Now that we’re officially into the realm of Gemini, now is when I would normally celebrate the fine qualities of our friends, the Twins…but I am currently on a mission trip in the wilds of
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SMM
Aries (March 21-April 19)
I don’t want you guys getting pissed at me. Your acting like a jackass was NOT my fault, and neither is this reading. Waving your middle finger at your co-workers at the staff meeting last week is what got you reprimanded, if not fired. If you didn’t get fired last week for your inane reactions to authority, lay low. But I’m seeing that most Aries this week are going to be browsing Craigslist for new places of employment, whether they got canned or not. Although most of the signs would agree that you probably didn’t exercise the best judgment (most of them would have said to the boss, “I’m not sure I agree…” instead of “You F*CKING moron!!!”), and least you practiced honesty and Sister Mary is proud of you. You’re not wrong in feeling optimistic about your decision, but do expect that it’s not going to be easy. You’ll probably find yourself pulling out handfuls of hair from your head upon receiving six dozen “Dear Applicant: No Further Positions Blah Blah…” messages in your inbox. Please don’t take it out on the rest of us. Starting over time is crappy—but temporary.
Oh dear. I’m sorry to hear about the massive invasion of whatever into your realm. Lousy. Crappy. Please stop talking about it. You’re not making the situation any better. In fact, the monkeys are saying that most of the issue is already resolved, but as per usual, you’re still angry about it because you didn’t get your digs in. My suggestion is for you to call in sick at least two of the five days in the coming week, sit on your couch with your slippers on and stare at your “24” DVDs for awhile. Sit, simmer, cook that shit out of your system before returning to the rest of the world. Despite your lousy mood this week, you’ve actually impressed a number of people with your super-duper skills at everything! You may even get a raise! Pamper yourself, get your nails done, do something to make you feel pretty. You may just have some celebrating to do come next weekend and you want to look swankfied!!!
Happy Birthday! You surely aren’t reading this at the moment. You must be nursing a hangover from the fabulous party you had last night! In fact, the early part of this week will find you recovering from the outlandish course of the weekend. Now, hopefully you took this aspirin and Gatorade time to reflect and re-evaluate. Prepare yourself for another sudden and radical departure of something to which you’ve grown attached. I don’t wish computer death on anyone, but you know you’ve been spending way too much time on Nerve lately, anyway. The death of something such as your hardware will supply plenty of time to catch up on the classics and write your sordid memoir. Please blog sordid memoir, as surely you have plenty of sordid to share. Birthdays are good times for re-evaluating how much more delicious trouble you will need to have in the coming year. Please set your goals as high as possible.
Thank Buddha. Looks as though we finally took the advice of our previous readings. We backed out of other people’s issues, we took a little space for ourselves, we tried really hard not to cling to anyone in the process and realized that we are indeed perfect little princes and princesses of light and love and power without having to wipe everyone else’s asses. Now, we can return to being those smothering, overbearing beings that our friends and family know so well. They miss us and desperately wish for us to return to meddle in their affairs. (Yes, last week they balked and told us to go f*ck ourselves…but it turns out they didn’t like that so much when we actually did.) However, now that we attained this glorious new level of enlightenment, we can throw them a pretty little life raft without chaining ourselves to them and sinking to the bottom of the
Oh, baby…I worry so when I have to deliver even moderately crappy news to you. You guys freak out and flood my inbox with “WHAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT?????” Please don’t do that. It’s not going to be that bad. Shit. I’m making it worse, aren’t I? Anyway, you’ve had a calm week and rather enjoyed it. No major catastrophes are imminent, but I regret to report that the majority of this week is going to suck. Little things. Bills. Cranky bosses. Bitchy friends. Roommate keeping you awake with multiple orgasms that you yourself are not receiving at this time. Of course, you being Leo, will take this little spell of ick as further proof that you’re not where you want to be at this point in your life. I frankly don’t see how the two equate, but whatever. Take this time to call up relatives you haven’t spoken to in awhile. Maybe Grandma will feel sorry for you and send money—or brownies, at least. Keep your head down and together and keep working on your grand master scheme. The roommate will eventually get dumped, your boss will eventually go on a three week vacation to
Look, I don’t know how many times this reading has to happen. We all thought that after your last tornado, you would have finally learned something. You know you should have dumped or blown-off whoever, but again you didn’t, and now they’re going to need money or a place to stay in addition to co-dependant emotional support. Basically, they’re going to demand more. However, the good news is that this second tornado will finally get you to put your muddy foot down. The Monkeys are talking on and on about all this cool shit that’s coming your way, and it would be a damn shame to miss any of it. You won’t look so good for that promotion if you continually show up for work haggard and beer-sweating after letting this specific whoever keep you up on the phone all night. Do you think this person plans to pay for all the therapy sessions you’re going to need when you finish fixing their train-wreck of a life? I highly doubt that, and so do you.
