Better late than bite me.

Horrorscopes Continued…..

Well, this week was supposed to be about elementals—but my mom was in town this weekend. We painted my living room. Now, I have a cold. I ran around too much last week and even more this weekend. I’m going to do your forecasts, but no fancy-pants terminology explanations. By the way, I still don’t have internet. And the e-newsletter I publish went out in triplicate. My friend’s mom wrecked her car. How many more days until the Retrograde passes? Anyone know? I sure as hell don’t. How the hell is a modern astrologer supposed to know anything without the Net? Too many city lights to see the stars, like in olden times…..

(Aren’t I a ham? This week, I included direct quotes from all twelve zodiac signs!!!)

It is the Dawning of the Age of February 18-24!!!

Aries (Mar. 21-April 19)
“I’d say something, but I’ll get yelled at…okay, I’d say something, but I’d start yelling…”
Whether it’s Mercury in Retrograde dragging at your hoofs, or the vain feeling that you were the ONLY person in the zodiac without a Valentine this year—something is seriously bugging our Ram friend this week. For once, you’re not yelling about it. You’re sad and mopey, which is seriously freaking me out. Seriously, Aries. Do you really think a nasty period of time is going to last forever? No, no it doesn’t. Go get a manicure or a waxing. Make yourself feel pretty—or handsome—for a change. Yuck goes away, but often needs a kick in the dupa. Do it. I’d go with you to the spa, but I’m on short-change this week. Again.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
“So, when do you plan on writing something that you don’t give away for free?”
Face it, Taurus. You can’t do anything about what you can’t do anything about. See, there are these unfortunate times in the strange world of “human life events” that require us to sit on our asses and watch while everything we want or worked for dwindles away. I do hope this was something minor—not a house or small business or fragile empire or something. You’re no good at taking advice anyway, so don’t bother anybody with “why, how, but when’s?” Nobody can help you now. Just leave everything alone, and it will come home, with lots of new plans behind it. Good time for reorganizing your sock drawer. You can reorganize mine too, if you want.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
“Can I have two votes? I’m voting twice. That’s okay, right?”
Stop talking. Seriously. I want each and every one of you to shut up. We went over this a few weeks ago, but just like your eleven siblings, you didn’t listen. Do you know what happens when you don’t listen? You miss taking advantage of the moment. Whether that’s a job opportunity, a housing option, a date with someone supremely hot—you’re going to miss it because you keep blathering. And when you miss your opportunity, your Smart-Ass Astrologer will make fun of you. Stop, look around, listen. But use contemplation when choosing an option. Don’t just decide to get the deciding over with. Does this make any sense to you? Hope so. Your reading sure confuses the hell out of me.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
“I’m so nervous I can’t eat I can’t sleep and I can’t stop smoking. Oh my god.”
One of the biggest problems we Cancerians have, is that even long after the trial is completed—we still need only a half a glass of wine to get us to regurgitate the closing statements. Again. First, a wound needs to release pus—but then, the wound needs to heal. That’s gross, I know, but that’s what I pulled from a recent meditation. Basically, it means, at what point are we suffering over our suffering? Come on, Cancers. Admit it. We love melodrama. Did you know that as much fun as melodrama can be—letting go of it actually makes us happier individuals???? Highly theoretical, I know, but I’ve been there and during the moments that I’m actually able to let go of things that happened like, seven years ago—I’m so much more fun to be around! Let’s all try it this week and get together for a potluck-sharing exercise next Sunday. We can have it at my house and look at my new painted living room. Come on! It’ll be a blast. I promise.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
“Can I just say that I HEART you???? Please don’t snort folgers.”
Something looks completed in your den, Leo. That’s a good thing. Tired of doing readings about change and decisions. Now it’s time to rest. Leave everything alone for just a bit. Enjoy this pretty, happy, golden time. Being Leos, you tend to enjoy this kind of stuff more than most signs—most of whom start trying to cause drama because we get nervous without it. Just don’t be dismayed when the clouds roll in again. That’s normal. On the flip side—there may be those of you who completed something and feel fully defeated and yucky. The only solution I can offer is to a.) watch a funny movie b.) drink heavily or c.) do both and your make-out buddy, too. (I suggest option c.) That too, will pass. The good and the bad. I need Sudafed.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22)
“Next week, could you be sure to put the dates next to all the signs so we all know exactly who you’re talking about?”
Signals. Journey, communication, reunion. Someone is trying to tell you something and/or you’ve got a big announcement on the way. Hope you didn’t get/get anyone knocked up—unless that was your plan, of course…Listen to people you wouldn’t ordinarily listen to. Even morons have sound advice once in awhile. Looks like a moron near you may fulfill their yearly quota! My flying monkeys say that this piece of info will either start you on a new path or bring you some sort of reunion. Can’t tell whether this is icky or fab. Do blog about it so we can get all the juicy deets….

