What if it doesn't exist??????

Just because I'm woo-woo, doesn't mean I'm a nut.

Just because I'm a nut, doesn't mean I deny it.

Just because I deny it, doesn't mean there isn't something to astrology.

And just because I'm uber-defensive for no particular reason does not make me a typical Cancerian. (Lie.)

Thank you. Bad poetry on a Tuesday morning.

I read a lot of blogs. Yes. Yes, I do. And they all sound smarter than my astrology blog. Particularly the pool of theater bloggers I've fallen into who actually see plays, think about them, think about art, think about life and use big words when they talk about it. Granted, people are more apt to read astrology and frankly, astrology is more fun, but does that mean that I'm wasting my talents on writing funny fluff? Well, I wouldn't call it wasting. Or talent. Or even funny, really. But certainly not fluff.

Why? Are we sure astrology even exists?

No. We're not.

I was in a bookstore a few years ago, perusing the astrology section when this guy came up to me and pointed out that the constellations that supposedly guide our zodiacal tendencies don't even exist anymore. They burned out long ago, but their light is only reaching us now.

"Therefore," he surmised as if I'd begged and begged for his opinion. "I'm not sure astrology exists."

No scientific backing? No, not really. Can't hold it in our hands? Nope. Can't do that, either. Astrology is likely a man-made conception, on which we place a lot of emphasis but does not exist "on its own" or something like that.

But you know what? Currency is man-made too. Does that mean currency isn't real?

You can argue that currency is real because you can hold it in your hand and use it to buy things. But truthfully, most of us use our currency through little cards that are connected to little numbers somewhere on a big giant machine. You can argue that those little numbers translate into little pieces of green paper--which are "real," but those little pieces of green paper are in actuality only IOU notes for pieces of gold in a big vault somewhere down south--and we're not even really sure there is enough gold to back up all those IOU's.

But money does exist--you dirty hippies, you. Because we make it so. Whether or not those numbers or pieces of paper "mean" anything, we use it, we earn it, it's the reason we get up and out the door every day to go sit in an office. Plus (people are arguing) we can hold it in our hand.

What about thoughts? We can't see those. We can't hold them in our hands. Do they exist? I'm not always sure about that--but I figure if I'm thinking about thoughts, well, they must sort-of be real, right?

God is a whole different story that I'm not going into right now.

I believe in astrology. Duh. I also believe in God. Several, in fact. And both of these things do exist. Whether or not they existed before humans came out of caves is beside the point. We open the newspaper--and there's an astrology column. Even the staunchest atheist probably knows their zodiac sign. And whether you want to admit it--when you start dating someone, their sign crosses your mind along with the question of whether it will work with yours. Hell, you people read my astrology blog--and not just because you desperately want your friend to become famous so she can buy a yacht and take you places on it. Just like money, just like government, just like God, religion and the concept of love--these things exist because we engage them.

And the fact that--admit it--sometimes forecasts can be chillingly accurate.

I think I've made a point here. I've tried to, anyway. Not bad for 11:00 a.m. on a Tuesday morning with only three cups of coffee.

It's the week of March 12-18! And the Retrograde has finally passed!!!!

Aries
(Mar. 21-April 19)
"I like him. Like, I'm really into him. Like, I love him."
It's that special time of year when our little Rams get to sharpen their horns and lay low in the grass for awhile. They've likely shot their mouth off--again--and now in order to keep their job or marriage need to do some serious DL time. That's okay! We all go through this. My flying monkeys tell me that this particular warning has more to do with cash than love this time for the Rams. Basically, most Arians have probably angered their bosses or co-workers. Be cool this week, guys. It's in your best interests. I'm seeing here that the person you rattled is probably going to come around and see your thwarted way of thinking. This will lead to healing, reunion and far fewer fist fights. Sit back and watch something on You-Tube, just don't let the boss catch you.....


