With a sun in Aquarius and a moon in Sagittarius this week, we’re going to be more convinced than ever that the world is actually a fluffy bunny place of rainbows and sunshine and strippers without crabs. World leaders are improving things. Glaciers are growing. Yupsters are moving away and taking Starbucks with them.
It’s possible that all of this is true—but it’s more likely that happy-go-lucky Aquarius has teamed up with Fuck-All Sagittarius and made you think your Prozac prescription has gone up a few notches without your knowledge. The latter may be true. Might wanna check the bottle.
This week, we’re still feeling the effects of Aquarius in Mercury, we’re still talking big about the shape of the world and how if those crazy cretins in the Casa Blanca would listen to us, all things would be perfect—but we’re probably ignoring the traumatic events going on in the lives those close to us. If your roommate is playing Man Man’s Van Helsing Boombox repeatedly and hasn’t come out of the room except to pee in the last few days, you might want to go knock on the door. And with a Venus in Capricorn, your usually swinger-happy, poly-loving girl or boyfriend is suddenly flipping through wedding magazines and using that C word. That’s “commitment,” if you’re slow and hungover this morning.
All in all, the next seven days look to be both frightening and delightful, horrifying and delicious—just like every week!
Welcome to the week of February 2nd-8th! Please return to the Circulation Counter…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries, you really need to quit wiping the asses of others, as it’s wearing on your health. The Great Cauldron of Sister Mary decrees that you need to look at the people you’re hanging out with and make sure they’re not pulling a psychic vampire thing on you—sucking your soul and leaving you empty and unable to dance. If you succeed in not screwing that part up, it looks as though you’ll meet someone obscenely cool in the coming days—or re-link with someone you already know. This may mean severing ties with old assholes, because the new relationships you’re forming will take up a bunch of your precious time. That’s a good thing. Stay with it. Don’t return certain phone calls.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Pretty little bulls, it’s your time to open up, stop playing Greta Garbo and meet some new people! Contrary to popular belief, you—little socialite that you are—sometimes don’t like to come out of the apartment to play. The Flying Monkeys want you to let your guard down. The events of 2007 made you want to change your species—and even your home planet, if you could—and you may be experiencing a few spit-ups from all that movement. It looks as though there are a few more ties you need to sever. If you don’t sever them, they’ll do it for you. It will be painful, but don’t drink too much over it. It’s going to make room for much sexier beasts to come in and bite you.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Whoa, chatter-box. You need to calm down, tune in and shut up. Something has seriously crawled up your toga and it’s time to go take a bath. There is something in your life that requires brutal honesty—the kind that gets drinks thrown in your face. Wear goggles, but don’t hold back the truth. The good news is (Yes! Sister Mary provides good news several times a year, actually) that by week’s end, you’ll emerge strong and gorgeous and everyone in town will want to sleep with you. Speak the truth, and ye shall be laid. That’s your mantra for the week.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Cancers around the Universe took this time to clean up their bodies, minds and vocabularies (SH*T!!!!!!!!) at New Years, and several of us were able to accomplish that! With clean closets, healthy (er….health-ier…) livers and fresh paths to trod, we’re opening ourselves in all kinds of ways (hee hee) to new people and perspective. Always feels that way, doesn’t it, fellow Crabs? We’re always getting over some emotional trauma and learning something from it and rebuilding? Maybe we should change our symbol from Cranky Crab to Anal Architect. Sister Mary’s putting in a request.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Oh, shit. Leo up and fell in luv again. Someone go get a broom. Leo, when are you going to learn that just because the dude or chick selling beer at the Bodega has the most beautiful eyes you’ve ever seen and giggles when you tell them so, doesn’t necessarily mean that person is going to leave their spouse and six kids and run away with you to the Caribbean? Do you even have the resources to move someone to the Caribbean? When things get awkward at the Bodega, please don’t call us crying at 3:14 in the morning. The Flying Monkeys want you to work on breaking the habits that sent you into therapy several times over.