Greetings, charming sinners!!!
Many thanks to all of you who donated to Sister Mary’s Prophetic Guinness Fund! If you’re feeling obscenely guilty that you did not contribute to this (sort of) worthy cause, it’s absolutely not too late! That little donate button to the right of this paragraph will allow you to do just that, and allow Sister Mary a little more cash on her voyage to Ireland!
Now, that being said….
Please take a deep breath and listen to the following announcement with the gracious qualities you know your sort of possess…
There will not be an AstrologyExplained posting on Sunday, October 28.
AstrologyExplained WILL return on Monday, November 5. A week and a day later. You will most certainly manage!!!
Keep reading, there is much more to tell…
Onward thrusting into the week of October 21-27!!! You’ll be glad you did…
As you’re probably already aware, Mercury is in Retrograde again. This explains why your computer keeps freezing and choking (it isn’t just the illegal software downloads), it explains why your phone keeps cutting out. (For some of you, anyway. A few caustic signs may actually be getting hung up on by other signs.) Mercury rules communication and electronics. Traffic will be worse, trains will get snarled, you’ll walk around thinking everyone is speaking ancient Greek. Even Sister Mary’s digital camera bit the dust a mere three days before her voyage—and it wasn’t only because Mammy Superior borrowed it for vampire tracking. Back up your work on your jump drives now. Take even more time to talk slowly and clearly to your significant other. Be sure to use little words with your boss. Now is not the time to let anything get confusing. This retrograde is in Scorpio, which means people are more likely to plot your death. Clarity is key, kids.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries, you’ve been very well behaved on Planet Dumbass so far. You’ve kept your mouth shut and watched the League of Morons run head first into everything hard. As the Chronic Oldest Sibling in the zodiac, you’ll often find yourself in the position of wanting to knock people’s heads together in Curly-Larry-Moe fashion. Again, your best Aries course of action is to take a deep breath and back away slowly from the situation. Please understand…Sister Mary wants to tell you to go bust some skulls as it seems their Karmic actions are screaming for it. However, the Flying Monkeys are saying that if you let your violent impulses go wild, you might end up in jail. That’s not something you want to deal with, so close to Halloween when Venus is back in town and people might want to nail you. Just sayin.’
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus did the un-characteristic thing last week of letting something in the past be just that. However, the other characters involved in that past incident (they know who they are) did something else to annoy our favorite Bulls. So, Taurus felt the need to bring it up again. Taurus, whether this past incident involved finding out that your lover cheated on you last week, last year or in a past life—you took the whole thing with a kind, patient Taurus smile. But then you caught this lover taking a bath with the slut next door—and using your raspberry soap without asking. Now, you’re ready to release the bull. An angry Taurus is a scary thing. The Flying Monkeys want to warn you that hasty decisions will cause deep regrets. Consider dropping a couple of people’s cell phones into the bath with them, instead of a live toaster. The former is funny. The latter, no matter how tempting, will get you in trouble.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Whatever partnership you’ve entered as of late—be it romance, business, or making peace with the crazy monkey that lives in your head—has somehow left you insecure. Since when did Gemini get so paranoid about being cheated on (don’t you like to share?) or fired (wouldn’t you love unemployment checks?) or going completely insane (you’re already there, sweetheart). It seems as though you’re going to be the ultimate cause of your own destruction by destroying whatever it is that scares you before it bites you in the ass. Please be sure the thing was actually going to bite you—as in, it was growling and the sweaty teeth were showing—before you go ruining a good thing. Let the partner know you’re pee in your pants scared. Vocalize these fears before they get the best of you. (Maybe leave out the pee part.)
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Well, Mars is still taking up space in our place and will be through the first week of December. The good news is that Mars makes us want to get shit done. The bad news is that we’re going to be cranky bitches the whole time, Mars being the planet of war. While our Hanukkah shopping may be done well before Thanksgiving this year, we might be inclined to break the noses of lard-ass Macy’s salespeople. We need to be prepared over the coming weeks that lots of things are not going to go our way, and try to remember that little burps and bumps in the road is merely the Great F*cker in the Sky trying to teach us something. And It better have a GOOD reason for it. We’ll probably want to do some more shell-hiding time, and that’s not a bad thing. Probably better for our mental health and that of those around us.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Slowly healing from the bumps and bruises of the summer, Leo is finally going to delete a couple of MySpace friends, maybe even delete the damn profile all together, give up dairy and refined sugar and start pilates again. Anything to take their mind off of whatever it was that made them hide in the bottom of a carton of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food. (Mmmmm…) Leo, people may be coming to you for money, time and attention this week. You probably owe it to some of them, particularly if any of these bastards were there for you during your time of need. Those that weren’t may be using you, as Leos become very generous when they’re vulnerable. Be sure to take note if you’re being taken for any stupid rides. That way, when you’re strong again, you can beat some ass.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Don’t know if you’ll think this is good news or not, Virgo, but even during your Saturn visitation, you can still get calls from other planets! This week, Venus is in Virgo which means our thoughtful little “virgins” will be turning their intellectual obsessions onto matters of the heart. Whether they’re feeling optimistic about love (hey, it could be the only thing going for Virgos during this nasty time) or picking apart what went wrong in the last one—again—Virgo, the key here is to not let your emotions drown you this week. If love stuff in your head requires conversation, have it and don’t nit-pick things until they fall apart. Your patience is about to get tried big time with either someone you’re involved with now, or someone from the past. Careful how you approach things, or be prepared to get slapped.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Last week, Libra went into a dark phase where they simply didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Libras do that from time to time and it freaks people out—as they’re supposed to be the friendly ones. This week, they’re coming out and delicately explaining using lots of Dr. Phil words why they got upset and what everyone in the world can do to change it. The Flying Monkeys indicate that this is actually quite good and may end up in you getting a bubble bath with a dozen roses floating in it—and maybe even a cold glass of ginger ale! It’s good someone will be doing the communication. Goddess knows this Mercury Retrograde in Scorpio is going to make the rest of us crazy.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Having Mercury in Retrograde through your home sign is bound to make your I-Pod crash. Sorry to be the one to tell you. The little electronic things you like to collect before the rest of the world catches on will be letting you down this week and it’s a sad, sad thing. However, this Retrograde provides plenty of opportunity for introspection. You’ll have plenty of time and energy to write your thesis on Reptilian Domination—only to burn it in the alley so “They” don’t find out about it. Yep, Scorpio. Retrograde aside, your social life is at a standstill this week, but you don’t mind hanging out in your cave for a few more days. You’ll be re-evaluating the people around you: who are your friends and who do you think you have to kill.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
The source of frustrations, as it turns out, is your own wicked self after all! What a relief. You thought it was all those crazy Virgos you had running around. Maybe it was the crazy pack of Virgos—but you were the one who let them in to mess around with your Playstation. Did we mention that Virgos are causing a lot of havoc for Sag in the coming months? They are. Along with Gemini and Pisces and Capricorn and well, probably the whole zodiac. Sag, in order to keep your mind and body remotely healthy, you’re going to need to quit about three of your favorite hobbies and try sleeping more than two hours a night. Hell, see if you can charm someone into letting you into the spa at night. They’ll be more than glad to have your “help.” Once you get some rest, you’ll be a much happier person all together.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn, it’s time to let the guard down and admit you were wrong. Lie if you have to. But it’s the only way to get yourself out of the predicament you’re currently in. Crazy Taurus lover backed you up against the wall—and it’s not a game this time? You should have taken the warning about dueling earth signs when you answered their Nerve personal. You’re going to run into an element of darkness in a partnership of some kind this week and please take Sister Mary’s advice: don’t try to be right this time. Of course you’re right. You’re Capricorn. You’re always right. But let this little battle go. It will soothe the course of the next phase of this relationship, and you can sneak out and be right next time.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Slow down, child. You’re giving most of the world a migraine. You’ve got big ideas, everything you want to do has enormously fabulous proportions, but you can’t rush the magic mushrooms. Trust Sister Mary. They will grow on their own good time. You’re going to have to take your hands off the person or project you’ve been working on for so long and let things happen on their own. Go outside and enjoy the benefits of Global Warming. Nice to have six month summers, huh? Eventually, you’ll be required to jump back in with a brilliant idea. The robots around you only have so much creative steam, and you’re the one who pumped them up in the first place. Enjoy your time off, and don’t break any limbs.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Ah! So it’s YOUR moon making us all loony this week. Deep, rich Pisces moon making you even more aware of other people’s neurotic tendencies. Don’t go around psychically collecting every crazy attribute of every wino you pass. Sure, it’s good the streets are clean and clear for everyone—but not if you end up twitching and rocking and not leaving your apartment for four days. Don’t forget that balance thing. That means, eating. Sleeping. Drinking water occasionally—not just gin. Honestly, you won’t be required to solve anyone’s problems this week for a change. Of course, being Pisces, you’re going to try to do that anyway. Understand that it’s going to be a drain on your resources and probably isn’t necessary. No need to enable. Most people would continue to do the crazy things anyway.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Contribute to the Sister Mary Guiness Fund!!!
