Sunday, June 24, 2007

Dip in the Bayou.....

Hello all,

I am freshly exhausted from my voyage to New Orleans to encourage the saints to be more like the sinners. As it turns out, there was little work for me to do! While worshipping the holy Captain Morgan, I decided to extend my missionary vacation into this evening, and re-publish an interview I conducted with the astrological signs about a year ago, on my last trip through the Cosmos in the Golden Cauldron of Debauchery. I realize this doesn't wholly make up for a loss of Universal Wizdumb, but perhaps you will find a chuckle or two, instead.

Enjoy! I will return next week with a dedication to our favorite whiner, Cancer the Crab.

SMM

DON'T FORGET! YOU HAVE PLANS WITH ME FOR SATURDAY!!!
The Ass-tro Hour: with The Great Sin-Off
Saturday, June 30th
8:00 PM
Stain Bar
$FREE

Take your chance to confess your dirtiest at this public, live confessional. Audience will vote for the greatest sinner and the winner gets a prize package of shit you'll need in hell!!!

Plus, Sister Mary will also give the winner a personalized zodiac portrait!

stain
766 grand street
brooklyn, ny 11211
(L to Grand, 1 block west)
718/387-7840
www.stainbar.com


We all talk about the Zodiac. It's even been said that Astrology is the one true "unofficial" religion of the United States of America. But has anyone ever asked the constellations how they view themselves? What they think of their images? Never in my memory. It's time someone did, and who better than your local Sister of Sensual Salvation.

I asked each of the signs how they would describe themselves and here are my profoundly interesting results:

Aries: What is this for? You're doing this all wrong. Who told you to do it this way? They suck. So do you. Let me show you how to do it.

Taurus: Why does everyone say I'm so pushy and greedy? And why is Aries first?

Gemini: Me? Oh, you know what? I was just talking about myself to someone the other day. We were at this comet festival with the Black Hole guy and he was saying…..

Cancer: I would love to explain myself. But you wouldn't understand.

Leo: I rock! I'm hot! I'm the sexiest motherfucking sign around! Why, why do you ask? Did someone say something? What did you hear? Wait, where are you going?

Virgo: I'm not into astrology.

Libra: Everyone loves me! Everyone wants to hang out with a Libra. The only signs that don't like to hang out with me have something very, very wrong with them. And I'm going to fix each of them until they love me.

Scorpio: I wholeheartedly deny the existence of said "zodiac" and the pseudo-science known as "astrology" until they give me my planet back.

Sagittarius: Astrology is horseshit….but what does it say about Sag?

Capricorn: Ummm….I don't know. I try to get into astrology, but just doesn't really make a lot of sense.

Aquarius: (Did not show up for interview.)

Pisces: Define myself? What—are you trying to stick me in a box? Screw you.

That's what they said!

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Sister Mary Does the Meme

I’m going to break character here for a brief moment. I was MEMED by Becky Comtois. For those of you just now joining us, the MEME is a tech-savy chain letter where you get a chance to talk about yourself even more in your blog. You do it when you’re tagged by someone else’s blog. The theme of this MEME is “Eight Things You Probably Don’t Know About Me.” Then, you have to tag eight people to do the same! It’s a brilliant move on the part of Google to gather even more information about us to better enable them to sell us crap we don’t need.

So, here goes:

1.) Sister Mary Manhattan was a name I used in bars in New London, CT, when flirting with sailors. At the time, my life was so frustrating and confusing, it was much more fun to tell people I was a nun than an unemployed, blocked-fiction writer. It made the sailors angry, sometimes. They’d buy me drinks in hopes of getting me loopy enough to tell the truth. It never worked, but I appreciated the free booze. When I came back to New York, I still called myself Sister Mary and it became my pet name from two different guys I later dated—one of whom encouraged me to make a MySpace page for her. She attracted a devout following of Wiccans, Satan Worshipers and Miscreants that grew so quickly it scared the hell out of me. I hid from her followers for about six months. When I began AstrologyExplained, I decided to give the character another try. Her original following has since diminished—seeing her in the flesh just wasn’t as exciting, I guess—but her new followers seem to love the Astrologer Nun in fishnets and a rhinestone-studded habit and they don’t frighten me.

2.) I c-c-c-canNOT stop listening to Tom Waits’s “New Coat of Paint.” Don’t even bother saying that it’s not his best album. Don’t remind me that it’s not him singing. I don’t care. I can’t turn it off. Friends gave me an intervention. I went to hypnotherapy. I have a patch. Doesn’t matter. Can’t stop. I’m listening to it right now. Leave me alone.

3.) I have irrational phobias. I fear falling through subway grates and being electrocuted by metal plates in the sidewalk. If you walk down the street with me, you’ll notice me walking around these things. I also fear scorpions and tarantulas. Although I’ve never lived in a climate where these creatures could survive, I fear finding one in my bed or shoe.

4.) I have a ghost I call Walter, who “lives” in my closet. We’ve finally accepted each other. He’s only really active when I have women friends come by. His favorites are Steph, Rebekah and Izzy—all of whom have either seen and/or heard him knock stuff around to get their attention.

