wisdom and called a cab before making out with the burly chick’s date. You weren’t even into this person, anyway, you just like causing trouble. Now, while half the people at the party are bumping you from their MySpace pages in solidarity with burly chick, you may need to make some new friends and not hit on their dates. Some of you may need to consider moving to a different time zone, depending on which burly chick you messed with. In fact, this may be a great idea for all Aquarius this week. Since most of you don’t have the option of moving, consider a fresh disguise.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Yeah, you could have a good week coming your way if you actually get leave your bedroom for a few hours. Good things are in the cauldron for you this week. You’ll have some of those delightful soul-sharing moments with your favorite friends and lovers. But you also may find that you’re being pulled into refereeing a fight between your favorite couple and that’s not a particularly delightful place to be. Be careful which places you get into, because it will take a long time to get out. Pisces, you’ve also been on a course of creative development which you get wishy-washy about. This week, you’ll return to it, even for a brief bit before hiding behind the plastic plants of your mind again. But it’s still a step in a positive direction.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Turkey is done...but Sister Mary's Warehouse lives on!!!!
Why shop online or at the mall when you can help your favorite asstrologer nun pay off rehab? Super-cool holiday presents for you and yours!!! Email sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com for further details.
The Full Chart:
Sister Mary Manhattan breaks down the sun/moon/rising and 12 houses to explain why you (or your favorite brat) is such a crazy bitch or bastard!
$40 (or two for $65)
The Cheap Bastard’s Chart:
For the weak of wallet: Sister Mary Manhattan will break down the sun/moon/rising sign...and leave you wanting more, of course. But it’s a start!
$15 (two for $25, but then you really are being cheap.)
The Douchebag Chart:
For the person you’d rather leave off your list all together, but your mom says you have to get them something. Based on carefully calculated zodiac alignment, Sister Mary will explain why this person is so douche-ish—in a funny, informative way that may help them stop being that way.
$10 (two for $15. If you have more than two douchebags in your life, the problem may not be them…)
The Severe Douchebag Chart:
For the person who ONLY deserves coal…explain to Sister Mary exactly what this Severe Douche did to earn the title, and Sister Mary will personally deliver the coal herself.
$FREE. (You provide the coal.)
Welcome to the week of November 25 –December 1…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
When we last left Aries, our favorite Rams were attempting to breathe slowly and evenly to weather their family affairs. It looks as though the coming week won’t provide much relief from irritation. You know what Aries loves? Standing in long lines to buy crap they don’t need during a Gemini moon when people are running their mouths like a flesh and blood web feed. (No, they don’t.) Aries, you may need to up your Prozac to temper your inner-Scrooge. The Holiday season is just beginning, but the booze-drenched parties haven’t. Work on getting some more time for yourself or you’re going to have a mess of friends calling Sister Mary for coal delivery.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
With your home planet still hanging out in balanced Libra, don’t start digging up drama just because you’re bored. The new ADD-fused Sag energy and chatter-box Gemini lunar influences increase the potential of migraines on those people around you, and you really don’t need to be adding to that. This week will provide calm seas, so maybe get a jump on your Christmas shopping now that the Shopping weekend lines are winding down. The Flying Monkeys are warning you, however, not to get distracted by swishy fabrics that make your ass look fabulous when you need to buying pretty guest towels for Grandma.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Thank god you snapped out of that lousy mood. We were all starting to get bored. With Mr. Hyde stuffed back in the Prozac bottle, you’re in a fabulous mood to start your Holiday Binging. Oops. Looks like there are more problems on the homefront. Remember that fight you had with your mom/dad/spouse/cousin/milk man/cable guy/domme? Yeah, you forgot all about that, didn’t you? Well, they didn’t. Start buying flowers because people are ready to kick your flakey ass to the curb. Despite your impulse to share your manic thoughts (which is going to be hard, since it’s your moon causing so much indecisive blah-blah). You’d be better off listening right now.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Most of we Cancers slept through the last four days, and only part of that was the anti-Atkins coma. Mars is dragging its sweet ass out of our sign, which means we still feel like leaving the dishes for the cat to lick clean and feeling like blaming Bird Flu to use our last sick day. The good news is that Month Of Sloth is going to last only a few more days and we’ll get this strange, unusual burst of motivation we haven’t seen since August. Maybe we’ll do the dishes and fix the cabinets ourselves, instead of guilt-tripping an ex-lover into doing it. Maybe we’ll finish writing our thank-you notes for our birthday presents. Whatever it is we finally get around to doing, it’s going to put us in a fabulous mood by week’s end and maybe we’ll throw a party! That would be a nice way to kick off the holidays.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Sister Mary doesn’t want you to panic, but the first part of this week is going to kinda suck. Not really suck. Things are going okay for you, but kinda lousy for everyone around you which (of course) you’re going to be inclined to take personally. You can’t do much about it, although buying lunch for a heart-broken girlfriend might tip the Karma jar in your favor. It’s not going to last long, so don’t go throwing yourself off any bridges in sympathy for your drama-queen friends. It looks like relationships are going to get miraculously healthier by Wednesday or something and you may get called to stick up for a mousy co-worker who got thrown under the bus for something someone else did. (You, maybe?) Keep an eye on it.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Hey, cheer up. Saturn: Planet of Suck is giving you a break this week and it looks like some fabulous new project that thrills, excites and scintillates your senses is going to get thrown in your lap during the first part of the week. Don’t go getting distracted when you start getting panicked phone calls from best friends and old lovers in the middle of the night. Learn the power of the off-button on your cell phone. Not that you’re going to listen to the flying monkeys. We all know you’re going to start freaking out when you remember that you don’t hold the controls to the Universe. Step back and let people make their own mistakes for awhile. How many times do you stubborn bastards have to get this reading? You don’t get anymore this week until you think about these things.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
You must work with a Virgo or something, because you’re also getting some super cool project to play with. Although for most Libras, it looks like more of a home project. Maybe you’re busy getting animated snowmen chained to your fire escape so the little shits two floors up don’t snag them again this year. And like Virgo and Leo, you’re also going to be stuck in some kind of drama pool that you didn’t create and you sure as hell don’t have anyway to drain it. Try some of that patience thing again. If you can’t do that, try some of that marijuana thing again. Something to keep you snoozing on the couch and out of the way. We know you want to help, but you’re in more danger of getting sucked down the drainpipe. Go work on your snowmen.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
So, the sun isn’t in your sign anymore. It happens every year, you nut. At least you still have Mercury in your corner, you can still manipulate people in your favor for the next couple of weeks. Hopefully, you haven’t spent the whole time calculating your move and got some work done for yourself—besides hacking into your partner’s Mastercard account to find out what you’re getting for Christmas. This week will be thoroughly productive for you and if you’ve had unwelcome drama over the past few months, you’ll finally throw up your hands and start meddling with something else. More good news for you—when Virgo, Libra and Leo thoroughly ignore Sister Mary’s advice, you’ll end up getting their super-cool projects when they end up in the psych ward.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Happy Birthday, by the way. Don’t drink too much--this week, anyway. You’re going to have too much work to do to mess with a hangover. Wait, forget what you just heard. Some kind of b.s. is going to drive you to the bar. Seriously, though. Try not to get too blasted although it’s going to be a very tempting course of action. Take deep breaths and try not to strangle any assholes this week. Most of the crap is going to resolve itself by Thursday. Give or take a day or two. Watch how many people you try to boss around. While it’s a lot more fun than handling your own garbage, you don’t have the time for it. Don’t look for accolades for your good behavior. First of all, you’re not that well behaved. Second, The Great Bastard in the sky is paying attention, but He’s the only one.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You know, you keep getting this same reading. It’s a good reading, the Blank Canvas, Life is What You Make It, You’re the Goddess of Your Universe or some crap like that. Why does this keep coming up? Is it because you’re not actually doing anything with your blank canvas? Changes are on the way for Capricorn this week, and it’s the beginning of blossoming or decay, depending on how you work it. Do something good with it because a disheveled Goat is a rancid sight. It’s a great week to watch some Lifetime re-runs and journal your feelings or some shit. Let some stuff go so you can have plenty of room to draw up new, more interesting drama.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Clearly, SOMEONE didn’t listen to their inner cricket…why are you chasing your tail-less ass? You’re not missing out on anything. Aquarius, you must accept the fact that you are indeed the coolest person you know and no where, anywhere else are people having more fun than you’re having. Whether clubbing, tripping, or watching midget wrestling on late-night cable, no one is having more fun than you are. Right now. The Flying Monkeys indicate that you’re going to fall into an uncharacteristic bout of the bitchies this week. Fortunately, it won’t last long. You’ll be friendly and attractive again by week’s end, and may even reunite with a long-lost college sweetheart who didn’t suck as much as you remembered! The holidays are good for that, and they’re only just beginning!
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Well, Intuitive One…you do realize the people asking you for help at the moment are perfectly capable of fixing their own broken lives, but would rather have you do it because they’re lazy rat-bastards? Whether you admit that you’re aware of this or not, try to get something out of it—even if it’s only free lunch. Your survival in the coming week is based solely on your attitude, so try extra hard not to bring out your old standby, “Why bother, we’re all dead in 2012, anyway…” Be careful not to snap at anyone, as you know you’re going to feel super bad about it, later. A necessary departure is coming up by week’s end. Maybe the free-loader is finally off the couch. You know you need to find a better place to find roommates than at the bus station.
The Full Chart:
Sister Mary Manhattan breaks down the sun/moon/rising and 12 houses to explain why you (or your favorite brat) is such a crazy bitch or bastard!
$40 (or two for $65)
The Cheap Bastard’s Chart:
For the weak of wallet: Sister Mary Manhattan will break down the sun/moon/rising sign...and leave you wanting more, of course. But it’s a start!
$15 (two for $25, but then you really are being cheap.)
The Douchebag Chart:
For the person you’d rather leave off your list all together, but your mom says you have to get them something. Based on carefully calculated zodiac alignment, Sister Mary will explain why this person is so douche-ish—in a funny, informative way that may help them stop being that way.
$10 (two for $15. If you have more than two douchebags in your life, the problem may not be them…)
The Severe Douchebag Chart:
For the person who ONLY deserves coal…explain to Sister Mary exactly what this Severe Douche did to earn the title, and Sister Mary will personally deliver the coal herself.
$FREE. (You provide the coal.)
Welcome to the week of November 25 –December 1…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
When we last left Aries, our favorite Rams were attempting to breathe slowly and evenly to weather their family affairs. It looks as though the coming week won’t provide much relief from irritation. You know what Aries loves? Standing in long lines to buy crap they don’t need during a Gemini moon when people are running their mouths like a flesh and blood web feed. (No, they don’t.) Aries, you may need to up your Prozac to temper your inner-Scrooge. The Holiday season is just beginning, but the booze-drenched parties haven’t. Work on getting some more time for yourself or you’re going to have a mess of friends calling Sister Mary for coal delivery.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
With your home planet still hanging out in balanced Libra, don’t start digging up drama just because you’re bored. The new ADD-fused Sag energy and chatter-box Gemini lunar influences increase the potential of migraines on those people around you, and you really don’t need to be adding to that. This week will provide calm seas, so maybe get a jump on your Christmas shopping now that the Shopping weekend lines are winding down. The Flying Monkeys are warning you, however, not to get distracted by swishy fabrics that make your ass look fabulous when you need to buying pretty guest towels for Grandma.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Thank god you snapped out of that lousy mood. We were all starting to get bored. With Mr. Hyde stuffed back in the Prozac bottle, you’re in a fabulous mood to start your Holiday Binging. Oops. Looks like there are more problems on the homefront. Remember that fight you had with your mom/dad/spouse/cousin/milk man/cable guy/domme? Yeah, you forgot all about that, didn’t you? Well, they didn’t. Start buying flowers because people are ready to kick your flakey ass to the curb. Despite your impulse to share your manic thoughts (which is going to be hard, since it’s your moon causing so much indecisive blah-blah). You’d be better off listening right now.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Most of we Cancers slept through the last four days, and only part of that was the anti-Atkins coma. Mars is dragging its sweet ass out of our sign, which means we still feel like leaving the dishes for the cat to lick clean and feeling like blaming Bird Flu to use our last sick day. The good news is that Month Of Sloth is going to last only a few more days and we’ll get this strange, unusual burst of motivation we haven’t seen since August. Maybe we’ll do the dishes and fix the cabinets ourselves, instead of guilt-tripping an ex-lover into doing it. Maybe we’ll finish writing our thank-you notes for our birthday presents. Whatever it is we finally get around to doing, it’s going to put us in a fabulous mood by week’s end and maybe we’ll throw a party! That would be a nice way to kick off the holidays.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Sister Mary doesn’t want you to panic, but the first part of this week is going to kinda suck. Not really suck. Things are going okay for you, but kinda lousy for everyone around you which (of course) you’re going to be inclined to take personally. You can’t do much about it, although buying lunch for a heart-broken girlfriend might tip the Karma jar in your favor. It’s not going to last long, so don’t go throwing yourself off any bridges in sympathy for your drama-queen friends. It looks like relationships are going to get miraculously healthier by Wednesday or something and you may get called to stick up for a mousy co-worker who got thrown under the bus for something someone else did. (You, maybe?) Keep an eye on it.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Hey, cheer up. Saturn: Planet of Suck is giving you a break this week and it looks like some fabulous new project that thrills, excites and scintillates your senses is going to get thrown in your lap during the first part of the week. Don’t go getting distracted when you start getting panicked phone calls from best friends and old lovers in the middle of the night. Learn the power of the off-button on your cell phone. Not that you’re going to listen to the flying monkeys. We all know you’re going to start freaking out when you remember that you don’t hold the controls to the Universe. Step back and let people make their own mistakes for awhile. How many times do you stubborn bastards have to get this reading? You don’t get anymore this week until you think about these things.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
You must work with a Virgo or something, because you’re also getting some super cool project to play with. Although for most Libras, it looks like more of a home project. Maybe you’re busy getting animated snowmen chained to your fire escape so the little shits two floors up don’t snag them again this year. And like Virgo and Leo, you’re also going to be stuck in some kind of drama pool that you didn’t create and you sure as hell don’t have anyway to drain it. Try some of that patience thing again. If you can’t do that, try some of that marijuana thing again. Something to keep you snoozing on the couch and out of the way. We know you want to help, but you’re in more danger of getting sucked down the drainpipe. Go work on your snowmen.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
So, the sun isn’t in your sign anymore. It happens every year, you nut. At least you still have Mercury in your corner, you can still manipulate people in your favor for the next couple of weeks. Hopefully, you haven’t spent the whole time calculating your move and got some work done for yourself—besides hacking into your partner’s Mastercard account to find out what you’re getting for Christmas. This week will be thoroughly productive for you and if you’ve had unwelcome drama over the past few months, you’ll finally throw up your hands and start meddling with something else. More good news for you—when Virgo, Libra and Leo thoroughly ignore Sister Mary’s advice, you’ll end up getting their super-cool projects when they end up in the psych ward.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Happy Birthday, by the way. Don’t drink too much--this week, anyway. You’re going to have too much work to do to mess with a hangover. Wait, forget what you just heard. Some kind of b.s. is going to drive you to the bar. Seriously, though. Try not to get too blasted although it’s going to be a very tempting course of action. Take deep breaths and try not to strangle any assholes this week. Most of the crap is going to resolve itself by Thursday. Give or take a day or two. Watch how many people you try to boss around. While it’s a lot more fun than handling your own garbage, you don’t have the time for it. Don’t look for accolades for your good behavior. First of all, you’re not that well behaved. Second, The Great Bastard in the sky is paying attention, but He’s the only one.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You know, you keep getting this same reading. It’s a good reading, the Blank Canvas, Life is What You Make It, You’re the Goddess of Your Universe or some crap like that. Why does this keep coming up? Is it because you’re not actually doing anything with your blank canvas? Changes are on the way for Capricorn this week, and it’s the beginning of blossoming or decay, depending on how you work it. Do something good with it because a disheveled Goat is a rancid sight. It’s a great week to watch some Lifetime re-runs and journal your feelings or some shit. Let some stuff go so you can have plenty of room to draw up new, more interesting drama.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Clearly, SOMEONE didn’t listen to their inner cricket…why are you chasing your tail-less ass? You’re not missing out on anything. Aquarius, you must accept the fact that you are indeed the coolest person you know and no where, anywhere else are people having more fun than you’re having. Whether clubbing, tripping, or watching midget wrestling on late-night cable, no one is having more fun than you are. Right now. The Flying Monkeys indicate that you’re going to fall into an uncharacteristic bout of the bitchies this week. Fortunately, it won’t last long. You’ll be friendly and attractive again by week’s end, and may even reunite with a long-lost college sweetheart who didn’t suck as much as you remembered! The holidays are good for that, and they’re only just beginning!
