Exactly HOW much Leo?

Umm…how much Leo do we really need?

We’ve got the sun in Leo. We’ve got the moon in Leo. Mercury is hanging out in Leo. Venus (still in cursed Retrograde, the cretin…) in Leo. Now, while having a bunch of sexy beasts gallivanting through the cosmos is normally Sister Mary’s idea of a fantastic weekend, these next few days are going to be nutty.

Sun and Moon in Leo: everyone will need lots of attention. Including you! While you’re shaking your rhythm less booty down the street, make sure you flatter total strangers. You’ll find that it’s desperately important that you go out looking far sexier than all of your friends when you go out. In order to keep them from pushing you onto the subway tracks when you’re not looking, make sure you flatter the hell out of them, so they don’t know that, you’re actually the sexiest kitten in the litter.

Wait, it gets better….

Mercury in Leo: The communication planet in the bombastic leadership sign? Crap. Suddenly, people need to reaffirm their quasi-authority. Your boss is seriously going to come down on you for your frivolous Facebook hours. And she’s not going to be nice about it, either. Are you the boss? Watch how you come down on the plebians. Your chances of being a condescending asshole greatly increase in this Leo/Leo/Leo alignment.

Hold on. I got more….

Venus in Leo, too??? Normally, when that pretty love planet is hanging out with Leo, all you kids are going to get laid, a lot, and it’s going to be fiery and feisty with all kindza cute cuddles at the end. Leos love that stuff. But this week, Venus is continuing her back-away/back-away dance through Leo, which means you and your multiple partners are likely to experience extreme bouts of “Do I look like a cow in this?” Any signs of distraction in our partners will make us paranoid that they’re boinking every neighbor in the building and blogging about how much better in the sack they are.

Oh, dear. It’s going to be a crazy week. But when isn’t it, really? We all need to sit in circles and do the shoulder rub of the person in front of us thing. It’s an ego stroking, week, kids. Keep it in mind when you’re out there looking for someone to stroke yours.

Welcome to the week of August 12-18! You’re not so bad, yourself!!!

Aries (March 21-April 19)
While Aries is known for its leadership qualities, Aries is not as vocal as Leo. Aries sits in the back of the Holy Conference room, arms folded, shaking their head at the dumbass droning on in the front. Aries knows better and will do better. Just wait. This week, though, unexpected events will prevent Aries from fixing all the screw-ups around them. Let’s hope that whatever prevents Aries from sabotaging their co-worker’s inane plans have more to do with head colds than bridge or subway calamities. Aries, please give yourself a day or two to let the bleeding stop before you go running back into the chaos. That way, you won’t pass out.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus is probably the one crawling up Aries’s ram this week. Increased Leo influence is bringing out Taurus’s “My way…MY way…MY WAY!!!” The problem is, Taurus, you get all kinds of ideas and not always a solid plan for how the hell to do that. This week, while you’re word-vomiting your brilliant ideas to everyone you know, prepare yourself to hear, “Nope. Not gonna happen.” This does not mean your friends or co-workers are douches. This only means that it’s simply not your turn to be right. Best course of action would be to go sulk in the corner bar. You’re guaranteed to find lots of other sulkers. Lots of people want to be in charge this week, but there are only so many have the correct zodiac alignment to make that happen.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Gemini is swiftly finding out that no one is paying attention to their circular stories at the party. This doesn’t mean, Gemini, that you are any less interesting than you were last weekend. It means that every other sign is engaged in getting you to listen to their incredibly long-winded stories about doing shrooms in Vermont, too. Good news, Gemini. While you may not be getting all the attention you normally do, you’re going to have a fun week because all the hotties are coming out to play. This means new friends! New lovers! More dramatic enemies to obsess over! You may be the only one in the cosmos who will be thoroughly excited by the excess of Leo influence. Fan those flames of fickle passion, just like the good little bi-polar air sign you are!

