Your Horrorscope forecast this week indicates that if you are in the New York area this weekend…you will find yourself at Stain Bar…for the greatest Saturday night in the world!
The Ass-tro Hour with Sister Mary Manhattan
Saturday, Oct. 6, 9:00 PM
Stain Bar
766 Grand Street,Brooklyn
(L to Grand, walk 1 block west)
http://www.stainbar.com/
$FREE
Sister Mary’s monthly showcase of the fabulously weird and deliciously creepy continues!!! Show up and get your ass-trological questions answered and take your turn at the Magic Microphone--the only mic in New York City guaranteed to grant wishes within three days. Special guests: The Blood Brothers. Dug from the darkest part of the city's unconscious, these two ghouls will both chill and charm you with tales of the freaky. Enjoy local wines, beer and a view of the hottest nun in town. Basically, just show up. You'll be so very, VERY glad you did....;)
Welcome to the week of September 30-October 6!!! Onward and sideways!!!
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries, you’re absolutely going to need to try that meditation thing to make it through this week. The moon is starting out in Gemini, which means people are going to be more indecisive than usual about pretty much everything. If you’re dating someone, particularly a Gemini (god forbid THAT crazy combination…), plan some retreat time away from them. The park. The library. Bellevue. Not the bar. Avoid getting loaded as you’re more likely than usual to verbally explode all the crazy things you keep bottled up between your horns. It has been said by wise philosophers that only at the moment when morons can piss us off no further, do we learn to love the moron in every person. Focus on that while grinding your teeth this week.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Nothing unusual to report for Taurus this week—except to say that all Cosmic Bulls will end up hopelessly rich and terribly famous and laid several times before the end of the week. That was what you were hoping to read, right? I’m sure that will happen to some Taurus, somewhere, but all Bulls everywhere are cleaning up broken plates and femur bones after some spat with someone they’re crazy about. And, per usual, Taurus can be found weeping into their soy lattes, wracked with guilt for having unleashed the inner bull, and not having a clue about how to go back and fix it. How about picking up the phone? Invite that person to come share in that soy latte. Actually, you’ll probably have to shell out $4 and buy it for them—which isn’t your favorite thing to do—but the giving and the listening and the all powerful “I’m so terribly, terribly sorry for having gone nuts on you” will do wonders for a glorious reunion.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Your own moon this week will have you talking in circles about all to all present—and even those not so present. Gemini, sometimes the voices in our heads make the best listeners. Don’t let either of your feelings get hurt when people get short with you this week. They’re just as confused as you are by the presence of your moon—which leads to indecision and random barroom make-out parties with people normally considered icky. You may find this week that people are not returning your phone calls. You may even find them making ridiculous excuses to leave the party as soon as you show up. This should only be taken quasi-personally. First of all, they’re as confused about the little things as you are. Second, who cares? This is one of those clearing sessions when you get the opportunity to see who your true allies are. A true friend is one that puts up with verbal vomit, even when they’re sick to death of it. And buys you beer to distract you.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Ummm….Mars showed up in our house today. Come ON, Cosmos…haven’t you tortured your Cancerians ENOUGH? Of course not, and it’s all about us. NO other signs are EVER bottle-banged by the Great Drunk Up Above like we are. This week, we’re going to be crankier than usual. It’s a good time to air grievances. Inform your lover that bathing the nether regions needs to happen before you perform down there from now on. Tell your upstairs neighbors to drug the kids so they’ll stop the stomping. With the potential tongue-lashing native to Cancerians, sometimes we’re wont to resort to the Angry Blog or the Pissy Email rather than the confrontation, which tends to draw blood. Our best course of action this week would be to wait until Mars leaves our sector, second course of action is the Angry Blog. Meanwhile, cry a little and write some bad poetry.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Venus is slowly making her return and when she waltzes through Leo’s realm this week, she’s bringing with her a blast from the past. Did you take Sister Mary’s advice and shack up with your Cancerian ex? Hmmm….that probably wasn’t the best idea. Sorry about that. Don’t get angry. Why are you taking sex advice from a nun anyway? Something about this past-blast will provide some much needed closure and even a strange sort of peace of mind. Careful, Leo. Watch your sentimental trigger. The crazy bitch or bastard hasn’t changed all that much. Be glad that you got to hug and say “sorry” and smile about all the Karmic things you learned from them, but don’t be terribly disappointed when they’re still doing all the same crap that made you guys fall apart the first time.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Has anyone noticed abnormally stressed-out Virgos climbing all sorts of cubicle walls? Yeah…Sister Mary was a bit slow to report that Saturn left poor Leo at the beginning of the month and is now residing in Virgo. Saturn—planet of the F*CKED UP—will be taking a nice long vacation in Virgo. Like, a three year long vacation. It’s also going to be affecting your Gemini, Sag and Pisces friends, but you’re going to feel the brunt of it. Worry over inane shit is nothing new to Virgo, but they’re just now beginning to feel the nasty crunch of the cash flow and the natural chi. Virgo, you’re simply going to have to take better care of yourself. Go organic. Do it, and quit the cigs. All the nasties are going to make things even more complicated for you in these early days of your Saturn visit.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Hope you’re still having a fabulous birthday month!!! This week, try to get all of your housekeeping stuff in order as the Gemini moon is going to make you even more indecisive about everything. Make your sig-oth (Wow. New phrase there.) pack your lunches for you under the guise of “It’s my BIRTHDAY MONTH, damnit!” all the while saving you the time of deciding between tofu and bologna. But if you’re going to order people around, make sure you do your share of cleaning up after them. While your partner is busy making your food, take this opportunity to get rid of the three years of New Yorkers they “keep meaning to” throw away. Don’t touch the Hustlers. You might like them too, if you give them a chance. Your goal for this week is to avoid having to make decisions—since you won’t be able to—and to give porn a chance.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Ha ha ha…distracted mortals abound! Scorpio praises the Gemini moon for distracting their friends and lovers. While they’re running in circles, Scorpio can run through their purses. You’re not being accused of theft, Scorpio, but of being nosey. Actually, you could use a delightful distraction. A chord of heartache has hit Scorpio this week—and they, actually, may not even deserve it! It looks as though something said in your direction was taken too personally. Guess what, Scorpio? Most people aren’t plotting your demise. A few are, granted, but the majorities aren’t even thinking about you! That could be almost as painful to hear as the thought that someone out there may think you’re a douche. Continue digging through Livejournals, hack someone’s email account. Hell, go read some of that stuff about Burma. It could be so much worse…
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Now, you may recall that Jupiter entered your realm a little before Christmas last year. Jupiter is the little bugger that gets under your skin and makes you all philosophical and annoy your friends with drunken rants on Marx or Rand or Krishna or whatever it is that you’re into this week. The good news—for them, anyway—is that you’ll either find the philosophical path you’re meant to follow before the end of the year, when Jupiter leaves, or you’ll get reinvested in normal things. Like your job. Basically, whatever concepts have had your mind spinning over the past year will easily fit into the life you live now. Hypno-dominatrix theory was just that—theory—but now seems to be working out quite well for you. It will seem more mundane, and you’ll probably want a new hobby. Be patient. Distractions are on the way.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
With so many of our zodiac brethren losing their minds during the Gemini moon, you’re going to be required—again—to mommy/daddy the crazies and get them in order. Don’t be too pushy. Simply use your resourceful Capricorn ways to leave out cute little maps with colorful arrows, and let them think they’ve thought of all of it themselves. In addition, the monkeys want you to know that whatever it is that you’re currently planting, be it plans for your house or starting a business or cultivating a magical crop of mushrooms, it’s going to take awhile. Imagine yourself a year from now reading AstrologyExplained and seeing, “Told you so!!! You made a lot of cash on that slow growing crop!!!” That’s exactly what will happen. Buy Sister Mary dinner with the money you make. Think of all that she does for you!!!
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
You, who spend so much of your life so distracted, you only become confused when you’re focused, won’t notice much new chaos during the Gemini moon. You’ve had to cut a lot of ties in the past year and this has given way to lots of space to play around in. Now that the trustafarians have been properly sent back to the suburbs, you can use the space they used to take up in your living room to do all the naked paint angels you’ve been wanting to do! Thoroughly exciting…It looks as though new people, concepts and opportunities are coming for you, Aquarius. Let’s hope they’re hot and funny and carry flasks of green liquor. That’s Sister Mary’s Aquarius fantasy, anyway.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Pisces, Sister Mary has now determined part of your problem. You’re experiencing Virgo’s Saturn. That means you’re also feeling the brunt of the planet of annoyances. Watch your depression meter—don’t allow yourself more than three days in the padded room. Eventually, you will need to shower. Most Pisces have experienced loss in some form over the past year and were pretty pissed about it. The good news is that those Pisces who didn’t drink away their irritations, used it to fuel the rebuilding process. Keep in mind, Pisces, that rebuilding the harem can take awhile. You’re usually pretty good with the patience thing, but nasty-ass Saturn is going to test it by throwing red tape and b.s. into the mix. She’s good that way. It will build character, so don’t get too frustrated too soon.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Late September....
Ah, it is with rather great sadness and woe that we bid goodbye to the warm days of summer, and hello to rain, chilly winds and the beginning of Fall. Mother Superior has decreed that all members of the Convent of Sensual Salvation begin strict diets of beets, elderberries and milk-thistle tea to repair the damage we did to our Holy livers throughout the summer. I sip as I type…
But the arrival of Autumn provides plenty of time for cuddles and snuggles and pumpkin-spice lattes—along with the births of our sign of balance, serial monogamy and impulsive purchases which tap their credit limit, Libra!
Libra will have to do something out of the norm and be patient for seven days. Sister Mary will return next week with their overtly-detailed description. Meanwhile, she would like to say:
Happy Anniversary!!!!
To The Parents of Sister Mary Manhattan who are celebrating 29 years of marital bliss this very 23rd of September.
