Kids! If your computer hasn’t crashed yet, go back up your stuff now, because it’s bound to. Check your automatic payments, they probably forgot to leave your bank account—or they had so much fun paying themselves this month, they decided to do it again! I’m cranky. I still don’t have internet. But they’re sending me a new modem.
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! Shut up with your grumbling. It’s not even a real holiday. I get why you might get depressed at Christmas, but sorry. A day full of red shiny things, lots of chocolate and men dressed in diapers is a fun day.
Instead of reading your forecasts this week, I’m going to talk about Romance in the Signs. Not only are you going to check yours, you’re going to check your partner’s, your crushes, your secret affairs and your exes—all in one easy to read format!!!
Happy Valentine’s Day, all of you grumbling little sinners! Enjoy your chocolates and not to worry: if you’re single and sad about it for some reason, take heart that someone near you has a partner who is going to ruin the holiday for them. For those of you who have partners bound to ruin the day, just remember that no matter how much it gets ruined for you, some whiney single person envies you, anyway.
Not me. As I type this, Cupid is massaging my fully naked body with coconut oil and feeding me chocolates with his toes…..;)
Aries!
Love me, goddamnit!!!!
Ooh boy. I mentioned once before how my first ex-boyfriend was an Aries. (Still is. Both an Aries, and my ex.) Aries don’t fall in love often, but when they do—it’s going to happen fast and it’s not going to fade easily. Although their relationships tend to be faster and more furious than the other signs, and often fall tremendously apart, they don’t lose the feeling. If an Aries has loved you at one time, I can pretty much guarantee that they still so. Dating an Aries? Take them dancing. Get them hot and ready on the floor, and then get their asses off that floor and into the cab or your car. They’ll start the party there, and it’s only going to get better. A hot date with an Aries will start out public, but get real private, real fast—and last until 3:00 p.m. the next day. If you’ve pleased them, they’ll probably cook pasta for you at 4:00 a.m. in their underwear, just before they take you one last time on the kitchen floor.
Taurus!
Of course you want to love me….don’t you?
I haven’t dated a Taurus yet, but I know quite a few of them. These feisty little beasts are far more romantic than they let on. They don’t ever expect that anyone is aware of the little violins playing in their warm little hearts. They tend to fuse into relationships, while still maintaining their own sense of identity. This fusion is caused by an extreme loyalty and dedication inherent in Taurus kids—and a determination to make everything work, even long after the relationship should have been declared D. O. A. Basically, if you’re poly, don’t date Taurus. They will HATE you. If you are dating a Taurus, watch out that you’re not being an asshole because you’re probably hurting their feelings far more than you’d think. They get a little insecure, so make sure you remind them that they’re pretty damn fabulous. If you’re taking one on a date, they’re likely to tell you that they “don’t really need a present,” and “let’s keep it simple.” Buy them a present. Keep it quiet, intimate, but spend money on them. Trust me, they’ll notice and appreciate it. Think small, intimate Italian restaurant with a menu you can’t read and a $100 bottle of wine. Not Olive Garden. Sure, they’ll say Olive Garden is fine, but I’ll have to hear about you being a cheap-ass later. Just sayin.’
Gemini!
It’s a toss-up. Could go either way! What? Me?
Haven’t dated Gemini either—yet. Here I was thinking I’d gone through all the signs, but I guess not. What I can tell you about Gemini is this: The Bitches Ain’t Boring. You have got to keep surprising these people, don’t ever get into a rut with them. They’ll leave. They’re going to keep surprising you, too—new interests, new friends, new massive road trips in stolen blue school buses. They don’t do well with insecurity, so if you’re of that kind of nature, keep it in check. Gemini likes independence in themselves and their S.O.’s, and don’t plan on having to coddle. Protect, yes. Deep nurture—not so much. Taking out a Gemini for your Valentine’s Day? Go out, go out, go out. Or throw a big party. Get as many people around for them to talk to as possible. Even if it is the date-day of the year, bring home a couple of your friends and let them crash in the bed with the two of you. Sex or no, Gemini will be so happy that the party kept going even into sleepy time. In the morning, you can have a Mad-Hatter Tea Party with all the friends you brought home. Do a little—not too much—swooning infront of everyone. Gemini will like the attention, but don’t cling or smother them. They’re going to want to talk to everyone. Poly-kids, I do direct you to these little delicious twinsy-winsies.
