Sister Mary needs a break and is soaking in a mitzvah of nog at the moment.
Please forgive her lazy indiscretions brought on by holiday celebrations and really good, old movies on the rec room t.v.
Next week....the return of the Horrorscopes with a peek at 2008!
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Talk about your Favorite Sag!!!
My blessed sinners…you only have one week left before the culmination of this year’s consumerist extravaganza arrives at a dramatic end! If you missed Sister Mary’s warehouse (poor wretch…), have no fear! Based on the treasures and travesties of 2007, SMM has created a shopping list for you and all of your favorite fiends!!!
But first…let’s Talk about your favorite Sag…
Message to SMM: are you going to do a thing about the sags or what? i've only been waiting a freaking yr!
Sagittarius is not a naturally patient creature.
If your kid ends up Sagittarius, give them up for adoption. Unless you like the A.D.D. thing.
If you find yourself dating a Sagittarius, save some time and begin pulling handfuls of hair out of your head now.
If you find yourself falling in love with a Sagittarius, the only proper solution is to throw yourself infront of that upcoming A train—or at least go ahead and enroll yourself in therapy.
They are spastic. They are uncontrolled. They are delightful little creatures that are just asking to be smothered in their sleep with their goose down pillows! They probably won't read this—they easily forget to do so. Curious critters who want to know all about you, change the subject before you can finish telling them everything, because there will be some shiny object somewhere much more interesting. They don't give a shit about little shit. They are the best partying people. They are the first ones to tell you to get over it. But you can't get them to stand still long enough to love them the way you want to.
Sagittarius is good to work for and with—so long as they’re interested in the work. Despite Sag’s well-deserved reputation of being flighty, when they’re passionate about something it will take all of their focus and they won’t have as much time to play with you. Sag continues to surprise the people who know them as they seem like playful kittens most of the time…and then they crack down and turn into office-warriors when it’s time to get something done. But then they drop the Nazi act when they take you to the bar at the end of the day.
Actually, the distracted nature is one of Sag’s best qualities. They forget you ever pissed them off, as soon as they’re done being pissed off about it. But don’t expect to stay friends with them after you dump them. If Sag has typed MAJOR DOUCHE next to your name in their cell phone, it’s not ever going back to SORT OF DOUCHE. Save yourself time and don’t make that call.
Sag can be a distant lover. Therapists like to draw “Fears Commitment” on their faces with sharpies if they pass out first. (Right. Like Sag ever passes out first…) They are frisky and kinky and are comfortable with the Poly lifestyle—for awhile. Eventually they crave emotional security, but not until they jump in and out of their partner’s lives for awhile…making them crazy…turning them to drugs…(please see above).
As friends, Sag is loyal and not afraid to tell you when you need to pull your head out of your anus or when you really need to flush old shit away. But they’ll also be your friend till the end, dragging you on planes and buses and runaway SUVs to chase down sailors and help you escape from weird French guys.
With that said, HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY to the Sag’s of the Convent of Sensual Salvation: Anja, Liz, Josi Wails and Yustin!
Welcome to the week of December 17-December 23! It’s beginning to look a lot like Macy’s mechanical holiday village…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
The Rams of Planet Earth spent this year learning how to get along with the rest of us lunatics. If your Aries is happy with you (let’s do hope so…) give them some of your precious roll-over minutes—if that’s available to you—under the advisory that they use them only to satisfy their need to check in with you every five minutes to make sure you’re not fucking up. If your Aries is unhappy with you, avoid leaving automatic weapons in their stocking. In fact, this is a fair warning to all of your Aries friends—happy or unhappy. Eventually, you’ll annoy them again. You probably have already and they haven’t told you yet.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus had a year of getting rid of crusty old habits and picking up new, equally as irritating vices. At least there’s variety there. Most Tauruses had to say goodbye to someone or something they loved dearly. The rest of us thought this person/place or thing was creepy and in need of a job and a hot shower, but we’re adequately feigning sympathy. Drop off a belated Hanukkah present this week that can let Taurus vent when you’re sick of hearing that story. A new journal for the retelling—if they promise never to blog about it again. A special pack of rewritable c.d.s for those old photos that really need to come off the MySpace page. A new Social Security Number, to keep Creepy Situation from ever finding them again.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Sister Mary strongly encourages all those who know and love Gemini to bring over a bag of good strong sedatives—herbal or pharmaceutical, you pick—to remind their favorite twins that this was the year they learned the benefits of slowing down. Keep a secret flask nearby. We all know they’re not going to listen to the messages of the Universe and all drugs act like stimulants on them anyway. The flask will come in handy when they wind up jumping in front of the same subway train. (That’s a symbolic statement, by the way. If you suspect your Gemini does actually want to jump in front of a moving unit of transportation—tie them to a chair and call the White Coats.)