Listen well to Sister Mary, sinners!!! In just over a week, she will be embarking on a vision quest to Ireland!!! That’s correct! And she needs YOUR help!
On the right side of the screen, you will notice a bright yellow button that says DONATE. Do you see it? No? Here’s another one:
Every donation goes directly to Sister Mary’s Prophetic Guinness fund! The more she drinks, the more wizdumb she shall provide. It’s truly an investment in your future—plus, think of all she does for you! $1 will guarantee you points in the Karma jar. $5 will guarantee you BONUS points in the Karma jar!!! And remember, $1000 guarantees you access to the Great Swingers Club in the Sky!!!
Seriously, folks. The Convent of Sensual Salvation knows you’re broke and feels your awful pain. But considering that Astrology Explained is the closest thing most of you get to Sunday worship service of any kind, cough up a buck. SMM is soooooo worth it!!! Be glad she doesn’t tithe!
Welcome to the week of October 14-20! Look to the skies…cover your Holy Heads!
Aries (March 21-April 19)
On a cosmic level, Aries, you seem to be the only one who is directly being left alone. This means, you’re going to be called upon to help a lot of people out of jams. Best friends calling about douche-bag lovers, parents calling about douche-bag siblings. As the Natural Older Sibling of the zodiac, you’re going to have to take a deep breath and have patience with the chaos around you. Listen to people blah-blah-blah, instead of chucking the cell phone into the toilet when they won’t listen to you. Your advice isn’t being sought after this week. Your ear, your money and your ability to feed the cat of the person suddenly arrested while on a trip upstate—that’s what will be required of you. If someone asks to borrow money—don’t expect it to be repaid. So, don’t give too much of it. That goes for your listening abilities and cat-sitting availability as well. Pull back when you’re being taken advantage of, or it will be YOU on the Great Cosmic Couch next week.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Couples counseling, friend-of-couples counseling, pet psychic services…Taurus, you’ve put a lot of time, energy and your oh-so-precious cash into making something work. Now, just when you’re going to start seeing the object of your affections turn into the emotionally honest, hard-working, Bull-pleasing robot you’ve dreamed of—smoke and sparks and immediate reversion back to the lazy, insensitive thing you should have fired months ago. This is as true for human relationships and jobs as it is for robots. Taurus, you tried really, really hard and true, it would be fair if the Universe took notice and rewarded you for it. But the true truth is that most of the time the Universe isn’t paying attention. And when the Universe is paying attention, It has a nasty sense of humor and likes to break the toys we worked so hard to put together. Wipe the radioactive dust from your hands and walk away. Something new will come along for you to duct-tape back together into your favorite Taurus fashion.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Either the drama of last week drained the last of your cash, or the Gemini Twins suffered catastrophic nervous breakdowns circa Friday. Either way, the only method for you to get extra time in the courtyard this next week is to bribe the guard with cigarettes or sexual favors—but frankly, it doesn’t look as though either are going to work for you. It’s not that you’re not the sexy pair of bitches you were last week—even in the straight jacket. Your time in lock down has been brought to you by the Gods of the Inner-Psycho, which you will need to appease with meditation, lavender tea and Live Journal to get that time off. It’s time for you to reflect upon why you’ve been on the roller coaster of self-destruction the past nine months. Don’t blame the Cosmos. This time, they’re only partially responsible. You’ll need to accept your reoccurring role in why you keep running into the brick wall of heartbreak and rehab and fix it before the all-powerful “they” add an extra life-sentence to your “rehabilitation.”
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
With Mars still putting Her dirty feet on the couch in our Cosmic living room, Cancerians everywhere are making lists and checking them twice of all the people who have pissed us off—from the bully Capricorn in Montessori school to the whiney Leo in last week’s staff meeting. We’re still brooding, but this week it may come to a head. It’s good practice to write a letter to that mean old Goat from back in the day. It’s bad practice to Google the person and actually send it to them. Likewise, it’s good practice to scream out your frustrations to the co-worker’s effigy. It’s bad practice to stick pins in the effigy—but if they’re too atrocious, it might be a better alternative than blowing up at them in the break room. First of all, you’ll keep your job. Second, Whiney Leo might go on an extended retreat to the Black Hills and never come back. That will make things easier. Fellow Cancerians, we must remember that most of our frustrations are in our fevered heads. The Wise Crab knows when to retreat into its shell. The Psycho Cancer knows this too, but goes and pinches the annoying thing anyway…thereby losing a claw. Project of the week: keep all limbs intact.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Financial and emotional turmoil may have subsided temporarily for our sexy felines, but Leos across the Universe are still limping from a drawn-out season of heartache and credit card debt. Leo, Sister Mary has been very patient with you for several months now. In fact, most of the Universe has been extremely patient with you. Now, we’re asking that you take a shower, brush your teeth and come out to play with us because your moping is making us sad. Okay, the truth is that your roommate called and notified said the neighbors are beginning to complain about the smell and the chorus of lamenting coming from your bedroom. It’s time to shake your gorgeous manes and join the world again. You’re really going to hate Sister Mary for this next piece of news…while the yuck may have subsided, it’s not over yet. One more bad moon on the rise before things stop sucking…WAIT!!! DON’T CRAWL BACK UNDER THE BED!!! You can either face the suck alone, which only made you more depressed last time, or you can come out with your friends and we can all face the suck together. The latter is a better option and this is a prophetic promise—some sweetie out there wants to buy you a beer. Take the beer.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
One Virgo said to Sister Mary this week: “Three Years of Suck? Man, I HATE astrology…” This particular Virgo, like all good Virgos, doesn’t believe in astrology. Unless the reading promises bad news. Then, the Virgo is all into it. Virgo, this is a typical doldrumsitic response that only propagates your misfortune. Putting new faith in astrology when Saturn, Planet of Suck arrives will not prevent crap from happening. You’re going to have to take this one piece of ick at a time. If you have Gemini friends, avoid them. They’ll be in the same padded cell as you, and you’ll be tempted to commiserate, but commiseration is only going to lead to feeling sorry for yourself and increasing your drinking problem. In between the hurdles, go lock yourself in your bedroom with a couple of old Radiohead c.d.s and do some contemplation. Really. What is the Universe trying to teach you? No one ever figures it out on the first go round, but it will give you a definite edge for the next lifetime…
