Reading your Horrorscope

It's about 3 degrees outside right now. It's so cold, my cat is being nice to me and cuddling on my lap in the interest of staying warm. My radiator is on high, but there are large cracks where my floor meets my wall--and the cold air sneaks in cackling "Ha! Insulation-shmulation." Nothing better to suit the day than to drink luke-warm coffee that I can't refill because it would disturb the kitty, and write to you about your horrorscopes!!!

My hot and gorgeous friend Josi the Queen of the Sagittarians mentioned to me that when she reads the Horrorscopes, she doesn't just read Sag--please note: this is most DEFINITELY a-typical Sag behavior--she reads the whole thing. Why? Because one, she's a good friend who likes to read my writing for some inane reason, and two--reading just your own horrorscope doesn't adequately show you the whole picture. Everyone has an astrological symbol and so by reading all signs, you can see what's going on with those around you--making it easier to explain why they do the crazy shit they do. Which ultimately relates to you, and so this is why it's important to at least try to read all of them--not just yours and your ex's.

Fair enough? Thought so. I wouldn't even try to do this with a standard newspaper. One boring horrorscope is enough. At least mine are funny and probably poke at someone you know, anyway......

Also, bear with me. A few weeks ago, I found a sturdy chair on the sidewalk of East 9th street. It was night time. I needed a chair for my desk, and so I took it. It wasn't until the harsh lights of the subway illuminated the thorough rusting, that I understood why it had been abandoned by the restaurant. However, it was great fun riding the subway with a chair. Tourists asked to sit in it, and rode the subway in my chair. Their friends took their pictures and sometimes got into them--immortalizing myself in their memories as "Lady with the Rusty Chair. " Yesterday, I got all the rust off using a powerful remover. It's still fuming and I think I'm getting high......

Bienvenidos a la semana de 4-10 Febrero!!!

Aries (March 21-April 20)
Those born beneath the sharp hooves of the battering ram.....
Seriously. Get over it. I don't know what crawled under your tail this week, but I KNOW you need to get over it. For an animal without thumbs, you sure as hell hold onto stuff you ought to let go of. You do realize holding onto the past causes gas, right? And if you're in a relationship, you do realize that farting in the bed could potentially shake the already shaky cinder blocks on which your relationship is built? Come on. Your forecast this week asks you to "review it all, bless it all, release it all." I'm not that optimistic. Aries will NEVER bless the thing that pissed them off. But do review, consider what you have learned, and give it all a big, fat finger and then let it go. You will reach a golden, blissful feeling--known as peace. Not that you'll keep it long, but you might get giddy for a second or two.

Taurus (April 21-May 21)
The stubborn, the proud....they who break things with their heads....
Aw.....why is Taurus sad this week? Sometimes you kids get so determined, so hard headed, we forget that you have sensitive little feelings crawling around in there. Looks as though this week, someone sawed off your horns while you slept and mounted them over the fireplace--making you feel vulnerable. Defenseless. That was mean of them. Don't grieve when something falls apart with a douche bag. If they weren't a douche bag, it probably wouldn't have fallen apart! Try to be happy that you learned a life lesson and see it as the beginning of a new chapter. Laugh about it, somehow. Or tell me all about it so that I can make it funny for you. Laughter is the best way to get your horns off the mantle and start aiming them at the flag-waver's ass again....

Gemini (May 22-June 21)
There are two......
Look, you're just going to have to make a decision. There are plenty of options, we know, there are lots of ways this can be done. But at some point, you just have to pick one......See, I'm having trouble understanding why this choice is perplexing you so much (BRB--stereo playing Neil Diamond. Must Change.). I can't see how it's life or death. If it is life or death, like deciding whether to give your kidney to your sister, I'm going to make the decision for you. Your sister needs the kidney. See? So much easier, right? Trust me. For the little shit, make a choice and stay with it. Once you pick a path, things become much easier and more opportunities will grow. Just like when you pick the dead spider-plant leave out of the pot, the ones that died because your cat decided to eat them, fresher, prettier shoots grow in their place. That's what's going to happen to you, Gemini, when you get all the dead, over-thought choices out of your way!!! Give the kidney.

Cancer (June 22-July 23)
We who would rather loose an arm than release the claw.....
Ooh...I don't like this reading. I want to recast so that it gives me a reading I want, but that would only go to further prove the point this reading is trying to make. Are we putting our wants ahead of the needs of other people? Again? Yes, it's true that if they do what we want, they'll be happier, because we do know better, after all--but they really need to find that out for themselves. We CANNOT control every element in our little sea of drama. Time to attempt to loosen the claws and let things just take their course. Plenty of things will come our way to try to shape and manipulate. I'm stopping now because seeing this coming my way, as a Cancer, makes me want to withdraw and pout for awhile. I still have many signs to go. (Insert Weber grrrrrrrr.)

Leo (July 24-August 23)
They who purr and they who roar....those who hide from the vacuum cleaner more.....
There has got to be something nasty rolling around the cosmos. Here is yet another example. (Shit. Neil Diamond's back. Whose stupid c.d. is this????) You are yowling and hissing more than my little Lilith this week. When bad nasties come over Leos, they tend to want to tear shit up as a way to dealing with it. It's not going to last long, don't try to get over it any faster. That's bound to make it worse. Dark times are temporary, and your happy little Sun symbol is bound to come bouncing out. Roaring at a night sky is only bound to annoy your neighbors--and possibly raise your rent. Remember this when I start pounding on my ceiling with my broomstick.....I'm talking to YOU!!!!!

