Talk about your Favorite Sag!!!

My blessed sinners…you only have one week left before the culmination of this year’s consumerist extravaganza arrives at a dramatic end! If you missed Sister Mary’s warehouse (poor wretch…), have no fear! Based on the treasures and travesties of 2007, SMM has created a shopping list for you and all of your favorite fiends!!!

But first…let’s Talk about your favorite Sag…

Message to SMM: are you going to do a thing about the sags or what? i've only been waiting a freaking yr!

Sagittarius is not a naturally patient creature.

If your kid ends up Sagittarius, give them up for adoption. Unless you like the A.D.D. thing.

If you find yourself dating a Sagittarius, save some time and begin pulling handfuls of hair out of your head now.

If you find yourself falling in love with a Sagittarius, the only proper solution is to throw yourself infront of that upcoming A train—or at least go ahead and enroll yourself in therapy.

They are spastic. They are uncontrolled. They are delightful little creatures that are just asking to be smothered in their sleep with their goose down pillows! They probably won't read this—they easily forget to do so. Curious critters who want to know all about you, change the subject before you can finish telling them everything, because there will be some shiny object somewhere much more interesting. They don't give a shit about little shit. They are the best partying people. They are the first ones to tell you to get over it. But you can't get them to stand still long enough to love them the way you want to.

Sagittarius is good to work for and with—so long as they’re interested in the work. Despite Sag’s well-deserved reputation of being flighty, when they’re passionate about something it will take all of their focus and they won’t have as much time to play with you. Sag continues to surprise the people who know them as they seem like playful kittens most of the time…and then they crack down and turn into office-warriors when it’s time to get something done. But then they drop the Nazi act when they take you to the bar at the end of the day.

Actually, the distracted nature is one of Sag’s best qualities. They forget you ever pissed them off, as soon as they’re done being pissed off about it. But don’t expect to stay friends with them after you dump them. If Sag has typed MAJOR DOUCHE next to your name in their cell phone, it’s not ever going back to SORT OF DOUCHE. Save yourself time and don’t make that call.

Sag can be a distant lover. Therapists like to draw “Fears Commitment” on their faces with sharpies if they pass out first. (Right. Like Sag ever passes out first…) They are frisky and kinky and are comfortable with the Poly lifestyle—for awhile. Eventually they crave emotional security, but not until they jump in and out of their partner’s lives for awhile…making them crazy…turning them to drugs…(please see above).

As friends, Sag is loyal and not afraid to tell you when you need to pull your head out of your anus or when you really need to flush old shit away. But they’ll also be your friend till the end, dragging you on planes and buses and runaway SUVs to chase down sailors and help you escape from weird French guys.

With that said, HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY to the Sag’s of the Convent of Sensual Salvation: Anja, Liz, Josi Wails and Yustin!

Welcome to the week of December 17-December 23! It’s beginning to look a lot like Macy’s mechanical holiday village…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
The Rams of Planet Earth spent this year learning how to get along with the rest of us lunatics. If your Aries is happy with you (let’s do hope so…) give them some of your precious roll-over minutes—if that’s available to you—under the advisory that they use them only to satisfy their need to check in with you every five minutes to make sure you’re not fucking up. If your Aries is unhappy with you, avoid leaving automatic weapons in their stocking. In fact, this is a fair warning to all of your Aries friends—happy or unhappy. Eventually, you’ll annoy them again. You probably have already and they haven’t told you yet.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus had a year of getting rid of crusty old habits and picking up new, equally as irritating vices. At least there’s variety there. Most Tauruses had to say goodbye to someone or something they loved dearly. The rest of us thought this person/place or thing was creepy and in need of a job and a hot shower, but we’re adequately feigning sympathy. Drop off a belated Hanukkah present this week that can let Taurus vent when you’re sick of hearing that story. A new journal for the retelling—if they promise never to blog about it again. A special pack of rewritable c.d.s for those old photos that really need to come off the MySpace page. A new Social Security Number, to keep Creepy Situation from ever finding them again.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Sister Mary strongly encourages all those who know and love Gemini to bring over a bag of good strong sedatives—herbal or pharmaceutical, you pick—to remind their favorite twins that this was the year they learned the benefits of slowing down. Keep a secret flask nearby. We all know they’re not going to listen to the messages of the Universe and all drugs act like stimulants on them anyway. The flask will come in handy when they wind up jumping in front of the same subway train. (That’s a symbolic statement, by the way. If you suspect your Gemini does actually want to jump in front of a moving unit of transportation—tie them to a chair and call the White Coats.)