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Well, Intuitive One…you do realize the people asking you for help at the moment are perfectly capable of fixing their own broken lives, but would rather have you do it because they’re lazy rat-bastards? Whether you admit that you’re aware of this or not, try to get something out of it—even if it’s only free lunch. Your survival in the coming week is based solely on your attitude, so try extra hard not to bring out your old standby, “Why bother, we’re all dead in 2012, anyway…” Be careful not to snap at anyone, as you know you’re going to feel super bad about it, later. A necessary departure is coming up by week’s end. Maybe the free-loader is finally off the couch. You know you need to find a better place to find roommates than at the bus station.
Monday, November 19, 2007
SISTER MARY'S HOLIDAY WAREHOUSE!!!!
Mammy Superior delivers a stiff flogging if Gift Giving Season is mentioned even an hour before the turkey is carved, but Sister Mary wants to get a jump on all of your other astrologer nuns….
WELCOME TO SISTER MARY MANHATTAN’S HOLIDAY WAREHOUSE!!!
Perfect for all of your Christmas/Kwanzaa/Hanukah/Solstice needs…
The Full Chart:
Sister Mary Manhattan breaks down the sun/moon/rising and 12 houses to explain why you (or your favorite brat) is such a crazy bitch or bastard!
$40 (or two for $65)
The Cheap Bastard’s Chart:
For the weak of wallet: Sister Mary Manhattan will break down the sun/moon/rising sign...and leave you wanting more, of course. But it’s a start!
$15 (two for $25, but then you really are being cheap.)
The Douchebag Chart:
For the person you’d rather leave off your list all together, but your mom says you have to get them something. Based on carefully calculated zodiac alignment, Sister Mary will explain why this person is so douche-ish—in a funny, informative way that may help them stop being that way.
$10 (two for $15. If you have more than two douchebags in your life, the problem may not be them…)
The Severe Douchebag Chart:
For the person who ONLY deserves coal…explain to Sister Mary exactly what this Severe Douche did to earn the title, and Sister Mary will personally deliver the coal herself.
$FREE. (You provide the coal.)
WELCOME TO SISTER MARY MANHATTAN’S HOLIDAY WAREHOUSE!!!
Perfect for all of your Christmas/Kwanzaa/Hanukah/Solstice needs…
The Full Chart:
Sister Mary Manhattan breaks down the sun/moon/rising and 12 houses to explain why you (or your favorite brat) is such a crazy bitch or bastard!
$40 (or two for $65)
The Cheap Bastard’s Chart:
For the weak of wallet: Sister Mary Manhattan will break down the sun/moon/rising sign...and leave you wanting more, of course. But it’s a start!
$15 (two for $25, but then you really are being cheap.)
The Douchebag Chart:
For the person you’d rather leave off your list all together, but your mom says you have to get them something. Based on carefully calculated zodiac alignment, Sister Mary will explain why this person is so douche-ish—in a funny, informative way that may help them stop being that way.
$10 (two for $15. If you have more than two douchebags in your life, the problem may not be them…)
The Severe Douchebag Chart:
For the person who ONLY deserves coal…explain to Sister Mary exactly what this Severe Douche did to earn the title, and Sister Mary will personally deliver the coal herself.
$FREE. (You provide the coal.)
To purchase or for further information, drop Sister Mary an email at sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com
Welcome to the week of November 18-24!!! As the days get shorter, it leaves more time for cuddling your favorite alignment by the radiator…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
With your home planet finally going into blessed Retrograde…our Aries friends took the opportunity to listen, learn and let their s.o. or buddy or whoever get a word in for once. Their clammed-up position over the past few weeks finally gave way…but, now you’ve got to listen to them. Uh-oh, it looks as though Aries is going to disagree. Practice some of those yoga breaths (you did take a class once, if you recall!) and back away slowly. This one is not worth the battle. The good news is that this frustrating communication (so long as you pull the horns in) will provide the beginnings of better communication in the long run! Bite your lip and let the other person win. This time.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Not a bad beginning for Taurus this week, who is going to have a momentous break-through and solve the climate crisis or something. Maybe you’ll beat Paris Hilton in the founding of the Pachyderm AA group! Whatever it is you do to save the world this week, Taurus, don’t think it’s going to be easy. Inspiration is the easy part, as it turns out. And lots of obstacles are going to pop up like the teen-porn spam in your inbox. The main thing that’s going to screw you up this week will be hasty decisions. Hear that? No eloping, even if you’ve known the person for more than a week. Try super hard to listen to other people’s ideas. A couple of them might actually help you save the world. It’s tough going on your own.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Chaotic events of the past few weeks led to the rare—but not unheard of—Gemini retreat to the bedroom. While this is good for your own sanity, your unshowered body is gathering complaints from neighbors two floors up. Besides, your friends miss you because things are boring without Gemini. They may even disown you. Kind of a worst-case scenario, but why take the risk? Actually, relationship ruptures are pretty likely this week and should one happen, it was probably time and you knew it months ago. Fortunately, this room on your dance card leaves for many new lovers and friends far sexier than the old ones. So-and-so was getting a little doughy, anyway. You were just too nice to say anything. Intentionally.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Well, Mars is still kind of hanging around. The War Planet is in retrograde, which means it’s leaving—thank Goddess. So while we’re finally getting re-attuned to our peaceful, nurturing selves we missed so much, we’re also getting kind of lazy. Remember how we pumped the friggin’ elliptical every night at the gym to bust some of that crazy aggression out? We really can’t give into our sudden bouts of laziness in the season of Mashed Potatoes and Mommy’s pumpkin pie. A bit of depression may come along with the Mars retrograde, since we’re suddenly feeling less creative and less able to kick the asses of the other Cardinal signs. Remember that it’s okay to cry into our red wine, so long as we don’t drink the whole bottle. Try to have some kind of restraint.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Did last week ever improve? Even a little? The Flying Monkeys are saying that yes, indeed, you did stick up that pretty little chin and muscle through the b.s. Good kitty! Now, you promisepromisepromise not to drag last week’s ridiculousness into this one? Pretend the bad things never happened and Sister Mary promises that the Universe will follow suit. You can pout all you want but it’s only going to make us avoid you at the bar. Just be glad you’re not Gemini. Did you read their reading this week? They’re far worse off than you. In fact, go make some money. If you don’t have a job, go panhandle. It will distract you from your problems and then you can go buy something pretty. You like pretty, don’t you?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
What to say to you, Virgo? Ye who only reads this for avoiding bad news. This week, Virgo, you have the ability to do just that if you just shut up. The annoying situation you currently find yourself in is probably your own doing, but just as likely it’s from a series of chaotic events. You can’t stick your fat nose in it this time. If you do, you’re only going to make it worse. Dust off that rubix cube and distract yourself for twenty minutes while the other helmet-cases try to get out of it. The flying monkeys also think it’s a good time for you to lose the books you know you’ll never re-read, and ditch the beanbag chair. It smells and is keeping you from getting laid. There are other areas of your life that need ass-kicking, and guaranteed, they’re not the areas you’ve been focusing on for the last few weeks.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
With your home planet still where it belongs, with you—pretty Libra—you’ll find that this week, you’re still focusing on romance, friendships, romance, family relations, romance, sex, and romance. It’s cheap entertainment, anyway. Especially if you’ve managed to con the kitten you’re dating into paying. Be careful you’re not so into making the relationships work that you’re compromising yourself into a therapy session. Stand your ground. Don’t foresee devastating break-ups for most Libras this week (although it’s surely happening somewhere), so don’t be afraid to dig your little heels into the concrete. Unless you spent a lot of cash on those heels. Communication will be difficult for you this week. Mercury, communication planet, is still in Stupid Scorpio, which means conversations are going to be weird and stilted. Expect it and let it go.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Continue to hone your plans for world domination. We’re all still running in circles while the Communication Planet is still in your world of double-speak. Ha ha ha…says Scorpio. “I shall align the planets so that it shall ALWAYS be such!!!” Nice try, evil one. Even you are incapable of such a thing. The flying monkeys send a warning—lock up your possessions, your lovers and your kids. The Drama Train is coming your way and plans to knock you on your ass, first. The good news is that while it’s gonna SUCK…it’s also gonna move away the psychic clutter preventing you from getting your shit done. You’ll be glad once it’s over, so take deep breaths and drink heavily in the meantime.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
As you’re making your grand exit out of Weird Thinking Land (brought to you by eighteen months of Planet Jupiter…) keep a watchful eye on your belongings and cash in the coming days. Don’t get so drunk you leave your credit card with the bartender for a week. Watch how many morons borrow dough from you. You’re going to need to be a little more selfish in the coming weeks. Sister Mary has already explained the situation to the Hanukah Fairy, so you won’t come up short on presents this year. Santa, on the other hand, may require some bribery. The reason you need cash is because Planet Suck is bouncing on the great trampoline in the sky. While most of it’s on Virgo, you’re going to feel the ricochet and it’s not going to be pretty. Keep a nice cushion of cash on hand for your Taurus buddies to come bail you out of jail. Hope you’re currently on good terms with all of them.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Avoiding people was a smart move last week, as it kept you in a safe place while the rest of the world went to Hell. Now, since you’re in a position of such strength, now would be a good time to start gathering and garnering your ass-ets. Don’t start bugging your boss for a raise. It’s the holiday season for Christ’s sake! You’re not going to get anywhere with that. But you can start sucking up in a big way. Don’t go cheap on your office holiday presents—but don’t be too extravagant either. The coming New Year will continue to bring you an increase in power and prestige among those who know and love you—and even those who think you’re kind of a shit sometimes. It’s back to that friggin’ blank canvas thing you’ve been getting so much lately. You’re going to take from the world what you put into it, so don’t start out by whining over what you don’t have. You’ll only get whimpering back. Kinda would suck to start the year like that. Start out on top. If you like it that way.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
You nut. While you were off promoting or planning or hunting and executing, something was left undone at the homefront and you’re going to be sleeping on the couch for the next few nights. That’s okay. This wake-up call from your loved ones will bring you much needed clarity and you’ll stop taking your sweeties for granted. Now, you’re going to be required to pick up at least one stinky mess that you didn’t create. It’s your turn, so don’t avoid it. You, like Capricorn, have a blank slate coming in the New Year. Don’t fill it up with cocaine, fill it up with sunshine or some shit like that. Enjoy your holidays, but this time, you’re going to either have to pick up the tab on a few extra cabs or plan to be the designated driver a few times. Other people have picked up your drunk ass enough times.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Take a deep sip from the flask, Senor/ita Pisces. Your upcoming Holiday season will require such action. Expect a mess of emotion to come flying out with the gravy this Thanksgiving and you, again, will be required to be the friggin’ conduit of hope. “All is well!” Pisces will lie. But their extended families will be grateful for such a falsehood. Make sure to take time away from the madness so your blood boils only minimally. Hate to tell you this, but the Great Bastard in the Sky is providing you with another test of patience. Of course, that’s the grand scheme out of all holidays, but this one will prove particularly poignant in taking care of such things. Be the shoulder to cry on and the box that provides the Kleenex. It will come back to you, 69-fold. Sister Mary promises.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
A Conversation with a Scorpio...
Below please find a recent conversation between Sister Mary Manhattan and a Scorpio Male:
Scorpio: Wanna hear something insane? I’ve recently thought about becoming an RN.
SMM: Hmmm….where did that come from?
Scorpio: I dreamt I was a doctor. Anyway, I’m slowly shaking that feeling.
SMM: Why shake it?
Scorpio: Because it’s sort of messed up. Imagine you’ve accidentally cut yourself badly, or you were in a serious but non-life threatening accident. And you go to the hospital, scared. And I’m your nurse. Would you trust me with a needle? Or a tongue depressor?
SMM: Are you talking me me, or the General Population Me?
Scorpio: Both
SMM:
General Population Me: yes. As a Scorpio, you come across as calm, collected, in control and knowing more than everyone else. Plus, Scorpios generally want well-being for the general world. They’d like to be in charge of it, though. And they’re usually quite good at it. While their tactics may make us nervous, the General Population trusts your authority. Me me: HELL NO. We have a sordid romantic past which ended with five years of icy silence. As friendly as we are now, I would enter the ER, see your face and panic, knowing your Scorpio tendency to wreak revenge over a deep-seated resentment is quite close to the surface and I wouldn’t let you near me with that f*cking needle.
