Baby, what's your MOON sign???

If you hang out with Pagans, Witches, New-Agers or anybody of Hippy-Dippy persuasion, you've undoubtedly heard not just: "I'm a (insert sign here.)" You've more likely heard, "I'm a (sign) with a (another sign) moon and a (another another sign) rising.

Good God! Isn't one enough????

When I start going off into one of my astrology rants, a lot of people look at me bewildered and say, "What's a moon sign? What's mine?"

"Don't worry," I say. "Your moon sign is a very special part of you and whatever one you have is beautiful and radiant and all your own."

Your moon sign is whatever was rising on the horizon behind the moon on the day you were born. While your Sun sign (the thing you look up in your weekly horrorscope) covers the month in which you were born, your moon sign will be specific to your day.

What the hell does THAT mean, Weber?

A lot, actually. Your sun sign--in my case, Cancer--is what you present to the outside world every day. Your "Outer-Ego," blah diddy blah. Your moon sign is that part of you that doesn't get to see the (bad pun coming) light of day often--the side of you reserve for family, close friends, and people you really hate. My moon sign is Scorpio. This makes every one's eyes widen and say, "Ohhhhh........." Basically, it means that I'm pretty friendly and chipper and will make you quite at home upfront. However, I have this big ol' Scorpio stinger just waiting to get out on it's own time.

(Part of my astro profile says I have "a way of saying things which makes me appear skeptical and cynical." Huh. Is that true, y'all????)

You can find your Moon Sign here: http://www.astro.com/horoscopes/ahor.asp . Click on Personal Profile. It's free, but you have to give them a little personal information--such as your name, birthdate and birthplace. This does mean that a group of evil nerds will have more access to you and your internet use to sell to consumer data groups but, hey! It's free! (And they are already watching you, anyway. They know you read me. Just so you know.)

Once you determine your Moon Sign, you can read more about it and it will help explain why you're such a crazy bitch or bastard!

Welcome to the week of January 22-28, boys and girls!!!

(By the way, these are all Sun Sign Horrorscopes. Don't want nun of y'all to get all confus-ed.)

Aries (March 21-April 20)
You really need to chill this week, my friend. Yes, your co-workers are morons. Yes, your friends and family are hopeless and incompetent. But what you need to understand is that EVERYONE sometimes feels this way about the people in their lives. You, Aries, tend to think that you are the only one surrounded by idiots. You are soooo not alone in your martyrdom! In regards to whatever project you have going on--you have got to also understand that you cannot go to Target and buy a pre-packaged final outcome. You're like that farmer guy who got too impatient with his new crops so he went out at night and tugged at the new shoots. You do realize your impatience could seriously screw whatever progress you've made on your project, right? Your mantras for the week: Stuff takes time and I am not the sole survivor on Planet Dumbass. Meditate on this and check in next week.

Taurus (April 21-May 21)
Okay. Whatever you're not getting from your friend, your S.O. or your S.O.B., you need to quit bitching about it. Everyone, especially the person not giving, is tired of hearing your rant. What Taurus needs to remember this week is that pushing for what you want will inevitably push others away. Try giving if you want to receive. Try listening if you want to be heard. But wait! Here's the catch. Try this giving and listening thing without expecting something in return. Just because you want something does not mean that others owe it to you. And also, sometimes you may get what you want in a package you did not expect. So you wanted jewelry in order to beautify yourself and your partner gave you power tools? Well, the power tools have the power to beautify your home--and your home is part of you! Just roll with it and maybe you'll get the jewelry next time.

Gemini (May 22-June 21)
You, Bi-Polar Beast, also need to listen to others this week! You've been so caught up in whatever problem is bugging you, chattering the ears off everyone around about it, you haven't noticed that you have like, fifteen wise gurus standing right there with really good advice! Something you might want to try doing: Get the perspective of the person you think is the least likely to know what the hell to do about your problem. Loki, the Norse Messenger God, was a shape-shifting trickster who dressed up in weird forms to remind people that wisdom often comes in unexpected guises. Working on your PhD dissertation? Something in regards to Shakespeare? You're completely stuck? Ask the janitor's opinion. She probably has a nice, big Folio at home and reads it by the fire at night after she empties your garbage can.

