Multi-Retrogrades...

…but they’re not all so bad. Thank the Goddess: Mercury happens to be in town this week, and since we’re in Virgoville, it’s a good time to have overly analytical conversations about everything that’s been bugging you this year. Venus, one of the many Retrogrades, will leave us all babbling over Chilean red about what’s missing from our romantic spectrum. On top of that, Uranus has been backing our slowly (hee hee), which may explain why you suddenly suck at improv. Uranus, being the planet of Innovation and Genius Qualities can seriously drain our creativity when pulling out. Virgo-time is generally a time for focusing on projects and suffering creative blocks during this time doubly sucks. Oh, yeah. Neptune is Retrograding, too. Neptune governs spiritual innovation, and if you’ve never wondering if God is dead—you may find yourself wondering just that in the coming days. Alternately, if you’ve always been pretty sure God is dead, your spiritual forensic evidence may turn up flat and useless—your arguments failing in the face of Team Born Again. Wait….PLUTO is in Retrograde, too!!! So, NASA says it’s not a real planet. That doesn’t change the fact that the little icy beauty is up there wringing things around in the Cosmos. Pluto, governing the occult, will make your Magic 8 ball spin out of wack during its backwards bounce. It looks as though we’re all going to be contemplating love, God and our own contributions to the evolution of humanity in the coming few weeks—and feeling like a failure at all of it. You know, light stuff.

Wait! Don’t get down hearted! The moon is in Taurus so it’s a fabulous time to make money! Go out there, earn and spend like the good little Capitalists you are. No, the Evil Empire did not pay me to say this (although they should…). With Mercury and Mars hanging around, you’ll have plenty of people to debate and discuss the things mentioned above. When it gets to be too much, do some retail therapy. But only for a short while. It’s a means to an end, not a personal philosophy.

And if you’re in New York City this week, come out to the Ass-tro Hour next weekend!!!

The Ass-tro Hour
Saturday, Sept. 8, 9:00 PM
Stain Bar766 Grand Street
brooklyn, ny 11211(L to Grand, 1 block west)
718/387-7840
http://www.stainbar.com/
$FREE

