Two weeks ago, I wrote about a big fat full moon in Virgo. It has come to my attention that the full moon was actually in Libra. (Hence, the amateur astrologer component…) My most sincere apologies to anyone whose lives were obscenely screwed by my misinformation, and my sincere thanks to the Baron for the correction. I will never be wrong again.
Now that I’ve completely slaughtered your faith in my astrologer abilities…
We’ve got a new moon in Taurus this week! That’s right, and we’re still under the hooves of the Aries sun. Before you start to ignore this, keep in mind that the new moon is an excellent time for getting rid of the nasty old and embracing new stuff. If you work it just right, you can plant the proverbial seeds of things to come over the next two weeks! Since you’ll be feeling the ambition and determination of the Aries, think about using it to your Taurus advantage. Taurus moons are good times to get your house in order. If you’re really nice, and the weather’s not too bad, you might be able to convince your ridiculously cute neighbor to help you dump your twice-used stationary bike at the Goodwill. Because they’ll be feeling the ambitious Aries sun and home-protective Taurus moon, they’ll be more than happy to help. Then, you should order dinner in to thank him or her for their good deeds, and then do the nasty and blog it so we can all get the details. See, kids! It’s going to be a great week.
Practical answers to your deepest spiritual and philosophical questions: for the week of April 15-21!!!
Aries (Mar. 21-April 19)
Well, Ram friends, I’ve got to say that this month provided a hell of a lotta fabulous birthday parties—so thank you all for being born. My monkeys are sorry to report that it’s not going to be a fun week. Stop! Don’t scream at me, yet. It’s not going to be a bad week. You just won’t have as much Playstation time as you’d like because you’re going to have to put that pain in the ass you know as bf/gf/husband/wife/dungeon mistress/slave boy person in line. No partner? I’m sure you have friends crawling up your spine. It’s time for fresh, open communication and this needs not to involve shouting, okay? Every time you have to deal with something annoying, you spend half of your energy wondering why. Stop wondering. The only certainties in life are death, taxes and your loved ones’ irritating habits. Fortunately, the last one can be addressed.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Hm…illness at the hands of a lover is the reading for this week. Taurus is quite unhappy. Their own new moon will find them curled up in the fetal position on couches across the universe: stricken with Love Flu. Don’t worry, baby. It happens and it passes. I’m hoping your partner gave you too much alcohol on a raucous romp on the town last night, and not a meanie heart-bruising. In either case, drink plenty of cozy, soothing teas and keep a bucket nearby—for the vomit as well as the tears. Both are important. It’s going to be all sun-shiny again in no time. I mean, your girlfriend didn’t dump you solely because you made out with her brother last night…I’m sure she has commitment issues as well (?). Forgiving yourself for brash or drunken actions is the first step to renewal. Eventually, the lover will forgive too. If not complete reunion, there’s friendship potential. If not friendship, this person will eventually need to borrow money. See? It all works out lovely in the end.
Gemini(May 21-June 20)
My sister priestess is in town this week, everyone! Triple-Gemini Earth-Loving mama who wears goat cloves on anklets: one all in black, one all in white to celebrate her duality. She was on her way to Ireland and stopped in New York for a night to see me, when she came down with a nasty ear infection. Her trip was delayed by a week as a result. At first, she was quite upset for having to cut into her vacation, but she soon realized that an unexpected week in New York City could provide a whole different kind of adventure! Which, it did. Oh, yes. We’ve had an adventure. Geminis across the cosmos, take advice from your Queen Gemini Leader: Follow the “Weeee!!” plan. When your initial escapade falls through, don’t throw a tantrum. Shake your cloven anklets and embrace the alternative adventure hurdling your way. You won’t be able to avoid it, so you might as well enjoy the ride!
Cancer (June 21-July 22 )
While we’ve received this warning several times before….guess what? The monkeys want us to have it again. When we ignore our initial instincts, we could end up as someone’s basement experiment. That’s a worst case scenario. What’s more likely to happen is that we don’t speak up about what’s grating on us for reasons of being nice, only to let it fester, and then we turn into nasty, crabby bitches and that truly isn’t pleasant. Let’s all try really hard this week to speak from our warm, overly-sensitive hearts; particularly when it comes to our hearts’ keyholders. Also, don’t get too pissy about past yuckies. Yes. The past includes yesterday as well as this morning. The Universe will provide swift retribution to those who are mean. If we’re lucky, we get to watch!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Lust and conquest, lust and conquest. Always gotta be this way with you, doesn’t it? Whether it’s a lover, cash prize or your kid’s campfire candy sales, you’re not going to win this one, so chill your hot pants down. Feel free to mope, just don’t expect heaps of sympathy. Everyone else is going to be quite busy this week. The good news about a momentary set back is that a bruised ego grows back stronger. Embrace your inadequacies and make love to your failures. Might as well, you know? You’re going to get another opportunity to score with that hottie. Of course, by then you’ll probably have moved on to another lust and conquest, but if you decide to move on this opportunity when it rears its sheepish head again, be sure to take it slowly next time around. Patience is not only a virtue, it’s a necessary component to making things work smoothly. When the hell did I become a zen-wannabe? Someone wake me out of this, please!!!!!!!! Shit.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