Scorpio: “Oops, looks like I injected you with Morphine! Nighty night!”
Yes, children. As the days grow shorter and colder, so enters our most simultaneously loved and loathed sign, SCORPIO!
Many a Scorpio has accused Sister Mary of being unduly cruel and vicious to Scorpio in her readings. First of all, please remember that Sister Mary is cruel to all signs. Scorpio only thinks they’re getting the shaft because they’re bunch of paranoid loons, often too focused on what’s “going on with them” to remember that other signs exist.
Ah, well. We all have those tendencies.
Two of the great things Scorpio gave the planet include intensely hot sex and calm, cool revenge. Don’t scoff and think your sign invented the former. We have to give them credit for something and Scorpio’s sign does rule the genitals. And don’t pretend to be appalled by calm, cool revenge. If you had the cash to bribe Mammy Superior into cursing your most loathed ex with a nasty STD, you’d do it. Better yet, go bribe a Scorpio to do it. Your local Scorpio is guaranteed to have a secret library full of occult books and has already highlighted at least seven recipes to suit your needs.
Remember how you were warned not to forget Libra’s birthday? The same holds true for Scorpio. However, you’re not going to have the luck you had of being reminded consistently for a month prior to the date that it’s coming. In fact, they may resort as to burying all personal information with their birth date attached and enjoy watching you hound their relatives for a clue about it. They’ll pretend they don’t care, but very much want to have their five closest friends arrive (they keep their intimate numbers small) with wine and fancy delicacies to watch a highly intellectual film of some sort—probably something with a dirty, yet tasteful, flavor to it.
Mistake it not, your Scorpio likes to party. But they also like to get away from it all, and make it very clear who is on their short list of acceptable people to let into the house.
In the nature of things being meticulous, organized, focused and All About Scorpio…read the following list of instructions should you ever find a Scorpio in your social circle or household.
Things you should do around a Scorpio:
-Tell them they’re awesome, but not if it’s coming out of your ass. They’ll know. Scorpios come across as quite secure of themselves, but like reassurance, and don’t like to be lied to.
-Ask their advice. They like to help. Be prepared for rather cryptic advice that may only make sense on your next shroom trip. At least it’s in there.
-Tell them about your sexcapades. Even if you’re dating them, they’ll want to hear all about what you did before you met them. Give them every sexy, steamy, sticky detail.
-Bring them small, homemade gifts—particularly if it has a secret meaning only the two of you will know. It will create a glow in their beady little eyes.
-If you work with a Scorpio, partner with them. They’re planning to run the company first, then the world, and they’ll give you lots of money, land and servants if you help them achieve what they’re looking for. So long as it doesn’t conflict with their agenda, they will be consistently supportive of yours.
-Sleep with them. They go all night and they’re extremely attentive to what makes you happy. It strokes their ego to get you off, so everybody wins!!!
Things you should NEVER do to a Scorpio:
-Make them jealous. They’re already jealous. They’re naturally jealous creatures. They’ll plot your death.
-Touch their IPod. In fact, don’t touch any of their shit, but DEFINITELY not the IPod. Scorpios love technology, first of all, and probably went into debt getting a bootleg version of their current IPod, one yet to be released to the public. Second, their IPod has a meticulous arrangement of songs that suit each moment of the oncoming day and if you mess up 11:14 a.m. Coffee Break Interlude, it will throw them out of alignment/attunement. They’ll plot your death.
-Even REMOTELY allude to the possibility that you’ve ever, ever, EVER had sex that was even in the same universe as good as what you had with Scorpio. Even if that’s a lie, don’t tell them that. They’re very sensitive. Even though they say it’s okay, they’ll be quite sad and later, they’ll plot your death.
-Touch their significant other without their expressed, written consent. A handshake may require a visa. If you do such a thing, particularly if you sleep with their significant other without this expressed, written consent, the Scorpio may feign forgiveness and simulate understanding, but you can be assured that they will plot your death.
-Cheat on them without their expressed, written consent. They may very well deliver their consent—they get kinky that way. They may even want to select the person with whom you stray. Expect to be asked to deliver a full report with specific details. But if straying is a no-no with your Scorpio, or if you pick someone your Scorpio disapproves of, leave the continent. They will plot your death.
-Tell any Scorpio what Sister Mary is about to tell you: they are beautiful, sexy creatures with more depth and wisdom than most of the rest of us have. Their crazy minds are too big to fit on this tiny planet which is why the rest of us can’t figure them out worth a crap. If you tell any Scorpio what you’ve just read, Sister Mary will plot your death.
Happy birthday to Anasua, Larissa, Maggie, Margaret Dodge, Heather, Misha, Velocity, Oliver and Mr. Ross!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sister Mary does like you and some of you, very much so! Don’t tell anyone.
Welcome to the week of November 11-17!!! As the days get shorter, it leaves more time for cuddling your favorite alignment by the radiator…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
With your home planet still kicking it in Cancer—and the fact that this season has provided one randy debacle after another—Aries kids can be found curled up in front of the television with their shmoopy, if they’ve got one, or just their blankie, if they don’t. Aries, now is a good time to hide from the crazy world out there—especially since it’s cold now and you can’t go backless to the club. Why go out, if you can’t do that? Aries is going through a change right now, and if you got through puberty and you’re pretty sure the hot flashes are due to crappy steam heat, it’s probably some kind of personal thing your therapist has been trying to get you to grasp for at least three sessions now. My flying monkeys say this has something to do with the shmoopy currently drooling on your shoulder. Be nice to your friends and lovers if you’ve got ‘em. Some kind of disappointment may show up at the end of the week (making room for opportunity!!! Don’t get growly!!!), and you’ll need the loving hugs and cold beer provided by those who love you.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Now, with YOUR home planet safe in the arms of balanced and friendly Libra, things probably won’t suck for you this week in Romance land. Even if you’re not getting laid with all the hot kittens you’ve been pining for, you’ve finally come to accept this as your fate, particularly when you look around and see multitudes of couples attempting to gnaw each other’s eyes out. Frankly, it’s a better use of your time for you to be keeping an eye on things on the job. Your cube-mate is tracking your G-Chat hours. You may have to (crap…) try to get to work a little earlier, or better yet, sneak back in an 5:45, and catch the spying cube-mate wanking off to kiddie porn or something. Balance out the blackmail. Actually, if you catch your cube-mate looking at kiddie-porn, kill the bastard. Or get him fired, anyway. Your G-Crack hours will be forgiven and you’ll have a blissfully quiet cube all to yourself for awhile!
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Ick. Gemini is in the land of Suck where romance is concerned. Let’s hope it’s one of those “growing things” and won’t last long. But if you’ve felt recently that your partner’s entrance into a room brings a psychic prison door clang as well, maybe you need to take a little walk to the park and get some space. If you don’t have a honey, and you’re still stalking your married neighbor, maybe you need to take a break from that as well. Do you know what bad news usually portends in the Universal Book of Truth that Sucks? Bad news usually portends more bad news, and if you’re having problems at home, they’re going to double when it turns out that your upstairs neighbor passed away blissfully in his/her sleep last night. Unfortunately, that neighbor was also kind of senile and forgot they were doing the dishes when they went to bed. Running water, symbolic or actual, may cause your kitchen ceiling to fall through. Be nice to your partner, or on the flipside, don’t look suspicious to your neighbor’s spouse. In either case you’re probably going to need to call on them for help.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Yep, Mars is still here. Until the end of the calendar year, which means New Years is going to be awesome!!! We’ve been hiding away too much in the last few weeks, but damn. It’s really cold outside. Fortunately, we’ve brought out our cozy, comfy sweaters and have been burning scented candles to get rid of Sister Mary Queens’ cigar odor. Our homes are neat and tidy, which means we have no choice but to stop ignoring our personal lives. Instead of waiting for people to come and invite us out for beer and nachos, we may have to call them. This is doubly important and here’s why: we have a nasty disruption of our own, that may cause icky stomach discomfort. Hopefully, it was only Friday’s take-out. But if it’s not, we may have to team up with Gemini, who’s likely going to be on this crash course with us. Despite the chatter, they’re good in a crisis.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
You’re just not taking well to anything these days, are you? Sister Mary is wont to blame the Scorpio influence, but she’s ALWAYS blaming the Scorpio influence. Leo, who is so easily affected by the bullshit around them, needs to learn when to shut off the cell phone, close the chat window and turn off the television. Just getting evening news previews makes you start to plan how you could jump in a little plane and go pass out sacks of rice, and cry when you realize you’re down to half a box of Uncle Ben’s and aren’t getting paid until Thursday. Leo, you simply cannot take on the UN’s missions alone. Even if you give up your job and all your possessions and get yourself overseas, you’ll only be able to put a little bandaid on a much bigger problem. The same goes for the life of those around you! Little bandaids are helpful. Don’t forget to put them on the things in your own life as well.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Well….SOMEONE (Virgo…) didn’t take Sister Mary’s advice last week and is finding themselves running into that damn brick wall again. While it’s good that you’ve listened and tried to judge fairly, your head is getting in the way of your gut again and that’s why the brick wall looks like a yellow brick road. It’s not an acid flashback. They lied to you about those. Look around and find out if getting everyone to listen to you is really important. Do you need them to do what you say, or do you simply need a place to vent? Before you have a stroke or get a broken nose, talk to a trusted friend and let go of the things you can’t do anything about. Most things will improve on their own.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Yay, Libra! All this change has done fabulous things for your home and your appearance. You feel like a new person now that you’ve gone red, and think Cribs is retarded for not putting your apartment on the show. (Here’s a hint: they’re not into IKEA and potpourri. Get a naked chick to swim in your fish tank and maybe it’ll sell.) But, hey! You’re going to have another breakthrough this week! It turns out that the nails and the hair and the eco-friendly washer/dryer combo didn’t actually change the YOU part of you, and for that, we’re all grateful. Now, if you’re going after Buddhism to get those changes you desire, understand that it may take several lifetimes to reach enlightenment. Maybe take some Reiki courses—you can be a master in 3 weeks or something! But if you’re having trouble rushing enlightenment or your local Reiki instructor is out of town on a Raw Foods retreat for a bit, stay calm and don’t get icky. We love you as you are, and your hair does, by the way, look spectacular.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Sun in Scorpio, a new moon in Scorpio? Are you trying to kill us? It’s a complicated time for the rest of us, but Scorpios are reveling in their own cosmic energy, garnering strength and kicking ass all across the Cosmos. Now, for the frustrating news. The chaos your sign brings is making everyone else insane. Suddenly, you’re the recipient of sobbing phone calls, you’re breaking up fights (what? You???) at the bar. With power comes the responsibility of having to deal with other people’s garbage. Don’t get worried if you don’t know how to help those around you. Pay attention to what it is they’re not saying. Aren’t you supposed to be the psychic one? Go read one of those books on constructive communication and make a power-point presentation for all of your friends. They may not find it helpful, but any excuse to get people to bring liquor to your house is a good thing. Maybe everyone will get drunk and start screwing one another. Now, THAT, they’ll thank you for.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Not that you’d ever admit it…but you’re pretty damn upset about something. You got dumped, or dumped someone you kinda thought was cool, or your roommate got sent back to Bulgaria…whatever the case. You’re pretty sorry you had to see that someone go. We all know you’re upset, little Sag. You’re wasting your breath when you lie! While you’re drawing up that Craig’s list ad, understand that the immigration department gave you a gift when they deported your mail-order “bride.” Not only does it open the doors to meet new cool people, you’ve got even more cool stories to share at the Moth! Now, if these glorious new cool people don’t show up, or if you don’t get your name drawn, don’t be sad. It wasn’t meant to be. However, the flying monkeys are pleased to report that there is a new partnership on the way for Sag. Whether business or pleasure, be sure to get back to us with juicy details.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The death of Norman Mailer has affected many of us Capricorn, but you’re acting as though no one will ever publish a book again. True, the movement to the Pod and the Web means more stuff to read is electronic, but that doesn’t warrant cutting up your library card. Yet. Unless you’ve got a good line on Jesus (let me know if you do, he has my shoes), there’s no chance of bringing the old bastard back to life. And there will be other writers, and maybe one of them will live up to one of your merciless standards. Until that genius appears and pleases you, they say Rowling is coming out with a new series.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Congratulations! You win the sexiest sign award this week! Someone who blew you off awhile ago is back to kiss your ass, sweep you off your feet and carry you away to the backseat of the car. Now, be sure this person doesn’t just want what’s left of your checking account. The last time YOU checked, there wasn’t much to see, there. Actually, it looks as though this person has good things to share with you. Even if it’s not sex, they may have other presents for you. Or, they’ll take the place of your gassy-roommate who’s still not caught up on February’s rent. They’re here to help you and you’ll have a good time. Let this be a warning not to get distracted and run away with the circus when this friend comes to town. You won’t get a third chance.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Slowly coming back to earth brings the dry heaves and the bends. You’d much prefer to go curl up under the radiator with the cat and wait for the bad things to disappear. The truth is, Pisces, the bad things you ran away from simply aren’t there. The flying monkeys want you to know that there are delicious opportunities sitting outside and purring for you, but they’ll wander away if you don’t run out there and pick ‘em up. However, in these opportunities, it’s important not to bring the past of “Boy, that sucked,” or the ignorant “It’s going to be perfect!!!” along with you. Understand that there are parts of both in both and that you’re not alone in any of it. Take your time and enjoy the dance.
Scorpio: Wanna hear something insane? I’ve recently thought about becoming an RN.
SMM: Hmmm….where did that come from?
Scorpio: I dreamt I was a doctor. Anyway, I’m slowly shaking that feeling.
SMM: Why shake it?
Scorpio: Because it’s sort of messed up. Imagine you’ve accidentally cut yourself badly, or you were in a serious but non-life threatening accident. And you go to the hospital, scared. And I’m your nurse. Would you trust me with a needle? Or a tongue depressor?
SMM: Are you talking me me, or the General Population Me?
Scorpio: Both
SMM:
General Population Me: yes. As a Scorpio, you come across as calm, collected, in control and knowing more than everyone else. Plus, Scorpios generally want well-being for the general world. They’d like to be in charge of it, though. And they’re usually quite good at it. While their tactics may make us nervous, the General Population trusts your authority. Me me: HELL NO. We have a sordid romantic past which ended with five years of icy silence. As friendly as we are now, I would enter the ER, see your face and panic, knowing your Scorpio tendency to wreak revenge over a deep-seated resentment is quite close to the surface and I wouldn’t let you near me with that f*cking needle.
