Thanks to everyone who came out to the Ass-tro Hour last night! Special thanks to Stephanie Cox Williams who filled in as our true-ish ghost story teller when Michele was called to attend an extremely sick little kitty. Don’t worry, kids. If you got trapped under a dead hooker or something, you can still make it out to SMUT! tomorrow night (Monday, 6/4) at Galapagos. Sister Mary will once again give the forecast for the coming week, and take time to answer all of your neurotic questions about your sign and that of the person you’re screwing. 8:00 PM! Free!!!
It’s a great time to go click your heels and make merry in the streets before the summer sun comes along and cooks us all to death with our heels still clicking in the pavement. Ah, ha! Cooled by a Scorpio full moon—this is going to be an insane week. Guess what? Mercury is also entering Retrograde. This week, the Gods of the Universe have put us all into a cosmic salad shooter, they had a little too much to drink and now they’re firing us all out into the abyss of the planetary back yards.
Expect three hour phone calls, even from people who normally abhor conversation. And like only a Gemini can do, plan to see 3,000+ words crammed into a mere 90 seconds, yet without anything actually being said! The Scorpio moon will prompt extreme emotional outbursts from everyone from your local librarian to your local meth fiend. Take care when returning your books or visiting the lab. Computers will crash, cell phones will vanish . You may find yourself trapped for hours in a stalled subway on the Williamsburg bridge. Don’t grumble too much! YOU COULD MEET THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE IN SAID SITUATION!!!
The Scorpio Full Moon will make us all want to go shag the night away, and it falling under the realm of Gemini—the chattery, social sign who always enjoys company—your dreams of completing your three-some or four-some or eight-some might just come true this week. However, use caution with sex toys—Mercury in Retrograde may cause them to malfunction, which could cause injury. Stick to organic fisting to be on the safe side.
But there’s some marginal good news to report! All of this emotional la-la is going to finally force some of the old stuff we all should have dealt with a long time ago into the forefront, to let the cosmic summer winds sweep away. That’s the one good thing Mercury in Retrograde is good for. So, if all of our computers crash, perhaps we’ll go back to a tribal society, come out of our houses a little more often and learn to weave.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Continuing to feel constricted by that damn boa around your neck, Aries is wont to sit at home a lot the next couple of days. Being a bit of a rebel, and wounded by their recent flop-out, they’re less likely to want to come out and play while the rest of the world is prompted by Gemini to do so. Suddenly overcome with emotions they haven’t seen in awhile, Aries may do the unlikely thing of watching a couple of Lifetime movies and frankly, just not be too pleasant to be around. Fortunately, this emotional laxative period will clear out the old gunk clogging their eye-ways for awhile. They’ll be fresh and new by the beginning of next week and will be heaps of fun to play with.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Frustrated by the absence of the Communication Planet, Taurus will once again revert to tantrums—often in public places. The time where no one understands one another will grate particularly hard on the sign who needs to know that people are listening. The truth is, everyone is listening, but no one has a goddamn clue as to what others are saying. Taurus may be inclined to make snap decisions, so Sister Mary advises avoiding filing for divorce, getting pierced, buying a boat or doing anything that will cause permanent changes to your life or credit. Any major decisions made at this time will likely cause regrets. AND, likewise, the end of the coming week will prove extremely fruitful, as you will be bc.c’d on a complimentary email or overhear something nice about you through the bathroom stall wall. You’ll realize that all the things you were oh-so worried about don’t really exist and all will be better in a few short days.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Good goddess—you kids have absolutely NO reason to be so goddamn upset!!! No, no you don’t. First of all, it’s your birthday. You should be out having fun. The monkeys are saying you’re letting the immature Mr./Ms. Hyde take over a normally charming and balanced Dr. Who-the-Fuck. But again, it’s a process of not learning and not letting go. I hereby disagree with my own flea bitten Flying Monkeys—while you may have those tendencies (who doesn’t?), I think you’re upset because everyone else in your life is freaking out and you don’t want to miss out on anything. That’s what’s crazy about our loopy Twins: if someone else is into it, they can’t be left out. Even if that “it” kind of sucks. Embrace this time of un-suckiness, for they are few and far between. Be grateful Mercury’s retrograde only grazed the top of your pinstriped fedora. You’ll get to play next time.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Cancerians this next week (drooling long into the first part of July…) can expect to see the following events: 1.) Doors left open: Try very, very, very, very hard not to be so distracted that we forget to the lock the doors and come home to find the stereo missing. Of course, the “doors left open” thing is symbolic. Most Cancerians spent a good portion of their middle school years inside a garbage can or locker and we’ve never gotten over it. Let the locker/garbage can days go. Along with the valentines we got from people who have long since gotten knocked up or gone to rehab. 2.) Universal law of Cancer Sun Sign: if it exists, it will distract us. This Retrograde will provide unusually sparkly and gorgeous devastations for us to overanalyze and obsequiously blog about. 3.) We will rise triumphant—because no one knows better than a Cancer how to kick the ass of bad tidings. Once we’re bored freaking out about them.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Yoga, meditation and fine marijuana will be your friends this week, kitten. Take a moment to distance yourself from all the chaos that surrounds you. You’re likely to become entangled in someone else’s ball of yarn. Instead of running around the apartment like a freaked out cat-needing-spaying, take a second to release yourself from that which is binding you. Chewing off your limbs in not an option unless you happened to be trapped up in Patagonia somewhere. Stretch your golden arms through everyone else’s Universes with only the aim of showering love and light. Don’t get tied up to someone else’s stuff. Unless you’re tied to someone else’s bedposts. If so, stay where you are because it’s bound to get better…