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Congratulations on your hard work this year, Libra. You finally got everything exactly where and how you want it to be. Now, for the Great Upheaval fairy….oh, don’t whine. Actually, it looks as though you, Libra will be the one who tips your own scales and blows your own house down. It’s timely and it’s appropriate as you, Libra, don’t like being bored. However, don’t be surprised and upset if the overhaul isn’t easy, causes crankiness around you or exposes gangrene in the rafters. Do a lot of that deep breathing stuff, don’t freak out over little details. Only at the moments of deepest frustration do we become stronger and better adjusted. Also, remember WHO created the upheaval (you!). Remember why you wanted things to change. Embrace the rocky time and you’ll be a hell of a lot happier with the finished product.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Unlike Libra, things weren’t completely okay in the Scorpion sector this past week. The object of your affections didn’t find your blog dedicated solely to them romantic. Perhaps they found it creepy? Perhaps you’re being called a stalker? Maybe you didn’t get the promotion you wanted—it was given to some inept Aquarius??? Ooh…that one does hurt. The wise man says, Scorpio, “If you can’t be with the one you love…don’t go killing the one they’re with.” It is time, Scorpio, to appreciate the lovelies all around you and don’t go searching for more. At the same time, don’t go demanding more from what you have. That may scare off more things you’re wild about. Once you can look around with a true smile and bask in the wonderfulness that surrounds you on a daily basis, you’ll feel less of a need to go out and consume. Remember, the MAN wants you to consume. Embrace your rebel self and stop absorbing subliminal messages from corporate whores. You’re okay without excess. True story.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Oops! Sagittarius overheard something under the bathroom stall walls, or found a chat-transcript on you roommate’s computer—one that would make you rich if you wanted to blackmail. (By the way, did you even get permission to use the computer?) Nah, blackmail isn’t Sag’s style. But this new information, be it a secret of someone else, something you’ve learned about yourself or the location of Bin Laden, you really need to be careful with how you reveal this information. Is now even a good time to spill your guts? Will it help those around you, or send them to prison? Would having your roommate locked up give you the space you need to write your novel or leave you desperately lonely? If the information isn’t specifically helpful to anyone, you might want to keep your mouth shut—or leak in a way that’s productive. Don’t ask how it might be productive…we don’t provide answers here. Just inane warnings.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn, you did good, as they say. Something was bothering you and instead of pouting about it, you approached the person or situation and calmly explained your side of the story, using all those really annoying “I feel” statements instead of the more satisfying, “You Asshole…” statements. Good work. However, it was ineffective. This isn’t your fault. It’s the fault of the lazy douche bag who has no interest in changing his/her/it/their ways. Don’t waste your energy or your good manicure by trying to change the shape of a brick wall with your bare hands. Walk away. Don’t interrupt and don’t try to explain your side of things again. It didn’t work last time, and it’s not going to work this time and will leave you with painful, ragged cuticles. Wait for the Universe to act and sit back with your ice tea and watch it happen. Don’t say “Toldya so” too loudly, or the Kickback will hear and come after you, too. Giggle to yourself and walk away clean. ‘Tis the mark of the seasoned Capricorn.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Some kind of separation has occurred in the Aquarian realm. Of course, poor Aquarius didn’t notice a damn thing until they realized no one had answered their calls for more toilet paper in the upstairs john. Wow. Amazing how long you held out, Waterbearer! You may be confused as to why people aren’t calling or coming over to play anymore. It’s two-fold. One, it’s probably the Universe sucking all of your friends into wormholes. Don’t worry. They’ll get kicked out. Wiser for it. Two, you didn’t listen to Sister Mary when she told you to reach out to your mopey friends and cheer them up. Now, you’re going to have to work doubly hard to get them out of their hobbit holes for an evening. This is a good time for you, as you’re re-learning the rules here on Earth. You had a great trip through outerspace. Now come home.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
When we left our fishes last week, they had to crawl out to the rescue of a number of friends having nervous breakdowns. This left considerably less time for Pisces to finish their own nervous breakdown. Ah, well. It’s the way of the Cosmic Martyr. Pisces, whatever it is that you’re rebuilding will take a great deal of time and a lot of patience. You have the patience, but you don’t always have the ability to discern between “Slow to Grow” and “Total F*cking Failure.” You’re not failing this time. Continue to listen to the great Wino Prophets on the Subway. Delve deeper into your hallucinations. A reunion of sorts is on the way, whether it be with a old lover, a “new” lover (aka, someone you nailed in a past life) or the continued adventures of old psychopath boss who now needs you to clean up his/her mess. Remember, old glue takes time to re-adhere. That’s all the wizdumb you get this week.
On the right side of the screen, you will notice a bright yellow button that says DONATE. Do you see it? No? Here’s another one:
Every donation goes directly to Sister Mary’s Prophetic Guinness fund! The more she drinks, the more wizdumb she shall provide. It’s truly an investment in your future—plus, think of all she does for you! $1 will guarantee you points in the Karma jar. $5 will guarantee you BONUS points in the Karma jar!!! And remember, $1000 guarantees you access to the Great Swingers Club in the Sky!!!
Seriously, folks. The Convent of Sensual Salvation knows you’re broke and feels your awful pain. But considering that Astrology Explained is the closest thing most of you get to Sunday worship service of any kind, cough up a buck. SMM is soooooo worth it!!! Be glad she doesn’t tithe!
Welcome to the week of October 14-20! Look to the skies…cover your Holy Heads!
Aries (March 21-April 19)
On a cosmic level, Aries, you seem to be the only one who is directly being left alone. This means, you’re going to be called upon to help a lot of people out of jams. Best friends calling about douche-bag lovers, parents calling about douche-bag siblings. As the Natural Older Sibling of the zodiac, you’re going to have to take a deep breath and have patience with the chaos around you. Listen to people blah-blah-blah, instead of chucking the cell phone into the toilet when they won’t listen to you. Your advice isn’t being sought after this week. Your ear, your money and your ability to feed the cat of the person suddenly arrested while on a trip upstate—that’s what will be required of you. If someone asks to borrow money—don’t expect it to be repaid. So, don’t give too much of it. That goes for your listening abilities and cat-sitting availability as well. Pull back when you’re being taken advantage of, or it will be YOU on the Great Cosmic Couch next week.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Couples counseling, friend-of-couples counseling, pet psychic services…Taurus, you’ve put a lot of time, energy and your oh-so-precious cash into making something work. Now, just when you’re going to start seeing the object of your affections turn into the emotionally honest, hard-working, Bull-pleasing robot you’ve dreamed of—smoke and sparks and immediate reversion back to the lazy, insensitive thing you should have fired months ago. This is as true for human relationships and jobs as it is for robots. Taurus, you tried really, really hard and true, it would be fair if the Universe took notice and rewarded you for it. But the true truth is that most of the time the Universe isn’t paying attention. And when the Universe is paying attention, It has a nasty sense of humor and likes to break the toys we worked so hard to put together. Wipe the radioactive dust from your hands and walk away. Something new will come along for you to duct-tape back together into your favorite Taurus fashion.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Either the drama of last week drained the last of your cash, or the Gemini Twins suffered catastrophic nervous breakdowns circa Friday. Either way, the only method for you to get extra time in the courtyard this next week is to bribe the guard with cigarettes or sexual favors—but frankly, it doesn’t look as though either are going to work for you. It’s not that you’re not the sexy pair of bitches you were last week—even in the straight jacket. Your time in lock down has been brought to you by the Gods of the Inner-Psycho, which you will need to appease with meditation, lavender tea and Live Journal to get that time off. It’s time for you to reflect upon why you’ve been on the roller coaster of self-destruction the past nine months. Don’t blame the Cosmos. This time, they’re only partially responsible. You’ll need to accept your reoccurring role in why you keep running into the brick wall of heartbreak and rehab and fix it before the all-powerful “they” add an extra life-sentence to your “rehabilitation.”
