Venus....COME BACK!!!!

Venus is in retrograde? What?!!! The planet of love slowly moving away from our pretty little war-pit? Venus, you vixen. You whore. You harlot of everything we adore (romance, sex, fine chocolate and pretty things with glitter on them)…how can you leave us alone down here with our insecurities and debt issues? This week on AstrologyExplained…

Sorry. Interrupting this horrorscope to plug another Sister Mary appearance.

Pseudoscience: A therapeutic summer art lab
Saturday, August 11, 2007 6-9pm
236 Grand Street
Brooklyn, NY 11211
hqbrooklyn.com
718 418 7182

Join Sister Mary, Eh Team, Cassie Thornton, Egnekn, Minister of Lamination, Meg Duguid, Catie Olson and curator Alison Beth Levy for science-bent interactive art installations and performances whose hypotheses are infused with levity. Egnekn, Minister of Lamination, will be performing metaphysical sound ritual with flat objects brought to him by the public. (Get creative, kids!!!) Canadian HQ founders, the Eh Team, will collaborate with "Against Maps" artist Cassie Thornton to create a sprawling hydraulic installation called The Backyard Purification System (BPS). Mimicking a natural water table the BPS will process and regenerate tap water to support an isolated biosphere. Hot from their recent weekend performance at Central Park, where they tested the humorous properties of meringue, duo Meg Duguid and Catie Olson will perform Piograms, a single pie-component balancing act.

Bring flat objects to be laminated, if you’d like. There will also be a sprinkler for gallivanting about (prime timing for those of us without a.c.) along with munchies, $2 beers and PIE THROWING!!! Come on. When was the last time you threw a good pie?

Thank you for your patience! This week on AstrologyExplained…

Our love planet is moving far, far away from us this week, kittens. Well, that’s actually not true. Venus is following its own cosmic path around the sun just like it has for several million years, but because of where Earth is choo-chooing right now, it looks like Venus is backing away, slowly. And since it is all about appearances in the long run, it’s still going to affect us. Just as it has since the cave days.

Don’t be alarmed. Getting rabid Venus out of the way for a couple of months means we’re less likely to hump someone or something we’d later regret. Maybe it’s the bloody August heat melting the paint right off our faces, but the things we normally find attractive just aren’t going to do it for us. Now is not the time to pursue orgies, explore polyamory or get any boob jobs. Sexually and cosmetically speaking, we’re all going to be a feel a little more dull and drab than usual.

Yes, it’s time for us to Focus On What’s Important To Us. Oh, and here’s the clincher. Moon in Virgo!!! Super-charged over-analyze time. Yup. Expect to find yourself contemplating your role in relationship to the Universe instead of your role in BDSM-D&D. You’ll read and you’ll write.

Enjoy this nerd-ish time, my darlings! No way to avoid it. Don’t worry, Venus is making her glorious return just in time for the Halloween party season which means you’ll be getting your delicious freak on with all kinds of ghosts and ghoulies for the rest of the year.

(Astrologer note: I highly encourage everyone to prove me wrong on what I’ve just written. Please, please PLEASE prove Sister Mary wrong, wrong, WRONG…)