LOVE YOU MUMSY AND POPS!!!
Keep up the good work.
xoxoxo
‘Tis the week of Sept. 23-29! With a Libra Sun and an oncoming Pisces moon, it’s feelings, feelings, stupid friggin’ feelings…’
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Yes, Aries, you were right about something. Whether this involved the tenuous handling of diplomatic relations with Syria or the tenuous handling of office paper storage, no one listened to you. Therefore, you sat with arms-folded in the corner, watching the moron monkeys Do It All Wrong. Now that you’ve ordered the forklift to remove the pile of reams currently pinning your co-worker to the storage closet floor, people are sheepishly admitting that you actually did know what you were talking about. Take this opportunity to overthrow a government or take down the corporation or something. Just be prepared that your new role as Aries Dictator will mean more moronic monkeys to stop from screwing up more diplomatic relations and office supply storage. Plus, being in charge means evil genius-monkeys will try to challenge your authority. You know how you hate that. Says Aries, “They should just know I’m way smarter...” They don’t. Sleep with one eye open and keep your stapler where you can see it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
“Focus, fusion and follow-through!” God, Taurus hates their company’s Motivational Speaker Day. Most of all, they’re pissed that the chocolate donuts all got eaten before they arrived. Taurus, when you procrastinate, you miss the pastry of your choice. Write that down and meditate on it twice a day this week. Also, instead of stewing on missing out on donuts, actually listen to that corny nut onstage. Get the work done, whether it’s at the job, at your not-quite-yet-lucrative hobby, or with your significant other. You’ve got all the plans to bring the spark back, now go buy the lube. Your home planet is finally getting her lard-ass back in town, so you should have plenty of opportunities to fix the romance spectrum. If you don’t have a cute & cuddly waiting for you at home, don’t expect them to show up at your door with the pizza guy. Flirting with strangers will be necessary. Unless it’s the pizza guy you want. Then, you need to work on the art of pizza guy seduction. It’s quite handy.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Unlike most signs, experienced a romantic vacuum during the Retrograde, many Geminis fell hopelessly in love at some point over the summer. They either a.) joyously got that love in return b.) had their hearts brutally shredded or c.) never came home from Burning Man. In any case, Venus’s return is affecting Gemini more like Mom than a Lover, appalled at the mess the Twins made in her absence. Time to a.) admit your lover is a real person and start acknowledging where the dreaded “compromise” needs to happen b.) admit that your ex-lover was not a real person but a heart-eating demon whose name should NEVER be mentioned again lest the demon be summoned—particularly to your friends who (I promise) are sick of hearing about it c.) let the trip wear off and admit that the Art City is gone and the desert is cold at night. Hitchhike back to civilization and hope you still have a job. This next chapter for you, Gemini, is all about letting things go. Choose one of the above and get to work.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
It often would make more sense if the Gods had given Venus to us as a planet—although having the Moon is awesome because we don’t have to share it with any other signs! Cancers spent the majority of their lives obsessing over loved ones—usually romantic. As we learned in Cancer Cosmology 101, if a Cancer does not have an object of affection in their immediate vicinity, they’re combing through their old diaries to find a lost one to obsess about. Unfortunately, Venus did not bring new Soul Mates to Cancers as souvenirs from her Retrograde journey—nor did she bring sudden bursts of Gio Casanova tendencies to Cancers’ current mates. It’s going to look as though everyone besides Cancer is getting laid and getting flowers. We should take this time to learn to knit so that we can make warm fuzzy lingerie for Christmas, in case Santa decides to stick a sweetie in our stockings. Sister Mary’s gambling on that. ;)
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leo has not had an easy road with matters of the heart this season. Our Lions will stand next to our Lonely Crabs this fall, getting skipped over while Venus is doling out romance. Leo, consider shacking up with your Cancerian ex. They may not have you, or they may bring up sixty-nine things in the past you did to piss them off, but they might just cuddle with you for an evening, which could ease some of the hurt. Watch how much you wallow, watch how many people you ask to lick your wounds. Your wounds nasty and we won’t be putting our tongues there—trust us. Some sulking is good, but watch how many times you play Little Earthquakes. Stick with Tom Waits instead. He’ll appropriately commiserate and annoy your roommate far less than Tori.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Hmm…it looks as though Venus is bringing a new love to the Virgins when she comes back! It’s about time you had someone assist you in your enabling endeavors. Virgo, this person is just as likely to be a platonic friend as a romantic partner—or perhaps your current significant other is finally going to start being nice to you. Don’t be afraid to actually get excited about this development, for crying out loud! Sister Mary can hear the Virgo lament, “Yeah, (insert name) is awesome and even likes anal…but my boss is being such an ass…” CHRIST. Get over your woes and focus on the yummy things around you! Just because you’re happy doesn’t mean you’ve died and gone to Fake Heaven. Enjoy your gifts or someone else will happily enjoy them for you.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Hey, your home planet is coming back, too! And it’s your birthday??? Careful not to overextend yourself expecting everything to go exactly as you planned. The full moon in Pisces coming this week is going to make you even more sensitive than usual. It’s good because you’ll be more attune to what’s going on with people you care about—particularly what they’re not saying—but bad because you’re more likely to take the stupid things they say personally. Watch your money this week, trust that your peops will take care of your birthday celebration and you don’t have to hire the stripper yourself. Even though it’s your time to be the star, you may notice that you’ll be called to do the Balancing Act, again, with those around you who are out of whack. Darlin’, that’s just the way it goes, sometimes…
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You freaky nut, stewing in your toxic emotions will cause ulcers. In a classic Scorpio move, someone stepped all over Scorpio’s claws and they retreated under their rocks to devise a proper response. Contrary to popular belief, Scorpio knows the power of their venom and how mean they can be when crossed—which is the main reason for the sudden retreat. They do it for the good of humanity. Make sure, Scorpio, you are using your retreat time for cooling off, not developing more pissiness. Eventually you will need to leave the house for toilet paper and cat food. You may even run across the barista whose rude service sent you into flight. Avoid the urge to push said barista into traffic. If you must, do a better job than last time of making it look like an accident.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Looks as though Sagittarius is still reeling from the injuries they suffered during Venus’s vacation. But now that you’re somewhat on the mend, Sister Mary needs to deliver some annoying news: YOU WERE WARNED AND YOU DIDN’T LISTEN. Your friends had written on every wall of your house, “Your Lover Is A Jizz Licker” and you just kept bopping and boinking along. Naughty Sag. Guess what? It looks as though whoever was mean to you is going to make a startling return. Why? Hon, you’re simply more fun than everyone else on Match.com and stupid person simply didn’t realize it. Do not be tempted to make the same mistake again. If all Venus can do is bring you a double-dip, tell her to move along please, whore…nothing changes that quickly.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
While Venus may not have brought you a person to love and cherish, she brought Capricorn other fabulousness to celebrate. This past year has been one of extreme hard work and a lot of own-hair-pulling for the sign known for big dreams and impossible standards. This week, Capricorn will finally see a return for all of their extra hours and massive schmoozing. While many around you will lament the return of things they worked extremely hard to send away, you’re going to be smothering yourself in opportunity, recognition and hopefully cash. Go ahead, brag. You deserve it. But don’t drink too much blueberry vodka at your Self-Serving bash. First of all, you may have a Scorpio try to poison you. Second, your rewards are going to call for many more early mornings. Avoid hangovers at all cost.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
This week, Aquarius, you’re going to be summoned by Middle Earth to get the hell off that Eagle King and deal with all the crap going on down here. While you were out seeking higher perspective, Chaos crept in and took up residency on your couch. If you’re confused as to how to remove the unwelcome entity, consider taking advice from the bumbling wino on the subway. Most people would run away because that guy often stinks something supremely horrid, but your recent exploration of lofty realms taught you that the craziest, strangest places often have the simplest answers—once you can break down the mumbles into something coherent. It looks as though ruptures in relationships will be part of this Chaos. It may not affect you, flighty Aquarius, more than a day or two. But be sensitive as it may be affecting those you care about quite deeply. Watch how often you change the subject. Someone may need to you listen.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
So, your own moon is taking up space in the Land of Balance (Libra Sun). Thank Goddess. It’s about time. Pisces, you’ve been nagged all year about managing stress and murdering those around you who create it. The Universe is tired of telling you to do it, and is going to go do it for you. But just this once, and don’t you dare screw it up. You’ll find that the middle of this week will bring clarity of sight and intention of what to do with the plethora of dead bodies. Gee, you had no idea so many people were irritating you! Of course, Pisces who doesn’t adjust well to new environments may not take well to this new “peaceful, warm and fuzzy” disposition surrounding them and decide to surround themselves with carbon copies of the assholes God just removed. This will piss Her off. Greatly. Don’t piss off God. That’s your only assignment this week.
But the arrival of Autumn provides plenty of time for cuddles and snuggles and pumpkin-spice lattes—along with the births of our sign of balance, serial monogamy and impulsive purchases which tap their credit limit, Libra!
Libra will have to do something out of the norm and be patient for seven days. Sister Mary will return next week with their overtly-detailed description. Meanwhile, she would like to say:
Happy Anniversary!!!!
To The Parents of Sister Mary Manhattan who are celebrating 29 years of marital bliss this very 23rd of September.
LOVE YOU MUMSY AND POPS!!!
