Sunday, October 7, 2007


You all may have noticed the little “Donate” button! The one on the right of the paragraph. It’s yellow. Keep looking. It’s really not hard to find.

That’s right! If you enjoy AstrologyExplained and want to help feed Sister Mary’s flying monkeys and help pay down Mammy Superior’s bar tab, your contributions make that possible. $1 is cool! $5, even cooler! $1,000 and Sister Mary will tell God what an awesome person you are and get you access to all the burlesque clubs in Heaven.

(Don’t tempt Sister Mary into starting a pledge drive…)
The time of Libra provides little fodder for the average smart-ass Nun Astrologer—it’s a time of balance, like the little scales that represent them. While Sag and Pisces, Gemini and psycho Scorpio break though the Universal Unconscious with quirks and wacky things galore, Libra resets its eccentricities before we get a moment to make fun of them. Libra time is one of bringing things into balance—organizing closets for winter, paying off a few more debts before the holidays begin, doning kelp wraps and chomping on beets to undo the summer’s fabulously toxic damage.

And yes! It’s time to celebrate that courageously well-balanced sign—the only one symbolized by something that doesn’t eat or screw—Libra!

First thing to remember about Libra, particularly since we’re in that time, is that you don’t want to forget a Libra’s birthday. If you do, they will be disappointed. If you do remember their birthday and don’t make it super cool with a trip to Six Flags and a lot of roses, they will be disappointed. A disappointed Libra is a horrible, horrible thing. Think about the cutest puppy in the world, and imagine it welping and crying because it’s sad. Try to add big cartoon teardrops if you can. Is that not the saddest image you’ve ever had? Well, it’s only half as sad as the sight of a disappointed Libra.

Libras are idealistic and true romantics. If you’re dating one, plan on doing the wooing thing more than you ever had to do for even the most precious Capricorn. They’ll reward you, though. Extremely loyal and supportive partners, Libras mate for life; in friendships and in romance. Many, however, seeking the glorious idyllic situation of fairytales, most are likely to partner more than once—but don’t ever fully disappear from their former lovers lives, melding the relationship into a glorious friendship.

The best and most frustrating thing about Libras is their ability to call bullshit. This is why we need them, and why we sometimes throw our cell phones in the Holy toilet when they call. No one delivers a realistic slap in the face like our buddy Libra, who listens well and thinks about all things before explaining to you that it’s not quite all about you—that you might just be screwing up—but will still go kick the ass of the douchebag who bothered you. Are you dating a Libra? Buy them presents, and don’t plan on this catch being all excited by your notions of orgy or poly. Trust Sister Mary—they’re monogamous and cheating is the biggest of all no-nos, followed immediately by lying and forgetting their birthday.

Libras, again, with their balance thing, are extremely practical—but “balance it out” by occasionally buying all kinds of shit they don’t need or can’t afford to keep from getting bored. They can be extremely meticulous most of the time, particularly about having a clean home, but balance it out with periods of extreme laziness. Sometimes they need to be encouraged to get out of their ruts and habits, and are often reluctant to bringing new things and influences into their lives, but once they do, embrace them wholeheartedly. Libras tend to keep small circles of friends, but keep them forever and don’t crave fame or notoriety, but a nice home with a traditional structure and usually kids. Libras approach their relationships as methodically as they approach their shopping. Romance, tradition and sentimentality. Plan on having to leaf through a dozen or so new scrapbooks your Libra puts together every week.

You know, Libras are the toughest signs to describe and pick on—because they’re just too damn balanced. They keep their quirks tucked in places Sister Mary doesn’t know about, or doesn’t care to discover. Which they probably won’t like so much, as Libras like attention as much as any of us. They also don’t like criticism. They like things to go their way, and will pout a bit when it doesn’t—quietly weighing the pros and cons of not getting what they want, and eventually accept it if no other options are available. They get mad, but they get over it.

Frankly, though. The Great Drunk In The Sky knew what He/She was doing when they made Libras. Someone has to keep the rest of us wackos from jumping off the planet.

