Sister Mary Does the Meme

I’m going to break character here for a brief moment. I was MEMED by Becky Comtois. For those of you just now joining us, the MEME is a tech-savy chain letter where you get a chance to talk about yourself even more in your blog. You do it when you’re tagged by someone else’s blog. The theme of this MEME is “Eight Things You Probably Don’t Know About Me.” Then, you have to tag eight people to do the same! It’s a brilliant move on the part of Google to gather even more information about us to better enable them to sell us crap we don’t need.

So, here goes:

1.) Sister Mary Manhattan was a name I used in bars in New London, CT, when flirting with sailors. At the time, my life was so frustrating and confusing, it was much more fun to tell people I was a nun than an unemployed, blocked-fiction writer. It made the sailors angry, sometimes. They’d buy me drinks in hopes of getting me loopy enough to tell the truth. It never worked, but I appreciated the free booze. When I came back to New York, I still called myself Sister Mary and it became my pet name from two different guys I later dated—one of whom encouraged me to make a MySpace page for her. She attracted a devout following of Wiccans, Satan Worshipers and Miscreants that grew so quickly it scared the hell out of me. I hid from her followers for about six months. When I began AstrologyExplained, I decided to give the character another try. Her original following has since diminished—seeing her in the flesh just wasn’t as exciting, I guess—but her new followers seem to love the Astrologer Nun in fishnets and a rhinestone-studded habit and they don’t frighten me.

2.) I c-c-c-canNOT stop listening to Tom Waits’s “New Coat of Paint.” Don’t even bother saying that it’s not his best album. Don’t remind me that it’s not him singing. I don’t care. I can’t turn it off. Friends gave me an intervention. I went to hypnotherapy. I have a patch. Doesn’t matter. Can’t stop. I’m listening to it right now. Leave me alone.

3.) I have irrational phobias. I fear falling through subway grates and being electrocuted by metal plates in the sidewalk. If you walk down the street with me, you’ll notice me walking around these things. I also fear scorpions and tarantulas. Although I’ve never lived in a climate where these creatures could survive, I fear finding one in my bed or shoe.

4.) I have a ghost I call Walter, who “lives” in my closet. We’ve finally accepted each other. He’s only really active when I have women friends come by. His favorites are Steph, Rebekah and Izzy—all of whom have either seen and/or heard him knock stuff around to get their attention.

5.) My apartment is a woo-woo battleground. Staunch skeptics have entered my pad, seen things and ran away believers. (They never do come back, though.) I’ve designated it as a place for Fairies, who do not get along with Angels. Angels don’t like being told they can’t come in somewhere. There are lots of good Angels out there, please don’t get me wrong. Many have helped me and I appreciate them. But I’ve often experienced them to be rather haughty and bitchy to other spiritual beings. I prefer Fairies because they’re fun and warn you when necessary, but step out of the way to let you learn your own lessons. They do hide your stuff, though, which gets old. Neither the Fairies or Angels get along well with the Native Spirits of Manhattan Island. I’m working to fix this last part.

6.) My building is full of Santaria. At any given time, there are a whole host of dead Dominicans and island Saints running up and down the halls and stairs. They’re attracted to parties, so if you’ve ever attended a party at my place, you’ve almost certainly shared the couch with one of neighbor’s ancestors. Don’t get scared. They’re usually pretty cool and just want to have a little fun, too. But they don’t always mix well with Fairies, either. Yeah. It gets kind of rowdy at my place.

7.) I do not do drugs. Nope. Not even pot.

8.) Failure is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Last year, I left my job in Connecticut and moved back to New York to try to get into graduate school for creative writing, shacking up with an 87 year old beauty queen. I dropped most of my savings in travel to these places, application fees, GRE testing and materials, etc. etc. Oh yeah. And I ran into the Greatest Writing Block Of All Time. I would try to write, and would cry on the paper or keyboard instead. I applied to ten schools and was accepted by none. But being nearly broke, seemingly out of options and having had my fears of being talent-less confirmed was…liberating. If I was truly a talent-less failure, I might as well have fun failing and sucking at everything. Right? Turns out that just doing it and not trying so hard to be good at it makes you better. Suddenly, I could write. Suddenly, I could also play guitar, sort of, and be funny onstage. Sort of. Astrology! Who would have thought? I’ve got a following now, a column in the Bakespace.com newsletter and fiction editors have begun requesting my work. I have the best day job I could ask for and a fantastic apartment—both of which I received within days of the final rejection letter. Granted, if this was my rock bottom, I do recognize that my personal rock-bottom was lined with fluffy, fuzzy pillows, I do believe that when things fall apart, you can finally laugh at yourself and get back up stronger. I wish everyone such a successful failure. I have yet to successfully fail with men, though. Working on that. :)

One of the above pieces of information is drastically exaggerated. Can you guess which one?

