Happy Birthday, Kinky Virgins!!!!

Yes, it’s the end of the summer. Let’s ignore that fact for a second, as well as that still-nasty Venus in Retrograde which is only going to get murkier and more depressingly introspective with that Pisces full moon this week. Yeesh. Don’t want to even think about how much wine the Convent will consume to combat the upcoming blues.

So, let’s focus on something happier. It’s time, glorious sinners, to celebrate the birthdays of the sign least likely to believe in astrology….VIRGO!!!

Symbolized by a pretty “virgin,” holding a bunch of wheat in her hands—Virgos are known for their intellectual and analytical ways. They were the kids who weren’t afraid to give every friggin’ answer in every friggin’ class. As they’re reading this blog, they are decimating every description and trying to find a way to say, “That’s not really me, because…” and looking up evidence in Wikipedia to prove it. Don’t deny it, Virgo. They like to argue. They like to read. They’re also, being good little Earth signs, into things of beauty. But unlike other Earth signs, they’re more likely to create beauty than purchase it. Most Virgos are quite tight fisted with their cash, which is good since many are drawn to artistic ventures which may require periods of starvation. Most Virgos end up in careers that involve the written word, although I’ve met several who are attracted to producing theater or visual art. Shrewdly competitive, keenly observant and master strategists—I will never, ever, ever play poker opposite a Virgo. Or participate in a jousting tournament with a Virgo. Neither should you, unless you’re willing to receive merciless thrashing at either.

There is a giant misconception about Virgo. Most astrology books say they’re shy and reserved. Reserved, maybe. Shy? Quiet? HA! Hardly. Virgo loves attention, and they often get it—being naturally argumentative and alluring in their fixed listening. It only takes a drink or two to turn a reserved Virgo into the biggest ass-shaker on the dance floor.

Virgos are extremely loyal. They are happiest when everyone is getting along and often work extremely hard to mend smoldering bridges, should one come between themselves and others. Virgos don’t often find a life partner early on in their dating career. But when they choose to fuse, it’s a lifelong bond that may change forms but won’t ever dissolve. Virgos make excellent friends, advisors and partners as they constantly rein in the crazy. “Back to Earth, back to Earth,” says the Virgo mantra. They look at all sides of situations and even when we hate to hear it, force us to look at a point of view we don’t like.

In the 900 years of occult study, Sister Mary has never seen a dichotomy between the genders as is evident in Virgo. Most signs act pretty much the same whether they’re sporting a pee-pee or a hoo-ha, but Virgo men and women are devastatingly different. Male Virgos tend to be more stubborn and reserved, focusing on methodical approaches to EVERYTHING, based on solid research. Virgo women are frequently more open to exploration to expand their mind, rather than simply reading about it. It’s the Virgo women who overturn the stereotype of the shy, reserved, Virgin. They’re nuts. We love them.

While exceptional at articulating thoughts in verbal form, Virgos often have an easier time releasing emotion, stress, anxiety, hell…even joy through physical modes. I know one Virgo woman who has offered to kick my ass anytime I would like to have that experience. I have yet to take her up on this offer. When your Virgo starts to act strangely, take him or her to the gym and strap them to the Elliptical for 30 or 45 minutes. They’ll be normal again, afterward.

Even if a Virgo isn’t into physical activity, they’re definitely into sex. Which begs the question, who up there was smoking what nasty-ass grass when they decided to give Virgo the sign of the Virgin???? These kids love sex. More than that, they need it. A pent up Virgo is a dangerous, dangerous thing. Your Virgo will take to the bedroom what they don’t let people see during the day. Got a rambunctious specimen? Plan for a lot of cuddles and butterfly kisses, with climatic tears when that soft side shows through. Did you get one of the gentle, more reserved types? Get a second pack of condoms and extra lube. They’ll need several rounds of rough romp to express all that rage they hide from regular life. In either case, verbal Virgo likes to be talked to through the act. Don’t be afraid to say the dirty, dirty stuff to your Virgo. It will stimulate their intellectual kinks.

Now, here’s what’s tough about Virgo. They often come across and cold and uncaring, which isn’t necessarily true—but the mind, the method, the intellect comes first to Virgo before the emotion. They can be subject to fits of anger, and frequently don’t understand their own emotions. Sometimes so skeptical, their world outlook can often become cynical. They’re a little too often the ones Peter Pan warned us about becoming. Particularly in love, Virgos become disappointed when one communication or romantic style “that worked with the last one!” fails them in subsequent situations. Failed methods devastate analytical Virgo. They’re wont to make romantic decisions based on their head than their heart, which can lead to regrets. They’d do better if they better trust their intuition, and avoided their trait of seeing emotion as weakness.