A very happy birthday to the Libras who keep Sister Mary from being hauled away in a hand-cauldron: Bud, Jessica Elizabeth, Robin, Jethro, and Kanani. I LOVE YOU GUYS A LOT A LOT A LOT, LIKE A LOT!!!!!!!

This week, we’ll find that the commonly stubborn Libra qualities will be exacerbated by the Leo moon—these two influences also making mortals and non-mortals alike more obsessed with being the prettiest quill on the Cosmic porcupine. With Mars, warring planet, still camping out in Cancer this week—domestic quarrels will be on the rise. This alignment is likely to create the doorway for “Why didn’t you take the trash out?” conversations to quickly evolve into “What did you mean when you said last March that I’m insane????” Fortunately, planet of communication Mercury is coming through Scorpio this week, meaning we’ll all have the right amount of manipulative flattery to soothe our ornery partners until we get out of this cranky time.

Onto other news, be sure to keep a sharp eye on your Virgos as Saturn, Planet of Suck, has made an ungracious visit to our “Virgin” friends, and will be causing problems them. Oh, yeah. It’s going to be affecting Gemini, Sag and Pisces too—these folks will be aiding and abetting our Virgo friends over this next dreadful period, at the same time making things more frustrating as aider and abettors tend to do. Trust Sister Mary—tried and true Cancer.

Onward and Sideways into the week of October 7th-13th!

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Free from burdens many other signs will experience this week, Aries! The planets seemed to have passed you by and even the moon is looking the other way. However, you’re once again frustrated and this time, it’s likely to be in regards to matters of communication. Communication planet in Scorpio is making all signs talk as though they’re in film noir. Aries, who puts on the subtitles on the DVD just to ensure they don’t miss anything, and becomes severely annoyed if the film doesn’t explain every plot twist within the first fifteen minutes, is wont to crave the catharsis of a swift punch to a number of noses. Best course of action is to breathe deeply, lift flask, swallow deeply and continue on your merry way. Expect to run into an old friend this week—who may be the only one who knows what you’re going through. They may be the only one you can stand!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus is irritated this week. Something simply didn’t go their way. Whether it was having to bail some Gemini out of a cash crisis (common to Saturn backlash) or fighting with a Sag over the headline color of the Excel spreadsheet (Libra/Leo time = stubborn motherfuckers), Taurus, you’re going to have to let this battle slide. Since we know you’re not so capable of letting it all go, practice that compromise thing you learned from Dr. Phil or whoever and give the Gemini some cash—but make them rake your lawn. Go ahead and let Sag go with fuchsia, even if you know burgundy is the way to go. Insist they buy you a mocha when the boss vomits all over their fuchsia-splashed atrocity. Then, you won’t even have to say “Told you so…” (like that would stop you!!! Xoxo). Believe it or not, this patience/compromise thing is essential as you’re going to be required to rely on these knuckleheads in upcoming waves of drama. Don’t get paranoid, they happen to everyone. But be nice to people who bug you.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
For the past few months, Gemini has been feeling as though a storm of whack has been encircling their heads. Wait. Gemini will always feel as though that is the case—but it’s gotten even worse since that Saturn cross-roads thing, which has got them feeling struck through the skull. Gemini, there isn’t much you can do to get out of this bout of bad luck except keep an eye on your wallet and keys, and don’t get caught without a condom. Not a good time for dealing with STD’s. Sag will look out for you, Pisces will seem to avoid you, but will continue to look out for you. Virgo will act as though they want nothing to do with you, but will come around needing your help at some point before the end of the week. Give it to them. They’ve helped you out a lot. You’re probably going to want to crash and burn, but Sister Mary doesn’t see that inhibiting you from going out to the bar on a Wednesday, anyway. Things look better by next weekend, so bite your lip and try to enjoy the ride. Might make from some good blogging.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Yep, yep…still got old Mars funking shit up in our realm this week. Fights with housemates are inevitable. If we happen to live alone, fights with pets are inevitable. Those extremely rare Cancerians who have no housemates or pets will find themselves viciously arguing with people from the past, who have forgotten we’ve ever existed and found the Facebook friend request to be random if not outright creepy. Cancerians this week are five times as likely to misinterpret something our friends or co-workers say that was NOT meant to be insulting, but we’re Cancers and can’t take it any other way. This will result in severe Drawing Into Shell, which will be good for work and creative endeavors. Giving the cold shoulder to people on G-Chat will mean stuff will actually get done this week, and allow us to clean up all the messes our distracted selves got us into last week. Next week, we’ll be out again to play and people will be glad, as they will miss us.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
The spirit of the legendary Anita Tension will be invoked by our luscious felines this week! Leo, you’ll find yourself more than ever needing compliments on everything from your work to your sudden lack of dandruff. Please be prepared that not everyone is aware of your change of shampoo and may even consider it an insult to you to bring it up. This is particularly true of matters of the heart for Leo, as Venus will continue to do the Return Waltz through their realm in the coming days. It’s been a hard year for Leo—try to be thankful that Saturn: Planet of Suck has finally moved onto Virgo and will leave you alone for the next dozen years or so. Particularly, Leo, if you’re involved with a Virgo, Pisces, Sagittarius or Gemini—be prepared that they’re not going to be doling out all the attention you seem to need so badly. They’re pretty wrapped up with their own garbage this week. You’d be better off seeking out your Aquarius buddies, and perhaps even a Capricorn or two. The Capricorn will listen briefly before slapping you out of it—and the Aquarius will simply be fun to hang with. Time will change your rotten tides. In the meantime, go do something scandalous. ;)

