It's the latest, it's the greatest, it's your ELEMENTAL SIGN!!!

(Un-Astrological Side Note: If you would like to wee-wee in your pants for reasons of pure funny, go check out Boisvert's blog and watch the two videos. Then come back and read your horrorscope. ;)

At my last hippy-dippy bonfire gathering, a band called INCUS played a song called "Water Sign." The lyrics go something like this: Water sign, water sign, what is up with you? You gave up your addictions, now you're at them all again....

Meanwhile, a former lover of mine walked up to my best Aries and said, "Can I ask you a question? Courtney's a Water Sign, right?"

"I don't know," said my Best Aries.

"She's a Cancer, right?" Former Lover said.

" Yeah," said my Best Aries.

"So, she's a Water Sign," said my Former Lover.

"I guess so," said my Best Aries. "Why?"

"That explains everything," he replied. And then he walked away.

We weren't quite sure what that meant.

So, I did some research.

There are four Elementals: Fire, Air, Earth and Water and each Elemental rules three of our delicious signs.

The Fire Signs:
Aries
Leo
Sag

The Air Signs:
Gemini
Libra
Aquarius (yes, contrary to popular belief. The "Water Bearer" is an Air Sign.)

The Earth Signs:
Taurus
Virgo
Capricorn

The Water Signs:
Cancer
Scorpio
Pisces

Your Fire Sign Friends:
Fire signs are (duh) fiery little devils who are the most likely to start a fight in the bar, but are also the most likely to get your back on those random days when YOU start a fight in the bar. They are crazy in the way that you find yourself rocking your head in your hands saying, "Oh, f*ck. Crazy bastard has gone and done it again...." Most likely to throw things when angered. Most likely to have sex on your roof. Most likely to give you the big, warm hug you know you need because every other elemental is treating you shabbily. Of course, the big warm hug usually comes with a breath-breaking slap on the back and probably a shot down the throat, too.

Your Earth Sign Friends:
The Earth Signs keep the rest of us from floating into outer space. They're the ones who, we think, invented economic systems and they're the ones who pay the bills. Most likely to dress better than you. Most likely to buy good shoes. Every fashion mag, every decorator mag, every stupid design show you find your mom watching--run by Capricorn, Taurus and Virgo. Basically, they like the picture to look good. Yes, I hear my male Virgo friends saying, "gbhvvvvvvvhgbbbbbbbbbbbb!!! I don't do fashion/decorating!!!" Oh, but three of you are theater directors/producers which means that you DO have an eye/obsession for the aesthetically pleasing!!! C. Raymond--you're not exempt either, with your photo montages and all....(By the way, the gibberish was my kitty's addition to the blog this week. Pretty fitting, yes?)

Your Air Sign Friends:
Your Air Sign friends are the diplomats/translators you send into situations to figure out just what the hell is going on. They talk, they sort of listen, but best of all, they explain what's going on. They get and keep communication open. They're probably the reason we haven't blown up our planet--yet. A good, strong helping of Air Signs in any group will keep the other Elementals from destroying one another. Most likely to talk you to death. Most likely to entertain you to death. Most likely to repeat the juicy piece of gossip no one else will tell you. Most likely to tell you the truth that no one else will tell you. Most likely to forget that the secret you told them, was supposed to be a secret....Very likely to be your friend for all time. Most likely to forgive and forget the dumb shit you do.

Your Water Sign Friends:
(Hee hee!) Your Water Sign friends drive you nuts sometimes, because we're so sensitive and wishy-washy and confusing as all hell, but you know deep down that we love you more than they do and you can't live without us, no matter how hard you try. We're the painters and poets, artists and dreamers, the sentimental mother-f*ckers who write the Lifetime and Hallmark movies. Most likely to call you up just because we "felt" something was up--and correctly so. Most likely to brood about something you said in like, middle school. Most likely to know everything about Astrology (eep!) and Tarot, too. Most likely to pull a 180 on you at the last second with our own thoroughly valid reasons for doing so that won't make sense to anyone else--especially you. But also, most likely to "get" you, when no one else does.

The Elementals are broken into Cardinal, Fixed and Mutable signs, but I think what we have here is enough. I'll finish next week when I get back from my trip to Connecticut.

