Sun in Aries, Moon in Virgo--WHAT????

Big, luscious full moon out tonight, kids! Don't forget, we're still fresh to the realm of Aries and also, this delightful moon is in VIRGO!!! Who can tell me what this means?

(crickets--go.)

The time of Aries means that most of us (and I do mean most, not all...) will feel the pull of our industrious ram friend and peel ourselves off the couch more than usual. We restart our dusty New Year's resolutions, start doing the Spring cleaning thing, start pushing a little more at work. Personally, I painted the kitchen. Part of this is the fresh air and finally melted snow (spring), but it also may have to do with that fiery beast in the sky, nudging our cosmic asses to move a little more.

However, we have a full moon in Virgo.

When the moon is in a certain sign, the people of planet earth will feel the influence of the darker part of that sign. While Virgo has many lovely qualities: the thinker, the wise friend, the Devil's Advocate of the Zodiac we all occasionally want to kill...Virgo is also plagued with over-analyzing of minutia that borders on obsession, paranoia, OCD cleanliness and frigid posture. If this week, you're working extra hard at the office but you're convinced that the co-worker who gave you a quasi-frown is secretly harboring your imminent destruction--chill. If you become obsessed with the removal of a colony of mold on your shower floor--no matter how long you've peacefully lived with said mold--again, just chill. If your friend or partner's underdeveloped thoughts regarding whether 300 is propaganda or comic relief and you want to strangle them with their messenger bag for being such a shallow idiot (the strangling part is the Aries influence...)--please chill. The inconsequential things suddenly bothering the hell out of you are part of this Virgo moon, and Aries' influence has removed all patience from your ordinarily glowing cosmic rays. Give it a week or so. Be thankful it's not a Gemini moon under Aries. Geez.

(FYI. Stupid Blogger ate all the quotes I had for the week. That's not why you read it, anyway. So, here are the Horrorscopes without the Famous Last Cosmic words. xoxo!!!)

Aries (Mar. 21-April 19)
You're working hard for the money, aren't you, sweetie pie? You are not letting anyone distract you from your goals--not even that pesky spouse of yours. Aries, we all admire and wish we had the kick-ass attitude that you do, but when you ignore the rest of us--particularly those of us closest to you--we become resentful. Cosmically speaking, when putting all of your energy into accomplishing one thing, you will undoubtedly fail. Even if you win that cheap-ass trophy you're going for, no one is going to care enough to show up at the awards ceremony. Not even for cheap wine and brie. So, where's the glory in that? (By the way--most trophies are painted. Even the Oscars have little 'real' gold in them.) You're on the verge of burnout, too, by the way. This isn't to say you shouldn't try, just slow down and don't forget the people in your life. We actually do like cheap wine and brie very much and would love to come to your awards ceremony when you get there--but not if you've been a jackass all year. Think about it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Boy. Something is just not going your way, is it? Taurus becomes supremely unhappy when the going way isn't their own. Whether or not it's true--Taurus feels stuck in rut. Frankly, you're simply not being creative enough to get yourself out of this (self-created....) ditch. Can't call for help--phone's out of minutes. Can't climb out--expensive manicure will crack. Stupid partner is at the bar and too wasted to know you're missing--loser. Guess what? This ain't Oz or Disney and no happy endings happen on their own. Can't scream? Sing. Can't walk? Dance. Can't dance? Dance anyway--but not publicly, please. Do something to break up your monotony because no one is going to do it for you. Get over it, Taurus. You'll be glad you took care of yourself because when you're rich and famous and running the world--you'll only have yourself to thank and won't owe anyone drinks.

Gemini(May 21-June 20)
Clearly, you're still having money troubles and clearly, this has made you incredibly unpleasant to be around. Gemini, ye who wear emotions on your billowy sleeves, you also hate being alone and when people don't return your phone calls--you don't just feel lonely, you feel panicked and lost. Stop bitching about your troubles and look for simple do-it-yourself solutions. With a plethora of "Blah-Blah for Dummies" on the market, the only way you won't find a solution is if you don't look for one. If this is a financial issue, and all monkeys seem to agree that it IS...it's going to take quite a while to dig out. However, you will learn new things about yourself in the process! Who knew you'd enjoy a paper route so much? No one could have told you what a great hot dog vendor you make. By George, plasma donation tickles! By the way, Rich and Evil old Uncle won't bite it this week either. However, the following week looks much better for sudden inheritance.