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
We wept all year, didn’t we fellow Crabians? Not that this is different than any other year, granted. This year, we cried because the rest of the Universe didn’t cater to our wants—and our wants are the most important, correct? We cried harder when we realized that because we felt so bad about it. Don’t buy us anything. We feel unworthy. Instead, write us a sappy poem about all the ways we’re awesome. Give us something better to cry about. Our pillows are soggy. If you must purchase, buy us some new pillows.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leos had dual lessons this year—or dueling-lessons, who the hell knows? At least they learned that hiding under the couch is counter productive and kind of disgusting when they come out covered in last year’s cat hair. The first lesson was to stop pushing for something when you know it’s not going to work. The second is to let Mean Old Fate have a turn with your destiny. For this, give your Lion a courage medal like the Wizard did. They’ll appreciate that someone appreciates all the hard work they did on themselves this year. You may even get to cuddle with them!
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgos had a rough time in the second half of 2007. Saturn came in and announced that she’s not leaving for three years. Virgos experienced moves, drastic changes in relationships, job drama—wait. We all did. But Virgo also got the brunt of our drastic changes. While their heads are spinning and they’re trying not to vomit, distract them with a burned disk of the randiest YouTube you can find. The key theme here: THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. Leave it in their computer as a weapon against MyStalking bastards and G-Chat offenders. Let them borrow your headphones so they can use this weapon at work, too.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras don’t like surprises—they like plans. They’ve already told you what they want for Christmas. Now, ordinarily Sister Mary would tell you to simply go get it for them, and save a lot of pouting, but this time, Sister Mary encourages you to go out and get the exact opposite of what they asked for. The Wii? No. The Rubix Cube. Signed first edition of ‘His Dark Materials?’ Uh-uh. A couple of roach-eaten ‘Sweet Valley Highs’ you found in your parents’ garage. This will serve as a helpful reminder that we cannot control what the Universe sends our way. Of course, your Libra won’t speak to you for a few months, but like all good air signs, they’ll get over it.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Just get your Scorpio the nuclear football. They’ve been asking for it for years. Don’t worry. They’re not going to use it. They just want to have it. They know if they blow up the planet, there won’t be anything left to dominate. If you have trouble obtaining this fixture, scented candles are good and a copy of your favorite meditation chants Scorpios got out of balance this year trying to do everything themselves and need to center and go within to face 2008 with flying stingers.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sagittarius spent not only the last year, but the last year and a half on thinking about things in a brand new and often confusing way. This has led to a great deal of moping and whining about. Give your Sag a fresh Cat O’ Nine Tails and promise to use it on them, if they’re still feeling bad about whatever. They’ll get over themselves faster but then they’re going to want to return the favor. Proceed with caution if you like to give more than you like to receive.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
With numerous departures in the lives of our Capricorns, the nicest thing any of us could do would be to set up a new EHarmony profile for them. They’ll politely (sort of) refuse our offer. So, you counter by saying you’ve already done it and plan on screening suitor/ettes for them—just to save them some time. Tell them they’ve had six hundred hits already. (You may need to go create 600 profiles and send them fake messages.) They’ll be so curious they’ll jump all over it and take over from there.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Anything shiny that doesn’t take time to learn how to use (too easily distracted by other shiny things) are your best bets for Aquarius. While Sister Mary would normally encourage you to avoid giving Aquarius more things to distract them…it looks as though they, like their Virgo brethren, could use something to take their mind off hurtful chaos and frustrating departures. Crumple up some tin foil and kick it around the living room. Watch your Aquarius go to battle with your cat. You’ll be entertained, too!
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Our favorite fish struggled through a number of nasty, spiked roadblocks throughout 2007. The Great Bastard in the Sky shat on them right and left, forward and backward. Help get them reset by sending them to the spa. If you can’t afford the spa, set up the kiddie pool with some warm water and a little dried lavender floating on top. Dust off that Enya c.d. and play it softly. Do check their pockets for stones before leaving them alone in the kiddie pool. Not kidding. Some of our Pisces are just that desperate.
Safe travels to all in this glorious time!!! See you next week with a peek at ’08!!!
But first…let’s Talk about your favorite Sag…
Message to SMM: are you going to do a thing about the sags or what? i've only been waiting a freaking yr!
Sagittarius is not a naturally patient creature.
If your kid ends up Sagittarius, give them up for adoption. Unless you like the A.D.D. thing.
If you find yourself dating a Sagittarius, save some time and begin pulling handfuls of hair out of your head now.
If you find yourself falling in love with a Sagittarius, the only proper solution is to throw yourself infront of that upcoming A train—or at least go ahead and enroll yourself in therapy.
They are spastic. They are uncontrolled. They are delightful little creatures that are just asking to be smothered in their sleep with their goose down pillows! They probably won't read this—they easily forget to do so. Curious critters who want to know all about you, change the subject before you can finish telling them everything, because there will be some shiny object somewhere much more interesting. They don't give a shit about little shit. They are the best partying people. They are the first ones to tell you to get over it. But you can't get them to stand still long enough to love them the way you want to.
Sagittarius is good to work for and with—so long as they’re interested in the work. Despite Sag’s well-deserved reputation of being flighty, when they’re passionate about something it will take all of their focus and they won’t have as much time to play with you. Sag continues to surprise the people who know them as they seem like playful kittens most of the time…and then they crack down and turn into office-warriors when it’s time to get something done. But then they drop the Nazi act when they take you to the bar at the end of the day.