Okay. Enough about them. It’s time to start the readings. Please help Sister Mary give an enormous HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the Virgos of the Convent of Sensual Salvation: Lopi, Jennifer Glick, Matt Johnston, Ben Reindau, Larry, Hank, Beshka, Jeff Free, Mike L., Sean, Tanya O’Debra and Boisvert. You guys are fabulous and should be eaten with velvet spoons!!! (Go ahead. Virgo-analyze that one.)

Welcome to the Week of August 26-September 1st!!! You’re all beautiful, talented and delightfully flawed…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Holy jizz. Aries actually left something behind that wasn’t working anymore…This is an astrological phenomenon rarely seen. The cauldron reveals Rams across the Universe throwing up their hands in the face of the Venus in Retrograde. A part of some relationship has been discarded—perhaps the whole thing. This is new for Aries who will battle for their way into the next millennium if necessary. However, they’re now pulling the incredibly typical Aries move of, “Never again. I’m going to my room and no one is allowed to come in.” That’s only going to last like, a day, when you’re friends will get sick of your attitude and drag you of the house to go shack up with a new vixen—human or symbolic. Trust them. They know what’s best for your cranky ass.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Hey, maybe you’re the hot new thing Aries is going to bump into! Actually, if that’s true, be prepared that Aries (or any other sign, for that matter) is only using you for your sweet temperament and loving tongue. Remember, your home planet is in Retrograde. Any connections you make during this time—romantic or otherwise—are likely to be short lived. Don’t balk and don’t make us listen to you whine about it. In addition, don’t take a short-lived relationship as any kind of sign of personal failure. Sure, you’re a walking train wreck. (Who isn’t?) Just watch that you’re not measuring your worth in how many phone calls you actually get from writing your number on the bathroom stall. Damn. Taurus, did you actually do that? Take your Zanex and call me tomorrow.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
As per usual, Gemini’s reading is split down the middle between happily and morbidly chaotic—both of which will come to a dead stand still mid week, which will confuse both sides of the manic twins. Yeah, your celebration or self-medication will come to a screeching halt when you get a call from the ex, needing cat-support money. Either hungover or still inebriated, you’re more likely than ever to say something that could be drastically taken the wrong way. Let’s practice that whole, “Listen more, talk less,” thing and see if we can make any headway this week.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Okay, so let’s chart the last week or so of the Cosmic Crabs: We had some sort of epiphany. It was stellar. We tried to share that with the people around us, and they either looked as funny or deleted us as a MySpace friend for posting too many soap-box bulletins. That hurt our feelings. A lot. To make up for it, we decided to butt-in and try to go fix everyone else’s problems, even though the last time we did this, it left us tired, confus-ed and lacking cookie dough. Fellow Crabs, we must always remember to leave at least one tube of cookie dough in the fridge at all times, in order to ensure consistent self-nourishment. Too often, people take of our generous dough and forget it ever happened. Let us work on that this week.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
A special message to the Leos: quit being thrown by every remotely crazy thing landing in your general direction. The cauldron this week indicates that Leo was quite encouraged by the piece of mail that said they’d already won…blah-blah…seven weeks later and they’re still peeking through the lace curtains for that prize patrol van. Sorry, Leo, but what you thought was an opportunity was actually a gimmick to get you to buy magazines. This is quite frustrating, surely, but understand that a lack of opportunity does not constitute throwing flaming liquor bottles at the van when it goes to your neighbor’s house instead. Fate is working in your favor in that frustratingly invisible way. A happy ending is on its way, but not one you ever envisioned. Cryptic, right? Sorry.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
“Surrender” wasn’t the word you wanted last week, but it was the only one you could come up with at the end of the twelve hour Scrabble tournament. So, it seems that “Surrender” is an easy word, and you lost to the Sagittarius who somehow managed to come up with “Septuagesima.” So, you didn’t win this round and the next tournament isn’t for another year. Instead of taking Sag out back and kicking their ass, take the next twelve months to memorize the dictionary. Patience is something you, Virgo, have never liked very much. You don’t have to like it, but you’re going to have to learn to eat it before impatience eats you. And it will. Foot tapping is often misdiagnosed as “Restless Leg Syndrome,” and your local pharmaceutical-wielder will load you with a bunch of drugs that cause horridly nasty side effects including irritable bowel-syndrome and aversion to beer. You’ve been warned.