5.) My apartment is a woo-woo battleground. Staunch skeptics have entered my pad, seen things and ran away believers. (They never do come back, though.) I’ve designated it as a place for Fairies, who do not get along with Angels. Angels don’t like being told they can’t come in somewhere. There are lots of good Angels out there, please don’t get me wrong. Many have helped me and I appreciate them. But I’ve often experienced them to be rather haughty and bitchy to other spiritual beings. I prefer Fairies because they’re fun and warn you when necessary, but step out of the way to let you learn your own lessons. They do hide your stuff, though, which gets old. Neither the Fairies or Angels get along well with the Native Spirits of Manhattan Island. I’m working to fix this last part.

6.) My building is full of Santaria. At any given time, there are a whole host of dead Dominicans and island Saints running up and down the halls and stairs. They’re attracted to parties, so if you’ve ever attended a party at my place, you’ve almost certainly shared the couch with one of neighbor’s ancestors. Don’t get scared. They’re usually pretty cool and just want to have a little fun, too. But they don’t always mix well with Fairies, either. Yeah. It gets kind of rowdy at my place.

7.) I do not do drugs. Nope. Not even pot.

8.) Failure is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Last year, I left my job in Connecticut and moved back to New York to try to get into graduate school for creative writing, shacking up with an 87 year old beauty queen. I dropped most of my savings in travel to these places, application fees, GRE testing and materials, etc. etc. Oh yeah. And I ran into the Greatest Writing Block Of All Time. I would try to write, and would cry on the paper or keyboard instead. I applied to ten schools and was accepted by none. But being nearly broke, seemingly out of options and having had my fears of being talent-less confirmed was…liberating. If I was truly a talent-less failure, I might as well have fun failing and sucking at everything. Right? Turns out that just doing it and not trying so hard to be good at it makes you better. Suddenly, I could write. Suddenly, I could also play guitar, sort of, and be funny onstage. Sort of. Astrology! Who would have thought? I’ve got a following now, a column in the Bakespace.com newsletter and fiction editors have begun requesting my work. I have the best day job I could ask for and a fantastic apartment—both of which I received within days of the final rejection letter. Granted, if this was my rock bottom, I do recognize that my personal rock-bottom was lined with fluffy, fuzzy pillows, I do believe that when things fall apart, you can finally laugh at yourself and get back up stronger. I wish everyone such a successful failure. I have yet to successfully fail with men, though. Working on that. :)

One of the above pieces of information is drastically exaggerated. Can you guess which one?

Now, I tag the following 8 people! Many of these are MySpace bloggers…but that’s okay. Meredith, Robin, Kanani, Tony, Kirk, Teresa, Liz, and Nola.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Remember the end of “The Shawshank Redemption?” when Tim Robbins is standing in a river of poo-poo and praising the rain that he finally got out? That’s what’s going to happen to you this week, Fiery Ram of Hell. You’re finally going to give up, give in, or get out. Also at the end of “Shawshank,” Tim Robbins gets to go hang out with his best friend, Morgan Freeman on the beach in Mexico. You need to end this week in this method, with someone you’re crazy about. Seriously. No, seriously. Leave. Go to Mexico. Please don’t take this personally, but we’re quite tired of your wretched attitude and want you to go take some time in the sun with your shmoopy. Get drunk. Get laid. Come back in a better mood.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Oh boy! This is tremendously exciting. Ed McMahon is on his way to your house with a bunch of balloons and a big, fat cardboard check which the government plans to keep anyway!!! That’s got to be true for someone, somewhere. And that person is a Taurus. For the rest of the Tauruses, you may not get that big bracket jump this week, but something’s going to come your way at least a little brag-worthy. The bad news is that you’re probably not going to want to take this opportunity. Getting offered the lead role in a triple-X thriller entitled “Rear Entry” does indeed mean that you have a great ass. That’s brag-worthy. However, the work itself could provide…um…discomfort, maybe? Oh, hell. If you’re into that, go for it. You’ll never have so much fun making so much cash.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
When the voices in your head get too loud, it’s time for some medication. If they won’t give you drugs, try meditation. It’s free, and you can do it from home. Within the chaos that is the infernal dance party of your mind, the mousy little voices of reason and intuition got crushed under the stiletto heels of paranoia, narcissism and “gimme gimme gimme all kinds of shit I don’t need.” Whether or not your Gemini birthday bash was quite as exciting as that of your subconscious, you’re suffering from some sort of hangover and it’s completely your own fault. You had a funny feeling that drinking the Kool-aid at that last cult meeting was a bad idea…but you went ahead and did it and now you’re paying the sickening consequences. Try to turn down the music in your brain and give some time to reason and intuition. I think it’s the only way to get yourself out of your latest jam.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Oh good…changes and shifts. Because it’s oh, so easy for a good Cancer to unhinge the claws and pull away happily—particular in matters of the heart. (I type in molasses-thick sarcasm.) But, guess what? Retrograde has slammed into every part of our lives with such a force that what I typed above is actually true. Those of you who date or partner with a Cancer will be shocked to find us uncharacteristically un-clingy, uninterested in enabling your vices, and not manipulating you with a crying jag session. This is because we’re too busy cleaning up the messes in our personal and professional lives. To my fellow Crabby Babies: we’re getting worn out hitting pothole after pothole on this current stretch of cosmic highway. The good news is that with each thud, our own universal vehicles grow stronger. A good giggle is required to get through these times. We’ll have so much fodder to use on the crowd at our mojito-laced birthday bashes next month!