Actually, the distracted nature is one of Sag’s best qualities. They forget you ever pissed them off, as soon as they’re done being pissed off about it. But don’t expect to stay friends with them after you dump them. If Sag has typed MAJOR DOUCHE next to your name in their cell phone, it’s not ever going back to SORT OF DOUCHE. Save yourself time and don’t make that call.
Sag can be a distant lover. Therapists like to draw “Fears Commitment” on their faces with sharpies if they pass out first. (Right. Like Sag ever passes out first…) They are frisky and kinky and are comfortable with the Poly lifestyle—for awhile. Eventually they crave emotional security, but not until they jump in and out of their partner’s lives for awhile…making them crazy…turning them to drugs…(please see above).
As friends, Sag is loyal and not afraid to tell you when you need to pull your head out of your anus or when you really need to flush old shit away. But they’ll also be your friend till the end, dragging you on planes and buses and runaway SUVs to chase down sailors and help you escape from weird French guys.
With that said, HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY to the Sag’s of the Convent of Sensual Salvation: Anja, Liz, Josi Wails and Yustin!
Welcome to the week of December 17-December 23! It’s beginning to look a lot like Macy’s mechanical holiday village…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
The Rams of Planet Earth spent this year learning how to get along with the rest of us lunatics. If your Aries is happy with you (let’s do hope so…) give them some of your precious roll-over minutes—if that’s available to you—under the advisory that they use them only to satisfy their need to check in with you every five minutes to make sure you’re not fucking up. If your Aries is unhappy with you, avoid leaving automatic weapons in their stocking. In fact, this is a fair warning to all of your Aries friends—happy or unhappy. Eventually, you’ll annoy them again. You probably have already and they haven’t told you yet.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus had a year of getting rid of crusty old habits and picking up new, equally as irritating vices. At least there’s variety there. Most Tauruses had to say goodbye to someone or something they loved dearly. The rest of us thought this person/place or thing was creepy and in need of a job and a hot shower, but we’re adequately feigning sympathy. Drop off a belated Hanukkah present this week that can let Taurus vent when you’re sick of hearing that story. A new journal for the retelling—if they promise never to blog about it again. A special pack of rewritable c.d.s for those old photos that really need to come off the MySpace page. A new Social Security Number, to keep Creepy Situation from ever finding them again.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Sister Mary strongly encourages all those who know and love Gemini to bring over a bag of good strong sedatives—herbal or pharmaceutical, you pick—to remind their favorite twins that this was the year they learned the benefits of slowing down. Keep a secret flask nearby. We all know they’re not going to listen to the messages of the Universe and all drugs act like stimulants on them anyway. The flask will come in handy when they wind up jumping in front of the same subway train. (That’s a symbolic statement, by the way. If you suspect your Gemini does actually want to jump in front of a moving unit of transportation—tie them to a chair and call the White Coats.)
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
We wept all year, didn’t we fellow Crabians? Not that this is different than any other year, granted. This year, we cried because the rest of the Universe didn’t cater to our wants—and our wants are the most important, correct? We cried harder when we realized that because we felt so bad about it. Don’t buy us anything. We feel unworthy. Instead, write us a sappy poem about all the ways we’re awesome. Give us something better to cry about. Our pillows are soggy. If you must purchase, buy us some new pillows.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leos had dual lessons this year—or dueling-lessons, who the hell knows? At least they learned that hiding under the couch is counter productive and kind of disgusting when they come out covered in last year’s cat hair. The first lesson was to stop pushing for something when you know it’s not going to work. The second is to let Mean Old Fate have a turn with your destiny. For this, give your Lion a courage medal like the Wizard did. They’ll appreciate that someone appreciates all the hard work they did on themselves this year. You may even get to cuddle with them!
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgos had a rough time in the second half of 2007. Saturn came in and announced that she’s not leaving for three years. Virgos experienced moves, drastic changes in relationships, job drama—wait. We all did. But Virgo also got the brunt of our drastic changes. While their heads are spinning and they’re trying not to vomit, distract them with a burned disk of the randiest YouTube you can find. The key theme here: THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. Leave it in their computer as a weapon against MyStalking bastards and G-Chat offenders. Let them borrow your headphones so they can use this weapon at work, too.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras don’t like surprises—they like plans. They’ve already told you what they want for Christmas. Now, ordinarily Sister Mary would tell you to simply go get it for them, and save a lot of pouting, but this time, Sister Mary encourages you to go out and get the exact opposite of what they asked for. The Wii? No. The Rubix Cube. Signed first edition of ‘His Dark Materials?’ Uh-uh. A couple of roach-eaten ‘Sweet Valley Highs’ you found in your parents’ garage. This will serve as a helpful reminder that we cannot control what the Universe sends our way. Of course, your Libra won’t speak to you for a few months, but like all good air signs, they’ll get over it.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Just get your Scorpio the nuclear football. They’ve been asking for it for years. Don’t worry. They’re not going to use it. They just want to have it. They know if they blow up the planet, there won’t be anything left to dominate. If you have trouble obtaining this fixture, scented candles are good and a copy of your favorite meditation chants Scorpios got out of balance this year trying to do everything themselves and need to center and go within to face 2008 with flying stingers.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sagittarius spent not only the last year, but the last year and a half on thinking about things in a brand new and often confusing way. This has led to a great deal of moping and whining about. Give your Sag a fresh Cat O’ Nine Tails and promise to use it on them, if they’re still feeling bad about whatever. They’ll get over themselves faster but then they’re going to want to return the favor. Proceed with caution if you like to give more than you like to receive.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
With numerous departures in the lives of our Capricorns, the nicest thing any of us could do would be to set up a new EHarmony profile for them. They’ll politely (sort of) refuse our offer. So, you counter by saying you’ve already done it and plan on screening suitor/ettes for them—just to save them some time. Tell them they’ve had six hundred hits already. (You may need to go create 600 profiles and send them fake messages.) They’ll be so curious they’ll jump all over it and take over from there.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Anything shiny that doesn’t take time to learn how to use (too easily distracted by other shiny things) are your best bets for Aquarius. While Sister Mary would normally encourage you to avoid giving Aquarius more things to distract them…it looks as though they, like their Virgo brethren, could use something to take their mind off hurtful chaos and frustrating departures. Crumple up some tin foil and kick it around the living room. Watch your Aquarius go to battle with your cat. You’ll be entertained, too!