Cancer (June 22-July 23)
Oooo......boy. Girl. We've got some work to do this week--my fellow Crabbie Babies. We are not life rafts, kids. We will drown saving the drowning. Sometimes, we just have to walk away from the person train-wrecking their life. They will grow from helping themselves. In a recent meditation, my Goddess told me that the reason She doesn't like angels is that they protect people from lessons they could better learn in a swift fall. We need to back off and let people screw up. This does not make us cold and uncaring! Let's say this together: They Will Survive Without Our Assistance. (Except your plants and pets.) They Will Survive Without Our Assistance. Also, if there is someone taking our assistance, we can't get all arrogant about it. We've never saved or fixed anyone. THEY saved or fixed themselves using us a resource. Hopefully, they didn't use too much of us.....

Leo (July 24-August 23)
Let's talk about what you're actually trying to do this week, m'kay Mr./Miz Leo? Do you really need to possess or achieve what you're trying to possess and/or achieve? Or is it that nasty, nagging ego of yours again? Can you sit for two minutes and think about how many times you got into trouble or fights over a certain person or thing? Did you actually want or need this thing, or did you actually just need to obtain the thing you were fighting for? You needed um....victory? Before you jump into another one of your cart-wheeling crazy moments, try waiting 24 hours before purchasing, arguing, or shoplifting. If you've just broken up with someone, don't get all cranky if they don't come chasing after you. And if they've just broken up with you--try not to take it too personally. Your ego will eat you alive if you let it, Leo. Try drowning it--in a metaphorical sense. Or in an alcoholic sense--whatever works for you. Just don't drive or take the subway alone if you do the latter!!! :)

Virgo (August 24-September 23)
Hi honey! Did you finish over-analyzing what I told you last week? No? Figured. Anyway, what is this I see about you worrying about "failed communication?" Virgo, you are so difficult to read, and you really don't want to hurt any one's feelings. So stop worrying about it and fix it. If you feel you've done or said something that caused a ruffle--take the person aside and explain what you actually meant. You know people have a hard time understanding you--why not help them out a bit? You won't be "making things worse" by bringing up the past. Get some coffee, have a talk. The person(s) will appreciate you for clarifying your actions and motivations behind your words. This is how people build relationships, Lonely Virgo. I know, they didn't include that in the Earth Instruction Manual. Maybe they'll get that into the Post-Apocalyptic New World Edition.....

Libra (September 24-October 23)
Since you are the Partnership sign--let's talk more about your relationships this week. As I'm writing this, I realize all the signs are talking about relationships in some form...but I guess that's life--right? People relating to people? (Libra, I hear you shouting at your computer screen: Talk about meeeeeee, dammit!!!!) Watch how you're dealing with others at the moment. You are likely to piss off more people than usual. Your best friend's S.O. may not need to hear this week that they are a bottom-feeding soul-sucking bastard. I'm sure it's true, but wait until next week when the planets are more favorable for telling people off. Or better yet, encourage said friend to do it themselves! In the meantime, check the scales and I don't mean the dieting kind. Even though your sign is the tool of balance, you know you have a tendency to either give too much or take too much, even though you know that things out of balance make you crazy. Make a few adjustments so that you'll be in a better mood this week. Your friends and family will thank me for telling you so.

