Happy Birthday, Aries!!!

It's that special time of year again. The Zodiac New Year! We survived; we were not consumed by melting glaciers or lethal black holes--yet. Spring is almost here, and it's time to celebrate the birthdays of our favorite fiery rams: Aries! Aries! Aries!

It only makes sense that Aries is the first sign in the chart. The Big Brothers/Sisters in the group (and I don't mean this in a 1984 way...), Arians were invented by the universe to get the rest of us out of the stupid jams we tend to get ourselves into. They are strong, they are stubborn, and they are brash and loyal and pretty much the best friends and worst enemies you could possibly imagine. Do you own a business? (Right.....who does?) If so, hire an Aries. I wouldn't recommend hiring more than one in the same department. First of all, they don't like working for one another. Second, they'll fight. However, your Aries employee/co-worker will be the one who has The Plan--and who won't have a problem telling you who's screwing up big time. They don't play into office/restaurant/massage parlor politics. They're there to get the job done, and even if the lazy guy who blogs all day instead of working is their doting, handicapped father--they'll tell you to fire them if they don't do the job.

Once you've got an Aries friend, take care of them. They will take care of you. They will fix your car when it breaks. If they don't know how to fix a car, they will find someone who will--and stand over their shoulder to make sure they don't screw up. They will help you move. They will beat up your cheating spouse--so make sure you let them know if that's not something you want. They will tell you everything that's wrong with your life--not because they're mean (Aries may be on the angry side, but rarely carry a malicious streak), but because they want you to be the best little soldier can be. They will be the only one in your zodiac pool who will go penguin-stalking in Antarctica. Aries do like to travel. Seriously, these guys are adventurous, loving and unbelievably loyal. They'll be on your side, even when you're unbelievably wrong. Well, publicly, anyway. Privately, they'll tear you up for being a dumbass--and they're usually right. And when they're wrong, they may fight you on it--being probably the most stubborn creatures in all of creation--but they'll eventually listen. They are willing to change when it's necessary.

As lovers--wow. Shy kids need not apply. Exhibitionists, stand here. People with a tendency to cheat, stay the hell away from Aries. They will kill those that stray. Your Aries lover is quite likely to have sex with you in a stairway, public bathroom, on the end of the subway car, on top of a subway car, yeah. They get hot quickly and will need it no less than half a dozen times before they let you go to sleep. This is the sign where you're likely to find your strangest tie me-beat me-harder-harder fantasies fulfilled.

Arians don't warm up to people instantly. Some even come off an introverted in the beginning, although I've only seen two cases of this for the most part. Most have a natural sense of distrust of others. When you first meet an Aries, you're probably going to think that they don't like you. It may be true--most Arians don't like a lot of people--but chances are they just don't know you yet. Don't try too hard to get to know them right away, they'll trust you even less. Just hang around and let them feel out if you're a jackass or not.

On the flip side, because we've all got them, Arian's big nasty is their rage. These kids get mad easily, and trying to calm them down is about as easy and productive as getting my cat to do the dishes. They cling to past hurts and furies in a way that baffles even the most unforgiving Cancerian. No one does grudge like Aries does grudge. Arians have a tendency to misunderstand their emotions and either take it out on the house by tearing down a wall that suddenly annoys the crap out of them, or sometimes, on their loved ones. They've really got to watch that violent streak.The good news is that in every Arians life, there are one or two people they genuinely listen to. If you happen to be that person in an Arian's life, consider yourself flattered as they certainly do have remarkable respect for you. Remember that when you are sincerely tempted to use that frying pan against their skull.

Aries have a lot of love, and if you're lucky enough that they share it with you, they envelope you and it will be a long, long time before they even think of letting you go.

So, to the fiery, loving, genuine, honest, crazy, sexy, fabulous extra-terrestrials we know as Aries in my life, whom I absolutely could NOT live without: Nola, Christopher, Becky, Marc, Master Lee, Steph Sabelli and of course...my best Aries of all time: Izzy. Happy Birthday you battering rams, you! I love you to fiery pieces!

