Chaos, frustration, celibacy...and a PARTY!!!!

Good morning, Blessed Sinners!!!

Mammy Superior has the entire Convent of Sensual Salvation on a strict detoxification diet of Lemon Juice, Cayenne Pepper and Maple Syrup—squeezing our livers back to their pristine states! This week, we’ll find every kid in the zodiac also putting the petal on their New Years resolutions. Now, since we’re in the realm of Capricorn, the second most determined resolution after rehab is making more money (and for most of Gen X and Y…making a nick in vampiric debt.)

Now, this week marks the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF ASTROLOGY EXPLAINED!!!

That’s right! 52-ish weeks of everything you never wanted to know…all about you! And for this, the Convent of Sensual Salvation will be throwing a birthday bash at Stain Bar on Sunday, January 13th and you all need to show up.

Sunday, January 13
6:00-9:00 p.m.
Stain Bar
766 Grand Street, Brooklyn, NY
(L to Grand, walk 1 block West)
718-387-7840
$FREE!!!

Performances by:
Michele Carlo (It Came From New York; The Liar; The MOTH)
Lilith Dorsey (Anthropologist; dancer; Voodoo Priestess; author of Voodoo and Afro-Caribbean Paganism)
***Lilith will be available for tarot consultation***
Satan (Lord of Darkness)
Music by Vanessa Boyd and the Yes Men
The Sisters of Sensual Salvation
Food!
Magickal Raffle!
ASS-trology foretold!!!The World Famous Magic Microphone!!!And more!!!!

This will be Sister Mary’s last Ass-tro Hour for awhile…she’s taking a break to catch up on her penance. But AstrologyExplained won’t be going anywhere…so you can continue to check in here for your horrorscope needs…

Welcome to the week of January 6-January 12! Just when you thought it was safe to remove the slumber mask…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
With most of the celestial bodies colliding with Capricorn this week, you’re more likely to experience some much needed calm-time. In fact, the cauldron indicates that you’re finally going to get inspired to fix things that have been bugging you—primarily in the organizational sense. Pre-spring removal of the clothes you know still won’t fit even after the holiday cheer melts off your ass, burning print-out emails from your college lover (the one who’s now in a cult? Yeah. Let it go.), deleting incriminating photos from the MySpace page. This is a good week to get your life de-cluttered. Of course, you’re Aries and are probably a compulsive cleaner anyway, but take this week to reorganize what’s already in place. It’ll be fun.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Now, since Capricorn has all the planets this week, Taurus will find that most things aren’t going their way, which will annoy them, but they’ll also find that the current going the way of Capricorn won’t be so bad—it might even make you some money. It’s a good time to let go of people still asking to borrow cash and never repaying you. Might also be a good idea to take a long look at your life-insurance beneficiary? (Do you ever wake to find this person holding a pillow over your face? Or brandishing a knife under your stoop? Might want to consider changing a certain name on your policy…) It’s a good week to rev up your New Year’s resolutions. It looks as though you are going to be voted Most Likely to Not Say “Fuck It” to those self-promises the rest of us will have forgotten by Thursday.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Mars is taking a visit to your sector this week, Gemini, and plans to stink up your bathroom for a few after that. If you’ve recently felt more bored than usual, or irritated at that guy/girl in the bed, don’t start throwing gin bottles at the wall. Yet. This is your motivation to get shite done talking, which means it’s probably time to make changes in where you work, where you live, and/or who you sleep with. If you can afford it, take a spa to sit in a steam bath away from everyone. If that’s too pricey, lock the bathroom door, plant yourself on the toilet and run the shower hot for awhile. Visualize the steam opening up your pores and letting it ooze the irritations, frustrations and dead-beats from your vicinity. When you’re done, go out and put all their stuff on the curb before they wake up. Then, get back on the eHarmony and get someone else in that bed before you get so bored you call them up again.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Now with feverish Mars bugging the Gemini next door, we can go back to being lazy little caterpillars and not feel guilty that we should have turned into butterflies like, six months ago. It’s cold. The couch is warm and some of us finally got NetFlix for Kwanzaa!!! And while many Cancerians are still weepy over the events of big, nasty 2007, most of us will do better to continue hiding in our warm little apartment-shells until we get bored enough to go out and stir up new drama. This new drama will take many months to fully cultivate, and it’s promising to be even MORE blog-worthy than last year’s debacle, so as soon as you feel even the least bit motivated to quit feeling sorry for your Crabby self, get your flabby ass off that couch and go out and play.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leo, you too will be experiencing an unnerving week of calm. At least, until Wednesday or so. Yeah, through Wednesday you’ll be busy making plans to complete your own resolutions. Being Leo, it’s likely something to re-affirm your status as the Sexiest Kitten in the Universe—your hair, your weight, your waxings—but these plans will come grinding to a halt Wednesday afternoon or Thursday morning when some unforeseen annoyance spelled C-A-T-A-S-T-R-O-P-H-E will rear it’s greasy head. Don’t worry. Nothing terrible will result. But you’re Leo and will take a broken platform strap as indication of your failure as a sex-pot human being and you’ll be convinced you’ll never get laid again. If you really think this is true—just call Sister Mary. She’ll prove you wrong.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The arrival of Catastrophic Saturn in the Virgo home stretch has prompted many a skeptical Virgin to come running to Sister Mary for ass-trological wizdumb. She can honestly say that no nun anywhere can move Saturn’s fierce rays of Suck, and even if she could, she’d charge way more than you could afford. Now, Virgo, you’re probably already finding that your week started in a funk. Stop reminiscing about the days when Mom paid for everything. It’s never going to happen again. Stop whining about nothing going your way. Nothing will go your way until July 21, 2010, so just learn to laugh at the crap. Start saving pennies in the coffee can in your freezer to take a nice long cruise when this turmoil is done. More likely, you’ll need them before that for a Saturn Suck Day, so it’s good to plan now.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libra, you too are starting out this week with all kinds of plans to complete your New Year’s resolutions by Thursday. However, it looks like you’ll be hanging out with Leo with the caca hits the fan and will need to put your plans for the Life-Sized Barbie Dream House on hold until February. Take deep breaths and avoid letting the freak-outs give you panic attacks. If you take medication, you might want to nicely ask your doctor for a teensy bit more this week. By the week’s end, you’ll realize that you won’t be able to do anything about the chronic disruption and will simply go watch Lost episodes until you forget about existing on this plane at all. Sister Mary will be back next week with some motivational tools.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpio will start out this week in the fantastical delusion that they do indeed own several small island nations and are worshipped by naked gorgeous people. Scorpio is going to disown anyone who tries to tell them otherwise. Scorpio, maybe you’re the one exception. Maybe you do own an island where the locals leave you offerings of fruit, rum and virgins on your doorstep. But just in case you’re the one exception, let it go. Pick up a few more hours on the job this week, because you’re likely to make more money that way. Then you can waste it on new technology to drown out your inferiors.
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Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
With Jupiter finally out of your hair, you can relax your brain a little. No more giant thoughts making your daily life feel inadequate. Now, while you may be suffering from a philosophical hangover, this could lead to a touch of depression in the early part of the week. Probably induced by some petty bullshit you just don’t want to deal with…Don’t these morons know there are starving and dying people all over the Congo??? You may feel that irritable need to leave this life and go start another one far, far away…but you’ll probably end up watching television and tuning out the whiners around you. By week’s end, you’ll come back to save the day and be glad you stuck around with the morons you know—and do love. J

