Greetings, sinners! You are all wantonly congratulated for ignoring my predictions last week and getting laid all to hell. Sister Mary scratched under her wimple in delighted bewilderment. Isn’t Venus in Retrograde? Why are people suddenly slamming together in every room of every party in the Cosmos? Or is it just New York…?
But then it all became clear.
This weekend, we experienced a Scorpio moon and therefore, a desperate need to screw (Scorpios being the slutty scorpion that governs the genital region). Thank you, Scorpio. We’re all thankful for your visit over the weekend. Particularly in a Leo time, when people get feisty and crave domination!
Now, be careful. Without Venus present, a lot of hearts are getting broken and old wounds re-salted. Having Scorpio present means a lot of brooding will be going on, and Leo’s easily wounded ego is only going to make romance more complicated. But as we’ve discovered, this Leo/Scorpio time makes for great sex—so turn off the computer and get out there. Scorpio will be hanging around through Wednesday, when Sag takes over which promises a lot of tricks and twizzles to delight you through next weekend.
Okay, so we’re not getting the fairy-tale-la-la-birds-and-butterflies-ending this week. But it does look like we’re going to be partying and romping through the next seven days. Take pictures and send them to Sister Mary Manhattan, if you would. Mother Superior is holding the annual naughty collage contest next, and I’m determined to beat out Sister Mary Brooklyn this year.
Onward to the week of August 19-25! It’s not as if you have a choice, anyway…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Contrary to popular belief, Aries isn’t the partier its brethren fire signs tend to be. Think more bouncer than barfly. If you’re involved with an Aries, be prepared that the majority of the world is going to annoy the crap out of them. Yeah, Aries. You’re going to want peace and quiet. Good luck finding it, but if you do, you’ll be thrilled to find that your higher power is actually a golden version of you. That’s right. Your higher power is a golden ram who will provide you with a psychic hammer, quite useful for (symbolically, please) cracking the skulls of all the morons disrupting your all-too fragile mental disposition.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Man it sucks to have your home planet in Retrograde…Taurus, you more than any of us need to be taking full advantage of this Scorpio time. I actually don’t know a single Taurus/Scorpio relationship, friendship, co-workership, or swingership that didn’t end in broken glass and therapy. But if you take this time to open up your stubborn mind to a couple of tricks the Universe could teach you, this week could be a lot of fun. Actually, forget everything I just said. Word from the cauldron reads that Taurus is going to be cooped up at home with a case of the Brokes. I hope it’s the brokes. Haven’t noticed many flu bugs around these days. You’re not missing out on anything. Really. No one is having any fun without you. Don’t read anymore of this blog. Seriously. Stop it.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Oh, yeah…Gemini is going to have a fabulous time this week. Chock full of commitment-phobic sex and frolicking semi-to-fully nude in the Universal streets? Awesome! This is exactly Gemini’s kind of week. Except…they’re going to fall hopelessly in love. Gemini, this is a very bad time to fall in love. Please be the exception and please prove poor little Sister Mary wrong, but if you start putting your heart into something now, you’re likely to get it handed back to you with a fist print in it. Probably a couple of cigarette burns as well. The good news is that you’re Gemini. If it doesn’t work, you’ll cry for a week and the next week won’t even remember the person’s name.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Ah, Cancers. This week is the perfect time to partake in our second favorite pastime: Flagrant Self-Destruction (second only to Obsessing Over Shit Long Gone). If we do feel the absolute need to ruin a frighteningly suitable partnership, this will be the greatest week to do so. In fact, we’ll be out gallivanting with some worthless someone, and will probably catch our partners doing the same thing in the same alley with someone even more worthless! Let’s use this coming unfortunate embarrassment to get rid of the drama in our lives for ten minutes and work on something important. Like that collection of short stories clogging up your hard drive. Whatever it is we’re supposed to work on, it’s going to take for-friggin’-ever so we’re not allowed to quit this time and do something else. Which means I’m actually going to have to finish these horrorscopes…huh?