Now, I tag the following 8 people! Many of these are MySpace bloggers…but that’s okay. Meredith, Robin, Kanani, Tony, Kirk, Teresa, Liz, and Nola.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Remember the end of “The Shawshank Redemption?” when Tim Robbins is standing in a river of poo-poo and praising the rain that he finally got out? That’s what’s going to happen to you this week, Fiery Ram of Hell. You’re finally going to give up, give in, or get out. Also at the end of “Shawshank,” Tim Robbins gets to go hang out with his best friend, Morgan Freeman on the beach in Mexico. You need to end this week in this method, with someone you’re crazy about. Seriously. No, seriously. Leave. Go to Mexico. Please don’t take this personally, but we’re quite tired of your wretched attitude and want you to go take some time in the sun with your shmoopy. Get drunk. Get laid. Come back in a better mood.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Oh boy! This is tremendously exciting. Ed McMahon is on his way to your house with a bunch of balloons and a big, fat cardboard check which the government plans to keep anyway!!! That’s got to be true for someone, somewhere. And that person is a Taurus. For the rest of the Tauruses, you may not get that big bracket jump this week, but something’s going to come your way at least a little brag-worthy. The bad news is that you’re probably not going to want to take this opportunity. Getting offered the lead role in a triple-X thriller entitled “Rear Entry” does indeed mean that you have a great ass. That’s brag-worthy. However, the work itself could provide…um…discomfort, maybe? Oh, hell. If you’re into that, go for it. You’ll never have so much fun making so much cash.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
When the voices in your head get too loud, it’s time for some medication. If they won’t give you drugs, try meditation. It’s free, and you can do it from home. Within the chaos that is the infernal dance party of your mind, the mousy little voices of reason and intuition got crushed under the stiletto heels of paranoia, narcissism and “gimme gimme gimme all kinds of shit I don’t need.” Whether or not your Gemini birthday bash was quite as exciting as that of your subconscious, you’re suffering from some sort of hangover and it’s completely your own fault. You had a funny feeling that drinking the Kool-aid at that last cult meeting was a bad idea…but you went ahead and did it and now you’re paying the sickening consequences. Try to turn down the music in your brain and give some time to reason and intuition. I think it’s the only way to get yourself out of your latest jam.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Oh good…changes and shifts. Because it’s oh, so easy for a good Cancer to unhinge the claws and pull away happily—particular in matters of the heart. (I type in molasses-thick sarcasm.) But, guess what? Retrograde has slammed into every part of our lives with such a force that what I typed above is actually true. Those of you who date or partner with a Cancer will be shocked to find us uncharacteristically un-clingy, uninterested in enabling your vices, and not manipulating you with a crying jag session. This is because we’re too busy cleaning up the messes in our personal and professional lives. To my fellow Crabby Babies: we’re getting worn out hitting pothole after pothole on this current stretch of cosmic highway. The good news is that with each thud, our own universal vehicles grow stronger. A good giggle is required to get through these times. We’ll have so much fodder to use on the crowd at our mojito-laced birthday bashes next month!

