Let's Learn About Ascendants....

Also known as a Rising Sign.

Also known as Courtney had a very long weekend and is a little too tired to give this a proper explanation.

While your sun sign is determined by the month in which you were born, the moon sign by the day you were born, the Ascendant/Rising Sign is determined by the hour in which you were born--also important to note where you were born.

Your Rising Sign corresponds to how you relate to others and is a strong factor in the first impression people have about you. As a Cancer girl with a Scorpio rising, people who meet me, first assume that I'm up to no good. And then, they find out that I'm this really nice Cancer girl--who just happens to have kind of a warped sense of humor. It's only later that they should have trusted their instincts, when it turns out that I'm actually up to no good all of the time.

This is why, boys and girls, always go with your instincts. That's the reason we have Rising Signs.

This is all I'm going to say about it. You're not even reading this. You've already scrolled down for your weekly Horrorscope.

To find your Rising Sign, I will again refer you to http://www.astro.com/.

Welcome to the week of January 29-February 4!!!

Aries (March 21-April 20)
Thank Goddess--whatever was bugging the hell out of you last week you are FINALLY over it! Seize this moment, little Ram soldiers! It only comes once in a while, so take full advantage of getting over it! This is why we love Aries. You burn and burn and burn and burn and then you're done. My special crystal ball says that you will finally tell off that co-worker who keeps borrowing your stapler without asking and as a result, you'll find yourself getting to keep all of your office supplies. My advice to you is to try as hard as you possibly can to have constructive conversation, instead of lighting your co-worker's desk on fire. We all know they deserve it, but you might end up unemployed. Either way you go, at the end of the week, you'll find that this is not bothering you anymore. Yay for you!!!

Taurus (April 21-May 21)
A certain Taurus told me that I was particularly mean to the bulls of the Zodiac last week. Must I remind you that first of all, I'm far meaner to Scorpio and second of all, I have no control over what the Heavens want you to know. I only say it in a way that's vaguely funny. Anyway, the Heavens tell me you didn't pay attention to your Horrorscope last week. You were too mad at me for being mean. This week, the Heavens say we don't always get accolades that we deserve for the work that we do. When things become a bigger pain in the ass than they should be, sometimes we just need to chill out and wait for them to become less of a pain in the ass. In the end, the outcome may be better! Or, we just stop caring. And then it doesn't matter! Sometimes rest is needed in perseverance. And sometimes it's a big help. So love me, damnit. I love you. (Note to all Taurus people: My Taurus sister just cut off a foot of gorgeous her hair to give to cancer patients. Role Model Taurus is my sister, in fact: role model everything. I'd like to say I would, but my hair is dyed.)

Gemini (May 22-June 21)
A certain Gemini told me that my forecasts for the cute little twins are "half-way right, half-way off." I just want to point out that this is very typical of a Gemini. Half the time, they're with me--half the time it's: "No, Courtney. You're full of shit." This week, Bobsey Twins, you must understand that "doing without doing, and everything gets done" is a true story. Tall order, I know. But especially when you're trying to solve a problem using the same methods that failed to solve that problem the first 137 times you tried to solve that problem, I can pretty much guarantee that it's not going to work on the 138th time you try to solve this problem. (Did that sentence make any sense?) Let's try using unconventional methods. I realize that your reading also sounds quite a bit like your reading from last week, so you must not have paid a lot of attention. Bad Gemini. You think I'm doing this for my health? I'm clearly not doing it for the salary.....

Cancer (June 22-July 23)
Oh my god. What a week. I am so glad it's over, I can't even express it to you in modern English. Check the bottom of my empty beer glass. Cancers! Our shitty week is over and the stars promise that this coming week will be so much better!!!! Now, our problem is that we collapse into every emotion we possibly can come up with, the good as well as the bad. So, we're going to be so relieved that this week is going well, that we'll be running around our places of employment scattering rose petals and singing a Disney song. This is going to get on people's nerves. Keep the songs for the shower and let's not get all pissy when other people don't feel like being showered with rose petals. Let's try not to take that personally. But I promise--you can call me, and I'll be there with you. I love rose petals. And Disney songs. I would be happy to share in your happiness. Just keep in mind that other people won't like us much this week, and that doesn't mean they're going to rain on our corny little parade when they scowl at us.