Aries (Mar. 21-April 19)
"I gotta keep my spreading my legs wide so I can keep up with you."
It's your birthday! Eat some cake. All right, who are you mad at this week? I guess I should say, when is there a week when you're not mad at someone? However, this week, the flying monkeys have decreed that there is strength in your cold shoulder--perhaps you did the right thing this time by erecting a concrete wall between yourself and the guy who shares your cubicle. Nice choice. Just know when it's time to tear the thing down--and do it. Don't make me have to call and remind you.

Taurus(April 20-May 20)
"It's a story about fucking a republican."
Taurus is also holding a grudge this week. I wonder if the two horned kids got into some kind of zodiacal battle. Only, Taurus isn't just mad, Taurus is pissed. And they're not saying who and they're not saying why and the rest of us are going to have to sit real pretty and try to remember if we've angered any bulls this week. (I'm sure I did.) Taurus, none of us ever knows when you're mad at us, even when we try. If you'd actually tell us what we did, I promise that each and every one of us will try very, very hard not to do it again. Right, guys? I think we had this conversation last week, Taurus. You're going to need to give people a clue.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
"False hope is the cockroach of human emotions."
At first, the forecast showed that the lady Geminis were going to be broke this week. Wait! Nope. All Geminis are going to be broke this week. Sorry! You're stuck in a rut and it's making you blue. Honeys, it happens! It's almost the end of the month and eventually, you will get paid again. Or the people on the subway will eventually buy your candy. It's not going to get any easier for awhile. Try not to whine too much about it because you've already used up a great deal of everyone's sympathy last week. See if you can do some household chores for your Mom. Sure, she still pays in 1964 wages, but that way you don't have to look so pathetic at the bar Friday night.

Cancer (June 21-July 22 )
"Best way to learn from a mistake is to just go and make it again."
So, for the most part, things are going well for the crabby babies. Oh, yeah. We're still crying over something our roommate said about us being kind of stout--which happened like, three years ago and this was before the gym membership. I want to give us a lecture about how ridiculous we all are, but I think that will only waste the time I could otherwise use for writing a smart-ass novel that will make far more money than this smart-ass blog. End of the week brings a tall, handsome and wealthy stranger. Either that or we'll all gain some strength in order to cope with the things we let bother us.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
"Does labia walk, or does it slither? How exactly does labia get around?"
Cataclysm! An end to a cycle! Leos, I highly advise you to stay where you are and don't go outside. If you must, wear a helmet. Someone is going to drop a piano on the head of your world this week, and it's not going to be pretty. Initially. However, the good news is that this proverbial piano is coming at just the right time. Once you clear from the wreckage, the sun will be all pretty and shiny and you'll find new strength--or something fruity like that. I sincerely wish upon you only pianos that cause no physical harm and only temporary emotional damage.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept. 22)
"STOP listening to BREAKAWAY. STOP dancing in your cubicle chair to SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE. you make me sick. you disgust me. they are evil."
Hmm......Something has come to an end for the Virgos of the world. A triumphant end, for good or bad. Virgo, you're likely to break up with someone this week, or come to the realization that someone you're fond of isn't quite so fond of you. A girlfriend/boyfriend/friendfriend/or fuckbuddy is no longer in your corner and this isn't my fault, it's just what the monkeys are saying. You may be dealing with this overwhelming sensation that something has gotten into your blood, heated it up a little bit, sloshed it around, and now you want to go screaming through the park with your underpants on your head. These, Virgo, are called emotions and you're going to have a lot of them this week. Outlook for sex and/or other creative endeavors: also not so good. Sorry. The good news is this is decidedly temporary. I'll bribe the monkeys into telling you something better on Sunday.

