Catchy title required for most Astrological Sense.

Hi everyone! I am amazingly NOT hungover after clicking my glittering high heels and severely grooving to the New York Howl at one fabulous Arian birthday party last night. Got to see those delicious boys THREE TIMES this weekend! Hangover may hit later. This weekend, I've broken one purse (which was a real shame), sprained one finger (which I still don't remember doing), spent nearly $100 on cabs (ouch) and consumed roughly 36 cans of PBR and Budweiser (yummy). Okay, the latter two are mild exaggerations, but I assure you that I did break my purse and sprain my finger--although I don't remember it happening. Yet, I'm still here to give you all the answers to the mysteries of the Universe!

Thank you all for reading this site so diligently!!! As much as I growl, it's kind of flattering to have panicked MySpace messages, emails and Gmail IMs saying WHERE ARE THE HORRORSCOPES????? first thing Monday morning. As soon as I'm famous, I'm buying all of you lunch.

Welcome to the week of April 9th-15th!!!

Aries (Mar. 21-April 19)
Stupid blogger. I wrote a great reading for you, and it ate it!!! I’m going to try to reconstruct what I wrote. The shit thoroughly hit the fan for Aries last week, but no matter how bad the ride got, they didn’t get off and they didn’t kill anyone. It’s an inspiration to the rest of the zodiac, all of whom let their houses burn down with them still in them. However, Aries has started doing their “bottle the friggin’ emotions” until they’re all rusty on the inside thing. Or until they “go punch a hole” in the wall thing. Look, Aries. Shit Happening is a part of life. You can’t get mad at life for it. Life can’t help that. The good news is that the coming week will provide some safe, pleasant padded room time for the nervous breakdown you’ve been wanting to have. (Funny Aries trivia of the week: Ask an Aries if they’re a typical Aries. Bet you five dollars the Aries will say no.)

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus loves to do stuff. Taurus is talented at lots of things and fun to bring to lots of things. Taurus doesn’t like to sit home while everyone else is having a good time—unless they’re doing too much. Taurus, you know you freak out when you’ve got too much going on. You’re not disappointing anyone by staying home a night this week or saying no to another project that doesn’t pay. You need to take it easy this week because you’ve got a major shift coming. I mean major shift—as in, partner gets laid off, partner gets knocked up, best friend divorces and moves into your living room. Yeah. You’re going to feel like no one understands you and that no one knows what you’re going through. It’s not that we don’t understand or listening to you—most of us have had best friends set up their lives in our living rooms—it’s that we’re all going to be extra busy this week. Don’t get mad at us. We are listening.

Gemini(May 21-June 20)
What the hell happened? Why are you freaking out? You finally got some cash, even if it’s not all that you wanted. We all want you to calm down because you’re driving us all crazy. No one is out to get you. Not even Scorpio. If you refuse to calm down, I suggest getting out to a club before the weekend and dance some of that shit out. You’re not trapped in a basement, cage or dungeon. If you’re into that stuff, you LIKE cages and dungeons and are not being held against your will. Unless you like being held against your will. Which in that case, you’re still not really trapped. Shit. I’m getting confused. Damn you and your double lives. Ah, well. I’m not too worried. You’re going to flip a switch around Wednesday, lunchtime, I think. And you’ll be all happy-skippy-jumpy and annoying the hell out of your co-workers. It’s okay. We like you better that way.

