Malibu, Cuervo and Spartan Glory

You know what's funny?

I can spend oh, so much time writing these essays and horrorscopes--and two days later I don't even remember what I was thinking. Or writing them.

So, if you ever want more information about something I've said, please keep in mind that I'll most likely have no friggin' clue about what you're talking about. Astrologer Courtney takes over and takes no prisoners--and then disappears again until Sunday. On a regular day, Regular Courtney is only half awake with a cup of luke-warm coffee in her hand, blinking at you and looking kind of confused. You will probably never meet Astrologer Courtney. I've never even met her. She just uses my computer to tell your future because she's too cheap to buy her own.

These are on time this week. Take that.

Aries (Mar. 21-April 19)
"362 days and counting until Kells (St. Paddy's Day) 2008!!"
Hang on. My cat is chasing the flying monkeys.
Okay. I'm back.
Good work, Aries! You finally got what you wanted and now are happy as can be. Feels good to use constructive communication as opposed to death threats, doesn't it? Not as fun, I know, but far more productive. Secrets no more--we know Aries don't like secrets. Keep in mind that you're still going to have to work for more stuff. We know, Aries is going to say, "But, the hard part is over!!! Why do I have to continue to constructively communicate and practice reasonable compromise?" True, you were finished with THAT part of whatever you were trying to accomplish, but new situation requires new tactics. The completion of one cycle only leaves for the opening of a new one! Don't you want to enjoy this fresh feeling all over again? Yes, yes you do.

Taurus(April 20-May 20)
"My mouth is like a vagina. It even has a little clitoris."
The majority of the Universe is aware that Taurus has difficulties with issues of patience, but the monkeys are pleased to report that the majority of the Universe's Bulls have latched onto this practice and are using it (almost) effectively! Hooray! Two happy readings in a row. However, I'm also seeing that Taurus is attempting desperately to conceal emotions of anger and/or painful passion. Current romantic situation resembles something in the past that sucked? Current government administration creates pain and upheaval in the name of "freedom" and it resounds poorly on your moral conscious? Current roommate took the last beer and doesn't flush the toilet? Taurus, you must find productive ways to release these frusturations. Taking it out on your sister's cat is not an option. You'll be inclined to give up on patience because--damnit--it just hasn't worked yet! I've got news for you, sweetheart. Patience only works if you keep using it. That, and gently reminding your roommate-again--to flush the godd*mn toilet.

Gemini(May 21-June 20)
"try incorporating Fern/ Alder into your health regime...."
Okay, so things didn't exactly go your way this week. Wicked uncle was supposed to pass onto the merry retirement home in the sky and leave you with a wad of cash--but just in his evil way, has clung to life a little longer and continues to suck on that tube. Frankly, investing in someone's demise is not a finacially viable solution to your current problems. My monkeys' advice is to pick up a few more hours on the job or sell a few more possessions on EBay. It's a good week to make more cash, but it's not going to come on its own. Another note--if you've been trying to get or trying to get someone knocked up, this is most certainly the week to do it. Enjoy the early days of spring. Light some candles, get some spiced wine going, and gently drape the curtain across the screen.....Careful, though. A note about disruption has just jumped out of the cauldron. You are far more likely to get "walked in on" or have a long-lost lover or relative from the past burst onto the stage just before intermission.

Cancer(June 21-July 22 )
"300 is the coolest piece of pro-war propaganda I've ever seen!"
It actually is. Afterward, I was so ready to done one of those hot, drapey dresses and go find me a soldier for whom to bear several children in which to carry on his name. Don't worry, guys. As soon as I got into the stink of Times Square again, I was over it. Charming little crabs we are this week. Peppy and smiley on the surface, just below our thin shells lurk Angry Cancerians, who--again--are plotting the deaths of those who said mean things to us either last week or last decade. Yep. This trend is just going to continue. But being the passive aggressive creatures we are, we will plan a peaceful "retreat" until it's time again to sneak around the corner of the bodega and stab our spurner to death. Or at least, spill a cheap drink on them. Back-handed compliment at the very least. (Sigh.) The monkeys say this is a big waste of time and we should project our frustrations into cleaning out the closet or making a big pot of soup to pass out to the homeless. I'm not saying that THIS particular Cancerian will be doing said things. But the Monkeys say that YOU should.

Leo(July 23-August 22)
"My sleeves are so big, I can't get them into this swan."
Smiley, happy Leos walkin' by!!!!!! Yay!!! What in the world has tickled you little kittens under your tails this week? My goodness! A giant round of bitching, followed by spectacular make-up sex! Marvelous. Do share. A think more than a few of our Zodiac sisters and brothers could learn from your example. Cursing/shouting/throwing beer bottles: break-up and/or jailtime. Constructive bitching i.e. venting without name calling and receptive listening: multiple orgasms. Wait! You're problems have still some more work to do. More things will come up in that post-sex cigarette: those of you with partners may have a little more listening to do. However, it looks as though once most of this is cleared away, you'll have more room for shiny, happy things! Take out the trash--ensure sexual space on the kitchen floor. Take out MORE trash--ensure MORE space....get it? Of course you do!!!