Scorpio: “Oops, looks like I injected you with Morphine! Nighty night!”
Yes, children. As the days grow shorter and colder, so enters our most simultaneously loved and loathed sign, SCORPIO!
Many a Scorpio has accused Sister Mary of being unduly cruel and vicious to Scorpio in her readings. First of all, please remember that Sister Mary is cruel to all signs. Scorpio only thinks they’re getting the shaft because they’re bunch of paranoid loons, often too focused on what’s “going on with them” to remember that other signs exist.
Ah, well. We all have those tendencies.
Two of the great things Scorpio gave the planet include intensely hot sex and calm, cool revenge. Don’t scoff and think your sign invented the former. We have to give them credit for something and Scorpio’s sign does rule the genitals. And don’t pretend to be appalled by calm, cool revenge. If you had the cash to bribe Mammy Superior into cursing your most loathed ex with a nasty STD, you’d do it. Better yet, go bribe a Scorpio to do it. Your local Scorpio is guaranteed to have a secret library full of occult books and has already highlighted at least seven recipes to suit your needs.
Remember how you were warned not to forget Libra’s birthday? The same holds true for Scorpio. However, you’re not going to have the luck you had of being reminded consistently for a month prior to the date that it’s coming. In fact, they may resort as to burying all personal information with their birth date attached and enjoy watching you hound their relatives for a clue about it. They’ll pretend they don’t care, but very much want to have their five closest friends arrive (they keep their intimate numbers small) with wine and fancy delicacies to watch a highly intellectual film of some sort—probably something with a dirty, yet tasteful, flavor to it.
Mistake it not, your Scorpio likes to party. But they also like to get away from it all, and make it very clear who is on their short list of acceptable people to let into the house.
In the nature of things being meticulous, organized, focused and All About Scorpio…read the following list of instructions should you ever find a Scorpio in your social circle or household.
Things you should do around a Scorpio:
-Tell them they’re awesome, but not if it’s coming out of your ass. They’ll know. Scorpios come across as quite secure of themselves, but like reassurance, and don’t like to be lied to.
-Ask their advice. They like to help. Be prepared for rather cryptic advice that may only make sense on your next shroom trip. At least it’s in there.
-Tell them about your sexcapades. Even if you’re dating them, they’ll want to hear all about what you did before you met them. Give them every sexy, steamy, sticky detail.
-Bring them small, homemade gifts—particularly if it has a secret meaning only the two of you will know. It will create a glow in their beady little eyes.
-If you work with a Scorpio, partner with them. They’re planning to run the company first, then the world, and they’ll give you lots of money, land and servants if you help them achieve what they’re looking for. So long as it doesn’t conflict with their agenda, they will be consistently supportive of yours.
-Sleep with them. They go all night and they’re extremely attentive to what makes you happy. It strokes their ego to get you off, so everybody wins!!!
Things you should NEVER do to a Scorpio:
-Make them jealous. They’re already jealous. They’re naturally jealous creatures. They’ll plot your death.
-Touch their IPod. In fact, don’t touch any of their shit, but DEFINITELY not the IPod. Scorpios love technology, first of all, and probably went into debt getting a bootleg version of their current IPod, one yet to be released to the public. Second, their IPod has a meticulous arrangement of songs that suit each moment of the oncoming day and if you mess up 11:14 a.m. Coffee Break Interlude, it will throw them out of alignment/attunement. They’ll plot your death.
-Even REMOTELY allude to the possibility that you’ve ever, ever, EVER had sex that was even in the same universe as good as what you had with Scorpio. Even if that’s a lie, don’t tell them that. They’re very sensitive. Even though they say it’s okay, they’ll be quite sad and later, they’ll plot your death.
-Touch their significant other without their expressed, written consent. A handshake may require a visa. If you do such a thing, particularly if you sleep with their significant other without this expressed, written consent, the Scorpio may feign forgiveness and simulate understanding, but you can be assured that they will plot your death.
-Cheat on them without their expressed, written consent. They may very well deliver their consent—they get kinky that way. They may even want to select the person with whom you stray. Expect to be asked to deliver a full report with specific details. But if straying is a no-no with your Scorpio, or if you pick someone your Scorpio disapproves of, leave the continent. They will plot your death.
-Tell any Scorpio what Sister Mary is about to tell you: they are beautiful, sexy creatures with more depth and wisdom than most of the rest of us have. Their crazy minds are too big to fit on this tiny planet which is why the rest of us can’t figure them out worth a crap. If you tell any Scorpio what you’ve just read, Sister Mary will plot your death.
Happy birthday to Anasua, Larissa, Maggie, Margaret Dodge, Heather, Misha, Velocity, Oliver and Mr. Ross!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sister Mary does like you and some of you, very much so! Don’t tell anyone.
Welcome to the week of November 11-17!!! As the days get shorter, it leaves more time for cuddling your favorite alignment by the radiator…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
With your home planet still kicking it in Cancer—and the fact that this season has provided one randy debacle after another—Aries kids can be found curled up in front of the television with their shmoopy, if they’ve got one, or just their blankie, if they don’t. Aries, now is a good time to hide from the crazy world out there—especially since it’s cold now and you can’t go backless to the club. Why go out, if you can’t do that? Aries is going through a change right now, and if you got through puberty and you’re pretty sure the hot flashes are due to crappy steam heat, it’s probably some kind of personal thing your therapist has been trying to get you to grasp for at least three sessions now. My flying monkeys say this has something to do with the shmoopy currently drooling on your shoulder. Be nice to your friends and lovers if you’ve got ‘em. Some kind of disappointment may show up at the end of the week (making room for opportunity!!! Don’t get growly!!!), and you’ll need the loving hugs and cold beer provided by those who love you.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Now, with YOUR home planet safe in the arms of balanced and friendly Libra, things probably won’t suck for you this week in Romance land. Even if you’re not getting laid with all the hot kittens you’ve been pining for, you’ve finally come to accept this as your fate, particularly when you look around and see multitudes of couples attempting to gnaw each other’s eyes out. Frankly, it’s a better use of your time for you to be keeping an eye on things on the job. Your cube-mate is tracking your G-Chat hours. You may have to (crap…) try to get to work a little earlier, or better yet, sneak back in an 5:45, and catch the spying cube-mate wanking off to kiddie porn or something. Balance out the blackmail. Actually, if you catch your cube-mate looking at kiddie-porn, kill the bastard. Or get him fired, anyway. Your G-Crack hours will be forgiven and you’ll have a blissfully quiet cube all to yourself for awhile!
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Ick. Gemini is in the land of Suck where romance is concerned. Let’s hope it’s one of those “growing things” and won’t last long. But if you’ve felt recently that your partner’s entrance into a room brings a psychic prison door clang as well, maybe you need to take a little walk to the park and get some space. If you don’t have a honey, and you’re still stalking your married neighbor, maybe you need to take a break from that as well. Do you know what bad news usually portends in the Universal Book of Truth that Sucks? Bad news usually portends more bad news, and if you’re having problems at home, they’re going to double when it turns out that your upstairs neighbor passed away blissfully in his/her sleep last night. Unfortunately, that neighbor was also kind of senile and forgot they were doing the dishes when they went to bed. Running water, symbolic or actual, may cause your kitchen ceiling to fall through. Be nice to your partner, or on the flipside, don’t look suspicious to your neighbor’s spouse. In either case you’re probably going to need to call on them for help.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Yep, Mars is still here. Until the end of the calendar year, which means New Years is going to be awesome!!! We’ve been hiding away too much in the last few weeks, but damn. It’s really cold outside. Fortunately, we’ve brought out our cozy, comfy sweaters and have been burning scented candles to get rid of Sister Mary Queens’ cigar odor. Our homes are neat and tidy, which means we have no choice but to stop ignoring our personal lives. Instead of waiting for people to come and invite us out for beer and nachos, we may have to call them. This is doubly important and here’s why: we have a nasty disruption of our own, that may cause icky stomach discomfort. Hopefully, it was only Friday’s take-out. But if it’s not, we may have to team up with Gemini, who’s likely going to be on this crash course with us. Despite the chatter, they’re good in a crisis.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
You’re just not taking well to anything these days, are you? Sister Mary is wont to blame the Scorpio influence, but she’s ALWAYS blaming the Scorpio influence. Leo, who is so easily affected by the bullshit around them, needs to learn when to shut off the cell phone, close the chat window and turn off the television. Just getting evening news previews makes you start to plan how you could jump in a little plane and go pass out sacks of rice, and cry when you realize you’re down to half a box of Uncle Ben’s and aren’t getting paid until Thursday. Leo, you simply cannot take on the UN’s missions alone. Even if you give up your job and all your possessions and get yourself overseas, you’ll only be able to put a little bandaid on a much bigger problem. The same goes for the life of those around you! Little bandaids are helpful. Don’t forget to put them on the things in your own life as well.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Well….SOMEONE (Virgo…) didn’t take Sister Mary’s advice last week and is finding themselves running into that damn brick wall again. While it’s good that you’ve listened and tried to judge fairly, your head is getting in the way of your gut again and that’s why the brick wall looks like a yellow brick road. It’s not an acid flashback. They lied to you about those. Look around and find out if getting everyone to listen to you is really important. Do you need them to do what you say, or do you simply need a place to vent? Before you have a stroke or get a broken nose, talk to a trusted friend and let go of the things you can’t do anything about. Most things will improve on their own.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Yay, Libra! All this change has done fabulous things for your home and your appearance. You feel like a new person now that you’ve gone red, and think Cribs is retarded for not putting your apartment on the show. (Here’s a hint: they’re not into IKEA and potpourri. Get a naked chick to swim in your fish tank and maybe it’ll sell.) But, hey! You’re going to have another breakthrough this week! It turns out that the nails and the hair and the eco-friendly washer/dryer combo didn’t actually change the YOU part of you, and for that, we’re all grateful. Now, if you’re going after Buddhism to get those changes you desire, understand that it may take several lifetimes to reach enlightenment. Maybe take some Reiki courses—you can be a master in 3 weeks or something! But if you’re having trouble rushing enlightenment or your local Reiki instructor is out of town on a Raw Foods retreat for a bit, stay calm and don’t get icky. We love you as you are, and your hair does, by the way, look spectacular.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Sun in Scorpio, a new moon in Scorpio? Are you trying to kill us? It’s a complicated time for the rest of us, but Scorpios are reveling in their own cosmic energy, garnering strength and kicking ass all across the Cosmos. Now, for the frustrating news. The chaos your sign brings is making everyone else insane. Suddenly, you’re the recipient of sobbing phone calls, you’re breaking up fights (what? You???) at the bar. With power comes the responsibility of having to deal with other people’s garbage. Don’t get worried if you don’t know how to help those around you. Pay attention to what it is they’re not saying. Aren’t you supposed to be the psychic one? Go read one of those books on constructive communication and make a power-point presentation for all of your friends. They may not find it helpful, but any excuse to get people to bring liquor to your house is a good thing. Maybe everyone will get drunk and start screwing one another. Now, THAT, they’ll thank you for.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Not that you’d ever admit it…but you’re pretty damn upset about something. You got dumped, or dumped someone you kinda thought was cool, or your roommate got sent back to Bulgaria…whatever the case. You’re pretty sorry you had to see that someone go. We all know you’re upset, little Sag. You’re wasting your breath when you lie! While you’re drawing up that Craig’s list ad, understand that the immigration department gave you a gift when they deported your mail-order “bride.” Not only does it open the doors to meet new cool people, you’ve got even more cool stories to share at the Moth! Now, if these glorious new cool people don’t show up, or if you don’t get your name drawn, don’t be sad. It wasn’t meant to be. However, the flying monkeys are pleased to report that there is a new partnership on the way for Sag. Whether business or pleasure, be sure to get back to us with juicy details.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The death of Norman Mailer has affected many of us Capricorn, but you’re acting as though no one will ever publish a book again. True, the movement to the Pod and the Web means more stuff to read is electronic, but that doesn’t warrant cutting up your library card. Yet. Unless you’ve got a good line on Jesus (let me know if you do, he has my shoes), there’s no chance of bringing the old bastard back to life. And there will be other writers, and maybe one of them will live up to one of your merciless standards. Until that genius appears and pleases you, they say Rowling is coming out with a new series.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Congratulations! You win the sexiest sign award this week! Someone who blew you off awhile ago is back to kiss your ass, sweep you off your feet and carry you away to the backseat of the car. Now, be sure this person doesn’t just want what’s left of your checking account. The last time YOU checked, there wasn’t much to see, there. Actually, it looks as though this person has good things to share with you. Even if it’s not sex, they may have other presents for you. Or, they’ll take the place of your gassy-roommate who’s still not caught up on February’s rent. They’re here to help you and you’ll have a good time. Let this be a warning not to get distracted and run away with the circus when this friend comes to town. You won’t get a third chance.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Slowly coming back to earth brings the dry heaves and the bends. You’d much prefer to go curl up under the radiator with the cat and wait for the bad things to disappear. The truth is, Pisces, the bad things you ran away from simply aren’t there. The flying monkeys want you to know that there are delicious opportunities sitting outside and purring for you, but they’ll wander away if you don’t run out there and pick ‘em up. However, in these opportunities, it’s important not to bring the past of “Boy, that sucked,” or the ignorant “It’s going to be perfect!!!” along with you. Understand that there are parts of both in both and that you’re not alone in any of it. Take your time and enjoy the dance.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
And...we're back!!!!
Ah, the retrograde has passed at last…so if you’re still finding yourself returning phone calls without promptness, rolling into work disheveled and hungover, crashing computers with illegal downloads and copious pornography—the only heavenly body you can blame is your own. The gloriously sinister Scorpio moon is a great time for garnering power. The Libra moon will keep you in balance, however, so that you don’t end up turning yourself into a great Lord/Lady of Destruction. While you’re twitching your mustaches over this one, don’t forget to make your weekend plans!!!
The Ass-tro Hour with Sister Mary Manhattan
Sat 11.10 @ 9PM Stain Bar
(766 Grand Street, Brooklyn. Take the L to Grand—walk one block west)
$FREE
www.stainbar.com
This month: the Scorpio Birthday Party! You don't have to be a Scorpio to show up, but if you are a Scorpio, you DEFINITELY should because you'll get all the attention you crave, plus there will be a cake! Special guests Jennifer Glick will read Cosmo's Bedside Astrology Guide and Larissa Fuchs of Gemini and Scorpio will speak on the art of Scorpio seduction. Co-Hosted by Hymen: The Demon Puppet of Awesome.
