Sunday, January 14, 2007

Meme Horoscope

Well, I guess that stupid Meme will finally get me to start this blog thing....

The task is to take the nearest book, open to page 123, and write down lines 6-8. The book nearest to me at the moment is, of course, "The Tarot Handbook" by Angeles Arrien. Page 123 is the Princess of Cups (known as the Page of Cups to most tarot-buffs) and the lines are this:

"The Princess of Cups has the capacity to offer emotional longevity and loyalty to others in objective and non-possesive ways."

Bullshit.

The Princess of Cups is the crazy bitch who tells you to go on, go away, go find yourself--and then obsessively checks your MySpace page eighty times a day to see if you're seeing someone else or if any of your friends posted anything shitty about her. She's the one who says she's not mad when in actuality, she's very, very mad indeed. The one who expects you just to know that her feelings are bent out of shape over something--even though she pretends like nothing's wrong.

That's the truth. Watch out for that Girl, peoples.

This blog is hereby dedicated to explaining those convoluted, esoteric horoscopes you may or may not ignore in the daily paper. I believe in astrology and whether or not you admit it--you kinda do too. And there's nothing wrong with that! Everyone wants to know future. I'm not going to tell you your future today. I'm going to explain the signs.

Aries: (March 21-April 20)
Crazy ass fire sign--most of my best friends and wildest ex-boyfriends have been Ariens. Ambitious and courageous--if I ever got off my lazy ass and joined some kind of team sport, I would want at least four Aries on it at all times. They are competitive and domineering, which makes them wild clubbing buddies. Just be sure to distract them with a bar fight when you want to make out with their date. They will kick your ass if they notice. Ariens tend to fall in love at first sight and stay in love for a long time. My first ex-boyfriend was an Aries and liked to show it through: "I FUCKING LOVE YOU GODDAMNIT! SO WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU????" It didn't last long. Arien relationships are full of fury and fire and burn up very, very quickly. As friends, Ariens are fucking LOYAL, guys. Most of you have met my Arien best friend. If you've pissed me off, I guarantee that she is way, way WAY more pissed at you than I will ever be. In fact, she's still mad at you for shit that I've forgotten about.
Keep your Arien friends close, and your Arien enemies as far away as you can. A separate continent is a good place to start.

Taurus (April 21-May 21)
I grew up with a Taurus. That was fun. Since I was born "differently abled" in the fashion sense, having a Taurus sister saved my ass. One must always keep one Taurus in their court to make sure they can properly dress themselves and do something about decorating their apartment. Taureans have got aesthetics down like no one else. Just don't try to be prettier than them. First of all, you won't win. Second of all, if you ever beat a Taurus at anything--they will be unhappy. Unlike Aries, they won't take you outside and beat you bloody--but they will throw a verbal fit and you will never hear the end of it. Just let them win everything, guys. Every debate, fashion show and Monopoly game. If you date a Taurus, anticipate that they are going to be fierce and love you with the force of the bull. But they can be on the jealous side and get kind of insecure, so don't think that flirting with their friends is going to "keep them on their guard". They'll kill you. They will provide for you, though--they like a steady, comfortable life. While they're ambitious, they don't like taking a whole bunch of cash risks. So, also anticipate them working a good solid 60 hour work week, but don't expect that they're going to be all excited about hitting the slot machines on your trip to Vegas. They will be more inclined to attend a burlesque show on the Strip, so they can flaunt their new rhinestone-studded false eyelashes.

Gemini (May 22-June 21)
I can't figure these people out. First of all, they don't shut up. Second of all, they're always flipping on you. However, if you want to have a party, make sure you invite at least six Geminis. That way, the conversation will never get dull. They are also more likely to take their clothing off and dance around your living room in all their wacky glory. My Sister-Priestess is a Gemini and getting to see her on the all too rare occasions will never provide for a dull moment. A Gemini is the one who will join the anti-circus and ride a bus through California only to desert the side show in Oakland because Gemini has suddenly changed their mind about living with a bunch of hippies and decided they would rather live in a tree. They are as comfortable at Burning Man as they are in Times Square, so you can bet that if you need someone to just come along and not ask questions and still have fun, call up your Gemini friend. Just be sure to give yourself at least a good hour for that phone call.

Cancer (June 22-July 23)
I'm a Cancer, so I'm definitely going for the throat on this one. We are the biggest pains in the asses on the whole chart. I guarantee that we're brooding about something, somewhere and if we tell you we're not upset about whatever you've done to upset us--we're upset. Don't believe us when we say we're not. Buy us flowers and tell us we're beautiful and special so we can cry and get it out of our systems. You probably wish we would just disappear from the entire zodiac, but guess what? We can't and you really don't want us to. We're the best cooks in the zodiac, and we're the ones who are going to pamper you when the rest of the signs treat you like shit. We're the best lovers because we're fucking psychic as all hell and pay attention to the things you like. We're more about pleasing you than ourselves (something we really need to work on). Be romantic, goddamnit. And be old-fashioned about it. Yes, roses and getting down on your knees is a good way to begin. (Unless the particular Cancer is me. Just bring me beer and stop with the poetry.) We're whiney and elusive, but sweet as we can be and the truth is that we have a lovely aura of mystery that keeps us really damn interesting. This is why you are still reading my blog after all this time.