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
With Mars still putting Her dirty feet on the couch in our Cosmic living room, Cancerians everywhere are making lists and checking them twice of all the people who have pissed us off—from the bully Capricorn in Montessori school to the whiney Leo in last week’s staff meeting. We’re still brooding, but this week it may come to a head. It’s good practice to write a letter to that mean old Goat from back in the day. It’s bad practice to Google the person and actually send it to them. Likewise, it’s good practice to scream out your frustrations to the co-worker’s effigy. It’s bad practice to stick pins in the effigy—but if they’re too atrocious, it might be a better alternative than blowing up at them in the break room. First of all, you’ll keep your job. Second, Whiney Leo might go on an extended retreat to the Black Hills and never come back. That will make things easier. Fellow Cancerians, we must remember that most of our frustrations are in our fevered heads. The Wise Crab knows when to retreat into its shell. The Psycho Cancer knows this too, but goes and pinches the annoying thing anyway…thereby losing a claw. Project of the week: keep all limbs intact.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Financial and emotional turmoil may have subsided temporarily for our sexy felines, but Leos across the Universe are still limping from a drawn-out season of heartache and credit card debt. Leo, Sister Mary has been very patient with you for several months now. In fact, most of the Universe has been extremely patient with you. Now, we’re asking that you take a shower, brush your teeth and come out to play with us because your moping is making us sad. Okay, the truth is that your roommate called and notified said the neighbors are beginning to complain about the smell and the chorus of lamenting coming from your bedroom. It’s time to shake your gorgeous manes and join the world again. You’re really going to hate Sister Mary for this next piece of news…while the yuck may have subsided, it’s not over yet. One more bad moon on the rise before things stop sucking…WAIT!!! DON’T CRAWL BACK UNDER THE BED!!! You can either face the suck alone, which only made you more depressed last time, or you can come out with your friends and we can all face the suck together. The latter is a better option and this is a prophetic promise—some sweetie out there wants to buy you a beer. Take the beer.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
One Virgo said to Sister Mary this week: “Three Years of Suck? Man, I HATE astrology…” This particular Virgo, like all good Virgos, doesn’t believe in astrology. Unless the reading promises bad news. Then, the Virgo is all into it. Virgo, this is a typical doldrumsitic response that only propagates your misfortune. Putting new faith in astrology when Saturn, Planet of Suck arrives will not prevent crap from happening. You’re going to have to take this one piece of ick at a time. If you have Gemini friends, avoid them. They’ll be in the same padded cell as you, and you’ll be tempted to commiserate, but commiseration is only going to lead to feeling sorry for yourself and increasing your drinking problem. In between the hurdles, go lock yourself in your bedroom with a couple of old Radiohead c.d.s and do some contemplation. Really. What is the Universe trying to teach you? No one ever figures it out on the first go round, but it will give you a definite edge for the next lifetime…
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Congratulations on your hard work this year, Libra. You finally got everything exactly where and how you want it to be. Now, for the Great Upheaval fairy….oh, don’t whine. Actually, it looks as though you, Libra will be the one who tips your own scales and blows your own house down. It’s timely and it’s appropriate as you, Libra, don’t like being bored. However, don’t be surprised and upset if the overhaul isn’t easy, causes crankiness around you or exposes gangrene in the rafters. Do a lot of that deep breathing stuff, don’t freak out over little details. Only at the moments of deepest frustration do we become stronger and better adjusted. Also, remember WHO created the upheaval (you!). Remember why you wanted things to change. Embrace the rocky time and you’ll be a hell of a lot happier with the finished product.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Unlike Libra, things weren’t completely okay in the Scorpion sector this past week. The object of your affections didn’t find your blog dedicated solely to them romantic. Perhaps they found it creepy? Perhaps you’re being called a stalker? Maybe you didn’t get the promotion you wanted—it was given to some inept Aquarius??? Ooh…that one does hurt. The wise man says, Scorpio, “If you can’t be with the one you love…don’t go killing the one they’re with.” It is time, Scorpio, to appreciate the lovelies all around you and don’t go searching for more. At the same time, don’t go demanding more from what you have. That may scare off more things you’re wild about. Once you can look around with a true smile and bask in the wonderfulness that surrounds you on a daily basis, you’ll feel less of a need to go out and consume. Remember, the MAN wants you to consume. Embrace your rebel self and stop absorbing subliminal messages from corporate whores. You’re okay without excess. True story.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Oops! Sagittarius overheard something under the bathroom stall walls, or found a chat-transcript on you roommate’s computer—one that would make you rich if you wanted to blackmail. (By the way, did you even get permission to use the computer?) Nah, blackmail isn’t Sag’s style. But this new information, be it a secret of someone else, something you’ve learned about yourself or the location of Bin Laden, you really need to be careful with how you reveal this information. Is now even a good time to spill your guts? Will it help those around you, or send them to prison? Would having your roommate locked up give you the space you need to write your novel or leave you desperately lonely? If the information isn’t specifically helpful to anyone, you might want to keep your mouth shut—or leak in a way that’s productive. Don’t ask how it might be productive…we don’t provide answers here. Just inane warnings.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn, you did good, as they say. Something was bothering you and instead of pouting about it, you approached the person or situation and calmly explained your side of the story, using all those really annoying “I feel” statements instead of the more satisfying, “You Asshole…” statements. Good work. However, it was ineffective. This isn’t your fault. It’s the fault of the lazy douche bag who has no interest in changing his/her/it/their ways. Don’t waste your energy or your good manicure by trying to change the shape of a brick wall with your bare hands. Walk away. Don’t interrupt and don’t try to explain your side of things again. It didn’t work last time, and it’s not going to work this time and will leave you with painful, ragged cuticles. Wait for the Universe to act and sit back with your ice tea and watch it happen. Don’t say “Toldya so” too loudly, or the Kickback will hear and come after you, too. Giggle to yourself and walk away clean. ‘Tis the mark of the seasoned Capricorn.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Some kind of separation has occurred in the Aquarian realm. Of course, poor Aquarius didn’t notice a damn thing until they realized no one had answered their calls for more toilet paper in the upstairs john. Wow. Amazing how long you held out, Waterbearer! You may be confused as to why people aren’t calling or coming over to play anymore. It’s two-fold. One, it’s probably the Universe sucking all of your friends into wormholes. Don’t worry. They’ll get kicked out. Wiser for it. Two, you didn’t listen to Sister Mary when she told you to reach out to your mopey friends and cheer them up. Now, you’re going to have to work doubly hard to get them out of their hobbit holes for an evening. This is a good time for you, as you’re re-learning the rules here on Earth. You had a great trip through outerspace. Now come home.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
When we left our fishes last week, they had to crawl out to the rescue of a number of friends having nervous breakdowns. This left considerably less time for Pisces to finish their own nervous breakdown. Ah, well. It’s the way of the Cosmic Martyr. Pisces, whatever it is that you’re rebuilding will take a great deal of time and a lot of patience. You have the patience, but you don’t always have the ability to discern between “Slow to Grow” and “Total F*cking Failure.” You’re not failing this time. Continue to listen to the great Wino Prophets on the Subway. Delve deeper into your hallucinations. A reunion of sorts is on the way, whether it be with a old lover, a “new” lover (aka, someone you nailed in a past life) or the continued adventures of old psychopath boss who now needs you to clean up his/her mess. Remember, old glue takes time to re-adhere. That’s all the wizdumb you get this week.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Libra--Explained.
You all may have noticed the little “Donate” button! The one on the right of the paragraph. It’s yellow. Keep looking. It’s really not hard to find.