Oh my! Someone went and sat on your scales, the wrong way. I’m seeing in the cauldron that Libra is running around in circles this week panting, “Idunnowaddado. I dunnowaddado.” You’ve found yourself in a wacky situation involving your friends, your friends’ roommates, your roommates’ soulmates and visitors from their past incarnations…wow. This whole mess had very little to do with you and probably isn’t your fault. Step back (as much as you can, anyway…). Lock yourself in your room with the I-Pod going while the rest of the crazies tear up the living room. Please be sure to keep your smoke detector going, as they’re likely to light the carpet on fire. When this flammable incident occurs, it will then be your responsibility to ensure everyone gets out un-singed.
Why is it always the same with you? Why do you have to cling to old shit? You put Cancers to shame. Just. Stop. Father Bert (Aquarian Magician Master) recommends a drama free diet for the coming week that will consist of meditation, Celtic lullabies, and the desist of calling your exes at 3:00 a.m. They don’t want to talk to you at that hour. Your real trouble, Scorpio, is that you are not acknowledging the things that would actually fill you, emotionally. Take these
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
I type these words from the kitchen of a Sagittarius woman, who has requested that the reading for this week include tranquility, encourage the use of heavy machinery, and also encourage all Sag’s to remember to think about someone else. I had something smart ass to add to that, but that was a little too profound. Hey, Sag! You’re in luck! This is a powerful week for you. You may actually get a few things completed—like the dishes. Looks as though you’re also going to be in control of endeavors that require your supervision of others. Team up with Libra, they’re in a similar situation and not handling it as well. Don’t forget to call your mom this week.
If there was any rest for the over-worked Capricorn last week, it looks as though they took full advantage of it, which is why their skin is so fresh and dewy and the bags are gone from under their eyes. Yes. You deserved your spa treatment and now you’re back in the world feeling whole and confident in the way the self-help books want you to be. No, it’s not going to last. Nothing ever does. Some sort of association is going to end suddenly; far sooner than you would have expected or liked. Don’t cling. Don’t mourn longer than a beer or two. Fortunately, your self-pampering treatment helped diminish some of the aches and pains Capricorn commonly experiences: devastation over matters not particularly devastating. Believing that said devastating matters stemmed from a universal conspiracy aimed at—and only at—you. I see you weathering this minor burp in the road quite well.
Well…you knew you’d have to return to this situation sooner or later. You’ve put it off long enough. Something has to be addressed, loose ends desperately need to be tied off. You’re not going to like it one bit, but the good news is that it will not end in the death of you, your job, your financial stability or your current sweetheart status. After the screaming and throwing of (blunt, please) objects, Water-Bearers across the Universe will breathe enormous sighs of relief, and will run skipping off to their favorite dive bars to sing their thanks in bad karaoke. Maybe we’ll see some better readings for you guys for the next few weeks. I’m genuinely tired of delivering sucky news to such sweet little critters such as you!
Hooray! You made it through your most recent nervous breakdown without quitting rehab. You are moving in the right direction—the Monkeys would like to congratulate you on your new life and successful endeavors. They also indicate that the Fish of the Universe have had a lot of movements and transitions since last week, but these are chosen ones. No one got kicked out of Mom’s basement this week. They left on their own. Word to Pisces: just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re doing fine. You may notice other people starting to freak out about their own shit. Do not stop. Do not collect $200. (Jesus. When did I get so goddamn corny?) The Monkeys strongly encourage you not to indulge your Savior complex at this time. Leave it to Cancer to save everyone. We’re experiencing a rare moment of emotional stability and would like to use it for the benefit of mankind. You may need to buy us a beer, though. :)
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