Another Retrograde!!! Hold on!!!

Greetings, charming sinners!!!

Many thanks to all of you who donated to Sister Mary’s Prophetic Guinness Fund! If you’re feeling obscenely guilty that you did not contribute to this (sort of) worthy cause, it’s absolutely not too late! That little donate button to the right of this paragraph will allow you to do just that, and allow Sister Mary a little more cash on her voyage to Ireland!

Now, that being said….

Please take a deep breath and listen to the following announcement with the gracious qualities you know your sort of possess…

There will not be an AstrologyExplained posting on Sunday, October 28.

AstrologyExplained WILL return on Monday, November 5. A week and a day later. You will most certainly manage!!!

Keep reading, there is much more to tell…

Onward thrusting into the week of October 21-27!!! You’ll be glad you did…

As you’re probably already aware, Mercury is in Retrograde again. This explains why your computer keeps freezing and choking (it isn’t just the illegal software downloads), it explains why your phone keeps cutting out. (For some of you, anyway. A few caustic signs may actually be getting hung up on by other signs.) Mercury rules communication and electronics. Traffic will be worse, trains will get snarled, you’ll walk around thinking everyone is speaking ancient Greek. Even Sister Mary’s digital camera bit the dust a mere three days before her voyage—and it wasn’t only because Mammy Superior borrowed it for vampire tracking. Back up your work on your jump drives now. Take even more time to talk slowly and clearly to your significant other. Be sure to use little words with your boss. Now is not the time to let anything get confusing. This retrograde is in Scorpio, which means people are more likely to plot your death. Clarity is key, kids.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries, you’ve been very well behaved on Planet Dumbass so far. You’ve kept your mouth shut and watched the League of Morons run head first into everything hard. As the Chronic Oldest Sibling in the zodiac, you’ll often find yourself in the position of wanting to knock people’s heads together in Curly-Larry-Moe fashion. Again, your best Aries course of action is to take a deep breath and back away slowly from the situation. Please understand…Sister Mary wants to tell you to go bust some skulls as it seems their Karmic actions are screaming for it. However, the Flying Monkeys are saying that if you let your violent impulses go wild, you might end up in jail. That’s not something you want to deal with, so close to Halloween when Venus is back in town and people might want to nail you. Just sayin.’

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus did the un-characteristic thing last week of letting something in the past be just that. However, the other characters involved in that past incident (they know who they are) did something else to annoy our favorite Bulls. So, Taurus felt the need to bring it up again. Taurus, whether this past incident involved finding out that your lover cheated on you last week, last year or in a past life—you took the whole thing with a kind, patient Taurus smile. But then you caught this lover taking a bath with the slut next door—and using your raspberry soap without asking. Now, you’re ready to release the bull. An angry Taurus is a scary thing. The Flying Monkeys want to warn you that hasty decisions will cause deep regrets. Consider dropping a couple of people’s cell phones into the bath with them, instead of a live toaster. The former is funny. The latter, no matter how tempting, will get you in trouble.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Whatever partnership you’ve entered as of late—be it romance, business, or making peace with the crazy monkey that lives in your head—has somehow left you insecure. Since when did Gemini get so paranoid about being cheated on (don’t you like to share?) or fired (wouldn’t you love unemployment checks?) or going completely insane (you’re already there, sweetheart). It seems as though you’re going to be the ultimate cause of your own destruction by destroying whatever it is that scares you before it bites you in the ass. Please be sure the thing was actually going to bite you—as in, it was growling and the sweaty teeth were showing—before you go ruining a good thing. Let the partner know you’re pee in your pants scared. Vocalize these fears before they get the best of you. (Maybe leave out the pee part.)