Aries
(Mar. 21-April 19)
"i'm wearing my insane asylum socks. they're my favorite."
Shit! This week's reading flew out of my cauldron like popcorn. What is up? Looks like someone or some group has kept a secret from you, to your detriment. Watch how you deal with this. Doing your steaming ears, overturning desks thing is more likely than usual to end in unemployment or divorce. How worth it is this? If it's time to move on from said situation, you need to do that. Let's look at the picture objectively, if at all possible, and find out if your ego is choking you again. Don't try to win the argument for the sake of winning, try to figure out the best solution. If you don't freak out, you will either mend said situation, or swiftly move onto a bigger, better, newer situation with more money, a nicer car and cooler friends.

Taurus
(April 20-May 20)
"Curled up cat looks like meatloaf."
Hooray! We have a happy Taurus this week! Have a good time and don't let any pissy Aries or brooding Cancer ruin it for you. Trust me, they're going to try. Now, with all this happy-dappy time, use it for good, not frivolous evil. I mean, don't shop with your tax return at Anthropology, when you could be investing it in a Green Mutual Fund. Also meaning, if it's a new person you've met or a new turning point with a person you're already seeing, don't start shopping for a wedding dress. Try a romantic dinner--and YOU foot the bill this time. You've had a rough go of it lately in the bull ring, and deserve to have a little fun these days. Don't forget to be sensitive to your friends who aren't quite through the B.S. jungle yet. And really, don't take it personally when they're not as happy for you as you think they should be. I'm happy for you. Really, I am, you stubborn bastard. But not everyone will be.

Gemini
(May 21-June 20)
"You make me want to get married so that I can get divorced and come over and hang out."
Yeah, it seems like all the signs are about cash this week. Must have something to do with tax season. Something's got the twins hung up on the material end. You might have skipped something on your filing, which is making your rebate late. Or someone forgot to pay you, your account froze, leftover retrograde stuff. I'm thinking you drank too much last night and forgot to close your tab. Don't worry--they've still got your card and added 20% gratuity. You'll eventually get what's owed to you, but I feel inclined to warn you--being the chatter box that you are--not to bitch about it too terribly much. Someone may take your "venting" the wrong way and will do their best to aid in further delays.

Cancer
(June 21-July 22)
"I hate men, I hate dating, I hate the idea of being single, I hate the idea of being in a relationship, I hate it all and wish it would all go away."
Not this again. Which one of us is still clinging to some stupid issue from last century? I am so sick of getting this reading, guys. I swear it's not me this time. My head is clear as clean water, so bite me. Did it happen? Yes, it happened. Was it terrible? Yes, it sucked. Is it in the past? YES, GODDAMNIT. Quit with the laments, Romeos and Juliets. Are we looking for apologies and recognitions that we're simply not going to get? Sometimes, we're simply not going to get them. But, when we get over these things and move forward, people like us more and then they buy us drinks. I swear--if I get this reading one more time, I'm trading myself in for an Aquarius. Those kids are so much less obnoxious.

Leo
(July 23-August 22)
"...you somehow knew I didn't have heart insurance."
Something either happened to Leo that was kind of crappy, or something crappy is about to happen that has sent or will send them to their dens to sulk and lick their newly manicured paws. What's the deal? You were awesome last week, as I recall. But now you're beating yourself up for something you think you did. Trust me, you probably weren't that integral in the Jenga tower's fall. I know that hurts even more to hear, but it's true. Or maybe...did you put your wants ahead of the needs of others, and did they go ahead and tend to their needs--as they should have? Time to start over and rebuild, kiddo. You'll feel better in no time.

Virgo
(Aug 23-Sept. 22)
"I have Yoda ears. But sorry, I'm a Virgo."
So, you're feeling stuck and that's annoying you. You're not actually stuck--you're just impatient this week. Yes, you planted the seeds and watered them and checked the light with your little hand-held meter to make sure they had the adequate afternoon rays, but no sprouts yet? Sweetheart, you only planted them yesterday! Okay, Friday, but that was only two days ago. I promise, they're down there germinating their little pods out--don't get in the way. Go read that book on Tibetan Buddhism you've been meaning to get to and chill for a bit. If necessary, you may need to go and add a little plant food to the mix, but not yet. You'll get a big, old signal from the Universe when it's time to act. In the meantime, quit meddling.

Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct 22)
"If you've ever read Chaucer's "The Canterbury Tales" then you are familiar. If not, oh well, come along for the ride anyway."
Ooh....bad Libra moon rising. Sorry, honey. This week's going to suck. You pushed for something too hard and it set your fragile scales out of balance. If you're not laid up in the hospital with three slipped disks, you can actually do something about this to fix it. It's going to require (after your stiff daiquiri) a thorough, objective evaluation of the situation. Call another one of your Air Sign friends to talk you through it, and throw in a Water sign for a feelings check--and a Fire Sign for that stiff daiquiri. The Earth signs are kind of annoyed with you right now, so leave them out of it. A cleansing and overhaul of situation will be required. Remember that nasty stuff is temporary and makes us stronger in the long run. Quit freaking out.

Scorpio
(Oct. 23-November 21)
"And here i was thinking you were talking to ME!!!!!!!"
Oh, and I was. In fact, I was up all night last night just thinking of things to say to you. I really feel like I should be nice to you this week, as all Scorpios in my immediate vicinity have been very sweet as of late. Of course, they want something--but I'm doing okay at the moment and probably have plenty to share. You had or soon will have one of your seasonal epiphanies which will make you feel enlightened and at one with the Universe and at peace with all those around you, blah blah blah. If you left a situation behind, that was a good thing. Now, don't go back to it (why DO you do that, anyway?). Stuff will continue to go well, if you let it. And I do mean IF you let it, and don't start causing chaos again.....

Sagittarius
(November 22-December 21)
" i don't understand the nature of love and relationships at all."
And you never will......(Kidding. You guys aren't so inept.) Ah! Another popcorn reading. Something in the kiln is overproducing the fire sign readings. The eclipse, maybe? You've got a few good things going for you this week, creatively speaking, monetarily speaking. Did you take my advice from last week? If so, you ignored very valuable items like taking me to dinner...but as a whole, stuff seems to be going well. On a personal note, take this slightly easier time and reflect on who you are, what you want, and who you want to be. You've got another turning point coming very soon that has unlimited potential. Make sure you're sound in mind, body and spirit so that you fill this blank canvas with super-awesome-gorgeous things. And take me to dinner, since you've got so much spare change these days. Christ. Don't I do enough for you as it is?

Capricorn
(December 22-January 19)
"When are we going to get together so you can fix all the problems in my life?"
Yeah, something's up in Cappy-land. You didn't address something that annoyed the hell out of you, and that's what's causing your mood swings and migraines. That, and the bottle of wine you polished off in order to deal with said situation. You've waited too long to fix the problem, so now you have to be doubly careful in how you do address it. Don't assume everyone knows what pissed you off. If they do know, they're not going to fix it for you. Don't act expecting a specific result. Believe me, you won't get it. Don't use other people's advice, either. Your own advice is better--just act carefully and consciously. You're in serious danger of making everything worse. Sorry.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb. 18)
"I've done born some water in my time. Who wants to know?"
It's like you're the prince in that Sleeping Beauty story--at the part where he approaches the castle and gets all tangled up in the thorns. But instead of taking out that really cool sword and cutting yourself out, you're standing there scratching your silly head and saying, "How did all these thorns get here? Did I plant them? Was it that awful nasty witch queen again?" (I did NOT. Moron.) Sometimes, things just happen, and sometimes we set up things to just happen. You can look back later and try to figure out how the hell you got yourself into this situation. In the meantime, have those meaningful conversations, fix the problems with the plumbing. Work your way out of this problem in as constructive a manner as possible. You've got a big old nasty dragon to face pretty soon, which you'll have to slay before you can get laid with the Princess, so get the immediate crap fixed now. It's going to be worth it. She's pretty hot.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
"And, do Jewish people go to confession? All the sudden my little religious brain split."
I'm going broke buying all of you fuckers birthday presents. I've collected a lot of Pisces in the past year, and they're all throwing their laid-back, kinda chill, relatively intimate birthday parties at the same time. This is a good time for you, Pisc. Maybe it's your birthday, maybe it's just that time, but you're moving into a new realm, which for most of you has been sorely overdue (and you know it.) Enjoy the changes you're seeing, but know that you won't see the majority of the changes you want for awhile. Time actually moves a lot slower than we think it does in the world of insta-instant. Take this time to not only improve your situation, but yourself, too. Haircuts. Showers. A new shirt, even. Don't forget you when you're fixing your world. The rest of the zodiac thanks me for telling you.

Cue the damn pig.

That's all, folksies!!!

xoxo
C