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leo—this week you will meet a dashing stranger with at least a quarter million in the bank and they want to spend it all on you. I’m not sure if this is true for all Leos, but there is one lucky Leo out there who will indeed score in this fashion. Other Leos, you too will find yourself wrapped in some sort of delicious partnership. We know, you romantic beast you, that you’re hoping for this to be Harlequin-paper back worthy, but this is likely to be a creative, business or even platonic friendship. In any case, you’re going to be feeling good and looking better as a result of this collaboration. Just don’t disappear into it—again. Your other friends will be jealous and won’t invite you over for poker anymore. That might hurt your feelings.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgo children across the Universe are running around the cosmic backyards swiping at fireflies, only to find that they’re catching nasty, biting critters with no ass-lights. All the other children are going to bed with jars of pretty bugs to light up their rooms, but not Virgo. Pretty Virgins—the Universe is eliminating the distractions in order for you to go in and work on you. Accept that in the coming weeks your pick-ups lines will fail. Orchestrating social events will end up in numerous cancellations. No one will stop to even listen to your snake-oil pitch. Being a Virgo, you’ll panic and try to analyze your way out of this boring time. Instead, analyze you! You’re thinking, “Me? I don’t even know where to begin.” I suggest making a list. Virgos like lists. This list should detail all of the qualities Virgo would like to strengthen in the coming months. Keep it on your fridge and check each one off as it’s completed. Reward yourself with a Jolly Rancher for every lovely item you let shine in your lives.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libra doesn’t like secrets. Libra loathes surprise. Well, it’s not that they wouldn’t enjoy the attention a good surprise party will bring, but they’d rather know about it and buy all the “right” food and invite the “right” people and pretend to be surprised on the big day. Got a Libra kid? Plan that they’re going to slit open the Christmas presents to see if they got what they wanted and tape them back up. Because of their hatred for the unknown, Libras are in a tizzy this week. They are not in control of everything in their immediate vicinity and it’s making them crazy. Libra, when this matter finally settles, it may not be to your liking. Instead of sinking into your disappointment quicksand again, see that not getting your way may be leaving open doors for the Universe to bring along surprises you may enjoy even more! I know, I know, the surprise gift isn’t your thing. But the Universe is better at hiding gifts than your Mom was. There will be no way to snoop around this.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Ruled by the genitals (I didn’t make that up. It’s a cosmic truth), Scorpio is often consumed by where they’re going to stick it/take it. This week, it’s still true. If they’re in a relationship, Sinatra songs have been playing in the background. If they’re merely stalking their next co-dependent victim, said person will finally flash a smile in Scorpio’s general direction. However, Scorpio is going to freak out when said situation suddenly freezes up toward the end of the week. You are strongly encouraged not to freak out. This person’s sudden flip in interest is not because they don’t think you’re the sexiest motherfucker around, it’s because they probably got slammed by the Retrograde and are dealing with its cataclysmic after effects. Is this person a Cancer? Even more true. Really. It’s not you. It is them. Avoid chain smoking and over indulgence at the bar. It won’t turn around this person’s situation and will affect your health in a negative fashion.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sag, your recent roller coaster of a life is finally going to make a little more sense. For the past few weeks, you’ve been putting out so many little wacky brushfires, you haven’t had a chance to stop and figure out who or what has been starting them! Good news, kids! This week, the cosmic arsonist in your life will reveal itself. Sagittarius deals with attack in one of two ways: 1.) Curling up in a fetal position under their bed and waiting for it all to go away. 2.) Tearing sixty new assholes in whatever screwed with them. I see the majority of Sags going with Door Number Two, this week. That is, if they don’t get distracted by the pretty bells and shiny beads on Door Number One. No, Sag. Don’t go with the shiny.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Very interesting…when Polar Opposite Cancer shed its usual tendencies to cling and fuse to friends and lovers, Capricorn picked them up. Normally independent and secure Capricorn is going to be doing the, “Why don’t we ever talk anymore, honey?” routine which will confuse the hell out whoever they’re seeing. If they’re not seeing anyone, they’re frantically text messaging best friends from bathrooms across the Cosmos, having taken things their co-worker said far too personally. Capricorn, embracing your polar opposite is normally something that strengthens—but not when you embrace your polar opposite’s frantic, co-dependant weaknesses. Slow down. Deep, cleansing breaths. Remember that golden string from your acting class, connecting you to the Heavens. These things will make you far sexier to the person you like so much. ;)

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
When your roommate’s sixteen Bulgarian relatives came in for the weekend, you assumed the weekend would end on Monday, correct? Wrong. Turns out they weren’t even from Bulgaria—but from some other vaguely European country the name of which you can’t even pronounce and now there’s visa issues and they can’t leave. The problem is that your name isn’t even on the lease. You may even be an alien yourself (legal, illegal or extra-terrestrial) and perhaps saying something means your ass is going back to Mars. They’re really cracking down on this kind of stuff these days. Whatever strange string of events has locked you in this closet, there isn’t a whole lot you can do about it. Laugh at these quirky times. Write about it, if you get a chance to focus for three minutes. Let these wacky events influence your brilliant creative process. That’s probably all that they’re going to be good for, so you might as well take advantage.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Oh, you poor thing. Just when you thought it couldn’t possibly get worse, Worse showed up your stoop and tapdanced for a couple of days. What bastard Worse can be. Pisces has been feeling as though whenever something just starts to go right, it all falls apart. This nasty fact happens to be a Fucked-Up-Fact-Of-Life, but it’s been particularly evident in the lives of the Dual-Fishes this year. Pisces is wont to hide in the face of disaster and as a Cancer, I thoroughly relate. However, while you’re tucked away in your safety place, know that not all opportunities are open to you, not all open opportunities are appropriate, and new opportunities are born in a loss. You are not being judged as critically by others as you are by the nasty judges in your own head. This dark time will pass, but unfortunately, you’re going to have to weather it alone. Take it as a good thing. When taking passengers on stormy seas, you drastically increase the chances that they will get seasick and puke all over your bare feet. Ew.