Friday, September 26, 2008

This week!!!!!

Oh, the masses are back and Sister Mary couldn’t be more pleased to see you! We hope you don’t mind that the Monday forecast has been switched to Wednesdays. This is to honor the oft-forgotten Hump Day, and also to give Sister Mary a bit more flexibility to attend Sunday evening Pilates classes, following the Mass. Her loins grow stronger by the day!

Now, you must have noticed that all things electronic and communicative wise are quickly going to shit. This is because Mercury has begun her oh-so-ungraceful waltz backwards through the Cosmos, through what is known as a Retrograde (or for clarity’s sake…Sucktrograde.). Be very, very careful over the coming weeks not to assume anything will get anywhere on its own. Emails will be lost, calls dropped, IPods mysteriously comatose. Never fear! It shall abate by Halloween. Meanwhile, read on to see what the mysterious Universe has in store for you!!!

Welcome to the week of September 24-30!!!

Aries (March 21-April 20)
Follow this advice: take the Holy lunch bag, crunch up at the top, bring to mouth. Inhale and exhale from bag, dramatically. Preferably at a family function or in 8:00 a.m. mandatory staff meeting. Not only will this get you the attention you’ve been sorely craving for the past three days, but it will alleviate the desire to throw chairs. Your already sordid relationships are strained to their maximum, and people are getting a teensy bit tired of you giving all the orders. Never mind that you are indeed better at things than most people. They need the Universal reminder by letting shit fall to pieces by not listening to you. Next week, people will be more inclined to do what you say. Now, just breathe into the bag. Very good.

Taurus (April 21-May 20)
Taurus doesn’t like change. In fact, Taurus thinks everything was just fine. Even if something wasn’t perfect, it should have changed on Taurus’s terms. Now that chaotic Pluto is doing some kind of shift up there, Taurus is mad. Pluto did not consult the Bulls, first. Now, here’s the good news. The roommate up and left (even if Taurus was not fond of the roommate—the roommate did make good coffee). This means Taurus has full use of the bedroom, now. No longer will they be kept awake by awkward noises from the other side of the room. Money will be tight without the extra rent check, but Taurus can now build a meditation area to soothe the worries from the new void. Taurus will grow to like it and probably develop a rash when the new person arrives. Maybe you ought to consider deleting the Craig’s List posting—until after Halloween, anyway.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The pull of shifting Pluto is making you reach for your scalp to pull out what’s left of your luscious locks. You weren’t ready for the summer play-time to end. Families and significant others needneedNEED YOU. Responsibility just doesn’t rhyme with fun. In fact, it doesn’t rhyme with anything. Oh, Gemini. You may actually have to roll up your sexy, gauzy sleeves and get in the muck of it for the next few weeks. If you’re in a relationship, expect that the feeling of smothered to return, briefly. Make sure it doesn’t involve strangulation. If it does involve being strangled, knee the person in the crotch and get the fuck out. If it does not involve the strangle, just politely ask for space. Of course your partner will get nervous, but they’ll try harder to please you in bed when they come back around. It all works out in the long run.

Cancer (June 21-July 20)
Cancers spent all summer cooking at the BBQs for everyone they know. Now, they’re paying for it in gym memberships and overdoses of Vitamin C. Cancers, everywhere—now is time to stop the frivolous spending of the summer and put away the ice cream. Okay, never mind the ice cream. But maybe try making your pizza instead of ordering it. We Cancerians need to take care of ourselves as most of us are probably hosting the whole fam again over the holidays. If we’re not doing the hosting, at the very least we’re making all the runs to the airports, or shelling all the crabs again for the imperials. Don’t be going sneezy into Aunt Flora’s Kwanzaa celebrations….yes, it’s early for Kwanzaa. But we Cancerians incubate awhile and don’t get over things…anythings…with speed or ease.

Leo (July 21-August 20)
You, Leo, need to stop letting the Cancerians wait on you and help Gemini rake the yard. Clean out your gutters, if you haven’t already. Your lazy summer days are over, but most Leos can still be found clinging to their comforters and whining, “Make it go away!!!” But before you do anything hasty just to make it go away, realize that you may cause a boomerang effect. What you toss aside now may likely creep back up onto your stoop at a time you’d least likely to see it return—like when you’re stumbling home from a show at 6 a.m., with a new hottie tucked in your arm. Stop ignoring arguments and make amends with even those you’d rather never see again. Trust Sister Mary, Pluto is going to have the Great Subway Blast effect, and blow everything right back in your face. Make sure it smells like roses!!!

Virgo (August 21-September 20)
Financial crisis? Romantic explosions? Terrifying new prospects in the nation’s leadership? Eh. Virgo shrugs. All run of the mill stuff of the sign squashed by Saturn for the past year. And they’ve still got a year to go, so don’t plan on whining about any of your issues to a Virgo. They will have it worse and won’t be afraid to (bluntly) tell you so. Yeah, Virgo, it’s another week of bad money, miscommunication and traffic jams in Virginland. Good luck to all you, keep your sacred flask handy. No nun will judge you for it. This just in from the cauldron…oops! More disruption. Oh, Virgo. Whatever form your crappy weekend takes, jumping from a bridge is the a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Saturn will eventually leave and start crapping on your Libra friends. Loosen the noose, you’re making us all nervous.

