Thanks to everyone who was soooooooo very patient with Sister Mary while she took her week-long, unexpected sabbatical!!! These things happen, but you all are the greatest readers a nun could ask for.
Things are going to kinda smell funny around the Aries’s house in the next couple of days. Maybe it’s because they need to scrub the toilet and take out the trash, maybe it’s because the cosmos is sending them AM radio waves of bad ju-ju. Aries simply isn’t going to play well with others. Aries, if they seem like they’re all out to get you, keep in mind that you might(!) be partially to blame. Also remember that the definition of insanity is running your head into the same brick wall and expecting a different kind of concussion. (There are easier ways to get Vicadin.) Be nice to your friends, no matter how they annoy you, as you’ll need them when your car (or equally expensive necessity) breaks down at the end of the week.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Maybe it’s because they’re resting in their own planetary realm this week, or maybe it’s because they’re simply not finished with the rampages they had going on for the past few weeks—but Taurus simply isn’t finished breaking shit. Something will seriously irk them by
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Maybe you’re the one colliding with Aries. Mercury chilling in your sign has drastically increased your chances of getting caught with your newly-pedicured foot in your mouth. You nut. Still, signs continue to point to you having all the cash this week. We know you like to share your partners…feel like sharing a little money as well? Buy your friends drinks and cookies to make up for whatever you say early in the week to piss them off. Something delicious will begin brewing in your world by the end of next week. You’ll somehow manage to please someone, somewhere, who will buy you extra presents at Christmas time. In plain terms, nurture your healthy alliances now.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Mars finally leaving our sign has ditched us into a pit of laziness and our kitchens stink. The mere energy to match socks is going to be a stretch this week. Now, while we’re feeling like doing nothing, it’s a good time to reflect on our favorite topic:
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Ha! Now you’re stuck with Mars!!! AND the moon! Actually Leos do well when their sign gets spanked by Planet Productivity. The moon in Leo is going to bring them even more delicious powers of prowess and everyone will think they’re swell. The Great Cauldron of SMM still warns you to take it easy in the first part of the week. You’ll need all of your energy for the great “coming together” you’ll receive by Wednesday. This “coming” may be a circle of friends finally getting along, your boss finally getting you out of the Suck Shift, or something of that nature. And by the end of the week you’ll have a cathartic breakthrough either creatively or spiritually and go running off into the hills again to celebrate. So make sure to get plenty of sleep on Monday or Tuesday.
Believe it or not, Virgos have a good reading this week! (Bookmark this page, so when you complain that SMM is mean to you, you can go back and see otherwise.) It’s also all about you this week. Now, instead of asking your friends and therapist team to analyze you, try analyzing yourself for once. Slowly. Don’t boil your cerebrospinal fluid. Despite the steel-gates Saturn has presented you over the past year, you’re making connections that will pay off when that Bitch Planet finally leave you. Oh, and Virgo? Quit harping on the past.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras took care of themselves (mostly…) over the weekend and are walking in a shiny and pretty to the job on Monday. Of course, they’ll have their little hearts crushed by some bastardly customer or co-worker in a matter of minutes. Instead of letting it roll off their backs as they normally would, they are ten times more likely to blow up at someone in the stock room. And then they’ll be over it. But it’ll take them a little longer than usual. Libra, don’t let these bastards f*ck you in the ass like that. They’re not that good at it, anyway.
Scorpio, you TOO have things growing in your life this week! Unfortunately, it just looks like mold and roach colonies. Never fear! You’ll find the Achilles ’ heel of the bastard that put you in a funk and you’ll be over it once they turn up missing. (heh heh) Actually, the reason you’re going to be unhappy this week is the Universe is encouraging you to practice healthy talk. Not sociopath “kinda talk.” Which, if you’re not aware, sociopaths do to keep from getting caught being bastards—effectively skirting the questions. Don’t do that. Straight talk will keep you from winding up in jail. Well, maybe not. But you’re less likely to go to Hell. And we all know you need all the help you can get!
Blank is the end, blank is the beginning. Our Archers are starting out this week with a kind of emotional amnesia, which is better for them and worse for the hearts they broke. But they won’t forget so much that they don’t wear their invisible suit of heart-armor when they march into the bar. Something about this Don’t F*CK with me shield is going to benefit you financially. You may be hired to whack people. This will help pay off your credit card bill! And don’t worry, you’ll get full protection from the people who hire you. We think.
You need to calm down, you need to switch to decaf. No, forget SMM just said that. Don’t even try the decaf, stay with meditation and lots of water. You’re not missing out on anything, there is nothing more for you to do. SMM will say it again. You’re NOT missing out on ANYTHING. No one, anywhere, is more successful than you at the moment. Really. SMM means it. Starting over, whatever it is you’re working on, by mid-week is going to be really awesome. (That’s the most wizdumb SMM can get out at the moment. Sorry.) But be warned that something new is going to annoy the crap out of you by Friday. Don’t mean to upset you.
Damn. You’re broke. You’re probably the brokest sign in the whole chart this week. Be sure to kiss a Gemini’s ass. Or lick it, whatever they’re into this week. But whatever you have to do to ensure your bills get paid this week, stick to whatever morals you have rattling around in there. It’s your only path out of the dungeon when you get bored. And whatever it is you have to do this week, you’ll emerge stronger for it. Good luck to you, lovely!!!
Matters of the R word (uh…Relationships) are close at hand with Pisces this week. You’ve got to decide if the cretin sleeping on your couch is worth the trouble. Are you getting out of your lovers all the climaxes you require? And…are you satisfying your lovers? Really? Take a look at the people with whom you’re involved and make them pay rent or tell them to get the fuck out. Don’t just Go With the Stupid Flow, you lazy bastard. Actually take control…or accept the continual wallet and psychic drain without complaint.
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