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Our favorite fish struggled through a number of nasty, spiked roadblocks throughout 2007. The Great Bastard in the Sky shat on them right and left, forward and backward. Help get them reset by sending them to the spa. If you can’t afford the spa, set up the kiddie pool with some warm water and a little dried lavender floating on top. Dust off that Enya c.d. and play it softly. Do check their pockets for stones before leaving them alone in the kiddie pool. Not kidding. Some of our Pisces are just that desperate.
Safe travels to all in this glorious time!!! See you next week with a peek at ’08!!!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
More for your Mantra...Show next weekend and More from the Sister Mary Warehouse!!!
Ah, good sinners! Many thanks for your patience. Sister Mary had BUKOS of penance this week—in addition to preparing sandwiches and bottles of beer for the poor and the sober! This week, the twelve signs will each be getting a special mantra to guide them through the next week. Full reports and the Sagittarius description will be back next week!
Lest we not forget, however, the delightful excitement to come!
What: The Ass-tro Hour with Sister Mary Manhattan
When: Sat 12.15 @ 9PM
Where: Stain Bar (766 Grand Street, Brooklyn. Take the L to Grand—walk one block west)
How Much: $FREE
http://www.stainbar.com/
This month features special guests Yenta Claws (Jennifer Glick of the Inga Studtmeier Show and the Lower East Side Match Game ), and burlesque diva Harley Dear (Five time winner Miss Galapagazanga, Spice Variety Show). Tell Yenta Claws if you were naughty or nice this year…the naughtiest guy or girl wins fabulously naughty prizes!!!
And don’t forget!!!! It’s the last week to order a special Sister Mary chart…just in time for that office gift exchange you know you’re dreading so!!!
The Full Chart:
Sister Mary Manhattan breaks down the sun/moon/rising and 12 houses to explain why you (or your favorite brat) is such a crazy bitch or bastard!
$40 (or two for $65)
The Cheap Bastard’s Chart:
For the weak of wallet: Sister Mary Manhattan will break down the sun/moon/rising sign...and leave you wanting more, of course. But it’s a start!
$15 (two for $25, but then you really are being cheap.)
The Douchebag Chart:
For the person you’d rather leave off your list all together, but your mom says you have to get them something. Based on carefully calculated zodiac alignment, Sister Mary will explain why this person is so douche-ish—in a funny, informative way that may help them stop being that way.
$10 (two for $15. If you have more than two douchebags in your life, the problem may not be them…)
The Severe Douchebag Chart:
For the person who ONLY deserves coal…explain to Sister Mary exactly what this Severe Douche did to earn the title, and Sister Mary will personally deliver the coal herself.
$FREE. (You provide the coal.)
Contact Sister Mary at sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com if you would like to purchase.
Welcome to the week of December 10-December 16! Just keep breathing, just keep breathing…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Disruption takes many forms, and few of them are pretty. Focus on laughing at these interruptions and you are less likely to punch in a wall. Broken knuckles=difficulty opening your Hanukah presents.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Enjoy your joy and try to share. If you have not found your joy, look for it in those you love. Look not for it at the bottom of your eggnog at the office holiday party.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
SHUT UP. And don’t drink too much.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Be patient—patience is an effective tool against migraines. Rome was not built in a day, nor torn down in a week. Think about Rome. The weather is nicer, too.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Stiffen that lip and take three deep breaths. Get out of that bed. Moving around will make it harder for Bad Shit to find you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Give freely and receive without condition. Your open heart is what your therapist lives for.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Slow down and stop to smell the plastic roses. Open your mind and nostrils and you’ll enjoy many new illusions—some may not be illusions after all.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Turn around and go the other way. Now, keep going. When you end up where you started, you’ve gone far enough. You’ll learn a lot too on that little jaunt around the world.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Watch your money. Don’t spend it all on coke.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Be happy. You’re the hottest kid at the party. If people don’t say it, it’s because they’re jealous. Enjoy being envied.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Nothing lost, nothing gained. Where are you, anyway?