Libra (September 21-October 20)
Venus made a graceful bow in your sign last week, giving lots of love to one of her favorite kids (she likes you just as much as she likes Taurus), but her moving on left you with lots of deep insecurities. Again. Frankly, this is going to be the case for Libras over the next few months as Venus begins a new, two year journey. Relationships will mix and match and even swing, which is something Libra will not be into. Libra, the good news is that even through this change and these murky moments, Venus is giving you the opportunity to grow into an even better set of scales than before, even more accurate and flattering—at the same time! You’ll be much prettier than your Taurus friends when all is said and done.

Scorpio (October 21-November 20)
Comb the hair and done the lipstick, you’ve got to seduce everyone from the boss to the bodega owner. With Pluto making its move, it’s a good time to get you out of your cave and get you running to make yourself big and powerful. Seduce, seduce, seduce…that is your starting point. All other greatness comes from that. This is a great week to get your money in order, so you can buy your Cancerian friends and lovers more expensive gifts than the IOU’s you scribbled on cocktail napkins last year at Solstice. Just kidding. We’re not that bent out of shape about it.

Sagittarius (November 21-December 20)
Two words for you: QUIT and MOPING. Put them together and you’ll start to smile. Well, not really, but it’ll put you in a healthier frame of mind and maybe your girlfriend/boyfriend(s) will stop the broken record recording of ‘Honeywhat’swrong?Honeywhat’swrong?Honeywhat’swrong?’ These last couple of years have been taxing on Sagittarius—forcing them to think about the meaning of their lives and their place in the world. Thank goddess that’s almost over, so they can resume their comfortable, brainless position at the Wii.

Capricorn (December 21-January 20)
You can’t be the prettiest in the board room this week. Well, you can, but no one is going to notice because your place will be behind the Power point projector, not in its glowing amber light. This is the week for Capricorns to do the unappreciated, the icky and the unfun. It’s all part of the karmic balance, and you’ll be back around in no time with new fun stuff to do and glamour to show for it. Your hard work may end up getting you a raise (although even the grandest planetary bodies can’t fight this current economic debacle), which means you can buy more diamonds.

Aquarius (January 21-February 20)
If you have the ability (i.e., you didn’t spend all your money on comic books and your car actually works this week) to get out of town, now is the time to do it. You’re in danger of spontaneous combustion—moreso than usual! Actually, the Universe is demanding that you raise your perspective. So, seek higher ground, even if you can’t afford an airplane ticket. Even just a hike across the bridge will give you a better appreciation of the water. 

Pisces (February 21-March 20)
Pisces has been trying to get closer to something that simply seems impossibly far away. Whether or not Pisces is in a relationship, the object of their affection is just one step (or in some cases, many-many-many…) too far away. You may simply be meant to walk this part of your path alone, and that’s not such a bad thing. First of all, you won’t have a partner bugging you for cash. Two, you’ll learn a few things in your solitude that will make you far more attractive when the person finally pulls their head out of their ass and comes back to you. Give it a shot.

Monday, September 22, 2008

News News News.....

Hello all,

AstrologyExplained will now be published on Wednesdays instead of Mondays. Yes...this means you have to start your week off in darkness and morbid confusion. But it'll put a refreshing turn on the phrase "hump-day"!!!

xoxo
SMM

Monday, September 15, 2008

SISTER MARY HAS RETURNED!!!

Ah…Sister Mary has returned!

Yes, my darlings! Thank you SOOOO much for your patience during SMM’s sabbatical. She took that time to rest, recuperate and learn a bit more about the star patterns. The Great Bastard in the sky has a WILD autumn heading this way, so do keep up on your Prozac and Bourbon. Goddess knows both will be supremely necessary.


It’s the week of September15-21! Welcome to autumn!!!


Aries (March 21-April 19)
Schedule time with the couple’s therapist this week. Your reigning planet is standing directly across the table from lovely Venus—shaking a pissed off hoof in her fickle face. You may think you’re saying to your partner, “But Honey, you don’t look fat at all in that tube top…” but your partner is going to hear, “SWINE!!!!!” Yep. Not only is Venus totally NOT in your favor this week, the beginnings of the Mercury in Sucktrograde will make it nearly impossible to talk sense into anyone. Stock up on flowers and chocolates and try not to talk unless to alert someone of a fire.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Now, your pretty home planet of Venus is moving in with your friend Libra this week. That’s good news! Your Libra friends (however co-dependant and pushy…) are great with relationships. So, if you’ve had your eye on the cute little red-head you’ve known for a million years, now is a good time to take them out and say, “I like you. Let’s shag and then live in sin for awhile with the possibility of entering the time-honored and occasionally oppressive institute of marriage someday.” It’s a good week for love for Taurus. Don’t get stuffy and think these people need to come to you. Taurus, it’s time for you to get off your ass and go after the hottie. Sister Mary has spoken.