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
We wept all year, didn’t we fellow Crabians? Not that this is different than any other year, granted. This year, we cried because the rest of the Universe didn’t cater to our wants—and our wants are the most important, correct? We cried harder when we realized that because we felt so bad about it. Don’t buy us anything. We feel unworthy. Instead, write us a sappy poem about all the ways we’re awesome. Give us something better to cry about. Our pillows are soggy. If you must purchase, buy us some new pillows.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leos had dual lessons this year—or dueling-lessons, who the hell knows? At least they learned that hiding under the couch is counter productive and kind of disgusting when they come out covered in last year’s cat hair. The first lesson was to stop pushing for something when you know it’s not going to work. The second is to let Mean Old Fate have a turn with your destiny. For this, give your Lion a courage medal like the Wizard did. They’ll appreciate that someone appreciates all the hard work they did on themselves this year. You may even get to cuddle with them!

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgos had a rough time in the second half of 2007. Saturn came in and announced that she’s not leaving for three years. Virgos experienced moves, drastic changes in relationships, job drama—wait. We all did. But Virgo also got the brunt of our drastic changes. While their heads are spinning and they’re trying not to vomit, distract them with a burned disk of the randiest YouTube you can find. The key theme here: THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. Leave it in their computer as a weapon against MyStalking bastards and G-Chat offenders. Let them borrow your headphones so they can use this weapon at work, too.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras don’t like surprises—they like plans. They’ve already told you what they want for Christmas. Now, ordinarily Sister Mary would tell you to simply go get it for them, and save a lot of pouting, but this time, Sister Mary encourages you to go out and get the exact opposite of what they asked for. The Wii? No. The Rubix Cube. Signed first edition of ‘His Dark Materials?’ Uh-uh. A couple of roach-eaten ‘Sweet Valley Highs’ you found in your parents’ garage. This will serve as a helpful reminder that we cannot control what the Universe sends our way. Of course, your Libra won’t speak to you for a few months, but like all good air signs, they’ll get over it.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Just get your Scorpio the nuclear football. They’ve been asking for it for years. Don’t worry. They’re not going to use it. They just want to have it. They know if they blow up the planet, there won’t be anything left to dominate. If you have trouble obtaining this fixture, scented candles are good and a copy of your favorite meditation chants Scorpios got out of balance this year trying to do everything themselves and need to center and go within to face 2008 with flying stingers.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sagittarius spent not only the last year, but the last year and a half on thinking about things in a brand new and often confusing way. This has led to a great deal of moping and whining about. Give your Sag a fresh Cat O’ Nine Tails and promise to use it on them, if they’re still feeling bad about whatever. They’ll get over themselves faster but then they’re going to want to return the favor. Proceed with caution if you like to give more than you like to receive.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
With numerous departures in the lives of our Capricorns, the nicest thing any of us could do would be to set up a new EHarmony profile for them. They’ll politely (sort of) refuse our offer. So, you counter by saying you’ve already done it and plan on screening suitor/ettes for them—just to save them some time. Tell them they’ve had six hundred hits already. (You may need to go create 600 profiles and send them fake messages.) They’ll be so curious they’ll jump all over it and take over from there.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Anything shiny that doesn’t take time to learn how to use (too easily distracted by other shiny things) are your best bets for Aquarius. While Sister Mary would normally encourage you to avoid giving Aquarius more things to distract them…it looks as though they, like their Virgo brethren, could use something to take their mind off hurtful chaos and frustrating departures. Crumple up some tin foil and kick it around the living room. Watch your Aquarius go to battle with your cat. You’ll be entertained, too!

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Our favorite fish struggled through a number of nasty, spiked roadblocks throughout 2007. The Great Bastard in the Sky shat on them right and left, forward and backward. Help get them reset by sending them to the spa. If you can’t afford the spa, set up the kiddie pool with some warm water and a little dried lavender floating on top. Dust off that Enya c.d. and play it softly. Do check their pockets for stones before leaving them alone in the kiddie pool. Not kidding. Some of our Pisces are just that desperate.

Safe travels to all in this glorious time!!! See you next week with a peek at ’08!!!