Earth, Air, Water...there's got to be something missing.

Sun in Aquarius: We can’t focus on anything, but we’re having a great time.

Moon in Libra: We still can’t focus on anything, and we definitely can’t make up our mind about any of it.

Mercury in Aquarius: We have lots of big ideas this week, but the conversation continues to sway.

Venus in Capricorn: Buy us something pretty.

Sister Mary thanks you for being so patient while she disappeared into the Confessional!!! It’s kind of like doing the dishes when they’ve sat in the sink a few weeks longer than usual. Takes awhile to get rid of the really nasty stuff. She’s back now, with bukos of delicious anticipations!!!

Welcome to the week of Jan 27-February 2nd! It’s still so cold, but the stars are so warm…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
The stars this week are littered with water signs, a few stubborn earth pieces and lots and lots of air. A fire sign like you is pretty sure to be irritated on a daily basis as the majority of people around you are going to be distracted and more chatty than usual. Take it in stride—or move back to Mars. Striding is cheaper since the current administration has a landlock on your home planet’s terrain. Sister Mary’s only advice to you is to breathe deep and unlock the jaw. You’ll need it later for eating or something.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
With your home planet chilling with your favorite Capricorns, you might want to cash in some of your Karma points and listen to your Goat friends bitch about their love lives for awhile. If you don’t have any friends, this would be a good week to make some. Sister Mary is kidding, Taurus. You’re one of the most popular signs on the chart (and most sensitive, requiring this kind of reassurance). If you’re dating someone right now, it’s a good week to work on the boring kinks required of putting up with another human being. If you’re not dating anyone, you may have more luck than you think finding someone rich (although not necessarily drop-dead-sexy). Keep your eye on your SugarDaddy.com profile.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Yeah, you still have Mars direct in your house this week. You’re going to continue to get a lot of work done, but Sister Mary hates to inform you that the chaos gremlins are going to pick you to screw with this week. That comes with the Mars influence. Watch your temper in the coming days because no matter how much people may be annoying you at the moment, you’re going to need their assistance in matters of the health, home and heart. Don’t get caught having to finish a project alone. You’re Gemini and we all know how much you dislike autonomy.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
With our special planet hanging out with our Libra friends…oh, wow! Big surprise. Cancer is going to be all locked up in the head about relationships!!! Gee, anyone ever hear of a Cancer obsessing about matters of the heart? Huh. (Yeah…) Fellow Crab Cakes: whether these relationships are of the romantic, platonic or imaginary nature, be advised not to let it consume you to the point of curling up under the covers with a box of aloe-Kleenex and a flask of gin. This is also a good time to consult Libra friends, as they’re going to be the few that understand us in the coming days.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
If the independent and detached Aquarius energy has you insecure and unbalanced, you need to get over it. Breathe deep and accept the fact that you simply aren’t going to get all the attention you crave in the coming days. This is usually a tough time of year for you. First of all, it’s bloody cold. Second, the focus of the zodiac is directly opposite everything you know to be true and holy. It happens to all of us, once a year when our polar opposite takes control. This is a good period, actually, as we’ll all get tired of the detached Aquarian way and crave your warm, fuzzy nature.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You’re still in Saturn. It’s gonna suck. What more do you want?

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Break out the incense, the journal, and the Tori Amos remixes. It’s your week for personal reflection. Libras across the Universe will find themselves curled up in their apartments even more than usual this week. Be sure to make it for the self-improvement, not the self pity-party. Your home planet being in Capricorn may make you all paranoid about the state of your relationships appearance, so be careful not to annoy your mate with talk about why they won’t squeeze your ass in public like they used to.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
That fake planet of yours, Pluto, is hanging out in Capricorn this week, which is a bizarre combination for a sign like you. Capricorns aren’t quite the opposite of Scorpio, but they feel like drastically opposing forces the majority of the time. Suddenly, you’ll be plagued by thoughts on interior decorating and fire-escape gardening. You won’t be able to handle your own skin, knowing there’s a chance your cube mate is wearing white socks. Drink heavily for the next few days, Scorpio. There is little other hope for you.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Liberating to have Venus move on and bother someone else, right? Your week is going to provide much needed calm. You may get around to folding the laundry decorating your bedroom floor for the past two weeks. Now, with your home planet in Capricorn, you might need to kiss the ass of any Goats you managed to irk while you were going through the “Me Think Biggie Thoughts” period a few months ago. They need more attention and they’ll expect it from you in particular. Trim the thorns and have the roses handy.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
It seems as though the birthday fairy brought you every new responsibility you managed to avoid in ’07? Welcome to a new year, a new you, a whole set of new issues to talk about with your shrink. Your love life, your interpersonal journey, your thoughts on God, Project Runway—it’s all going to feel like steel hammers on your skull. The good news is that Venus will be running along shortly, and the confusion you currently feel about the heart, short-lived. The feelings on your own journey, God and reality TV—those are life-long things you’ll have to work on. Just know they only feel more apparent because you got a few extra planets on your plate this week.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
This is probably the best birthday present anyone could give you. Everything going lightly and flippantly and no one is expecting you to give solid answers on anything because they themselves are incapable of asking solid questions. Strangely, though, you may find people are looking to you for leadership, which is something you don’t shun, but don’t know what to do with, either. That’s the Mercury visit. Everyone is speaking Aquarius, so what do we do? Ask an Aquarius to interpret. We’ll be over it and will leave you alone, shortly.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Having Uranus in Pisces is crazy for all of us. The world-wide changes coming as we slip out of your age (2,000 years of Piscean rule) to the Age of Aquarius (not just a crappy song anymore!) will hit you in the head first before the rest of us feel it. Most Pisces throughout the world are experiencing tumultuous endings and upheavals that leave them with ulcers, migraines and substance habits. Take your tummy meds, wrap a cloth over your aching eyes, share your habits. We’re all going to eventually feel as you do. Just know you’re lucky enough to get it first and have it over with.