Gemini (May 21-June 20)
If you need to get anything taken care of verbally or contractually, do it before the 24th, Gemini. Anything you attempt to do legally or contractually between 9/24 and Halloween will fall under the realm of King FUBAR (and he’s kind of a bastard). This is because Mercury in Sucktrograde traditionally messes with chatty Gemini more than most of the signs. If you’re dating someone, know this Sucktrograde in Libra will mess with your partners at home more than your partners in business. Sign your pre-nup, now.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Our Moon is doing all kinds of wacky dances on our psyches this week. Because the Moon is going to land in Pisces, Aries, Taurus AND Gemini, we will need to work through our social phobias (Gemini), need to buy 80’s memorabilia ala Gem and the Holograms or Teddy Ruxpin on Ebay (Taurus), need to have a public outburst including lots of tears with the co-worker who is a real brown-nosing douche (Aries), and need to find out who loves us—really loves us (Pisces). It’s a heavy week. Most of this stuff can fortunately be worked out in dreams, so keep a journal by the couch you crash on. Journaling is fun. It’s a book all about you. Pull that old notebook out from beneath the mattress and get to work analyzing yourself. Nobody else cares enough, do they, Cancer? They just don’t get it.


Leo (July 23-August 22)
This is a good week for you, Leo. If you start out needing additional caffeine and Red Bull at the beginning of the week, you’ll find that by the end of the week you’ll be like the fern—drawing lots of energy from the environment around you. Watch your money, and watch your health. Many Leos have had health problems earlier this week and tried to ignore their fevers and vomitorium episodes with more beer. This was a poor, although hilarious, choice. But the astrological energies will show up with goods a plenty by the weekend, so take Monday-Wednesday off from the club.


Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You know how this last year has been on the sucky side of crappy? Well, that’s Saturn’s fault. Guess what? You still have another year. Word of the Prophet SMM says try to find a way to make a little money on the side—whether it’s a little housecleaning, doing a Craig’s List clearance, or selling your body to MIT drug analysts. If you really want to make the most of this time, make a list of all the things you’ve gained in the past year. Despite Saturn’s bastardly arrival, you probably had at least one or two cool things happen to you. Making this little list (alphabetized or whatever you end up doing) will make you less likely to sit and moan on the couch, looking like a dork.


Libra (September 23-October 22)

This past week should have been awesome for you. If it wasn’t totally full of love and sex and horse-drawn carriages, you’re shagging the wrong dude or chick. Venus is hanging out on your astrological couch, beginning a new two-year cycle and starting with you! This is a perfect time for lovey-dovey Libra to shack up with the right person. If it doesn’t look good, romance-wise, you need to cut, run and restart the Match.com profile. Take advantage of this mushy time. You’re the one who stands to benefit, most.


Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Oh! Big surprise. It’s a week of deep introspection. Particularly in dreams, you should get together with your Cancerian friends and share notes about the fucked-up things you saw in your sleep. Aries and Gemini folks are more likely than usual to annoy the crap out of you. You’d be better off to avoid the people who will encourage you to be social and just enjoy the time you have curled up in your little cave, thinking about yourself and enjoying the paintings on the wall.


Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Wee!!!! Celebrate! Feisty Pluto (which is still a planet—ignore what all skeptics say) is about to get the hell out of your sign. As you may recall, Pluto was bringing you the magic words “regeneration and transformation” which meant people kept moving your stapler and messing up your groove. You can take a break, as you’ll finally find that nothing needs to change. Now, this is going to bore you through the month of October, so work on planning your Halloween costume, because it will feel as though nothing is going on. That’s because Pluto is taking a big break before charging into Capricorn, moving their cheese and screwing up their I-Pod.


Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Well….Aries and Gemini are going to piss you the hell off, too. Just avoid those people. Talking to them won’t help, passive aggressive emails certainly won’t help. Their signs are standing way on the other side of where you are, and their voices are going to react on you like the fingernails to chalkboards. Keep your pretty little nose to the grind and work on getting your projects done. Again, before the 24th with Mercury starts running away and causing problems. Oh! Quick note from the cauldron. There is a warning about head injuries, you might want to wear a helmet when leaving the house.


Aquarius (January 20-February 19)

Umm….things are going to be even more confusing in the coming days. Not that you’ll notice, you tend to live on planet “Huh????” most days. This will be one of the few times during the year when you have to worry more about money than your record collection—pay attention to your bank account. This past year has been pretty good to you, but right now it’s better that you reign in how much money you spit out at the bar and the flea market.


Pisces (February 20-March 20)

Monday is a big day. Hope you got to bed last night. The lunar energy is all in Pisces, you’ll be feeling powerful and awesome, but by Tuesday you’ll be back to your confused, wacky selves. You also need to pay attention to your dreams. Call up your Cancer friends, but avoid Scorpios—they’re more liable than usual to fuck with you. Don’t get SMM wrong, it’s going to be a nice week, but it will be even harder than usual to see the things you want to see in action anywhere other than your pointed little head.


You were missed!!!!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Horrorscopes will Return on 9/15!

Hello all,

Thanks for your patience during SMM's sabbatical! AstrologyExplained will return on Monday, 9/15!

See you then!

xoxo
SMM