Taurus
(April 20-May 20)
"Did I make Taurus quote of the week?" (No. You're not the only Taurus I know.) "Well, I SHOULD be..."
Now, TAURUS is the one who needs to get over something. Whatever this is that crawled between your hooves this morning happened at lease a month ago. And everyone else involved thought it was resolved. I've got a sneaking suspicion that the Tauruses of the world said, "Oh sure! We're fine!" little bits of sarcastic saliva dripping out of their clenched teeth. Well, the whole world didn't know your clenched teeth meant you were still angry. We all thought you were constipated. No, truthfully, you're going to need to get over this because the rest of us have moved on. If you simply can't let it go, you need to talk to the person who upset you. Chances are, they will respond with, "Why didn't you just say so, numb-nut?" Don't let that upset you further. You have a chance to assist in the growth of one of your many confusing relationships. Watch where you put your horns.

Gemini
(May 21-June 20)
"But I'm wearing long johns underneath......"
Aw....Gemini is sad this week! I think there were a series of break-ups or other losses running around in the land of the Twins. Sorry, baby! I only dumped two or three Geminis this week, so it's not all because of me. Loss is a part of life, friend. And I'm really not that cool, anyway. Seriously, though. Look at what you received from the association and try really, really hard to celebrate that instead of mourn what you lost. When you start to mourn, meditate on all the really annoying things that person or situation provided. And then meditate on how much room you have to find new people and things to annoy you! I guarantee that this will change your mood. Plus, you're a Gemini who will be on to some other project that will curl the toes of your friends and S.O. We can't wait to see what you're going to come up with.


Cancer
(June 21-July 22)
"What is it with Capricorns and their thing with shoes?"
I'm serious. I'm about to pull the reading and if it's that 'don't hold on' thing again......it's not going to be pretty.
(Stir stir stir the cauldron....)
Thank Goddess.
Wow! Partnership! Each and every Cancer this week is going to meet a beautiful, exotic stranger who will carry us off into the sunset. Or, their cranky-pants partner will suddenly become beautiful and exotic and apologize for all of the cranky-pants things they did recently and carry us off into the sunset. What a great reading! Oh, yeah. We're also being warned not to collapse into these beautiful, exotic entities--like we like to do. It won't work out so well. We've got a chance to pass through one of those life-time gateways if we stay calm and level and don't run around throwing rose petals in the air when we should be taking out the trash. We should actually try really, really hard to listen to the advice of people around us, particularly those we tend to ignore. So, if someone we tend to avoid suddenly has to talk to us--just give them three minutes. They don't need to know we're taking their advice--they might come back and do it again--but it could be helpful in the long run. So there.

Leo
(July 23-August 22)
When Carrie from Sex in the City gets dumped
She has the option of buying Manolos
But I don't have that option
So I buy a Budweiser
(The Reverend Jen. I include the name this time because it's her poetry.)
The Leos of the world have hereby refused to come out of their dens because they're all in pissy moods. Well kittens, ruts happen. To all of us. As a Cancer, I think it's highly productive to retreat and wait for the world to go away, however, you don't have the luxury of doing so just now. Someone around you needs your attention, and they're likely to go seeking for it elsewhere if you keep all curled up and moody. It's probably a Gemini--those kids had a rough week. You're going to have to suck it up and go attend to them, even though we all know that you are seriously not in the mood to be doting. The good news is that you're probably going to find that helping your friend or lover will snap you out of your funk. Even better news is that you two are going to put each other back together and go skipping down the lane to the end of the rainbow. I think that sounds quite nice.

Virgo
(Aug 23-Sept. 22)
"I should have checked the bed before I got in. I ended up sleeping on a choo-choo."
Uh-oh. The Holy Virgins discovered some secret, or found the answer to some nagging question--and while the zodiac Virgins are information whores, this particular piece of info has upset them greatly. If you were being blind to something, be thankful you finally woke up. If you were lied to, be thankful you finally got the truth, little melancholy babies. If this involves a good-bye, you need to make it a good BYE. Erase the emails, delete the text messages, store the photos on a disc in some place you're not going to "accidentally" put it back in your computer and flip through it. You little buggers are far more sentimental than you'll ever let anyone know. Although we can all tell. Start over, kids. It'll be better next time around.

Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct 22)
"Insert witty quote here."
I think even my cat is aware of how much Libras dislike change. Lily and I were actually discussing this last night. Until she bit me. Again. Anyway, even when it's a good change, the Libras like to cling to old stuff. They'd rather stop up the river, even though they know it's going to flood all those pretty condos on the riverbank. Maybe that's their intention--little hippy fascists. Anyway, it does mean that whatever you're clinging to is going to drive people away. And we ALL know how Libras don't like to see people go away. If someone needs space, give it to them. That's all I'm going to say.