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The arrival of Planet Suck has already taken Virgo through the shock and denial phases, and now they’re deep into bargaining and anger. Virgo, you cannot bribe the Gods into increasing your cash flow or sex life. Well, perhaps you can, but you’re too intellectually charged to actually go out there and cut the head of the chicken to the drum beat (“Simply don’t see how this equates to effective action…”) The Cosmic disruptions as of late were sent to teach you patience. Yes, Virgo, you tend to be more patient than most, but this is to ensure that you don’t get lazy. Trust Sister Mary. There will be times in the coming weeks when you’re going to want to run your car through the side of the 7-11 rather than look for non-existent parking again. Yes. Planet of Suck inhibits the ability to find parking. Maybe you should stop driving. It’s better for the planet. Perhaps this whole mess is meant to get you to be more eco-friendly. Ponder this one while shelling out your hard earned, quickly diminishing cash at the pump. For non-drivers, bike instead of cab. Physical stuff is better for releasing your Virgo aggression, anyway.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libra, you’re happy. Everything is going your way, and that is precisely why we’re all avoiding you. The truth is, and we know it as well as you do, is that you’ve suddenly been given magic goggles to see where everyone around you is screwing up and you have no qualms about saying something. As much as we’re loathe to hear it, you’re absolutely correct—but don’t expect us to take it well. If we start to lash out at you, simply imagine us all in diapers with binkies and make us take a time out. Now is not the time to take shit personally—particularly when you’ve been going around exposing everyone for being dumbasses. Be prepared, however, to get what you put out there, and toward the end of the week, someone will correct you on one of your screw ups. You don’t have to admit they’re right to anyone but yourself. And it is all about you, anyway, right? Especially during your birthday time!!!