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leo—this week you will meet a dashing stranger with at least a quarter million in the bank and they want to spend it all on you. I’m not sure if this is true for all Leos, but there is one lucky Leo out there who will indeed score in this fashion. Other Leos, you too will find yourself wrapped in some sort of delicious partnership. We know, you romantic beast you, that you’re hoping for this to be Harlequin-paper back worthy, but this is likely to be a creative, business or even platonic friendship. In any case, you’re going to be feeling good and looking better as a result of this collaboration. Just don’t disappear into it—again. Your other friends will be jealous and won’t invite you over for poker anymore. That might hurt your feelings.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgo children across the Universe are running around the cosmic backyards swiping at fireflies, only to find that they’re catching nasty, biting critters with no ass-lights. All the other children are going to bed with jars of pretty bugs to light up their rooms, but not Virgo. Pretty Virgins—the Universe is eliminating the distractions in order for you to go in and work on you. Accept that in the coming weeks your pick-ups lines will fail. Orchestrating social events will end up in numerous cancellations. No one will stop to even listen to your snake-oil pitch. Being a Virgo, you’ll panic and try to analyze your way out of this boring time. Instead, analyze you! You’re thinking, “Me? I don’t even know where to begin.” I suggest making a list. Virgos like lists. This list should detail all of the qualities Virgo would like to strengthen in the coming months. Keep it on your fridge and check each one off as it’s completed. Reward yourself with a Jolly Rancher for every lovely item you let shine in your lives.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libra doesn’t like secrets. Libra loathes surprise. Well, it’s not that they wouldn’t enjoy the attention a good surprise party will bring, but they’d rather know about it and buy all the “right” food and invite the “right” people and pretend to be surprised on the big day. Got a Libra kid? Plan that they’re going to slit open the Christmas presents to see if they got what they wanted and tape them back up. Because of their hatred for the unknown, Libras are in a tizzy this week. They are not in control of everything in their immediate vicinity and it’s making them crazy. Libra, when this matter finally settles, it may not be to your liking. Instead of sinking into your disappointment quicksand again, see that not getting your way may be leaving open doors for the Universe to bring along surprises you may enjoy even more! I know, I know, the surprise gift isn’t your thing. But the Universe is better at hiding gifts than your Mom was. There will be no way to snoop around this.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Ruled by the genitals (I didn’t make that up. It’s a cosmic truth), Scorpio is often consumed by where they’re going to stick it/take it. This week, it’s still true. If they’re in a relationship, Sinatra songs have been playing in the background. If they’re merely stalking their next co-dependent victim, said person will finally flash a smile in Scorpio’s general direction. However, Scorpio is going to freak out when said situation suddenly freezes up toward the end of the week. You are strongly encouraged not to freak out. This person’s sudden flip in interest is not because they don’t think you’re the sexiest motherfucker around, it’s because they probably got slammed by the Retrograde and are dealing with its cataclysmic after effects. Is this person a Cancer? Even more true. Really. It’s not you. It is them. Avoid chain smoking and over indulgence at the bar. It won’t turn around this person’s situation and will affect your health in a negative fashion.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sag, your recent roller coaster of a life is finally going to make a little more sense. For the past few weeks, you’ve been putting out so many little wacky brushfires, you haven’t had a chance to stop and figure out who or what has been starting them! Good news, kids! This week, the cosmic arsonist in your life will reveal itself. Sagittarius deals with attack in one of two ways: 1.) Curling up in a fetal position under their bed and waiting for it all to go away. 2.) Tearing sixty new assholes in whatever screwed with them. I see the majority of Sags going with Door Number Two, this week. That is, if they don’t get distracted by the pretty bells and shiny beads on Door Number One. No, Sag. Don’t go with the shiny.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Very interesting…when Polar Opposite Cancer shed its usual tendencies to cling and fuse to friends and lovers, Capricorn picked them up. Normally independent and secure Capricorn is going to be doing the, “Why don’t we ever talk anymore, honey?” routine which will confuse the hell out whoever they’re seeing. If they’re not seeing anyone, they’re frantically text messaging best friends from bathrooms across the Cosmos, having taken things their co-worker said far too personally. Capricorn, embracing your polar opposite is normally something that strengthens—but not when you embrace your polar opposite’s frantic, co-dependant weaknesses. Slow down. Deep, cleansing breaths. Remember that golden string from your acting class, connecting you to the Heavens. These things will make you far sexier to the person you like so much. ;)