Cancer (June 21-July 22 )
Has anyone ever told us that we have the shittiest name in the whole Zodiac?
Well, we Cancerians are broke this week, too. Again. 'Tis the season for spending all of the tax refund at IKEA. We do want our nests to be pretty, after all. But it's not bothering us. Cancer is in LOVE this week!!! If it's not someone new, we're pining over the MySpace photos of junior-high flames who now live 700+ miles away with lovely spouses and 2.35 charming kids. (Sigh.) It could have been us....Whether this flame is requited or not, Cancerians around the globe are skipping to the gym and gussying it up with red lips and fishnets--determined are we to be the sexiest crustaceans in the pond. However, everyone can see right through our soft-shelled demeanor. We're using pretty-pretties to cover up deep insecurities. That dresser mirror would better be used in a symbolic sense. Maybe we should take a look at who we are, and start fixing ourselves from within. My mom says that will make us prettier on the outside. It's true. Why? Are you arguing with my mom? Shut up. You're a moron and my mom knows everything.

Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd)
ATTENTION ZODIAC. AVOID LEOS THIS WEEK NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO NAIL THEM. THEY ARE PISSED ALL TO HELL AND THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE IT OUT ON US.
Leo. Oh my God. I don't want to know what happened, I don't care to know who did it--so long as it wasn't me. The Lions are so angry, even my bad-ass Flying Monkeys are hiding under the couch. You're pounding your hot little heads into your palms and chanting, "I can't do it again. I don't want to do it again. Why the hell do I have to do it again?" The process of starting over sucks big time, Leo. Even with all of its shiny, pretty rainbows of promise--the nasty storms just prior to those pretty rainbows cause trees to fall on cars and stuff. You are going to have to calm down, friend. It iss a pretty common Leo trait to gloriously panic when the whole world collapses--whether or not it actually collapsed. Unfortunately, it looks as though the world did collapse on Leo this week. But Leos take no time to jump back up and shake that sexy mane, ready to tear the throat out of the next thing in their path. Hang in there through Friday, Leo. I can't promise it'll automatically get better--but at least it will be Friday. In the meantime, pretend you have a migraine and take three days off work. I see no other viable solution.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Is your own full moon affecting you, Virgin Child? It's affecting the hell out of all of us, too. We frankly don't know how you live as a Virgo. Virgo, you have a tendency to let your heads collapse due to chronic over-thinking. I know I make fun of you all the time for that, but this week I'm sincerely worried about the Virgos of the world. Neurosis, addiction and other nasty little monsters will creep out not only from under your bed, but up the kitchen sink and potty too--like in the bad, scary movies. It's all in your head, Virgo. Think of your mind as a house and your obsessive thoughts as black mold. If you let them go too far, you'll get asthma or something. I don't know, I haven't dealt with black mold since I left Oregon. Reach out to your friends. They're worried about you. The Cancers are feeling loving and generous this week--might be a good place to start. This will be the only time I will whore my own sign out for the benefit of others, so get it while it's good. (Psst.....Zodiac! Look! We've distracted Virgo from their thoughts! Leave while they're analyzing the symbolic meaning of mind as house.....)

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Hmm....all kinds of stuff going on here this week. Money problems, which Libra chooses to ignore for the time being--thank you. They're irritated, probably at their partner, best friend, pet rat, whoever. They're not doing anything about it for the time being either. The monkeys say it's because the scales are SO out of whack, they're springing all over the place, but silence will not help them settle. If someone hurt your feelings, you need to say so. If someone pissed you off, you definitely need to say so. Wrapping your frustrations into pretty little coils will cause them to spring back and take some poor bastard's eye out. You'll have to pay for a glass eye and then your money problems will be really bad. You'll be tempted to console your ragged feelings with consumerist therapy. But no matter how lovely the Capitalist sirens sing...don't do it. We all know your credit card bill is a terrifying thing. Don't make it worse.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
What the hell happened? You were BEYOND twitterpated last week, and now you're sulking. Did you get bored with your partner, or did your romantic lurking come off as stalker-ish? Was this a Taurus? Yeah, they're not really into you just showing up at their dentist appointment to bring them toothpaste--even if you were in the neighborhood, and even if it's a (creepily) thoughtful thing to do. So, you tried to make something work, and it didn't. That's life. Take some time to go reflect under a tree or something. That's what Buddha did and it worked out pretty well for him. Since you're Scorpio, you're bound to go brood about this anyway for awhile. Use your powers of reflection for good, not retaliation. I don't think your dumpy feelings will last long, however. I see you back up and prowling bars and bookshops for a new object of desire. You kids never have long between lovers, so don't fret, act pompous or get bitter. Write some poetry. And....were you really into this person? Or was it the chase? These are tricky little questions, I know...but since you're brooding anyway.......