Virgo (August 24-September 23)
Born under the sign of the Virgin--but they're not fooling anyone....
Another growth reading? I'm going to need to talk to my scrying mirror. This is getting boring. I hereby command that every Virgo learn something this week about doing nothing. Sometimes, problems occur without your help and no amount of band-aids or complex theorems are going to fix it. Submit, be still, and play with your rubix cube. We'll call you when you're ready for you. I will remind you once more that over-analyzation will cause a migraine. (Or an ulcer....;) Do you realize how productive you can be when you focus your energy on other things? Laundry? Dishes? My laundry? My dishes? I could keep you busy for awhile. Please don't take it down skanky alley, Virg.....

Libra (September 24-October 23)
They are not an animal. They are not a person. They are the scales and they HATE to be off.....
When you go down to the crossroads, and some handsome guy offers to give you the ability to play the guitar in exchange for your soul....I know you're going to be tempted, not because you crave musical ability, but because that guy is really cute and he can't be all that bad....the horns can be removed with surgery.......Stop. Libra, this cross-roads you've reached requires non-action. I believe this is the same thing I told you last week, but maybe you just needed to hear it again. (Crossings-over take awhile.) When you reach a cross-road, it means it's time to take a new path, and that will require a new set of shoes. The gold-glitter high heels worked great for the last six miles (Liar. You've got blisters to beat the devil...) but this new path may require Birkenstocks. Let go of the flash and glamour. Don't wait for your companions to do the same.

(Astrologer's note: I am now OFFICIALLY high from rust remover....)

Scorpio (October 24-November 23)
Can't you please just get over it? I was only f*cking with you.....
No. No, it's not going to happen. Your ex does not want you back. Frankly, you don't want them either, but you simply cannot accept that there is someone in the world who isn't in love with you. Leaven them alone. Now is the time to lock yourself in your room with Tori Amos. Now is the time to contemplate why the world doesn't understand you. No, sweetie, we don't. And we never will. Focus this week on turning your dark thoughts into bad poetry. And focus on a way to manipulate someone into publishing it somewhere, make some money, and buy me dinner. I'm hungry and don't have much cash this week. I promise to be sympathetic to all of your delusions.

Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)
Honey, I said don't play with the archery set in the house. Honey? HONEY! NO!!!!!!!
Look. You need a time out. Go sit in the corner and think about what you did, or didn't do, until I say you can come out. There is lots of work to be done, and now is not the time to pick up pottery, Amway or Greenpeace. Something has been disowned and is wreaking havoc in your life. You think that by making yourself even busier, that problem will go away. Uh-uh. It's bound to take over your house--like the plant from Little Shop of Horrors. It might even eat your cat. Can't have that. Time to wake up and face the plant face-on. You might need to feed your roommate to the beast, or your S.O., whoever is asking for it. Let's take thing head-on and forget the rest. I really can't type in this chair today. My nose is burning.

Capricorn (December 22-January 20)
Oh, yeah. Goats look all innocent. But why do you think they made the Devil look like so?.....
Wow. Someone who got a good reading this week. Capricorn managed to find the answer to their question or solution to their problem this week! Feel like bottling some of that and marketing it to the rest of the signs? If you could, you would, I know....Take advantage of this enlightened time. Your reading this week very much wants you to know that you now have enough light to see that the patient on the operating table is yourself. I'm starting to hallucinate. I'd better make this fast. It's going to be a good week for you, so try to share some of that wisdom with your friends in the other signs--we all need it this week.

Aquarius (January 21- February 19)
They who carry the water, but are likely to forget the pail at the well...
Lord. You don't know the shape I'm in. Don't think it matters, though. See, kids? This is why the DARE team taught you that doing inhalants will harm you. I'm opening a window--even though it's 3 degrees outside. For those of you who have never been to my apartment don't understand--I only have room for one chair, and fumey-chair is it. You, Aquarius, are also being told to sit still. Don't know who these crazy friends are of yours who think you're able to shoulder all of their difficulties (Cancers, right?) but whatever generosity you've shown as of late is kind of being used against you. Be careful, right now. Don't give out more than you have--which means taking the unusual step of taking stock of what you have and are able to give. My cat is biting me.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Slippery little devils.....they shift and change without notice and don't like being held long....
You seem happy this week! Is it because you managed to put up proper defenses to keep the nasties from getting in? Or is it because you embraced the shift or change that was due you? I'd like to credit you for both, modest little Pisces. You'll blush and change the subject. Maybe you need to team up with your Capricorn friends to keep the rest of us from robbing Aquarius blind of their energies. Time to shine, Koi-Boy and Glitter-Girl! But in your assistance, don't turn a blind fin to those who may want to use you. Kick the asses of those who are taking up space, but don't collapse yourself into your victories. Otherwise, you'll end up with the same reading you got two weeks ago......

All right. Can't deal with the cold. I'd rather be high.