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Listen to the careful words of the winos on the street. A message is coming and its sound is discreet. (Cool!!! Sister Mary made a rhyme!!!) Don’t ignore it this time, or you’ll be very, very sorry.
Lest we not forget, however, the delightful excitement to come!
What: The Ass-tro Hour with Sister Mary Manhattan
When: Sat 12.15 @ 9PM
Where: Stain Bar (766 Grand Street, Brooklyn. Take the L to Grand—walk one block west)
How Much: $FREE
http://www.stainbar.com/
This month features special guests Yenta Claws (Jennifer Glick of the Inga Studtmeier Show and the Lower East Side Match Game ), and burlesque diva Harley Dear (Five time winner Miss Galapagazanga, Spice Variety Show). Tell Yenta Claws if you were naughty or nice this year…the naughtiest guy or girl wins fabulously naughty prizes!!!
And don’t forget!!!! It’s the last week to order a special Sister Mary chart…just in time for that office gift exchange you know you’re dreading so!!!
The Full Chart:
Sister Mary Manhattan breaks down the sun/moon/rising and 12 houses to explain why you (or your favorite brat) is such a crazy bitch or bastard!
$40 (or two for $65)
The Cheap Bastard’s Chart:
For the weak of wallet: Sister Mary Manhattan will break down the sun/moon/rising sign...and leave you wanting more, of course. But it’s a start!
$15 (two for $25, but then you really are being cheap.)
The Douchebag Chart:
For the person you’d rather leave off your list all together, but your mom says you have to get them something. Based on carefully calculated zodiac alignment, Sister Mary will explain why this person is so douche-ish—in a funny, informative way that may help them stop being that way.
$10 (two for $15. If you have more than two douchebags in your life, the problem may not be them…)
The Severe Douchebag Chart:
For the person who ONLY deserves coal…explain to Sister Mary exactly what this Severe Douche did to earn the title, and Sister Mary will personally deliver the coal herself.
$FREE. (You provide the coal.)
Contact Sister Mary at sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com if you would like to purchase.
Welcome to the week of December 10-December 16! Just keep breathing, just keep breathing…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Disruption takes many forms, and few of them are pretty. Focus on laughing at these interruptions and you are less likely to punch in a wall. Broken knuckles=difficulty opening your Hanukah presents.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Enjoy your joy and try to share. If you have not found your joy, look for it in those you love. Look not for it at the bottom of your eggnog at the office holiday party.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
SHUT UP. And don’t drink too much.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Be patient—patience is an effective tool against migraines. Rome was not built in a day, nor torn down in a week. Think about Rome. The weather is nicer, too.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Stiffen that lip and take three deep breaths. Get out of that bed. Moving around will make it harder for Bad Shit to find you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Give freely and receive without condition. Your open heart is what your therapist lives for.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Slow down and stop to smell the plastic roses. Open your mind and nostrils and you’ll enjoy many new illusions—some may not be illusions after all.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Turn around and go the other way. Now, keep going. When you end up where you started, you’ve gone far enough. You’ll learn a lot too on that little jaunt around the world.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Watch your money. Don’t spend it all on coke.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Be happy. You’re the hottest kid at the party. If people don’t say it, it’s because they’re jealous. Enjoy being envied.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Nothing lost, nothing gained. Where are you, anyway?
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Listen to the careful words of the winos on the street. A message is coming and its sound is discreet. (Cool!!! Sister Mary made a rhyme!!!) Don’t ignore it this time, or you’ll be very, very sorry.
Monday, December 10, 2007
In the confessional....
It's going to be awhile.
Horrorscopes will be up this evening.
Enjoy your day!!!
xoxo
SMM
Horrorscopes will be up this evening.
Enjoy your day!!!
xoxo
SMM
Monday, December 3, 2007
Chattering monkeys and balanced equations
Good morning, Fair Sinners! Let us pray that you have settled your debts and indiscretions with your Sagittarius and Libra comrades, for they are running the entire chart this week: Sag covering the Sun and Mercury: Planet of Communication while Libra has taken hold of the Moon and Venus: Planet of Luv. Miraculously, this week should be full of sacred laughter and blessed debauchery—thank you to Sag—while Libra’s influence will keep Sag’s fanaticism at bay as well as provide some much needed procrastination to distract you from the stress of Holiday Capitalism.
But speaking of Holiday Capitalism…since you’re here…
Don’t forget to shop for your favorite alignment at Sister Mary’s Holiday Warehouse!!!!
The Full Chart:
Sister Mary Manhattan breaks down the sun/moon/rising and 12 houses to explain why you (or your favorite brat) is such a crazy bitch or bastard!
$40 (or two for $65)
The Cheap Bastard’s Chart:
For the weak of wallet: Sister Mary Manhattan will break down the sun/moon/rising sign...and leave you wanting more, of course. But it’s a start!
$15 (two for $25, but then you really are being cheap.)
The Douchebag Chart:
For the person you’d rather leave off your list all together, but your mom says you have to get them something. Based on carefully calculated zodiac alignment, Sister Mary will explain why this person is so douche-ish—in a funny, informative way that may help them stop being that way.