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries has painstakingly spent all kinds of cash on dating sites, on wooing with boxes of fine wine and buying all kinds of home-decor crap for their significant other for the past few months. However, Venus’s departure made that all go away. Suddenly, no lovers are returning their phone calls. Significant others are suffering from week-long headaches. Even booty-call exes are saying they need space. Aries is approaching Shut The World Out mode, which takes a cosmic crowbar to reopen. While you’re blocking us out, take this time to get caught up on that wizard-boy book series before some Gemini blabs out the ending. Or better yet, write a letter to yourself detailing all the ways you’re wonderful and why your suddenly flaky romantic interests don’t quite deserve you. Find some nurturing Cancer to affirm it. We like to do that.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
One Taurus in the Convent of Sensual Salvation requested a horrorscope reading, “Taurus gets a hot date.” First of all, silly Taurus, the Cosmic spectrum is not a restaurant. You’ll read what you’re forecast. Second, your ruling planet is running away from you as fast as it can. So will anyone who recently stabbed your heart with a flaming dart. If you’re involved with someone, expect that they’re suddenly going to go wishy-washy on you. If you’re single and hunting, expect that even in your Taurus finery (you kids sure do clean up well), your normal bar lines will fall flat. Don’t stomp your hooves at me. This Retrograde is going to be good for you. Your departed planet is taking with it love and relationship blocks that have actually been holding you back from a fairy-tale ending. Use these next couple of weeks to get some headway on your schoolwork or job. When Venus returns in October, she’ll likely bring some fresh blood to your romance pool. You might want to have that extra cash lined up for it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Sister Mary came across a lovely Gemini lady who lamented, “Are all Geminis destined to be alone?” The answer from the cauldron read, “For a sexy lady like you? No way!!!” Truthfully, many Geminis waste a lot of spastic energy looking for their missing twin. Even Geminis in healthy romantic couplings often look elsewhere for “The One”—not considering that “The One” might be an illusion. Particularly in this orgy-less time of Venus in Retrograde, Gemini is encouraged to make a list of all the blessings they have, and go burn the list of things they think they should have. Gemini, if it’s not sitting there on your kitchen counter staring at you, it may not exist. Well, if something is staring at you from your kitchen counter, you probably need to throw it out. But don’t go looking for stuff to replace it. That “missing twin” is already in you. You really want to make it a triplet?

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Ugh. Cancers feeling the Venus pull-out is also pulling out the yuckiest of Cancerian insecurities. Are we nice people? Really? You really don’t think we’re giant ass-holes? Nah, you’re just saying that…Fellow Cancers, have you noticed how our friends are changing the subject when we start going into our self-discussing feedback loop? It’s getting old, but they’re too nice to say anything. Sometimes, when Cancers feel low, we make impulsive decisions such as repainting the whole apartment, buying tickets to Ireland, or eloping. Let’s try not to do that, this week especially. Lack of Venus means aesthetic decisions will look crappy come fall. Plane tickets=credit card debt. Eloping with someone we’ve just met is likely to mean divorce, not “A Wedding Story” special. Start by discussing something else—anything­ else—with your friends than “Why I, Cancer, Sucks As A Human Being.” Talk about the weather, go see a movie. Something brainless, with no romance at all. We’re not in a place to handle that, right now.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Ah, Leo was hoping for a good birthday lay and for many of youse, it probably came true! Wait, then Venus took off. Bitch. Many Leos are finding themselves weepy and heartbroken this week. Excuse me, have you read the other readings this week? Don’t you see that romance is pretty much sucky for all of us? Any departures Leo has recently experienced were all part of the Cosmic timing. Leos, with their delightful penchant for staying in the moment might do themselves some good by borrowing from Libra the trait of looking far, far ahead of them. Learn something from Scorpio (don’t tell anyone I said that) and replay the past a few times in your fevered brain. Notice how even the lousiest of times were temporary? Sometimes long-term temporary, but nothing is permanent? You’re still the sexiest beast in the Zodiac. Yes, yes you are and no one is going to take that away from you. Now, come out from under the couch.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Oh, pensive Virgin…lead us in your analytical ways. The Venus departure has confused us all to no end and the moon being with you means you must know something we don’t. Oh, wait. You’re Virgo and probably aren’t even reading this. (Grounded Virgo prefers sciencemag.org) In the event that you are, I have good news for once. Virgos are best equipped to deal with the absence of Venus in the coming weeks. They’ve been stewing their What Is Best For Me thoughts for the past several months, anyway and have a giant light bulb about to go off over their heads. Lead us in your glowing light. Shower us with practical advice and lift us up from our floor of delusions. Come on, Virgo. We’ve been shaking up your buttoned-up world for months now. Show us how it’s done and we’ll rock you hard when the Retrograde passes.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Oy. A Libra devoid of Romance is like a (insert your own vision of a cracked out, spent and stung lady shaving cats on the side of the freeway.). Despite your track record of needing rainbow-colored ponies to pull you along in the carriage of life, Libras will survive Venus in Retrograde surprisingly well. In relationships and courtships, Libra is being uncharacteristically patient. They’re reflecting on all the times they pushed things along too fast and how icky the mess was when it all exploded. Keep with this trend, Libra. In a few weeks you’re going to start to want to up the number of phone calls you receive and start to crave dozens of thorn-less roses left on your pillow. Don’t. Remain focused and you’ll remain balanced. None of us want to fix your scales again this year. You’ve filled your Help Me quota.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Normally, the dark lords and ladies of destruction adore chaos and while the rest of us scramble around trying to put things in order, Scorpios cackles from their towers. We mortals no nothing of the ways of powerful Scorpio…heathen fools we are! Except in matters of the heart. Scorpio doesn’t like their love lives outside of their grasps. But Venus’s vanishing has stuck a big ol’ disruption in the heart realms of Scorpio, and they’re wimpering more than bellowing laughter these days. And while it’s great fun to tell Scorpio that indeed the Universe is conspiring to get them, it’s actually not true this time. Whatever was abruptly torn out of Scorpio’s life is going to help them in the long run. The disruption will provide new clarity and eventually, a romantic situation better suited for you—either a new person or a new change in the dynamic with the person they’re currently possessing. Take heart and turn off the goddamn Radio Head.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Something blew past our favorite fire sign this week. Oh Sag, you had all the signs coming, but you were too busy shaking it up in the pool hall to recognize that something was about to leave your romantic realm. If Venus didn’t take your favorite person, they took your favorite bedroom game. Partner’s not into it anymore and that makes you sad. Whatever left you, Sag, has left you feeling uncommonly cold and all too familiarly confused. This Retrograde will be a quiet time for you, and there really isn’t anything you can do to change it. You won’t even have the energy to practical joke someone to lighten your mood. Do some good porch or fire escape contemplation. This could likely be the only time this year you have the want or ability to be calm. Enjoy it. This fall is going to be WILD for you, again….