Keep up the good work.
xoxoxo
‘Tis the week of Sept. 23-29! With a Libra Sun and an oncoming Pisces moon, it’s feelings, feelings, stupid friggin’ feelings…’
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Yes, Aries, you were right about something. Whether this involved the tenuous handling of diplomatic relations with Syria or the tenuous handling of office paper storage, no one listened to you. Therefore, you sat with arms-folded in the corner, watching the moron monkeys Do It All Wrong. Now that you’ve ordered the forklift to remove the pile of reams currently pinning your co-worker to the storage closet floor, people are sheepishly admitting that you actually did know what you were talking about. Take this opportunity to overthrow a government or take down the corporation or something. Just be prepared that your new role as Aries Dictator will mean more moronic monkeys to stop from screwing up more diplomatic relations and office supply storage. Plus, being in charge means evil genius-monkeys will try to challenge your authority. You know how you hate that. Says Aries, “They should just know I’m way smarter...” They don’t. Sleep with one eye open and keep your stapler where you can see it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
“Focus, fusion and follow-through!” God, Taurus hates their company’s Motivational Speaker Day. Most of all, they’re pissed that the chocolate donuts all got eaten before they arrived. Taurus, when you procrastinate, you miss the pastry of your choice. Write that down and meditate on it twice a day this week. Also, instead of stewing on missing out on donuts, actually listen to that corny nut onstage. Get the work done, whether it’s at the job, at your not-quite-yet-lucrative hobby, or with your significant other. You’ve got all the plans to bring the spark back, now go buy the lube. Your home planet is finally getting her lard-ass back in town, so you should have plenty of opportunities to fix the romance spectrum. If you don’t have a cute & cuddly waiting for you at home, don’t expect them to show up at your door with the pizza guy. Flirting with strangers will be necessary. Unless it’s the pizza guy you want. Then, you need to work on the art of pizza guy seduction. It’s quite handy.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Unlike most signs, experienced a romantic vacuum during the Retrograde, many Geminis fell hopelessly in love at some point over the summer. They either a.) joyously got that love in return b.) had their hearts brutally shredded or c.) never came home from Burning Man. In any case, Venus’s return is affecting Gemini more like Mom than a Lover, appalled at the mess the Twins made in her absence. Time to a.) admit your lover is a real person and start acknowledging where the dreaded “compromise” needs to happen b.) admit that your ex-lover was not a real person but a heart-eating demon whose name should NEVER be mentioned again lest the demon be summoned—particularly to your friends who (I promise) are sick of hearing about it c.) let the trip wear off and admit that the Art City is gone and the desert is cold at night. Hitchhike back to civilization and hope you still have a job. This next chapter for you, Gemini, is all about letting things go. Choose one of the above and get to work.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
It often would make more sense if the Gods had given Venus to us as a planet—although having the Moon is awesome because we don’t have to share it with any other signs! Cancers spent the majority of their lives obsessing over loved ones—usually romantic. As we learned in Cancer Cosmology 101, if a Cancer does not have an object of affection in their immediate vicinity, they’re combing through their old diaries to find a lost one to obsess about. Unfortunately, Venus did not bring new Soul Mates to Cancers as souvenirs from her Retrograde journey—nor did she bring sudden bursts of Gio Casanova tendencies to Cancers’ current mates. It’s going to look as though everyone besides Cancer is getting laid and getting flowers. We should take this time to learn to knit so that we can make warm fuzzy lingerie for Christmas, in case Santa decides to stick a sweetie in our stockings. Sister Mary’s gambling on that. ;)
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leo has not had an easy road with matters of the heart this season. Our Lions will stand next to our Lonely Crabs this fall, getting skipped over while Venus is doling out romance. Leo, consider shacking up with your Cancerian ex. They may not have you, or they may bring up sixty-nine things in the past you did to piss them off, but they might just cuddle with you for an evening, which could ease some of the hurt. Watch how much you wallow, watch how many people you ask to lick your wounds. Your wounds nasty and we won’t be putting our tongues there—trust us. Some sulking is good, but watch how many times you play Little Earthquakes. Stick with Tom Waits instead. He’ll appropriately commiserate and annoy your roommate far less than Tori.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Hmm…it looks as though Venus is bringing a new love to the Virgins when she comes back! It’s about time you had someone assist you in your enabling endeavors. Virgo, this person is just as likely to be a platonic friend as a romantic partner—or perhaps your current significant other is finally going to start being nice to you. Don’t be afraid to actually get excited about this development, for crying out loud! Sister Mary can hear the Virgo lament, “Yeah, (insert name) is awesome and even likes anal…but my boss is being such an ass…” CHRIST. Get over your woes and focus on the yummy things around you! Just because you’re happy doesn’t mean you’ve died and gone to Fake Heaven. Enjoy your gifts or someone else will happily enjoy them for you.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Hey, your home planet is coming back, too! And it’s your birthday??? Careful not to overextend yourself expecting everything to go exactly as you planned. The full moon in Pisces coming this week is going to make you even more sensitive than usual. It’s good because you’ll be more attune to what’s going on with people you care about—particularly what they’re not saying—but bad because you’re more likely to take the stupid things they say personally. Watch your money this week, trust that your peops will take care of your birthday celebration and you don’t have to hire the stripper yourself. Even though it’s your time to be the star, you may notice that you’ll be called to do the Balancing Act, again, with those around you who are out of whack. Darlin’, that’s just the way it goes, sometimes…
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You freaky nut, stewing in your toxic emotions will cause ulcers. In a classic Scorpio move, someone stepped all over Scorpio’s claws and they retreated under their rocks to devise a proper response. Contrary to popular belief, Scorpio knows the power of their venom and how mean they can be when crossed—which is the main reason for the sudden retreat. They do it for the good of humanity. Make sure, Scorpio, you are using your retreat time for cooling off, not developing more pissiness. Eventually you will need to leave the house for toilet paper and cat food. You may even run across the barista whose rude service sent you into flight. Avoid the urge to push said barista into traffic. If you must, do a better job than last time of making it look like an accident.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Looks as though Sagittarius is still reeling from the injuries they suffered during Venus’s vacation. But now that you’re somewhat on the mend, Sister Mary needs to deliver some annoying news: YOU WERE WARNED AND YOU DIDN’T LISTEN. Your friends had written on every wall of your house, “Your Lover Is A Jizz Licker” and you just kept bopping and boinking along. Naughty Sag. Guess what? It looks as though whoever was mean to you is going to make a startling return. Why? Hon, you’re simply more fun than everyone else on Match.com and stupid person simply didn’t realize it. Do not be tempted to make the same mistake again. If all Venus can do is bring you a double-dip, tell her to move along please, whore…nothing changes that quickly.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
While Venus may not have brought you a person to love and cherish, she brought Capricorn other fabulousness to celebrate. This past year has been one of extreme hard work and a lot of own-hair-pulling for the sign known for big dreams and impossible standards. This week, Capricorn will finally see a return for all of their extra hours and massive schmoozing. While many around you will lament the return of things they worked extremely hard to send away, you’re going to be smothering yourself in opportunity, recognition and hopefully cash. Go ahead, brag. You deserve it. But don’t drink too much blueberry vodka at your Self-Serving bash. First of all, you may have a Scorpio try to poison you. Second, your rewards are going to call for many more early mornings. Avoid hangovers at all cost.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
This week, Aquarius, you’re going to be summoned by Middle Earth to get the hell off that Eagle King and deal with all the crap going on down here. While you were out seeking higher perspective, Chaos crept in and took up residency on your couch. If you’re confused as to how to remove the unwelcome entity, consider taking advice from the bumbling wino on the subway. Most people would run away because that guy often stinks something supremely horrid, but your recent exploration of lofty realms taught you that the craziest, strangest places often have the simplest answers—once you can break down the mumbles into something coherent. It looks as though ruptures in relationships will be part of this Chaos. It may not affect you, flighty Aquarius, more than a day or two. But be sensitive as it may be affecting those you care about quite deeply. Watch how often you change the subject. Someone may need to you listen.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Monday, September 17, 2007
Take your Mantra and Call in the Morning
Rather calm sky these days, Sister Mary is pleased to report. However, Neptune and Uranus are still in cursed Retrograde, which means your questions about God will remain unanswered for the time being and your novel, unfinished.
Yes, even Sister Mary discovered her philosophical questions will likely go unheeded this week. In fact, this evening she went down the street to the local Blockbuster only to find that they no longer carry “Monty Python’s The Meaning Of Life.” Further proof to add to her petition to Mother Superior for a Netflix subscription for the Convent.
Never fear, Great Sinners! When you are down, and troubled and need a groping hand, let Sister Mary assist you in your groping for light in a time of darkness, confusion and Clearwater drizzle eroding your natural creative juices through the air waves! Your Horrorscopes this week will describe the biggest philosophical battles you and your zodiac kin are currently facing as well as mantras to help you steer through!
‘Tis the week of Sept. 16-22! Read, listen and know thyself well…’
Aries (March 21-April 19)
“God hates me and therefore shits on me all the friggin’ time. Therefore, I hate God and shall go shit on Him. Where is that Holy Bastard?”
Ah, yes, Aries the great martyr of the sky. Many signs enjoy playing their own cranky violin—but no one believes in their right to bitch more than an Aries. Often, Aries is so angry from the piano recently dropped upon his/her head, they can’t see through the red to notice that second piano close to dropping as well. What Aries would learn from realizing that the Holy Bastard exists in all of us—including you! Seek the Holy Bastard within yourself—for there you shall find the correct place to shit.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
“ I wanna be a Toys R’ Us kid for evah and evah and evah.”
Ah, yes…but do you recall the days when Mom had to grant you permission to do friggin’ everything? Of course not, you’re Taurus. You charmed your way out of having to wipe your own booty. However, grown-up world comes to us all. At least, those of us without trust funds. The Great Taurus Mantra can be as such: “When I go to work, I make money. When I make money, I buy pretty things. Pretty things=good. Good things=Happy Me.” Many a Taurus out there will scoff, for many a Taurus works quite hard for the money. But Taurus, do you not secretly pout and wish for the days of cradle and rattle? Say goodbye to the old, little one. Get to work on time today.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
“I panic in the stillness, therefore, I press through.”
