Capricorn.

If you want something done, hire someone to do it.

If you want something done perfectly with matching colors and textures, appropriate lighting and seasonal flair hire a Capricorn to do it. (But it’ll cost you.)

Those weird people rolling over the mountains in canvas-topped shoeboxes must have had a bunch of Capricorns. There’s no way they could have made it, otherwise.
Resourceful and loyal, practical and pragmatic, Capricorn is the reason the rest of us stay employed. Actually, if you dropped Capricorn in the middle of the Sahara with nothing but a box of toothpicks, a flexi-straw and a used condom wrapper and returned in six weeks, you’d find they’d started a day spa. When you get screwed and you find yourself crying behind a Greyhound station dumpster at four in the morning, call your Capricorn friend. Not because they’ll be the softest shoulder to cry on. Not because they’ll pull some sniper action on the bitch or bastard that broke your heart. But because they’re the only one of your friends you can count on to have a working car or cab fare.

It’s true. Your Capricorn will save the day, every time.

You probably don’t work for a Capricorn—but you probably work with one—but it feels like you work for one. Capricorns don’t need to be in charge. They like to walk away at the end of the day, which is why they’re probably not your boss. However, they still like things to go their way, which is why the Capricorn bus-boy still feels like a manager while he’s running behind you, re-rolling the roll-ups. They make good co-workers and business partners. They don’t do well with lazy people.

In romantic relationships, Capricorn appears detached, but it’s not quite the case. They’re most comfortable in functional, financially secure arrangement and say they want no drama, although the slightest miscommunication will end in empty tissue boxes and guilt trips to blush the pope. They need people with extra patience, yet the patient people seem to bore them terribly. Takes quite a bit of time for them to make up their minds, so when they’re going back over the window or aisle seat dilemma. If you’re dating a Capricorn, know that you’ll always be taken care of.

Capricorn makes a fussy bed-friend. They will have very specific kinks and quirks they will expect you to “just know” what they are (Call their exes…if they’re still alive) But given enough time, they will become efficient experts at what pleases you.

Things you should let Capricorn do:

1.) Decorate your apartment. They’re better at it than you.
2.) Do the talking. They’re also better at that than you.
3.) Manage the money. They may not be better at that than you, but don’t mention it.
4.) Let them say, “I told you so,” even if they didn’t.
5.) Win.

Things to never do to a Capricorn:

1.) Tell them they’re wrong.
2.) Buy a gift for them—that you found on sale. (They can smell it.)
3.) Tell them “not to take it personally.” (Already too late.)
4.) Tell them they’re wrong.
5.) Lie to them. (They can smell it.)
6.) Let them make a decision. You’ll be there all night.
7.) Tell them they’re wrong.
8.) Tell them Sister Mary said any of this.

Happy Birthday to the Capricorns of the Convent of Sensual Salvation!!! George, Catherine Gasta, Angelo, Famous Lacy and Sister Mary’s mom!!!! Hooray for you being born!!!!

Welcome to the week of Jan 13-19! Have you embraced your inner mongoose yet?