Scorpio
(Oct. 23-November 21)
"It was that 'if you believe in yourself, you can do anything,' kind of thing. Yeah, she wasn't really into that."
Ick. Sorry kids, your reading this week is pretty yucky. You too have found some kind of cesspool that you're kicking around. Our poor little scorpions are feeling all vulnerable and as if they are completely out of control of their lives. Of course, we know you love chaos, but only when you're the one to stir up--and therefore, control--a chaotic situation. Someone has taken the reins of mayhem away from you and are using them against you. I hate it when that happens. This is likely related to a sudden loss of cash. Your ex is taking you for a serious ride, your boss or landlord has decided to thoroughly "f" you over, or you've been dropping all of your paycheck in the bar to deal with related situation. I guess I can't make fun of you this week. It wouldn't be fair. Ride it out, Scorpio. A brilliant idea for retaliation will come to you in a thunderstormy moment when you're lurking in your tower. Soon. But not today. (Sorry.)

Sagittarius
(November 22-December 21)
"Courtney, you are not appropriate for small children."
(True story.)
Sag is having a great week! Lots of creativity! Lots of sex, looks like! Our favorite fire sign is happy all around! So happy, they might go jump over a garbage can and break a limb. Yeah, your warning this week is to slow the fuck down. It's supremely awesome that you're having so much fun with your lover. They're probably the greatest person who ever lived. But don't elope. Not this week, anyway. While you're running around and sloshing oil paint on the living room wall, remember all the times you did that before and got a whole lot on your mom's expensive rug or passed out from all the fumes and hit your head on something when you fell. I'm NOT trying to put a damper on all of your happy happy joy joy. I'm just saying not to push for even more happy-joy. More will come to you, so let's not be greedy, mmkay?


Capricorn
(December 22-January 19)
"Of course I read my horrorscope every week. How else am I supposed to know all the bad things that are going to happen?"
Okay, some goat who shall remain nameless (Capricorn) has taken something someone close to them said--very, very personally. And in the grand tradition of Capricorns, they are dragging everyone into it--except the person who said or did this terrible, terrible thing. It would seriously be in your best interest to confront this person--or situation, whatever the case may be--but be careful not to take their response personally, either. Sometimes, Capricorn, you do this thing, "People make mistakes and people are human--unless it involves me. Then, it was premeditated." In some cases, premeditation may be involved. I don't think it was the case this time around. Let's work on building and healing relationships this week--not necessarily proving who's right and wrong. Then, we can journal about it and it'll be lots of fun.


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb. 18)
"It's just that one department where I feel like a one-legged duck swimming in circles..."
Oooo.....I think I just figured out who pissed off Capricorn....
Aquarius, one of the reasons we all like you so damn much is because you just let things fly by. Including stuff you say. Yes, we know you don't remember what you said yesterday--let alone what you said last week, but it looks as though someone around you took it a little too much to heart. If this is someone close to you, you're going to need to do some feather un-ruffling. It might involve wine or flowers...so hopefully your tax return has come in. Either way, it looks as though you're going to learn something this week and my suspicion is that it will come in the form of needs of a partner or other loved one. And this will lead to you guys growing together! It might even mean sex! So listen well and check in with your people. You could end up in an awesome orgy!!!!!

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
"I, meanwhile, had a dream about a tiny little monkey. Was that you?"
Eek! Pisces had a break through, or a religious epiphany, or some incredible acid trip--I don't know. But it looks like it was pretty damn awesome and I hope they write about it. This has done wonders for you, and we all know you've needed it. The puzzle pieces of the Pisces world (did you see THAT alliteration???) have all come together to create a delightful picture. Now, put your powers to good use. Okay. I'm stopping with the "p's." If this epiphany is accompanied by an idea for a creative project or the beginning of a relationship, or the start of a 3,000 mile journey by foot--keep in mind that the whole thing may take as long as a year to come together, and so when you reach that first bump--don't do your Pisces thing by sitting down and smoking a joint and mulling about how nothing ever works out. Just keep moving and you'll find it gets easier. I mean, you can still smoke a joint, but just don't stop your progress while you're doing it. You're talented, right? You can do both.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

C