Hail to your friends…the GEMINI TWINS!!!

Ah, June. School’s finally out—if you’re into that. Work slows down for a lot of us doing the 9-5 since most people are fleeing to the coasts. Or…work finally speeds the hell up for those of us who depend on the summer months for the majority of our incomes! In all situations, hooray! But hooray most of all for the birthdays of the glorious Gemini Twins! They throw fabulous parties.

Yes, kids. It’s time to celebrate the births of the fast talking, brightly spirited rogues and rebels we know as Gemini. If you don’t have any Gemini friends, I’m pretty sure your social circle sucks. These little imps are the spicy jewels necessary to keep the conversation running. Ruled by the planet Mercury (named for the trickster/messenger God of communication), not only are they the ones to always have a story to tell—they’re also the ones who will play Diplomat and reconcile differences between those friends of yours who periodically stop speaking to one another. They’re absolutely essential for those of us who like to play Switzerland in these situations.

Lovers of words and thoughts, Geminis are often writers, but would prefer the blog to the private journal beneath the mattress. They like to share thoughts and ideas and are quick to soak up the ideas of others, more often incorporating them into their own as a brand new idea merged of two is preferable to an argument over who’s right. Many Geminis find themselves working in the television or radio stations, or in any medium where thoughts can be honed and shared. Mercury also governs the scholastics, and job wise, many Geminis will find themselves quite at home in the lecture hall or classroom. Gemini loves to learn more than Gemini loves to be in charge and is more concerned with learning than with being the smartest ass in the room. That bright, nutty professor with seventeen degrees in subjects that have no relation to one another? Probably a Gemini. Good listeners and quick to forgive, Geminis generally have numerous healthy friendships.

Geminis are too damn smart and too easily bored to have less than six practicing interests at any one time. Leisure time is spent fixing something—broken or not. If you have a Gemini kid, keep crayons or play-doh or something nearby all the time. Plugging them into a DVD will not work. They are active creatures who need constant, physical or mental stimulation, or they will start climbing roofs or something.

Nowhere is this more true than in their relationships. Geminis can expect to have several partners in their lifetimes, due to this head-snapping trait they have of always looking for the next fascinating specimen. If you’re a poly-amorous type, a Gemini would be great company. If you’ve always wondered about that orgy thing…your Gemini won’t just go along, they’re also the most likely to fully enjoy the experience, viewing the inclusion of extra lovers as “the more the merrier!” and would be less inclined to feel jealousy. However, they would need to know that they are indeed the primary partner (if they are, that is…) because although they are fiercely social and dynamically independent seeming creatures, remember that their sign is a pair of naked brats. Most Geminis spend their lives feeling that they are without their soul-mate and part of their chronic searching is for that better-ish half. If you are dating a Gemini and would like to keep them around and keep them from whining, remind them how completely awesome they are on a regular basis and be prepared to drop your extra-lover time in a moment’s notice if they need you. As a whole, though, Gemini will love the company of your friends and family and don’t feel inclined to be jealous of them if you run off to spend time with them.

(Please note: not ALL Geminis are poly-amorous. Not all would be into orgies. Sister Mary Manhattan takes no responsibility for any trouble you get yourself into if you approach the wrong Gemini with these ideas.)

Unfortunately, most Geminis do not find what they’re looking for. Geminis have to work on being present and striving to find the gifts in what they already have to minimize these “missing out on something better” feelings. Even if it was sitting right in front of them and barking up to high Hell, they’d probably look right past it, saying, “Couldn’t possibly be it. I KNOW that Hell Hound has to be fiercer...” Of course, this leads to thoroughly fascinating, although excruciatingly frustrating lives for themselves and pretty much everyone else around them, too. Gemini often feels taken for granted or taken advantage of. That’s because they often are taken for such things—their generous and trusting natures too often used against them. Oh yeah. And the personality shift thing. An unhealthy Gemini may appear bi-polar or seem to carry around a lot of multiple personalities. By focusing on completing the brilliant projects they’ve begun, or pulling that pretty sheen off everything they see, Geminis can lead extremely fulfilling, pulp-novel worthy lives the rest of us envy!

With that, Sister Mary sends a big, fat HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY to the Geminis of the Convent of Sensual Salvation: Tiffster the Hipster, the Irreverant Lady Miss Fern de Fay, Flipster, Andrew Katz of the Smokin’ Howl Boys, Foster (aka One Of The Sexiest Men Of All Eternity) and Altar Boy Jimmy: instrumental in making the Ass-tro Hour happen.
Okay, kids. Time for a slight change of pace….