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
When your roommate’s sixteen Bulgarian relatives came in for the weekend, you assumed the weekend would end on Monday, correct? Wrong. Turns out they weren’t even from Bulgaria—but from some other vaguely European country the name of which you can’t even pronounce and now there’s visa issues and they can’t leave. The problem is that your name isn’t even on the lease. You may even be an alien yourself (legal, illegal or extra-terrestrial) and perhaps saying something means your ass is going back to Mars. They’re really cracking down on this kind of stuff these days. Whatever strange string of events has locked you in this closet, there isn’t a whole lot you can do about it. Laugh at these quirky times. Write about it, if you get a chance to focus for three minutes. Let these wacky events influence your brilliant creative process. That’s probably all that they’re going to be good for, so you might as well take advantage.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Oh, you poor thing. Just when you thought it couldn’t possibly get worse, Worse showed up your stoop and tapdanced for a couple of days. What bastard Worse can be. Pisces has been feeling as though whenever something just starts to go right, it all falls apart. This nasty fact happens to be a Fucked-Up-Fact-Of-Life, but it’s been particularly evident in the lives of the Dual-Fishes this year. Pisces is wont to hide in the face of disaster and as a Cancer, I thoroughly relate. However, while you’re tucked away in your safety place, know that not all opportunities are open to you, not all open opportunities are appropriate, and new opportunities are born in a loss. You are not being judged as critically by others as you are by the nasty judges in your own head. This dark time will pass, but unfortunately, you’re going to have to weather it alone. Take it as a good thing. When taking passengers on stormy seas, you drastically increase the chances that they will get seasick and puke all over your bare feet. Ew.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Hail to your friends…the GEMINI TWINS!!!

Ah, June. School’s finally out—if you’re into that. Work slows down for a lot of us doing the 9-5 since most people are fleeing to the coasts. Or…work finally speeds the hell up for those of us who depend on the summer months for the majority of our incomes! In all situations, hooray! But hooray most of all for the birthdays of the glorious Gemini Twins! They throw fabulous parties.

Yes, kids. It’s time to celebrate the births of the fast talking, brightly spirited rogues and rebels we know as Gemini. If you don’t have any Gemini friends, I’m pretty sure your social circle sucks. These little imps are the spicy jewels necessary to keep the conversation running. Ruled by the planet Mercury (named for the trickster/messenger God of communication), not only are they the ones to always have a story to tell—they’re also the ones who will play Diplomat and reconcile differences between those friends of yours who periodically stop speaking to one another. They’re absolutely essential for those of us who like to play Switzerland in these situations.

Lovers of words and thoughts, Geminis are often writers, but would prefer the blog to the private journal beneath the mattress. They like to share thoughts and ideas and are quick to soak up the ideas of others, more often incorporating them into their own as a brand new idea merged of two is preferable to an argument over who’s right. Many Geminis find themselves working in the television or radio stations, or in any medium where thoughts can be honed and shared. Mercury also governs the scholastics, and job wise, many Geminis will find themselves quite at home in the lecture hall or classroom. Gemini loves to learn more than Gemini loves to be in charge and is more concerned with learning than with being the smartest ass in the room. That bright, nutty professor with seventeen degrees in subjects that have no relation to one another? Probably a Gemini. Good listeners and quick to forgive, Geminis generally have numerous healthy friendships.

Geminis are too damn smart and too easily bored to have less than six practicing interests at any one time. Leisure time is spent fixing something—broken or not. If you have a Gemini kid, keep crayons or play-doh or something nearby all the time. Plugging them into a DVD will not work. They are active creatures who need constant, physical or mental stimulation, or they will start climbing roofs or something.

Nowhere is this more true than in their relationships. Geminis can expect to have several partners in their lifetimes, due to this head-snapping trait they have of always looking for the next fascinating specimen. If you’re a poly-amorous type, a Gemini would be great company. If you’ve always wondered about that orgy thing…your Gemini won’t just go along, they’re also the most likely to fully enjoy the experience, viewing the inclusion of extra lovers as “the more the merrier!” and would be less inclined to feel jealousy. However, they would need to know that they are indeed the primary partner (if they are, that is…) because although they are fiercely social and dynamically independent seeming creatures, remember that their sign is a pair of naked brats. Most Geminis spend their lives feeling that they are without their soul-mate and part of their chronic searching is for that better-ish half. If you are dating a Gemini and would like to keep them around and keep them from whining, remind them how completely awesome they are on a regular basis and be prepared to drop your extra-lover time in a moment’s notice if they need you. As a whole, though, Gemini will love the company of your friends and family and don’t feel inclined to be jealous of them if you run off to spend time with them.

(Please note: not ALL Geminis are poly-amorous. Not all would be into orgies. Sister Mary Manhattan takes no responsibility for any trouble you get yourself into if you approach the wrong Gemini with these ideas.)

Unfortunately, most Geminis do not find what they’re looking for. Geminis have to work on being present and striving to find the gifts in what they already have to minimize these “missing out on something better” feelings. Even if it was sitting right in front of them and barking up to high Hell, they’d probably look right past it, saying, “Couldn’t possibly be it. I KNOW that Hell Hound has to be fiercer...” Of course, this leads to thoroughly fascinating, although excruciatingly frustrating lives for themselves and pretty much everyone else around them, too. Gemini often feels taken for granted or taken advantage of. That’s because they often are taken for such things—their generous and trusting natures too often used against them. Oh yeah. And the personality shift thing. An unhealthy Gemini may appear bi-polar or seem to carry around a lot of multiple personalities. By focusing on completing the brilliant projects they’ve begun, or pulling that pretty sheen off everything they see, Geminis can lead extremely fulfilling, pulp-novel worthy lives the rest of us envy!

With that, Sister Mary sends a big, fat HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY to the Geminis of the Convent of Sensual Salvation: Tiffster the Hipster, the Irreverant Lady Miss Fern de Fay, Flipster, Andrew Katz of the Smokin’ Howl Boys, Foster (aka One Of The Sexiest Men Of All Eternity) and Altar Boy Jimmy: instrumental in making the Ass-tro Hour happen.
Okay, kids. Time for a slight change of pace….