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Hi, Libra! Remember last week, when you were always right and had fabulous make-up sex? Last week was great. While it’s not bad news, you won’t be thrilled. Another disruption is on its way, and it looks like a reincarnation of the last one, but in an uglier form. You won’t be able to cutesy-poo-pout your way out of it this time. This week’s obstacle course, courtesy of the shady Pisces moon, will have no obvious resolution and will require alone time. Dust off your pretty scales and weigh your needs/thinks/wants next to everyone elses. No fair adding to your side just for the sake of adding. The next course of action is not destined, but determined by your levels of clear thinking and lack of bitching. It could work out quite well. Or, it could suck. The choice is yours.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
So, you walked in on someone doing something or someone they shouldn’t have. Maybe it was your best friend. Maybe it was a bitter enemy. Maybe it was your dad, or maybe it was you—caught in the funked-out ceiling mirror. Now, the choice is yours: a.) flap your jaws b.) accept the bribe c.) remain stealthily behind the closet door. It looks as though you ought to just take the bribe and buy Sister Mary dinner so she won’t tell, either. Nah, what you should actually do is allow for some dialogue between you and the guilty party—particularly if the guilty party is yourself. Speaking the truth and keeping a secret cause individual kinds of destruction. You, Prince or Princess Chaos, need to determine which destruction is more beneficial for mankind. Then, plan on taking a vacation far, far away for a few months to let everything blow over.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Hmmm…it looks as though Sag was hiding behind the other closet door in Scorpio’s bizarre farce. Sag, who typically loathes drama, is wont to walk away humming and claiming, “What? I know nothing, I was tending the roses…” You could be undoubtedly right in your silence. But before undergoing complete amnesia, think about how what you don’t say can be just as nasty as what you do. Chances are Scorpio’s going to take care of causing the drama for you. If by some strange chance they don’t, you may need to dip your teeny toe in the drama pool…just for a bit! Then, you can go hide in the monastery for a few months while this all blows over. Cheer up and take heart. You’ll only be blamed momentarily for what isn’t your fault.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Well, Capricorn, you sat in the think tank for long enough on your last debacle, and it looks as though most of you took the ass-kicking route. The b.s. busted out of your life and that of those around you. Not everyone around you is going to take the opportunity to see the light you painstakingly shot into their retinas. A couple probably went blind, actually…but you can be happy because even if you couldn’t change everyone to suit you—you sought you to be a bigger goat in a small pen. Now, the cauldron doesn’t show you as being particularly happy. In fact, it’s showing a lot of Capricorns in obscenely foul moods. Make sure you’re not simply getting off on getting pissed. That’s no way to shape the world into the one you want. No one will want to play with you and you’ll be stuck with your little chisel and saw, alone.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Maybe it was YOU Scorpio and Sag caught shagging where you weren’t supposed to. Although Sag isn’t speaking about it, and we’re all pretty sure it was Scorpio doing the deed—something foul did fall into your realm this week, Aquarius. These problems were caused by showing off in the pool this week. Let’s hope it was a mere strained hamstring and not a head-to-the-concrete thing. Aquarius, everyone finds you sexy with or without diving board tricks. Or are you simply doing the silly Aquarius thing of interpretive dance in the neighbor’s yard? True, their yard does have a more gentle slope toward the driveway, which certainly fits your needs, but does it trample the neighbor’s marigolds? Ponder that one for awhile. While you’re doing that, Cancerians will run over and replant the neighbor’s flowers…

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
It seems as though, Pisces, your own full moon will benefit you immensely this week. It’s going to confuse the hell out of the rest of us, so use this time to get your head back in some sort of order. It’s time to throw out the old porn, you know your tastes have evolved to erotica. The pleather skirt from twelve grade will never fit again, no matter how many times you do the lemonade fast. You’ll find that some arts and crafts thing you’ve been working on since January is going to need more time—typical—but you know how long water erosion can take on a rock sculpture. There’s a note here about miscommunication, which says you’re probably going to be the one taking an inane comment the wrong way. Did you read Gemini’s forecast? Keep that in mind when dealing with bi-polar twins this week. Or any sign for that matter. Venus’s Retrograde has turned us all into verbal blades.