Yes, my darlings! Thank you SOOOO much for your patience during SMM’s sabbatical. She took that time to rest, recuperate and learn a bit more about the star patterns. The Great Bastard in the sky has a WILD autumn heading this way, so do keep up on your Prozac and Bourbon. Goddess knows both will be supremely necessary.
It’s the week of September15-21! Welcome to autumn!!!
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Schedule time with the couple’s therapist this week. Your reigning planet is standing directly across the table from lovely Venus—shaking a pissed off hoof in her fickle face. You may think you’re saying to your partner, “But Honey, you don’t look fat at all in that tube top…” but your partner is going to hear, “SWINE!!!!!” Yep. Not only is Venus totally NOT in your favor this week, the beginnings of the Mercury in Sucktrograde will make it nearly impossible to talk sense into anyone. Stock up on flowers and chocolates and try not to talk unless to alert someone of a fire.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Now, your pretty home planet of Venus is moving in with your friend Libra this week. That’s good news! Your Libra friends (however co-dependant and pushy…) are great with relationships. So, if you’ve had your eye on the cute little red-head you’ve known for a million years, now is a good time to take them out and say, “I like you. Let’s shag and then live in sin for awhile with the possibility of entering the time-honored and occasionally oppressive institute of marriage someday.” It’s a good week for love for Taurus. Don’t get stuffy and think these people need to come to you. Taurus, it’s time for you to get off your ass and go after the hottie. Sister Mary has spoken.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
If you need to get anything taken care of verbally or contractually, do it before the 24th, Gemini. Anything you attempt to do legally or contractually between 9/24 and Halloween will fall under the realm of King FUBAR (and he’s kind of a bastard). This is because Mercury in Sucktrograde traditionally messes with chatty Gemini more than most of the signs. If you’re dating someone, know this Sucktrograde in Libra will mess with your partners at home more than your partners in business. Sign your pre-nup, now.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Our Moon is doing all kinds of wacky dances on our psyches this week. Because the Moon is going to land in Pisces, Aries, Taurus AND Gemini, we will need to work through our social phobias (Gemini), need to buy 80’s memorabilia ala Gem and the Holograms or Teddy Ruxpin on Ebay (Taurus), need to have a public outburst including lots of tears with the co-worker who is a real brown-nosing douche (Aries), and need to find out who loves us—really loves us (Pisces). It’s a heavy week. Most of this stuff can fortunately be worked out in dreams, so keep a journal by the couch you crash on. Journaling is fun. It’s a book all about you. Pull that old notebook out from beneath the mattress and get to work analyzing yourself. Nobody else cares enough, do they, Cancer? They just don’t get it.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
This is a good week for you, Leo. If you start out needing additional caffeine and Red Bull at the beginning of the week, you’ll find that by the end of the week you’ll be like the fern—drawing lots of energy from the environment around you. Watch your money, and watch your health. Many Leos have had health problems earlier this week and tried to ignore their fevers and vomitorium episodes with more beer. This was a poor, although hilarious, choice. But the astrological energies will show up with goods a plenty by the weekend, so take Monday-Wednesday off from the club.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You know how this last year has been on the sucky side of crappy? Well, that’s Saturn’s fault. Guess what? You still have another year. Word of the Prophet SMM says try to find a way to make a little money on the side—whether it’s a little housecleaning, doing a Craig’s List clearance, or selling your body to MIT drug analysts. If you really want to make the most of this time, make a list of all the things you’ve gained in the past year. Despite Saturn’s bastardly arrival, you probably had at least one or two cool things happen to you. Making this little list (alphabetized or whatever you end up doing) will make you less likely to sit and moan on the couch, looking like a dork.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
This past week should have been awesome for you. If it wasn’t totally full of love and sex and horse-drawn carriages, you’re shagging the wrong dude or chick. Venus is hanging out on your astrological couch, beginning a new two-year cycle and starting with you! This is a perfect time for lovey-dovey Libra to shack up with the right person. If it doesn’t look good, romance-wise, you need to cut, run and restart the Match.com profile. Take advantage of this mushy time. You’re the one who stands to benefit, most.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Oh! Big surprise. It’s a week of deep introspection. Particularly in dreams, you should get together with your Cancerian friends and share notes about the fucked-up things you saw in your sleep. Aries and Gemini folks are more likely than usual to annoy the crap out of you. You’d be better off to avoid the people who will encourage you to be social and just enjoy the time you have curled up in your little cave, thinking about yourself and enjoying the paintings on the wall.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Wee!!!! Celebrate! Feisty Pluto (which is still a planet—ignore what all skeptics say) is about to get the hell out of your sign. As you may recall, Pluto was bringing you the magic words “regeneration and transformation” which meant people kept moving your stapler and messing up your groove. You can take a break, as you’ll finally find that nothing needs to change. Now, this is going to bore you through the month of October, so work on planning your Halloween costume, because it will feel as though nothing is going on. That’s because Pluto is taking a big break before charging into Capricorn, moving their cheese and screwing up their I-Pod.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Well….Aries and Gemini are going to piss you the hell off, too. Just avoid those people. Talking to them won’t help, passive aggressive emails certainly won’t help. Their signs are standing way on the other side of where you are, and their voices are going to react on you like the fingernails to chalkboards. Keep your pretty little nose to the grind and work on getting your projects done. Again, before the 24th with Mercury starts running away and causing problems. Oh! Quick note from the cauldron. There is a warning about head injuries, you might want to wear a helmet when leaving the house.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Umm….things are going to be even more confusing in the coming days. Not that you’ll notice, you tend to live on planet “Huh????” most days. This will be one of the few times during the year when you have to worry more about money than your record collection—pay attention to your bank account. This past year has been pretty good to you, but right now it’s better that you reign in how much money you spit out at the bar and the flea market.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Monday is a big day. Hope you got to bed last night. The lunar energy is all in Pisces, you’ll be feeling powerful and awesome, but by Tuesday you’ll be back to your confused, wacky selves. You also need to pay attention to your dreams. Call up your Cancer friends, but avoid Scorpios—they’re more liable than usual to fuck with you. Don’t get SMM wrong, it’s going to be a nice week, but it will be even harder than usual to see the things you want to see in action anywhere other than your pointed little head.
You were missed!!!!
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