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
If Scorpio isn’t caught playing King Arthur at a Medieval Faire, leading the Grail search re-enactment this weekend, they’re bound to be at home scouring their roommate’s collection of Crowley. Mercury coming through their sign has made them now more than ever determined to discover the secrets of the Universe—and they insist on having it done by Thursday. Scorpio is experiencing a rare stroke of wholeness and completion, which has further exacerbated their need to complicate things by rooting for new philosophical concepts with which to annoy and torture their partners and friends. Chances are, however, that this Mercury in Scorpio will allow others to have a rare clue about what cryptic Scorpio is talking about. Watch you don’t get too arrogant about people’s sudden connections with you. It’s not that they’re coming around to see your side, it’s that Mercury is a bastard that way. They’ll be off understanding Taurus or something next week and replacing you in your natural “no one understands me” state. Enjoy it while it lasts and enjoy the extra mead.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sag, your connection with this Saturn cross-roads is putting you back in that leadership position you tend to crave—until actually put in it. In addition to having to talk your Virgo and Gemini friends off the Chrysler building (Pisces prefers the padded cell), you’re still wrangling the Jupiter: Planet of Big, Weird Ideas influence that has been crawling up your slack leg for the past year. It’s almost over. Really. Try those deep breathing meditations you’ve been ignoring for awhile, since patience is essential. It’s not a good week to rely on Valium. You’re going to have too much to do to be distracted by hallucinated bunnies and sunshine. Like your friend Virgo, impulsive decisions will be costly and are guaranteed to drive up your insurance premiums.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Perhaps they’re feeling the brunt of so many other signs being slammed by the Cosmos, or perhaps they’re simply not getting enough attention, but the Flying Monkeys are reporting that we have a lot of unhappy Cappys this week. Some sort of inevitable disruption has taken place in the realm of our favorite goats. Perhaps they had to house a suddenly vagrant Gemini, or made the mistake (well-meaning, of course!) of coaxing a cranky Cancer out of their shell. Whatever Capricorn got themselves into with the purpose of making the world a shinier place, they certainly found themselves having to wade through a bunch more shit than they cared to deal with. Go ahead, Capricorn. For once, admit you made a mistake. Whether it be sticking our your hand to help, or your tongue to voice an opinion, take it back and say, “Oops!” You can do it. It’s just one syllable and mostly vowels, anyway. Back out and protect yourself. Queen Drama will be back with presents of your own, shortly.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
You know, part of the reason you’re off in Leary land most of the time is not because you dropped so much acid in college, it’s because Neptune has been in your sign since 1998. Did you know that? Mammy Superior severely flogged Sister Mary for forgetting to mention that you’re in a 13 year cycle of boundless love and limitless emotion. For those of you too young to remember much of 1997, these open ways and paths may seem natural to you Aquarius, and in many ways, they are. Do expect, however, that if you haven’t knocked someone up or yet acquired remote responsibilities, you’re going to need to figure that shit out roughly by 2011. That’s right. You’ll have one year of hard work before the meteor hits in 2012. This week, however, continue to keep in mind that a lot of your friends are in the crapper and need you to cheer them up. Most of them will seek you out, but in some cases, you’ll need to dig them out of their holes. Jump off the speaker and run out of the club to call your mopey friend and let them know what an awesome party they’re missing. If you don’t, they might think you don’t care and that certainly isn’t true. Make little ring-ding reminders on your IPhone if you have to. But don’t forget people this week.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
In addition to you having to deal with Virgo’s Saturn, the influence of Uranus (Planet of What the Fuck Just Happened, aka, “upheaval”) will become even more intense in the coming months. With the arrival of Sucky Saturn, Pisces has so far used this opportunity to swim back under their favorite rock or plastic plant. Maybe they even have one of those cool little aquarium divers to hide behind. Whatever the case may be, Pisces around the Universe are avoiding hurricane by delving deeply into their sub and unconsciousness. Unfortunately for them, but fortunately for the rest of us, Pisces will be called out of seclusion this week to make the pool safe for all Cosmic kiddies to play in. That’s what they do and can’t avoid it! It’s not going to be easy for them, and they’re likely to hide behind their favorite vices while having to face people (THESE kids will be the one to go to for illegal stimulation in the coming days), but will be presently surprised to find themselves making new connections with cool people, and strengthening ties once thought lost. Maybe your former boss didn’t hate you after all! Maybe they fired you in a moment of psychosis and you’ll get an apology—along with forty bucks. Wouldn’t that be nice? Buy Sister Mary dinner. Think of all she does for you.


F (The Very Subjective) said...

you just made my evening. I don't know how you did this, but sometimes you managed to Nail It Completely.

p.s. love the way you express yourself!

Boho Yve said...

"Libra Explained", a good and comical read, thank you! We know all our short-comings but don't often admit them to anyone, or to ourselves for that matter. This was a really good giggle having all our foibles spread out on the table, so to speak :)