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct 22)
“I like being quoted.”
Okay. You’re going to hate this one—and I don’t want you blaming me. Again. If you’ve been enjoying bunnies and sunshine, that’s about to change. If you’ve had a lot of stormy yuck, it’s about to get worse. The good news is that then, it’s going to get better. But first, you’ll have to go through blank-time. Television time. Sweatpants time. If you get laid off, give it a few days before sprucing the resume. If you break up with someone, give it at least a week with the ice cream before you hit Match. You’re going to need a break before you rev up again—so do it. And don’t blame me if this comes true. I didn’t make this shite up—I just wrote it.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-November 21)
“Why you gotta go and hate on us?...Yeah, so what if it's true?”
(How much paranoia can one Cancerian create?) As much as you like to throw them, we all know how much you hate to get mixed signals—and unfortunately for the Scorpions of the crew, EVERYONE is throwing them at you this week—and not just me. No, we’re not all out to get you, it’s only going to feel that way. Ignore us and retreat to your fortress. Don’t plan any kind of retaliation because all attacks are self-imagined. The truth is that everyone around you is even far more confused than you on one of your days. Just go put on some mopey music and paint something with lots of black and purple. Eventually, everyone will start calling again just to say that they love you, and you can go back to returning their affections in that intoxicatingly convoluted way that you have. Yes, I said it. I called you intoxicating. Get over it and go back to work. Your boss is coming up behind you.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
“Okay, first of all—let me say that I love you. Second, let me say that you are a BITCH.”
Sag, one of the reasons you are so fabulous is that you dive-bomb skull-first into everything. Even though it means the rest of us are going to have to clean up all the messes you are bound to make, we still love your enthusiasm—even when we’re rolling our eyes and wishing your death for getting us into ANOTHER mess. This week, it looks as though you’re not only diving headfirst into something, you’re creating some kind of molecular fusion with whatever project you’re into between now and Sunday. Don’t do that. Try to keep to shattering things and not melding with them. It will take the whole zodiac to get you out and I have plans next weekend. There’s a note here about fertility, so watch your condoms and birth control. If you’re finally starting to see some progress on a project, go ahead and throw a big ol’ party to celebrate, but don’t forget that it’s not over yet. Things take a long time to ferment. Ask the grapes in my glass of wine.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
“You forgot Capricorn? Big mistake. BIG.”
Things are not going to go according to plan and this is really going to piss you off. I’m blaming the retrograde and you can’t convince me otherwise. My suggestion is that when your super-duper plan A doesn’t work, avoid doing your Capricorn thing: thinking of a 1,000 reasons why every other solution won’t work either. Nothing is perfect--GoatBoat. Why do you think they invented erasers? Do not attempt to go where you have not yet begun. Your poor mind is skipping three thousand light years ahead and the rest of us are dawdling around here wondering what the hell you’re talking about. Capricorn Of the Year Award goes to: My Mom. Because Capricorns have a good eye for everything pretty, my mom came to visit me this weekend (Oregon to NYC, kids. That’s a trek.) and decorated my apartment. That razor-sharp eye of hers can detect when a picture frame is tilting 1/1,000th of an inch to the left or right—no need for the level in my place! And she bought me pillows, a bedspread, a table, a vase, and don’t forget—we painted the living room! Then, she made me wash my sofa covers because they were dirty. She said next time I’d better have them clean before she arrives. Or else.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb. 18)
“I’m not sure I agree with your depiction of us, although I think your depiction of the other signs are mostly accurate...”
Happy Aquarius! Don’t float away in happy happy land! So happy, don’t forget the needs of those around you. They’re talking while you’re floating away. Things take a long time, so to celebrate too much over one little victory is just dumb. You’ve got lots of work yet to do. Because you are who you are, things will change next week and leave you confused again. You’ll know that at one time, things were very pretty and sunny, but once they’re checkboarded again, you forget that it was easy, so therefore, you will once again forget that it’s going to get easy again! I must repeat, because I know you’ve already been distracted by an ad on your co-worker’s computer, do not collapse into your happy-daze. It will be super annoying to your S.O., co-workers, roommates, aquarium fish, etc. You will need to still take out the garbage.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
(Called, I think—but did not leave a message.)
Oh, dear. Something has gone and stalled my fishy-friend again. These pond creatures get so stagnant sometimes. What is it this week? You were so happy last time I checked in with you! Something is clearly not going your way and I am inclined to blame it all on what’s-their-name, and you know who I’m talking about. (I don’t know who I’m talking about—but YOU do…..) Are you putting your wants before needs of others? Are you secretly harboring these wants and not telling anyone—again? Are you waiting for the rest of the world to figure it out, or for the problem to resolve itself? I’ve got news for you, doodle-bug: cut away dead wood. It’s not going to cut itself. Those magazines and comic books were plugging up the exit of your apartment the last time you were stagnant like this, but then you got that new opportunity and lost the will to lose them. However, now that the sparkle has worn off, all that crap is still being annoying. Time to get rid of all the stuff that’s choking your gills, Pisc. Don’t make me tell you again.