On request of several unhappy Virgos, I’ve hereby spanked several flying monkeys until they came up with a better reading. It worked, sort of. Creative blocks. Financial deadweight. Unreturned phone calls. Pickup lines deflating before even leaving the mouth. It’s not all bad, baby. Go back to your favorite drawing board and over-think a new plan. This time, I highly encourage you to do just that. This stagnant period is only temporary. By Thursday, you’re going to be pulled in roughly 300 different directions by those crazy peeps you call friends. And while the master plans you’ve been developing were meant for something else, they’re actually going to come in handy in whatever zany adventure your people draw you into. While you’re in this drab period, remember that only when the power goes out do we remember how to use the fuse box. Ability to use the fuse box is a strength. Obliterating the darkness=strength! That’s good news! Now, leave me alone.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Your fortune has changed! There’s money involved….one Libra I know just got a major promotion!!! (Congrats, Tippy-head!!!) This is good news—obviously. Less obvious is that you’re still not in the power seat of world domination. Now, we all know that Libras don’t necessarily need power, they just want everyone to do exactly what they think is right. Not everyone is going to listen to your perfect, profound advice. Nor should they. Only from our fuck-ups do ever learn anything. How about, instead of meddling with everyone else, focus on cultivating these new found resources? Invest in au p-and-coming websites. One that is certain to be a major draw is www.astrologyexplained.blogspot.com. What? It’s a suggestion. Anyway, there is still something in your life that needs closure. Instead of doing the Libra thing and obsessing about the non-closure, without actually going and doing it yourself—um….just go get the closure done, okay? Lots of cool stuff is coming your way, so don’t miss any of it by getting locked up in your pretty head.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
I say with all sincerity the I’m happy that Scorpios of the Cosmos survived last week. Still haven’t seen much of you guys recently, so I hope nothing too terrible has happened. Hmm…things still not working the way you want them to. The proverbial “ah-HA!” still hasn’t happened. I mean, you can always ask your friend to hold a lightbulb over your head, to encourage it to happen. I don’t know if it will help, but it will amuse the rest of us. Roadblocks happen, dude. It’s just the way of things. I think you’re making the wise decision to wait it out in your Fortress of Solitude. Not that we don’t all miss you terribly, but you were kind of making us nervous for awhile. Go with your instincts. Trust them, since you obviously feel you can trust anyone else right now. That might stimulate some real, “ah-HA’s!” which will be followed by hearty “Bwah-ha-ha’s…..”
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sag is living is up this week! There has just been too much cool shit going on for them to sit at home and focus on mundane things like, reality. We don’t blame you. There was an awful lot of drama going on there for awhile. Just keep in mind your past mistakes. Following a bottle of red with a bottle of Jack will cause severe physical discomfort—if not a trip to the ER. You’re growing and maturing, as much as you loath to admit it. Don’t blot out all the yuck. It’s necessary in order to appreciate the delightful. Sometimes, the earth shakes. That’s normal. It’s called Teutonic plate movements. Now, while the rest of the Zodiac may be clutching their possessions and hiding under doorways, Sagittarius is shouting, “Woo-Hoo! I’m feeling the earth move!!!” Wouldn’t it be lovely if we all could adopt that carefree spirit? Except, Sag…earthquakes are fun, but not if you’re standing where your roof could fall on your head. Move to a safe place before surfing the earth’s waves. Then, you can dance all night.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
My lovely little goat-friends…you are going to be required this week to be the voice of wisdom for the whole world. We’re all falling the fuck apart and desperately need you to put us back together. You—being Capricorn—will of course want to bring all of your passion and emotion into whatever situation is presented to you, whether it’s prudent or necessary for you to do so. You waste energy when you do that, friend. Not only that, you scare the hell out of the person who came to you for help. Capricorns have a bad habit of dispersing their energies and ending up with the flu—which is what happens when you waste energy. It’s bad for the body and soul. So, don’t do that. It won’t be helpful to anyone. Don’t let this new-found position go to your head, and don’t create enemies for other people. Take that earthy passion you so have in abundance and build an orphanage or something. Be calm and steady when others approach you for help. We need you balanced. We’ll balance you on the next go-round.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
I really hope I didn’t lose any Aquarius subscribers as a result of last week’s reading. It looks as though this week will be far less bumpy. Awfully nice of the Universe to give you a break! The beginnings of a new relationship are at hand, or a new turning point in a current around the corner. Careful with the shiny objects—don’t get too distracted. Careful with the entertainment—don’t get sucked back into someone else’s drama. Often when we come out of a dark time, we’re just like those who come out of a long illness. We’re happy to feel so much better, but we still kind of feel like shit. Be careful with yourself. Might be a good idea to exchange a night at the club for a night at home with the fingerpaints. Just as expressive, a lot cheaper, and you stand a far slimmer chance of getting slipped a roofie again. Plus, might provide some extra cuddle time with this special someone….
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Oh, dear. Pisces has slipped from reality again. Quick! Someone normal do acid and go find them on the astral plane. We need them back—stat. Really, friend. Instead of completing that which needed completion so desperately, you hid in your bad habits. It gets toughest just before the very end. Drawing back at this point will only make completion harder when you try again—and increase your bar tab to the point of credit card cancellation. It’s not as treacherous as you think. There will be far more goblins in your acid trip than in the simple conversation you need to have. Now, if you’re smoking pot instead of cleaning out your closet…well, you might be safer with that. Water-sign hoarding (shudder…shudder…shudder….) Be careful with the judgments you bring to your situations. Remember that parable: “When you assume, you make an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’?” Fuck that, I think it sucks, too. But watch your judgments.
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