That’s right! If you enjoy AstrologyExplained and want to help feed Sister Mary’s flying monkeys and help pay down Mammy Superior’s bar tab, your contributions make that possible. $1 is cool! $5, even cooler! $1,000 and Sister Mary will tell God what an awesome person you are and get you access to all the burlesque clubs in Heaven.
(Don’t tempt Sister Mary into starting a pledge drive…)
The time of Libra provides little fodder for the average smart-ass Nun Astrologer—it’s a time of balance, like the little scales that represent them. While Sag and Pisces, Gemini and psycho Scorpio break though the Universal Unconscious with quirks and wacky things galore, Libra resets its eccentricities before we get a moment to make fun of them. Libra time is one of bringing things into balance—organizing closets for winter, paying off a few more debts before the holidays begin, doning kelp wraps and chomping on beets to undo the summer’s fabulously toxic damage.
And yes! It’s time to celebrate that courageously well-balanced sign—the only one symbolized by something that doesn’t eat or screw—Libra!
First thing to remember about Libra, particularly since we’re in that time, is that you don’t want to forget a Libra’s birthday. If you do, they will be disappointed. If you do remember their birthday and don’t make it super cool with a trip to Six Flags and a lot of roses, they will be disappointed. A disappointed Libra is a horrible, horrible thing. Think about the cutest puppy in the world, and imagine it welping and crying because it’s sad. Try to add big cartoon teardrops if you can. Is that not the saddest image you’ve ever had? Well, it’s only half as sad as the sight of a disappointed Libra.
Libras are idealistic and true romantics. If you’re dating one, plan on doing the wooing thing more than you ever had to do for even the most precious Capricorn. They’ll reward you, though. Extremely loyal and supportive partners, Libras mate for life; in friendships and in romance. Many, however, seeking the glorious idyllic situation of fairytales, most are likely to partner more than once—but don’t ever fully disappear from their former lovers lives, melding the relationship into a glorious friendship.
The best and most frustrating thing about Libras is their ability to call bullshit. This is why we need them, and why we sometimes throw our cell phones in the Holy toilet when they call. No one delivers a realistic slap in the face like our buddy Libra, who listens well and thinks about all things before explaining to you that it’s not quite all about you—that you might just be screwing up—but will still go kick the ass of the douchebag who bothered you. Are you dating a Libra? Buy them presents, and don’t plan on this catch being all excited by your notions of orgy or poly. Trust Sister Mary—they’re monogamous and cheating is the biggest of all no-nos, followed immediately by lying and forgetting their birthday.
Libras, again, with their balance thing, are extremely practical—but “balance it out” by occasionally buying all kinds of shit they don’t need or can’t afford to keep from getting bored. They can be extremely meticulous most of the time, particularly about having a clean home, but balance it out with periods of extreme laziness. Sometimes they need to be encouraged to get out of their ruts and habits, and are often reluctant to bringing new things and influences into their lives, but once they do, embrace them wholeheartedly. Libras tend to keep small circles of friends, but keep them forever and don’t crave fame or notoriety, but a nice home with a traditional structure and usually kids. Libras approach their relationships as methodically as they approach their shopping. Romance, tradition and sentimentality. Plan on having to leaf through a dozen or so new scrapbooks your Libra puts together every week.
You know, Libras are the toughest signs to describe and pick on—because they’re just too damn balanced. They keep their quirks tucked in places Sister Mary doesn’t know about, or doesn’t care to discover. Which they probably won’t like so much, as Libras like attention as much as any of us. They also don’t like criticism. They like things to go their way, and will pout a bit when it doesn’t—quietly weighing the pros and cons of not getting what they want, and eventually accept it if no other options are available. They get mad, but they get over it.
Frankly, though. The Great Drunk In The Sky knew what He/She was doing when they made Libras. Someone has to keep the rest of us wackos from jumping off the planet.
A very happy birthday to the Libras who keep Sister Mary from being hauled away in a hand-cauldron: Bud, Jessica Elizabeth, Robin, Jethro, and Kanani. I LOVE YOU GUYS A LOT A LOT A LOT, LIKE A LOT!!!!!!!
This week, we’ll find that the commonly stubborn Libra qualities will be exacerbated by the Leo moon—these two influences also making mortals and non-mortals alike more obsessed with being the prettiest quill on the Cosmic porcupine. With Mars, warring planet, still camping out in Cancer this week—domestic quarrels will be on the rise. This alignment is likely to create the doorway for “Why didn’t you take the trash out?” conversations to quickly evolve into “What did you mean when you said last March that I’m insane????” Fortunately, planet of communication Mercury is coming through Scorpio this week, meaning we’ll all have the right amount of manipulative flattery to soothe our ornery partners until we get out of this cranky time.
Onto other news, be sure to keep a sharp eye on your Virgos as Saturn, Planet of Suck, has made an ungracious visit to our “Virgin” friends, and will be causing problems them. Oh, yeah. It’s going to be affecting Gemini, Sag and Pisces too—these folks will be aiding and abetting our Virgo friends over this next dreadful period, at the same time making things more frustrating as aider and abettors tend to do. Trust Sister Mary—tried and true Cancer.
Onward and Sideways into the week of October 7th-13th!
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Free from burdens many other signs will experience this week, Aries! The planets seemed to have passed you by and even the moon is looking the other way. However, you’re once again frustrated and this time, it’s likely to be in regards to matters of communication. Communication planet in Scorpio is making all signs talk as though they’re in film noir. Aries, who puts on the subtitles on the DVD just to ensure they don’t miss anything, and becomes severely annoyed if the film doesn’t explain every plot twist within the first fifteen minutes, is wont to crave the catharsis of a swift punch to a number of noses. Best course of action is to breathe deeply, lift flask, swallow deeply and continue on your merry way. Expect to run into an old friend this week—who may be the only one who knows what you’re going through. They may be the only one you can stand!