For the week of June 11-17…you each get a Runestone to meditate on! After months of me telling you why you’re such a crazy bitch or bastard, you get to hear what you can do to fix it!!! Or how you plan to ignore it. Depending on your sign.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Berkana: Growth
A rune that leads to blossoming and ripening, Berkana is concerned with the flow of beings into their new forms. Its action is gentle, penetrating and pervasive.
Penetrating. Can’t be all bad.
Can’t hold back the tide, Aries. Can’t do all kinds of cliché catch phrases that basically mean: you do not hold the reins of the world and you never, ever will. Argumentative Aries is reading my interpretation and saying, “I don’t think it means that, Sister Mary.” Well, fuck. Even if it doesn’t, you just can’t control what is not yours to control. Besides, things of quality take awhile. Look at fast food versus roast turkey. If you say fast food is better, your priorities are screwed. Think about it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Gebo: Partnership
A partnership is at hand. In love relationships, in business matters, in partnering of every kind, you are put on notice not to collapse yourself into that union. For true partnership is achieved only by separation, even as they unite. Remember to let the winds of Heaven dance between you.
Hear that, Taurus? You’ve got a new lover—so don’t get upset if they don’t call. You never know who died. That sounds dark, but it’s true. Give the person the benefit of the doubt. Co-dependence has never been healthy, it’s more like your Spenda addiction. Tastes real sweet, but we’ll probably hear soon that it fuses to your kidneys and causes scary kinds of cancer. Drink water to keep things flowing. And give your lover (almost typed liver. There must be something to that.) some space.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Ehwaz: Movement (reversed)
Movement that appears to block. Ehwaz-reversed cautions that you e certain that what you are doing—or not doing—is timely. There are no missed opportunities. You have to simply realize that not all opportunities are open to you, that not all opportunities are appropriate. The opportunity at hand may be precisely to avoid action.
Ha ha ha!!! Just like I said. You are not missing out on anything, crack-head. That person you’ve been messaging on eHarmony—who has suddenly stopped responding and you’re all upset about it? They’re probably a crack-head, too. You’re saying, “But we had this connection…” No you didn’t. You never even met this person. In fact, they probably work for eHarmony and are paid to lead people on just to keep their subscriptions rolling. They’re dealing with enormous guilt at having to lead you on, but hey—they’ve got to feed their illegitimate children somehow. It’s better than hooking. Quit wasting your money on internet dating, anyway.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Algiz: Protection
Control of the emotions is at issue here. During times of transition, shifts in life course and accelerated self-change, it is important not to collapse yourself into your emotions, the highs as well as the lows. New opportunities and challenges are typical of this Rune. And with them may come trespasses and unwanted influences.
Oh, fuck THAT shit. I’m going to cry as much as I want about whatever I want to and I encourage all Cancerians to do the very same. Collapsing into our lows is quite healthy, thank you very much. Ice cream has calcium and calcium builds bones. Alcohol is cleansing. It’s an internal antiseptic. Fine. We won’t take it out on anyone else. Don’t worry Cancerians. As I’ve said before, they don’t understand us and they never will. You guys can come over and we can nit-pick all of Their faults and enable each others’ wounds. Bring pizza. And tissues.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Uruz: Strength (reversed)
Without ears to hear and eyes to see, you may fail to take advantage of the moment. The result could well be an opportunity missed or the weakening of your position. It may seem that your own strength is being used against you.
Who? Who fucked with my Leos? I hate them.
Eh.
Part of your cycle of crash, rise triumphant, crash again. Don’t treat all failures the same. Sorry. Didn’t mean to use the f word. You didn’t fail. They failed you. That’s right. They were just being mean and taking out their bad insecurities on you. Yes, Leo. No one is as awesome as you. It didn’t suck nearly as bad as you think it did. Fuck. Didn’t I just say this to you, last week? And the week before? What is it with you? No, that’s enough. I’m stopping this reading now.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Berkana: Growth (reversed)
Berkana reversed indicates that events or, more likely, aspects of character interfere with the growth of new life. You may feel dismay at failing to take right action. But rather than dismay, what is called for here is diligence. Examine what has occurred, your role in it, your needs, the needs of other people. Are you placing your wants before the needs of others?
Hmmm? Are you? Hmmm? Virgo, we could all stand to learn from your example. You’re brilliant, you’re perfect, blah blah-de-blah. But you climbing up on that goddamned pulpit makes us less inclined to listen to you. There is nothing you can do to stop the madness. We are all perfectly capable of making our own mistakes. In fact, some of us make them two or three times just to make sure we did them wrong enough. Let us run around into some brick walls a few times. If you stand there and lecture us, I guarantee we’re just going to do it anyway. And then we’ll blame you. Go away. Eat a bagel or something. You look pale.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Othila: Separation (reversed)