…and when you press through the guard rail or police line, your head shall crack somehow. Rapid, over-caffeinated, ADD Gemini seeks for something new everyday. New ideas, new friends, new walls with which to collide. You see, Gemini, you’re not always missing out on all the fun if you stay home two nights a week. Gemini would do well to repeat, If I anticipate stupidity, I shall avoid concussions. Quite esoteric, yes. But deftly true.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
“I cry, I cry, for without tears, I die…”
The sad news is that crying to get what we want or what we want to get out of, is so early 20th century romance novel it causes Sister Mary to cringe. So effective, too! And economical to boot! The truth is that many of we Cancers merely get our way because others are tired of our whining and just give it to us. Those victories have the same spiritual nutrition as a Weight Watchers microwave dinner, served lukewarm. Fellow Cancers, learn the meaning of grace and bat your sacred eyelashes in the direction of your desires. Flirting generates better Karma than whining.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
“I shall leap rivers and knock down walls, for that is the test of true love.”
And the quickest way to ER or jail! Leo wants to understand why they end up with so many injuries on a regular basis. Ah, love causes them to do such crazy f-d up things. Leo must learn patience and the virtue of a phone call or email instead of stretching out naked on the threshold of their desire which is, first of all, stalker material and second, quite chilly now that we’re nearing the fall months. If Leo does not achieve that which Leo so desperately desires, Leo would do well to meditate on “It’s not me, it’s them.” For it is silly to take it all so damn personally.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
“Save me from myself, so that I shall be free from having to deal with me.”
Oh, Virgo. That’s silly. No one can save you from yourself. If it’s any consolation to you, you’re far beyond help! So stop looking for redemption in other humans just as jaded and flawed as yourself. Now that you’ve received this news, you are free to go feel sorry for yourself—but only for a moment or two. Then come back and play with us because someone needs to be the logical one and it sure as hell ain’t gonna be Sister Mary. Be patient with us, now that you know we can’t save you. With your new knowledge, your mantra ought to be, “I shall forgive the moronic ones, for they know not how they annoy the crap out of me.”
Libra (September 23-October 22)
“Let’s go. NOW.”
Libran magicians have spent eons in their towers trying to pull the forces of the future into the present, and only ended up with funky smelling gas. There is no way to speed up the arrival of the things you want, short of speeding up the spin of the planet—which might just cause us all to fall off. Besides, why do you need to go barreling into the yet to come when there is so much delicious chaos surrounding you now? Go out and cause trouble. That shall keep you rooted in the present. Here’s your new mantra: “Sparkle! Pretty! Mine! Mine! Mine!”
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
“I think, therefore, I think I need to nail things.”
Yes, Scorpio, while you may be ruled by the great Cock in the Sky, it doesn’t mean your life’s purpose is to run around and try to stick it in things. It’s not safe, in this disease ridden era. Plus, it makes you look slutty in a bad sort of way. Perhaps your need to screw is being confused with a need to create—art or commerce, not necessarily offspring. But despite how magically delicious you may be, you’re not necessarily able to fart out your desires on a first go round. Things take a long time to come to fruition. A good thing to chant when you start to lose it would be, “The time it takes to grow a tree, is not the planet conspiring against me.” Plenty of other things are conspiring against you, Scorpio. Just not foliage.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
“If I can do nothing about it, I shall run it over with my car.”
And it will go splat, splooge and smell pretty icky when the sun finds it! Oh, Sag. So much useful energy wasted on the Can’t Do Shit About It. Short of mass extinction, there is little Sag can do to be rid of all the people and things that get under their sensitive skin. The best course of action would be to simply gag all the people who annoy you—although there probably isn’t that much leather in the world. This is why God invented the IPod. Sag should repeat, “I shall plug my ears against that which sucks.” Keep your eyes and ears open to injustice, but close them to bullshit. That’s the key to an ulcerless-Sag.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
“It’s all about me, isn’t it? Why the f*ck not???”
Capricorn laments all that did not go their way, through all stages of their life. They can probably remember losing out on the lead in the Hanukkah Pageant at eight years old. Denying the Capricorn what they want is the gravest of betrayals. Sort of. In their mind, anyway. The big secret is that the rest of us aren’t paying attention!!! Here, Capricorn. Something else for you chew on for awhile: “I shall get over it, and then I shall get over it.” Liberating! Innovative! Thank the Goddess someone finally told you….
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
“What?”
Over here, Water Bearer! Over here! That’s right, it’s your turn! Life would be so much easier if we all were the light footed creatures Aquarians are. Although we’d quickly run out of civilization. We’d be running around barefoot and eating alley cats—and having a stupendous time of it—but then we’d get cold and wonder what happened to central heating. Aquarians reading this have likely already wandered away from the computer. If you’re involved with an Aquarius and want to help them out, here’s what you do: Tie them to a chair and force them to look at the news. They ought to know what’s going on. “Pay attention. Something cool will happen.” The cool part isn’t a guarantee, but it will keep them interested for a moment.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
“I ain’t got nothin’.”
Oh, that’s such a lie and you know it. Melancholy Pisces likes to dip deep in that nasty well of “Woe is I…stuff so sucks!” They come out smelling like mildew and old man pee and say, “What? I feel no pain.” (They’re lousy liars.) Cheer up, Pisces! Most of you reading this live in the richest country in the world! True, matters of the heart often weigh the heaviest and Pisces carries one heavy heart through most of their life. But you’re also full of deep wisdom and insight that everyone needs to hear, even if they bitch about it. Pisces ought to say, “All right, at least I got somethin’.” That’s closer to reality.
Yes, even Sister Mary discovered her philosophical questions will likely go unheeded this week. In fact, this evening she went down the street to the local Blockbuster only to find that they no longer carry “Monty Python’s The Meaning Of Life.” Further proof to add to her petition to Mother Superior for a Netflix subscription for the Convent.
Never fear, Great Sinners! When you are down, and troubled and need a groping hand, let Sister Mary assist you in your groping for light in a time of darkness, confusion and Clearwater drizzle eroding your natural creative juices through the air waves! Your Horrorscopes this week will describe the biggest philosophical battles you and your zodiac kin are currently facing as well as mantras to help you steer through!
‘Tis the week of Sept. 16-22! Read, listen and know thyself well…’
Aries (March 21-April 19)
“God hates me and therefore shits on me all the friggin’ time. Therefore, I hate God and shall go shit on Him. Where is that Holy Bastard?”
Ah, yes, Aries the great martyr of the sky. Many signs enjoy playing their own cranky violin—but no one believes in their right to bitch more than an Aries. Often, Aries is so angry from the piano recently dropped upon his/her head, they can’t see through the red to notice that second piano close to dropping as well. What Aries would learn from realizing that the Holy Bastard exists in all of us—including you! Seek the Holy Bastard within yourself—for there you shall find the correct place to shit.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
“ I wanna be a Toys R’ Us kid for evah and evah and evah.”
Ah, yes…but do you recall the days when Mom had to grant you permission to do friggin’ everything? Of course not, you’re Taurus. You charmed your way out of having to wipe your own booty. However, grown-up world comes to us all. At least, those of us without trust funds. The Great Taurus Mantra can be as such: “When I go to work, I make money. When I make money, I buy pretty things. Pretty things=good. Good things=Happy Me.” Many a Taurus out there will scoff, for many a Taurus works quite hard for the money. But Taurus, do you not secretly pout and wish for the days of cradle and rattle? Say goodbye to the old, little one. Get to work on time today.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
“I panic in the stillness, therefore, I press through.”
…and when you press through the guard rail or police line, your head shall crack somehow. Rapid, over-caffeinated, ADD Gemini seeks for something new everyday. New ideas, new friends, new walls with which to collide. You see, Gemini, you’re not always missing out on all the fun if you stay home two nights a week. Gemini would do well to repeat, If I anticipate stupidity, I shall avoid concussions. Quite esoteric, yes. But deftly true.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
“I cry, I cry, for without tears, I die…”
The sad news is that crying to get what we want or what we want to get out of, is so early 20th century romance novel it causes Sister Mary to cringe. So effective, too! And economical to boot! The truth is that many of we Cancers merely get our way because others are tired of our whining and just give it to us. Those victories have the same spiritual nutrition as a Weight Watchers microwave dinner, served lukewarm. Fellow Cancers, learn the meaning of grace and bat your sacred eyelashes in the direction of your desires. Flirting generates better Karma than whining.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
“I shall leap rivers and knock down walls, for that is the test of true love.”
And the quickest way to ER or jail! Leo wants to understand why they end up with so many injuries on a regular basis. Ah, love causes them to do such crazy f-d up things. Leo must learn patience and the virtue of a phone call or email instead of stretching out naked on the threshold of their desire which is, first of all, stalker material and second, quite chilly now that we’re nearing the fall months. If Leo does not achieve that which Leo so desperately desires, Leo would do well to meditate on “It’s not me, it’s them.” For it is silly to take it all so damn personally.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
“Save me from myself, so that I shall be free from having to deal with me.”
Oh, Virgo. That’s silly. No one can save you from yourself. If it’s any consolation to you, you’re far beyond help! So stop looking for redemption in other humans just as jaded and flawed as yourself. Now that you’ve received this news, you are free to go feel sorry for yourself—but only for a moment or two. Then come back and play with us because someone needs to be the logical one and it sure as hell ain’t gonna be Sister Mary. Be patient with us, now that you know we can’t save you. With your new knowledge, your mantra ought to be, “I shall forgive the moronic ones, for they know not how they annoy the crap out of me.”
Libra (September 23-October 22)
“Let’s go. NOW.”
Libran magicians have spent eons in their towers trying to pull the forces of the future into the present, and only ended up with funky smelling gas. There is no way to speed up the arrival of the things you want, short of speeding up the spin of the planet—which might just cause us all to fall off. Besides, why do you need to go barreling into the yet to come when there is so much delicious chaos surrounding you now? Go out and cause trouble. That shall keep you rooted in the present. Here’s your new mantra: “Sparkle! Pretty! Mine! Mine! Mine!”