$10 (two for $15. If you have more than two douchebags in your life, the problem may not be them…)
The Severe Douchebag Chart:
For the person who ONLY deserves coal…explain to Sister Mary exactly what this Severe Douche did to earn the title, and Sister Mary will personally deliver the coal herself.
$FREE. (You provide the coal.)
Contact Sister Mary at sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com if you would like to purchase.
Welcome to the week of December 2-December 8! Just when you thought it couldn’t get any weirder…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Since the communication planet is still hanging out in Sag, chances are someone said something downright douche-ish (but well-meaning!) and you, Aries, are severely irritated that you missed the chance to backhand them. Aries, Sister Mary assures you that the opportunity to smack them will not return. Besides, Mercury in Sag also means that people are going to forget the crazy things they’ve said within three minutes, anyway! Punching out the co-worker, friend or feeble old uncle is only going to make you look like an ass and probably get you arrested. Focus this week on pretending your annoyances never happened and you’ll live a much more fulfilling existence.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus’s week is actually going to start out strong—but Taurus isn’t going to see it like that. They’re going to see the departure of the soul-sucking lover as proof of their inadequacy, while not-so-secretly, all their friend are glad you won’t be bringing around Should-Have-Showered-First Guy (or Girl) ever again. Taurus, whether you did have a stinky lover, or you got fired or your cat ran away with the flea circus, this departure is The Great Bastard In The Sky’s way of telling you that you CAN do better. Now, while you’re whimpering into your eggnog over in the corner, keep in mind you’re ignoring lots of hot people at the party. Blot up the mascara runs and munch a breath mint. You look fabulous, by the way...even with the runs.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Nothing to report for Gemini this week. It’s all thoroughly boring. Wait. This just in from the cauldron…Gemini is being pursued by cops or something. Or else their partner is chasing them around with an electric rolling pin. You were supposed to get something done last week and you got distracted. Now, that thing is chasing after you and plans to stick around like hangover nausea. While you’re looking for an excuse, you’re only going to come up with the answer, “Um…I suck?” You know you’ve made this mistake before and you don’t have many ways of evading it this time—save jumping out the window, but that’s messy and you’re not really keen on broken skulls, anyway. Admitting to a fuck-up is the sign of the wise person. Work on being wise this week.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Wake UP!!! Colder weather and warmer blankets are keeping we nesters out of accomplishing anything this week, except making heating up a can of Organic Tomato Soup, served with a slice of smoked gouda…damn. It’s good to be a food-loving Cancer when it’s cold. Now, we had some kind of creative or emotional breakthrough at the end of last week, but we’re too lazy this week to do anything about it. Scary considering the Dude in the Whitehouse is a Cancer who was supposed to be doing something about a peace accord last week…why does Mars have to retrograde through our sign during times of war and holiday shopping? While hibernating for three days straight feels good on our icy toes, it doesn’t do much for the rest of the world and we’ll start getting depressed about it, which will keep us on the couch for another week or so.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Your fellow fire sign having control of the communication center of the zodiac is going to work well for you this week, leonine friend. You’re going to get some helpful information, and hopefully a delightful compliment as well. Your ego could use it—again. Whether this is a lead on a job, an elusive Hanukah present or the home address of the bitch or bastard who stole your high school love, you’ll be on the path you’ve wanted to be on for the next five to seven days. This will ultimately end in a new partnership. You’ll get the job you’re after. You’ll nab the gift for Aunt Ruth. You’ll find that vixen and instead of murdering him or her, will see that they actually are the coolest thing since blue-jean pockets and you’ll fall desperately in love. Enjoy this week. It’ll be good for you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Did you rob a bank or something? How in the hell does a sign end up with cash in its pocket when Saturn: Planet of Suck is taking a dump in their sun-sign region? Wait, never mind. Looks as though you did formulate some kind of heist, but it’s about to get busted so your entire reading is back to Suck. Yeah, Virgo. No matter how much you thought about it, there isn’t a short-cut out of your time in Saturn. Looks as though the only way to relieve this frustration is to talk to someone you trust about it. Make sure they’re the listening type, not the Give Annoying Advice type, because the only way to get you out of your current predicament is to wait and not get suicidal.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Since you’ve still got Venus in your corner, you’ll still (big news there) be thinking about matters of your flighty little heart. But the moon being in your sign too means you’ll also be thinking about you and how you can better things for others. Lots of introspection and lots of phone calls to trusted psychic advisors—that’s what the cauldron is saying about Libra this week. Just remember that psychic advisors are thoroughly swamped during the Holidays with depressed people, so don’t drain on them too much. You know there are some serious habits you’ll have to break this year, besides those involving nicotine and nose picking. But you’ll have to do most of it on your own. Besides, phone psychics are expensive.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)Despite what the voices in your head keep telling you—you CAN NOT run the planet alone. You have to have advisors and assistants, not just subjects to bring you food and water. Basically, you did too much on your own last week which has created either emotional melt-down, hernia or both. Communication planet in Sag means people seem like they’re mocking you, but that’s your paranoia coming to get you again. Sag people mouth off to everyone and they’re possessing the minds of everyone this week. Try not to kill anyone you may later regret killing.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