Scorpio (October 24-November 27)
Have you finished plotting my death after that last blog? Guess what--your psychic negative wishes had no effect on me!!! Bwah ha ha!!!! I'm still here to annoy the crap out of my favorite sign: The Nutter-Butter Scorpion. I totally lied last week when I said that everyone is talking about you. The truth is, no one is talking or thinking about you. I don't know whose opinion you're obsessing over this week--but I can assure you that they are thinking and talking about themselves--and not you--as you are reading this. You are not foremost in every one's mind. In regards to this week's endeavors: Scorpio, people have a hard time trusting you because your ulterior motives show through your beady little eyes. This is actually a mask on your part. You only look like you have ulterior motives because you're never really sure what your primary motives are! Why don't you sit down and write out a sentence: I am trying to achieve (fill it in.) Repeat fifty times. When your motives are clear, people will trust you and you are more likely to succeed. Just watch your back. Your co-worker is reading over your shoulder at this very moment....

Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)
Whatever happened last week that sent you into such a tizzy, you need to find better ways to express it. Sag, when you try to convince yourself that nothing is bothering you, it comes out in weird ways. You're upset about the plumbing in the kitchen--so you deal with it by breaking dishes in the garage. I guarantee you--this will not solve your problem. Emotions are not strange little aliens that possess you and make your eyes spit salty water. Do not fear them or try to hide from them. Get mad--but get mad at what you're really mad at. Cry--but cry about what actually made you sad. Don't try pinning it on something else because that will only make you more upset and continue to annoy everyone around you. Bowling is a good exercise for an unhappy Sag because they get to throw heavy things and knock things down without actually damaging anything. I strongly suggest that you stay away from archery at this time. It's also okay to talk to others about what's bothering you. They will not eat you. I promise. Your friends will not eat you if admit that you are sad or angry.

Capricorn (December 22-January 20)
Wow. I'm this far into the zodiac and only now am I getting a serious neck cramp. Cappy Cappy Friend! Time to give yourself a break this week! We all admire you for your steadfastness-ness and hard work. But don't forget that what you're trying to be--you probably already are! You spend so much time focusing on what hasn't happened yet that you forget what really awesome things are happening all around you. Relax and enjoy your bath or your good book--and remember that the Excel spreadsheet will still be there to annoy you tomorrow. The guy/girl you've been trying to impress will (maybe) give you another opportunity to do so the next time you're at the bar. Try doing this: If it's not in front of you, don't go looking for it. Don't worry. The thing you're trying to achieve will eventually present itself again. Trust me. I know everything. I feel like you're getting Horrorscope short-changed this week, Capricorn. But I think that's all I have to say to you right now.

Aquarius (January 21-February 19)
I always feel like singing that annoying song from "Hair" when I start writing about you. Happy Birthday Aquarius! Eat lots of cake and drink plenty of whatever you drink. I'm not sure why, but it looks like someone pushed your panic button this week. You're going to want to do your Aquarian thing and run, run, run like the wind blows. Before you do that, think about who else might be involved in your plight and how your disappearing act will affect them. Maybe you need to have a conversation with someone? Maybe you need to explain why you're packing all your belongings and suddenly moving to the opposite coast? Other people may want to know. Also, moving to the opposite coast is a fabulous idea. Lots of adventure, lots of new accents, maybe some new lovers. However, that problem you're running from is bound to meet up with you when you pull off the freeway--smiling and waving next to the homeless guy with the "I Need Money For Beer" sign. Keep it in mind, Water-Carrier!!!

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
You got off easy last week, Fishy Friend. This week, you really need to quit moping and makes some positive changes. Whatever fell apart for you, you probably had little to do with its demise. Quit blaming yourself. Sometimes, shit just happens. The Universal Law of Crap Falling Apart reads: Crap Will Fall Apart Without Your Help. But, the same law also reads: Crap Will Not Come Back Together Without Your Help. You're going to have to accept that. Send out a new resume, put a profile on Match.com, take a walk, take a bath, take up croquet. Do SOMETHING for God's sake. You're even getting on your cat's nerves. Remember all the times in the past when things fell apart, and as a result, good things grew in its place. But seriously. Turn off this computer and go do something else. Even I can tell you've been on the internet for like, six hours by now.

Thanks, kids!!! Tune in next week to learn all about the Rising Sign!!!

xoxo
C