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Now, the rest of the world may disagree with me, but I think losing both your legs in that car accident was probably the best thing that ever happened to you. (Knock on wood that this isn’t a true story.) Basically, you suffered whatever nasty blow because you needed to stop what you were doing. The Universe kept telling you to slow down, slow down…but you kept distracting yourself with all your little projects that you haven’t found fulfillment in—for at least six months. Since you’re laid up and on a ton of Vicadin, you have no choice but to write cathartic poetry about the lost loves of your life on your bathroom wall. It could turn out that you’re the greatest poet whoever lived—and the first great poet not to die in extreme poverty! At the very least, you’ll get some of those issues out of your head that are going gangrene in your emotional life.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
It was the end of one chapter and a juicy one it was! The credits rolled, the audience clapped, you may not have made as much in the theater but the DVD looks promising. Now, you’re taking a break before beginning the sequel. Libras hate this, in case no one is aware. Vacations are not about relaxing, they’re about planning for the next one. Whatever dragon the Libra was after has been slayed, stuffed and mounted over the radiator. Good work. But since dragon hunting season is over, regroup and start looking for something else to hunt—and kill, if you’re into the barbaric way of doing things. Guess what? In the midst of this boredom, you’re suddenly going to have a fantastic idea involving the life of someone else. One of your weaknesses is trying to tell everyone else what to do, but in this circumstance, you will prove to be quite helpful.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Now, I wouldn’t call Scorpio a greedy maternal copulater without due cause. In fact, despite the majority of shit that Scorpio does to infuriate the rest of us, embezzlement is not necessarily one of them. Don’t get me wrong, they’re likely to help plan such a plot (plotting is great fun to a Scorpio…) but in time they’ll grow to fear other plot members, the walls, the clock, themselves, the cash they steal and bail for a cabin in what’s left of the Tundra just to keep from being aligned with mischief. Scorpio, your mistrust for others will work out to your benefit. Keeping to yourself, hunched over your workstation has made great impressions on the boss who plans to reward you. The money won’t come through immediately, but when it does, you’ll get to go buy all the really cool shit you’ve been scoping online while the boss thought you were working. Sister Mary’s birthday is coming up, just so you know….
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Now, Sagittarius did score big on the embezzlement scam. Sag may not have been the one who originally thought the thought, but was the one who kicked it into action and didn’t stop, even when the sirens went off and the cops were chasing them down the street. Sag’s problem is that they can’t keep their mouths shut which is why this week, we’ll probably see a lot of Sag in the jail, in the principal’s office, or having multiple “Honey, may I see you in the kitchen?” conversations. Sag now has to rely on others to help them out of trouble. This will feel like an enormous step back for our friend Sagittarius, who is happiest when no one is trying to tell them what to do. I think they’ll also find that whatever got them into this situation is a repeat of a few previous, identical situations. Learn from it this time, Sag. That way none of us will need to bail you out again.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
It looks as though Capricorn seriously lucked out this week! Your week will not suck. That’s because you were finally given the time and space to let your OCD impulses run amok and now your house, life and personal relationships are all in order. The cauldron even says that you’re going to remain in control over these things for at least another three or four days. Looks as though the first part of the Retrograde missed you, so enjoy this rare opportunity to tell everyone else what to do. We’ll listen because frankly, we’re all falling apart here. It also looks as though you’ll be the one with the cash and while the rest of us know better than to ask a Capricorn for a handout, you’ll probably find a lot of willing workers to paint your bathroom, do your laundry, give your dog a Dead Sea mud mask, la la la. Take advantage of this easy week. Retrograde is sticking around through the first part of July and isn’t done with you yet.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Our Water-Bearer is doing everything in his/her power to ignore the Retrograde. While the rest of us are hammering our skulls into walls, Aquarius is out in the street lighting off illegal fireworks. Weeee!!!! Summer is here!!! Aquarius, please bear in mind that the nature of Retrograde is for everything to go exactly how we hope, beg, pray that it doesn’t. Do you live in a dense, urban area? Is it possible that there are homes and apartment buildings that are not fireproof and may pose a danger to those living within? The Flying Monkeys of the Cauldron of Bare-Ass Truth urge you to take a moment to see if the distractions you embraced may be harmful to yourself, to others and to the future of the planet. You stand a chance of missing the brunt of this Retrograde entirely, but only if you put away your toys so you don’t trip on them when Mercury’s nasty winds blow through.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Oops. Someone left their I-Pod in a little too long and suffered hearing damage. Or worse, ignored a vital warning and is now paying the price for it. When you say to a specific someone, “I’m sorry, but I just didn’t hear you…” you can pretty much guarantee that your ass is on the futon that night. Futons cause back problems and possibly more hearing loss. Everything is connected, you know? However, know that there is opportunity in loss, even hearing loss. Sign language is a beautiful way to communicate. And then, you can have conversations about people you don’t like in FRONT of them! You don’t have to sneak off into the corner anymore to do your gossip! Think of the whole new community with whom you’ll be able to commiserate. Pisces, this latest adventure is merely part of the cycle of loss and gain anew that you’ve been seeing a lot of lately. It will not be anymore devastating than anything else you’ve suffered recently.
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