Cancer!
Love me, touch me, do it or I’ll cry.
You haven’t dated a Cancer? What the hell is wrong with you? We’re the best. Yes, we’re rumored to be clingy, insecure, over-bearing, smothering, blah, blah, blah….everyone has their problems. What makes us so awesome is that when you’re loved by a Cancer, you know it. We’re gonna take care of you better than everyone else because we’re quietly paying attention to your wants, and giving you what you need just when you need it—before you even realize that’s what you’re wanting. We take a lot of shit, but when we’re done. We’re done. And we’re not going to give you a lot of warning. “It’s okay, babe…..it’s okay, babe…..it’s okay, babe……FUCK you, it’s over.” And if we say that, don’t waste your time and don’t piss us off by thinking you’ve got another chance. Nope. Yeah, we look like pushovers, but we won’t let real crap fly. I had this thrown in my face recently by a Cancer man whom I’d walked all over for six months and I was pretty shocked when he turned around one day and said, “What’s it going to be, Court? Quit fucking around.” Eek! I felt like a crabby asshole. Oh yeah, and watch it when you call us on our shit. Especially Cancer men. I’ve thoroughly pissed off two Cancer men in the past year by telling them exactly what I thought of their actions. Neither speaks to me anymore. Don’t know if Cancer women are the same, I think we’d like to think we don’t do that. If you’re dating a Cancer, don’t take us anywhere if you really want it to be special. Cook for us. Massage our feet in front of the fireplace. Or radiator, for you New Yorkers. Something quiet. Candles, lavender baths. Throw your cell phone out the window if it rings. We like that kind of stuff.
Leo!
Grrrrrrr…………….
I’ve dated two Leos in my life, and frankly, they set the bar for the rest of all of you goobers. Not only do they rock the bedroom, (I hear certain girls arguing with me, but I’m ignoring you), they like to love. They like to cuddle. They like to say, “Baby, it’s going to be okay,” whether it’s true or not. They remember things about you, but they don’t necessarily like to have you do all those same things for them. They annoy the hell out of Cancers sometimes, because you can’t coddle them—or if you do, you have to sneak up on them in one of their weak, insecure moments and pretend you’re just clipping their toenails, while you’re actually wiping their tears. They pretend to be all big and bad, but they don’t fool anyone. Don’t know why you Kitty-Cats try so hard. If you’re dating a Leo man, let him plan the evening. It could be one of those situations where you have to trick him into thinking it was all his idea. As for Leo women, (I guess…) you’re going to have to pretend the plans were already made and can’t be changed, otherwise she’s going to find a way to maneuver things the way she thinks they should be. And then she won’t be as happy with it. Buy them things, even though they’ll wrinkle their noses—they’re not really into receiving gifts that much. But secretly, they’ll be quite pleased.
Virgo!
What’s she gonna say about me????
Oh, calm down, Virgy. The Virgos I’ve dated are line by line reading this page and sweating blood about what I’m going to say about them—but too nervous about what I’m going to say to actually jump down and just read the damn thing. I’m not even going to begin to analyze the relationships I’ve had with Virgos—they’ve already dissected them down to basic molecular components which they’ve got stored in strange Virgo laboratory in their basements. I pity the Landlords, I really do. A lot of discussion will be involved in your relationships with Virgos. Also, a lot of Scrabble. They’re quite romantic in their own way—you can tell when they’ve genuinely been thinking about you, but if you’re the type to need outlandish forms of romantic expression, move to Scorpio. Virgos are subtle, but sincere. They make good mates, if you don’t set external expectations on them. Taking a Virgo out for Valentine’s Day? I suggest a documentary film, a reading or play where they can sit and analyze for awhile, and let them analyze out loud for awhile at the bar or coffee shop later. You don’t have to shower them with lovey-dovey words, they’ll find serious listening quite romantic. Gifts? Think gadgets or games. But be prepared that you’ll lose your Virgo to the really cool toy you just gave them for like, two days. And although they can be introverted, they make surprisingly wild lovers—if you find the right seams to rip……
Libra!