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sag is in six different positions--I mean--directions this week. Gee. What else is new? Oh, Sag. The world is just too pretty and fascinating not to go and stick your grubby fingers in everything. And for once, the world's most overbearing Cancerian is telling you to go ahead. Try some new drugs. Reckless behavior makes our little Sags so very happy. No, really. Have some fun because the drama wagon is coming your way and plans to smother you with everyone else's problems. For those of you who are just joining us, Sag detests drama in a way that's only comparable to a Capricorn's hatred of poverty. When these dumb bastards show up and start polluting your back yard with "wah wah wah's..." you will need to be steady, no matter how much you want to hide from office politics in a bottle of Jim Beam. You're going to be the one playing Mr./Ms. Mediator. It sucks, but we all have to do it sometimes. It's your turn. So, while the going is good, enjoy the pleasures of something illegal. Just don't get caught because I'm turning my phone off and don't have the cash to bail you out, anyway.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Damn. I'm glad I'm not involved with a Capricorn this week. It looks as though our Goat-friends will be doing a lot screaming and hurling of random objects. Capricorn, I may sound condescending, but you do realize this is a wholly counter-productive approach to personal tensions, don't you? Try to remember what your therapist said at your last session, without focusing on what a total moron they are. We think your therapist is a cash-sucking asshole, too--but just pretend they're not for this week, okay? Try really, really hard to be the beautiful and unique snowflake we know you are, and live in joy for the time being. Capricorn, you're perfect in this one moment--right, guys? Capricorn is perfect? The turmoil you're facing is just that--turmoil. And it probably sucks a lot. But let's not make it worse by freaking the fuck out about it. Plus, throwing things at your friends is not the best way to get them to come back and play again.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
This is taking too long. Not the reading, of course. But in Aquarius's mind--hey, what was that? You were all excited about your latest obsession, but when it started to demand...um, commitment, from our charmingly flighty friend--Aquarius wanted to join the Peace Corps. I'm not saying the Peace Corps isn't a fantastic idea. Leave the greedy First World behind, go help the sick and impoverished. I am saying that it will take longer than two weeks to cure the world of sickness and poverty, so you might as well finish the project you started last week here in the Great Satan. All things take time to complete, and they're not always going to be roller skate and chocolate pudding fun. If this project or relationship suddenly imploded just as things were going well, cheer up. Something else will be along to distract you in no time. In fact, I'm not so sure everything did implode. It may have just crinkled a bit. So before you go running off to Botswana or Omaha, take a moment to look at what happened. There may be something you can do to fix it.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Huh. Well, I can't say I'm too surprised. Pisceans found the Spirit this week, guys. That's pretty cool. Some of us would call that being brainwashed--but it can't be that bad when the Fish Kids seem so happy about it. Pisces, you're on a new path. Please don't let it involve drinking someone's Kool-Aid. This new path will require you to abandon the way you relate to others. Your pick-up lines are null and void. (It was time for a fresh set, anyway...) It's not a time to go looking for cash, but you knew that. It's not a time to go looking for sex. You knew that too, but didn't want to admit it. You'll probably go through a few days of feeling completely lost and crave union. The best union you could attain right now is one with yourself. Anyone you start dating right now is probably going to be a soul and cash sucking bitch or bastard and you'll have to start all over again, anyway. If you take this opportunity to commune with your own spirit, you'll probably reach enlightenment by Thursday. Thank God, someone will have the answers around here. I'll even let you take over this Astrology monster I've created.

Dear Llewlyn:
You didn't answer my message last week. Why won't you buy advertising for me? Even my Dad thinks this shit is funny--and he doesn't even like Astrology. If I can get my Sagittarian father to read this, I could part seas with this crap. Think of all the underwater people we'd reach!

xoxo

C