Othila reversed cautions that this is not a time to be bound by old conditioning, old authority. Consider not only what will benefit you but what will benefit others, and act according to the light you possess no in your life. Because you may be called upon to undertake a radical departure from old ways, total honesty is required. Otherwise, through negligence or refusal to see clearly, you may cause pain to others and damage to yourself.
I just want to send you to Virgo’s reading. But I know you’ll pout if you don’t get your own. Just stay out of it. No, really. Don’t get involved. It’s not your place; they’re not going to listen to you, anyway. Go take Virgo out for a milkshake and you can both argue about what everyone else should be doing. The rest of us will videotape and take bets on exactly how long it’s going to take Libra to chuck that milkshake down the front of Virgo’s buttoned-down shirt. It’s good to leave people to their own vices. (No, that was not a typ-o. I said vice, and meant it.) Oh, yeah. And the honesty thing. I think you should hold a press conference for all of your friends and say to them that you ARE removing yourself from the situation, and give a PowerPoint presentation as to WHY. They won’t listen, as I said before, but they’ll enjoy the pretty colors on the slides and you’ll at least feel settled inside.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Dagaz: Breakthrough
A major shift or breakthrough in the process of self-change, a complete transformation in attitude, a 180 degree turn. For some, the transition is so radical that they are not longer able to live the ordinary life in the ordinary way.
Holy shit! Does this mean that Scorpio is finally going to stop twitching their mustaches and quit being so paranoid and drop all of their plans for murdering the human race and setting up a colony where they, solely, are the Queens of everything? Is it possible that they are not going to take this reading personally, for once? I highly doubt that. But they may crack a book that will at least give them a whiff of euphoric Eureka. That’s promising. The rest of us will enjoy a drama-free week, as the Scorpios of the Universe will be too busy pondering their new-found thoughts. They’ll never read my blog again…since they think they know everything. Nah, that’s a lie. They’ll be back next week, just to see what I’m saying about them.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Fehu: Possessions
A Rune of fulfillment: ambition satisfied, love shared, rewards received. It promises nourishment from the most worldly to the sacred and the Divine. For if the ancient principle, “As above so below” holds true, then we are also here to nourish God.
Nourish God. What does that mean? What do you think God could possibly eat? Does she crave thick, dark chocolate at the full moon? Does she take her steak rare? Is this beginning to sound like dirty Shel Silverstein? (I do hope so.) Think about God wanting a nice, comfy break and you’re the only one to give it to her. How would you treat God if she walked into your living room? Don’t answer. We don’t care. We want to know about this “Possessions” thing and if you’ll finally have all the cash you need to pay us all back. THAT’S what your zodiac brethren want to know.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Nauthiz: Constraint (reversed)
As part of the Cycle of Initiation, Nauthiz Reversed is the great teacher disguised as the bringer of pain and limitation. It has been said that only at the moment of greatest darkness to we become aware of the light within and come to recognize the true creative power of the self.
Cheer up. You had the best week out of all of us, last week. While you’re locked up in that delicately padded room, try to quit blaming others. Your shrieking keeps up the other inmates and drastically diminishes your chances of time off for good behavior. Something you did, intentional or not, put you in this position—even if it was merely a negative mindset. Sure, everyone else helped… but we are always the creator of our own destruction. Aren’t we? That’s what the monkeys keep telling me when I light the carpet on fire. I was the one who lit the candles, after all. And I’m not even a Capricorn. But as your polar opposite, I can see clearly where you need to shape up. Tuck that lip in, take responsibility, smile at the guards and show a little leg. You’ll be back on the street freaking out the tourists before you know it.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Jera: Harvest
A Rune of beneficial outcomes, Jera applies to any activity or endeavor to which you are committed. Be aware, however, that no quick results can be expected. A span of time is usually involved; hence the key words “One Year,” symbolizing a full cycle before the reaping, the harvest or deliverance.
Well, it’s a nice thought, anyway. Except Aquarius never made a good farmer. Great fertilizer, maybe. Not comparing you to cow shit, mind you—but saying you’re good at planting and watering. But you’ll be off on your next adventure before you even see the shoots pop up. If you’re really crazy, you might go try to pull at them to make them grow a little faster. What are you in such a hurry for? Don’t you know that sitting on the front porch in a rocker drinking sweet tea and watching the grass grow is one of the best things ever? When the grass finally grows, you can dry it out and sell it in baggies to unsuspecting high schoolers. They’ll never know the difference.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Inguz: FertilityThis Rune is akin to the moon, the intuitive part of our nature, with its urge toward harmonizing and adjusting in the sphere of personal relationships. Inguz embodies the need to share, the yearning to be desired, a search after similiarities.