Virgo(Aug 23-Sept. 22)
"Those Bitches. Seriously. No mints! I'll never dream I am staying in that hotel again!"
What's left of my heart went out to all Virgos last week. No, really. It did. That was a pretty lousy reading and I spanked all monkeys thoroughly for bringing such horrid, sterile news. The news isn't a whole lot better this week, although the reading doesn't explicitly say DRY SPELL. I'm seeing the retention of emotions that ought to be released (constructively, please.) I see personal obligations distracting you from your creative endeavors. I see a disconnect to your spiritual self, a period of stagnation...okay, I'm going to quit with the astrologer crap. Basically, Virgo, you're thinking too hard again and not thinking enough about yourself. Other people's bullshit should not come before your own bullshit. In fact, all bullshit should be immediately scooped up and deposited in your neighbor's can (we know yours is full.). It's time for some candles, incense, or at the very least, the most brainless movie you can find. Take some time to be by yourself. And don't drink too much.

Libra(Sept. 23-Oct 22)
"I came here to audition. Yet, I still found plenty of time to get wasted. But I don't think that has anything to do with being a Libra."
Nope. The money situation has not improved. Nor will it by Sunday, when I get the next round of readings up. I predict Libras will have at least one brow-beating curse fest with each of their neighbors, particularly the ones with the two children who run around on bare floors in the middle of the night. (Give the shits some NYQUIL for god's sake! Don't they SLEEP?) The good news is that Prince Charming will finally show up this week. Well, sort of. You will get laid. All of you. I promise. I can't promise that it will be good, or that he/she will be smart, intelligent, showered, lice-free--any of it. But won't it be nice to make more noise for once than your upstairs neighbor's kids? And since you're broke, won't it be nice to have the entertainment come to you? Yes, yes it will.

Scorpio(Oct. 23-November 21)
"Silence is golden. But it doesn't help my performance art piece like, at all."
Scorpio fell in love last week, as we may recall. Scorpio is still desperately in love this week, too. Weak in the knees, googly eyed and counting church-bells in love! This is terribly exciting! Okay, I lied. Not all Scorpios will be thoroughly wrapped around a new person, and most will have tremendous money issues. The over-riding themes of this week for our Scorpion Kings and Queens is yippy-skippy gushing over these pretty people they've found, is to not forget to keep talking and listening, too. Don't go into your watery heads and confuse the person you're so glad to have found with your silence.

Sagittarius(November 22-December 21)
"So, can we just admit that vegetarianism is flawed? we are superior to other animals. if not, then why don't we eat other humans for fun, hmmm?"
The ADD children of the zodiac should have stretched a little further in their yoga poses this week. Doing strange things with your body gets you closer to God, Sag. You didn't do enough stretching, and now you're all upset. Of course, being the little fire beast that you are, you're not letting your tears show through. Instead, you're about to drive your car through the side of your neighbor's house--all because their kid flicked a booger at your kid or something? Come on, Sag. We all know you're plagued by deep hurts and insecurities that have bothered you for years and still haven't been dealt with. We're all really worried about you, but even more so, we're really worried about us. We don't want you driving through the side of our house.

Capricorn(December 22-January 19)
"After lots and lots of traveling I returned home, bought a house, divorced, and started working at LMC again. I do have a side hobby. I make wedding videos and photography. Yes, I love it."
I just read your MySpace horoscope and frankly, it reaffirms my Astrologer Mission. Most astrology simply makes no sense. They're telling you that you've been relieved from stress, which makes it seem like you're living in a vacation, which makes everything better for everyone--but no one is fooled (by what?). If this is true, Capricorn, ENJOY this period of relaxation! It's a rarity for you, so don't stress over lack of stress. Avoid annoying people at all costs. They'll show up in your bushes again in no time, so don't help them out by seeking out those with issues. Paint the living room, and get a new lamp for the bedroom. Soon enough, the drama tornado will return--so get things in order while you have the mental energy.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb. 18)
"I'm just glad I went up there and did it."
What? I'm confused. Since when did Aquarius give a shit what other people think? Even more so, since when did they try to be everyone's BFF? Aquarius, the reason we all LIKE you is because you don't CARE whether we like you or not! The spirit of some insecure high-schooler has possessed you in your sleep and you're now trying to dress like Lindsay Lohan. This is stupid. You can't change you for our opinions. If some Capricorn is scorning at you, well, Capricorn scorns everyone, so not to worry. Go hang out with your Sag friends this week. First of all, they need the support. Second of all, they'll remind you why it's so awesome that you're the lone clown freak in a room full of suits. I seriously hope not to ever see this reading from you again, Water-Bearer.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
"I'm glad I gave him my number. I can't wait for him to call so I can tell him what a total asshole he is."
Uh-oh. Someone hurt Pisces' feelings. Who do I need to curse? Just kidding, I won't do that (unless you want me to...) Basically, someone was shitty to you and you're inclined to think they did so on purpose. Now, I'm absolutely willing to kill on your behalf--but in this case, I don't think this asshole was an asshole on purpose. They were an inconsiderate bastard, yes--but they were too caught up in themselves to even think about how their rudeness effected you. It's only going to make you more depressed if you focus on their intent. Trust me. It was them--not you.

Dear Llewellyn: Please purchase advertising on this site. I'm funnier than all the other witches and I need the cash. xoxo--your sister in the Great Goddess.