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
“I think, therefore, I think I need to nail things.”
Yes, Scorpio, while you may be ruled by the great Cock in the Sky, it doesn’t mean your life’s purpose is to run around and try to stick it in things. It’s not safe, in this disease ridden era. Plus, it makes you look slutty in a bad sort of way. Perhaps your need to screw is being confused with a need to create—art or commerce, not necessarily offspring. But despite how magically delicious you may be, you’re not necessarily able to fart out your desires on a first go round. Things take a long time to come to fruition. A good thing to chant when you start to lose it would be, “The time it takes to grow a tree, is not the planet conspiring against me.” Plenty of other things are conspiring against you, Scorpio. Just not foliage.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
“If I can do nothing about it, I shall run it over with my car.”
And it will go splat, splooge and smell pretty icky when the sun finds it! Oh, Sag. So much useful energy wasted on the Can’t Do Shit About It. Short of mass extinction, there is little Sag can do to be rid of all the people and things that get under their sensitive skin. The best course of action would be to simply gag all the people who annoy you—although there probably isn’t that much leather in the world. This is why God invented the IPod. Sag should repeat, “I shall plug my ears against that which sucks.” Keep your eyes and ears open to injustice, but close them to bullshit. That’s the key to an ulcerless-Sag.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
“It’s all about me, isn’t it? Why the f*ck not???”
Capricorn laments all that did not go their way, through all stages of their life. They can probably remember losing out on the lead in the Hanukkah Pageant at eight years old. Denying the Capricorn what they want is the gravest of betrayals. Sort of. In their mind, anyway. The big secret is that the rest of us aren’t paying attention!!! Here, Capricorn. Something else for you chew on for awhile: “I shall get over it, and then I shall get over it.” Liberating! Innovative! Thank the Goddess someone finally told you….
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
“What?”
Over here, Water Bearer! Over here! That’s right, it’s your turn! Life would be so much easier if we all were the light footed creatures Aquarians are. Although we’d quickly run out of civilization. We’d be running around barefoot and eating alley cats—and having a stupendous time of it—but then we’d get cold and wonder what happened to central heating. Aquarians reading this have likely already wandered away from the computer. If you’re involved with an Aquarius and want to help them out, here’s what you do: Tie them to a chair and force them to look at the news. They ought to know what’s going on. “Pay attention. Something cool will happen.” The cool part isn’t a guarantee, but it will keep them interested for a moment.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
“I ain’t got nothin’.”
Oh, that’s such a lie and you know it. Melancholy Pisces likes to dip deep in that nasty well of “Woe is I…stuff so sucks!” They come out smelling like mildew and old man pee and say, “What? I feel no pain.” (They’re lousy liars.) Cheer up, Pisces! Most of you reading this live in the richest country in the world! True, matters of the heart often weigh the heaviest and Pisces carries one heavy heart through most of their life. But you’re also full of deep wisdom and insight that everyone needs to hear, even if they bitch about it. Pisces ought to say, “All right, at least I got somethin’.” That’s closer to reality.
Coming!!!!!
Hello my beauties,
Sister Mary is running a wee bit slow this morning...this weekend was the semi-annual pogo bouncing tournament here at the Convent, and Sister Mary is in desperate need of having her loins massaged. (She did place second, however!!! Thank you for all of your cheering!!!)
Horrorscopes will be posted this evening.
Enjoy your day!!!
xoxo
SMM
Sister Mary is running a wee bit slow this morning...this weekend was the semi-annual pogo bouncing tournament here at the Convent, and Sister Mary is in desperate need of having her loins massaged. (She did place second, however!!! Thank you for all of your cheering!!!)
Horrorscopes will be posted this evening.
Enjoy your day!!!
xoxo
SMM
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Sigh of moderate relief....
Like all flakey lovers, Venus is finally coming back around. She’s not FULLY back yet, but yes. She missed her complicated, dramatic and destructive relationship with planet Earth and is doing the cosmic equivalent of emailing to ask about the cat, and weaseling in a way to say I miss you and it’s so friggin’ confusing and you wonder why she just doesn’t come out and SAY she misses you instead of just saying she’s “working through things”...uh, yeah. Sister Mary is projecting and going to stop now.
Seriously, though. Venus is beginning her spectacular return which should be complete in the middle of October. Old lovers from the past begin popping out of the woodwork like cockroaches—when you see one, there are ten more stalking you on MySpace. You’re doing it to them, too. Don’t lie. Maybe the beginning of the return of the Romance Planet will distract you from the problems you’re having dealing with creativity issues and the meaning of God (both symptoms of having Uranus and Neptune in cursed Retrograde). Hope you had some fun this weekend, because both the sun and moon will be in Virgo for most of the coming week, which means OCD-level attention to spell-check at the job will be required. You may find your boss spontaneously firing all illegal alien employees, possibly even fleeing back to Saturn herself. Virgos worry, and so there is likely to be plenty of paranoia to feed it in the coming days.
It’s the week of September 9-15!!! Don’t get TOO depressed…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
How many Aries spent last week sleeping on the couch because of some do-do bird statement said to their touchy-touchy significant other? Billions, surely. This is particularly true if Aries happened to be involved with a Taurus or Pisces, both of whom spent most of last week fuming and stewing. Aries, Czar/Czarina of “I REALLY don’t want to DEAL with this SH*T right now…” is going to have to drop the pissy ego and go talk to the other person. I guarantee, they’re already checking out your brother because you were an inconsiderate wiener. Kid brother “understands so much better.” Plan on the rift taking awhile to heal, because it will. Be patient or go away.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
No one is going to appreciate the return of Venus more than poor little Taurus, who lamented its loss like a cheerleader stood up at the prom. Things of a romantic nature will perk up for Taurus this week—much to the delight of many an AstrologyExplained Taurean reader, who have been requesting Hot Date readings for awhile. While your date may not be hot, your date will definitely be sweet and probably buy you presents. If you’re partnered, said partner will not completely abandon the super-annoying things you’ve been hoping they would, but they’ll be making a better effort to do the dishes and stop peeing on the seat. Changes take time, particularly pretty, happy changes. Be patient and call your local Aries. They’ll sympathize.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Welcome to Wild and Wacky Gemini Week, where your already imbalanced serotonin levels will reincarnate into a brand new Six Flags Ride that will leave everyone around you either whiplashed or nauseous. Hold off on all trips to the DMV as it’s definitely a good time to avoid assholes. That includes your socially inept but usually tolerable drinking buddies. Some major personal issues need to be addressed and for you, Gemini, it looks to be a work-related conundrum. Use this Virgo-Virgo thing to your advantage. You could use the focus (duh) and more people will be open to listen to you yammer.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
If you, Cancer, are reading this, then you survived the turmoil of last week. We, the sentimental critters, felt Venus’s loss and slow, creepy return almost as strongly as our Taurus brothers and sisters. The major issue of this week will be to understand that we’re emotionally exhausted and not so capable of dealing with insensitive comments said in our general direction. We’re not only going to have to avoid assholes, we’re actually going to have to dump/fire/stab them. Crabs, who would rather loose an arm than release the claw, suck at this. We’ve got to learn that repeating mistakes doesn’t make up for it. It leads to additional therapist bills and alcohol poisoning.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Wow. I loathe seeing an unhappy Leo, but something at the end of last week has caused our Leos to trip over their lower lips through even the coolest parties all weekend! It doesn’t look like it was anything too devastating. The other kittens at the party wanted to rusty old Spin the Bottle, while you were purring and ready to play Extreme Strip Poker. Do you understand that not everyone looks as good in a split-crotch tanga as you do? Forcing them to expose their moth eaten Granny-Panties simply turns you into a bully, and no one likes that. You’re not as likely to see as many super cool opportunities in the coming days as you’d like, but take heart. I feel an invitation to take a burlesque class coming your sweet way.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Perhaps you had a milestone birthday this year, and your gift from the Universe was the keys to Its primordial secrets. Not likely, but if so, please send Sister Mary a copy of the soon-to-be-best-seller about it, with a naked picture of you attached. Even if the Universe did grant you such a gift, do you actually think you’re going to have any more luck than thousands of modern scientists in overturning Creationist notions? Your truth about the Big Bang being in actuality a Big Ink Fart from a Cosmic Octopus will impress upon few. Whatever juicy tid-bit you discovered, keep it to yourself and ponder it at this time. You, Virgo, are excellent at this pondering thing, but not always so good at keeping stuff in. Work on keeping your mouth shut. You’ll find it easier to obsess.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Well, we’ve unfortunately hit a rough patch for the Libras of the Universe. Some kind of something had to be left behind on this stage of their cosmic journey. Take heart. The company blocking Gmail means you’re less likely to piss someone off by putting in your significant other’s chat window what should have belonged in your extra-lover’s. Oopsie! And your significant other happens to be your boss? You could be dodging a giant bullet, Libra. You’ll need lots of eye-batting to keep that job and piece of ass. You won’t get enormous amounts of sympathy for this loss, as your constantly breaking through your friends’ BUSY sign was getting on their nerves. Use your slacking on the job time for more productive purposes, such as researching the things mean nasty Walmart is up to now. It’ll make you sound smarter at the coffee house, too.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
I think you should call a discussion group for Aries, Geminis and Scorpios to sit around and discuss communication issues. But call me first and let me know where it is so I can be FAR, FAR AWAY. That’s a scary combination, there. Scorpio, you too are missing cues and mistakenly thinking everyone around you is speaking Ancient Greek. Take the time to stop and ask for clarification. Avoid your trait of maneuvering what you don’t like hearing into something you’d rather hear, i.e.: “You’re saying you want me to untie you, but what I’m hearing is you want me to call your sister and have her come over, too…” This will get you nowhere and re-establish your already creepy vibe. Listen to what others are saying, and don’t respond to any of it. Go meditate and write some inane private blog about it. Others will appreciate and deep down, you do so want to please.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Wrapped in the arms of LOVE this week, it looks like! Wait. Still don’t have our Love Planet back. Well, Sag can still be wrapped in the arms of what looks like Love, but is actually Love’s morbid twin, Suck—who has razor blades for arms. (No, I wasn’t a gothic teen, but I sat next to plenty in English class) Sag has hurt feelings this week, and it looks like something their partner, lover or crush object did. Sag, everyone forgets that you have feelings. It’s sad and mean, but it’s true. You’re just so damn happy most of the time! You need to speak up about your wounds and ask for a lot of flowers, liquor and ice cream to make up for it. You’re certainly worth it. Was this an Aries? Ask for even more. Those kids got into serious trouble last week…
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Oh, what? You’re jealous that Sag is getting all the attention so you want to have a pity party, too? Sorry, Capricorn, I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but your latest drama just doesn’t have enough draw. You’re tapping your cloven foot in the corner, waiting for your turn to get attention. That’s only going to make people less likely to buy you beer. I think you had a very similar reading last week. If you’re making me repeat myself, I’m totally coming after you with the biggest ruler in the whole, wide world and you won’t find it kinky. No, not even a little.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Your happy streak last week will stay with you at least until Wednesday! It would be so great if we could all learn something from your bunny-sunshine attitude, but it looks as though we’re all more likely to be gigantic jizz-sickles to you, instead. We’re jealous. End of story. You’ll probably find yourself dancing all alone in the club, because we all got sick of watching you catch all the sexy barflies. If you find yourself dancing alone in the street, we left because people think you’re weird. If you’re dancing alone on the roof, come down. You are disallowed further trips to the ER, Death-Wish-Water-Bearer. Enjoy this time alone, play and/or entertain yourself before Mama Chaos returns.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Another spiritual/philosophical/conspiratorial revelation, Pisces? You plan on embracing this one, or ignoring it again? You are only allowed a certain number of enlightened moments. Pisces tend to get more than most of the signs, but often lack the Get-Off-The-Couch-ity to put them into a sort of practice that will benefit the world. You’d better act on it this time, because The Great Bringer of Suck has Her wandering eye on you. That dream about flying monkeys breaking through your windows and soaring off with your peanut butter and pickles may be a sign to finally get some security gates in place. Sister Mary will hold no sympathy for you should you ignore your premonitions.