Welcome to the week of November 4-10!!! Sister Mary missed you dreadfully…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Slow and steady wins the race, right? Yeah. Sure. Try to tell an Aries that. In fact, try and tell that to anyone who just finished running the New York marathon. Actually, don’t try and tell an Aries that. The steam will increase and blow their ears right off. Actually, Aries, you’ve had to put that annoying theory to the test this year and drum your fingers while watching the paint dry on your masterpiece. The good news is that the Great Bastard in the Sky will be supplying you with a special helper on this long-winded journey. Don’t do your Aries thing and fold up. This person or persons, no matter how “special” they may be, will supply some much needed inspiration to finish that goddamn project. You’ll probably need to buy these helpers dinner, so don’t spend too much money on bootleg DVDs this week.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Maybe it’s you who’s supplying Aries’s inspiration! It kind of looks as though they’re going to run off with it, so you’d better cash in on that dinner arrangement. Actually, whatever you’re stuck on has to do with your still analyzing why the July Cape Cod fling in June never called. It wasn’t Vegas or anything. You should have at least gotten an email, right? Taurus, you’re tailspinning in something that’s not important and it means your flashes of brilliance are coming through kinda dim and icky-smelling. Stop being cranky about things not going your way and go buy a new outfit. Get some kick-ass boots to go with it so you can appropriately kick some ass, which you’re going to have to do come week’s end. Be ready—in style.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Oh, you poor thing. Some kind of door had to be closed this week for Gemini. That’s right. You may have had to fire a dozen or so of your lovers which makes you sad, because they were so much fun in the sack—even if they turned out to be such randy skanks of human beings in the real world. That’s okay. You learned that one only needs three or four kind-hearted, sweet and loving bedmates and not a football team of flakey ones. Sister Mary sees in the cauldron some type of disruption toward the end of the week, so whether that’s a flat tire, a terrible cold, a terrible rash or simply a minor mental breakdown, this so-called moment of bad luck will give you the chance to survey what is lovely and delicious about your life and the opportunity to figure out ways to multiply that. Attempt to focus, You of the ADD Tendencies. Helpful bad luck doesn’t always come as often as we’d like.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
With Mars STILL in our realm, it’s safe to say that Cancerians STILL aren’t fully fit for human interaction. A more sane world would provide Cancerian Spas for times when the War Planet is taking a dump on our heads—a place for Cancerians to do mud masks, eat comfort foods and take things far too personally, far away from the rest of society. However, we don’t live in that sane world. Cancerians still have to get their crabby asses out the door and to the job. Like Gemini, we too are going to run across a helpful distraction. If we are in the car with the Gemini when the tire goes flat on the side of the spooky, scary freeway, we will need to take this moment to close our eyes and ears to the Gemini panic-chatter and go within to our happy place. Cultivate warm, fuzzy feelings from within and attempt to bring them closer to the surface. Once we get through the first streak of Helpful Bad Luck, we’re going to run across some Less Than Helpful Bad Luck which may just send us into a weeping coma if we’re not ready for it.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
The week will start out rather quiet for our frisky Leos, who are probably still nursing themselves back to sobriety after their Halloween festivities. It is safe to say that you, Leo, were definitely the sexiest cat in the place. But something happened at this party that made you want to return to your safe little place beneath the couch, but you’re being good and getting that upper lip as stiff as can be! This is a good time to ignore the want-to-be-helpful-but-kinda-make-it-worse people who will pepper you with unwanted advice. Instead, take a few words from the guy asking for cash in a paper cup on the sidewalk. He’s the one who has all the answers. The unlikely piece of wisdom you find may bring you to sniffles and tears, but you needed to get it out anyway. No sense turning mildewy on the inside.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Oh, goody! Not only is Virgo wading through the frustrations inherit when Saturn comes to play, but now Venus is making a visit as well! This doesn’t (necessarily) mean, Virgo, that you’re going to get dumped or stood up or matched with someone lame at a Speed Dating meet-up. It does mean, however, that your chronic analyzing will be turned to matters of the heart. When the little cartoon hearts are suddenly nowhere to be found, it’s a good time to sit and look into that magic mirror (Mammy Superior has one. I can arrange for you to borrow it, if you want.) and concoct the perfect person to ride up on horseback. Ignore for a second that you probably live in a place where horses aren’t around, that you don’t quite believe in magic mirrors and that Mammy Superior scares you. You, Virgo, are taking the beauty out of your reading by analyzing it too much. Just try the magic mirror—even if it’s only the one in your head. Someone unbelievably sexy will look back at you.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Well, the moon being in your sign this week is good for the majority of people—we’re going to pick up on your naturally sympathetic, let-it-go, shop until you drop the blues mentality. It’s not great for you, however, because you’re going to take even longer than usual deciding between pumpkin spice and eggnog lattes. Yeah, your moon is going to provide some rancid indecision. But, as it seems to be the theme through the cosmos this week, you’re also going to experience a breakthrough which will help you decide on at least one of the issues at present. Then, of course, you’re going to freak out and wonder if the tattoo can be removed or changed. Maybe you shouldn’t have put your lover’s initials on your forehead? Maybe somewhere more discreet? Take some time to be alone with your tattoo (this is symbolic for “decision”) and accept that it’s been made and can’t be changed. Chances are you’re going to grow to love your lover even more than the weird tattoo on your forehead. You can always grow bangs.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Whether you’ve been characteristically hiding from the celebrations surrounding your birth, or whether you’re actually allowing yourself to enjoy them this year, you are wise to keep your eye on the barfly chatting up your boy/girlfriend. Your sign makes everyone feel more powerful and sexier. Of course, you’re Scorpio and knew this was coming long before. Sucks to be psychic, doesn’t it? Cancerians understand. Some people might call us all paranoid, but we all know better. Anyway, watch out for dropped calls and miscommunications. You’re still getting the Karmic backlash for allowing Mercury to Retrograde through your sign. You can say it’s not your fault, but you’re going to be blamed for it, anyway. Careful who you get pissed at in the coming days. More people are likely to delete your from their Facebook, as your sign also brings the tendency to mistake friends for douchebags.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Ah, endings endings are no fun. Endings, endings, drink some rum. This time, you’re too tired from the drama to even give the situation another try. It’s a quality many a Taurus, Capricorn and (eek) Cancerian could learn from—we who never let anything go. It’s a good time to go manic and clean out the stacks of moldy dirty mags—some so dirty even Sister Mary isn’t allowed to mention them. Fortunately, your last few weeks with Jupiter in your sector is keeping you mindful of that super-annoying “big picture.” That’ll help you through this particular ending, but may make you come across as an aloof asshole. It’s not true, but other people might get pissy with you for it. Your next phase (don’t ask me when it starts. My flying monkeys are taking a wee.) is going to be whatever you want it to be. Which is deftly cool. Make sure you fill that void with something delicious.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The Scorpio time is a confusing one for our pragmatic, down to earth Goat friends. People are acting all shady, feels as though everyone is talking in riddles. You are not alone in your frustration. Some of us like the chaos. Capricorn doesn’t. But the world (this time) isn’t gearing up to make you miserable. The Universe is giving you a blank slate to keep you quiet for a little while. Use it to draw something pretty and make this time into something fabulous. Unfortunately, this mumbo-jumbo Scorpio time is going to make some kind of communication confusing on the home front. Be sure to use extra-small words with your partner. However, even in the midst of plate-throwing and rolling-pin injuries, some kind of clarity is going to come through. Yay! You get your own breakthrough to take home with you! Use it wisely and do NOT allow it to seed more drama. Watch a soap, if you need distraction that badly.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
This is not like you, Aquarius. Must be the Scorpio influence. Now YOU’RE not getting over something that should have been gotten over, like, an eon or two ago. Now, your drastic action is to run away run away run away. This is a very bad idea. You’ll hurt someone’s feelings and even though you’ll forget it ever happened, they’re not likely to forget and won’t want to play with you when you call them next month to see what’s up. The next word from the cauldron (well, wordS) says DON’T BE HASTY YOU CRAZY NUT. It only looks as though you’re getting a shorter reading this week. That’s because you only have one message.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Some kind of sadness and strife came to visit our fish friends this week. Pisces, whether it was you who left the cigarette burning while you took a nap or your neighbor…you’ve been wandering around picking up the pieces of what used to be your life. This happens often for Pisces, so you usually keep super-glue handy. Now, you get your very own breakthrough as well! That’s terribly exciting. Use it to move forward and change stuff up—don’t do your usual thing of sitting there and staring at this new jewel of knowledge and doing nothing about it. You’re going to have to be strong in the coming days as some knucklehead is going to crawl out the woodwork and screw with you during your vulnerable time. Kick ‘em in the nuts, if you have to. If you insist on being passive, at least give them the finger before you walk away. You heard it here first, Pisces.
The Ass-tro Hour with Sister Mary Manhattan
Sat 11.10 @ 9PM Stain Bar
(766 Grand Street, Brooklyn. Take the L to Grand—walk one block west)
$FREE
www.stainbar.com
This month: the Scorpio Birthday Party! You don't have to be a Scorpio to show up, but if you are a Scorpio, you DEFINITELY should because you'll get all the attention you crave, plus there will be a cake! Special guests Jennifer Glick will read Cosmo's Bedside Astrology Guide and Larissa Fuchs of Gemini and Scorpio will speak on the art of Scorpio seduction. Co-Hosted by Hymen: The Demon Puppet of Awesome.
Welcome to the week of November 4-10!!! Sister Mary missed you dreadfully…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Slow and steady wins the race, right? Yeah. Sure. Try to tell an Aries that. In fact, try and tell that to anyone who just finished running the New York marathon. Actually, don’t try and tell an Aries that. The steam will increase and blow their ears right off. Actually, Aries, you’ve had to put that annoying theory to the test this year and drum your fingers while watching the paint dry on your masterpiece. The good news is that the Great Bastard in the Sky will be supplying you with a special helper on this long-winded journey. Don’t do your Aries thing and fold up. This person or persons, no matter how “special” they may be, will supply some much needed inspiration to finish that goddamn project. You’ll probably need to buy these helpers dinner, so don’t spend too much money on bootleg DVDs this week.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Maybe it’s you who’s supplying Aries’s inspiration! It kind of looks as though they’re going to run off with it, so you’d better cash in on that dinner arrangement. Actually, whatever you’re stuck on has to do with your still analyzing why the July Cape Cod fling in June never called. It wasn’t Vegas or anything. You should have at least gotten an email, right? Taurus, you’re tailspinning in something that’s not important and it means your flashes of brilliance are coming through kinda dim and icky-smelling. Stop being cranky about things not going your way and go buy a new outfit. Get some kick-ass boots to go with it so you can appropriately kick some ass, which you’re going to have to do come week’s end. Be ready—in style.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Oh, you poor thing. Some kind of door had to be closed this week for Gemini. That’s right. You may have had to fire a dozen or so of your lovers which makes you sad, because they were so much fun in the sack—even if they turned out to be such randy skanks of human beings in the real world. That’s okay. You learned that one only needs three or four kind-hearted, sweet and loving bedmates and not a football team of flakey ones. Sister Mary sees in the cauldron some type of disruption toward the end of the week, so whether that’s a flat tire, a terrible cold, a terrible rash or simply a minor mental breakdown, this so-called moment of bad luck will give you the chance to survey what is lovely and delicious about your life and the opportunity to figure out ways to multiply that. Attempt to focus, You of the ADD Tendencies. Helpful bad luck doesn’t always come as often as we’d like.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
With Mars STILL in our realm, it’s safe to say that Cancerians STILL aren’t fully fit for human interaction. A more sane world would provide Cancerian Spas for times when the War Planet is taking a dump on our heads—a place for Cancerians to do mud masks, eat comfort foods and take things far too personally, far away from the rest of society. However, we don’t live in that sane world. Cancerians still have to get their crabby asses out the door and to the job. Like Gemini, we too are going to run across a helpful distraction. If we are in the car with the Gemini when the tire goes flat on the side of the spooky, scary freeway, we will need to take this moment to close our eyes and ears to the Gemini panic-chatter and go within to our happy place. Cultivate warm, fuzzy feelings from within and attempt to bring them closer to the surface. Once we get through the first streak of Helpful Bad Luck, we’re going to run across some Less Than Helpful Bad Luck which may just send us into a weeping coma if we’re not ready for it.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
The week will start out rather quiet for our frisky Leos, who are probably still nursing themselves back to sobriety after their Halloween festivities. It is safe to say that you, Leo, were definitely the sexiest cat in the place. But something happened at this party that made you want to return to your safe little place beneath the couch, but you’re being good and getting that upper lip as stiff as can be! This is a good time to ignore the want-to-be-helpful-but-kinda-make-it-worse people who will pepper you with unwanted advice. Instead, take a few words from the guy asking for cash in a paper cup on the sidewalk. He’s the one who has all the answers. The unlikely piece of wisdom you find may bring you to sniffles and tears, but you needed to get it out anyway. No sense turning mildewy on the inside.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Oh, goody! Not only is Virgo wading through the frustrations inherit when Saturn comes to play, but now Venus is making a visit as well! This doesn’t (necessarily) mean, Virgo, that you’re going to get dumped or stood up or matched with someone lame at a Speed Dating meet-up. It does mean, however, that your chronic analyzing will be turned to matters of the heart. When the little cartoon hearts are suddenly nowhere to be found, it’s a good time to sit and look into that magic mirror (Mammy Superior has one. I can arrange for you to borrow it, if you want.) and concoct the perfect person to ride up on horseback. Ignore for a second that you probably live in a place where horses aren’t around, that you don’t quite believe in magic mirrors and that Mammy Superior scares you. You, Virgo, are taking the beauty out of your reading by analyzing it too much. Just try the magic mirror—even if it’s only the one in your head. Someone unbelievably sexy will look back at you.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Well, the moon being in your sign this week is good for the majority of people—we’re going to pick up on your naturally sympathetic, let-it-go, shop until you drop the blues mentality. It’s not great for you, however, because you’re going to take even longer than usual deciding between pumpkin spice and eggnog lattes. Yeah, your moon is going to provide some rancid indecision. But, as it seems to be the theme through the cosmos this week, you’re also going to experience a breakthrough which will help you decide on at least one of the issues at present. Then, of course, you’re going to freak out and wonder if the tattoo can be removed or changed. Maybe you shouldn’t have put your lover’s initials on your forehead? Maybe somewhere more discreet? Take some time to be alone with your tattoo (this is symbolic for “decision”) and accept that it’s been made and can’t be changed. Chances are you’re going to grow to love your lover even more than the weird tattoo on your forehead. You can always grow bangs.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Whether you’ve been characteristically hiding from the celebrations surrounding your birth, or whether you’re actually allowing yourself to enjoy them this year, you are wise to keep your eye on the barfly chatting up your boy/girlfriend. Your sign makes everyone feel more powerful and sexier. Of course, you’re Scorpio and knew this was coming long before. Sucks to be psychic, doesn’t it? Cancerians understand. Some people might call us all paranoid, but we all know better. Anyway, watch out for dropped calls and miscommunications. You’re still getting the Karmic backlash for allowing Mercury to Retrograde through your sign. You can say it’s not your fault, but you’re going to be blamed for it, anyway. Careful who you get pissed at in the coming days. More people are likely to delete your from their Facebook, as your sign also brings the tendency to mistake friends for douchebags.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Ah, endings endings are no fun. Endings, endings, drink some rum. This time, you’re too tired from the drama to even give the situation another try. It’s a quality many a Taurus, Capricorn and (eek) Cancerian could learn from—we who never let anything go. It’s a good time to go manic and clean out the stacks of moldy dirty mags—some so dirty even Sister Mary isn’t allowed to mention them. Fortunately, your last few weeks with Jupiter in your sector is keeping you mindful of that super-annoying “big picture.” That’ll help you through this particular ending, but may make you come across as an aloof asshole. It’s not true, but other people might get pissy with you for it. Your next phase (don’t ask me when it starts. My flying monkeys are taking a wee.) is going to be whatever you want it to be. Which is deftly cool. Make sure you fill that void with something delicious.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The Scorpio time is a confusing one for our pragmatic, down to earth Goat friends. People are acting all shady, feels as though everyone is talking in riddles. You are not alone in your frustration. Some of us like the chaos. Capricorn doesn’t. But the world (this time) isn’t gearing up to make you miserable. The Universe is giving you a blank slate to keep you quiet for a little while. Use it to draw something pretty and make this time into something fabulous. Unfortunately, this mumbo-jumbo Scorpio time is going to make some kind of communication confusing on the home front. Be sure to use extra-small words with your partner. However, even in the midst of plate-throwing and rolling-pin injuries, some kind of clarity is going to come through. Yay! You get your own breakthrough to take home with you! Use it wisely and do NOT allow it to seed more drama. Watch a soap, if you need distraction that badly.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
This is not like you, Aquarius. Must be the Scorpio influence. Now YOU’RE not getting over something that should have been gotten over, like, an eon or two ago. Now, your drastic action is to run away run away run away. This is a very bad idea. You’ll hurt someone’s feelings and even though you’ll forget it ever happened, they’re not likely to forget and won’t want to play with you when you call them next month to see what’s up. The next word from the cauldron (well, wordS) says DON’T BE HASTY YOU CRAZY NUT. It only looks as though you’re getting a shorter reading this week. That’s because you only have one message.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Some kind of sadness and strife came to visit our fish friends this week. Pisces, whether it was you who left the cigarette burning while you took a nap or your neighbor…you’ve been wandering around picking up the pieces of what used to be your life. This happens often for Pisces, so you usually keep super-glue handy. Now, you get your very own breakthrough as well! That’s terribly exciting. Use it to move forward and change stuff up—don’t do your usual thing of sitting there and staring at this new jewel of knowledge and doing nothing about it. You’re going to have to be strong in the coming days as some knucklehead is going to crawl out the woodwork and screw with you during your vulnerable time. Kick ‘em in the nuts, if you have to. If you insist on being passive, at least give them the finger before you walk away. You heard it here first, Pisces.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Ah, alas...
