Listen well to Sister Mary, sinners!!! In just over a week, she will be embarking on a vision quest to Ireland!!! That’s correct! And she needs YOUR help!
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Every donation goes directly to Sister Mary’s Prophetic Guinness fund! The more she drinks, the more wizdumb she shall provide. It’s truly an investment in your future—plus, think of all she does for you! $1 will guarantee you points in the Karma jar. $5 will guarantee you BONUS points in the Karma jar!!! And remember, $1000 guarantees you access to the Great Swingers Club in the Sky!!!
Seriously, folks. The Convent of Sensual Salvation knows you’re broke and feels your awful pain. But considering that Astrology Explained is the closest thing most of you get to Sunday worship service of any kind, cough up a buck. SMM is soooooo worth it!!! Be glad she doesn’t tithe!
Welcome to the week of October 14-20! Look to the skies…cover your Holy Heads!
Aries (March 21-April 19)
On a cosmic level, Aries, you seem to be the only one who is directly being left alone. This means, you’re going to be called upon to help a lot of people out of jams. Best friends calling about douche-bag lovers, parents calling about douche-bag siblings. As the Natural Older Sibling of the zodiac, you’re going to have to take a deep breath and have patience with the chaos around you. Listen to people blah-blah-blah, instead of chucking the cell phone into the toilet when they won’t listen to you. Your advice isn’t being sought after this week. Your ear, your money and your ability to feed the cat of the person suddenly arrested while on a trip upstate—that’s what will be required of you. If someone asks to borrow money—don’t expect it to be repaid. So, don’t give too much of it. That goes for your listening abilities and cat-sitting availability as well. Pull back when you’re being taken advantage of, or it will be YOU on the Great Cosmic Couch next week.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Couples counseling, friend-of-couples counseling, pet psychic services…Taurus, you’ve put a lot of time, energy and your oh-so-precious cash into making something work. Now, just when you’re going to start seeing the object of your affections turn into the emotionally honest, hard-working, Bull-pleasing robot you’ve dreamed of—smoke and sparks and immediate reversion back to the lazy, insensitive thing you should have fired months ago. This is as true for human relationships and jobs as it is for robots. Taurus, you tried really, really hard and true, it would be fair if the Universe took notice and rewarded you for it. But the true truth is that most of the time the Universe isn’t paying attention. And when the Universe is paying attention, It has a nasty sense of humor and likes to break the toys we worked so hard to put together. Wipe the radioactive dust from your hands and walk away. Something new will come along for you to duct-tape back together into your favorite Taurus fashion.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Either the drama of last week drained the last of your cash, or the Gemini Twins suffered catastrophic nervous breakdowns circa Friday. Either way, the only method for you to get extra time in the courtyard this next week is to bribe the guard with cigarettes or sexual favors—but frankly, it doesn’t look as though either are going to work for you. It’s not that you’re not the sexy pair of bitches you were last week—even in the straight jacket. Your time in lock down has been brought to you by the Gods of the Inner-Psycho, which you will need to appease with meditation, lavender tea and Live Journal to get that time off. It’s time for you to reflect upon why you’ve been on the roller coaster of self-destruction the past nine months. Don’t blame the Cosmos. This time, they’re only partially responsible. You’ll need to accept your reoccurring role in why you keep running into the brick wall of heartbreak and rehab and fix it before the all-powerful “they” add an extra life-sentence to your “rehabilitation.”
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
With Mars still putting Her dirty feet on the couch in our Cosmic living room, Cancerians everywhere are making lists and checking them twice of all the people who have pissed us off—from the bully Capricorn in Montessori school to the whiney Leo in last week’s staff meeting. We’re still brooding, but this week it may come to a head. It’s good practice to write a letter to that mean old Goat from back in the day. It’s bad practice to Google the person and actually send it to them. Likewise, it’s good practice to scream out your frustrations to the co-worker’s effigy. It’s bad practice to stick pins in the effigy—but if they’re too atrocious, it might be a better alternative than blowing up at them in the break room. First of all, you’ll keep your job. Second, Whiney Leo might go on an extended retreat to the Black Hills and never come back. That will make things easier. Fellow Cancerians, we must remember that most of our frustrations are in our fevered heads. The Wise Crab knows when to retreat into its shell. The Psycho Cancer knows this too, but goes and pinches the annoying thing anyway…thereby losing a claw. Project of the week: keep all limbs intact.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Financial and emotional turmoil may have subsided temporarily for our sexy felines, but Leos across the Universe are still limping from a drawn-out season of heartache and credit card debt. Leo, Sister Mary has been very patient with you for several months now. In fact, most of the Universe has been extremely patient with you. Now, we’re asking that you take a shower, brush your teeth and come out to play with us because your moping is making us sad. Okay, the truth is that your roommate called and notified said the neighbors are beginning to complain about the smell and the chorus of lamenting coming from your bedroom. It’s time to shake your gorgeous manes and join the world again. You’re really going to hate Sister Mary for this next piece of news…while the yuck may have subsided, it’s not over yet. One more bad moon on the rise before things stop sucking…WAIT!!! DON’T CRAWL BACK UNDER THE BED!!! You can either face the suck alone, which only made you more depressed last time, or you can come out with your friends and we can all face the suck together. The latter is a better option and this is a prophetic promise—some sweetie out there wants to buy you a beer. Take the beer.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