Cancer (June 21-July 22 )
Wee!!! Happy happy Cancers are we! I don’t know about the rest of the Moon Children, but I couldn’t stop laughing this week! It’s a good week to start scoping out new ways to make some cash. Hey! We could do the Capricorn thing and selling our dirty underwear on the internet! It could be lucrative. CancerPanties.com. Um…that doesn’t have a good ring to it. It’s also a good week to talk to God. Or Goddess. Or Higher Self. Time to take stock of the spiritual life as well as the monetary. We know it’s an ongoing Cancerian battle to get a grip on the emotional yo-yo. When we start to feel wonky and wobbly this week, we’ve got to keep it in and work through it ourselves. We run a high risk of annoying the crap out of everyone around us. Monday, we’re happy. Tuesday, we suck. Wednesday, our lives are futile attempts at nothingness. STOP!!! Listen to that sweet little voice within. I’m trying really hard, except my inner voice whines a lot.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Ah! Someone has embarked on a healthy new endeavor! We like it when Leos are hard at work. They’re happy little critters when they’re up to their elbows in a project they love. Knowing Leo, it probably has to do with performance, paint or Play-Doe. Or taking over a small nation. They like doing that, too. Leo, I’m happy to report that the path this week is free of pirates and other scallywags. I know there was a panic button pushed last week, but that wasn’t my fault. Or yours, either. Blame the fucking stars, man. Anyway, the downside is that if you’re looking for love, it’s not going to happen this week. Don’t take that to mean you’re going to be unhappily single for all time. Just this week. What they hell? Why are you unhappily single? Go stay out at a party until 5 a.m. and be glad you don’t have to check in with anyone. Or call me! I’ll go dancing with you. If you’re in a relationship, don’t let your deep-rooted insecurities choke you if your partner seems distant. Talk to them. If they’re not in the mood to talk, give them space. No imminent breakups on the horizon. You can always call me! I’ll go dancing with you. And I promise not to hit on you. Too much.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
It hurts me to see you this way, my Virgin Child. In a lot of ways, you’re on top of the world. Some sort of financial success occurred—pseudo or otherwise. You’re feeling remotely optimistic about the future. However, you didn’t learn from a past mistake. Perhaps you didn’t even realize you were making it, but you need to wake up. If this regards a relationship, demand changes or get the fuck out. I’ve got some wizdumb to impart. No one ever picks the one who waits for them. I repeat. NO ONE. EV-ER. PICKS THE ONE WHO WAITS FOR THEM. You may be the coolest, hippest dude or chick who ever lived, but if you’re hung up on someone and waiting for them to come around—they won’t. People just don’t do that. In the rare exceptions to this clause, the person will feel as though they settled, and you’re too good for that. Have some goddamn respect for yourself. Pack it up and move on to the next one. Trust me, baby. I’ve been there. ;)

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Can I just take a moment and say how much I love the way Libra lets shit go so quickly? Even when they’re completely freaked out, as soon as the problem is solved, they forget it ever happened. As Queen of Not Letting Shit Go Ever, I respect and admire Libras all over. Wow. Libras are titty-deep in emotions this week in regards to, of course, relationships. Looks as though for most of them, these are good emotions. For some, it may be pressing repeat on Arcade Fire’s Crown of Love. (Eek.) No matter which side of the love scale you’re on, don’t drown in your emotions this week. This time, the drama wagon is coming your way! We’re trying to give Sagittarius a break. It’s going to make for a lot of super-annoying interruptions in things you’d rather be doing. When you’re having to deal with evil Step-Parent making your Blood Parent unhappy, help as you can, but know you probably won’t win the battle. It’s not your shit to fix, first of all. Second, people don’t always fix their own shit in the way you think they should. Nothing you can do about that!