Seriously, though. Venus is beginning her spectacular return which should be complete in the middle of October. Old lovers from the past begin popping out of the woodwork like cockroaches—when you see one, there are ten more stalking you on MySpace. You’re doing it to them, too. Don’t lie. Maybe the beginning of the return of the Romance Planet will distract you from the problems you’re having dealing with creativity issues and the meaning of God (both symptoms of having Uranus and Neptune in cursed Retrograde). Hope you had some fun this weekend, because both the sun and moon will be in Virgo for most of the coming week, which means OCD-level attention to spell-check at the job will be required. You may find your boss spontaneously firing all illegal alien employees, possibly even fleeing back to Saturn herself. Virgos worry, and so there is likely to be plenty of paranoia to feed it in the coming days.
It’s the week of September 9-15!!! Don’t get TOO depressed…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
How many Aries spent last week sleeping on the couch because of some do-do bird statement said to their touchy-touchy significant other? Billions, surely. This is particularly true if Aries happened to be involved with a Taurus or Pisces, both of whom spent most of last week fuming and stewing. Aries, Czar/Czarina of “I REALLY don’t want to DEAL with this SH*T right now…” is going to have to drop the pissy ego and go talk to the other person. I guarantee, they’re already checking out your brother because you were an inconsiderate wiener. Kid brother “understands so much better.” Plan on the rift taking awhile to heal, because it will. Be patient or go away.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
No one is going to appreciate the return of Venus more than poor little Taurus, who lamented its loss like a cheerleader stood up at the prom. Things of a romantic nature will perk up for Taurus this week—much to the delight of many an AstrologyExplained Taurean reader, who have been requesting Hot Date readings for awhile. While your date may not be hot, your date will definitely be sweet and probably buy you presents. If you’re partnered, said partner will not completely abandon the super-annoying things you’ve been hoping they would, but they’ll be making a better effort to do the dishes and stop peeing on the seat. Changes take time, particularly pretty, happy changes. Be patient and call your local Aries. They’ll sympathize.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Welcome to Wild and Wacky Gemini Week, where your already imbalanced serotonin levels will reincarnate into a brand new Six Flags Ride that will leave everyone around you either whiplashed or nauseous. Hold off on all trips to the DMV as it’s definitely a good time to avoid assholes. That includes your socially inept but usually tolerable drinking buddies. Some major personal issues need to be addressed and for you, Gemini, it looks to be a work-related conundrum. Use this Virgo-Virgo thing to your advantage. You could use the focus (duh) and more people will be open to listen to you yammer.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
If you, Cancer, are reading this, then you survived the turmoil of last week. We, the sentimental critters, felt Venus’s loss and slow, creepy return almost as strongly as our Taurus brothers and sisters. The major issue of this week will be to understand that we’re emotionally exhausted and not so capable of dealing with insensitive comments said in our general direction. We’re not only going to have to avoid assholes, we’re actually going to have to dump/fire/stab them. Crabs, who would rather loose an arm than release the claw, suck at this. We’ve got to learn that repeating mistakes doesn’t make up for it. It leads to additional therapist bills and alcohol poisoning.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Wow. I loathe seeing an unhappy Leo, but something at the end of last week has caused our Leos to trip over their lower lips through even the coolest parties all weekend! It doesn’t look like it was anything too devastating. The other kittens at the party wanted to rusty old Spin the Bottle, while you were purring and ready to play Extreme Strip Poker. Do you understand that not everyone looks as good in a split-crotch tanga as you do? Forcing them to expose their moth eaten Granny-Panties simply turns you into a bully, and no one likes that. You’re not as likely to see as many super cool opportunities in the coming days as you’d like, but take heart. I feel an invitation to take a burlesque class coming your sweet way.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Perhaps you had a milestone birthday this year, and your gift from the Universe was the keys to Its primordial secrets. Not likely, but if so, please send Sister Mary a copy of the soon-to-be-best-seller about it, with a naked picture of you attached. Even if the Universe did grant you such a gift, do you actually think you’re going to have any more luck than thousands of modern scientists in overturning Creationist notions? Your truth about the Big Bang being in actuality a Big Ink Fart from a Cosmic Octopus will impress upon few. Whatever juicy tid-bit you discovered, keep it to yourself and ponder it at this time. You, Virgo, are excellent at this pondering thing, but not always so good at keeping stuff in. Work on keeping your mouth shut. You’ll find it easier to obsess.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Well, we’ve unfortunately hit a rough patch for the Libras of the Universe. Some kind of something had to be left behind on this stage of their cosmic journey. Take heart. The company blocking Gmail means you’re less likely to piss someone off by putting in your significant other’s chat window what should have belonged in your extra-lover’s. Oopsie! And your significant other happens to be your boss? You could be dodging a giant bullet, Libra. You’ll need lots of eye-batting to keep that job and piece of ass. You won’t get enormous amounts of sympathy for this loss, as your constantly breaking through your friends’ BUSY sign was getting on their nerves. Use your slacking on the job time for more productive purposes, such as researching the things mean nasty Walmart is up to now. It’ll make you sound smarter at the coffee house, too.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
I think you should call a discussion group for Aries, Geminis and Scorpios to sit around and discuss communication issues. But call me first and let me know where it is so I can be FAR, FAR AWAY. That’s a scary combination, there. Scorpio, you too are missing cues and mistakenly thinking everyone around you is speaking Ancient Greek. Take the time to stop and ask for clarification. Avoid your trait of maneuvering what you don’t like hearing into something you’d rather hear, i.e.: “You’re saying you want me to untie you, but what I’m hearing is you want me to call your sister and have her come over, too…” This will get you nowhere and re-establish your already creepy vibe. Listen to what others are saying, and don’t respond to any of it. Go meditate and write some inane private blog about it. Others will appreciate and deep down, you do so want to please.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Wrapped in the arms of LOVE this week, it looks like! Wait. Still don’t have our Love Planet back. Well, Sag can still be wrapped in the arms of what looks like Love, but is actually Love’s morbid twin, Suck—who has razor blades for arms. (No, I wasn’t a gothic teen, but I sat next to plenty in English class) Sag has hurt feelings this week, and it looks like something their partner, lover or crush object did. Sag, everyone forgets that you have feelings. It’s sad and mean, but it’s true. You’re just so damn happy most of the time! You need to speak up about your wounds and ask for a lot of flowers, liquor and ice cream to make up for it. You’re certainly worth it. Was this an Aries? Ask for even more. Those kids got into serious trouble last week…
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Oh, what? You’re jealous that Sag is getting all the attention so you want to have a pity party, too? Sorry, Capricorn, I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but your latest drama just doesn’t have enough draw. You’re tapping your cloven foot in the corner, waiting for your turn to get attention. That’s only going to make people less likely to buy you beer. I think you had a very similar reading last week. If you’re making me repeat myself, I’m totally coming after you with the biggest ruler in the whole, wide world and you won’t find it kinky. No, not even a little.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Your happy streak last week will stay with you at least until Wednesday! It would be so great if we could all learn something from your bunny-sunshine attitude, but it looks as though we’re all more likely to be gigantic jizz-sickles to you, instead. We’re jealous. End of story. You’ll probably find yourself dancing all alone in the club, because we all got sick of watching you catch all the sexy barflies. If you find yourself dancing alone in the street, we left because people think you’re weird. If you’re dancing alone on the roof, come down. You are disallowed further trips to the ER, Death-Wish-Water-Bearer. Enjoy this time alone, play and/or entertain yourself before Mama Chaos returns.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Another spiritual/philosophical/conspiratorial revelation, Pisces? You plan on embracing this one, or ignoring it again? You are only allowed a certain number of enlightened moments. Pisces tend to get more than most of the signs, but often lack the Get-Off-The-Couch-ity to put them into a sort of practice that will benefit the world. You’d better act on it this time, because The Great Bringer of Suck has Her wandering eye on you. That dream about flying monkeys breaking through your windows and soaring off with your peanut butter and pickles may be a sign to finally get some security gates in place. Sister Mary will hold no sympathy for you should you ignore your premonitions.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Multi-Retrogrades...