For the week of June 11-17…you each get a Runestone to meditate on! After months of me telling you why you’re such a crazy bitch or bastard, you get to hear what you can do to fix it!!! Or how you plan to ignore it. Depending on your sign.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Berkana: Growth
A rune that leads to blossoming and ripening, Berkana is concerned with the flow of beings into their new forms. Its action is gentle, penetrating and pervasive.
Penetrating. Can’t be all bad.
Can’t hold back the tide, Aries. Can’t do all kinds of cliché catch phrases that basically mean: you do not hold the reins of the world and you never, ever will. Argumentative Aries is reading my interpretation and saying, “I don’t think it means that, Sister Mary.” Well, fuck. Even if it doesn’t, you just can’t control what is not yours to control. Besides, things of quality take awhile. Look at fast food versus roast turkey. If you say fast food is better, your priorities are screwed. Think about it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Gebo: Partnership
A partnership is at hand. In love relationships, in business matters, in partnering of every kind, you are put on notice not to collapse yourself into that union. For true partnership is achieved only by separation, even as they unite. Remember to let the winds of Heaven dance between you.
Hear that, Taurus? You’ve got a new lover—so don’t get upset if they don’t call. You never know who died. That sounds dark, but it’s true. Give the person the benefit of the doubt. Co-dependence has never been healthy, it’s more like your Spenda addiction. Tastes real sweet, but we’ll probably hear soon that it fuses to your kidneys and causes scary kinds of cancer. Drink water to keep things flowing. And give your lover (almost typed liver. There must be something to that.) some space.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Ehwaz: Movement (reversed)
Movement that appears to block. Ehwaz-reversed cautions that you e certain that what you are doing—or not doing—is timely. There are no missed opportunities. You have to simply realize that not all opportunities are open to you, that not all opportunities are appropriate. The opportunity at hand may be precisely to avoid action.
Ha ha ha!!! Just like I said. You are not missing out on anything, crack-head. That person you’ve been messaging on eHarmony—who has suddenly stopped responding and you’re all upset about it? They’re probably a crack-head, too. You’re saying, “But we had this connection…” No you didn’t. You never even met this person. In fact, they probably work for eHarmony and are paid to lead people on just to keep their subscriptions rolling. They’re dealing with enormous guilt at having to lead you on, but hey—they’ve got to feed their illegitimate children somehow. It’s better than hooking. Quit wasting your money on internet dating, anyway.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Algiz: Protection
Control of the emotions is at issue here. During times of transition, shifts in life course and accelerated self-change, it is important not to collapse yourself into your emotions, the highs as well as the lows. New opportunities and challenges are typical of this Rune. And with them may come trespasses and unwanted influences.
Oh, fuck THAT shit. I’m going to cry as much as I want about whatever I want to and I encourage all Cancerians to do the very same. Collapsing into our lows is quite healthy, thank you very much. Ice cream has calcium and calcium builds bones. Alcohol is cleansing. It’s an internal antiseptic. Fine. We won’t take it out on anyone else. Don’t worry Cancerians. As I’ve said before, they don’t understand us and they never will. You guys can come over and we can nit-pick all of Their faults and enable each others’ wounds. Bring pizza. And tissues.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Uruz: Strength (reversed)
Without ears to hear and eyes to see, you may fail to take advantage of the moment. The result could well be an opportunity missed or the weakening of your position. It may seem that your own strength is being used against you.
Who? Who fucked with my Leos? I hate them.
Eh.
Part of your cycle of crash, rise triumphant, crash again. Don’t treat all failures the same. Sorry. Didn’t mean to use the f word. You didn’t fail. They failed you. That’s right. They were just being mean and taking out their bad insecurities on you. Yes, Leo. No one is as awesome as you. It didn’t suck nearly as bad as you think it did. Fuck. Didn’t I just say this to you, last week? And the week before? What is it with you? No, that’s enough. I’m stopping this reading now.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Berkana: Growth (reversed)
Berkana reversed indicates that events or, more likely, aspects of character interfere with the growth of new life. You may feel dismay at failing to take right action. But rather than dismay, what is called for here is diligence. Examine what has occurred, your role in it, your needs, the needs of other people. Are you placing your wants before the needs of others?
Hmmm? Are you? Hmmm? Virgo, we could all stand to learn from your example. You’re brilliant, you’re perfect, blah blah-de-blah. But you climbing up on that goddamned pulpit makes us less inclined to listen to you. There is nothing you can do to stop the madness. We are all perfectly capable of making our own mistakes. In fact, some of us make them two or three times just to make sure we did them wrong enough. Let us run around into some brick walls a few times. If you stand there and lecture us, I guarantee we’re just going to do it anyway. And then we’ll blame you. Go away. Eat a bagel or something. You look pale.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Othila: Separation (reversed)
Othila reversed cautions that this is not a time to be bound by old conditioning, old authority. Consider not only what will benefit you but what will benefit others, and act according to the light you possess no in your life. Because you may be called upon to undertake a radical departure from old ways, total honesty is required. Otherwise, through negligence or refusal to see clearly, you may cause pain to others and damage to yourself.