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leos have been trying seriously hard to rock their birthday month hard core, but stuff just keeps getting in the way. This week may just provide the blogger-worthy adventure you’re looking for! Note of caution: Scorpio’s presence is going to cause a lot of misunderstandings. You’re likely to take something said by your partner’s play buddy at the swinger club far too personally. You’re actually quite excellent at fellatio, so stop crying in the corner. Keep in mind that most of the douchey things people say are because they’re unhappy people who don’t know how to be nice. That has nothing to do with your powers of fellatio. Cheer up and don’t let someone else’s vapid insecurities ruin yet another week for you kittens.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
It’s not as though Virgo needs to loosen up. Ha! Okay, I suck at lying. Virgo is always in need of loosening up. However, this week you’re not going to have a choice. The chaos abounding will drag you out to the club like a debaucherous tidal wave. Hang on to your Wild Turkey, which will be your safety latch. I think you are the only sign actually encouraged to hide from your sources of nasty frustration this week. Most of the problems Virgo faces at the moment come not from anything they’re doing wrong, but simply from what the Universe is crapping on their doorstep. The only way to weather through it is to find some way to laugh at it. And don’t forget the Wild Turkey.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Wow. While the rest of us are out blowing our gas and oil bill money on this Leo/Scorpio ride, you’re actually making cash on a spiked lemonade stand. Tricky, tricky Libra. You got off easy last week too, as I recall. This week, it’s not going to be so easy. Your lemonade stand is likely to be assaulted by a pack of rabid, bike humping hipsters. The reconstruction of said stand will take far longer than you expected. Do not waste your energy tracking down evil hipsters with the intent of strangling them with their IPods. This will not create the balance you crave or fix your broken stand. You may even do time with scary people in a place with bars and slippery soap bars. Patience is your friend this week, darling.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Okay. Scorpio. If you haven’t been getting laid lately, this week holds all kinds of opportunity for you—you knowing better than anyone how to handle your own crazy moon. But you know what? Hold off. Right, you’re going to ignore me and straddle one of the nasty hipsters Libra is strangling, (we know you get off on struggle) but this is your week for communication. Talk to people instead of screwing them. It might just make you a better person come the following week. You waste so much precious time attempting revenge when a good, solid talking-to might make those who crossed you feel sufficiently guilty and there’s little to no nasty clean up.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Since Sag was out trying every other sign’s patience last week, the Universe is bringing the same lesson home to you! Scorpio’s influence in the early part of the week has again provided with the sort of chaotic disruption you love. Double sided tape on the company’s toilet seats or something. Maybe you didn’t do it, but you knew about it but totally forgot about it when you snuck away to finish that last part in Harry Potter. Now, you’re stuck and like a good Sag, will loathe asking anyone for help. Whatever you’ve gotten yourself into, getting out will take awhile. Be patient with extrication or you’ll hurt yourself.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The Leo/Scorpio followed by the Leo/Sag energy is going to drill to the center of Capricorn’s psyche. Preen and brood, preen and get noticed. Not getting noticed enough? Repeat cycle obsessively and freak out as much as possible when desired effect is not achieved. All too comfortable in this alignment are the Goat friends. Capricorn, use this period of insanity to your best advantage. It’s a perfect opportunity for a rebound romp. However, be careful that you’re using said romp with the aim of getting over a certain someone, not making any certain someone desperately jealous. If someone has raging regrets for losing you, they’re most likely not going to blog explicitly about it. Sure, they may be torn up inside, but they’re also getting over you by getting under someone else!
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Hmm…this week’s readings seem to have the same theme of chaotic rebounds all throughout. My suspicion, Aquarius, is that you’re the one mending all the hearts with sweet kisses and spanks. We are all thankful. And probably because you’re the only sign not completely thrown by Venus’s Retrograde, you’ve become even more devastatingly attractive to the rest of the nuts. You’ll be pleasantly surprised to open a connection with someone new and fascinating during your week’s adventures. While the rest of us are watching carefully patched connections shatter, you’re sipping dirty martinis with your new best friend. That rocks and we’re jealous. Do it where we can’t see it, please.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Unfortunately, Pisces will be feeling the brunt of Venus’s vanishing act this week. Pisces likes to play possum when the shit goes down, but that act simply isn’t going to work this week, kiddo. Cranky old cosmic toilet got backed up with crap you should have flushed away a long time ago, and when it started leaking through your symbolic ceiling—you thought about calling the great plumber in the sky, but what’s the point? asks mopey Pisces. What’s the point in trying anything if it all falls apart? Welcome to life, Pisces. Call the plumber.
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I love Courtney!
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