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus is irritated this week. Something simply didn’t go their way. Whether it was having to bail some Gemini out of a cash crisis (common to Saturn backlash) or fighting with a Sag over the headline color of the Excel spreadsheet (Libra/Leo time = stubborn motherfuckers), Taurus, you’re going to have to let this battle slide. Since we know you’re not so capable of letting it all go, practice that compromise thing you learned from Dr. Phil or whoever and give the Gemini some cash—but make them rake your lawn. Go ahead and let Sag go with fuchsia, even if you know burgundy is the way to go. Insist they buy you a mocha when the boss vomits all over their fuchsia-splashed atrocity. Then, you won’t even have to say “Told you so…” (like that would stop you!!! Xoxo). Believe it or not, this patience/compromise thing is essential as you’re going to be required to rely on these knuckleheads in upcoming waves of drama. Don’t get paranoid, they happen to everyone. But be nice to people who bug you.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
For the past few months, Gemini has been feeling as though a storm of whack has been encircling their heads. Wait. Gemini will always feel as though that is the case—but it’s gotten even worse since that Saturn cross-roads thing, which has got them feeling struck through the skull. Gemini, there isn’t much you can do to get out of this bout of bad luck except keep an eye on your wallet and keys, and don’t get caught without a condom. Not a good time for dealing with STD’s. Sag will look out for you, Pisces will seem to avoid you, but will continue to look out for you. Virgo will act as though they want nothing to do with you, but will come around needing your help at some point before the end of the week. Give it to them. They’ve helped you out a lot. You’re probably going to want to crash and burn, but Sister Mary doesn’t see that inhibiting you from going out to the bar on a Wednesday, anyway. Things look better by next weekend, so bite your lip and try to enjoy the ride. Might make from some good blogging.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Yep, yep…still got old Mars funking shit up in our realm this week. Fights with housemates are inevitable. If we happen to live alone, fights with pets are inevitable. Those extremely rare Cancerians who have no housemates or pets will find themselves viciously arguing with people from the past, who have forgotten we’ve ever existed and found the Facebook friend request to be random if not outright creepy. Cancerians this week are five times as likely to misinterpret something our friends or co-workers say that was NOT meant to be insulting, but we’re Cancers and can’t take it any other way. This will result in severe Drawing Into Shell, which will be good for work and creative endeavors. Giving the cold shoulder to people on G-Chat will mean stuff will actually get done this week, and allow us to clean up all the messes our distracted selves got us into last week. Next week, we’ll be out again to play and people will be glad, as they will miss us.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
The spirit of the legendary Anita Tension will be invoked by our luscious felines this week! Leo, you’ll find yourself more than ever needing compliments on everything from your work to your sudden lack of dandruff. Please be prepared that not everyone is aware of your change of shampoo and may even consider it an insult to you to bring it up. This is particularly true of matters of the heart for Leo, as Venus will continue to do the Return Waltz through their realm in the coming days. It’s been a hard year for Leo—try to be thankful that Saturn: Planet of Suck has finally moved onto Virgo and will leave you alone for the next dozen years or so. Particularly, Leo, if you’re involved with a Virgo, Pisces, Sagittarius or Gemini—be prepared that they’re not going to be doling out all the attention you seem to need so badly. They’re pretty wrapped up with their own garbage this week. You’d be better off seeking out your Aquarius buddies, and perhaps even a Capricorn or two. The Capricorn will listen briefly before slapping you out of it—and the Aquarius will simply be fun to hang with. Time will change your rotten tides. In the meantime, go do something scandalous. ;)
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The arrival of Planet Suck has already taken Virgo through the shock and denial phases, and now they’re deep into bargaining and anger. Virgo, you cannot bribe the Gods into increasing your cash flow or sex life. Well, perhaps you can, but you’re too intellectually charged to actually go out there and cut the head of the chicken to the drum beat (“Simply don’t see how this equates to effective action…”) The Cosmic disruptions as of late were sent to teach you patience. Yes, Virgo, you tend to be more patient than most, but this is to ensure that you don’t get lazy. Trust Sister Mary. There will be times in the coming weeks when you’re going to want to run your car through the side of the 7-11 rather than look for non-existent parking again. Yes. Planet of Suck inhibits the ability to find parking. Maybe you should stop driving. It’s better for the planet. Perhaps this whole mess is meant to get you to be more eco-friendly. Ponder this one while shelling out your hard earned, quickly diminishing cash at the pump. For non-drivers, bike instead of cab. Physical stuff is better for releasing your Virgo aggression, anyway.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libra, you’re happy. Everything is going your way, and that is precisely why we’re all avoiding you. The truth is, and we know it as well as you do, is that you’ve suddenly been given magic goggles to see where everyone around you is screwing up and you have no qualms about saying something. As much as we’re loathe to hear it, you’re absolutely correct—but don’t expect us to take it well. If we start to lash out at you, simply imagine us all in diapers with binkies and make us take a time out. Now is not the time to take shit personally—particularly when you’ve been going around exposing everyone for being dumbasses. Be prepared, however, to get what you put out there, and toward the end of the week, someone will correct you on one of your screw ups. You don’t have to admit they’re right to anyone but yourself. And it is all about you, anyway, right? Especially during your birthday time!!!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
If Scorpio isn’t caught playing King Arthur at a Medieval Faire, leading the Grail search re-enactment this weekend, they’re bound to be at home scouring their roommate’s collection of Crowley. Mercury coming through their sign has made them now more than ever determined to discover the secrets of the Universe—and they insist on having it done by Thursday. Scorpio is experiencing a rare stroke of wholeness and completion, which has further exacerbated their need to complicate things by rooting for new philosophical concepts with which to annoy and torture their partners and friends. Chances are, however, that this Mercury in Scorpio will allow others to have a rare clue about what cryptic Scorpio is talking about. Watch you don’t get too arrogant about people’s sudden connections with you. It’s not that they’re coming around to see your side, it’s that Mercury is a bastard that way. They’ll be off understanding Taurus or something next week and replacing you in your natural “no one understands me” state. Enjoy it while it lasts and enjoy the extra mead.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sag, your connection with this Saturn cross-roads is putting you back in that leadership position you tend to crave—until actually put in it. In addition to having to talk your Virgo and Gemini friends off the Chrysler building (Pisces prefers the padded cell), you’re still wrangling the Jupiter: Planet of Big, Weird Ideas influence that has been crawling up your slack leg for the past year. It’s almost over. Really. Try those deep breathing meditations you’ve been ignoring for awhile, since patience is essential. It’s not a good week to rely on Valium. You’re going to have too much to do to be distracted by hallucinated bunnies and sunshine. Like your friend Virgo, impulsive decisions will be costly and are guaranteed to drive up your insurance premiums.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Perhaps they’re feeling the brunt of so many other signs being slammed by the Cosmos, or perhaps they’re simply not getting enough attention, but the Flying Monkeys are reporting that we have a lot of unhappy Cappys this week. Some sort of inevitable disruption has taken place in the realm of our favorite goats. Perhaps they had to house a suddenly vagrant Gemini, or made the mistake (well-meaning, of course!) of coaxing a cranky Cancer out of their shell. Whatever Capricorn got themselves into with the purpose of making the world a shinier place, they certainly found themselves having to wade through a bunch more shit than they cared to deal with. Go ahead, Capricorn. For once, admit you made a mistake. Whether it be sticking our your hand to help, or your tongue to voice an opinion, take it back and say, “Oops!” You can do it. It’s just one syllable and mostly vowels, anyway. Back out and protect yourself. Queen Drama will be back with presents of your own, shortly.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
You know, part of the reason you’re off in Leary land most of the time is not because you dropped so much acid in college, it’s because Neptune has been in your sign since 1998. Did you know that? Mammy Superior severely flogged Sister Mary for forgetting to mention that you’re in a 13 year cycle of boundless love and limitless emotion. For those of you too young to remember much of 1997, these open ways and paths may seem natural to you Aquarius, and in many ways, they are. Do expect, however, that if you haven’t knocked someone up or yet acquired remote responsibilities, you’re going to need to figure that shit out roughly by 2011. That’s right. You’ll have one year of hard work before the meteor hits in 2012. This week, however, continue to keep in mind that a lot of your friends are in the crapper and need you to cheer them up. Most of them will seek you out, but in some cases, you’ll need to dig them out of their holes. Jump off the speaker and run out of the club to call your mopey friend and let them know what an awesome party they’re missing. If you don’t, they might think you don’t care and that certainly isn’t true. Make little ring-ding reminders on your IPhone if you have to. But don’t forget people this week.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
In addition to you having to deal with Virgo’s Saturn, the influence of Uranus (Planet of What the Fuck Just Happened, aka, “upheaval”) will become even more intense in the coming months. With the arrival of Sucky Saturn, Pisces has so far used this opportunity to swim back under their favorite rock or plastic plant. Maybe they even have one of those cool little aquarium divers to hide behind. Whatever the case may be, Pisces around the Universe are avoiding hurricane by delving deeply into their sub and unconsciousness. Unfortunately for them, but fortunately for the rest of us, Pisces will be called out of seclusion this week to make the pool safe for all Cosmic kiddies to play in. That’s what they do and can’t avoid it! It’s not going to be easy for them, and they’re likely to hide behind their favorite vices while having to face people (THESE kids will be the one to go to for illegal stimulation in the coming days), but will be presently surprised to find themselves making new connections with cool people, and strengthening ties once thought lost. Maybe your former boss didn’t hate you after all! Maybe they fired you in a moment of psychosis and you’ll get an apology—along with forty bucks. Wouldn’t that be nice? Buy Sister Mary dinner. Think of all she does for you.