So, Sag, this is the week you’ll be able to take over the world, if you can keep your attention on it that long. Domination of even small nations can take as long a year to even get started. Actually, why don’t you focus on controlling a simpler faction? Like yourself? While people are speaking your language in the coming days (Communication Mercury being in your sign), work on healing relationships with people you pissed off over the last few months. Try some loathed brown-nosing to get yourself a raise. Don’t annoy anyone. The last one is a random fact, but should be taken seriously as well.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Well, it’s safe to say that it’s all about you this week, Capricorn. At least in your mind. That’s not such a bad thing, except you’ll be irritated with the rest of the world when they don’t necessarily think the same thing. In their world, it’s all about them. Now, if you’re wondering why after all this time waiting in line to audition for American Idol why you’re still not famous, remember that you’re still in line!!! You haven’t missed any opportunities, yes. They’re coming and probably so many you’ll get dizzy and have a mild-medium panic attack. Some Capricorn, somewhere, is going to hit the big time this week and we all hope it’s going to be you. You. You…
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
The sign of the wizened drunk is to know when to leave the party. Aquarius, you should have embraced that wisdom and called a cab before making out with the burly chick’s date. You weren’t even into this person, anyway, you just like causing trouble. Now, while half the people at the party are bumping you from their MySpace pages in solidarity with burly chick, you may need to make some new friends and not hit on their dates. Some of you may need to consider moving to a different time zone, depending on which burly chick you messed with. In fact, this may be a great idea for all Aquarius this week. Since most of you don’t have the option of moving, consider a fresh disguise.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Yeah, you could have a good week coming your way if you actually get leave your bedroom for a few hours. Good things are in the cauldron for you this week. You’ll have some of those delightful soul-sharing moments with your favorite friends and lovers. But you also may find that you’re being pulled into refereeing a fight between your favorite couple and that’s not a particularly delightful place to be. Be careful which places you get into, because it will take a long time to get out. Pisces, you’ve also been on a course of creative development which you get wishy-washy about. This week, you’ll return to it, even for a brief bit before hiding behind the plastic plants of your mind again. But it’s still a step in a positive direction.
But speaking of Holiday Capitalism…since you’re here…
Don’t forget to shop for your favorite alignment at Sister Mary’s Holiday Warehouse!!!!
The Full Chart:
Sister Mary Manhattan breaks down the sun/moon/rising and 12 houses to explain why you (or your favorite brat) is such a crazy bitch or bastard!
$40 (or two for $65)
The Cheap Bastard’s Chart:
For the weak of wallet: Sister Mary Manhattan will break down the sun/moon/rising sign...and leave you wanting more, of course. But it’s a start!
$15 (two for $25, but then you really are being cheap.)
The Douchebag Chart:
For the person you’d rather leave off your list all together, but your mom says you have to get them something. Based on carefully calculated zodiac alignment, Sister Mary will explain why this person is so douche-ish—in a funny, informative way that may help them stop being that way.
$10 (two for $15. If you have more than two douchebags in your life, the problem may not be them…)
The Severe Douchebag Chart:
For the person who ONLY deserves coal…explain to Sister Mary exactly what this Severe Douche did to earn the title, and Sister Mary will personally deliver the coal herself.
$FREE. (You provide the coal.)
Contact Sister Mary at sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com if you would like to purchase.
Welcome to the week of December 2-December 8! Just when you thought it couldn’t get any weirder…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Since the communication planet is still hanging out in Sag, chances are someone said something downright douche-ish (but well-meaning!) and you, Aries, are severely irritated that you missed the chance to backhand them. Aries, Sister Mary assures you that the opportunity to smack them will not return. Besides, Mercury in Sag also means that people are going to forget the crazy things they’ve said within three minutes, anyway! Punching out the co-worker, friend or feeble old uncle is only going to make you look like an ass and probably get you arrested. Focus this week on pretending your annoyances never happened and you’ll live a much more fulfilling existence.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus’s week is actually going to start out strong—but Taurus isn’t going to see it like that. They’re going to see the departure of the soul-sucking lover as proof of their inadequacy, while not-so-secretly, all their friend are glad you won’t be bringing around Should-Have-Showered-First Guy (or Girl) ever again. Taurus, whether you did have a stinky lover, or you got fired or your cat ran away with the flea circus, this departure is The Great Bastard In The Sky’s way of telling you that you CAN do better. Now, while you’re whimpering into your eggnog over in the corner, keep in mind you’re ignoring lots of hot people at the party. Blot up the mascara runs and munch a breath mint. You look fabulous, by the way...even with the runs.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Nothing to report for Gemini this week. It’s all thoroughly boring. Wait. This just in from the cauldron…Gemini is being pursued by cops or something. Or else their partner is chasing them around with an electric rolling pin. You were supposed to get something done last week and you got distracted. Now, that thing is chasing after you and plans to stick around like hangover nausea. While you’re looking for an excuse, you’re only going to come up with the answer, “Um…I suck?” You know you’ve made this mistake before and you don’t have many ways of evading it this time—save jumping out the window, but that’s messy and you’re not really keen on broken skulls, anyway. Admitting to a fuck-up is the sign of the wise person. Work on being wise this week.