Leo (July 24-August 23)
There were so many of you brats at this party last night, oh my god. And of course, many had read this blog and said, "Fab-u-lous, huh? I'm a Leo! I'm a Leo!" Okay, just because I said you Leos are good in the sack, does not mean I want to test out every one of you. Typical, typical Leo. At least the other signs at this party pretended to have some kind of modesty. Don't let people take you for a ride this week, friend. And don't forget to take a nap. You're cranky when you're tired. What you need to do is calm down, chill out and take a look around this week. You may notice that someone is taking advantage of you, which really pisses me off because I tend to like Leos. Also, the cards are saying that if you're looking for a new job or chance with that guy/girl you've been secretly crushing on, it's a good week to make a move. Wow. That really sounded astrologer-y. Watch for quiet little opportunities to do something cool, and don't lend anybody any money. They probably will forget to pay you back. Or lie and say they forgot. Just don't. xoxo

Virgo (August 24-September 23)
I got an email from a Virgo this week that pretty much said, "There may be something to it, but I kind of think astrology is bunk." I pointed out that this is the most Virgo thing I've ever heard in my life. Even this Virgo couldn't argue with the fact that Virgos just don't really get into astrology. Sad, but true. You're missing out on a lot of fun. So for the one Virgo in the world who actually reads this column, this one's for you: You can't repeat the old and not suffer. Oh yes, I know your solution worked last time for a specific situation--guess what, buddy. Rules have changed, new situation requires new instruction manual. Oh, wait. You don't get an instruction manual. Stop trying to use your old bag of tricks. They're more like matches, they're only going to work once. And quit psychoanalyzing what you're reading from me at this moment. I'm only telling you what I see in the tea leaves.

Libra (September 24-October 23)
The reason we all love you Libras is that you actually try to make relationships work. This week, you don't need to push too hard. Wait for the other person to do a little pushing of their own. I know waiting is one of the hardest things a Libra could ever do, but here's your chance to practice. Take up knitting. Knit me something pretty. Send it to me. It's cold in New York this week. By the time you finish, said person over whom you're obsessing will have done their pushing. Wow. Seems as though all the signs are being told to wait and chill, baby, chill. But I meant it about the knitting thing. It really is cold this week.

Scorpio (October 24-November 22)
Hi baby. I'm back. You do love me. You're doing your shifty little thing again and disappearing from your loved ones for whatever stupid reason you have this week. Sometimes you can get away with it and frankly, as a Cancer, I understand. (Must. Withdraw. Into. Shell.) But not this week, Scorpio. As much as you can't stand it, you're going to have to be attentive to those around you because they don't have the patience for your bullshit right now. And frankly, there may be important things you need to attend to. So instead of curling up in your room with your Tori Amos c.d., wondering why the world doesn't understand you (besides, we know you like the fact that you're mysterious), get out there and at least pretend to attend to your significant others, family and friends. You can go hide next week.

Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)
Damn. You kids throw great parties. Even Aries got tipsy. You, like your friend Scorpio, are going to need to be more attentive to your people. Unfortunately for you, Sag's are lousy, lousy liars. It's going to have to be genuine. You don't fake things well. You are too damn honest. Dig deep and find compassion for your people's silly little dramas. They are probably just as silly as you think they are, but the truth is that you love these people enough to put up with them. Throw another one of your awesome parties. Maybe they'll forget their stupid dramas. You know you threw a great party when Aries got drunk and didn't throw any punches! Don't know anyone else who can get away with that!!!

Capricorn (December 22-January 20)
My fellow astrologer-Cancerian-Irish girl-Former Catholic gently called my attention to the fact that I've been way too nice to Capricorns so far. She mentioned that I overlooked the bi-polar nature of this sign and I explained to her, "Well, the reason I didn't say that is because I know a few too many crazy Capricorns--and they know where I live." Oops. I just said that. Yes, yes I did. I'm afraid you've got a bad week coming, Cappy Corn. Defenses are down, you're going to be mad about something again and you are not listening to your inner voice of wisdom. I know it's in there somewhere. Try to find the prime source and let it all go away. Also, you won't be able to lean on anyone this week. Universe wants you to learn from your mistakes. How many more times do you need to be told? Stop leaning on other people. Especially Cancers. We are not answering cell phone calls this week. We're very busy singing Disney songs and throwing rose petals. (Drip drip drop little April showers!!!)

Aquarius (January 21-February 19)
If you're having aches and pains this week, you should have had more water before going to your birthday party. But you know, who cares! Growing pains, my friend. That's what's in store for you this week. Emotions like to sneak up on Aquarians, generally optimistic little devils, and suddenly they look around and say, "Hey. I'm sad. Why me sad? Life good!" Babe, we all get the blues. Did your cat run away? Was your friend mean to you? Your Dad didn't make parole? Maybe that's why you're sad. Don't be confused by these feelings. Don't drive to Canada. I promise you'll feel better soon. There's always next week! And at that time, you'll have forgotten all about this week, anyway!

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Good week for Pisces. It's about time! Every sign this week was getting shit on. It's nice to end this way! Looks as though you took my golden advice from last week: applied for a job. Took a shower. Brushed your teeth. And the world was receptive to you! See? Hygiene=good. Stinky=bad. Enjoy this time and shine like the little goldfish that you are. Get out there and continue to make things happen for yourself. Unfortunately, goldfish only live like, two days. Enjoy life, because it's short. Call up some old friends and be sure to call your mom, too. She worries.

Quote of the week: "She's a Goya cat."