Special guests this week: Michele Carlo (of The MOTH, The Liar, Producer and Host of It Came From New York) tells the unbelievable true story: “Night of the Black Chrysanthemums”: growing up between warring Santaria neighbors. Also, Voodoo Priestess Lilith Dorsey with true tales of things she’s seen and done in her world of New Orleans Voodoo. Of course, Ass-trological Q&A and the World Famous Magic Microphone!!! Show up, fools!!!
Welcome to the Week of September 2-8!!! It’s all going to rain thorn-less roses from here on out…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries, good work. You fought firmly for your little piece of being right and finally gave up when whatever beast you were fighting couldn’t feel the bricks you flung at its hard head. This is part of something you’re learning at present—when to give up before you collapse, exhausted, into the pile of garbage on the sidewalk. If you feel like your retreat was in weakness, listen to Sister Mary. It wasn’t. Sure, you might be hearing chicken “bwak-bwaks” from surrounding morons. Give them the finger and walk away. This ego battle you’ve been fighting all year is unappealing. It’s time to cross the threshold and move on into an even more annoying ego-battle. Hey, no one said it would ever stop…just morph a bit.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Damn. All sorts of things happened to Taurus this week. I’m inclined to blame Aries, but perhaps it’s because I’ve just finished their reading. Your sensitive little selves got hurt in some drunken barroom verbal blowout and you stormed off angrily. Now, Taurus. Not everyone likes to chase an angry bull. Have you any clue how freaky you look when you’re pissed? The person or situation from which you stormed is not pursuing you because they’re rather not end up with your horns up their booty. Take this time to cool off. Mercury’s influence will help you better express yourself while your home planet is away. Approach those who need approaching and speak calmly, but don’t expect them to come looking for you.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
With the Communication gods abounding, you’ll probably be called in to, in the very least, entertain people with your rambling stories, if not provide some good, solid wisdom. Normally, Gemini, you become frustrated because you don’t feel people adequately listen to you. This won’t be such an issue this week as your fast talking ways will be comforting to many a wounded ego. Most Geminis have recently experienced personal break-throughs or break-downs which have supplied them with much wisdom to impart. But don’t forget to do your own share of listening. When friends come for comfort, set an egg timer for six minutes. That’s your talking time. When it’s up, set it again for six minutes, which will be your listening time. It’s a good time to solidify relationships of all kinds, so take advantage of the egg timer.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
They say Saturn: Planet of Disruption is finally moving out of the Cancerian realm. Don’t know about you kittens, but Sister Mary hasn’t had a break yet. Cancers crave peace, yet we have a hard time pulling out of drama. This week, even our most sincere efforts to avoid insanity will not prevail. For some reason, we’ll be flung back into the Chaos mixing bowl as a primary ingredient. The good news is that it won’t be terribly damaging, and will provide plenty of fodder for ironic laughter over cold beer next weekend. Take deep breaths and keep the condom strapped tight. It’s going to be another wild week.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
I’m so thankful to have finally pulled a reading that won’t send you kittens right back under the couch. Leo, Oracles in the Cauldron are not nearly as nasty as they appear. Remember that next time you find yourself all upset over a particularly foreboding-sounding horrorscope. Anyway…couple’s counseling worked well, right? That’s what the monkeys are chattering, anyway. Your careful choice of “I” statements instead of “You Bastard” statements in last week’s dramatic chapter lead to a solidified position in your current partnership—friend, lover or dungeon master. Now, the lesson has not yet been completed. It will take awhile for the safety words to catch on, so don’t expect lashings—symbolic or actual—to cease, or continue, as you’d like in the immediate. Patience, gentle lion. You know you’ve got it in you.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgo was like a Hobbitt this week—giving away cool stuff on their birthday. Attention Non-Virgos: they totally pulled one over on us. The tube socks and label-makers they gave away in abundance were actually leftover White Elephant presents from last year’s office Christmas party. Hell, I needed a label maker for the herb cabinet—so it worked out fine over here. Virgo, it was sure as hell time you let go of some of that stuff. In fact, you should continue to do so! Now this is what’s harder. Time to give up the Retro NES because it’s keeping you confined to your parents’ basement when you should be out on the prowl for hotties. It’s your birthday! Who wants to pass up a possible birthday adventure? You, do, Virgo, because you’re still obsessed with getting Mario to jump the flagpole. You don’t get extra lives for that. Trust Sister Mary, she knows.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras have all been too DAMN HAPPY these past few months and it was pissing the rest of us off. Libra who sailed through Mercury’s Tyrannical Retrograde earlier this summer; Libra who has so far simply shrugged at Venus’s horrendous disappearance. Libra, your luck isn’t about to change, but your attitude is for some reason. Someone must have run over your sandaled feet with a grocery cart at just the right angle, bringing up a horridly repressed memory locked in an inconspicuous toe. Why are you suddenly picking at your significant other for their behavior at your mom’s house three Thanksgivings ago? Why are you suddenly writing poetry about the high school English teacher you severely crushed-on, the one who went to jail for groping your best friend? Libra, these things don’t seem to need to be rehashed, but you seem to think they do. Journal them, and then burn the journal for god’s sake. Please don’t blog or blather about this to people. We’re all going to get creeped out.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Ah, so it was a triumphant week for our rulers of Chaos! Yes, there is a note that the Scorpios of the Universe managed to wrangle the prince or princess out of the tower of doom (I don’t know why I need fantasy images to explain Scorpio…but it seems to work) and sped off on their magical scooter to a far away land. It wasn’t until they got to the faraway land that Scorpio discovered they didn’t have very much in common with the coveted royalty. Now, they’re stuck with an OCD-ridden drama-priss who still isn’t over their ex and snores to boot. Maybe it’s time you acknowledged that your impulsive streak can damage others as well as yourself. Politely tell the prince or princess that eloping might have been a mistake and give them plenty of cab fare to get back to the tower. Then, run, run, RUN. Faster, you lard-ass. Do NOT let this situation follow you.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
So, your disruption of last week cost you a bunch of cash. That’s what happens when you let crazy Aunt Carla drive the car instead of pulling her license like the doctor said to. Since you’re without cash, don’t use this time to knock down walls in the garage that are probably better off as they are. Try that meditation thing you’ve been meaning to get to. Focus on becoming a more evolved spiritual being so that next lifetime, you can come back as a Queen or Emperor with lots of cash to throw at problems such as these. This will help with your focus, which will help you to be able to actually read through a horrorscope before the shiny object becomes too fascinating. Did you get that? Sag? Hello? Damnit.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn, you too ran out of cash this week and few signs hate that more than you do. But you didn’t lose your resources because you were being a drunken moron who dropped their wallet on the subway tracks. You “lost” your money because you were called upon to be the grown-up. Increasing your student loan payments, knocking off a credit card debt, helping a frazzled sibling get Dad into a new adult day care you hope won’t kick him out this time…Capricorn, the Universe will reward you. Don’t do your typical “Woe is I, my well is dry and none of you assholes CARE!” dance. We do kind of care. In fact, some of us more than “kind of” care and want to buy you dinner for being so appropriately martyr-istic. Do us a favor and bring the Capricorn charm when we take you out, not the goat braying.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
One of the few signs with occasion for joy this week…yay, Aquarius!!! A multitude of problems were solved and harmony restored in all the delicious places. You deserve it. Aquarius is one of the few signs in which it’s hard to resent their happiness. You’re just too darn sweet to resent. Surely, there are a few of us out there, so ignore anyone who grumbles at you. Enjoy this peaceful week and snuggle with your sweeties, if you got ‘em. Don’t burrow too deeply into your cozy little nest. There’s lots of fun to be had in the late summer sunshine, and many of us could use your happy-happy-joy-joy energy. Come out and play!!!

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Oh, Pisces. I cannot believe I pulled this reading for you again. Trapped in a situation created by events out of your hands, you’re sitting on the side of the road again, smoking cigarettes and feeling incredibly sorry for yourself. Pisces, wanting the situation to go away does not equate to situation actually going away. The Universe is going to send one more big, giant revelation your way to try and help. Take advantage of this revelation and use it to get out of this predicament. If you don’t, you’ll end up sunburned on the side of the great Cosmic Freeway. Over and out.