This week!!!!!

Oh, the masses are back and Sister Mary couldn’t be more pleased to see you! We hope you don’t mind that the Monday forecast has been switched to Wednesdays. This is to honor the oft-forgotten Hump Day, and also to give Sister Mary a bit more flexibility to attend Sunday evening Pilates classes, following the Mass. Her loins grow stronger by the day!

Now, you must have noticed that all things electronic and communicative wise are quickly going to shit. This is because Mercury has begun her oh-so-ungraceful waltz backwards through the Cosmos, through what is known as a Retrograde (or for clarity’s sake…Sucktrograde.). Be very, very careful over the coming weeks not to assume anything will get anywhere on its own. Emails will be lost, calls dropped, IPods mysteriously comatose. Never fear! It shall abate by Halloween. Meanwhile, read on to see what the mysterious Universe has in store for you!!!

Welcome to the week of September 24-30!!!

Aries (March 21-April 20)
Follow this advice: take the Holy lunch bag, crunch up at the top, bring to mouth. Inhale and exhale from bag, dramatically. Preferably at a family function or in 8:00 a.m. mandatory staff meeting. Not only will this get you the attention you’ve been sorely craving for the past three days, but it will alleviate the desire to throw chairs. Your already sordid relationships are strained to their maximum, and people are getting a teensy bit tired of you giving all the orders. Never mind that you are indeed better at things than most people. They need the Universal reminder by letting shit fall to pieces by not listening to you. Next week, people will be more inclined to do what you say. Now, just breathe into the bag. Very good.

Taurus (April 21-May 20)
Taurus doesn’t like change. In fact, Taurus thinks everything was just fine. Even if something wasn’t perfect, it should have changed on Taurus’s terms. Now that chaotic Pluto is doing some kind of shift up there, Taurus is mad. Pluto did not consult the Bulls, first. Now, here’s the good news. The roommate up and left (even if Taurus was not fond of the roommate—the roommate did make good coffee). This means Taurus has full use of the bedroom, now. No longer will they be kept awake by awkward noises from the other side of the room. Money will be tight without the extra rent check, but Taurus can now build a meditation area to soothe the worries from the new void. Taurus will grow to like it and probably develop a rash when the new person arrives. Maybe you ought to consider deleting the Craig’s List posting—until after Halloween, anyway.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The pull of shifting Pluto is making you reach for your scalp to pull out what’s left of your luscious locks. You weren’t ready for the summer play-time to end. Families and significant others needneedNEED YOU. Responsibility just doesn’t rhyme with fun. In fact, it doesn’t rhyme with anything. Oh, Gemini. You may actually have to roll up your sexy, gauzy sleeves and get in the muck of it for the next few weeks. If you’re in a relationship, expect that the feeling of smothered to return, briefly. Make sure it doesn’t involve strangulation. If it does involve being strangled, knee the person in the crotch and get the fuck out. If it does not involve the strangle, just politely ask for space. Of course your partner will get nervous, but they’ll try harder to please you in bed when they come back around. It all works out in the long run.

Cancer (June 21-July 20)
Cancers spent all summer cooking at the BBQs for everyone they know. Now, they’re paying for it in gym memberships and overdoses of Vitamin C. Cancers, everywhere—now is time to stop the frivolous spending of the summer and put away the ice cream. Okay, never mind the ice cream. But maybe try making your pizza instead of ordering it. We Cancerians need to take care of ourselves as most of us are probably hosting the whole fam again over the holidays. If we’re not doing the hosting, at the very least we’re making all the runs to the airports, or shelling all the crabs again for the imperials. Don’t be going sneezy into Aunt Flora’s Kwanzaa celebrations….yes, it’s early for Kwanzaa. But we Cancerians incubate awhile and don’t get over things…anythings…with speed or ease.