…but they’re not all so bad. Thank the Goddess: Mercury happens to be in town this week, and since we’re in Virgoville, it’s a good time to have overly analytical conversations about everything that’s been bugging you this year. Venus, one of the many Retrogrades, will leave us all babbling over Chilean red about what’s missing from our romantic spectrum. On top of that, Uranus has been backing our slowly (hee hee), which may explain why you suddenly suck at improv. Uranus, being the planet of Innovation and Genius Qualities can seriously drain our creativity when pulling out. Virgo-time is generally a time for focusing on projects and suffering creative blocks during this time doubly sucks. Oh, yeah. Neptune is Retrograding, too. Neptune governs spiritual innovation, and if you’ve never wondering if God is dead—you may find yourself wondering just that in the coming days. Alternately, if you’ve always been pretty sure God is dead, your spiritual forensic evidence may turn up flat and useless—your arguments failing in the face of Team Born Again. Wait….PLUTO is in Retrograde, too!!! So, NASA says it’s not a real planet. That doesn’t change the fact that the little icy beauty is up there wringing things around in the Cosmos. Pluto, governing the occult, will make your Magic 8 ball spin out of wack during its backwards bounce. It looks as though we’re all going to be contemplating love, God and our own contributions to the evolution of humanity in the coming few weeks—and feeling like a failure at all of it. You know, light stuff.
Wait! Don’t get down hearted! The moon is in Taurus so it’s a fabulous time to make money! Go out there, earn and spend like the good little Capitalists you are. No, the Evil Empire did not pay me to say this (although they should…). With Mercury and Mars hanging around, you’ll have plenty of people to debate and discuss the things mentioned above. When it gets to be too much, do some retail therapy. But only for a short while. It’s a means to an end, not a personal philosophy.
And if you’re in New York City this week, come out to the Ass-tro Hour next weekend!!!
The Ass-tro Hour
Saturday, Sept. 8, 9:00 PM
Stain Bar766 Grand Street
brooklyn, ny 11211(L to Grand, 1 block west)
718/387-7840
http://www.stainbar.com/
$FREE
Special guests this week: Michele Carlo (of The MOTH, The Liar, Producer and Host of It Came From New York) tells the unbelievable true story: “Night of the Black Chrysanthemums”: growing up between warring Santaria neighbors. Also, Voodoo Priestess Lilith Dorsey with true tales of things she’s seen and done in her world of New Orleans Voodoo. Of course, Ass-trological Q&A and the World Famous Magic Microphone!!! Show up, fools!!!
Welcome to the Week of September 2-8!!! It’s all going to rain thorn-less roses from here on out…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries, good work. You fought firmly for your little piece of being right and finally gave up when whatever beast you were fighting couldn’t feel the bricks you flung at its hard head. This is part of something you’re learning at present—when to give up before you collapse, exhausted, into the pile of garbage on the sidewalk. If you feel like your retreat was in weakness, listen to Sister Mary. It wasn’t. Sure, you might be hearing chicken “bwak-bwaks” from surrounding morons. Give them the finger and walk away. This ego battle you’ve been fighting all year is unappealing. It’s time to cross the threshold and move on into an even more annoying ego-battle. Hey, no one said it would ever stop…just morph a bit.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Damn. All sorts of things happened to Taurus this week. I’m inclined to blame Aries, but perhaps it’s because I’ve just finished their reading. Your sensitive little selves got hurt in some drunken barroom verbal blowout and you stormed off angrily. Now, Taurus. Not everyone likes to chase an angry bull. Have you any clue how freaky you look when you’re pissed? The person or situation from which you stormed is not pursuing you because they’re rather not end up with your horns up their booty. Take this time to cool off. Mercury’s influence will help you better express yourself while your home planet is away. Approach those who need approaching and speak calmly, but don’t expect them to come looking for you.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
With the Communication gods abounding, you’ll probably be called in to, in the very least, entertain people with your rambling stories, if not provide some good, solid wisdom. Normally, Gemini, you become frustrated because you don’t feel people adequately listen to you. This won’t be such an issue this week as your fast talking ways will be comforting to many a wounded ego. Most Geminis have recently experienced personal break-throughs or break-downs which have supplied them with much wisdom to impart. But don’t forget to do your own share of listening. When friends come for comfort, set an egg timer for six minutes. That’s your talking time. When it’s up, set it again for six minutes, which will be your listening time. It’s a good time to solidify relationships of all kinds, so take advantage of the egg timer.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
They say Saturn: Planet of Disruption is finally moving out of the Cancerian realm. Don’t know about you kittens, but Sister Mary hasn’t had a break yet. Cancers crave peace, yet we have a hard time pulling out of drama. This week, even our most sincere efforts to avoid insanity will not prevail. For some reason, we’ll be flung back into the Chaos mixing bowl as a primary ingredient. The good news is that it won’t be terribly damaging, and will provide plenty of fodder for ironic laughter over cold beer next weekend. Take deep breaths and keep the condom strapped tight. It’s going to be another wild week.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
I’m so thankful to have finally pulled a reading that won’t send you kittens right back under the couch. Leo, Oracles in the Cauldron are not nearly as nasty as they appear. Remember that next time you find yourself all upset over a particularly foreboding-sounding horrorscope. Anyway…couple’s counseling worked well, right? That’s what the monkeys are chattering, anyway. Your careful choice of “I” statements instead of “You Bastard” statements in last week’s dramatic chapter lead to a solidified position in your current partnership—friend, lover or dungeon master. Now, the lesson has not yet been completed. It will take awhile for the safety words to catch on, so don’t expect lashings—symbolic or actual—to cease, or continue, as you’d like in the immediate. Patience, gentle lion. You know you’ve got it in you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgo was like a Hobbitt this week—giving away cool stuff on their birthday. Attention Non-Virgos: they totally pulled one over on us. The tube socks and label-makers they gave away in abundance were actually leftover White Elephant presents from last year’s office Christmas party. Hell, I needed a label maker for the herb cabinet—so it worked out fine over here. Virgo, it was sure as hell time you let go of some of that stuff. In fact, you should continue to do so! Now this is what’s harder. Time to give up the Retro NES because it’s keeping you confined to your parents’ basement when you should be out on the prowl for hotties. It’s your birthday! Who wants to pass up a possible birthday adventure? You, do, Virgo, because you’re still obsessed with getting Mario to jump the flagpole. You don’t get extra lives for that. Trust Sister Mary, she knows.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras have all been too DAMN HAPPY these past few months and it was pissing the rest of us off. Libra who sailed through Mercury’s Tyrannical Retrograde earlier this summer; Libra who has so far simply shrugged at Venus’s horrendous disappearance. Libra, your luck isn’t about to change, but your attitude is for some reason. Someone must have run over your sandaled feet with a grocery cart at just the right angle, bringing up a horridly repressed memory locked in an inconspicuous toe. Why are you suddenly picking at your significant other for their behavior at your mom’s house three Thanksgivings ago? Why are you suddenly writing poetry about the high school English teacher you severely crushed-on, the one who went to jail for groping your best friend? Libra, these things don’t seem to need to be rehashed, but you seem to think they do. Journal them, and then burn the journal for god’s sake. Please don’t blog or blather about this to people. We’re all going to get creeped out.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Ah, so it was a triumphant week for our rulers of Chaos! Yes, there is a note that the Scorpios of the Universe managed to wrangle the prince or princess out of the tower of doom (I don’t know why I need fantasy images to explain Scorpio…but it seems to work) and sped off on their magical scooter to a far away land. It wasn’t until they got to the faraway land that Scorpio discovered they didn’t have very much in common with the coveted royalty. Now, they’re stuck with an OCD-ridden drama-priss who still isn’t over their ex and snores to boot. Maybe it’s time you acknowledged that your impulsive streak can damage others as well as yourself. Politely tell the prince or princess that eloping might have been a mistake and give them plenty of cab fare to get back to the tower. Then, run, run, RUN. Faster, you lard-ass. Do NOT let this situation follow you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
So, your disruption of last week cost you a bunch of cash. That’s what happens when you let crazy Aunt Carla drive the car instead of pulling her license like the doctor said to. Since you’re without cash, don’t use this time to knock down walls in the garage that are probably better off as they are. Try that meditation thing you’ve been meaning to get to. Focus on becoming a more evolved spiritual being so that next lifetime, you can come back as a Queen or Emperor with lots of cash to throw at problems such as these. This will help with your focus, which will help you to be able to actually read through a horrorscope before the shiny object becomes too fascinating. Did you get that? Sag? Hello? Damnit.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn, you too ran out of cash this week and few signs hate that more than you do. But you didn’t lose your resources because you were being a drunken moron who dropped their wallet on the subway tracks. You “lost” your money because you were called upon to be the grown-up. Increasing your student loan payments, knocking off a credit card debt, helping a frazzled sibling get Dad into a new adult day care you hope won’t kick him out this time…Capricorn, the Universe will reward you. Don’t do your typical “Woe is I, my well is dry and none of you assholes CARE!” dance. We do kind of care. In fact, some of us more than “kind of” care and want to buy you dinner for being so appropriately martyr-istic. Do us a favor and bring the Capricorn charm when we take you out, not the goat braying.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
One of the few signs with occasion for joy this week…yay, Aquarius!!! A multitude of problems were solved and harmony restored in all the delicious places. You deserve it. Aquarius is one of the few signs in which it’s hard to resent their happiness. You’re just too darn sweet to resent. Surely, there are a few of us out there, so ignore anyone who grumbles at you. Enjoy this peaceful week and snuggle with your sweeties, if you got ‘em. Don’t burrow too deeply into your cozy little nest. There’s lots of fun to be had in the late summer sunshine, and many of us could use your happy-happy-joy-joy energy. Come out and play!!!