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Actually, Capricorn is the only sign this week being encouraged to focus and fix romantic ties! Are you the one that broke all the hearts in the Zodiac this week? Bad Cappy. However, this doesn’t mean that you should try to hook up with anyone during this Retrograde. Doing so is likely to only produce frustration, you’re not exempt from that. But Capricorn has struggled this year in determining what’s best for their fussy tastes in matters of the heart. During this time, make a list of all the ways you could be a better partner. Grit your teeth and also make a list of things you actually don’t need from another person but only think they do. Need ideas? Call Gemini, they’re doing a similar thing. It’s to hot to wear clothes, let alone buy them, so avoid that nasty distraction. Save your cash for Venus’s return, so you can be the sexiest bedazzled-baby at the Halloween parade.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Another sister in the Convent of Sensual Salvation noted that many Aquarians are suddenly into becoming physically healthy! They’re quitting smoking! They’re eating vegan! They’re leaving polluted cities on the East Coast for…polluted cities in the Midwest? “What’s up with that?” our sister asked. If it’s attributed to the Venus in Retrograde (as all things this week are) it’s because you kids are taking the droll period to clean up your livers and systems after a year’s worth of misuse. Stick with your blue berries, your grilled salmon and your beets. The lack of distractions will finally enable you to make your bodies healthy again, and hopefully, your minds and spirits, too. That way, you’ll have lots of antibodies to handle all the toxins you plan to replace in the fall when Venus comes back to play.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Pisces is angry that Venus left. Of course, being a good Pisces, they don’t show it—they mope it. Retrograde does not mean defeat, water-friend. It also does not mean love is an illusion. If love has left Pisces in recent days, they’re wont to assume it will never return and will start closing in the walls on their fish bowl. Not a bad plan, until stewing in their own misery makes this fish bowl a toxic environment. When holing yourself away, you need to cleanse your energies at least every two days. That sounds New-Agey and dumb. What it means is that it’s okay to get all pissy about something crappy that happened, but then you need to let it go. Keep going through the layers of “That sucked,” and respond to it with, “Oh, well. It’s done.” When you get to the last one, call your therapist. You might need some temporary drugs for it.