One Virgo said to Sister Mary this week: “Three Years of Suck? Man, I HATE astrology…” This particular Virgo, like all good Virgos, doesn’t believe in astrology. Unless the reading promises bad news. Then, the Virgo is all into it. Virgo, this is a typical doldrumsitic response that only propagates your misfortune. Putting new faith in astrology when Saturn, Planet of Suck arrives will not prevent crap from happening. You’re going to have to take this one piece of ick at a time. If you have Gemini friends, avoid them. They’ll be in the same padded cell as you, and you’ll be tempted to commiserate, but commiseration is only going to lead to feeling sorry for yourself and increasing your drinking problem. In between the hurdles, go lock yourself in your bedroom with a couple of old Radiohead c.d.s and do some contemplation. Really. What is the Universe trying to teach you? No one ever figures it out on the first go round, but it will give you a definite edge for the next lifetime…
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Congratulations on your hard work this year, Libra. You finally got everything exactly where and how you want it to be. Now, for the Great Upheaval fairy….oh, don’t whine. Actually, it looks as though you, Libra will be the one who tips your own scales and blows your own house down. It’s timely and it’s appropriate as you, Libra, don’t like being bored. However, don’t be surprised and upset if the overhaul isn’t easy, causes crankiness around you or exposes gangrene in the rafters. Do a lot of that deep breathing stuff, don’t freak out over little details. Only at the moments of deepest frustration do we become stronger and better adjusted. Also, remember WHO created the upheaval (you!). Remember why you wanted things to change. Embrace the rocky time and you’ll be a hell of a lot happier with the finished product.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Unlike Libra, things weren’t completely okay in the Scorpion sector this past week. The object of your affections didn’t find your blog dedicated solely to them romantic. Perhaps they found it creepy? Perhaps you’re being called a stalker? Maybe you didn’t get the promotion you wanted—it was given to some inept Aquarius??? Ooh…that one does hurt. The wise man says, Scorpio, “If you can’t be with the one you love…don’t go killing the one they’re with.” It is time, Scorpio, to appreciate the lovelies all around you and don’t go searching for more. At the same time, don’t go demanding more from what you have. That may scare off more things you’re wild about. Once you can look around with a true smile and bask in the wonderfulness that surrounds you on a daily basis, you’ll feel less of a need to go out and consume. Remember, the MAN wants you to consume. Embrace your rebel self and stop absorbing subliminal messages from corporate whores. You’re okay without excess. True story.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Oops! Sagittarius overheard something under the bathroom stall walls, or found a chat-transcript on you roommate’s computer—one that would make you rich if you wanted to blackmail. (By the way, did you even get permission to use the computer?) Nah, blackmail isn’t Sag’s style. But this new information, be it a secret of someone else, something you’ve learned about yourself or the location of Bin Laden, you really need to be careful with how you reveal this information. Is now even a good time to spill your guts? Will it help those around you, or send them to prison? Would having your roommate locked up give you the space you need to write your novel or leave you desperately lonely? If the information isn’t specifically helpful to anyone, you might want to keep your mouth shut—or leak in a way that’s productive. Don’t ask how it might be productive…we don’t provide answers here. Just inane warnings.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn, you did good, as they say. Something was bothering you and instead of pouting about it, you approached the person or situation and calmly explained your side of the story, using all those really annoying “I feel” statements instead of the more satisfying, “You Asshole…” statements. Good work. However, it was ineffective. This isn’t your fault. It’s the fault of the lazy douche bag who has no interest in changing his/her/it/their ways. Don’t waste your energy or your good manicure by trying to change the shape of a brick wall with your bare hands. Walk away. Don’t interrupt and don’t try to explain your side of things again. It didn’t work last time, and it’s not going to work this time and will leave you with painful, ragged cuticles. Wait for the Universe to act and sit back with your ice tea and watch it happen. Don’t say “Toldya so” too loudly, or the Kickback will hear and come after you, too. Giggle to yourself and walk away clean. ‘Tis the mark of the seasoned Capricorn.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Some kind of separation has occurred in the Aquarian realm. Of course, poor Aquarius didn’t notice a damn thing until they realized no one had answered their calls for more toilet paper in the upstairs john. Wow. Amazing how long you held out, Waterbearer! You may be confused as to why people aren’t calling or coming over to play anymore. It’s two-fold. One, it’s probably the Universe sucking all of your friends into wormholes. Don’t worry. They’ll get kicked out. Wiser for it. Two, you didn’t listen to Sister Mary when she told you to reach out to your mopey friends and cheer them up. Now, you’re going to have to work doubly hard to get them out of their hobbit holes for an evening. This is a good time for you, as you’re re-learning the rules here on Earth. You had a great trip through outerspace. Now come home.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
When we left our fishes last week, they had to crawl out to the rescue of a number of friends having nervous breakdowns. This left considerably less time for Pisces to finish their own nervous breakdown. Ah, well. It’s the way of the Cosmic Martyr. Pisces, whatever it is that you’re rebuilding will take a great deal of time and a lot of patience. You have the patience, but you don’t always have the ability to discern between “Slow to Grow” and “Total F*cking Failure.” You’re not failing this time. Continue to listen to the great Wino Prophets on the Subway. Delve deeper into your hallucinations. A reunion of sorts is on the way, whether it be with a old lover, a “new” lover (aka, someone you nailed in a past life) or the continued adventures of old psychopath boss who now needs you to clean up his/her mess. Remember, old glue takes time to re-adhere. That’s all the wizdumb you get this week.
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