The journey to save the Irish from sobriety is over. While Sister Mary worships the holy detox tea to recouperate, she asks for your patience for the long delay.
Horrorscopes will be posted in the morning.
xoxo
SMM
Horrorscopes will be posted in the morning.
xoxo
SMM
Monday, October 22, 2007
Another Retrograde!!! Hold on!!!
Greetings, charming sinners!!!
Many thanks to all of you who donated to Sister Mary’s Prophetic Guinness Fund! If you’re feeling obscenely guilty that you did not contribute to this (sort of) worthy cause, it’s absolutely not too late! That little donate button to the right of this paragraph will allow you to do just that, and allow Sister Mary a little more cash on her voyage to Ireland!
Now, that being said….
Please take a deep breath and listen to the following announcement with the gracious qualities you know your sort of possess…
There will not be an AstrologyExplained posting on Sunday, October 28.
AstrologyExplained WILL return on Monday, November 5. A week and a day later. You will most certainly manage!!!
Keep reading, there is much more to tell…
Onward thrusting into the week of October 21-27!!! You’ll be glad you did…
As you’re probably already aware, Mercury is in Retrograde again. This explains why your computer keeps freezing and choking (it isn’t just the illegal software downloads), it explains why your phone keeps cutting out. (For some of you, anyway. A few caustic signs may actually be getting hung up on by other signs.) Mercury rules communication and electronics. Traffic will be worse, trains will get snarled, you’ll walk around thinking everyone is speaking ancient Greek. Even Sister Mary’s digital camera bit the dust a mere three days before her voyage—and it wasn’t only because Mammy Superior borrowed it for vampire tracking. Back up your work on your jump drives now. Take even more time to talk slowly and clearly to your significant other. Be sure to use little words with your boss. Now is not the time to let anything get confusing. This retrograde is in Scorpio, which means people are more likely to plot your death. Clarity is key, kids.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries, you’ve been very well behaved on Planet Dumbass so far. You’ve kept your mouth shut and watched the League of Morons run head first into everything hard. As the Chronic Oldest Sibling in the zodiac, you’ll often find yourself in the position of wanting to knock people’s heads together in Curly-Larry-Moe fashion. Again, your best Aries course of action is to take a deep breath and back away slowly from the situation. Please understand…Sister Mary wants to tell you to go bust some skulls as it seems their Karmic actions are screaming for it. However, the Flying Monkeys are saying that if you let your violent impulses go wild, you might end up in jail. That’s not something you want to deal with, so close to Halloween when Venus is back in town and people might want to nail you. Just sayin.’
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus did the un-characteristic thing last week of letting something in the past be just that. However, the other characters involved in that past incident (they know who they are) did something else to annoy our favorite Bulls. So, Taurus felt the need to bring it up again. Taurus, whether this past incident involved finding out that your lover cheated on you last week, last year or in a past life—you took the whole thing with a kind, patient Taurus smile. But then you caught this lover taking a bath with the slut next door—and using your raspberry soap without asking. Now, you’re ready to release the bull. An angry Taurus is a scary thing. The Flying Monkeys want to warn you that hasty decisions will cause deep regrets. Consider dropping a couple of people’s cell phones into the bath with them, instead of a live toaster. The former is funny. The latter, no matter how tempting, will get you in trouble.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Whatever partnership you’ve entered as of late—be it romance, business, or making peace with the crazy monkey that lives in your head—has somehow left you insecure. Since when did Gemini get so paranoid about being cheated on (don’t you like to share?) or fired (wouldn’t you love unemployment checks?) or going completely insane (you’re already there, sweetheart). It seems as though you’re going to be the ultimate cause of your own destruction by destroying whatever it is that scares you before it bites you in the ass. Please be sure the thing was actually going to bite you—as in, it was growling and the sweaty teeth were showing—before you go ruining a good thing. Let the partner know you’re pee in your pants scared. Vocalize these fears before they get the best of you. (Maybe leave out the pee part.)
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Well, Mars is still taking up space in our place and will be through the first week of December. The good news is that Mars makes us want to get shit done. The bad news is that we’re going to be cranky bitches the whole time, Mars being the planet of war. While our Hanukkah shopping may be done well before Thanksgiving this year, we might be inclined to break the noses of lard-ass Macy’s salespeople. We need to be prepared over the coming weeks that lots of things are not going to go our way, and try to remember that little burps and bumps in the road is merely the Great F*cker in the Sky trying to teach us something. And It better have a GOOD reason for it. We’ll probably want to do some more shell-hiding time, and that’s not a bad thing. Probably better for our mental health and that of those around us.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Slowly healing from the bumps and bruises of the summer, Leo is finally going to delete a couple of MySpace friends, maybe even delete the damn profile all together, give up dairy and refined sugar and start pilates again. Anything to take their mind off of whatever it was that made them hide in the bottom of a carton of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food. (Mmmmm…) Leo, people may be coming to you for money, time and attention this week. You probably owe it to some of them, particularly if any of these bastards were there for you during your time of need. Those that weren’t may be using you, as Leos become very generous when they’re vulnerable. Be sure to take note if you’re being taken for any stupid rides. That way, when you’re strong again, you can beat some ass.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Don’t know if you’ll think this is good news or not, Virgo, but even during your Saturn visitation, you can still get calls from other planets! This week, Venus is in Virgo which means our thoughtful little “virgins” will be turning their intellectual obsessions onto matters of the heart. Whether they’re feeling optimistic about love (hey, it could be the only thing going for Virgos during this nasty time) or picking apart what went wrong in the last one—again—Virgo, the key here is to not let your emotions drown you this week. If love stuff in your head requires conversation, have it and don’t nit-pick things until they fall apart. Your patience is about to get tried big time with either someone you’re involved with now, or someone from the past. Careful how you approach things, or be prepared to get slapped.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Last week, Libra went into a dark phase where they simply didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Libras do that from time to time and it freaks people out—as they’re supposed to be the friendly ones. This week, they’re coming out and delicately explaining using lots of Dr. Phil words why they got upset and what everyone in the world can do to change it. The Flying Monkeys indicate that this is actually quite good and may end up in you getting a bubble bath with a dozen roses floating in it—and maybe even a cold glass of ginger ale! It’s good someone will be doing the communication. Goddess knows this Mercury Retrograde in Scorpio is going to make the rest of us crazy.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Having Mercury in Retrograde through your home sign is bound to make your I-Pod crash. Sorry to be the one to tell you. The little electronic things you like to collect before the rest of the world catches on will be letting you down this week and it’s a sad, sad thing. However, this Retrograde provides plenty of opportunity for introspection. You’ll have plenty of time and energy to write your thesis on Reptilian Domination—only to burn it in the alley so “They” don’t find out about it. Yep, Scorpio. Retrograde aside, your social life is at a standstill this week, but you don’t mind hanging out in your cave for a few more days. You’ll be re-evaluating the people around you: who are your friends and who do you think you have to kill.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
The source of frustrations, as it turns out, is your own wicked self after all! What a relief. You thought it was all those crazy Virgos you had running around. Maybe it was the crazy pack of Virgos—but you were the one who let them in to mess around with your Playstation. Did we mention that Virgos are causing a lot of havoc for Sag in the coming months? They are. Along with Gemini and Pisces and Capricorn and well, probably the whole zodiac. Sag, in order to keep your mind and body remotely healthy, you’re going to need to quit about three of your favorite hobbies and try sleeping more than two hours a night. Hell, see if you can charm someone into letting you into the spa at night. They’ll be more than glad to have your “help.” Once you get some rest, you’ll be a much happier person all together.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn, it’s time to let the guard down and admit you were wrong. Lie if you have to. But it’s the only way to get yourself out of the predicament you’re currently in. Crazy Taurus lover backed you up against the wall—and it’s not a game this time? You should have taken the warning about dueling earth signs when you answered their Nerve personal. You’re going to run into an element of darkness in a partnership of some kind this week and please take Sister Mary’s advice: don’t try to be right this time. Of course you’re right. You’re Capricorn. You’re always right. But let this little battle go. It will soothe the course of the next phase of this relationship, and you can sneak out and be right next time.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Slow down, child. You’re giving most of the world a migraine. You’ve got big ideas, everything you want to do has enormously fabulous proportions, but you can’t rush the magic mushrooms. Trust Sister Mary. They will grow on their own good time. You’re going to have to take your hands off the person or project you’ve been working on for so long and let things happen on their own. Go outside and enjoy the benefits of Global Warming. Nice to have six month summers, huh? Eventually, you’ll be required to jump back in with a brilliant idea. The robots around you only have so much creative steam, and you’re the one who pumped them up in the first place. Enjoy your time off, and don’t break any limbs.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Ah! So it’s YOUR moon making us all loony this week. Deep, rich Pisces moon making you even more aware of other people’s neurotic tendencies. Don’t go around psychically collecting every crazy attribute of every wino you pass. Sure, it’s good the streets are clean and clear for everyone—but not if you end up twitching and rocking and not leaving your apartment for four days. Don’t forget that balance thing. That means, eating. Sleeping. Drinking water occasionally—not just gin. Honestly, you won’t be required to solve anyone’s problems this week for a change. Of course, being Pisces, you’re going to try to do that anyway. Understand that it’s going to be a drain on your resources and probably isn’t necessary. No need to enable. Most people would continue to do the crazy things anyway.
Many thanks to all of you who donated to Sister Mary’s Prophetic Guinness Fund! If you’re feeling obscenely guilty that you did not contribute to this (sort of) worthy cause, it’s absolutely not too late! That little donate button to the right of this paragraph will allow you to do just that, and allow Sister Mary a little more cash on her voyage to Ireland!
Now, that being said….
Please take a deep breath and listen to the following announcement with the gracious qualities you know your sort of possess…
There will not be an AstrologyExplained posting on Sunday, October 28.
AstrologyExplained WILL return on Monday, November 5. A week and a day later. You will most certainly manage!!!