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
These next few weeks are going to feel like you’re being slapped at every turn—for good and for shitty. That’s because you have the Sun (daily grind), the Moon (private thoughts), Mercury (blah-blah-chatter), AND Jupiter (ideas of the grander scheme) all in Capricorn this week—which means you’ll be reevaluating what it is you do with your free time, the kind of person you want to be and how well you play with others at the café. Unfortunately, the start of this week is fraught with financial woes, followed by the regurgitation of some personal issue you thought you finally whipped, followed by some other moment of random chaos which will make you want to go back to rehab just for the time in the hot-tub. Hang in there Capricorn. It will get better as the week goes on and you’ll be stronger for it. Just think of all the cool stuff you can finally put in that memoir.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Yeah, most of us are still having trouble getting you to return our phone calls—since Neptune started hanging around, you’re not really with us. Are you even reading this? The first part of this week, you’ll be mistaking yourself for some mythical creature flying gracefully out of the clutches of the mad, evil giant. This means, you may just have to dump the loser this week. Which is good! They’ll finally pay you the money you’ve needed for awhile. Of course, it may bring on bouts of depression when you realize you’re not getting nearly as much sex as you were before…but that’ll change. You’ll re-embrace Buddhism, having already forgotten that you were into that last year and it didn’t work out like you thought. What is mind, really? (Never mind.)

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
The start of 2008 should mark something else Pisces will love—just over the half-way mark of their time in Uranus! Nasty planet of swift change has haunted you since 2003, but you’ll be through with it by ’10. Promise. So, whenever you start to cry because there’s just too much going on for your temperate mind to handle, try to be the glorious fish that you are and go with the friggin’ flow. You’ll find strength and wholeness…until mid-week with the shit comes crashing down again. Sorry. It’s happening all over the zodiac this week, if you noticed. Avoid Capricorn—they’re going through thorough insanity. Aries might be your best hang-out person this week, if you need companionship. (Who doesn’t?)

See you on Sunday, 1/13!!!!