“Buy me presents. I want presents.”
That’s a direct Libra quote, by the way. No, haven’t dated Libras either. But I’ve been best friends with one for twelve years. These kittens are the biggest fusers in the whole zodiac. If you get hooked up with one, you’ve got a MATE. They are going to bring their all to your relationship and they’re going to find a way, damnit, to make it work. They know that can sometimes lead to co-dependency, but I’ve found that most people don’t want to be co-dependant, but don’t complain so much if a person is co-dependent on them. They will watch you, listen to you, know you, and smack you on the head if you fuck around. Again, Poly people need not apply. Infidelity is a big no-no in Libra Land. On both sides. They give a lot of attention, but they need a lot of attention as well. Just like Taurus, they are also more sensitive than they let on, so when you feel the need to call them on their shit—try and be gentle about it, okay? They are forgiving creatures, though. They like sex, but more than they like sex, they like to be desired. Now. For the important thing. If you want to date a Libra, you’re going to need to get outlandish and ridiculous. I’m talking a dozen roses. And a horse-drawn carriage. And a sunset walk on the beach where you read the corny poem you wrote. Pictures, pictures, pictures. Making them presents is a good way to go, but you need to SHOW YOUR LOVE IN A WAY THAT LIBRA CAN SHOW TO EVERYONE. Seriously. I’m talking Hallmark/Lifetime movie romance. Don’t be cheap and if they say they want something, they’re not fucking around. However, they prefer for you to be the one to plan the horse-drawn champagne sipping tour through the Enchanted Forest.
Scorpio!
We can’t do that, can we????
Good god. My romantic associations with Scorpios are the reason I continuously need to make fun of them. These slimy bastards will sweep you off your silly feet in three words or less. They are sexy, they are romantic. They are the type that climb up the trellis (um…fire escape?) and sneak into your bed—not for sex, just to hold you. Well, maybe for sex, too. But they’re so completely insecure and easy to mess with. Do you find them attractive? Do you find them attractive enough? Who else do you find attractive? Would you ever want to date your ex again? These are very serious questions in the mind of a Scorpio. Now, Poly people. These people are not the ones you necessarily date—they are you. We all know Scorpios have a teensy-weensy-itsy-bitsy problem with keeping their sexual organs to themselves. However, if their partner ever strayed on them—they’d probably find a way to make it look like not a big deal, but secretly plot the death of the extra-lover. They’re naughty that way. They like keeping tabs on their former lovers (Don’t lie. That’s why you read my blog.), and are quite obsessed with knowing what their former lovers are saying about them. I say almost nothing about my former Scorpios….just to annoy them. If you’re wanting to date a Scorpio, male or female, let them take the lead. Scorpios don’t plan their dates, nor are the super-spontaneous with them. A date with a Scorpio just kind of “evolves.” I don’t know how to better explain that. You go over to a Scorpio’s house to borrow a cup of sugar, and six hours later, you find yourself sitting on the bank of a creek in the next state over, sucking that sugar from their thumb and watching the ripples on the water. Damn, Weber. Someone needs to sleep.
Sagittarius!
I’m going to need a drink for that.