Leo (July 24-August 23)
Oh, Leo. It's hard to be you. You've got all kinds of wacky ideas and passions and can't ever fully express them without setting something on fire. You're way too damn insecure. We can all see through your ego-wall. Why are you so worried about what we think? Nearly everyone loves a Leo (except Scorpio--but who cares?). Don't take everything so personally. Leos are fab-u-lous in the sack and if you haven't tried a Leo yet, get your ass on MySpace or Match or whatever and just look for Leos. No other qualifications need apply. If you have a Leo friend or lover and they give you a present, fawn the fuck all over it and fawn the fuck all over them. Even if it's not true. Let them think it is. If you hurt a Leo's feelings, it's kind of like when you yell at your cat. They will hide under the couch for three days, pulling the most spectacular guilt trip. Be very gentle with them. As much as they like to pretend to be the biggest, baddest asses around, they deep down inside want you to approve of everything they do. Just go with me on this one, guys. Don't try to give them a good character shaping. Wait until their next lifetime when they come back as a Capricorn.

Virgo (August 24-September 23)
I don't know why I'm bothering writing anything for Virgo. None of them believe in Astrology anyway. If there is a Virgo reading this blog, it's only because they know me and are nice enough people to indulge in the strange things their friend is into. Virgos like having strange people around them, although most Virgos come off as being quite normal. But in actuality, most Virgos are cracked just below the surface. And as they are reading this, they are intricately analyzing themselves and probably asking their office mate if this is true. And then, they're going to Wikipedia-it. (You know you're going to......) If you need a logical solution to anything, ask a Virgo. Because if they don't know the answer, they are probably going to research it for you. It's really fun to get a Virgo drunk, because even the straightest and narrowest Virgo General Manager will start shaking it to Brittany Spear's "Toxic" and outdancing even the hottest Leos in the room. Be sure to take pictures and post them the next day on the Virgo's MySpace page. They will at first be horrified, but they actually love the attention.

Libra (Sept 24-Oct 23)
My Libra best friend has been my Libra best friend for almost fifteen years. They stick around and they don't like to let you go, even after they divorce you--they will still keep tabs on you. THEY LOVE ROMANCE. Let me repeat. THEY LOVE ROMANCE. Your Cancer partner will let you get away with bringing them carnations when they wanted roses, but your Libra partner will throw the carnations at you and whatever else you tried to buy them, too. Poems, guys (and girls). Libras need the cut and dry "I love you" and overly expressive ways to show it. They are good to have around because they will not put up with your bullshit and will tell you when you are seriously fucking up. But they tend to put things off as long as possible, so don't ever let them do your taxes. But they will make you a fabulous scrap-book because they are some sentimental mother-fuckers. They like getting their way and if they don't get their way, it's more than being angry about it, they just can't comprehend how something could NOT go their way. So, you end up with an angry and confused Libra. However, they are gracious enough to reflect on the situation and will thank you for helping them see the bigger picture. Then, you need to go buy them flowers. Let me repeat. BUY YOUR LIBRA GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND DON'T BE CHEAP ABOUT IT. THEY WILL NOTICE. Love your Libra friends and lovers because they will take good care of you. Just make sure to buy them presents.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 27th)
Scorpio. Oh, Scorpio. There is no sign more fun to screw with than a Scorpio. Scorpios think that the world is conspiring against them and that everyone is talking shit about them behind their backs. Guess what, Scorpio? It's true! Everyone IS out to get you and we're ALL talking shit about you behind your back. That's why your planet was taken away--they did it to piss you off. You know how most astrology guides say you're the best in bed? They lied. There are lots of other astrology books out there entitled "Don't tell Scorpio" and they all agree that we've been saying that to inflate your ego so we can laugh about it when you leave the room. Yes, you're intuitive and magnetic. We enjoy your obsessive qualities. They're funny. You are also the ones most likely to have spontaneous sex in a place like a public bathroom. You guys are great partners in many respects because you are very protective--bordering on possessive. Your only problem is that you can't keep your dick or choochie in your pants. If you'd ever learn to do this, you wouldn't have to deal with your former lovers (usually Cancers....) lighting your shit on fire in your front lawn. Best way to screw with a Scorpio: "Someone was talking about you the other day, but I forget who it was and what they said."

Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)
If your kid ends up Sagittarius, give them up for adoption. Unless you like the A.D.D. thing. If you find yourself dating a Sagittarius, save yourself some time and start pulling handfuls of hair out of your head now. If you find yourself falling in love with a Sagittarius, the only proper solution is to throw yourself infront of that upcoming A train, or at least go ahead and enroll yourself in therapy because they're bound to send you there anyway. They are spastic. They are uncontrolled. They are delightful little creatures that are just asking to be smothered in their sleep with their goose down pillows! They probably won't read this--but they will call me later and say, "I forgot to read your new blog. Sorry. But what did you say about Sag?" And they'll change the subject before I can finish telling them, because there will be some shiny object somewhere much more interesting. I love Sag. They don't give a shit about little shit. They are the best partying people. They are the first ones to tell you to get over it. But you can't get them to stand still long enough to love them the way you want to. Fucking Sag.

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 20th)
I was raised by a Capricorn woman and therefore imbued with a sense of honor, good manners, good money practices, and a deep need for perfection. But Capricorns pull it off. Cancers, not so much. As a Cancer, my emotional outbursts would confuse my poor mother--because Capricorns don't really do that. It's not logical in their minds--although perfectly logical to a Cancer! My Capricorn friends keep themselves in pretty damn good shape and are pretty damn good at finding crazy ways to make money. Such as subletting their living room to German tourists or selling their dirty underwear on Ebay. And they don't see anything strange about it. Money is money, right? I like to keep Capricorns handing in order to have potential wacky business partners there. They are incredibly resourceful--whether it's having a perfect recipe for a perfect Gorgonzola cheesecake--or just happening to have fake silicone bra cups to go under my new club shirt.

Aquarius (January 21-February 19)
Your aquarian friends are the most likely to show up at the middle of the night and want to take a drive with you five hours north to Issaqua Washington to pick up a fresh box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts as they roll off the conveyor belt. (This was back in the day before Krispy Kreme had officially opened everywhere in Oregon and the only place we could go was Issaqua.) Of course, your Aquarian friend will have Trucker Meds ready in their Altoids box so you don't pass out. They don't them, Aquarians never sleep. And, once you reach your destination, they will decide it's a good idea to first break into an empty house in a new housing development just to look around. If you're a Cancer, you're probably going to freak out about this, but you go along to protect your Aquarian friend from themselves. Don't ever worry about your Aquarian friend or partner. As much trouble as they cause, they tend to have incredible luck and while most of us would end up dead or arrested, they are still up in time for brunch. That's because they never went to bed. Avoid telling Aquarians deep secrets--as they are likely to forget the part about not telling anyone. They can't help that.

Pisces (February 20th-March 20th)
Keep your Pisces friends and lovers close, close, close. They are the secret gems of the Zodiac. Most of them don't call alot of attention to themselves, and therefore when you find yourself in bed with a Pisces, you're more than pleasantly suprised to find a Fertility God/dess who will keep your neighbors awake and cause you to forget your name. But they don't brag about this (Leo. Scorpio.), so it's a refreshing thing to find. Just don't try to pin them in, tell them what to do, or be shitty to them. They will quietly leave your life and not tell you. And you will miss them. Greatly. They can be pretty fucking unforgiving, but they come off as "Everything is fine." So, if you've done something horribly shitty to a Pisces lately, pray pray pray that he or she is not a witch. Or that he or she does not have witch friends. Especially Cancer witch friends. Those pissy, protective friends are sticking pins in your effigy as we speak. We love our Pisces friends and lovers and everyone should. Like when you release a fish in the water (Wow. Weber's getting poetic), they ain't comin' back once you've let them go.

6 comments:

Philucifer [aka Charlie Willis] said...

I think I got off pretty lightly, considering . . .

Looking forward to more.

Philucifer -- Pisces

Williams Wife said...

Yea! I am glad that - even though you didn't want to get memed - you started this. I have always loved astrology and want to learn more. As philucifer said - looking forward to more.

liz jackson said...

hey! i did read your blog! it is sort of miracle, though, i have to admit...will you explain all the other planets and stuff and link to places to make sure you have the right signs in the planets?

xoxo!

Cat* said...

haha... don't lie! That was an OLD club shirt... hence the need for silicone boobs.... anyway - they weren't mine - I just happened to have them around :P

(and emotional outbursts make PERFECT sense to us... we just only happen to show them in public if we happen to have liberal sprinklings of Sag in our moon and other planets...)

So what do you do to distract the arian's "date" if you want to make out with "them?"

Kanani said...

Damn you were dead on with the libra one. You forgot to mention however a Cancer friend is way more chicken shit then her Libra friend and will call the libra on advice on ditching a guy at the bar by escaping through the bathroom window!

Robin said...

wow...dead on with myself...sag, my princess...cancer & troy...virgo