You’re sure you didn’t knock someone up? Just checking, because…it did say fertility and all. I guess things are going to go pretty well for Pisces this week. Moonlight and roses. Go ahead and trust the nice time. It’s not going anywhere. Well, that’s a lie. Of course it’s temporary—as everything is—but take a chance, ye curmudgeon, that the good thing you have is not only real, but that you are indeed as deserving of it as the rest of we assholes. Pretty pretty doesn’t always bite.

Okay. Sister Mary is exhausted and retiring to her chambers. Who’s going to join her?

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Here's to you, Mercury--God of the F*cked Communication!!!

Thanks to everyone who came out to the Ass-tro Hour last night! Special thanks to Stephanie Cox Williams who filled in as our true-ish ghost story teller when Michele was called to attend an extremely sick little kitty. Don’t worry, kids. If you got trapped under a dead hooker or something, you can still make it out to SMUT! tomorrow night (Monday, 6/4) at Galapagos. Sister Mary will once again give the forecast for the coming week, and take time to answer all of your neurotic questions about your sign and that of the person you’re screwing. 8:00 PM! Free!!!

It’s a great time to go click your heels and make merry in the streets before the summer sun comes along and cooks us all to death with our heels still clicking in the pavement. Ah, ha! Cooled by a Scorpio full moon—this is going to be an insane week. Guess what? Mercury is also entering Retrograde. This week, the Gods of the Universe have put us all into a cosmic salad shooter, they had a little too much to drink and now they’re firing us all out into the abyss of the planetary back yards.

Expect three hour phone calls, even from people who normally abhor conversation. And like only a Gemini can do, plan to see 3,000+ words crammed into a mere 90 seconds, yet without anything actually being said! The Scorpio moon will prompt extreme emotional outbursts from everyone from your local librarian to your local meth fiend. Take care when returning your books or visiting the lab. Computers will crash, cell phones will vanish . You may find yourself trapped for hours in a stalled subway on the Williamsburg bridge. Don’t grumble too much! YOU COULD MEET THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE IN SAID SITUATION!!!

The Scorpio Full Moon will make us all want to go shag the night away, and it falling under the realm of Gemini—the chattery, social sign who always enjoys company—your dreams of completing your three-some or four-some or eight-some might just come true this week. However, use caution with sex toys—Mercury in Retrograde may cause them to malfunction, which could cause injury. Stick to organic fisting to be on the safe side.

But there’s some marginal good news to report! All of this emotional la-la is going to finally force some of the old stuff we all should have dealt with a long time ago into the forefront, to let the cosmic summer winds sweep away. That’s the one good thing Mercury in Retrograde is good for. So, if all of our computers crash, perhaps we’ll go back to a tribal society, come out of our houses a little more often and learn to weave.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Continuing to feel constricted by that damn boa around your neck, Aries is wont to sit at home a lot the next couple of days. Being a bit of a rebel, and wounded by their recent flop-out, they’re less likely to want to come out and play while the rest of the world is prompted by Gemini to do so. Suddenly overcome with emotions they haven’t seen in awhile, Aries may do the unlikely thing of watching a couple of Lifetime movies and frankly, just not be too pleasant to be around. Fortunately, this emotional laxative period will clear out the old gunk clogging their eye-ways for awhile. They’ll be fresh and new by the beginning of next week and will be heaps of fun to play with.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Frustrated by the absence of the Communication Planet, Taurus will once again revert to tantrums—often in public places. The time where no one understands one another will grate particularly hard on the sign who needs to know that people are listening. The truth is, everyone is listening, but no one has a goddamn clue as to what others are saying. Taurus may be inclined to make snap decisions, so Sister Mary advises avoiding filing for divorce, getting pierced, buying a boat or doing anything that will cause permanent changes to your life or credit. Any major decisions made at this time will likely cause regrets. AND, likewise, the end of the coming week will prove extremely fruitful, as you will be bc.c’d on a complimentary email or overhear something nice about you through the bathroom stall wall. You’ll realize that all the things you were oh-so worried about don’t really exist and all will be better in a few short days.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Good goddess—you kids have absolutely NO reason to be so goddamn upset!!! No, no you don’t. First of all, it’s your birthday. You should be out having fun. The monkeys are saying you’re letting the immature Mr./Ms. Hyde take over a normally charming and balanced Dr. Who-the-Fuck. But again, it’s a process of not learning and not letting go. I hereby disagree with my own flea bitten Flying Monkeys—while you may have those tendencies (who doesn’t?), I think you’re upset because everyone else in your life is freaking out and you don’t want to miss out on anything. That’s what’s crazy about our loopy Twins: if someone else is into it, they can’t be left out. Even if that “it” kind of sucks. Embrace this time of un-suckiness, for they are few and far between. Be grateful Mercury’s retrograde only grazed the top of your pinstriped fedora. You’ll get to play next time.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Cancerians this next week (drooling long into the first part of July…) can expect to see the following events: 1.) Doors left open: Try very, very, very, very hard not to be so distracted that we forget to the lock the doors and come home to find the stereo missing. Of course, the “doors left open” thing is symbolic. Most Cancerians spent a good portion of their middle school years inside a garbage can or locker and we’ve never gotten over it. Let the locker/garbage can days go. Along with the valentines we got from people who have long since gotten knocked up or gone to rehab. 2.) Universal law of Cancer Sun Sign: if it exists, it will distract us. This Retrograde will provide unusually sparkly and gorgeous devastations for us to overanalyze and obsequiously blog about. 3.) We will rise triumphant—because no one knows better than a Cancer how to kick the ass of bad tidings. Once we’re bored freaking out about them.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Yoga, meditation and fine marijuana will be your friends this week, kitten. Take a moment to distance yourself from all the chaos that surrounds you. You’re likely to become entangled in someone else’s ball of yarn. Instead of running around the apartment like a freaked out cat-needing-spaying, take a second to release yourself from that which is binding you. Chewing off your limbs in not an option unless you happened to be trapped up in Patagonia somewhere. Stretch your golden arms through everyone else’s Universes with only the aim of showering love and light. Don’t get tied up to someone else’s stuff. Unless you’re tied to someone else’s bedposts. If so, stay where you are because it’s bound to get better…