That’s right! If you enjoy AstrologyExplained and want to help feed Sister Mary’s flying monkeys and help pay down Mammy Superior’s bar tab, your contributions make that possible. $1 is cool! $5, even cooler! $1,000 and Sister Mary will tell God what an awesome person you are and get you access to all the burlesque clubs in Heaven.
(Don’t tempt Sister Mary into starting a pledge drive…)
The time of Libra provides little fodder for the average smart-ass Nun Astrologer—it’s a time of balance, like the little scales that represent them. While Sag and Pisces, Gemini and psycho Scorpio break though the Universal Unconscious with quirks and wacky things galore, Libra resets its eccentricities before we get a moment to make fun of them. Libra time is one of bringing things into balance—organizing closets for winter, paying off a few more debts before the holidays begin, doning kelp wraps and chomping on beets to undo the summer’s fabulously toxic damage.
And yes! It’s time to celebrate that courageously well-balanced sign—the only one symbolized by something that doesn’t eat or screw—Libra!
First thing to remember about Libra, particularly since we’re in that time, is that you don’t want to forget a Libra’s birthday. If you do, they will be disappointed. If you do remember their birthday and don’t make it super cool with a trip to Six Flags and a lot of roses, they will be disappointed. A disappointed Libra is a horrible, horrible thing. Think about the cutest puppy in the world, and imagine it welping and crying because it’s sad. Try to add big cartoon teardrops if you can. Is that not the saddest image you’ve ever had? Well, it’s only half as sad as the sight of a disappointed Libra.
Libras are idealistic and true romantics. If you’re dating one, plan on doing the wooing thing more than you ever had to do for even the most precious Capricorn. They’ll reward you, though. Extremely loyal and supportive partners, Libras mate for life; in friendships and in romance. Many, however, seeking the glorious idyllic situation of fairytales, most are likely to partner more than once—but don’t ever fully disappear from their former lovers lives, melding the relationship into a glorious friendship.
The best and most frustrating thing about Libras is their ability to call bullshit. This is why we need them, and why we sometimes throw our cell phones in the Holy toilet when they call. No one delivers a realistic slap in the face like our buddy Libra, who listens well and thinks about all things before explaining to you that it’s not quite all about you—that you might just be screwing up—but will still go kick the ass of the douchebag who bothered you. Are you dating a Libra? Buy them presents, and don’t plan on this catch being all excited by your notions of orgy or poly. Trust Sister Mary—they’re monogamous and cheating is the biggest of all no-nos, followed immediately by lying and forgetting their birthday.
Libras, again, with their balance thing, are extremely practical—but “balance it out” by occasionally buying all kinds of shit they don’t need or can’t afford to keep from getting bored. They can be extremely meticulous most of the time, particularly about having a clean home, but balance it out with periods of extreme laziness. Sometimes they need to be encouraged to get out of their ruts and habits, and are often reluctant to bringing new things and influences into their lives, but once they do, embrace them wholeheartedly. Libras tend to keep small circles of friends, but keep them forever and don’t crave fame or notoriety, but a nice home with a traditional structure and usually kids. Libras approach their relationships as methodically as they approach their shopping. Romance, tradition and sentimentality. Plan on having to leaf through a dozen or so new scrapbooks your Libra puts together every week.
You know, Libras are the toughest signs to describe and pick on—because they’re just too damn balanced. They keep their quirks tucked in places Sister Mary doesn’t know about, or doesn’t care to discover. Which they probably won’t like so much, as Libras like attention as much as any of us. They also don’t like criticism. They like things to go their way, and will pout a bit when it doesn’t—quietly weighing the pros and cons of not getting what they want, and eventually accept it if no other options are available. They get mad, but they get over it.
Frankly, though. The Great Drunk In The Sky knew what He/She was doing when they made Libras. Someone has to keep the rest of us wackos from jumping off the planet.
A very happy birthday to the Libras who keep Sister Mary from being hauled away in a hand-cauldron: Bud, Jessica Elizabeth, Robin, Jethro, and Kanani. I LOVE YOU GUYS A LOT A LOT A LOT, LIKE A LOT!!!!!!!
This week, we’ll find that the commonly stubborn Libra qualities will be exacerbated by the Leo moon—these two influences also making mortals and non-mortals alike more obsessed with being the prettiest quill on the Cosmic porcupine. With Mars, warring planet, still camping out in Cancer this week—domestic quarrels will be on the rise. This alignment is likely to create the doorway for “Why didn’t you take the trash out?” conversations to quickly evolve into “What did you mean when you said last March that I’m insane????” Fortunately, planet of communication Mercury is coming through Scorpio this week, meaning we’ll all have the right amount of manipulative flattery to soothe our ornery partners until we get out of this cranky time.
Onto other news, be sure to keep a sharp eye on your Virgos as Saturn, Planet of Suck, has made an ungracious visit to our “Virgin” friends, and will be causing problems them. Oh, yeah. It’s going to be affecting Gemini, Sag and Pisces too—these folks will be aiding and abetting our Virgo friends over this next dreadful period, at the same time making things more frustrating as aider and abettors tend to do. Trust Sister Mary—tried and true Cancer.
Onward and Sideways into the week of October 7th-13th!
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Free from burdens many other signs will experience this week, Aries! The planets seemed to have passed you by and even the moon is looking the other way. However, you’re once again frustrated and this time, it’s likely to be in regards to matters of communication. Communication planet in Scorpio is making all signs talk as though they’re in film noir. Aries, who puts on the subtitles on the DVD just to ensure they don’t miss anything, and becomes severely annoyed if the film doesn’t explain every plot twist within the first fifteen minutes, is wont to crave the catharsis of a swift punch to a number of noses. Best course of action is to breathe deeply, lift flask, swallow deeply and continue on your merry way. Expect to run into an old friend this week—who may be the only one who knows what you’re going through. They may be the only one you can stand!