Libra(Sept. 23-Oct 22)
"I suck my tongue in remembrance of you."
Jesus Christ, Libra. You are pissed to all hell. What in the world happened? Actually, I don't want to know, but I hope it didn't involve me because you are doing a highly unusual thing for a Libra to do: plotting the deaths of all of your enemies. If you kill someone, you will go to jail. Don't think you're going to get away with it because we all know that Libras have gigantic flapping jaws. Instead, plot the death of your enemies using unconventional methods. Do the kill with kindness thing. It actually works. Basically, you're going to need to start from scratch on something. It's not an official starting over-starting over, but your new tactics are going to call for some thought before approach. Don't be stupid.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-November 21)
"...balancing social justice and my desire for shit I don't need."
I want to be super annoying and start singing "When you wish upon a star...." but it'll get stuck in your head. Oh, wait. Too late. (insert wicked cackle) Aw....Scorpio's in love this week! Or lust. Or delicious delusion. I almost feel like skipping the rest of your reading this week and let you stay in your pretty little fantasy land. I almost don't want to tell you that these fantasies can only become flesh-ities if you pull a plan together and make it happen. I also don't want to mention that the courtship of the person or object of your desires is going to take much longer than you think. I don't want to wake you from your daydream of sweeping Mr./Ms. Wonderful onto your gallant steed and racing off into the sunset--this person has to want to come with you, first. So, I'm not going to say anything.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
"When you picture your labia, do you picture one particular side? I picture my left."
It's a good week for Sag to try that whole Ritalin thing again. Or meditation exercises, for the hippies of the group. Our flickering little friends are in desperate need of communing with their higher power. (It's in there! I promise!) They are also in desperate need of a good conversation with the person who helps them spend their money. Clearly, all that cash we saw in weeks past did not stick around. It's going to be a rather quiet week for Sag, so don't blow it and wreck your house by having all of your friends over. We'll be back around, so learn to enjoy quiet and balance. It'll all be over soon enough.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
"And you ride a rocket powered silver slipper trailing a stream of multicolored candy!"
Another Cataclysmic week! Your reading will confuse the hell out of most people, but not for Capricorn because this is all too typical. What you wanted to arrive, arrived. And that's turned your world inside out. You're angry because it didn't arrive in the form you wanted it to--or you're angry because...shit. I don't know why you're upset, but this anger is driving people away and making it difficult for anything to really be accomplished. Slow down, take some time and listen to that inner voice you've so desperately been trying to smother. I can't help but thinking that this new arrival is a marvelous one, so none of us have any sympathy for your yammering this time.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb. 18)
"Posting it twice is just a waste of cyberspace. Even if it is theoretical."
Something crawled under your skin and you're pretending it didn't happen. I hope it wasn't herpes. No, really. You're pretending it didn't happen and spending all of your hard-earned cash at the bar, trying to impress all of your friends with how cute and funny you are. The latter is true, you are cute and funny, but we're not impressed because we already thought you are cute and funny. We also know you picked up something in your one-night stand with the girl you met at the gas station because you're walking funny. This is all symbolic, you may not have contracted an STD (but if you think you might have, you need to go get tested.) but something icky is going on with you. We can all see it, and you're not admitting it. This is going to cause some problems for you down the road in the name of cranky attitude and/or emotional deluge. Talk to your friends. They like you and they'll listen to you. Hell, you've had to listen to them when they picked up something nasty from that girl at the gas station.....

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
"Email me. Casey Affleck is waiting in the car."
Remember last week? I said you were bound to hit a bump in your road, and this was going to make you irritable and unhappy, but you need to keep going? I guess that bump hit sooner than expected. So, instead of sitting there chain-smoking, go kick someone in the ass. You know exactly who I'm talking about, too. Your impatience will only work for you if it prompts you to make changes. Silent grudges will be the sword on which you fall. I want to spray-paint that on the subway. I won't, but I want to. A confrontation is at hand--either with a person or a nasty habit you've been trying to kick. Do it, and stop being mopey.

Wow. Better late than BITE ME BITE ME BITE ME.