Leo (July 21-August 20)
You, Leo, need to stop letting the Cancerians wait on you and help Gemini rake the yard. Clean out your gutters, if you haven’t already. Your lazy summer days are over, but most Leos can still be found clinging to their comforters and whining, “Make it go away!!!” But before you do anything hasty just to make it go away, realize that you may cause a boomerang effect. What you toss aside now may likely creep back up onto your stoop at a time you’d least likely to see it return—like when you’re stumbling home from a show at 6 a.m., with a new hottie tucked in your arm. Stop ignoring arguments and make amends with even those you’d rather never see again. Trust Sister Mary, Pluto is going to have the Great Subway Blast effect, and blow everything right back in your face. Make sure it smells like roses!!!

Virgo (August 21-September 20)
Financial crisis? Romantic explosions? Terrifying new prospects in the nation’s leadership? Eh. Virgo shrugs. All run of the mill stuff of the sign squashed by Saturn for the past year. And they’ve still got a year to go, so don’t plan on whining about any of your issues to a Virgo. They will have it worse and won’t be afraid to (bluntly) tell you so. Yeah, Virgo, it’s another week of bad money, miscommunication and traffic jams in Virginland. Good luck to all you, keep your sacred flask handy. No nun will judge you for it. This just in from the cauldron…oops! More disruption. Oh, Virgo. Whatever form your crappy weekend takes, jumping from a bridge is the a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Saturn will eventually leave and start crapping on your Libra friends. Loosen the noose, you’re making us all nervous.

Libra (September 21-October 20)
Venus made a graceful bow in your sign last week, giving lots of love to one of her favorite kids (she likes you just as much as she likes Taurus), but her moving on left you with lots of deep insecurities. Again. Frankly, this is going to be the case for Libras over the next few months as Venus begins a new, two year journey. Relationships will mix and match and even swing, which is something Libra will not be into. Libra, the good news is that even through this change and these murky moments, Venus is giving you the opportunity to grow into an even better set of scales than before, even more accurate and flattering—at the same time! You’ll be much prettier than your Taurus friends when all is said and done.

Scorpio (October 21-November 20)
Comb the hair and done the lipstick, you’ve got to seduce everyone from the boss to the bodega owner. With Pluto making its move, it’s a good time to get you out of your cave and get you running to make yourself big and powerful. Seduce, seduce, seduce…that is your starting point. All other greatness comes from that. This is a great week to get your money in order, so you can buy your Cancerian friends and lovers more expensive gifts than the IOU’s you scribbled on cocktail napkins last year at Solstice. Just kidding. We’re not that bent out of shape about it.

Sagittarius (November 21-December 20)
Two words for you: QUIT and MOPING. Put them together and you’ll start to smile. Well, not really, but it’ll put you in a healthier frame of mind and maybe your girlfriend/boyfriend(s) will stop the broken record recording of ‘Honeywhat’swrong?Honeywhat’swrong?Honeywhat’swrong?’ These last couple of years have been taxing on Sagittarius—forcing them to think about the meaning of their lives and their place in the world. Thank goddess that’s almost over, so they can resume their comfortable, brainless position at the Wii.

Capricorn (December 21-January 20)
You can’t be the prettiest in the board room this week. Well, you can, but no one is going to notice because your place will be behind the Power point projector, not in its glowing amber light. This is the week for Capricorns to do the unappreciated, the icky and the unfun. It’s all part of the karmic balance, and you’ll be back around in no time with new fun stuff to do and glamour to show for it. Your hard work may end up getting you a raise (although even the grandest planetary bodies can’t fight this current economic debacle), which means you can buy more diamonds.

Aquarius (January 21-February 20)
If you have the ability (i.e., you didn’t spend all your money on comic books and your car actually works this week) to get out of town, now is the time to do it. You’re in danger of spontaneous combustion—moreso than usual! Actually, the Universe is demanding that you raise your perspective. So, seek higher ground, even if you can’t afford an airplane ticket. Even just a hike across the bridge will give you a better appreciation of the water. 

Pisces (February 21-March 20)
Pisces has been trying to get closer to something that simply seems impossibly far away. Whether or not Pisces is in a relationship, the object of their affection is just one step (or in some cases, many-many-many…) too far away. You may simply be meant to walk this part of your path alone, and that’s not such a bad thing. First of all, you won’t have a partner bugging you for cash. Two, you’ll learn a few things in your solitude that will make you far more attractive when the person finally pulls their head out of their ass and comes back to you. Give it a shot.