I just want to send you to Virgo’s reading. But I know you’ll pout if you don’t get your own. Just stay out of it. No, really. Don’t get involved. It’s not your place; they’re not going to listen to you, anyway. Go take Virgo out for a milkshake and you can both argue about what everyone else should be doing. The rest of us will videotape and take bets on exactly how long it’s going to take Libra to chuck that milkshake down the front of Virgo’s buttoned-down shirt. It’s good to leave people to their own vices. (No, that was not a typ-o. I said vice, and meant it.) Oh, yeah. And the honesty thing. I think you should hold a press conference for all of your friends and say to them that you ARE removing yourself from the situation, and give a PowerPoint presentation as to WHY. They won’t listen, as I said before, but they’ll enjoy the pretty colors on the slides and you’ll at least feel settled inside.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Dagaz: Breakthrough
A major shift or breakthrough in the process of self-change, a complete transformation in attitude, a 180 degree turn. For some, the transition is so radical that they are not longer able to live the ordinary life in the ordinary way.
Holy shit! Does this mean that Scorpio is finally going to stop twitching their mustaches and quit being so paranoid and drop all of their plans for murdering the human race and setting up a colony where they, solely, are the Queens of everything? Is it possible that they are not going to take this reading personally, for once? I highly doubt that. But they may crack a book that will at least give them a whiff of euphoric Eureka. That’s promising. The rest of us will enjoy a drama-free week, as the Scorpios of the Universe will be too busy pondering their new-found thoughts. They’ll never read my blog again…since they think they know everything. Nah, that’s a lie. They’ll be back next week, just to see what I’m saying about them.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Fehu: Possessions
A Rune of fulfillment: ambition satisfied, love shared, rewards received. It promises nourishment from the most worldly to the sacred and the Divine. For if the ancient principle, “As above so below” holds true, then we are also here to nourish God.
Nourish God. What does that mean? What do you think God could possibly eat? Does she crave thick, dark chocolate at the full moon? Does she take her steak rare? Is this beginning to sound like dirty Shel Silverstein? (I do hope so.) Think about God wanting a nice, comfy break and you’re the only one to give it to her. How would you treat God if she walked into your living room? Don’t answer. We don’t care. We want to know about this “Possessions” thing and if you’ll finally have all the cash you need to pay us all back. THAT’S what your zodiac brethren want to know.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Nauthiz: Constraint (reversed)
As part of the Cycle of Initiation, Nauthiz Reversed is the great teacher disguised as the bringer of pain and limitation. It has been said that only at the moment of greatest darkness to we become aware of the light within and come to recognize the true creative power of the self.
Cheer up. You had the best week out of all of us, last week. While you’re locked up in that delicately padded room, try to quit blaming others. Your shrieking keeps up the other inmates and drastically diminishes your chances of time off for good behavior. Something you did, intentional or not, put you in this position—even if it was merely a negative mindset. Sure, everyone else helped… but we are always the creator of our own destruction. Aren’t we? That’s what the monkeys keep telling me when I light the carpet on fire. I was the one who lit the candles, after all. And I’m not even a Capricorn. But as your polar opposite, I can see clearly where you need to shape up. Tuck that lip in, take responsibility, smile at the guards and show a little leg. You’ll be back on the street freaking out the tourists before you know it.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Jera: Harvest
A Rune of beneficial outcomes, Jera applies to any activity or endeavor to which you are committed. Be aware, however, that no quick results can be expected. A span of time is usually involved; hence the key words “One Year,” symbolizing a full cycle before the reaping, the harvest or deliverance.
Well, it’s a nice thought, anyway. Except Aquarius never made a good farmer. Great fertilizer, maybe. Not comparing you to cow shit, mind you—but saying you’re good at planting and watering. But you’ll be off on your next adventure before you even see the shoots pop up. If you’re really crazy, you might go try to pull at them to make them grow a little faster. What are you in such a hurry for? Don’t you know that sitting on the front porch in a rocker drinking sweet tea and watching the grass grow is one of the best things ever? When the grass finally grows, you can dry it out and sell it in baggies to unsuspecting high schoolers. They’ll never know the difference.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Inguz: FertilityThis Rune is akin to the moon, the intuitive part of our nature, with its urge toward harmonizing and adjusting in the sphere of personal relationships. Inguz embodies the need to share, the yearning to be desired, a search after similiarities.
You’re sure you didn’t knock someone up? Just checking, because…it did say fertility and all. I guess things are going to go pretty well for Pisces this week. Moonlight and roses. Go ahead and trust the nice time. It’s not going anywhere. Well, that’s a lie. Of course it’s temporary—as everything is—but take a chance, ye curmudgeon, that the good thing you have is not only real, but that you are indeed as deserving of it as the rest of we assholes. Pretty pretty doesn’t always bite.

Okay. Sister Mary is exhausted and retiring to her chambers. Who’s going to join her?