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Now, the rest of the world may disagree with me, but I think losing both your legs in that car accident was probably the best thing that ever happened to you. (Knock on wood that this isn’t a true story.) Basically, you suffered whatever nasty blow because you needed to stop what you were doing. The Universe kept telling you to slow down, slow down…but you kept distracting yourself with all your little projects that you haven’t found fulfillment in—for at least six months. Since you’re laid up and on a ton of Vicadin, you have no choice but to write cathartic poetry about the lost loves of your life on your bathroom wall. It could turn out that you’re the greatest poet whoever lived—and the first great poet not to die in extreme poverty! At the very least, you’ll get some of those issues out of your head that are going gangrene in your emotional life.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
It was the end of one chapter and a juicy one it was! The credits rolled, the audience clapped, you may not have made as much in the theater but the DVD looks promising. Now, you’re taking a break before beginning the sequel. Libras hate this, in case no one is aware. Vacations are not about relaxing, they’re about planning for the next one. Whatever dragon the Libra was after has been slayed, stuffed and mounted over the radiator. Good work. But since dragon hunting season is over, regroup and start looking for something else to hunt—and kill, if you’re into the barbaric way of doing things. Guess what? In the midst of this boredom, you’re suddenly going to have a fantastic idea involving the life of someone else. One of your weaknesses is trying to tell everyone else what to do, but in this circumstance, you will prove to be quite helpful.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Now, I wouldn’t call Scorpio a greedy maternal copulater without due cause. In fact, despite the majority of shit that Scorpio does to infuriate the rest of us, embezzlement is not necessarily one of them. Don’t get me wrong, they’re likely to help plan such a plot (plotting is great fun to a Scorpio…) but in time they’ll grow to fear other plot members, the walls, the clock, themselves, the cash they steal and bail for a cabin in what’s left of the Tundra just to keep from being aligned with mischief. Scorpio, your mistrust for others will work out to your benefit. Keeping to yourself, hunched over your workstation has made great impressions on the boss who plans to reward you. The money won’t come through immediately, but when it does, you’ll get to go buy all the really cool shit you’ve been scoping online while the boss thought you were working. Sister Mary’s birthday is coming up, just so you know….

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Now, Sagittarius did score big on the embezzlement scam. Sag may not have been the one who originally thought the thought, but was the one who kicked it into action and didn’t stop, even when the sirens went off and the cops were chasing them down the street. Sag’s problem is that they can’t keep their mouths shut which is why this week, we’ll probably see a lot of Sag in the jail, in the principal’s office, or having multiple “Honey, may I see you in the kitchen?” conversations. Sag now has to rely on others to help them out of trouble. This will feel like an enormous step back for our friend Sagittarius, who is happiest when no one is trying to tell them what to do. I think they’ll also find that whatever got them into this situation is a repeat of a few previous, identical situations. Learn from it this time, Sag. That way none of us will need to bail you out again.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
It looks as though Capricorn seriously lucked out this week! Your week will not suck. That’s because you were finally given the time and space to let your OCD impulses run amok and now your house, life and personal relationships are all in order. The cauldron even says that you’re going to remain in control over these things for at least another three or four days. Looks as though the first part of the Retrograde missed you, so enjoy this rare opportunity to tell everyone else what to do. We’ll listen because frankly, we’re all falling apart here. It also looks as though you’ll be the one with the cash and while the rest of us know better than to ask a Capricorn for a handout, you’ll probably find a lot of willing workers to paint your bathroom, do your laundry, give your dog a Dead Sea mud mask, la la la. Take advantage of this easy week. Retrograde is sticking around through the first part of July and isn’t done with you yet.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Our Water-Bearer is doing everything in his/her power to ignore the Retrograde. While the rest of us are hammering our skulls into walls, Aquarius is out in the street lighting off illegal fireworks. Weeee!!!! Summer is here!!! Aquarius, please bear in mind that the nature of Retrograde is for everything to go exactly how we hope, beg, pray that it doesn’t. Do you live in a dense, urban area? Is it possible that there are homes and apartment buildings that are not fireproof and may pose a danger to those living within? The Flying Monkeys of the Cauldron of Bare-Ass Truth urge you to take a moment to see if the distractions you embraced may be harmful to yourself, to others and to the future of the planet. You stand a chance of missing the brunt of this Retrograde entirely, but only if you put away your toys so you don’t trip on them when Mercury’s nasty winds blow through.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Oops. Someone left their I-Pod in a little too long and suffered hearing damage. Or worse, ignored a vital warning and is now paying the price for it. When you say to a specific someone, “I’m sorry, but I just didn’t hear you…” you can pretty much guarantee that your ass is on the futon that night. Futons cause back problems and possibly more hearing loss. Everything is connected, you know? However, know that there is opportunity in loss, even hearing loss. Sign language is a beautiful way to communicate. And then, you can have conversations about people you don’t like in FRONT of them! You don’t have to sneak off into the corner anymore to do your gossip! Think of the whole new community with whom you’ll be able to commiserate. Pisces, this latest adventure is merely part of the cycle of loss and gain anew that you’ve been seeing a lot of lately. It will not be anymore devastating than anything else you’ve suffered recently.