Keep reading, there is much more to tell…
Onward thrusting into the week of October 21-27!!! You’ll be glad you did…
As you’re probably already aware, Mercury is in Retrograde again. This explains why your computer keeps freezing and choking (it isn’t just the illegal software downloads), it explains why your phone keeps cutting out. (For some of you, anyway. A few caustic signs may actually be getting hung up on by other signs.) Mercury rules communication and electronics. Traffic will be worse, trains will get snarled, you’ll walk around thinking everyone is speaking ancient Greek. Even Sister Mary’s digital camera bit the dust a mere three days before her voyage—and it wasn’t only because Mammy Superior borrowed it for vampire tracking. Back up your work on your jump drives now. Take even more time to talk slowly and clearly to your significant other. Be sure to use little words with your boss. Now is not the time to let anything get confusing. This retrograde is in Scorpio, which means people are more likely to plot your death. Clarity is key, kids.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries, you’ve been very well behaved on Planet Dumbass so far. You’ve kept your mouth shut and watched the League of Morons run head first into everything hard. As the Chronic Oldest Sibling in the zodiac, you’ll often find yourself in the position of wanting to knock people’s heads together in Curly-Larry-Moe fashion. Again, your best Aries course of action is to take a deep breath and back away slowly from the situation. Please understand…Sister Mary wants to tell you to go bust some skulls as it seems their Karmic actions are screaming for it. However, the Flying Monkeys are saying that if you let your violent impulses go wild, you might end up in jail. That’s not something you want to deal with, so close to Halloween when Venus is back in town and people might want to nail you. Just sayin.’
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus did the un-characteristic thing last week of letting something in the past be just that. However, the other characters involved in that past incident (they know who they are) did something else to annoy our favorite Bulls. So, Taurus felt the need to bring it up again. Taurus, whether this past incident involved finding out that your lover cheated on you last week, last year or in a past life—you took the whole thing with a kind, patient Taurus smile. But then you caught this lover taking a bath with the slut next door—and using your raspberry soap without asking. Now, you’re ready to release the bull. An angry Taurus is a scary thing. The Flying Monkeys want to warn you that hasty decisions will cause deep regrets. Consider dropping a couple of people’s cell phones into the bath with them, instead of a live toaster. The former is funny. The latter, no matter how tempting, will get you in trouble.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Whatever partnership you’ve entered as of late—be it romance, business, or making peace with the crazy monkey that lives in your head—has somehow left you insecure. Since when did Gemini get so paranoid about being cheated on (don’t you like to share?) or fired (wouldn’t you love unemployment checks?) or going completely insane (you’re already there, sweetheart). It seems as though you’re going to be the ultimate cause of your own destruction by destroying whatever it is that scares you before it bites you in the ass. Please be sure the thing was actually going to bite you—as in, it was growling and the sweaty teeth were showing—before you go ruining a good thing. Let the partner know you’re pee in your pants scared. Vocalize these fears before they get the best of you. (Maybe leave out the pee part.)
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Well, Mars is still taking up space in our place and will be through the first week of December. The good news is that Mars makes us want to get shit done. The bad news is that we’re going to be cranky bitches the whole time, Mars being the planet of war. While our Hanukkah shopping may be done well before Thanksgiving this year, we might be inclined to break the noses of lard-ass Macy’s salespeople. We need to be prepared over the coming weeks that lots of things are not going to go our way, and try to remember that little burps and bumps in the road is merely the Great F*cker in the Sky trying to teach us something. And It better have a GOOD reason for it. We’ll probably want to do some more shell-hiding time, and that’s not a bad thing. Probably better for our mental health and that of those around us.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Slowly healing from the bumps and bruises of the summer, Leo is finally going to delete a couple of MySpace friends, maybe even delete the damn profile all together, give up dairy and refined sugar and start pilates again. Anything to take their mind off of whatever it was that made them hide in the bottom of a carton of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food. (Mmmmm…) Leo, people may be coming to you for money, time and attention this week. You probably owe it to some of them, particularly if any of these bastards were there for you during your time of need. Those that weren’t may be using you, as Leos become very generous when they’re vulnerable. Be sure to take note if you’re being taken for any stupid rides. That way, when you’re strong again, you can beat some ass.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Don’t know if you’ll think this is good news or not, Virgo, but even during your Saturn visitation, you can still get calls from other planets! This week, Venus is in Virgo which means our thoughtful little “virgins” will be turning their intellectual obsessions onto matters of the heart. Whether they’re feeling optimistic about love (hey, it could be the only thing going for Virgos during this nasty time) or picking apart what went wrong in the last one—again—Virgo, the key here is to not let your emotions drown you this week. If love stuff in your head requires conversation, have it and don’t nit-pick things until they fall apart. Your patience is about to get tried big time with either someone you’re involved with now, or someone from the past. Careful how you approach things, or be prepared to get slapped.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Last week, Libra went into a dark phase where they simply didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Libras do that from time to time and it freaks people out—as they’re supposed to be the friendly ones. This week, they’re coming out and delicately explaining using lots of Dr. Phil words why they got upset and what everyone in the world can do to change it. The Flying Monkeys indicate that this is actually quite good and may end up in you getting a bubble bath with a dozen roses floating in it—and maybe even a cold glass of ginger ale! It’s good someone will be doing the communication. Goddess knows this Mercury Retrograde in Scorpio is going to make the rest of us crazy.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Having Mercury in Retrograde through your home sign is bound to make your I-Pod crash. Sorry to be the one to tell you. The little electronic things you like to collect before the rest of the world catches on will be letting you down this week and it’s a sad, sad thing. However, this Retrograde provides plenty of opportunity for introspection. You’ll have plenty of time and energy to write your thesis on Reptilian Domination—only to burn it in the alley so “They” don’t find out about it. Yep, Scorpio. Retrograde aside, your social life is at a standstill this week, but you don’t mind hanging out in your cave for a few more days. You’ll be re-evaluating the people around you: who are your friends and who do you think you have to kill.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
The source of frustrations, as it turns out, is your own wicked self after all! What a relief. You thought it was all those crazy Virgos you had running around. Maybe it was the crazy pack of Virgos—but you were the one who let them in to mess around with your Playstation. Did we mention that Virgos are causing a lot of havoc for Sag in the coming months? They are. Along with Gemini and Pisces and Capricorn and well, probably the whole zodiac. Sag, in order to keep your mind and body remotely healthy, you’re going to need to quit about three of your favorite hobbies and try sleeping more than two hours a night. Hell, see if you can charm someone into letting you into the spa at night. They’ll be more than glad to have your “help.” Once you get some rest, you’ll be a much happier person all together.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn, it’s time to let the guard down and admit you were wrong. Lie if you have to. But it’s the only way to get yourself out of the predicament you’re currently in. Crazy Taurus lover backed you up against the wall—and it’s not a game this time? You should have taken the warning about dueling earth signs when you answered their Nerve personal. You’re going to run into an element of darkness in a partnership of some kind this week and please take Sister Mary’s advice: don’t try to be right this time. Of course you’re right. You’re Capricorn. You’re always right. But let this little battle go. It will soothe the course of the next phase of this relationship, and you can sneak out and be right next time.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Slow down, child. You’re giving most of the world a migraine. You’ve got big ideas, everything you want to do has enormously fabulous proportions, but you can’t rush the magic mushrooms. Trust Sister Mary. They will grow on their own good time. You’re going to have to take your hands off the person or project you’ve been working on for so long and let things happen on their own. Go outside and enjoy the benefits of Global Warming. Nice to have six month summers, huh? Eventually, you’ll be required to jump back in with a brilliant idea. The robots around you only have so much creative steam, and you’re the one who pumped them up in the first place. Enjoy your time off, and don’t break any limbs.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Ah! So it’s YOUR moon making us all loony this week. Deep, rich Pisces moon making you even more aware of other people’s neurotic tendencies. Don’t go around psychically collecting every crazy attribute of every wino you pass. Sure, it’s good the streets are clean and clear for everyone—but not if you end up twitching and rocking and not leaving your apartment for four days. Don’t forget that balance thing. That means, eating. Sleeping. Drinking water occasionally—not just gin. Honestly, you won’t be required to solve anyone’s problems this week for a change. Of course, being Pisces, you’re going to try to do that anyway. Understand that it’s going to be a drain on your resources and probably isn’t necessary. No need to enable. Most people would continue to do the crazy things anyway.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Contribute to the Sister Mary Guiness Fund!!!
Listen well to Sister Mary, sinners!!! In just over a week, she will be embarking on a vision quest to Ireland!!! That’s correct! And she needs YOUR help!
On the right side of the screen, you will notice a bright yellow button that says DONATE. Do you see it? No? Here’s another one:
Every donation goes directly to Sister Mary’s Prophetic Guinness fund! The more she drinks, the more wizdumb she shall provide. It’s truly an investment in your future—plus, think of all she does for you! $1 will guarantee you points in the Karma jar. $5 will guarantee you BONUS points in the Karma jar!!! And remember, $1000 guarantees you access to the Great Swingers Club in the Sky!!!
Seriously, folks. The Convent of Sensual Salvation knows you’re broke and feels your awful pain. But considering that Astrology Explained is the closest thing most of you get to Sunday worship service of any kind, cough up a buck. SMM is soooooo worth it!!! Be glad she doesn’t tithe!
Welcome to the week of October 14-20! Look to the skies…cover your Holy Heads!
Aries (March 21-April 19)
On a cosmic level, Aries, you seem to be the only one who is directly being left alone. This means, you’re going to be called upon to help a lot of people out of jams. Best friends calling about douche-bag lovers, parents calling about douche-bag siblings. As the Natural Older Sibling of the zodiac, you’re going to have to take a deep breath and have patience with the chaos around you. Listen to people blah-blah-blah, instead of chucking the cell phone into the toilet when they won’t listen to you. Your advice isn’t being sought after this week. Your ear, your money and your ability to feed the cat of the person suddenly arrested while on a trip upstate—that’s what will be required of you. If someone asks to borrow money—don’t expect it to be repaid. So, don’t give too much of it. That goes for your listening abilities and cat-sitting availability as well. Pull back when you’re being taken advantage of, or it will be YOU on the Great Cosmic Couch next week.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Couples counseling, friend-of-couples counseling, pet psychic services…Taurus, you’ve put a lot of time, energy and your oh-so-precious cash into making something work. Now, just when you’re going to start seeing the object of your affections turn into the emotionally honest, hard-working, Bull-pleasing robot you’ve dreamed of—smoke and sparks and immediate reversion back to the lazy, insensitive thing you should have fired months ago. This is as true for human relationships and jobs as it is for robots. Taurus, you tried really, really hard and true, it would be fair if the Universe took notice and rewarded you for it. But the true truth is that most of the time the Universe isn’t paying attention. And when the Universe is paying attention, It has a nasty sense of humor and likes to break the toys we worked so hard to put together. Wipe the radioactive dust from your hands and walk away. Something new will come along for you to duct-tape back together into your favorite Taurus fashion.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Either the drama of last week drained the last of your cash, or the Gemini Twins suffered catastrophic nervous breakdowns circa Friday. Either way, the only method for you to get extra time in the courtyard this next week is to bribe the guard with cigarettes or sexual favors—but frankly, it doesn’t look as though either are going to work for you. It’s not that you’re not the sexy pair of bitches you were last week—even in the straight jacket. Your time in lock down has been brought to you by the Gods of the Inner-Psycho, which you will need to appease with meditation, lavender tea and Live Journal to get that time off. It’s time for you to reflect upon why you’ve been on the roller coaster of self-destruction the past nine months. Don’t blame the Cosmos. This time, they’re only partially responsible. You’ll need to accept your reoccurring role in why you keep running into the brick wall of heartbreak and rehab and fix it before the all-powerful “they” add an extra life-sentence to your “rehabilitation.”