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Where are you guys? I haven’t seen or heard from my Scorpios in awhile. They’re either lurking in their towers, plotting my death again, or lurking in a smoky bar drowning their sorrows—and plotting my death. Again. Ah! The monkeys have explained it. Scorpio is hiding out because they’re all broke. Ooh. Well, we’ve all been there, doll-face! They’re also none too happy because they’re not getting the power and recognition they deserve. You all probably don’t deserve it, but the majority of Scorpios questing for prestige this week have global concerns as well as personal. You probably do have a better economic plan for the small nation your army is taking over, than the moron currently in charge. However, your need to search and destroy this one particular person is inhibiting your creative self. Enable that ironic smile of yours. This person or situation is going to self destruct, you won’t even have to lift a finger. God, I hope it’s not me. When the dust settles, you’ll be able to move in and set up the utopia colony for which you’ve researched and studied and planned. And we’ll all live happily ever after. The end.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
I wish everyone could have heard the conversation my two Sagittarians co-workers had this week! They both said, pretty much at the same time, “Astrology can be applied to anything, don’t you think? Don’t you think the descriptions of the signs can be tailored to anyone? But, yeah. Personal drama sucks.” Then, they looked at each other and laughed. Sag, if you’re trying to get knocked up (WHAT??????), it’s not going to happen this week. For those of you determined to stay barren for the time being, the super-cool change or thing you’ve been waiting to have happen, isn’t going to happen this week. Sorry. Wait! This reading isn’t going to completely suck. While you may feel kind of stuck-in-a-rut for the time being, you’re going to be surrounded by lots and lots of sweet, sweet LOVE!!!! Suck it in and enjoy it for the rest of us! The Universe is trying to teach the Archers patience this week—and that in itself shall be your reward. Not as cool as a pony, I know, but I don’t control your destiny. Drink in the love and ignore the fact that you don’t have all the things you want. That’s not a bad reading, right? It’s better than last week, isn’t it? Damn Cancerian insecurities….

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Look, babe. We know you’re upset. You have every reason to be pissed all to hell. I’d be pissed too if that shit happened to me! Now, don’t get angry because the rest of the world isn’t angry. We can feel for you without actually having to join you in your fury. Now, the best way for you to deal with the frustrating thing is to focus on something else. Work, creative endeavors, household repairs. I know some Capricorns last week are angry because of one of those items. At least you have two other options. It’s actually going to be a break-through week for Capricorn—business and/or creatively speaking. They’re going to end this week looking back on mentioned drama with an ironic smile. They didn’t let it destroy them. You guys are so much more sturdy than you give yourselves credit for. You’re going to be given a blank canvas to do all kinds of cool stuff. Do it and invite us all over to look at it.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Uh oh. Aquarius, I regret to inform you that this week is going to suck in a monstrous form. All signs of the Zodiac have personal demons and ickies, and occasionally we’re face to face with them. This week, baby, it’s you. Don’t disappear into you. We all care about you and want to help. Facing your nasties does not spell D-E-S-T-R-U-C-T-I-O-N. Maybe I shouldn’t have typed that, I’m afraid you’re only focusing on the word in caps and not reading the rest of this. Disruption takes many forms, but it’s all timely. You need to face that which you’ve been hiding from. Keep talking, keep open. When the dust settles, you’ll find that you’re a stronger, fully person—with several loving hands to hold! Okay. I want to stop sounding like a New Age barker. In other good news, you’re going to find a couple of healthy distractions that will start you on some new projects that are going to be lots of fun and full of bunnies and sunshine. I just typed sunSHITE by accident. That’s pretty funny. See the humor in a fuck-up? There’s hope for you, yet.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Ooh. Another ew-ey reading. Well, fish-friend, the good news is that the bad news is all in your head. No one is bent on your demise this week. You do have some mental garbage to take out and probably a lot of tears to cry, but other than that, you’re doing pretty okay. I don’t see any serious financial hardships or nasty drama wagons. I’m stirring the cauldron and looking for some good news…friendship! While you may not have a gob of people making stupid faces at you to cheer you up, you do have a couple of close friends nearby who love you very much and are there to help. I always want to help my Pisces friends. However, most of this you’re going to have to work through alone—as is your way, anyway. Discarding old habits, eliminating dead relationships, severing gangrene limbs, it’s all timely! (Timely. The only way to make a bad horrorscope better.) Remember that people are there for you when you’re ready to take their help. Xoxoxo

Happy Easter! Do you know what this means? Only three weeks to Beltaine!!! :D!!!