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Well, Mars is still taking up space in our place and will be through the first week of December. The good news is that Mars makes us want to get shit done. The bad news is that we’re going to be cranky bitches the whole time, Mars being the planet of war. While our Hanukkah shopping may be done well before Thanksgiving this year, we might be inclined to break the noses of lard-ass Macy’s salespeople. We need to be prepared over the coming weeks that lots of things are not going to go our way, and try to remember that little burps and bumps in the road is merely the Great F*cker in the Sky trying to teach us something. And It better have a GOOD reason for it. We’ll probably want to do some more shell-hiding time, and that’s not a bad thing. Probably better for our mental health and that of those around us.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Slowly healing from the bumps and bruises of the summer, Leo is finally going to delete a couple of MySpace friends, maybe even delete the damn profile all together, give up dairy and refined sugar and start pilates again. Anything to take their mind off of whatever it was that made them hide in the bottom of a carton of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food. (Mmmmm…) Leo, people may be coming to you for money, time and attention this week. You probably owe it to some of them, particularly if any of these bastards were there for you during your time of need. Those that weren’t may be using you, as Leos become very generous when they’re vulnerable. Be sure to take note if you’re being taken for any stupid rides. That way, when you’re strong again, you can beat some ass.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Don’t know if you’ll think this is good news or not, Virgo, but even during your Saturn visitation, you can still get calls from other planets! This week, Venus is in Virgo which means our thoughtful little “virgins” will be turning their intellectual obsessions onto matters of the heart. Whether they’re feeling optimistic about love (hey, it could be the only thing going for Virgos during this nasty time) or picking apart what went wrong in the last one—again—Virgo, the key here is to not let your emotions drown you this week. If love stuff in your head requires conversation, have it and don’t nit-pick things until they fall apart. Your patience is about to get tried big time with either someone you’re involved with now, or someone from the past. Careful how you approach things, or be prepared to get slapped.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Last week, Libra went into a dark phase where they simply didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Libras do that from time to time and it freaks people out—as they’re supposed to be the friendly ones. This week, they’re coming out and delicately explaining using lots of Dr. Phil words why they got upset and what everyone in the world can do to change it. The Flying Monkeys indicate that this is actually quite good and may end up in you getting a bubble bath with a dozen roses floating in it—and maybe even a cold glass of ginger ale! It’s good someone will be doing the communication. Goddess knows this Mercury Retrograde in Scorpio is going to make the rest of us crazy.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Having Mercury in Retrograde through your home sign is bound to make your I-Pod crash. Sorry to be the one to tell you. The little electronic things you like to collect before the rest of the world catches on will be letting you down this week and it’s a sad, sad thing. However, this Retrograde provides plenty of opportunity for introspection. You’ll have plenty of time and energy to write your thesis on Reptilian Domination—only to burn it in the alley so “They” don’t find out about it. Yep, Scorpio. Retrograde aside, your social life is at a standstill this week, but you don’t mind hanging out in your cave for a few more days. You’ll be re-evaluating the people around you: who are your friends and who do you think you have to kill.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
The source of frustrations, as it turns out, is your own wicked self after all! What a relief. You thought it was all those crazy Virgos you had running around. Maybe it was the crazy pack of Virgos—but you were the one who let them in to mess around with your Playstation. Did we mention that Virgos are causing a lot of havoc for Sag in the coming months? They are. Along with Gemini and Pisces and Capricorn and well, probably the whole zodiac. Sag, in order to keep your mind and body remotely healthy, you’re going to need to quit about three of your favorite hobbies and try sleeping more than two hours a night. Hell, see if you can charm someone into letting you into the spa at night. They’ll be more than glad to have your “help.” Once you get some rest, you’ll be a much happier person all together.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn, it’s time to let the guard down and admit you were wrong. Lie if you have to. But it’s the only way to get yourself out of the predicament you’re currently in. Crazy Taurus lover backed you up against the wall—and it’s not a game this time? You should have taken the warning about dueling earth signs when you answered their Nerve personal. You’re going to run into an element of darkness in a partnership of some kind this week and please take Sister Mary’s advice: don’t try to be right this time. Of course you’re right. You’re Capricorn. You’re always right. But let this little battle go. It will soothe the course of the next phase of this relationship, and you can sneak out and be right next time.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Slow down, child. You’re giving most of the world a migraine. You’ve got big ideas, everything you want to do has enormously fabulous proportions, but you can’t rush the magic mushrooms. Trust Sister Mary. They will grow on their own good time. You’re going to have to take your hands off the person or project you’ve been working on for so long and let things happen on their own. Go outside and enjoy the benefits of Global Warming. Nice to have six month summers, huh? Eventually, you’ll be required to jump back in with a brilliant idea. The robots around you only have so much creative steam, and you’re the one who pumped them up in the first place. Enjoy your time off, and don’t break any limbs.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Ah! So it’s YOUR moon making us all loony this week. Deep, rich Pisces moon making you even more aware of other people’s neurotic tendencies. Don’t go around psychically collecting every crazy attribute of every wino you pass. Sure, it’s good the streets are clean and clear for everyone—but not if you end up twitching and rocking and not leaving your apartment for four days. Don’t forget that balance thing. That means, eating. Sleeping. Drinking water occasionally—not just gin. Honestly, you won’t be required to solve anyone’s problems this week for a change. Of course, being Pisces, you’re going to try to do that anyway. Understand that it’s going to be a drain on your resources and probably isn’t necessary. No need to enable. Most people would continue to do the crazy things anyway.