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
With Mars still putting Her dirty feet on the couch in our Cosmic living room, Cancerians everywhere are making lists and checking them twice of all the people who have pissed us off—from the bully Capricorn in Montessori school to the whiney Leo in last week’s staff meeting. We’re still brooding, but this week it may come to a head. It’s good practice to write a letter to that mean old Goat from back in the day. It’s bad practice to Google the person and actually send it to them. Likewise, it’s good practice to scream out your frustrations to the co-worker’s effigy. It’s bad practice to stick pins in the effigy—but if they’re too atrocious, it might be a better alternative than blowing up at them in the break room. First of all, you’ll keep your job. Second, Whiney Leo might go on an extended retreat to the Black Hills and never come back. That will make things easier. Fellow Cancerians, we must remember that most of our frustrations are in our fevered heads. The Wise Crab knows when to retreat into its shell. The Psycho Cancer knows this too, but goes and pinches the annoying thing anyway…thereby losing a claw. Project of the week: keep all limbs intact.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Financial and emotional turmoil may have subsided temporarily for our sexy felines, but Leos across the Universe are still limping from a drawn-out season of heartache and credit card debt. Leo, Sister Mary has been very patient with you for several months now. In fact, most of the Universe has been extremely patient with you. Now, we’re asking that you take a shower, brush your teeth and come out to play with us because your moping is making us sad. Okay, the truth is that your roommate called and notified said the neighbors are beginning to complain about the smell and the chorus of lamenting coming from your bedroom. It’s time to shake your gorgeous manes and join the world again. You’re really going to hate Sister Mary for this next piece of news…while the yuck may have subsided, it’s not over yet. One more bad moon on the rise before things stop sucking…WAIT!!! DON’T CRAWL BACK UNDER THE BED!!! You can either face the suck alone, which only made you more depressed last time, or you can come out with your friends and we can all face the suck together. The latter is a better option and this is a prophetic promise—some sweetie out there wants to buy you a beer. Take the beer.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
One Virgo said to Sister Mary this week: “Three Years of Suck? Man, I HATE astrology…” This particular Virgo, like all good Virgos, doesn’t believe in astrology. Unless the reading promises bad news. Then, the Virgo is all into it. Virgo, this is a typical doldrumsitic response that only propagates your misfortune. Putting new faith in astrology when Saturn, Planet of Suck arrives will not prevent crap from happening. You’re going to have to take this one piece of ick at a time. If you have Gemini friends, avoid them. They’ll be in the same padded cell as you, and you’ll be tempted to commiserate, but commiseration is only going to lead to feeling sorry for yourself and increasing your drinking problem. In between the hurdles, go lock yourself in your bedroom with a couple of old Radiohead c.d.s and do some contemplation. Really. What is the Universe trying to teach you? No one ever figures it out on the first go round, but it will give you a definite edge for the next lifetime…
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Congratulations on your hard work this year, Libra. You finally got everything exactly where and how you want it to be. Now, for the Great Upheaval fairy….oh, don’t whine. Actually, it looks as though you, Libra will be the one who tips your own scales and blows your own house down. It’s timely and it’s appropriate as you, Libra, don’t like being bored. However, don’t be surprised and upset if the overhaul isn’t easy, causes crankiness around you or exposes gangrene in the rafters. Do a lot of that deep breathing stuff, don’t freak out over little details. Only at the moments of deepest frustration do we become stronger and better adjusted. Also, remember WHO created the upheaval (you!). Remember why you wanted things to change. Embrace the rocky time and you’ll be a hell of a lot happier with the finished product.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Unlike Libra, things weren’t completely okay in the Scorpion sector this past week. The object of your affections didn’t find your blog dedicated solely to them romantic. Perhaps they found it creepy? Perhaps you’re being called a stalker? Maybe you didn’t get the promotion you wanted—it was given to some inept Aquarius??? Ooh…that one does hurt. The wise man says, Scorpio, “If you can’t be with the one you love…don’t go killing the one they’re with.” It is time, Scorpio, to appreciate the lovelies all around you and don’t go searching for more. At the same time, don’t go demanding more from what you have. That may scare off more things you’re wild about. Once you can look around with a true smile and bask in the wonderfulness that surrounds you on a daily basis, you’ll feel less of a need to go out and consume. Remember, the MAN wants you to consume. Embrace your rebel self and stop absorbing subliminal messages from corporate whores. You’re okay without excess. True story.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Oops! Sagittarius overheard something under the bathroom stall walls, or found a chat-transcript on you roommate’s computer—one that would make you rich if you wanted to blackmail. (By the way, did you even get permission to use the computer?) Nah, blackmail isn’t Sag’s style. But this new information, be it a secret of someone else, something you’ve learned about yourself or the location of Bin Laden, you really need to be careful with how you reveal this information. Is now even a good time to spill your guts? Will it help those around you, or send them to prison? Would having your roommate locked up give you the space you need to write your novel or leave you desperately lonely? If the information isn’t specifically helpful to anyone, you might want to keep your mouth shut—or leak in a way that’s productive. Don’t ask how it might be productive…we don’t provide answers here. Just inane warnings.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn, you did good, as they say. Something was bothering you and instead of pouting about it, you approached the person or situation and calmly explained your side of the story, using all those really annoying “I feel” statements instead of the more satisfying, “You Asshole…” statements. Good work. However, it was ineffective. This isn’t your fault. It’s the fault of the lazy douche bag who has no interest in changing his/her/it/their ways. Don’t waste your energy or your good manicure by trying to change the shape of a brick wall with your bare hands. Walk away. Don’t interrupt and don’t try to explain your side of things again. It didn’t work last time, and it’s not going to work this time and will leave you with painful, ragged cuticles. Wait for the Universe to act and sit back with your ice tea and watch it happen. Don’t say “Toldya so” too loudly, or the Kickback will hear and come after you, too. Giggle to yourself and walk away clean. ‘Tis the mark of the seasoned Capricorn.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Some kind of separation has occurred in the Aquarian realm. Of course, poor Aquarius didn’t notice a damn thing until they realized no one had answered their calls for more toilet paper in the upstairs john. Wow. Amazing how long you held out, Waterbearer! You may be confused as to why people aren’t calling or coming over to play anymore. It’s two-fold. One, it’s probably the Universe sucking all of your friends into wormholes. Don’t worry. They’ll get kicked out. Wiser for it. Two, you didn’t listen to Sister Mary when she told you to reach out to your mopey friends and cheer them up. Now, you’re going to have to work doubly hard to get them out of their hobbit holes for an evening. This is a good time for you, as you’re re-learning the rules here on Earth. You had a great trip through outerspace. Now come home.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
When we left our fishes last week, they had to crawl out to the rescue of a number of friends having nervous breakdowns. This left considerably less time for Pisces to finish their own nervous breakdown. Ah, well. It’s the way of the Cosmic Martyr. Pisces, whatever it is that you’re rebuilding will take a great deal of time and a lot of patience. You have the patience, but you don’t always have the ability to discern between “Slow to Grow” and “Total F*cking Failure.” You’re not failing this time. Continue to listen to the great Wino Prophets on the Subway. Delve deeper into your hallucinations. A reunion of sorts is on the way, whether it be with a old lover, a “new” lover (aka, someone you nailed in a past life) or the continued adventures of old psychopath boss who now needs you to clean up his/her mess. Remember, old glue takes time to re-adhere. That’s all the wizdumb you get this week.
On the right side of the screen, you will notice a bright yellow button that says DONATE. Do you see it? No? Here’s another one:
Every donation goes directly to Sister Mary’s Prophetic Guinness fund! The more she drinks, the more wizdumb she shall provide. It’s truly an investment in your future—plus, think of all she does for you! $1 will guarantee you points in the Karma jar. $5 will guarantee you BONUS points in the Karma jar!!! And remember, $1000 guarantees you access to the Great Swingers Club in the Sky!!!
Seriously, folks. The Convent of Sensual Salvation knows you’re broke and feels your awful pain. But considering that Astrology Explained is the closest thing most of you get to Sunday worship service of any kind, cough up a buck. SMM is soooooo worth it!!! Be glad she doesn’t tithe!
Welcome to the week of October 14-20! Look to the skies…cover your Holy Heads!
Aries (March 21-April 19)
On a cosmic level, Aries, you seem to be the only one who is directly being left alone. This means, you’re going to be called upon to help a lot of people out of jams. Best friends calling about douche-bag lovers, parents calling about douche-bag siblings. As the Natural Older Sibling of the zodiac, you’re going to have to take a deep breath and have patience with the chaos around you. Listen to people blah-blah-blah, instead of chucking the cell phone into the toilet when they won’t listen to you. Your advice isn’t being sought after this week. Your ear, your money and your ability to feed the cat of the person suddenly arrested while on a trip upstate—that’s what will be required of you. If someone asks to borrow money—don’t expect it to be repaid. So, don’t give too much of it. That goes for your listening abilities and cat-sitting availability as well. Pull back when you’re being taken advantage of, or it will be YOU on the Great Cosmic Couch next week.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Couples counseling, friend-of-couples counseling, pet psychic services…Taurus, you’ve put a lot of time, energy and your oh-so-precious cash into making something work. Now, just when you’re going to start seeing the object of your affections turn into the emotionally honest, hard-working, Bull-pleasing robot you’ve dreamed of—smoke and sparks and immediate reversion back to the lazy, insensitive thing you should have fired months ago. This is as true for human relationships and jobs as it is for robots. Taurus, you tried really, really hard and true, it would be fair if the Universe took notice and rewarded you for it. But the true truth is that most of the time the Universe isn’t paying attention. And when the Universe is paying attention, It has a nasty sense of humor and likes to break the toys we worked so hard to put together. Wipe the radioactive dust from your hands and walk away. Something new will come along for you to duct-tape back together into your favorite Taurus fashion.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Either the drama of last week drained the last of your cash, or the Gemini Twins suffered catastrophic nervous breakdowns circa Friday. Either way, the only method for you to get extra time in the courtyard this next week is to bribe the guard with cigarettes or sexual favors—but frankly, it doesn’t look as though either are going to work for you. It’s not that you’re not the sexy pair of bitches you were last week—even in the straight jacket. Your time in lock down has been brought to you by the Gods of the Inner-Psycho, which you will need to appease with meditation, lavender tea and Live Journal to get that time off. It’s time for you to reflect upon why you’ve been on the roller coaster of self-destruction the past nine months. Don’t blame the Cosmos. This time, they’re only partially responsible. You’ll need to accept your reoccurring role in why you keep running into the brick wall of heartbreak and rehab and fix it before the all-powerful “they” add an extra life-sentence to your “rehabilitation.”
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
With Mars still putting Her dirty feet on the couch in our Cosmic living room, Cancerians everywhere are making lists and checking them twice of all the people who have pissed us off—from the bully Capricorn in Montessori school to the whiney Leo in last week’s staff meeting. We’re still brooding, but this week it may come to a head. It’s good practice to write a letter to that mean old Goat from back in the day. It’s bad practice to Google the person and actually send it to them. Likewise, it’s good practice to scream out your frustrations to the co-worker’s effigy. It’s bad practice to stick pins in the effigy—but if they’re too atrocious, it might be a better alternative than blowing up at them in the break room. First of all, you’ll keep your job. Second, Whiney Leo might go on an extended retreat to the Black Hills and never come back. That will make things easier. Fellow Cancerians, we must remember that most of our frustrations are in our fevered heads. The Wise Crab knows when to retreat into its shell. The Psycho Cancer knows this too, but goes and pinches the annoying thing anyway…thereby losing a claw. Project of the week: keep all limbs intact.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Financial and emotional turmoil may have subsided temporarily for our sexy felines, but Leos across the Universe are still limping from a drawn-out season of heartache and credit card debt. Leo, Sister Mary has been very patient with you for several months now. In fact, most of the Universe has been extremely patient with you. Now, we’re asking that you take a shower, brush your teeth and come out to play with us because your moping is making us sad. Okay, the truth is that your roommate called and notified said the neighbors are beginning to complain about the smell and the chorus of lamenting coming from your bedroom. It’s time to shake your gorgeous manes and join the world again. You’re really going to hate Sister Mary for this next piece of news…while the yuck may have subsided, it’s not over yet. One more bad moon on the rise before things stop sucking…WAIT!!! DON’T CRAWL BACK UNDER THE BED!!! You can either face the suck alone, which only made you more depressed last time, or you can come out with your friends and we can all face the suck together. The latter is a better option and this is a prophetic promise—some sweetie out there wants to buy you a beer. Take the beer.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
One Virgo said to Sister Mary this week: “Three Years of Suck? Man, I HATE astrology…” This particular Virgo, like all good Virgos, doesn’t believe in astrology. Unless the reading promises bad news. Then, the Virgo is all into it. Virgo, this is a typical doldrumsitic response that only propagates your misfortune. Putting new faith in astrology when Saturn, Planet of Suck arrives will not prevent crap from happening. You’re going to have to take this one piece of ick at a time. If you have Gemini friends, avoid them. They’ll be in the same padded cell as you, and you’ll be tempted to commiserate, but commiseration is only going to lead to feeling sorry for yourself and increasing your drinking problem. In between the hurdles, go lock yourself in your bedroom with a couple of old Radiohead c.d.s and do some contemplation. Really. What is the Universe trying to teach you? No one ever figures it out on the first go round, but it will give you a definite edge for the next lifetime…
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Congratulations on your hard work this year, Libra. You finally got everything exactly where and how you want it to be. Now, for the Great Upheaval fairy….oh, don’t whine. Actually, it looks as though you, Libra will be the one who tips your own scales and blows your own house down. It’s timely and it’s appropriate as you, Libra, don’t like being bored. However, don’t be surprised and upset if the overhaul isn’t easy, causes crankiness around you or exposes gangrene in the rafters. Do a lot of that deep breathing stuff, don’t freak out over little details. Only at the moments of deepest frustration do we become stronger and better adjusted. Also, remember WHO created the upheaval (you!). Remember why you wanted things to change. Embrace the rocky time and you’ll be a hell of a lot happier with the finished product.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Unlike Libra, things weren’t completely okay in the Scorpion sector this past week. The object of your affections didn’t find your blog dedicated solely to them romantic. Perhaps they found it creepy? Perhaps you’re being called a stalker? Maybe you didn’t get the promotion you wanted—it was given to some inept Aquarius??? Ooh…that one does hurt. The wise man says, Scorpio, “If you can’t be with the one you love…don’t go killing the one they’re with.” It is time, Scorpio, to appreciate the lovelies all around you and don’t go searching for more. At the same time, don’t go demanding more from what you have. That may scare off more things you’re wild about. Once you can look around with a true smile and bask in the wonderfulness that surrounds you on a daily basis, you’ll feel less of a need to go out and consume. Remember, the MAN wants you to consume. Embrace your rebel self and stop absorbing subliminal messages from corporate whores. You’re okay without excess. True story.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Oops! Sagittarius overheard something under the bathroom stall walls, or found a chat-transcript on you roommate’s computer—one that would make you rich if you wanted to blackmail. (By the way, did you even get permission to use the computer?) Nah, blackmail isn’t Sag’s style. But this new information, be it a secret of someone else, something you’ve learned about yourself or the location of Bin Laden, you really need to be careful with how you reveal this information. Is now even a good time to spill your guts? Will it help those around you, or send them to prison? Would having your roommate locked up give you the space you need to write your novel or leave you desperately lonely? If the information isn’t specifically helpful to anyone, you might want to keep your mouth shut—or leak in a way that’s productive. Don’t ask how it might be productive…we don’t provide answers here. Just inane warnings.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn, you did good, as they say. Something was bothering you and instead of pouting about it, you approached the person or situation and calmly explained your side of the story, using all those really annoying “I feel” statements instead of the more satisfying, “You Asshole…” statements. Good work. However, it was ineffective. This isn’t your fault. It’s the fault of the lazy douche bag who has no interest in changing his/her/it/their ways. Don’t waste your energy or your good manicure by trying to change the shape of a brick wall with your bare hands. Walk away. Don’t interrupt and don’t try to explain your side of things again. It didn’t work last time, and it’s not going to work this time and will leave you with painful, ragged cuticles. Wait for the Universe to act and sit back with your ice tea and watch it happen. Don’t say “Toldya so” too loudly, or the Kickback will hear and come after you, too. Giggle to yourself and walk away clean. ‘Tis the mark of the seasoned Capricorn.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Some kind of separation has occurred in the Aquarian realm. Of course, poor Aquarius didn’t notice a damn thing until they realized no one had answered their calls for more toilet paper in the upstairs john. Wow. Amazing how long you held out, Waterbearer! You may be confused as to why people aren’t calling or coming over to play anymore. It’s two-fold. One, it’s probably the Universe sucking all of your friends into wormholes. Don’t worry. They’ll get kicked out. Wiser for it. Two, you didn’t listen to Sister Mary when she told you to reach out to your mopey friends and cheer them up. Now, you’re going to have to work doubly hard to get them out of their hobbit holes for an evening. This is a good time for you, as you’re re-learning the rules here on Earth. You had a great trip through outerspace. Now come home.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
When we left our fishes last week, they had to crawl out to the rescue of a number of friends having nervous breakdowns. This left considerably less time for Pisces to finish their own nervous breakdown. Ah, well. It’s the way of the Cosmic Martyr. Pisces, whatever it is that you’re rebuilding will take a great deal of time and a lot of patience. You have the patience, but you don’t always have the ability to discern between “Slow to Grow” and “Total F*cking Failure.” You’re not failing this time. Continue to listen to the great Wino Prophets on the Subway. Delve deeper into your hallucinations. A reunion of sorts is on the way, whether it be with a old lover, a “new” lover (aka, someone you nailed in a past life) or the continued adventures of old psychopath boss who now needs you to clean up his/her mess. Remember, old glue takes time to re-adhere. That’s all the wizdumb you get this week.
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