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgo, Sister Mary knows she pissed a lot of you off with that reading last week. There truly wasn’t anything new to report. She does also loathe noting that you’re still going to have to work on your un-favorite chore: developing patience. There are many things our Virgos want to see happen, but Saturn visits all of us from time to time, making all of that excruciatingly slow and horrendously arduous. Many Virgos are finding that they need to let go of nasty habits that harm their health and make their apartments stink of glue. Many Virgos are also obsessing (duh) over some kind of failed communication. Did your cell phone break? If so, get a new one and shut up. If it’s a deeper kind of miscommunication, let it go. Somehow, it was meant to be, but don’t ask Sister Mary how.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
HOLY SHIT. Libra quit gabbing for twenty seconds and realized there was something major to work on in themselves!!! This is very cool. Only happens once in an eon or so to Libras, so if you’re heavily involved with one of these little honey-drops, don’t bother them for the next few days. They’re saying goodbye to something heavy in their lives and don’t want you bothering them. Now, Libra—with all this new self-awareness, don’t start getting all whiney and wanting reassurance from all of us all the friggin’ time. Relax and be happy, you have a glorious reunion coming. Either you’ll run into yourself during one of your yoga sessions, or you’ll run into that old love you’ve been pining for and discover they’ve acquired a nasty meth habit. You’ll be over that and ready to move onto something more glorious.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Sister Mary would recommend Scorpios team up against the world with Virgo this week—except she knows how un-well that would end. You too, Scorpio, are being leeched for patience this week by things far bigger than yourself. Since you still won’t be able to assassinate God this week, stay calm and retreat to your Fortress and plan for how to get out with the road-bumps finally go away. You can stare out your window and watch Virgo ignore this piece of very powerful advice and laugh when they slip on the banana peels placed for them. You too are struggling with miscommunication, but that’s because your Fortress gets lousy cell service. Might want to go out and look for a signal to make the ride smoother this week.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Well, you’re going to start out strong with week—helped along by the forces of your own gorgeous moon. However, there is weakness to come. You finally catch your co-worker’s cold and because you never slow down, end up with pneumonia. You got too busy on the job and your lover ended up boning someone else, leaving you feeling sexless and unattractive. (How untrue!!!) Suck it up and move along, slow down so that the people who love you can find you.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Venus in your own sign seemed like such a good idea earlier in the week, didn’t it? Yeah. Your thoughts are all on love and you’re thinking of Valentine’s Day, Prom Night and Eloping all in the same beat. Stop that. You’re scaring people. Most of the people you’re fantasizing about you just met last week. It also looks as though you’re spending too much time with Scorpio and Virgo—both of whom are going to be having communication issues and therefore, you’re bound to misunderstand something as well. Silly. Keep your cell charged and a box of tissues handy. You’ll need both at regular intervals.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Why are you so paranoid? Do the street people really make you that nervous? Come on, Aquarius—it’s not like you to get so defensive. Shut down and shutting out—yes. We’re used to that from you. But something has frightened you…oh. The Capricorn Venus. Looks as though someone out there is pushing you for a commitment to something you’re not ready for. Or think you’re not ready for. Make sure entering this commitment is a really, really bad idea before sprinting off into the hills again. Tears could be coming your way—make sure whatever you bid farewell deserves the bid.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
The week will start out slow and sluggish which means our fish are treading water slowly in the coming days. Pisces, you’re feeling depressed and cranky over things you can’t do anything about. When things suck and we can’t change them, remember this mantra: Eventually, suckage ceases. Sister Mary has a couple of things to tell you that you may not like, so quit reading if you’re not interested. Still here? Okay. It will eventually level out and you won’t feel so sad about the circumstances. But just when you get to that point, you’ll find a few more bright lights fizzle and fade. (That’s what you get with non-florescent.) Take heart and remember the mantra: Eventually, suckage ceases. It has to. That’s the law.
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