There’s a little something for every boy and girl this week in “As the Universe Expands.” Sun in dependable Capricorn: we’re all still very serious about keeping our New Year’s resolution to quit sniffing paint. But under the Pisces moon, we’re actually still sniffing paint, but doing it in secret—and lying about it. With Mercury in Aquarius, we find it hard to finish discussions about paint-sniffing-cessation before something else more interesting comes up to discuss (that’s also the fumes). And…with Venus in Sagittarius, we simply can’t commit to what brand of paint we want to sniff. Looks like a complicated week, kittens, but it’s actually quite balanced. All four elementals are out to play so even if some of us are losing our minds—it doesn’t feel so bad.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
No major planetary catastrophes in your realm this week, so you don’t have any hold-ups in kicking the ass around you that so deserves it. Aries, we know it feels as though you always have to kick ass and take names ‘round these astrological parts, but that’s your role as Big Sibling to the Stars. Someone around you needs to get whipped into shape and if (by chance) you have any reservations about it, let it go. They may balk, they may cry, they may say nasty things about you on their LiveJournal, but that’ll only last a day or so when they’ll come back and admit you were right. This will benefit your relationship with this person/place/thing and leave it both stronger and less annoying.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Either yoga didn’t take or you’ve spent too much time listening to half-formed opinions in stereo, but Taurus is out of touch with their inner bull. Taurus, if someone screwed up on your behalf, and you’re trying to be the bigger mammal about it—you really need to listen to that squeaky voice of wizdumb trapped beneath your inner filing cabinet. You’re in danger of returning trust to some lazy bitch or bastard who’s going to end up costing you, if not emotionally, then financially. Yes, Sister Mary said “financial danger.” If that doesn’t wake you up…perhaps this psychic slap will. *BAP!!!* Don’t make Sister Mary do that again.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Now, with cranky Mars still circulating Gemini, our favorite bi-polar beasts will find their new motivated selves strangely frustrated. Lots of work got done last week, and this week is all about venting about the crap you’ve been stewing about for six weeks, but haven’t had the time to spill it all out. After a late night bitch fest with a good beer buddy, you’ll feel empty and raw. Still motivated, looking around the room at all the projects you still need to complete, but finding you simply can’t get out of bed to do it. Grandaddy Depression is a bitch, but it’s short lived. After it’s over, you’ll feel better and better focused to get back to work while Mars is still around to make you do more than G-chat all day.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
It took us a couple of weeks, but we’re finally making some headway on those New Year’s resolutions. Lots of trips to the Goodwill, depositing the books we know we’re not going to need, the clothes we’ll never wear again, and the lovers who should have been pawned years ago. The middle of the week will feel empty—maybe even lonely. But it’s actually that really cool blank canvas the Great Bastard in the Sky has been promising us for a long time. We can shape our coming week however we want to. However, the new strength we’ve found in the quiet period could get easily sucked up by fleshy black holes. We need to watch out for where we put our energy in the coming week, as our brittle little shells will be easier to crack by negative nasties.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Well, it looks as though Leo will be spending the first part of the week chewing Advil to combat the hangover incurred by last week’s insanity. Leo, while you’re moping through Monday and Tuesday, take heart because you’ll be over it by Wednesday. Either some heavenly motivational speaker will appear, or the mascara tracks become just a tad too unattractive, even for your own lamenting. So, when you come back and throttle your kick-boxing instructor, you’ll find new opportunities by Thursday to meet even cooler people than the ones who upset you last week. Next weekend promises new adventures, the kind you’ll be excited to share. Your friends will be glad for a change in your dopey demeanor, as well.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Sorry, Virgo. This upcoming week will have even more of Sucky Saturn influence than the last. You’re just going to have to wade through the frustration and chaos caused by last week’s events. Get on firmer ground quickly, because you’re about to get hit by the Shit Fairy again. Such is the way of time in Saturn!!! The flying monkeys urge you not to grieve over your recent misfortunes. This is going to teach you to be happier with where you are and where you’re going.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
This week’s Libra lesson is learning about control. That is—you’re going to have to give it up. Many Libras experienced painful breakups of some sort—primarily of the romantic fashion, but could be in the friend’s sense, too. It’s a good week for you to reorganize your current relationships and stop hanging out with people you can’t control. It gives you zits. Look for a flock of willing sheep to govern and dictate. Now, if you’re lucky enough to find them, read no further. If you’re not, might want to consider tempering the hot sauce in your head. Pour it out on some chicken wings. Maybe you’re lacking protein.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpio kicks the most ass this week. Don’t get excited. Doesn’t mean you’ve won anything. You just happen to have more planets working in your favor. Now, this week you’ll start out strong and be blessed with a super-sonic breakthrough that could make you rich and famous. However, being Scorpio, you’re too nervous to share your plan with anyone and are more likely to see some Sag catch the psychic wind and FOIL your plans with the same idea!!! Don’t let that happen. This is a rare period of strength, so move forward while your foible enemies are just that.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Oy. Venus in your sign. The next few weeks—right up until bloody Valentine’s day, actually—your focus will be all on your heart and its little pitter-pats. Flighty Sag…careful whose hearts you break in the coming weeks. They may have a fresh ju-ju batch going on with eye of newt and fresh bat wing with your name on it. Your passions and loves are so hot, but the rest of the world doesn’t cool as quickly as you do. If you get excited with a new hottie, make sure you clearly, slowly and articulately enunciate each word when you explain what you want from the situation. It also looks like there are individuals you’re planning on pulling away from and if that’s the case, know that hurt feelings are a definite possibility. Don’t break the heart of anyone who carries a weapon.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
More happy birthdays to you!!! The beginning of this week will provide a much needed lull in your extra-curricular adventures. Say bye-bye to friends calling to check in on your drama. Your personal circus is quiet this week, but the clowns and bears in the ring tops of your friends are going on a picket-line and throwing giant red shoes. This is why you haven’t heard from them. Now, take three deep breaths for this next piece of news. Some kind of announcement or revelation mid week is going to make you very, very sad. Not the blue kind of sadness where you stare at the Hudson and sigh a lot. The kind of sadness that makes you hang out under a stoop that’s not your own in the middle of a blizzard, catching your tears in an empty bottle of gin. If this proves to be accurate, tune in next week when Sister Mary will have the solution for you.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Good, strong week for Aquarius, up through the weekend! Breaking your own paint-sniffing habit has been an inspiration to many, and the book you wrote about said experience will fly off the shelves. Your reading is short this week, because it’s just so damn good. It’s all going to work out fine, even things with that asshole boss. (Maybe someone will take an extended vacation for like…forever!!!) And…looks like the One That Got Away will make a surprise return before the weekend! Don’t know if this means they want to get back with you, get back in bed with you, or merely borrow five bucks. In any case, it’ll be a nice boost for your ego.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
With your own moon brooding overhead, it’s a good week for reflection into what makes you tick-tick-boom. Pisces, harness the meticulous, hardworking Capricorn energy and take a look at your employment and creative endeavors. The early part of this week will be a good time to start a long term project, which could make you some money—just don’t expect to see the green paper come flying your way for awhile. On a personal note, pay attention to your relationships at the moment. The flying monkeys highly encourage you to have some Dr. Phil-type conversations with the people you care about.