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Wake UP!!! Colder weather and warmer blankets are keeping we nesters out of accomplishing anything this week, except making heating up a can of Organic Tomato Soup, served with a slice of smoked gouda…damn. It’s good to be a food-loving Cancer when it’s cold. Now, we had some kind of creative or emotional breakthrough at the end of last week, but we’re too lazy this week to do anything about it. Scary considering the Dude in the Whitehouse is a Cancer who was supposed to be doing something about a peace accord last week…why does Mars have to retrograde through our sign during times of war and holiday shopping? While hibernating for three days straight feels good on our icy toes, it doesn’t do much for the rest of the world and we’ll start getting depressed about it, which will keep us on the couch for another week or so.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Your fellow fire sign having control of the communication center of the zodiac is going to work well for you this week, leonine friend. You’re going to get some helpful information, and hopefully a delightful compliment as well. Your ego could use it—again. Whether this is a lead on a job, an elusive Hanukah present or the home address of the bitch or bastard who stole your high school love, you’ll be on the path you’ve wanted to be on for the next five to seven days. This will ultimately end in a new partnership. You’ll get the job you’re after. You’ll nab the gift for Aunt Ruth. You’ll find that vixen and instead of murdering him or her, will see that they actually are the coolest thing since blue-jean pockets and you’ll fall desperately in love. Enjoy this week. It’ll be good for you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Did you rob a bank or something? How in the hell does a sign end up with cash in its pocket when Saturn: Planet of Suck is taking a dump in their sun-sign region? Wait, never mind. Looks as though you did formulate some kind of heist, but it’s about to get busted so your entire reading is back to Suck. Yeah, Virgo. No matter how much you thought about it, there isn’t a short-cut out of your time in Saturn. Looks as though the only way to relieve this frustration is to talk to someone you trust about it. Make sure they’re the listening type, not the Give Annoying Advice type, because the only way to get you out of your current predicament is to wait and not get suicidal.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Since you’ve still got Venus in your corner, you’ll still (big news there) be thinking about matters of your flighty little heart. But the moon being in your sign too means you’ll also be thinking about you and how you can better things for others. Lots of introspection and lots of phone calls to trusted psychic advisors—that’s what the cauldron is saying about Libra this week. Just remember that psychic advisors are thoroughly swamped during the Holidays with depressed people, so don’t drain on them too much. You know there are some serious habits you’ll have to break this year, besides those involving nicotine and nose picking. But you’ll have to do most of it on your own. Besides, phone psychics are expensive.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)Despite what the voices in your head keep telling you—you CAN NOT run the planet alone. You have to have advisors and assistants, not just subjects to bring you food and water. Basically, you did too much on your own last week which has created either emotional melt-down, hernia or both. Communication planet in Sag means people seem like they’re mocking you, but that’s your paranoia coming to get you again. Sag people mouth off to everyone and they’re possessing the minds of everyone this week. Try not to kill anyone you may later regret killing.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
So, Sag, this is the week you’ll be able to take over the world, if you can keep your attention on it that long. Domination of even small nations can take as long a year to even get started. Actually, why don’t you focus on controlling a simpler faction? Like yourself? While people are speaking your language in the coming days (Communication Mercury being in your sign), work on healing relationships with people you pissed off over the last few months. Try some loathed brown-nosing to get yourself a raise. Don’t annoy anyone. The last one is a random fact, but should be taken seriously as well.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Well, it’s safe to say that it’s all about you this week, Capricorn. At least in your mind. That’s not such a bad thing, except you’ll be irritated with the rest of the world when they don’t necessarily think the same thing. In their world, it’s all about them. Now, if you’re wondering why after all this time waiting in line to audition for American Idol why you’re still not famous, remember that you’re still in line!!! You haven’t missed any opportunities, yes. They’re coming and probably so many you’ll get dizzy and have a mild-medium panic attack. Some Capricorn, somewhere, is going to hit the big time this week and we all hope it’s going to be you. You. You…
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
The sign of the wizened drunk is to know when to leave the party. Aquarius, you should have embraced that wisdom and called a cab before making out with the burly chick’s date. You weren’t even into this person, anyway, you just like causing trouble. Now, while half the people at the party are bumping you from their MySpace pages in solidarity with burly chick, you may need to make some new friends and not hit on their dates. Some of you may need to consider moving to a different time zone, depending on which burly chick you messed with. In fact, this may be a great idea for all Aquarius this week. Since most of you don’t have the option of moving, consider a fresh disguise.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Yeah, you could have a good week coming your way if you actually get leave your bedroom for a few hours. Good things are in the cauldron for you this week. You’ll have some of those delightful soul-sharing moments with your favorite friends and lovers. But you also may find that you’re being pulled into refereeing a fight between your favorite couple and that’s not a particularly delightful place to be. Be careful which places you get into, because it will take a long time to get out. Pisces, you’ve also been on a course of creative development which you get wishy-washy about. This week, you’ll return to it, even for a brief bit before hiding behind the plastic plants of your mind again. But it’s still a step in a positive direction.
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