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus is irritated this week. Something simply didn’t go their way. Whether it was having to bail some Gemini out of a cash crisis (common to Saturn backlash) or fighting with a Sag over the headline color of the Excel spreadsheet (Libra/Leo time = stubborn motherfuckers), Taurus, you’re going to have to let this battle slide. Since we know you’re not so capable of letting it all go, practice that compromise thing you learned from Dr. Phil or whoever and give the Gemini some cash—but make them rake your lawn. Go ahead and let Sag go with fuchsia, even if you know burgundy is the way to go. Insist they buy you a mocha when the boss vomits all over their fuchsia-splashed atrocity. Then, you won’t even have to say “Told you so…” (like that would stop you!!! Xoxo). Believe it or not, this patience/compromise thing is essential as you’re going to be required to rely on these knuckleheads in upcoming waves of drama. Don’t get paranoid, they happen to everyone. But be nice to people who bug you.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
For the past few months, Gemini has been feeling as though a storm of whack has been encircling their heads. Wait. Gemini will always feel as though that is the case—but it’s gotten even worse since that Saturn cross-roads thing, which has got them feeling struck through the skull. Gemini, there isn’t much you can do to get out of this bout of bad luck except keep an eye on your wallet and keys, and don’t get caught without a condom. Not a good time for dealing with STD’s. Sag will look out for you, Pisces will seem to avoid you, but will continue to look out for you. Virgo will act as though they want nothing to do with you, but will come around needing your help at some point before the end of the week. Give it to them. They’ve helped you out a lot. You’re probably going to want to crash and burn, but Sister Mary doesn’t see that inhibiting you from going out to the bar on a Wednesday, anyway. Things look better by next weekend, so bite your lip and try to enjoy the ride. Might make from some good blogging.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Yep, yep…still got old Mars funking shit up in our realm this week. Fights with housemates are inevitable. If we happen to live alone, fights with pets are inevitable. Those extremely rare Cancerians who have no housemates or pets will find themselves viciously arguing with people from the past, who have forgotten we’ve ever existed and found the Facebook friend request to be random if not outright creepy. Cancerians this week are five times as likely to misinterpret something our friends or co-workers say that was NOT meant to be insulting, but we’re Cancers and can’t take it any other way. This will result in severe Drawing Into Shell, which will be good for work and creative endeavors. Giving the cold shoulder to people on G-Chat will mean stuff will actually get done this week, and allow us to clean up all the messes our distracted selves got us into last week. Next week, we’ll be out again to play and people will be glad, as they will miss us.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
The spirit of the legendary Anita Tension will be invoked by our luscious felines this week! Leo, you’ll find yourself more than ever needing compliments on everything from your work to your sudden lack of dandruff. Please be prepared that not everyone is aware of your change of shampoo and may even consider it an insult to you to bring it up. This is particularly true of matters of the heart for Leo, as Venus will continue to do the Return Waltz through their realm in the coming days. It’s been a hard year for Leo—try to be thankful that Saturn: Planet of Suck has finally moved onto Virgo and will leave you alone for the next dozen years or so. Particularly, Leo, if you’re involved with a Virgo, Pisces, Sagittarius or Gemini—be prepared that they’re not going to be doling out all the attention you seem to need so badly. They’re pretty wrapped up with their own garbage this week. You’d be better off seeking out your Aquarius buddies, and perhaps even a Capricorn or two. The Capricorn will listen briefly before slapping you out of it—and the Aquarius will simply be fun to hang with. Time will change your rotten tides. In the meantime, go do something scandalous. ;)
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The arrival of Planet Suck has already taken Virgo through the shock and denial phases, and now they’re deep into bargaining and anger. Virgo, you cannot bribe the Gods into increasing your cash flow or sex life. Well, perhaps you can, but you’re too intellectually charged to actually go out there and cut the head of the chicken to the drum beat (“Simply don’t see how this equates to effective action…”) The Cosmic disruptions as of late were sent to teach you patience. Yes, Virgo, you tend to be more patient than most, but this is to ensure that you don’t get lazy. Trust Sister Mary. There will be times in the coming weeks when you’re going to want to run your car through the side of the 7-11 rather than look for non-existent parking again. Yes. Planet of Suck inhibits the ability to find parking. Maybe you should stop driving. It’s better for the planet. Perhaps this whole mess is meant to get you to be more eco-friendly. Ponder this one while shelling out your hard earned, quickly diminishing cash at the pump. For non-drivers, bike instead of cab. Physical stuff is better for releasing your Virgo aggression, anyway.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libra, you’re happy. Everything is going your way, and that is precisely why we’re all avoiding you. The truth is, and we know it as well as you do, is that you’ve suddenly been given magic goggles to see where everyone around you is screwing up and you have no qualms about saying something. As much as we’re loathe to hear it, you’re absolutely correct—but don’t expect us to take it well. If we start to lash out at you, simply imagine us all in diapers with binkies and make us take a time out. Now is not the time to take shit personally—particularly when you’ve been going around exposing everyone for being dumbasses. Be prepared, however, to get what you put out there, and toward the end of the week, someone will correct you on one of your screw ups. You don’t have to admit they’re right to anyone but yourself. And it is all about you, anyway, right? Especially during your birthday time!!!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
If Scorpio isn’t caught playing King Arthur at a Medieval Faire, leading the Grail search re-enactment this weekend, they’re bound to be at home scouring their roommate’s collection of Crowley. Mercury coming through their sign has made them now more than ever determined to discover the secrets of the Universe—and they insist on having it done by Thursday. Scorpio is experiencing a rare stroke of wholeness and completion, which has further exacerbated their need to complicate things by rooting for new philosophical concepts with which to annoy and torture their partners and friends. Chances are, however, that this Mercury in Scorpio will allow others to have a rare clue about what cryptic Scorpio is talking about. Watch you don’t get too arrogant about people’s sudden connections with you. It’s not that they’re coming around to see your side, it’s that Mercury is a bastard that way. They’ll be off understanding Taurus or something next week and replacing you in your natural “no one understands me” state. Enjoy it while it lasts and enjoy the extra mead.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sag, your connection with this Saturn cross-roads is putting you back in that leadership position you tend to crave—until actually put in it. In addition to having to talk your Virgo and Gemini friends off the Chrysler building (Pisces prefers the padded cell), you’re still wrangling the Jupiter: Planet of Big, Weird Ideas influence that has been crawling up your slack leg for the past year. It’s almost over. Really. Try those deep breathing meditations you’ve been ignoring for awhile, since patience is essential. It’s not a good week to rely on Valium. You’re going to have too much to do to be distracted by hallucinated bunnies and sunshine. Like your friend Virgo, impulsive decisions will be costly and are guaranteed to drive up your insurance premiums.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Perhaps they’re feeling the brunt of so many other signs being slammed by the Cosmos, or perhaps they’re simply not getting enough attention, but the Flying Monkeys are reporting that we have a lot of unhappy Cappys this week. Some sort of inevitable disruption has taken place in the realm of our favorite goats. Perhaps they had to house a suddenly vagrant Gemini, or made the mistake (well-meaning, of course!) of coaxing a cranky Cancer out of their shell. Whatever Capricorn got themselves into with the purpose of making the world a shinier place, they certainly found themselves having to wade through a bunch more shit than they cared to deal with. Go ahead, Capricorn. For once, admit you made a mistake. Whether it be sticking our your hand to help, or your tongue to voice an opinion, take it back and say, “Oops!” You can do it. It’s just one syllable and mostly vowels, anyway. Back out and protect yourself. Queen Drama will be back with presents of your own, shortly.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
You know, part of the reason you’re off in Leary land most of the time is not because you dropped so much acid in college, it’s because Neptune has been in your sign since 1998. Did you know that? Mammy Superior severely flogged Sister Mary for forgetting to mention that you’re in a 13 year cycle of boundless love and limitless emotion. For those of you too young to remember much of 1997, these open ways and paths may seem natural to you Aquarius, and in many ways, they are. Do expect, however, that if you haven’t knocked someone up or yet acquired remote responsibilities, you’re going to need to figure that shit out roughly by 2011. That’s right. You’ll have one year of hard work before the meteor hits in 2012. This week, however, continue to keep in mind that a lot of your friends are in the crapper and need you to cheer them up. Most of them will seek you out, but in some cases, you’ll need to dig them out of their holes. Jump off the speaker and run out of the club to call your mopey friend and let them know what an awesome party they’re missing. If you don’t, they might think you don’t care and that certainly isn’t true. Make little ring-ding reminders on your IPhone if you have to. But don’t forget people this week.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
In addition to you having to deal with Virgo’s Saturn, the influence of Uranus (Planet of What the Fuck Just Happened, aka, “upheaval”) will become even more intense in the coming months. With the arrival of Sucky Saturn, Pisces has so far used this opportunity to swim back under their favorite rock or plastic plant. Maybe they even have one of those cool little aquarium divers to hide behind. Whatever the case may be, Pisces around the Universe are avoiding hurricane by delving deeply into their sub and unconsciousness. Unfortunately for them, but fortunately for the rest of us, Pisces will be called out of seclusion this week to make the pool safe for all Cosmic kiddies to play in. That’s what they do and can’t avoid it! It’s not going to be easy for them, and they’re likely to hide behind their favorite vices while having to face people (THESE kids will be the one to go to for illegal stimulation in the coming days), but will be presently surprised to find themselves making new connections with cool people, and strengthening ties once thought lost. Maybe your former boss didn’t hate you after all! Maybe they fired you in a moment of psychosis and you’ll get an apology—along with forty bucks. Wouldn’t that be nice? Buy Sister Mary dinner. Think of all she does for you.
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