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Oh, Pisces. I cannot believe I pulled this reading for you again. Trapped in a situation created by events out of your hands, you’re sitting on the side of the road again, smoking cigarettes and feeling incredibly sorry for yourself. Pisces, wanting the situation to go away does not equate to situation actually going away. The Universe is going to send one more big, giant revelation your way to try and help. Take advantage of this revelation and use it to get out of this predicament. If you don’t, you’ll end up sunburned on the side of the great Cosmic Freeway. Over and out.
Wait! Don’t get down hearted! The moon is in Taurus so it’s a fabulous time to make money! Go out there, earn and spend like the good little Capitalists you are. No, the Evil Empire did not pay me to say this (although they should…). With Mercury and Mars hanging around, you’ll have plenty of people to debate and discuss the things mentioned above. When it gets to be too much, do some retail therapy. But only for a short while. It’s a means to an end, not a personal philosophy.
And if you’re in New York City this week, come out to the Ass-tro Hour next weekend!!!
The Ass-tro Hour
Saturday, Sept. 8, 9:00 PM
Stain Bar766 Grand Street
brooklyn, ny 11211(L to Grand, 1 block west)
718/387-7840
http://www.stainbar.com/
$FREE
Special guests this week: Michele Carlo (of The MOTH, The Liar, Producer and Host of It Came From New York) tells the unbelievable true story: “Night of the Black Chrysanthemums”: growing up between warring Santaria neighbors. Also, Voodoo Priestess Lilith Dorsey with true tales of things she’s seen and done in her world of New Orleans Voodoo. Of course, Ass-trological Q&A and the World Famous Magic Microphone!!! Show up, fools!!!
Welcome to the Week of September 2-8!!! It’s all going to rain thorn-less roses from here on out…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries, good work. You fought firmly for your little piece of being right and finally gave up when whatever beast you were fighting couldn’t feel the bricks you flung at its hard head. This is part of something you’re learning at present—when to give up before you collapse, exhausted, into the pile of garbage on the sidewalk. If you feel like your retreat was in weakness, listen to Sister Mary. It wasn’t. Sure, you might be hearing chicken “bwak-bwaks” from surrounding morons. Give them the finger and walk away. This ego battle you’ve been fighting all year is unappealing. It’s time to cross the threshold and move on into an even more annoying ego-battle. Hey, no one said it would ever stop…just morph a bit.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Damn. All sorts of things happened to Taurus this week. I’m inclined to blame Aries, but perhaps it’s because I’ve just finished their reading. Your sensitive little selves got hurt in some drunken barroom verbal blowout and you stormed off angrily. Now, Taurus. Not everyone likes to chase an angry bull. Have you any clue how freaky you look when you’re pissed? The person or situation from which you stormed is not pursuing you because they’re rather not end up with your horns up their booty. Take this time to cool off. Mercury’s influence will help you better express yourself while your home planet is away. Approach those who need approaching and speak calmly, but don’t expect them to come looking for you.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
With the Communication gods abounding, you’ll probably be called in to, in the very least, entertain people with your rambling stories, if not provide some good, solid wisdom. Normally, Gemini, you become frustrated because you don’t feel people adequately listen to you. This won’t be such an issue this week as your fast talking ways will be comforting to many a wounded ego. Most Geminis have recently experienced personal break-throughs or break-downs which have supplied them with much wisdom to impart. But don’t forget to do your own share of listening. When friends come for comfort, set an egg timer for six minutes. That’s your talking time. When it’s up, set it again for six minutes, which will be your listening time. It’s a good time to solidify relationships of all kinds, so take advantage of the egg timer.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
They say Saturn: Planet of Disruption is finally moving out of the Cancerian realm. Don’t know about you kittens, but Sister Mary hasn’t had a break yet. Cancers crave peace, yet we have a hard time pulling out of drama. This week, even our most sincere efforts to avoid insanity will not prevail. For some reason, we’ll be flung back into the Chaos mixing bowl as a primary ingredient. The good news is that it won’t be terribly damaging, and will provide plenty of fodder for ironic laughter over cold beer next weekend. Take deep breaths and keep the condom strapped tight. It’s going to be another wild week.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
I’m so thankful to have finally pulled a reading that won’t send you kittens right back under the couch. Leo, Oracles in the Cauldron are not nearly as nasty as they appear. Remember that next time you find yourself all upset over a particularly foreboding-sounding horrorscope. Anyway…couple’s counseling worked well, right? That’s what the monkeys are chattering, anyway. Your careful choice of “I” statements instead of “You Bastard” statements in last week’s dramatic chapter lead to a solidified position in your current partnership—friend, lover or dungeon master. Now, the lesson has not yet been completed. It will take awhile for the safety words to catch on, so don’t expect lashings—symbolic or actual—to cease, or continue, as you’d like in the immediate. Patience, gentle lion. You know you’ve got it in you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgo was like a Hobbitt this week—giving away cool stuff on their birthday. Attention Non-Virgos: they totally pulled one over on us. The tube socks and label-makers they gave away in abundance were actually leftover White Elephant presents from last year’s office Christmas party. Hell, I needed a label maker for the herb cabinet—so it worked out fine over here. Virgo, it was sure as hell time you let go of some of that stuff. In fact, you should continue to do so! Now this is what’s harder. Time to give up the Retro NES because it’s keeping you confined to your parents’ basement when you should be out on the prowl for hotties. It’s your birthday! Who wants to pass up a possible birthday adventure? You, do, Virgo, because you’re still obsessed with getting Mario to jump the flagpole. You don’t get extra lives for that. Trust Sister Mary, she knows.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras have all been too DAMN HAPPY these past few months and it was pissing the rest of us off. Libra who sailed through Mercury’s Tyrannical Retrograde earlier this summer; Libra who has so far simply shrugged at Venus’s horrendous disappearance. Libra, your luck isn’t about to change, but your attitude is for some reason. Someone must have run over your sandaled feet with a grocery cart at just the right angle, bringing up a horridly repressed memory locked in an inconspicuous toe. Why are you suddenly picking at your significant other for their behavior at your mom’s house three Thanksgivings ago? Why are you suddenly writing poetry about the high school English teacher you severely crushed-on, the one who went to jail for groping your best friend? Libra, these things don’t seem to need to be rehashed, but you seem to think they do. Journal them, and then burn the journal for god’s sake. Please don’t blog or blather about this to people. We’re all going to get creeped out.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Ah, so it was a triumphant week for our rulers of Chaos! Yes, there is a note that the Scorpios of the Universe managed to wrangle the prince or princess out of the tower of doom (I don’t know why I need fantasy images to explain Scorpio…but it seems to work) and sped off on their magical scooter to a far away land. It wasn’t until they got to the faraway land that Scorpio discovered they didn’t have very much in common with the coveted royalty. Now, they’re stuck with an OCD-ridden drama-priss who still isn’t over their ex and snores to boot. Maybe it’s time you acknowledged that your impulsive streak can damage others as well as yourself. Politely tell the prince or princess that eloping might have been a mistake and give them plenty of cab fare to get back to the tower. Then, run, run, RUN. Faster, you lard-ass. Do NOT let this situation follow you.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
So, your disruption of last week cost you a bunch of cash. That’s what happens when you let crazy Aunt Carla drive the car instead of pulling her license like the doctor said to. Since you’re without cash, don’t use this time to knock down walls in the garage that are probably better off as they are. Try that meditation thing you’ve been meaning to get to. Focus on becoming a more evolved spiritual being so that next lifetime, you can come back as a Queen or Emperor with lots of cash to throw at problems such as these. This will help with your focus, which will help you to be able to actually read through a horrorscope before the shiny object becomes too fascinating. Did you get that? Sag? Hello? Damnit.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn, you too ran out of cash this week and few signs hate that more than you do. But you didn’t lose your resources because you were being a drunken moron who dropped their wallet on the subway tracks. You “lost” your money because you were called upon to be the grown-up. Increasing your student loan payments, knocking off a credit card debt, helping a frazzled sibling get Dad into a new adult day care you hope won’t kick him out this time…Capricorn, the Universe will reward you. Don’t do your typical “Woe is I, my well is dry and none of you assholes CARE!” dance. We do kind of care. In fact, some of us more than “kind of” care and want to buy you dinner for being so appropriately martyr-istic. Do us a favor and bring the Capricorn charm when we take you out, not the goat braying.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
One of the few signs with occasion for joy this week…yay, Aquarius!!! A multitude of problems were solved and harmony restored in all the delicious places. You deserve it. Aquarius is one of the few signs in which it’s hard to resent their happiness. You’re just too darn sweet to resent. Surely, there are a few of us out there, so ignore anyone who grumbles at you. Enjoy this peaceful week and snuggle with your sweeties, if you got ‘em. Don’t burrow too deeply into your cozy little nest. There’s lots of fun to be had in the late summer sunshine, and many of us could use your happy-happy-joy-joy energy. Come out and play!!!
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Oh, Pisces. I cannot believe I pulled this reading for you again. Trapped in a situation created by events out of your hands, you’re sitting on the side of the road again, smoking cigarettes and feeling incredibly sorry for yourself. Pisces, wanting the situation to go away does not equate to situation actually going away. The Universe is going to send one more big, giant revelation your way to try and help. Take advantage of this revelation and use it to get out of this predicament. If you don’t, you’ll end up sunburned on the side of the great Cosmic Freeway. Over and out.
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