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
When everyone starts bickering about who gets to play what BDSM role, they call in Mom to straighten it out. Still reeling from the effects of a very nasty Mercury in Retrograde earlier this summer (Cancer takes awhile to recover from everything), the Zodiac Mommies and Daddies would rather hide out in their bathtubs with the scented candles burning for the next few days. We’ll probably need to get out there and straighten up a few squabbles, but it’s our turn. Everyone else has been extremely patient with us. For losses that Cancerians have experienced this summer, it’s time to stop lamenting and time to start updating the Match.com profiles—if it was that kind of loss. The Universe keeps saying opportunity is provided in a loss. It better mean it.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Well, Leo. All the critters in the Universe are starting to get a good idea of what it’s like to be you, all the time. Looks as though you and Aries will be trapped in the same elevator this week. Some crazy event is going to prevent you from doing all the cool shit you had planned this week. Don’t panic and don’t take it out on Aries. They will punch you in the nose. Some kind of lesson didn’t get through to you the first hundred times The Great Universal Teacher sent your way. This time, they’re wrapping you up in saran wrap until you figure it out. Before you panic and start tearing up the couch, get a grip and know that things are going to be better after you get out of the elevator, or whatever GUT has in store for you.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
All right, Virgo. With a plethora of egos colliding skull-first all around, you’re going to be called, again, to play Constructive Communication Guy or Girl. This time, it looks like Cancer’s going to be on your side, so try communicating with those whiney bitches, too. They might be helpful. You’re going to have to do your un-favorite thing and put down the instruction manual. Old tricks, again, aren’t going to cut it this time around. Be brutally honest with all the freaks, but don’t outright tell them that they’re freaks. Know when to get out, or wear a helmet. Actually, I recommend the helmet, anyway. It’s going to be a wild week.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libra will need to make peace with Taurus this week. They’re not always an ideal pair, but they will be the only ones who understand one another. Libra requires a good smack of attention on a daily business, and isn’t always so good at doling it out. While we’re all possessed by Leo, Libra will find their secret compulsive natures taking over and the house will be meticulously neat, the DVD’s chronologically ordered by birth of the director. And no one will notice. Libra, instead of investing your frustrations in your pad, try investing a little more love in your friends and lovers this week. Your need for balance will be satiated by trying to balance out the pod people who have taken over everyone you know. Run away when they get truly crazy.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Ah, Scorpion Ruler. You shall enjoy this time of frenzy, taking it in stride to sit in the back and scribble in your notebook about it. Now is indeed the good time to sequester yourself from the rabble. It simply won’t be possible for you to supply the compassion your Leo-frenzied friends will need at this time. You’re likely to say, “Yes, you do look like a cow in said outfit.” Of course it’s true, but they don’t need to hear it. Take this time to hole up in your apartment and actually read those volumes of Crowley that impress the guests so much. Cancers wish we could be right there with you, believe it or not. Be glad it’s not your turn to draw the battle lines.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Hey, Sag doesn’t have a clue as to why people are so rattle. As usual, Sag is having him or herself a friggin’ blast and thinks everyone else needs to get over themselves. Don’t think you’re not exempt from the crazy. Seems as though all the fire signs are dealing with a disruption. Hell, you probably caused it, just to watch Aries and Leo freak out a little. Bad Sag. But maybe shooting your flaming darts into the heads of the freaks and nuts was exactly what they needed. Now, get the hell out. You’ve caused enough trouble.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
It must have been a Capricorn who designed the “It’s All About Me,” shirt. First of all, they have extremely aesthetically pleasing lines on most who wear them, of course. Second, it’s a Capricorn creed they like to deny. However, the MeMeMe influence of the quadruple Leo will make it impossible for Capricorns to get away with saying, “But it’s not about me…” Don’t waste your energy, baby. We’re all feeling the same way, so no guilt is necessary. Now, be particularly careful who you hassle this week for attention. Leo-influence will make people doubly sensitive and because you can be a little harsh, make sure you’re not harsh on anyone whose presence you’d like to keep.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
It’s doubtful that this self-centered time will affect our Aquarians very much. They rarely pay attention to anyone, so they’re not too concerned if anyone is actually paying attention to them. The strange little voices in the Water Bearers’ heads do quite nicely. Your best move, Aquarius, is to keep your place in the center of everyone else’s hurricane. It’s quiet there, but since they can see you, your friends won’t think you’re avoiding them. Careful with the unneeded distractions. While everyone is out causing their own chaos, don’t short-sheet any beds. Of course, it would be HILARIOUS, but they’re bound to take it too personally and cry when they get under the covers. You’d feel badly if that happened.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Having finally washed their hands of all the B.S. that wasn’t their own, Pisces has quietly admitted that they, too, would like a little tender and loving care. Pisces, if this is true for you, you’re going to need to speak up about it. Everyone around you is far too self-centered right now to notice that you’re pouting on a chair in the corner. Raise your pretty little fin and say, “Over here! Over here! Someone love me, damnit!” Being full of Leo, we’re going to want to love and will have plenty to share. This next period is going to be a quiet and rather lonely time for Pisces. As much as you run to solitude, we all know you don’t like it. Be sure to get our attention when you need it.