Wanna hear about my Valentine’s Day date with a Sag? End of a two-year matchstick war—this was the only guy who ever got me to throw things, only guy I’ve ever screamed at in public. He liked it. Anger=funny. Not every Sag enjoys verbal abuse or the sight of their somewhat-significant-other slamming his/her purse against the side of the movie theater, but they do like that kind of “excitement,” or “passion” or “psychosis.” I wanted this Sag to be my Valentine that year, but I had to trick him (that’s the Scorpio in me). Not, “What are you doing for Valentine’s Day?” but “Wanna hang out and do something on Wednesday?” He showed up at my apartment with a two pound Hershey bar and said something like, “I was supposed to bring chocolate or something, right? Did you know it's Valentine's Day?” Then, we watched Spinal Tap. Deliciously romantic, no? See? If you want to date a Sag, you have to pretend that it’s not a date. They’re not stupid, they’ll know it’s a date, but they won’t freak out if you let them pretend that you’re just pretending to go on a date. Competitive stuff: darts, pool, poker, those are good things to do with a Sag—keep them busy or they’ll get into your medicine cabinet. You might want to let them win, though, especially if they’re not good at the game. Highly recommended course of action. Careful with the flowers and the foofy stuff. Typical Sag will prefer a bottle of bourbon.
Capricorn!
You’re just going to have to go on instinct.
I have never, ever, ever dated a Capricorn. That’s an investment right there. The kids have expensive taste, and they don’t come outright and just tell you what they want you to do for them. Gift-wise, emotion-wise, any of it. Capricorns truly believe that somewhere in your mind is a tattoo-ed list of all of their wants and needs, and if you don’t cater to them, they’re angry. Ever seen a goat get angry? Neither have I, but I hear they kick a lot of things. That sounds about right for your Capricorn. On the upside, they will provide for you and support you—provided you provide and support them, too. They’ve got your wants and needs down, too, but don’t forget the reciprocation. They don’t always thank you outright, but they genuinely appreciate you. (We think.) Yeah, if you’re taking a Capricorn out this Valentine’s Day, might wanna take out a loan, too. Of course, the investment is worth it. Go for quality, not quantity. Such as A diamond instead of a DOZEN roses……
Aquarius!
Where’d they go?
Yeah, these kids aren’t a good match for Cancers. I think I tried to date one in high school. I’m amazed they ever date anyone at all. They’re fun, oh yes, they’re a friggin’ blast and a half. But you’re going to want to stand still when you’re trying to date these cats. Don't chase 'em, don't cage 'em. They’re less likely to have the “Do we want to move in together?” discussion, and more likely to come over to your house one day and never go home. I’m sure Aquarians have married before, but I can’t think of any right now. They’re more likely to shack up for the long-term. Again, lots of fun, but if you need consistent I-love-you-and-will-never-leave-you-ever-ever-ever, I don’t think Aquarius is your match. You’ll have one of your insecure, weepy moments and your Aquarius will look at you with a crinkled brow, and then go climb up on the roof to watch the fireworks. There may not even be fireworks that night—but that’s never really mattered to Aquarius. It’s not to say they’ll never be attentive to your emotional baggage, but they might leave it in the overhead compartment a little longer than the other signs. I highly suggest taking your Aquarius Valentine to an amusement park (if it’s not too cold) or some other place where they can run around for a couple of hours. Parks are good, too. Just open the car door slightly and watch them go, go, go. It’s February, so they’ll want that heated car again soon.
Pisces!
I could go for some of that…..
I dated my first Pisces last year. These kids are hot because they tuuuuuunnnnnnnneeeee into you. Running into a new Pisces, you’re bound to feel as though you’ve met them somewhere before. The hard part with your fishy friends is that they're often up to something. Usually, it's for the good of humanity. Sometimes, they're psychically wishing your death. They're not always apt to tell you what's bothering them--and they don't always want to. They're not going to ask you to talk about your feelings, because they already know what they are. I'm awfully fond of Pisces, if you munchkins can't tell. But as I've said before, they're slippery little things who swim away and hide for awhile, popping out of the plastic plants only when the coast looks clear (or when you're not expecting it.) Like fish, they only survive under specific conditions, so monitor the stress, temperature and acidity of your apartment on a regular basis. You can try to plan a date with your Pisces, but they're going to manuever it whatever way they want it to go. Sure, you planned a cordial coffee date--but they had a trip to the Coney Island Freak Show in mind....and that's where you'll find yourself happily entangled the next morning......
Happy Valentine's Day, Lovely-Hearts!!!!
xoxo
C
1 comment:
I prefer yatzee. However, the bottle of bourbon is right up my alley!!!
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